Part XIV: "Pastel Defender Heliotrope" 

(As seen at www.pasteldefender.com)

 

This comic is the most retarded thing ever.

I know, it sounds like I'm resorting to hyperbole for lack of a better way to attack another bland flavor-of-the-month webcomic. But it really is the truth. While PDH is far from the most repulsive work ever featured on Comic Release, nothing I have reviewed or seen up to this point comes even close to how batshit insane this one is. Since this comic has existed for over nine years, I'm also fairly confident that I won't ever find something more ludicrous than it—unless of course it comes from the author responsible for this little vacation from logic. Just look at the title. Does "Pastel Defender Heliotrope" sound like a webcomic that makes any sense whatsoever? Acid-abusing hippie stoners trying to come up with a name for their homemade grape-and-Doritos flavored ice cream could do better than that.

Since it's impossible to quickly summarize how utterly baffling this thing is, let's take a look at the... ahem... "story" it attempts to tell.


The Story
 

The beginning of this comic is remarkably similar to Dante's Inferno. I'm not talking about characters or writing or anything like that, but the first page of the comic is basically the same thing as the gate to Hell, because one look at it is enough to understand the unspoken message: "Though Me The Way To Eternal Pain; Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here." No, for once I am not indulging in exaggeration; when you look at the first page of this shit, you are literally looking at the gates of narrative hell. Any discerning reader will know right away that interesting characters or gripping plotlines will not be found in the tale that follows. Why am I saying this? Because the debut page of PDH is nothing but awful white-on-pink schematics of an UNDERAGE SEX DOLL. How I wish I was bullshitting you. And even worse? That thing is our main character. She is the "pastel defender" to which the title alludes. And to explain how that is supposed to work in the context of the narrative (if you can call it that), we'll have to actually start going through the story. Fuck everything.
 


Seriously, what the hell.


Okay, so chapter one (titled "Plastic Shame") begins with a mouthless, bespectacled weirdo who has a serious case of anime hair going to a sex shop (which is written in Japanese, just to make it perfectly clear that the author is a massive weeaboo) and buying the aforementioned creepy sex doll. One of the clerks starts going off about how it's completely surprising that such a famous guy as Dr. Aoi would shop there, providing us with the most subtle exposition since Neon Genesis Evangelion. I don't imagine that being the last Evangelion comparison I'll have to make before this review is over... Anyway, the clerk goes on to say, "Well I'll be Majumdered!" If you're anyone else on the planet but the author, you're probably wondering what the actual fuck that means. Well, it's basically a made-up curse word. The reason for the profanity being censored is something we'll delve into when we discuss the author, who goes by the moniker JDR. If you read all the way to the bottom of this page, the sight of those initials will conjure a kind of terror in your mind that travels far beyond the fear of death.

Moving on, Dr. Creepo goes home and a glance below the page provides us with yet another source of the infinite fun that springs from this webcomic: The footnotes. Don't expect JDR to actually explain what's going on, though. Explaining your setting/characters through footnotes outside of the narrative is shitty storytelling, but obviously he can't even rise to that level of incompetence since, as I mentioned, the footnotes are about as illuminating as a wet match in a mineshaft at midnight. Allow me to prove that this yet again is not hyperbole but an accurate description of observable reality. When Dr. Pedophile arrives home, he closes the door by pushing up some green jelly thingamajig in a hole in the wall. Here is what the footnote has to say:

"The actuator switch for the closet door is and [sic] example of processed Green Chatoyanite. When compressed, the Green Chatoyanite affects hidden Orange Chatoyanite wheel-machines in proximity, which begin motion (rotation) which closes or opens the closet door."

Well, that clears everything up! Sarcasm aside, though, the entire world operates on ludicrously complicated yet utterly nonsensical pseudo-science shit (often involving some jelly-like substance for no reason) that only makes sense in the author's own diseased mind. If this is the kind of bullshit psychologists have to deal with, I'm glad I didn't become one.

A good way to imagine what this shit is like without actually reading the comic yourself (a course of action I highly recommend) is to think of the technobabble in Star Trek. Remember that episode where Captain Picard was in a jam and only the brilliant genius of Wesley Crusher could save the day because he is one of the greatest canon Mary Sues ever? It would go something like "Captain, what if we reverse the thrusters on the warp-engine to overheat the plasma coils and penetrate their secondary sub-processor?" Take that, remove all traces of logic from it, replace all names and concepts that were taken from actual science with nonsense words from Willy Wonka's fever dreams, stretch it out over several paragraphs and MAKE IT THE BASIS OF THE ENTIRE NARRATIVE. That's what it's like.

Back to the actual story though, Dr. Diddler is in the fetal position and cries while invoking the name of "Godan" (who is apparently some sort of god in this world), and chastises himself for being an evil sinner. We then immediately cut so some sort of university where Dr. Toddlerfister is suddenly giving a lecture about the history of their entire civilization. This makes no sense narrative-wise, but obviously is there to shoehorn more exposition in there so the reader can better understand this nonsensical bullshit called a story. Oh yeah, and the exposition is delivered to us in gigantic walls of text that make the average Ctrl+Alt+Del strip look like an exercise in minimalism. What is he talking about? In summary, their ancestors left their original universe and came to the one they are in now, they brought some luggage with them, and that luggage has special powers. Then he babbles about "Chatoyance" (JDR uses this as a name on FIMFiction for some reason), eight substances which are the basis of all matter yet separate from matter and can be made into little objects for processing into all sorts of shit because JDR is an idiot.
 


