Cosplay Caption Contest
 

- Collection #7 -

 

Oftentimes, when I'm out and about, people will walk up to me and say, "Hey, you're that guy who runs the Cosplay Caption Contest! As a leading authority on cosplay captionry, can you tell me what it is that makes the best captions?" My usual response is something along the lines of, "Who the hell are you? How do you even know who I am?"

As much as I hate being approached by stalkers, they do ask some darn good questions now and then. I think the core of any good caption is its ability to capitalize on the failure present in an image in a creative way. For example, imagine you're looking at a picture of a greasy fat guy dressed as Naruto. Got that lovely image in your head? Excellent. Now, your first instinct might be to go with something basic, such as: "Looks like Naruto went off his diet!" or "Damn, what a fat piece of shit!" That's not particularly clever though, now is it? You've recognized the potential humor buried deep inside those numerous layers of sweaty flab, but you have to coax it out gently and carefully by building a mental image that will allow your readers to see the obvious problems with the costume from a more inspired angle. Try something like this: "Here we see Naruto's new disguise to infiltrate the Hidden Village of Uncontrolled Diabetes." Or maybe something like: "This dude's plan is to rigorously train every part of his body for battle, starting with the colon."

Don't feel bad if the finer points of irreverent captioning escape you at the present; it's an art that takes years of practice to master. If you think you're ready to take the next step on the long road to becoming a Caption Champion, then read on and study the techniques used by the authors of the eight contest-winning captions featured below.
 


Contest #49 (Originally ran 4/04/09)



Winning Caption:

Unsurprisingly, the Order of Otherkin Geishas are rarely spotted outside of their compound, venturing out only to troll for cheap, androgynous booty.
- Al_Cone

Honorable Mentions:

Japanese prostitution has, somehow, seen an increase in marketability.
- The Two-One-Five

"Yes, it is I! The She-Pimp! Here with my harem of... of... Er, what are you guys, again?"


"MMMPH! MM-MMPH!"


"Yes, my harem of Humphrey Bogar--wait, that's stupid!"
- Shmeckie
 


Contest #50 (Originally ran 4/18/09)



Winning Caption:

"When Kairi told Sora she was raped by Mickey Mouse, he knew it was never meant to be. So he resorted to drugs and gay sex in order to forget his tragic loss. Oh, wait a second please...This just in, it turns out Kairi was killed by her pimp Mc Keyblade. She was found in a dumpster outside of the whorehouse, Key of Your Desires."
- Badass Overlord

Honorable Mentions:

Finally, Alex posted some hot girl on girl action for us! :D
Wait a minute... Oh god! HOLY SHIT!
- stjimmy

Kingdom Hearts 4: Burns of the Retina
- Shmeckie

"If your girlfriend is a yaoi fan, you'll be doing photo shoots like this for the rest of your relationship. Still want to date her, Mike?"
- Meow Mix

"So, penguins really regurgitate food to give to their young through their mouths?"

"Yeah, just like this..." *Projectile vomits*
- TigerEyes
 


Contest #51 (Originally ran 4/25/09)



Winning Caption:

The doctors did a nearly perfect job of rebuilding Dave's body practically from scratch after the horrible explosion. However, they couldn't shake the feeling something was in the wrong place. They just couldn't put their finger on it.
- stjimmy

Honorable Mentions:

Charging hair gel cannon...!
- Badass Overlord

"Then where do I put the strap-on, smartass?"
- T_K_17

I will never look at head-banging the same way again.
- Arc Baltic
 


Contest #52 (Originally ran 5/02/09)



Winning Caption:

WHO'S THAT POKEMON!?
~Da-na-na!

*commercial break*

IT'S HARMFUL RACIAL STEREOTYPE!

"Yo, nigga, let's rape sum white bitches whilst we eats our wattamelunz!"
~Da-na-na!
- Shmeckie

Honorable Mentions:

If you had to hang out with Misty all day, you would be trippin' pokeballs too.
- TigerEyes

The original idea for shiny Pikachu turned out to be a flop.
- Meow Mix

"We got these from mugging that weird little kid and his pet few blocks back."
- Yaoi Huntress Earth
 


Contest #53 (Originally ran 6/06/09)



Winning Caption:

Guess we can get those refunds for those supposed Hare Hare Yukai exercise tapes.
- The Two-One-Five

Honorable Mentions:

"...And if the payment has not arrived within the week, we'll chop off one of his fingers for each day you're late!"
- Viashino_wizard

"Stay out of this, Satan! The humans are ours!"
- Valkyrie



Contest #54 (Originally ran 6/13/09)



Winning Caption:

"Behold, the awesome power of the gender-swapping stick! Touch the top, you turn into a man, touch the bottom, you turn into a woman! Touch both and...TA DA!"
- TigerEyes

Honorable Mentions:

The only clue to that things gender is the ominous way that its "lightsaber" vibrates. Even then, many questions remain unanswered...
- stjimmy

Legendary warrior "Six-Eyes Murphy" was said to be so brave that he once faced off against an army of cyborgs armed only with a pole made of several plastic toiler paper roll holders taped together with construction tape. The tale of his vicious beating lives on to this day.
- Shmeckie

One can only wonder why the ambiguous Naruto-Chouji lovechild was not a huge hit at the con.
- Meow Mix



Contest #55 (Originally ran 6/27/09)



Winning Caption:

In a desperate attempt to revitalize their failing careers, Kirstie Alley and Kathy Griffin try their hand at becoming booth babes.
- UveE

Honorable Mentions:

No longer able to sidekick Harry now that Voldemort was gone, Ron was reduced to selling himself on the streets of Japan as a supple young "girl".
- Yaoi Fairy

Y'know how people say that average chicks like to always have one ugly friend that they hang around with at all times, to seem prettier by comparison? This is photographic proof that it's true.
- stjimmy

This is what pedophiles have to fuck in Hell. And their vaginas have teeth, too. Watch what gives you an erection, kids!
- Shmeckie



Contest #56 (Originally ran 7/11/09)



Winning Caption:

The live action version of Sonic '06 had its work cut out for it if it was gonna live up to the epic suckitude of the game it was based on. ...So far so good!
- stjimmy

Honorable Mentions:

Dammit, someone needs to tell these people to get BACK in the SEWERS! They're not allowed on the surface, that's the rule!
- Shmeckie

Shortly after taking this picture, the photographer died by his own hand, ridden with guilt over the great evil he had just released upon the world.
- UveE

I always wanted to know what the Sonic cast would have looked like if they were failed aborted fetuses.
- Arc Baltic



That's it for this collection, folks. I hope you enjoyed all the strange-looking people dressed in even stranger-looking costumes. You just never know what those crazy cosplayers are gonna do next!

Want to join in on the captioning fun and have a chance at achieving internet fame? Just sign up an account on the Project AFTER Forums and submit your own cuttingly clever comments to the Cosplay Caption Contest! Better sign up quick before this whole internet fad fizzles out and cyberspace goes the way of platform shoes and Beanie Babies.