Part IX: "Sugar Bits" 

(As seen at sugar.snafu-comics.com)

 

God-Emperor help me, I can't take this shit anymore. I thought Bleedman's previous stories were bad, but I had no idea what was to come. You see, Sugar Bits is not only his most recent webcomic, but also his first attempt to tell a story with purely "original" characters. And if you think Bleedman is bad when he lifts his ideas from outside sources, then you haven't seen how horrible it gets when he tries to get by without stealing (and still ends up stealing a bunch of crap anyway).

This will be the final part of The Bleedman Chronicles and, as promised, you will get to see some of his nasty pictures. Do you even really want to see those? Seriously? Well then come and join me on the last legs of my journey through this madness.

You sicko.
 

The Story


This will again be the longest part because at the end I will talk about Bleedman's incompetence as a writer in general, and there's a lot to talk about there. For now, let's analyze the plot of Sugar Bits specifically so you can get a good idea how this comic feels and just how horrible reading through it can get.
 


It looks like the Care Bears meets Kingdom Hearts meets pure fail.


Page one beautifully summarizes almost the entire comic. The first thing we notice is that Bleedman gives the good old "show, don't tell" rule a vicious beating and pisses on it for good measure. There is exposition up the ass here, just like in his previous comics.

The second thing that comes to mind after reading all this garbage is that Bleedman really sucks at naming things. I'm not expecting a Tolkienesque world with a map and everything, but naming a "realm of all good things" Harmonia is pretty much the equivalent of naming your characters "Guy 1" and "Underage Girl 4". If this was just one instance I could forgive it, but every fucking place is named after its function (Lovinia, Toytropolis) and the character names are either stupidly clichéd (Hansel, Ginger) or go straight into "not even trying" territory (Brave, King).

This first page also highlights another predominant pattern in this story: Things get introduced and then abruptly forgotten. Only two of the places we are introduced to in the beginning have any importance at all (Confectionara and Courage Campus). Nothing else is ever mentioned again. I know this has already happened in his previous comics, but here it is taken to the extreme. Even Grim Tales had more of a coherent plot than this. In one single page Bleedman fails on multiple levels, so much so that you'd think it takes effort to be that bad. And the scary thing is that from here, it's pretty much all downhill.

Finally, the actual so-called plot starts, and we get to see our main character, Gingerman (for fuck's sake, Bleedman, is it too much too ask that you put some effort into this?). He is, as his name implies, a gingerbread man, but in an obnoxious chibi-style, just like everyone else in the comic. After all, why change your art if your brain-dead fans keep eating it up like Rosie O'Donnell at a charity picnic? There is apparently a "royal sugar army", and he is it's captain, implying that he will kick all sorts of ass. Or he would if Bleedman actually knew how to structure a fight scene (and as we know from his previous comics, there isn't much hope for that). The only other character with a name is Professor Cocoa, a fucking moose in a lab coat with Dr. Insano-style glasses. You do not know the meaning of the word "ridiculous" until you have seen him.
 


Chocolate has never seemed less appealing...


He supervises a lot of gingerbread men scientists (really?) who are tinkering with a machine called the "sugar core", which apparently harnesses an energy called "Zest" that is created whenever someone consumes sugary food. Now that's science! I haven't seen such accurate interpretations of scientific knowledge since Kent Hovind's Dinosaur Adventure Land.

Anyway, the machine overloads and creates a monster called "Kaveeteh, the plaque monster". It is a giant, green, slug-teeth-thing. I am not making this up. There is also a mention of a "tooth-brush fairy", whatever the fuck that is. After some dialogue so painful it makes me crave Uwe Boll movies, Gingerman puts on boxing gloves and defeats the monster in one hit — off panel, mind you. Good job Bleedman, I was almost getting mildly interested. (Not really.)

What makes all this an even worse insult to the reader's intelligence is that none of this has any importance for the rest of the plot. While competent authors use the beginning of a story to establish the setting and main characters, Bleedman decides it's the perfect place for pointless filler. We are seven pages in and there is still nothing happening. By this pace the comic will be finished in the 41st millennium.

