Cosplay Caption Contest
 

- Collection #9 -

 

If there's one thing I've learned from running the internet's most popular fanfiction mockery website for all these years, it's that including sexually explicit language on every page is an easy way to double the hits you get from search engine traffic. If there's a second thing I've learned, it's that titties cock pussy handjob bestiality dildo blumpkin. One thing I personally haven't learned is that one of the cornerstones of being a successful webmaster is remaining adaptable and being open to new management concepts. The website I copied that sentence from seems to make some good points, though, which is why I've tried to make an effort to be flexible when it comes to running PA.

The most notable example of a major policy change here took place on the PA Forums in early 2010, when I made the decision to rewrite the rules of the Cosplay Caption Contest. For the first 64 contests, judging the entries was my sole responsibility; the process was as straightforward as me reviewing the submitted captions and using my expert knowledge of hilarious cynicism to pick the best one. While the format functioned well enough, I eventually realized that it failed to meet the standards of fairness and equality that I strived for in my quest to have cosplay captioning become Korea's next hit e-sport. Somehow, I had done the impossible and given myself too much power.

Since I didn't want to give an unfair advantage to caption authors whose sense of humor closely resembled my own, I decided to rework the judging system for the CCC to place a stronger emphasis on peer evaluation. The new format I adopted involved myself selecting between four and six of the most promising captions based on a predetermined list of criteria, then entering the finalists into a public poll where forum members would have roughly a week to vote for their favorite. Democracy might have failed the American people for over two decades now, but it proved to work far better when used to decide the winners of contests on internet message boards. The new rule set was so well-received that it remains in place today, and continues a proud tradition of regular people being fooled into thinking that their opinions have the power to make a difference.

As you enjoy the following contest results, remember that they were brought to you by a great collaborative effort involving mentally unstable otaku, some very brave photographers, a dedicated group of forum members, an exceptionally handsome community administrator, and most importantly of all, freedom.
 


Contest #65 (Originally ran 3/06/10)



Winning Caption:

After the subpar performance of Dragonball Evolution, expectations are not particularly high for the recently-announced sequel. These stills from the set only serve to compound the feeling of dread.
- Al_Cone

Runners-Up:

Infiltration: The skinheads are doing it right.
- The Two-One-Five

"Nipple-Head! Light Socket Humper! Quick, my hair is pointing out where the danger is! Let us go and save the da-- Hey, someone with a camera! Cheeeeese!"
- Shmeckie
 


Contest #66 (Originally ran 3/20/10)



Winning Caption:

"I'm like a fuckin' angler fish! This dangly shit brings in the bitches and puts 'em in a fuckin' trance!"
- The Hutch

Runners-Up:

This is the last known photo of Mary, only minutes before her kidnapping. Witnesses said that the kidnapper was a black man with sparkly gloves on, but the police brushed it off since Michael Jackson has been dead since 2009.
- Meow Mix

"...and do you, Elvira, Level 21 Rogue, take Unitardion, Crown Prince of Liberace Prime to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have, hold and avoid eye contact with strangers while in the presence of, in sickness, health and molting season, 'til death do you part?"
- Al_Cone

The reveal of Xenu's identity turned out less spectacular than imagined.
- Max-Vader
 


Contest #67 (Originally ran 4/03/10)



Winning Caption:

If this is what HDTV does to anime, I'll stick with that old piece of crap TV I stole from that trailer park.
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

Runners-Up:

"I AM CORNHOLI-YASHA!!!"

"He's Cornholi-Yasha."
- Al_Cone

The results in making Catz: The Musical straighter are looking good so far.
- The Two-One-Five
 


Contest #68 (Originally ran 4/17/10)



Winning Caption:

"Hello Mr. Thatcher. I'm here to pick up your daughter."
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

Runners-Up:

I don't like this new Joker... What's up with all these new Batman series always having these increasingly ridiculous character redesigns?!
- Shmeckie

"I swear to god I was just holding the pizza like this, ready to take a bite, when a cop started beating me with his baton. Something about exposing indecent material to minors?"
- NiGHTS Noob
 


Contest #69 (Originally ran 5/01/10)



Winning Caption:

He made his own caption before we could! Shit, guys, they're onto us!
- Shmeckie

Runners-Up:

The Japanese version of Deal or No Deal has some interesting quirks.
- T_K_17

So THAT'S what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction! Quentin Tarantino, you clever devil!
- Al_Cone

When Jim was told he'd get some pussy, this was definitely not what he had in mind.
- Max-Vader



Contest #70 (Originally ran 5/15/10)



Winning Caption:

"The hell do you mean 'there weren't any Vikings at the First Thanksgiving?!' I'm Squanto, goddammit! Squanto!"
- Al_Cone

Runners-Up:

The Count and his henchmen began their next scheme to take over the world. How invading an anime convention was supposed to help accomplish that is beyond me, but I'm sure the Count knows what he's doing...
- Shmeckie

"I am leader of ancient Otaku Tribe. You who trespass on our sacred land, leave now, or be forced to join us in our ancient and terrifying tradition known as The Dance of the Furry Wolves."
- Badass Overlord



Contest #71 (Originally ran 5/29/10)



Winning Caption:

As the intoxicating effects of the booze filtered out of his system, and the horrifying reality of his situation settled over him, John Travolta envied the dead.
- Al_Cone

Runners-Up:

"Alright, this is a hold up! Give us all your yaoi manga and wrinkle cream, and nobody gets hurt!"
- Meow Mix

Unbeknown to the class of 1935, this man would go on to become the Batman's greatest foe.
- The Two-One-Five

Behold, the ultimate argument against gay marriage.
- Max-Vader



Contest #72 (Originally ran 6/12/10)



Winning Caption:

"I'M GONNA BAKE THIS MUTHERFUCKING PRETTY CAKE."
- TigerEyes

Runners-Up:

In case you wonder what a movie with Humbert Humbert as Director, Michael Bay as Screenwriter and Burger King as Catering would look like, here you go.
- Max-Vader

The idea for "Young Paula Deen meets Black Sabbath" never really took flight.
- Badass Overlord



That's it for this collection, folks. And yes, the plural form of runner-up is runners-up. I know it doesn't look right, but it is.

Want to join in on the captioning fun and have a chance at achieving internet fame? Just sign up an account on the Project AFTER Forums and submit your own cuttingly clever comments to the Cosplay Caption Contest! Come on, man, you know you want to. Why you gotta be all frontin' an' shit?