Part XIV: "Pastel Defender
(As seen at
This comic is the most retarded thing ever.
I know, it sounds like I'm resorting to hyperbole for lack of a
better way to attack another bland flavor-of-the-month webcomic.
But it really is the truth. While PDH is far from the most
repulsive work ever featured on Comic Release, nothing I have
reviewed or seen up to this point comes even close to how
batshit insane this one is. Since this comic has existed
for over nine years, I'm also fairly confident that I won't ever
find something more ludicrous than it—unless of course it comes
from the author responsible for this little vacation from logic.
Just look at the title. Does "Pastel Defender Heliotrope" sound
like a webcomic that makes any sense whatsoever? Acid-abusing
hippie stoners trying to come up with a name for their homemade
grape-and-Doritos flavored ice cream could do better than that.
Since it's impossible to quickly summarize how utterly baffling
this thing is, let's take a look at the... ahem... "story" it
attempts to tell.
The beginning of this comic is remarkably similar to Dante's Inferno.
I'm not talking about characters or writing or anything like
that, but the first page of the comic is basically the same
thing as the gate to Hell, because one look at it is enough to
understand the unspoken message: "Though Me The Way To Eternal
Pain; Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here." No, for once I am
not indulging in exaggeration; when you look at the first page
of this shit, you are literally looking at the gates of
narrative hell. Any discerning reader will know right away that
interesting characters or gripping plotlines will not be found
in the tale that follows. Why am I saying this? Because the
debut page of PDH is nothing but awful white-on-pink schematics
of an UNDERAGE SEX DOLL. How I wish I was bullshitting you. And
even worse? That thing is our main character. She is the "pastel
defender" to which the title alludes. And to explain how that is
supposed to work in the context of the narrative (if you can
call it that), we'll have to actually start going through the
story. Fuck everything.
Okay, so chapter one (titled "Plastic Shame") begins with a
mouthless, bespectacled weirdo who has a serious case of anime
hair going to a sex shop (which is written in Japanese, just to
make it perfectly clear that the author is a massive weeaboo)
and buying the aforementioned creepy sex doll. One of the clerks
starts going off about how it's completely surprising that such
a famous guy as Dr. Aoi would shop there, providing us with the
most subtle exposition since Neon Genesis Evangelion. I don't
imagine that being the last Evangelion comparison I'll have to
make before this review is over... Anyway, the clerk goes on to
say, "Well I'll be Majumdered!" If you're anyone else on the
planet but the author, you're probably wondering what the actual
fuck that means. Well, it's basically a made-up curse word. The
reason for the profanity being censored is something we'll delve
into when we discuss the author, who goes by the moniker JDR. If
you read all the way to the bottom of this page, the sight of
those initials will conjure a kind of terror in your mind that
travels far beyond the fear of death.
Moving on, Dr. Creepo goes home and a glance below the page
provides us with yet another source of the infinite fun that
springs from this webcomic: The footnotes. Don't expect JDR to
actually explain what's going on, though. Explaining your
setting/characters through footnotes outside of the narrative is
shitty storytelling, but obviously he can't even rise to that
level of incompetence since, as I mentioned, the footnotes are
about as illuminating as a wet match in a mineshaft at midnight.
Allow me to prove that this yet again is not hyperbole but an
accurate description of observable reality. When Dr. Pedophile
arrives home, he closes the door by pushing up some green jelly
thingamajig in a hole in the wall. Here is what the footnote has
"The actuator switch for the closet door is and [sic] example of
processed Green Chatoyanite. When compressed, the Green
Chatoyanite affects hidden Orange Chatoyanite wheel-machines in
proximity, which begin motion (rotation) which closes or opens
the closet door."
Well, that clears everything up! Sarcasm aside, though, the
entire world operates on ludicrously complicated yet utterly
nonsensical pseudo-science shit (often involving some jelly-like
substance for no reason) that only makes sense in the author's
own diseased mind. If this is the kind of bullshit psychologists
have to deal with, I'm glad I didn't become one.
A good way to imagine what this shit is like without actually
reading the comic yourself (a course of action I highly
recommend) is to think of the technobabble in Star Trek.