To reactivate the machine they need the princess for some unexplained reason. So Gingerman goes to get her out of the "Juicyfruit Garden" (legitimately stupid name or euphemism for preteen vagina? YOU decide). The scientists mock him for a possible relationship between them, which is weird for quite a number of reasons, the least of which is not the fact that he's a fucking gingerbread man and therefore has no dick. Or anything, now that I think about it...

It's here that we are introduced to Bleedman's new G-rated curse words which are "fudge it" and "for the love of Wonka" (Get it? Because they're sweets, HUR HUR HUR). But OH NOES, we see a shadow watching our "hero", which despite evil glowing eyes doesn't look threatening in the least. On the next page the shadow reveals itself as Cupcake (REALLY?!), princess of Veggie-Hut land, which makes me wonder why Bleedman was even trying for some sort of buildup here. She is an underage (duh) bunny-girl without pants who has barely enough human characteristics to also appeal to non-furries. As much as I verbally assrape Bleedman for failing at almost everything, he really is the master when it comes to making masturbation fuel for furries, pedophiles, and furry pedophiles.

Finally, our afterschool snack of a hero finds the princess and we finally get to see her.
 


I see London, I see France...


Not wearing a skirt is supposedly part of her rebellious personality, but we all know the real reason she's in her skivvies: Bleedman didn't want to bother inventing some flimsy justification for panty shots in every scene. Despite being our female protagonist, Ginger is even less sympathetic than your average rapist-demon from Berserk, and keeps the number of likeable characters right at zero.

Some "wacky" stuff later, Ginger finally comes down from the tree by jumping on Hansel (the real name of Gingerman, you see). The following conversation hamfistedly tells the reader that Ginger once was oh-so-jolly and innocent in the past until Bleedman raped her — uh, I mean we don't know why yet. One uncomfortable silence later, we get the boring-as-fuck and completely unoriginal origin-story for Hansel. What it comes down to is that Ginger's mother died from the fatal "the plot requires drama" disease. Oh yeah, and then this guy called Bleedheart, "ruler of the Sorrow Sanctum" comes and takes the corpse with him, probably so that he can make some sweet, sweet love to it. And he also never gets mentioned again, of course.

So we learn all this "tragic" stuff, the mood is very grim and serious, and what do we get immediately after? Fucking this:
 


ZOMGROFLLOL SO WACKY!1!1!!!


This leads to a food fight that immediately gets interrupted by the Brave Hearts, the same group of chuckleheads Hansel belongs to. There's King, a lion that looks like the overtly homosexual grandfather of Snagglepuss; Bo, an underage tomboy sheep-girl who is Hansel's second love interest (on second thought, maybe Ginger actually made him from dil-dough); and Braveun, who is basically Hakumen from BlazBlue without his voice or anything that made him cool and interesting. King disapproves of their actions and talks in a way no living creature has ever talked, while the princesses blames Hansel with a series of the most painful "jokes" I've ever read.
 


This sure is a sticky situation! Hahahaha-- kill me.


And yes, I know I'm showing a lot of pictures, but you'll have to bear with me. After all, some of this is so balls-to-the-wall insane that it cannot be conveyed in words alone. Besides, it gives you a small taste of what I had to go through.

So King is displeased, Bo is amused, and not-Hakumen just does the thumbs-up. Ginger pretty much tells him to shut the fuck up and French-kisses Hansel, causing countless angels to die. Little What's-her-name rabbit moron gets carried off to her parents, and Bo gives Hansel a "good luck kiss" for which Ginger immediately kicks him because she is the most unlikable tsundere bitch since Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Brave Hearts finally piss off, and we then learn that all this has been watched by a devil-guy named Mammon — who happens to be the only even remotely interesting or cool character in the comic, by the way. At least he is until you find out that he's simply the bishonen version of Mammon from Spawn. Fucking hell Bleedman, I know you can't write an original story without ripping off others' works to save your life, but could you at least TRY to cover up your theft?

So ends chapter one — or as I call it, "22 pages of brain-decaying bullshit sex jokes and fucking around instead of actually having a story." Wasn't that FUN!?

