Cosplay Caption Contest
 

- Collection #12 -

 

The next time someone tries to tell you that competitive cosplay captioning isn't a real sport, punch them right in their miserable fucking face. I've personally witnessed dozens of athletes pursue honor and glory in this exciting pastime, fighting through knuckle-wracking pain as I scream at them to keep typing caption after caption until their hearts finally give out and they collapse in a violent explosion of pent-up bodily waste. Are you going to sit there and tell me their dreams of captioning victory weren't worth dying for? How dare you. How DARE you say that shit to me!

If you're somehow not convinced that participating in the Cosplay Caption Contest is the ultimate ambition for a new generation of young people searching for meaning in their lives, then I challenge you to look at the CCCountdown to 100 Competition. In preparation for the hundredth installment of the CCC, I hosted a tournament for the winners of seven contests to engage in a championship match for the public's favor. I'd say the event was the Super Bowl of caption contests, but it would be an insult to the fine men and women who competed to compare their prowess in this intellectual arena to a bunch of brain-damaged Neanderthals running into each other between a fuckzillion dollars worth of beer commercials. And if you think some phallic trophy has the ability to inspire self-destructive determination among professional athletes, then you've obviously never seen what a group of lower-middle class internet junkies will do when a $20 Amazon.com gift certificate is on the line. You can't even imagine such glorious carnage.

As you peruse the results of the ten contests featured below, please appreciate not only the masterful craftsmanship of each winning entry, but the indomitable spirit of the author who wrote it. Glamorous as it may look from the outside, the life of a CCC champion is not an easy one. These brave men and women face down the worst the cosplay community has to offer and push themselves beyond normal human limitations to make us laugh at the source of their pain. When you consider the magnitude of their sacrifice, it makes so-called "real" sports look like a bunch of overpaid assholes wasting everybody's time.
 


Contest #91 (Originally ran 3/26/11)



Winning Caption:

Sephiroth's current profile pic on Facebook after the awesome Dave Matthews Band concert last night.
- Screaming_Soulcatcher

Runners-Up:

Oh come on, Lady Gaga, now you're just getting ridiculous.
- Al_Cone

This is why it's a bad idea to give a hobo video games.
- Soren Highwind
 


Contest #92 (Originally ran 4/09/11)



Winning Caption:

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important people: Michelle Rodriguez, who likes to investigate McDonalds' nutrition value with her mouth, and Titty McCoy, who objects to vegetables. These are their stories. Doink-doink."
- Protto

Runners-Up:

Suddenly that "You make me violate you, no matter who you are" line from Black Lagoon's opener sounds like a credible threat...
- Shmeckie

One is a morbidly obese lawyer with an unhealthy fondness for breast-enlargement surgeries. The other is a tough-as-nails ex-convict lesbian who doesn't play by the rules. Together, they fight crime!
- Soren Highwind
 


Contest #93 (Originally ran 4/23/11)



Winning Caption:

Unfortunately, the gay pride version of Equus failed to draw an audience.
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

Runners-Up:

Someone should tell Uwe Boll that his My Little Pony/Grim Fandango crossover is a bad idea...
- Max-Vader

Days later, Rainbow Dash was sent to the glue factory.
- Dr. O
 


Contest #94 (Originally ran 5/07/11)



Winning Caption:

Don't worry, she brought another costume. It's under her wig.
- Meow Mix

Runners-Up:

WILMAAA! Just because it's the Stone Age doesn't mean that we don't have something called taste!
- P Dot Alex

So that's what happened to Raggedy Ann? She became a prostitute for World of Warcraft players?!
- Maniak
 


Contest #95 (Originally ran 5/21/11)



Winning Caption:

Hhis is the real reason so many mall Santas are alcoholics.
- SirMax

Runners-Up:

Gentlemen, I like cosplay. Gentlemen... I love cosplay. I like ladyboys. I like fat chicks. I like nerds. I like gangly teenagers. I like neckbeards. I like cardboard. I like bad dye jobs. I like distressingly tight latex. In conventions, at fan clubs, in the streets, on the internet. I love every aspect of cosplay that takes place on this earth. Gentlemen, I desire a cosplay that is like hell.
- Dr. O

Runners-Up:

"We'll guard these plastic cups with our lives!"
- DraculaMarth

And we thought Twilight would be the death of vampiric dignity...
- Maniak



Contest #96 (Originally ran 4/06/11)



Winning Caption:

DAHRING DAHRING PREEAAASE drown in a well and never trouble me again.
- Al_Cone

Runners-Up:

People realized that Lucky Stars reference humour got out of hand as soon as they started to reference the cosplay caption contests of some random English mock page on the net, by putting a few idiots in swimsuits and hoping they would be noticed by some guy called MoA.
- Maniak

Lucky Star: Ruining cheerleader porn since 2007.
- Max-Vader



Contest #97 (Originally ran 6/18/11)



Winning Caption:

Tragedy was averted when, moments after this photo was taken, the Jaws of Life malfunctioned and scissored the cosplayer in half.
- Deceiver

Runners-Up:

Many of the arresting policemen on To Catch a Predator reported being extremely uncomfortable and disgusted by the lingering erections of the pedophiles they lure in, so Dateline hired this cosplayer to stand beside Chris Hansen in order to rectify this problem.
- Protto

To think that only recently did his parents realize the chastity belt was redundant.
- Arc Baltic



Contest #98 (Originally ran 7/02/11)



Winning Caption:

There was that one time Charlie Sheen was so stoned that he willingly went to an anime convention. This picture is the only proof.
- P Dot Alex

Runners-Up:

"You fuck with our grandma, you fuck with all of us."
- Badass Overlord

The stuffed dog featured in this photo was found dead that morning, having taken its own life in order to avoid the shame of appearing in the aforementioned photo.
- YTB

That is the worst all-white rendition of The Wire I've ever seen...!
- Shmeckie



Contest #99 (Originally ran 7/16/11)



Winning Caption:

"Look, I know you're proud of the sex change, butó yeah, I'm sure they're firm. No, I don't want to feel for myself."
- Dr. O

Runners-Up:

The guy on the right was TOLD to come as Penguin. Sadly, they were out of Penguin costumes, so this was as close as he got.
- Rika Furude

> You encountered a wild Fem!Joker!
> Fem!Joker suddenly touched her chest! You became paralyzed in horror.
- Matto



Contest #100 (Originally ran 7/30/11)



Winning Caption:

One man's sad attempt at extending the magical girl genre to males. His fur seal is big just thinking about it!
- Rika Furude

Runners-Up:

"I annex this planet in the name of the glorious Dakari race. May our ship last as long as Digimon is popular!"
- Maniak

Researchers have had little success piecing together a history of the short-lived Canadian principality of Dakari. What is known is that, after the brief reign of Joey Buttafuoco I (referred to in some texts as Count Logan), the polity collapsed into anarchy. The only explanation offered by historical records is "things change."
- Dr. O



That's it for this collection, folks. And what a collection it was! Have you ever been that entertained by a curling match? Water polo? Women's basketball? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Want to join in on the captioning fun and have a chance at achieving internet fame? Just sign up an account on the Project AFTER Forums and submit your own cuttingly clever comments to the Cosplay Caption Contest! It's up to you to keep this proud tradition alive.