Remember that episode where Captain Picard was in a jam and only
the brilliant genius of Wesley Crusher could save the day
because he is one of the greatest canon Mary Sues ever? It would
go something like "Captain, what if we reverse the thrusters on
the warp-engine to overheat the plasma coils and penetrate their
secondary sub-processor?" Take that, remove all traces of logic
from it, replace all names and concepts that were taken from
actual science with nonsense words from Willy Wonka's
fever dreams, stretch it out over several paragraphs and MAKE IT
THE BASIS OF THE ENTIRE NARRATIVE. That's what it's like.
Back to the actual story though, Dr. Diddler is in the fetal
position and cries while invoking the name of "Godan" (who is
apparently some sort of god in this world), and chastises
himself for being an evil sinner. We then immediately cut so
some sort of university where Dr. Toddlerfister is suddenly
giving a lecture about the history of their entire civilization.
This makes no sense narrative-wise, but obviously is there to
shoehorn more exposition in there so the reader can better
understand this nonsensical bullshit called a story. Oh yeah,
and the exposition is delivered to us in gigantic walls of text
that make the average Ctrl+Alt+Del strip look like an exercise
in minimalism. What is he talking about? In summary, their
ancestors left their original universe and came to the one they
are in now, they brought some luggage with them, and that
luggage has special powers. Then he babbles about "Chatoyance"
(JDR uses this as a name on FIMFiction for some reason), eight
substances which are the basis of all matter yet separate from
matter and can be made into little objects for processing into
all sorts of shit because JDR is an idiot.
Look at all
those fucking words.
He proceeds to explain all of the Chatoyanites until we arrive
at the eighth one, Heliotrope, which previously had no use but
most be super important because it's in the title. Apparently it
can be used to rip holes into space and explore other
universes—or "hyperspace"—by being made into a fancy
science-stick. In case you wonder what fancy and complicated
science looks like to JDR, it's two colorful objects held by a
needlessly intricate metal rod.
I am fucking amazed at the scientific insight here. I mean shit,
what kind of imbecile would want to write a story about
fantastic futuristic science when he has less knowledge about
regular science than a fourth-grader? Oh right, JDR.
After the lecture, the daughter of the guy Dr. Nonce works with
asks him out (apparently this is not the first time) but he
flimsily excuses himself, then proceeds to bash his head against
the wall for doing so. This guy is about as socially graceful as
your average troper. Makes the pedophilia all the more
We then cut to a pair of noseless animu girls, hear another
made-up curse word, and learn that people are often named after
colors in this idiotic world. Okay, now do me a favor. Look at
how long this article has been to reach this point. Keep in mind
that I have severely restrained myself and not mentioned some of
the other major bullshit—let alone the minor stuff—then consider
the fact that I am ONLY TEN PAGES INTO THE COMIC. This thing
goes for 230 pages. Sure, this isn't nearly as much as some
other long-running comics, but at least seemingly-unending dreck
like Dominic Deegan is easy enough to coast through without
utter insanity jumping out to smack you on every page. I am
seriously tempted to just stop this review here, tell Alex I
couldn't take it anymore, and move on to the art and author
sections: something I didn't even consider when I was reviewing
US Angel Corps. In no way, shape, or form am I saying that this
comic is worse than USAC, mind you, but it might be more
unreadable. I can force myself through vile and morally
repulsive webcomic garbage no matter how extreme it is, but this
thing is boring, inane, ridiculous, and utterly idiotic at the
same time and every page just makes me want to throw my hands up
in disgust and give up because my brain refuses to be insulted
any further. Hand this comic to a lobotomized baboon with a
learning disability and he'll think you're treating him like an
idiot. But enough of this complaining. As much as it pains me,
let's keep going.
One of the girls gets off the bus and goes home where some guy
receives her at the door with two dildos in hand that look like
H. R. Giger's attempt at creating colorful sex-toys after
getting drunk. He then spouts something about paying her tuition
and rapes her. End of scene. At this point I'm seriously
debating whether I prefer to see pseudo-science jargon or
The next chapter kicks off with a family going to church to
worship Godan. The footnotes tell us "Godanism" is the one and
only religion that exists and is enforced by the state. Dissent
is not allowed, you either worship Godan or shut the fuck up.