The second chapter introduces us to a place called Dream Palace (Kirby, eat your heart out), where people from Harmonia mentally go to when they sleep. It's kinda like the Matrix, only not cool and incredibly fruity. When people dream of each other they meet and "anything becomes possible", like with Hansel and Bo right now. The description on that page is literally the gayest metaphor for sex ever. However, Hansel won't be able to put his nonexistent boner to good use anytime soon, because Bo is a battle-obsessed lunatic and starts attacking him. After he takes a ramrod to the face and is squashed, she starts coming onto him and gives him a massage (happy ending not included).

But gasp, choke — Ginger in a Gothic Lolita dress stands behind them and (apparently) stabs Bo with a transforming super lollipop (again, I am not making this up). Now if Ginger just went berserk on their asses and started killing everyone, it would be the best plot twist yet. But Bleedman is too incompetent for that, so we find out later that Gothic!Ginger is actually the princess' evil twin. Yes, her freaking evil twin; a trope so old that it was already played out when Star Trek used it.

Meanwhile Bo's ramrod transforms into a monster because of the lame excuse that they are suddenly having a nightmare. How convenient! Bo claims the monsters are born out of our their deepest fears, but that is obviously bullshit. Nobody but nobody would be afraid of this ludicrous thing. I'll get back to this when we talk about the art itself, but suffice to say for now that Bleedman's character and monster designs are atrocious. I mean really, if you have no problem with stealing, why not steal from something that actually has frightening enemies, like Silent Hill? Oh my mistake, Silent Hill is neither a girls' anime nor a cartoon. Silly me.

Anyway, Hansel stands there like an idiot and just let's Gothic!Ginger stab him because he cares too much about the real one. Bo screams at him that it's not the real Ginger, so Hansel has no reason not to fight back or even merely defend himself, but I guess he's a moron. Before we can be rid of his baked ass, he and Bo both wake up. Hansel can't sleep anymore (wait, since when do gingerbread men have to sleep?), so he goes to Ginger's room and sees her walking into the kitchen. We later learn that she has been sucked into the evil mirror-world. If you want to know why she went into the kitchen at night and got into the portal that popped up without technical help you are setting yourself up for disappointment, because that is never explained.

Thanks to the power of convenience and illogic, the Brave Hearts gather and King sends Bo and not-Hakumen on a mission to find the princess and Hansel, which they do by stepping into the fucking Stargate. Oh, it's called "Warpgate", but that doesn't change the fact that Bleedman has ripped something off again, in his first "original" story I might add. This also makes one wonder on what level of technological progress Harmonia is or why they even use technology if they have magic, but again those questions don't get answered, because to Bleedman doesn't consider anything part of the story as whole so much as a collection of plot devices to create drama.

We meet Professor Cocoa again (FUCK) and get a page of useless technobabble leading up to the revelation that our missing protagonists are in the evil world, "the other side" (I wonder if they've got friends there). Geez, with the way they keep hiding the name of this place, you'd think it was the name of the Pharaoh from Yu-Gi-Oh! or something. Bo wants to rush in immediately because Hansel could be in trouble (he is, but nobody cares, especially when the monster has stupid eyebrows), but not-Hakumen holds her back and they report to King. Meanwhile, Hansel beats up the suit-wearing monster but then finds himself in front of a bunch more monsters that look either generic and/or stupid, including a shark with a Donald Duck cap. Great, one more classic cartoon character ruined by this shitfest.

Hansel runs away, has a pointless flashback, and remembers that he got into the evil world by meeting an Indian-shaman-bird-ghost-thing named "Mindsnare, the Hauntergeist", who makes Matrix references 11 years after the fucking movie came out. Whatever, at least nobody has used bullet-time yet...

Chapter three has the title "Hansel in Wonderland" (ugh) and begins with him following Mindsnare through the portal. Because the first thing you do when meeting an obvious villain is do anything he says and not get any help. Is it just me, or is Hansel retarded? It's like Friday the 13th all over again; if someone actually used common sense, the whole thing would be over in an instant.

