Cosplay Caption Contest
- Collection #12 -
The next time someone tries to tell you that competitive
cosplay captioning isn't a real sport, punch them right in their
miserable fucking face. I've personally witnessed dozens of
athletes pursue honor and glory in this exciting pastime,
fighting through knuckle-wracking pain as I scream at them to
keep typing caption after caption until their hearts finally
give out and they collapse in a violent explosion of pent-up
bodily waste. Are you going to sit there and tell me their
dreams of captioning victory weren't worth dying for? How
dare you. How DARE you say that shit to me!
If you're somehow not convinced that participating in the
Cosplay Caption Contest is the ultimate ambition for a new
generation of young people searching for meaning in their lives,
then I challenge you to look at the
CCCountdown to 100 Competition. In preparation for the
hundredth installment of the CCC, I hosted a tournament for the
winners of seven contests to engage in a championship match for
the public's favor. I'd say the event was the Super Bowl of
caption contests, but it would be an insult to the fine men and
women who competed to compare their prowess in this intellectual
arena to a bunch of brain-damaged Neanderthals running into each
other between a fuckzillion dollars worth of beer commercials.
And if you think some phallic trophy has the ability to inspire
self-destructive determination among professional athletes, then
you've obviously never seen what a group of lower-middle class
internet junkies will do when a $20 Amazon.com gift certificate
is on the line. You can't even imagine such glorious carnage.
As you peruse the results of the ten contests featured below,
please appreciate not only the masterful craftsmanship of each
winning entry, but the indomitable spirit of the author who
wrote it. Glamorous as it may look from the outside, the life of
a CCC champion is not an easy one. These brave men and women
face down the worst the cosplay community has to offer and push
themselves beyond normal human limitations to make us laugh at
the source of their pain. When you consider the magnitude of
their sacrifice, it makes so-called "real" sports look like a
bunch of overpaid assholes wasting everybody's time.
Contest #91 (Originally ran
Sephiroth's current profile pic on Facebook after the awesome
Dave Matthews Band concert last night.
Oh come on, Lady Gaga, now you're just getting ridiculous.
This is why it's a bad idea to give a hobo video games.
- Soren Highwind
Contest #92 (Originally ran
"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by
two separate yet equally important people: Michelle Rodriguez,
who likes to investigate McDonalds' nutrition value with her
mouth, and Titty McCoy, who objects to vegetables. These are
their stories. Doink-doink."
Suddenly that "You make me violate you, no matter who you are"
line from Black Lagoon's opener sounds like a credible threat...
One is a morbidly obese lawyer with an unhealthy fondness for
breast-enlargement surgeries. The other is a tough-as-nails
ex-convict lesbian who doesn't play by the rules. Together,
they fight crime!
- Soren Highwind
Contest #93 (Originally ran
Unfortunately, the gay pride version of Equus failed to draw an
- Yaoi Huntress Earth
Someone should tell Uwe Boll that his My Little Pony/Grim
Fandango crossover is a bad idea...
Days later, Rainbow Dash was sent to the glue factory.
- Dr. O
Contest #94 (Originally ran
Don't worry, she brought another costume. It's under her wig.
- Meow Mix
WILMAAA! Just because it's the Stone Age doesn't mean that we
don't have something called taste!
- P Dot Alex
So that's what happened to Raggedy Ann? She became a prostitute
for World of Warcraft players?!
Contest #95 (Originally ran
Hhis is the real reason so many mall Santas are alcoholics.
Gentlemen, I like cosplay. Gentlemen... I love cosplay. I like
ladyboys. I like fat chicks. I like nerds. I like gangly
teenagers. I like neckbeards. I like cardboard. I like bad dye
jobs. I like distressingly tight latex. In conventions, at fan
clubs, in the streets, on the internet. I love every aspect of
cosplay that takes place on this earth. Gentlemen, I desire a
cosplay that is like hell.
- Dr. O
"We'll guard these plastic cups with our lives!"
And we thought Twilight would be the death of vampiric
Contest #96 (Originally ran
DAHRING DAHRING PREEAAASE drown in a well and never trouble me
People realized that Lucky Stars reference humour got out of
hand as soon as they started to reference the cosplay caption
contests of some random English mock page on the net, by putting
a few idiots in swimsuits and hoping they would be noticed by
some guy called MoA.
Lucky Star: Ruining cheerleader porn since 2007.
Contest #97 (Originally ran
Tragedy was averted when, moments after this photo was taken,
the Jaws of Life malfunctioned and scissored the cosplayer in
Many of the arresting policemen on To Catch a Predator
reported being extremely uncomfortable and disgusted by the
lingering erections of the pedophiles they lure in, so Dateline
hired this cosplayer to stand beside Chris Hansen in order to
rectify this problem.
To think that only recently did his parents realize the chastity
belt was redundant.
- Arc Baltic
Contest #98 (Originally ran
There was that one time Charlie Sheen was so stoned that he
willingly went to an anime convention. This picture is the only
- P Dot Alex
"You fuck with our grandma, you fuck with all of us."
- Badass Overlord
The stuffed dog featured in this photo was found dead that
morning, having taken its own life in order to avoid the shame
of appearing in the aforementioned photo.
That is the worst all-white rendition of The Wire I've ever
Contest #99 (Originally ran
"Look, I know you're proud of the sex change, butó yeah, I'm
sure they're firm. No, I don't want to feel for myself."
- Dr. O
The guy on the right was TOLD to come as Penguin. Sadly, they
were out of Penguin costumes, so this was as close as he got.
- Rika Furude
> You encountered a wild Fem!Joker!
> Fem!Joker suddenly touched her chest! You became paralyzed in
Contest #100 (Originally ran
One man's sad attempt at extending the magical girl genre to
males. His fur seal is big just thinking about it!
- Rika Furude
"I annex this planet in the name of the glorious Dakari race.
May our ship last as long as Digimon is popular!"
Researchers have had little success piecing together a history
of the short-lived Canadian principality of Dakari. What is
known is that, after the brief reign of Joey Buttafuoco I
(referred to in some texts as Count Logan), the polity collapsed
into anarchy. The only explanation offered by historical records
is "things change."
- Dr. O
That's it for this collection, folks. And what a collection it
was! Have you ever been that entertained by a curling match?
Water polo? Women's basketball? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Want to join in on the captioning fun and have a chance at
achieving internet fame? Just sign up an account on the
AFTER Forums and submit your own cuttingly clever comments to
the Cosplay Caption Contest!
It's up to you to keep this proud tradition alive.