The religion is basically Christianity with a sloppy paintjob.
"Amen" is now "Men-Ra" and other stupid bullshit, but
essentially it's just a transparent parody of Christian
practices. By the way, did I mention that the author hates
religion the way fundamentalists always think atheists hate
religion—as in blind, irrational fury? Yeah. That becomes
immediately apparent when the daughter of the family gets
rejected by her lesbian lover because the latter got told by her
parents that it's "just a phase" and also sinful and wrong. In
other words, this is a super-advanced civilization and yet the
church is still stuck in the 17th century mindset. How does this
make sense? Simple: Having a more tolerant and less oppressive
religion in the story would prevent JDR from using all his
favorite Christian stereotypes in order to exact some sweet
revenge for all the injustices he thinks he suffered at the hands of
religious authority figures. This story may be about shitty
pseudoscience and transhumanist singularity wankfantasies, but
don't think JDR didn't leave room for a bunch of preaching about
his pet issues.
It's as if a
creationist's caricature of Richard Dawkins came to life
and hired a
quadruple amputee to draw pictures for him.
The white-haired daughter then cries in her room while reading a
shitty comic that is based on one of JDR's dreams. Why do I know
this? Because he spends several paragraphs describing it in the
footnotes. Fortunately, we change scenes again and see Dr.
Pervert work with some colleague of his who has stupid hair.
They go through a star gate... thing into another universe in
robot-suits and have an existential crisis because their faith
has the rather strange doctrine that all universes are suitable
for human life, yet this one has no air. They retreat, label it
as "not a universe but a dangerous anomaly" and his colleague
tells him to shut his trap about it because they just found
clear evidence that contradicts their faith so they are going to
hide it from everyone and pretend it doesn't exist. Man, this
comic is scientific as fuck. Then Dr. Child Predator goes home,
fucks his sex-doll, then punches a mirror because this is dumb.
Back with the family, everyone is watching TV on a green jelly
surface, which means all colors you get to see are green, green,
and green. The program shows cops arriving at the house where the girl
we saw earlier was raped because she hit the guy with a bottle. The
cops resolve this matter by arresting her for having sex outside
of marriage and letting the guy off with a warning. Did you know JDR also hates men? I know it's hard to tell because the writing
is so incredibly subtle.
Back with Dr. Kiddiemolester, he and his buddy discover yet
another universe unsuitable for human life. Suddenly the window
of his mech suit starts breaking and he freaks out thinking he's
going to die. His coworker actually lets him sit there for a
while before rescuing him in the hopes that almost dying would
make him more religious. Needless to say, he isn't very happy
when he's told this. So far, the number of likeable
or interesting characters remains at zero and I don't expect it
to rise above that any time soon.
The girl that was raped soon gets thrown out of the university
over "moral concerns", so she starts working at a
supermarket... Until the guy who raped her goes to her boss and
gets her fired, that is. And what a surprise, the exact same
thing happened to JDR! Except the guy responsible for him
getting canned was a "fundamentalist Christian" who did it
because JDR is a... Actually, I'll save that for later.
Back with the "scientists", they explore another universe that
turns out to be hostile. Of course we don't get to see what
happens and are instead treated to another wall of text
explaining what transpired alongside a little picture of Dr.
Pedobear typing on a computer, because the "show don't tell"
rule is for stupid assholes.
Hey, are you tired of Christian caricatures yet? JDR isn't! We
see the family again where... well... this happens:
"Please stop hitting me, mother! I can't help being what I am!"
"No Daughter of mine is gay!" *pulls a knife* "I'll kill you!"
"I was just kidding!"
"Oh, okay. Dinner will be ready soon."
And wouldn't you know it, this scene is supposedly something
that happened between JDR and his mother. If it really did
happen that way, it would explain a lot. You'll see why later.