We cut back to the present (sort of) and see Bo and not-Hakumen arrive in the evil land to locate him. Bleedman again tries to use humor, but is apparently still incapable of grasping it. Then we see yet another location (Goddamnit Bleedman, could you just pick a scene and develop it?) where Hansel arrives at a lake and meets... oh shit.
 


And now we have furries. The circle of hell is complete.


Why anyone would think of including an underage fox-girl in your comic as a good idea is beyond me, but whatever. Hansel accepts her suspiciously sexual-sounding offer and escapes the monsters that are chasing him via her boat. As it predictably turns out, the boat itself is actually a monster too and tries to eat him. A flying thing snatches him away before he can become lunch, brings him to the other side of the lake and turns out to be... Superman Mammon!

In order to create what an idiot might mistake for suspense, we return to Bo and not-Hakumen, who see fox-girl pretend that her ship is sinking in the most blatant "damsel in distress"-way possible. As you've probably already figured out, it's a plot to try and lure morons close enough that the monster boat can eat them, and not-Hakumen somehow falls for it.

Of course nobody actually dies since not-Hakumen easily kicks the boat's ass. After all, Bleedman won't simply let his characters die. So after a quick off-shore battle, the two girls are left naked except for towels. And now you know why this otherwise pointless scene exists; so Bleedman could draw fox-girl and sheep-girl in the nude. Unless you care about Bleedman's odd bestiality fetish, then he is intentionally wasting our time here.

Elsewhere Hansel is in Mammon's limousine, who's first name appears to be Gene. He gives him lots of fancy food and promises to take Hansel to the princess. I would ask him to get me as far away from her as possible, but maybe that's just me. Gene makes a half-hearted Jigsaw joke and offers Hansel to play a PSP game with him. I kinda like this guy, if only because he doesn't seem to give a shit about the melodramatic crapfest happening around him.

The city they travel through is the capital of Dystopius. Yes, this is the name of evil world that Bleedman has been hyping up all the time. Even "Mordor" would have been a more creative choice. We get a scene with a fat "evil" cop where Bleedman once again fails miserably at comic relief, then suddenly a rocket blows up the car. The one responsible for the explosion is none other than Evil!Ginger, who apparently stole her dress from Rachel Alucard — except for the part that would prevent her panties from showing, of course. And so ends chapter three on a shitty cliffhanger.

Chapter four is called "The Rescuers" and shows that fox-bitch, Bo and not-Hakumen are super-special-awesome friends now who want to rescue Hansel. How that happened is for some reason not included in the main story, at least not immediately. Instead Bleedman has written it as a flashback/side story that is not even completed because it happens in a much later chapter of Sugar Bits as a totally unnecessary flashback. Again, I have to ask what the point of this is. You are not Tite Kubo, Bleedman. Why are you taking out parts of your "story" and showing them later without any reason for withholding them like that it would spoil the foreshadowing or something?

Anywho, there is an explosion and fox-bitch explains that this is common in Dystopius, since there are always gang wars, terrorist attacks (MANDY DID 9/11!) and assassinations. However, since she just pulled the ability to smell Hansel from miles away out of her ass, they figure out he is there and start heading towards it.

Back in town, Evil!Ginger gloats on top of a building, but gets slapped by Regular Ginger who just appeared out of nowhere in her underwear (of course). We get some cryptic nonsense that is supposed to be foreshadowing, but really the only thing that one can comprehend is that the two are sisters. No, REALLY!?

Meanwhile, Hansel despairs about not being able to save the driver, but Gene suddenly draws a gun that looks a lot like the one used by Rozalin in Disgaea 2. (It's worth noting that on this page Gene's horns changed colors. Bleedman noticed this, but is apparently too lazy to correct it.) He shoots some bunny monster that assaults them along with a bunch of other ones that apparently like to steal jokes from South Park. Gene then tells Hansel to abandon him, but Hansel utters some clichés and goes Naruto on the enemies' asses. No seriously, what the fuck is that?
 


It's like Avatar: The Last Airbender, only much stupider.


Hansel explains that the flames only harm evil people. Hm, I take my Avatar comment back; this is like 666 Satan, only much stupider. And that's saying something. By the way, didn't Disgaea also use flames like that as a plot device? I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging...

Anyway, a gigantic bunny-robot-monster-whatever thing appears out of thin air and attacks Gene who says "Oh shit," which although censored is at least a step up from the idiotic, made-up swearwords from before. Predictably, Hansel tells him to watch his language like a stuck-up pussy and Bo rescues them with her chains. I assume that every character can teleport to wherever they want if the plot demands it. Whatever the case may be, Bo fails miserably and Hansel drags Gene away by his legs causing him to bounce on the ground because Bleedman wanted to insert some "hilarious" antics into the oh-so-serious fight scene.

The loli fox girl and not-Hakumen show up shortly afterwards, some crap no one cares about happens, and the battle proceeds to just sort of drag on for way too many pages. Some other characters get involved too, including B.B. Hood from Darkstalkers. Wait, HUH!?

Actually it's Red Riding Hood from Ever After, another webcomic on Snafu that I never read and refuse to start with now. She wields quite a useless weapon — a saw, to be precise — but since this is a story about a talking gingerbread man being hit on by underage animal girls, I think we can let that slide. Strangely, she throws her weapon like a shuriken (Rule number 135 in combat: "Don't throw your sword!") but not-Hakumen deflects it with his arm. Evil!Ginger bites her sister's ear in a really bizarre bit of fanservice, bitches and moans some more, and Mindsnare starts to mind-fuck Red so that she sees not-Hakumen as her worst nightmare. For some reason she's got her saw back which transforms into a chainsaw (predictable) when she makes an hilariously over-the-top rageface.

She charges not-Hakumen, but he activates his flame attack and causes Red's cloak to catch fire. Luckily he has her in an arm lock and she snaps out of her rage, which spares us the agony of having to see more panty shots. As it turns out, Bo and Hansel are losing the fight so bad that he loses a part of his head and Red sees a black blob-like creature that is supposed to be the Big Bad Wolf because Bleedman is fuck-all determined to cram as many fairytale references in this comic as he can. That's it for chapter four.

Chapter five... starts off even more boring than usual. King and some yawning twerp from dreamland bombard us with text walls, but the only thing that we learn is that apparently someone is a traitor and let the nightmares into the dreamland.

Speaking of which, Bo and Hansel are still getting crushed by the giant rabbit robot (rabbot?) and not-Hakumen does shit while the retarded-looking wolf blob-thing takes over Red Riding Hood. Yeah. Then it engulfs him in darkness while Gene and fox-bitch look on and make a groan-inducing pun. Nemo puts them inside him (whoa) to keep them safe, which causes more awful puns. Meanwhile Bo is pissed off because Hansel is kinda sorta not really hurt and transforms her bell into super-retarded ultra-Excalibur. How can she do that? Uh... a wizard did it!

Not-Hakumen is floating in darkness and tries to touch the underage girl while a voice tells him to come closer (!?). Not-Hakumen then has retarded, incest-like flashbacks to his dead mother. This raises two questions: First, how the fuck does someone get impregnated with and give birth to a suit of armor, and secondly what is it with Bleedman and incest? This is the second time he has used this as a plot point, and I'd rather not be reminded of Grim Tales anymore, thank you very much.

Bo and Hansel still suck ass at fighting, by the way. While they get tossed around like a Cardcaptor Sakura body pillow in Bleedman's washing machine, Gothic!Ginger suddenly rides a wolf-shadow-thing into battle. Yeah. She tries to stab Hansel with her candy lance, and he has another goddamned flashback to the dream world, where the same thing happened. Of course, any menace she could potentially radiate (which is almost nonexistent anyway) is immediately crushed by the stupid facial expressions.
 


Duuuuur!


Of course, before she can do anything, Bo intervenes by ripping off the iconic blades from God of War, just like a certain manchild once did. Naturally she gets owned almost instantly and then stabbed. Yet another theme in Bleedmans works: Women are useless (unless they can serves as underage fap fodder for him, that is).

Wolf-thing continues probing not-Hakumen's mind and shows us ANOTHER fucking flashback, this time to when he and Bo befriended fox-bitch. This is the aforementioned side story, although I have no idea why we get at this point in the plot. Normally, flashbacks have something to do with the current situation the character is in. Oh well, nothing else makes sense so who even cares. Not Bleedman!