I finally have an opportunity to gloss over a few pages because
less important things happen. The gist of it is that the
colleague of the doctor is dead (or something), he took some
sort of glowing orb with him from the other universe, and the
church discovers in some ancestral luggage proving that Godan
was (big surprise) just a scientist from long ago. Truly an
amazing twist that no other science fiction author has ever
though of before. Dr. Dipshit gets a gag order from the
government, is basically disgraced and thus drinks a lot of
alcohol to drown his sorrows. Oh yeah, and since JDR doesn't
know how drunk people behave, he got his info from a reliable
source: Conker's Bad Fur Day. While drunk, Dr. Lightweight
sticks the magical doohickey into the sex doll and brings it to
life, causing the doll to believe she's his daughter. Awkward!
JDR mentions in the footnotes that the doll was intentionally
designed to fall into the uncanny valley because he thinks that
would make interacting with it more interesting. As he puts it:
"...an animated plastic doll, such as Heliotrope, would be
either terrifically fascinating or terribly disturbing to
interact with. Unless, of course, one is not a normal person."
I wasn't joking
when I said the hair was stupid.
Back with the white-haired lesbian, she is forced on a date with
some politician's son who reveals his dad just wants to get rid
of him through marriage because he has extreme political views.
How extreme, you ask? He doesn't believe in Godan and thinks
gays are people, too! Just like JDR— I mean the white-haired
girl! He also loves the same comics as she does! No points for
guessing that he is based on someone JDR once dated. The two of
them go to some sort of reverse-gravity pit where you could fall
in and die if you're not in the right position because that's
how gravity works. Then panty shots. Then they accidentally
discover the secret location of the ancestor luggage because
everyone in the government is a fucking moron who can be easily
outwitted by children. The footnotes tell us that the entire
backstory is based on another webcomic by JDR, Unicorn Jelly. It
then assures us we don't need to read it to understand this
bullshit, which is a laugh and a half. [If you aren't already
familiar with Unicorn Jelly, I suggest you make your education
as painless as possible and learn more via
this review. - Alex]
The Church of Godan claims that their civilization was destroyed
because ancient people accepted gays and had women in power. (So
subtle!) But as it turns out, the ancient people didn't worship
Godan but some goddess who was based on some woman who saved
everyone from some disease or whatever. The footnotes this time
only contain an idiotic quote by a woman named Rebecca West
claiming that she doesn't know what feminism is, but that people
always called her a feminist when she "expressed sentiments
different from a doormat or prostitute". This is fucking
weapons-grade stupidity. Then JDR opines on time travel and
string theory as if he knows what the fuck he's talking about.
Then Dr. Asshole is in some sort of Groundhog Day causality
loop. Even if it was logically feasible to keep track of what
was happening by this point, I don't care anymore. I just want
this to be over.
The girl who was raped earlier tries to commit suicide by
jumping off a building, but calls Dr. Deviant for no reason before she does, so
he reanimates his doll and sends her on a rescue mission. She
can't find the girl, so she activates one of the unlimited
superpowers she now has for some reason. After blowing all the
clouds away so she can find the girl, Super Fuckdoll saves her
while saving the audience from having to look at anything
exciting or interesting. The government investigates the
incident with gunships, which are based on a piece of toilet
paper JDR once looked at while going potty. Seriously.
Then some nonsense with a puppet theater in the void happens and
I think JDR was on some sort of drug(s) when he came up with
this. Actually, no; I've seen people on drugs, and they are far
more sane and intelligent than any of this crap. By this point,
the footnotes have degenerated into song lyrics and quotes about
how religion sucks. It's sad that this is a noticeable
improvement over the explanations of the already insultingly
obvious "symbolism" in the story. Speaking of, in case you
haven't gotten the point yet, the Godan pope and some other
priest are openly talking about the fact that they know their
faith is actually a lie and just made up to control
simple-minded people. The priest (named after the word theodicy,
oh so clever) claims he actually does believe in Godan despite
the fact that he knows that he is a lie—even though that makes
no sense—and tries to justify his position by claiming that
since we almost never verify what anyone tells us, things like
science or basically anything is just the same as priests and
holy books, therefore reality is completely arbitrary and he
just "chooses the flavor [he] like[s]". I could point out how
fucking stupid this is, but I don't want to insult your
intelligence any more than JDR already has.