While not-Hakumen is off gathering firewood, fox-bitch and sheep-bitch are busy being naked when all the ridiculous throwaway monsters from earlier in the comic suddenly return to threaten them. What follows is such a disgustingly transparent parade of underage fanservice that I'm calling it the final straw for my review of this abomination.

Before I get to the art and the conclusion, I'd like to name some of the more general flaws that show how Bleedman is to writing what a child molester is to sex. This portion could probably fill up another Comic Release article by itself, but I'll limit it to seven key issues for brevity. (This one's for you, John Solomon.)

1. Obnoxious, bland and boring characters.
This is pretty much the worst one. I could forgive a bad story or clichéd writing if only the characters were likable and interesting. You see, in order to give a shit about the story, we need someone we can relate to — a protagonist with human character traits. A good example would be Luke Skywalker. In the beginning we get to know him, learn about his hopes and dreams, and start to care about him. I can't stress this enough: Be sloppy with your writing when it comes to your protagonist, and you can kiss the slightest hope for quality storytelling goodbye. Bleedman doesn't give a shit. Emotional baggage, "tragic" pasts or jerkass behavior do not make a likable, deep or interesting character.

2. Nothing makes sense.
This is actually one of the most obvious things about writing, yet many nitwits like Bleedman and Michael Bay still manage to fuck it up. It's okay when your fictional world operates with rules different from our world, but those rules have to be explained properly. The worst thing you can do is make your world's rules self-contradicting or entirely nonsensical (for example, Bleedman's definition of what constitutes a "good" or "bad" thing in Harmonia and Dystopius). The same thing applies to your characters. They have to behave like real people, otherwise we can't emphasize with them. In the case of the Sugar Bits cast, their actions are unrealistic and violate the most basic level of common sense. All of these things violently jerk the audience out of their suspension of disbelief, and they won't be grateful for that.

3. Tim Burton Syndrome.
I coined this phrase to refer to any type of story that tries to blend traditionally childish things (like fairytale-stuff and so on) with a more serious or "gothic" atmosphere and fails horribly. Bleedman is no stranger to this, as he butchered The Nightmare before Christmas, one of the few movies where it is done right (and one of my favorites). Tim Burton Syndrome is present in all of his works, but in Sugar Bits it becomes especially apparent. On the one hand his story includes jokes that only a three-year-old would laugh at, silly fairytale worlds, and horrible comic relief. On the other hand it has graphic mutilation, mindrape and lots of violence and death. The abrupt changes in tone are very jarring to say the least.

4. The villains are shitty.
Roger Ebert once put it like this: "Each film is only as good as its villain." This applies to almost any type of storytelling, including videogames (Ha!). For example, Portal had an utterly fantastic story because it had an utterly fantastic villain: GLaDOS. Sugar Bits has... um... nobody, really. All the throwaway-monsters don't count, nor does the wolf because he is taken from another author and the Indian-spirit-thing while being capable of mindrape is only a plot device for Licorice, aka Gothic!Ginger. Licorice herself tries really hard to look menacing, but has no clear motivation for her actions and never becomes anything more intimidating than a little girl with a giant candy cane trying oh-so-hard to look evil.

5. Fanservice.
There is really no denying or hiding it: Bleedman jerks it to underage girls. I wouldn't even give a shit about it if he didn't shove it in our faces every other panel, but I'm sick of him acting like everyone on the internet has the same fucked up fantasies as him. Besides, running around and telling people that you want to fuck preteens is generally not a good idea. If he only did lolicon hentai, then it might be appropriate, but if you try to tell a story with mainstream appeal then extreme amounts of fan(dis)service only serve to annoy or offend the audience.

6. Dialogue that would make Masashi Kishimoto cringe.
Bleedman has no clue how a conversation between human beings works. He constantly assaults us with textwalls and exposition, and yet all of his characters talk with the same "voice", so to speak. It's like watching a puppet show by the worst voice-impersonator ever, except he wants to molest his audience. Not a single conversation was interesting or contributed to the nonexistent character development in any way.

7. BOOOOOORING!
This was pretty much inevitable. Bleedman doesn't make us care about his characters, fight scenes aren't exciting or creative in any way, we have no idea what's going on and the story itself was barely there to begin with. Constantly throwing out random nonsense (coughFamilyGuycough) might entertain a infant, but don't expect your audience to consist of anyone over the age of five. That's a no-brainer, Bleedman.

...Wait a minute... Oh God!
 

The Art


I've said it before, and I'll say it again: even though I absolutely hate his style, Bleedman isn't a bad artist. His problem is that he doesn't know how to make use of his skills. Or more likely, he does and simply ignores any chance for improvement. If I had to sum up his art in Sugar Bits in one word, it would be "stagnant". Page by page, it's the same cookie-cutter bullshit without any difference. In fact, the character designs in the latest pages might even be losing detail.

Since I've mentioned them often enough, let's talk about his monster designs. From the first one to the last, we don't see a single one that is unique or memorable in any way. They're certainly drawn well enough, but so cliché and generic that you will forget about them immediately. They're all just random clumps of teeth and claws and eyes plastered onto unrecognizable shapes that look ridiculous.

Bleedman's regular character designs are equally forgettable for the most part, but without the benefit of that "chaotic mess" factor to make them stand out for even a moment. There's no sense of consistency either. Basically, the same jarring feeling you get from the world they live in also applies to the characters themselves — nothing looks like it truly belongs. We have cartoony animals, futuristic suits of armor, gay lions, human(-ish) girls, demons... It's a mess. Now, I'm not saying that combining radically different tones and styles never work, but you have to be an excellent writer and artist to overcome the dangers of making your work look like a half-assed ripoff of Tim Burton. Since Bleedman is a mediocre artist and a horrible writer, he had no chance.

Then there are the worlds themselves. Harmonia is obnoxiously colorful and looks like the location where Katy Perry shot her "California Girls" video. Ugh. Dystopius is a depressing, lifeless grey-a-thon. Both suck, but for opposite reasons. Actually, I take that back. They for the exact same reason: there's no subtly or cleverness in the art design whatsoever. The solitary theme for each location is piled on so thick that there's no room left for any real imagination.

If there is any lesson to be learned from all of Bleedman's crappy comics, it's one of great importance that I've heard Cody mention before: Never be satisfied with your work. No matter how good you are (or think you are), there is always room for improvement. If the siren calls of ass-kissing fanboys manage to seduce you into complete egomania, then you will inevitably stagnate and be forever doomed to mediocrity or worse.
 

The Author


Well, this is it. The part you've all been waiting for — or perhaps "dreading" would be more appropriate... The examination of Bleedman's eye-searingly horrible pedophilic porn pictures. There are literally dozens of these floating around the internet, but I'll use up my last remaining shred of humanity and only show you five pictures that will make you want to kill yourself. Behold:


Aaaand we're already off to a good start. Incest, pedophilia AND necrophilia? Even Twilight didn't go that far.


I really don't know what to say here. This is almost self-parody. If we were on To Catch a Predator, this picture would be as good as a signed confession with a certificate of authenticity written by the God-Emperor himself. Bleedman isn't even trying to hide it anymore.


Oh Bleedman, you lovable rapscallion! You thought it needed blatant innuendo, didn't you? Oh how ador MAIM KILL MURDER BURN


Why are they even wearing their tops if they aren't wearing underwear? I haven't seen such a bizarre view of modesty since Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt. And guess what? That sucked too!


Yo dawg, I herd you like tentacles, so we put some loli in your tentacles so you can rape lolis while you rape lolis!

All joking aside, I only have one thing to say: WHAT THE FUCK!? No seriously, what the fuck is that shit? Hey Bleedman, FUCK YOU BUDDY!

Gahh... Really, the pictures speak for themselves. Everything you know about Bleedman from the various author sections should boil down to one thing: He is a disgusting and horrible person. And if you can't see that, then you are either retarded or just as loathsome as he is.
 

In Conclusion...