Then we are treated to construction workers shouting homophobic
insults at the girl who was raped because it's time for JDR's
webcomic hugbox again. He claims that this happened to him
because he had to walk past a construction site to get to work
and he imagined his "tormentors" being beaten, tortured, and murdered.
The very next sentence reads: "I wonder how
much grief and even violence in the world could be ended if only
certain adults stopped acting like repulsive adolescents?" I'll
give JDR the benefit of the doubt for once and assume he was
simply too fucking stupid to notice the massive
hypocrisy, which is especially egregious in light of some other
facts you'll learn later.
Anyway, rape girl proceeds to buy a gun helmet to kill her
boss, steals the necessary fuel from the construction
workers, and kills one of them in a gruesome explosion.
Remember, if someone insults you, feel free to kill them. It's
not murder if you're a special snowflake. Again, we'll get into
what JDR is later. Regardless, this entire sequence is basically
a wish fulfillment fantasy where JDR doodles what he'd do if he
had the balls (Hahahaha!) to actually act on his violent
impulses, demonstrating that he is a psychotic lunatic who would
slaughter everyone who looked at him funny if he wasn't such a
"Social justice" in a nutshell.
After killing the one guy, the avatar of JDR's repressed
anger returns to the place where she worked and utterly destroys
it, killing her boss and several other people in the process.
Then she laughs about it and sings a happy song. THEN she
proceeds to destroy a vital factory. Despite having done nothing
worthwhile over the entire course of the story, Dr. Loser is
called upon to help stop the homicidal bitch (who JDR's
footnotes assure us is still the real victim in all this).
Naturally, it's Super Fuckdoll to the rescue again. And because
every damn part of this comic HAS to be about JDR and his
issues, the footnotes go off on some pseudo-existentialist
claptrap about how no one has the authority to question the
self-definition of another and how labels are the result of
"prejudice and ignorance" and so on and so on. What does any of
this have to do with what's happening in the comic? Fucking
Back in the poorly-drawn pictures above JDR's rambling
manifesto, the white-haired lesbian meets the creepy sex doll
and instantly falls in love with her. Also, she has some sort of
evil spirit that wants to possess the doll's body and looks like
a hand puppet. The press conveniently is there and films the
whole thing, calling her a "mechanical girl", just like in that
song by Voltaire. Except utter shit and creepy as fuck. Speaking
character was the creepy doll again?
In a sequence drawn in shitty Western comic book style, the doll
confronts rape girl and is immediately scared off by her weapon.
Man, I was on the edge of my seat. Then the shitty hand puppet
ghost plays a video game wherein she shoots the doll out of the
sky (and that apparently happened in "reality" too) and then
possesses the white-haired lesbian in order to go to the doll,
even though this thing can apparently manifest anywhere so why
would it need to "go" to the doll to take its body and holy shit
I fucking hate this comic.
That hand puppet sock thing is called CURSOR and really wants
that thing that animates the doll but then its heart
spontaneously grows three sizes and it lets her live and fucks
off. No really, that happens. JDR even quotes the Grinch in the
Rape girl has gone properly bonkers by this time and is killing
people at random. Why? What possible motivation could she have
to do that? Fuck motivation, she's a villain, therefore evil,
and evil people do evil things! Like killing her boss for no
reason even though she just got the job—and through the kindness
of the doctor, no less. The doll activates her bullshit powers
and uses a Luminous Purity Column!™ to hit the rape girl point
blank. What does it do? It wipes out her entire mind so that she
doesn't even remember who she is and just babbles incoherently
about wanting to be friends and other infantile shit. It also
removes every scrap of her clothing because I guess even
hardcore feminists aren't above throwing their readers a little
free fanservice now and then.