And so we have finally reached the end of The Bleedman Chronicles. I really don't know what else to say. If you've read up to this point then you already know everything about him and his teeth-grindingly bad creations. Whatever he steals and glues together, nothing fucking works. He's like the Dr. Frankenstein of shit. Grim Tales From Down Below is still Bleedman's worst creation to date, but Sugar Bits tries really hard to knock it off its throne — and almost succeeds, shockingly. And since SB isn't finished yet, Bleedman has limitless potential to add more horrible crap and eventually create something even worse.

Cody and I have endured Bleedman's horrible creations in order to show you the anatomy of these monstrosities. Right now this twisted mockery of a human being is resting, but there is no way of telling when he'll strike again and crap out yet another webcomic abomination that destroys the souls of anyone who reads it. If and when that happens, we will rise to fight him once again in the endless struggle between snarky critics and artistic nonsense. Will it be a war we can win? Only time will tell, folks... Only time will tell.

- Max-Vader

 

 

Alex's AFTER Thoughts

 

While it would be an exaggeration for me to say that Sugar Bits is the worst webcomic I've ever read, I can say without any embellishment or hyperbole that it is easily the most disorienting comic I've laid eyes on in recent memory. "Todd McFarlane does Candy Land with character designs by a Japanese furry" is a weird enough premise for a comic by itself, but Bleedman just couldn't let the insanity end there. Oh no, not while there was still a chance that anyone with an internet connection might mistakenly think that some small measure of his popularity was deserved.

For someone who obviously spends a great deal of time rehearsing explanations to the police about how he thought a playground was an outdoor sperm bank, Bleedman is surprisingly inept when it comes to telling a story. The continuity may have sucked in Grim Tales and PPGD, but it's virtually nonexistent in Sugar Tits. Caffeine-addicted eight-year-olds on a trampoline jump around less than this comic's plot. The story is established early on as a tale about the inhabitants of a Christmas card by Sanrio fighting against plaque monsters ripped from a coloring book Bleedman once saw when he was stalking children in a dentist's office. That plot lasts for all of seven pages before it transforms into a story about the magical romance between a half-naked girl and a sentient cookie. The story again switches gears a dozen or so pages later and becomes about the characters screwing around in some dream world that shows us what Inception would have been like if Christopher Nolan was a child predator obsessed with anime. Bleedman quickly gets bored of that storyline too, however, so he moves the setting to Cloudy Background World and gives us a fight sequence so excruciatingly drawn-out that it makes the battles in Dragon Ball Z look brief.

The only element of Shitter Bits with less direction than the storyline is the artwork. Quality aside, nothing is at all consistent. Bleedman changes coloring/shading styles no fewer than four times within the first hundred pages of the comic, and the designs of several characters change noticeably from one appearance to the next. You can't even call it an evolution in artistic technique, because the level of detail in the drawings and the quality of the shading actually diminish over time. If this trend continues, the final pages of the comic should consist of two-tone stick figures defined by arrows leading to descriptions like "yaoi fanart Lucifer" and "naked preteen fox girl".

Bleedman and his brainwashed fans can make excuses for this bullshit all day long, but the obvious truth is that nothing in Booger Shits is planned or scripted in advance. This chaotic clusterfuck of a comic is the result of Bleedman taking whatever nonsense pops into his head any given week and inserting it into the latest page wherever it'll fit. Considerations like where a particular plot thread is heading or whether or not anything is aesthetically synchronized are tossed out the window and replaced by thoughts of how best to show the female characters' undies in as many panels as possible.

Vinson Ngo is the worst thing to happen to the internet since the invention of the pop-up Flash ad. I can't even bring myself to call him a bad person, because that would mean having to recognize him as a human being. Ngo is really more of a concept—a loathsome concept that success and adoration can be attained without talent or effort as long as someone is willing to sell their soul and provide fantasy fuel to the morally degenerate. I'll continue to hope that the next child Bleedman touches will be the one that points to him in front of a jury and ends this nightmare once and for all, but until then, I'm callin' it quits. Even if ol' Bleedy craps out another series after this one, I am officially done subjecting myself to the works of this sadistic sexual deviant.

 

'Till next time!

MANGA! (Not really.)