Elsewhere, the priest is fucking the pope-guy because CHRISTIANS
ARE EVIL BIGOTED HYPOCRITES. Then some weird jelly monster
attacks who was the nanny of some government dude. Then more
stupid shit with the sock puppet. I know it seems like I'm
glossing over a lot here, but honestly, at this point there
isn't much going on except incoherent word salad. Also, the
white-haired lesbian had sex with the creepy doll. Several
times. Then the doll fights... something and time explodes or
whatever. Then more random shit happens and JDR thinks all that
defines a person is "data"; in other words, the contents of your
mind can, according to him, be manipulated just like computer
data. Then words words words crazy random shit and more words
and crazy random shit. Then the world ends and everyone is
floating balls of light and up is down and left is right and
everything I know is wrong and then the disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders told me this is remarkably like End of
For some reason, I find myself
having less and less to say in this section. It seems that, as
far as the artwork is concerned, all webcomics I review force
themselves to be as unspeakably boring in their badness as
possible. Well, okay, that's not entirely accurate; there are a
couple things to talk about with this one. First off: Noses! Holy shit, what
is wrong with the faaaaaces in this comic? Either they have no
noses at all, as if someone tried to emulate stereotypical anime
and just figured "fuck it, the noses are so small I might as
well not draw them," or they have gigantic noses that would look
out of place in even the most exaggerated caricature. A prime
example of this would be Dr. Pedo or whatever his name is. If
you care what his name is, then you obviously weren't reading
the comic because some guy who runs a website was threatening to
break your thumbs.
Oh yeah, and we can't forget the fucking hair. Hairstyles in PDH
are utterly insane and stupid. Most characters have multicolor
wannabe-anime hair that looks completely unnatural, like a
drawing of a discount cosplay wig. This is quite fitting with
the doll, but for shit's sake, her hair should not look
identical to the human characters' hair!
Then there are the shifts in the art. About halfway through, the
comic adopts a more... I hesitate to use the word "realistic",
but let's just say a very VERY slightly less horrible style. (Do
expect to feel the bile rising regardless when a sex scene comes
up, though.) Occasionally, however, it switches to some sort of
old-fashioned comic book style that doesn't look any better and
has no reason to be there at all, especially since the shift is
quite sudden and jarring.
Character designs are appropriately awful for an amateur
webmanga, but you already know that if you glanced at the images
in this article. Accessories like glasses are held up by some
weird frame that is supposed to look futuristic but only ends up
looking really stupid. Everybody's outfits are gaudily colorful
yet nothing stands out. A lot of people walk around in some sort
of futuristic 17th century French military uniform-looking shit,
and yet it is completely boring and devoid of details.
Faces are also terrible. Inconsistent noses aside, facial
features are devoid of details and when a character tries to
show any expression other than "bored", expect a horrifying
grimace. And let's not even get into the horrible proportions
and angles that cause the priest to have arms twice as long as
his legs and make everyone look like the victims of some sort of
horrible nuclear fallout.
The art is shit, is what I'm trying to say.
Ohohohoho... At last, we've arrived at the fun part. I'm sure
you've noticed that I've called JDR a "he" during this entire
review. Well, that is not entirely accurate, strictly speaking.
JDR stands for Jennifer Diane Reitz, you see. He adopted that
name after having a sex-change operation. Now you know why JDR
hates men so much: He is projecting his own self-loathing onto
the sex to which he used to belong.
Why am I calling JDR a "he" if he believes he's a she?
Good question. Without getting too much into my own views about
gender and all that, I do not think there is any sex/gender
beyond the physical. JDR has XY sex chromosomes, hence he is a
man, even if he, as Solomon so aptly put it, "had a doctor take
a weed whacker to his ding-a-ling." Normally I'll call people by
what they want to be called as long as it's not too obviously
ridiculous (a burly man with a full beard isn't getting my
acknowledgement as a lady just because he slips on a sundress),
but JDR is a terrible person and loathes men, so I'm calling him
a man simply to spite him. Petty? Before you make that decision,
let me tell you some more about him.
JDR once owned a
video game website called Happy Puppy (sort of a prototype
GameFAQs) which used to be worth over a million dollars. He sold
it for that much and thus acquired a fortune most of us can only
dream of. What did he do with it? He pissed it all away on anime
figurines, wall scrolls, and other retarded shit. Now he's
mooching off of his hippy-family claiming he can't do any work
because he's disabled. Even better, at one point JDR wanted to
make some sort of stupid RPG indie game and got one of his
"spouses" to program it and thus do all the work. Keep in mind
that that guy also has the only job amongst these four social
rejects and pays for everything JDR has or buys. When he
committed the unpardonable sin of not working fast enough on his
shitty game, JDR publicly posted a comic he drew where his
not-spouse apologized to for "shattering his dreams" and
"causing him so much pain".
JDR is also responsible
for creating the website Transsexual.org [I ain't even
linking that shit. - Alex], wherein he dispenses information
that is dodgy at best and dangerous at worst. The site has a
test that supposedly determines if you are a transsexual by
asking you such questions as "How easily do you cry at movies?",
"What do you think of your erection?" and "What would you do if
your cock burned off?" Unless you answer every single question
in the most stereotypical frat boy
crushing-beer-cans-against-the-forehead way possible, the test
will identify you as transsexual. This of course sounds
hilarious (and it is), but it also presents a very real danger
for the people who are honestly confused about their gender
identity and come to this site for serious advice without
knowing about its author and could potentially walk away with
all the wrong impressions (such as believing that talking to a
psychologist is optional). Even worse, in order to have gender
change surgery you need to take a test in order to determine
whether you are actually transsexual or just confused and JDR
simply GIVES PEOPLE THE ANSWER KEY. I wonder how many people
have made an irreversible, life-altering mistake thanks to this
piece of shit.
Lastly, it should surprise no one to learn that JDR has recently
joined what is arguably the worst fandom the internet has ever
produced: Bronies. As I mentioned previously, JDR writes
fanfictions under the name "Chatoyance" on
FIMFiction.net. He mostly writes stories about "The
Conversion Bureau", an infamous story about humans getting
turned into ponies. JDR added his own brand of singularity
transhumanism wank to it, threw in several metric fucktons of
hypocrisy, misanthropy, and genocide, then released the
resulting abominations to an adoring audience of self-diagnosed
Aspies who want to be ponies.
It's impossible to overstate how hateful these fanfics are.
Humanity is portrayed as irredeemably evil and having brought on
its own undoing through monumental foolishness. Equestria
constantly expands through a magical barrier on Earth and any
human that even touches it dies—hence we slowly die out. As it
turns out, this is all the doing of Princess Celestia (basically
pony God) and the aforementioned "conversion bureaus" turn
people into ponies so that they can survive. Anyone who doesn't
like it will be forced to in the end. Turning into a pony
prevents you from feeling any negative emotions at all,
re-writes your mind and makes you happy, oblivious, and obedient
to Celestia. A terrorist organization forcibly turns people into
ponies and they are not stopped by the government at all, see
themselves as heroes, and are portrayed as such. There is also a
Human Liberation Front comprised of people who don't want to be
shitty cartoon ponies and want Celestia to stop this fucking
genocide (after all, that is the intention of turning everyone
into ponies: wiping out humanity, its culture, and everything
that makes you human). They are portrayed as evil terrorists as
opposed to the good "freedom fighters" who forcibly convert
people, and everyone in the HLF is basically Satan McHitler.
I know I've basically said as much already, but it bears
repeating: THIS IS A STORY THAT IS OPENLY MISANTHROPIC AND
ADVOCATES GENOCIDE OF THE HUMAN RACE. BRONIES PRAISE AND LOVE
THIS STORY. THEY THINK JDR IS A LITERARY GENIUS.
JDR is a fucking waste of space, a pox on humanity, and he should
stop breathing our air. When he finally dies sad and alone it
will be the only good thing he ever did for the human race. His
only use is as a case study in how delusional, evil, and insane
a human being truly can be. I hope he dies very soon and that
the process is slow and painful. Fuck you, the end.
Alex's AFTER Thoughts
Before the above review was formatted for publishing, Max and I
had a conversation about a few selected excerpts from the text.
Specifically, I asked him about the tone of the closing and
whether or not it might be stepping over the line to call JDR
evil. To quote a portion of Max's response, "I stand by
everything that I said." You've got to admire that kind of
conviction. While I disagree that JDR deserves that slow,
painful death he recommended, I respect Max enough that you folks have the pleasure of reading his opinions in all their
angry, uncensored glory.
Here's the thing: Jennifer Diane Reitz is crazy. I've called a
lot of people crazy in the past, and they are—in a sort of "they
have a tendency to ignore reality when living inside their
self-aggrandizing fantasies is so much more fun" kind of way.
But JDR is crazy crazy, as in the kind of crazy where a
doctor has to fill out multiple prescription pads in order to
keep someone from eating their own fingers. JDR is the kind of
crazy where a person think the government is monitoring their
dreams through their digital alarm clock and the sound of a
doorbell is Insectazoid for "We're coming to lay eggs in that
sweet candy anus of yours!" JDR is the
Norman-Bates-strung-out-on-weapons-grade-hallucinogens kind of
crazy. JDR is crazy like a flock of Canada Geese trapped in a
burlap sack being carried by three blind midgets with their
ankles tied together. JDR is so crazy that if he ever gets
abducted by aliens, everyone will think their story is
bullshit. JDR is honest-to-L-Ron-Hubbard clinically insane and
quite possibly dangerous (if not to others then at least to
If the gender confusion, the androphobia, and the anime fever
dream webcomics haven't convinced you that ol' Jenny is
completely Looney Tunes, then I invite you to take a gander at
Impossible Things Before Breakfast. ITBB is a series of
illustrated stories (complete with full commentary) recounting
events that supposedly happened to JDR throughout his life. And
no, these aren't your typical "I swear to God I saw Tom Hanks
stealing napkins at Starbucks" variety of dubious personal
experiences that people convince themselves they lived through
in order to seem marginally more interesting; this is more along
the lines of JDR
resurrecting his dog after it was murdered by
discovering he has the power to control lightning, and
seeing a tiny alien circus troupe pass through a dimensional
portal during a math class. It's almost a shame JDR honestly
believes this shit really happened, because anyone who can make
that up deserves to win the Nobel Prize in Comedy.
So we've established beyond any reasonable doubt that JDR is
nuts. The next question is whether or not it's okay to condemn
him for his behavior given his decidedly unsound state of mind.
As much as I'd like to give myself the green light for mocking
lunatics everywhere, I personally don't have an answer for that.
Even according to my own incredibly skewed moral code, it's a
bit of a gray area. Hell, maybe I just love a challenge so much
that scoring hits on someone who believes
a spirit guide with a translucent vagina convinced him not to
commit suicide seems boringly easy.
Luckily, I can still fall back on my unwavering belief that it's
acceptable to tear apart the crazy things that crazy people
make. Because I don't care how far gone someone is, if they shit
in a shoebox and call it a birthday cake, I'm not going to eat
it just to spare their delicately-medicated feelings. Any way
you slice it, Pastel Defender Heliotrope is awful. Or, if that
appraisal seems lazy, then it's a labyrinthine museum of
convoluted New Age nonsense where every exhibit is made from a
different psychosis rattling around inside the mind of a madman;
an idiotic, garishly-colored cry for attention with no artistic
or cultural value whatsoever. Indecipherable symbols scribbled
in feces on the padded walls of a mental patient's cell have
more profound philosophical depth than anything in this
eyeball-searing mountain of gobbledygook.
As for his My Little Genocidal Pony Overlords fanfiction... Does
anyone else find it odd that JDR stanchly opposes religion for its "absolute truths" that demand a dogmatic belief
system, yet he makes the protagonists of his story members of a
society that forcibly converts outsiders and brainwashes them
into following the will of their all-powerful ruler? I can't
help but wonder how differently JDR would feel toward religion
and all its intolerant rules if Jesus or Muhammad or Vishnu had
been portrayed as collectable toy ponies with glittery eyes and
soft, brushable hair. Come to think of it, given how many people
have mistaken JDR's insanity for brilliance, I'm surprised he
hasn't attempted to start his own church yet. Give it time, I
'Till next time!