Look at all those fucking words.


He proceeds to explain all of the Chatoyanites until we arrive at the eighth one, Heliotrope, which previously had no use but most be super important because it's in the title. Apparently it can be used to rip holes into space and explore other universes—or "hyperspace"—by being made into a fancy science-stick. In case you wonder what fancy and complicated science looks like to JDR, it's two colorful objects held by a needlessly intricate metal rod.

I am fucking amazed at the scientific insight here. I mean shit, what kind of imbecile would want to write a story about fantastic futuristic science when he has less knowledge about regular science than a fourth-grader? Oh right, JDR.

After the lecture, the daughter of the guy Dr. Nonce works with asks him out (apparently this is not the first time) but he flimsily excuses himself, then proceeds to bash his head against the wall for doing so. This guy is about as socially graceful as your average troper. Makes the pedophilia all the more appropriate, really.

We then cut to a pair of noseless animu girls, hear another made-up curse word, and learn that people are often named after colors in this idiotic world. Okay, now do me a favor. Look at how long this article has been to reach this point. Keep in mind that I have severely restrained myself and not mentioned some of the other major bullshit—let alone the minor stuff—then consider the fact that I am ONLY TEN PAGES INTO THE COMIC. This thing goes for 230 pages. Sure, this isn't nearly as much as some other long-running comics, but at least seemingly-unending dreck like Dominic Deegan is easy enough to coast through without utter insanity jumping out to smack you on every page. I am seriously tempted to just stop this review here, tell Alex I couldn't take it anymore, and move on to the art and author sections: something I didn't even consider when I was reviewing US Angel Corps. In no way, shape, or form am I saying that this comic is worse than USAC, mind you, but it might be more unreadable. I can force myself through vile and morally repulsive webcomic garbage no matter how extreme it is, but this thing is boring, inane, ridiculous, and utterly idiotic at the same time and every page just makes me want to throw my hands up in disgust and give up because my brain refuses to be insulted any further. Hand this comic to a lobotomized baboon with a learning disability and he'll think you're treating him like an idiot. But enough of this complaining. As much as it pains me, let's keep going.

One of the girls gets off the bus and goes home where some guy receives her at the door with two dildos in hand that look like H. R. Giger's attempt at creating colorful sex-toys after getting drunk. He then spouts something about paying her tuition and rapes her. End of scene. At this point I'm seriously debating whether I prefer to see pseudo-science jargon or retarded drama.

The next chapter kicks off with a family going to church to worship Godan. The footnotes tell us "Godanism" is the one and only religion that exists and is enforced by the state. Dissent is not allowed, you either worship Godan or shut the fuck up. The religion is basically Christianity with a sloppy paintjob. "Amen" is now "Men-Ra" and other stupid bullshit, but essentially it's just a transparent parody of Christian practices. By the way, did I mention that the author hates religion the way fundamentalists always think atheists hate religion—as in blind, irrational fury? Yeah. That becomes immediately apparent when the daughter of the family gets rejected by her lesbian lover because the latter got told by her parents that it's "just a phase" and also sinful and wrong. In other words, this is a super-advanced civilization and yet the church is still stuck in the 17th century mindset. How does this make sense? Simple: Having a more tolerant and less oppressive religion in the story would prevent JDR from using all his favorite Christian stereotypes in order to exact some sweet revenge for all the injustices he thinks he suffered at the hands of religious authority figures. This story may be about shitty pseudoscience and transhumanist singularity wankfantasies, but don't think JDR didn't leave room for a bunch of preaching about his pet issues.
 


It's as if a creationist's caricature of Richard Dawkins came to life

and hired a quadruple amputee to draw pictures for him.


The white-haired daughter then cries in her room while reading a shitty comic that is based on one of JDR's dreams. Why do I know this? Because he spends several paragraphs describing it in the footnotes. Fortunately, we change scenes again and see Dr. Pervert work with some colleague of his who has stupid hair. They go through a star gate... thing into another universe in robot-suits and have an existential crisis because their faith has the rather strange doctrine that all universes are suitable for human life, yet this one has no air. They retreat, label it as "not a universe but a dangerous anomaly" and his colleague tells him to shut his trap about it because they just found clear evidence that contradicts their faith so they are going to hide it from everyone and pretend it doesn't exist. Man, this comic is scientific as fuck. Then Dr. Child Predator goes home, fucks his sex-doll, then punches a mirror because this is dumb.

Back with the family, everyone is watching TV on a green jelly surface, which means all colors you get to see are green, green, and green. The program shows cops arriving at the house where the girl we saw earlier was raped because she hit the guy with a bottle. The cops resolve this matter by arresting her for having sex outside of marriage and letting the guy off with a warning. Did you know JDR also hates men? I know it's hard to tell because the writing is so incredibly subtle.

Back with Dr. Kiddiemolester, he and his buddy discover yet another universe unsuitable for human life. Suddenly the window of his mech suit starts breaking and he freaks out thinking he's going to die. His coworker actually lets him sit there for a while before rescuing him in the hopes that almost dying would make him more religious. Needless to say, he isn't very happy when he's told this. So far, the number of likeable or interesting characters remains at zero and I don't expect it to rise above that any time soon.

The girl that was raped soon gets thrown out of the university over "moral concerns", so she starts working at a supermarket... Until the guy who raped her goes to her boss and gets her fired, that is. And what a surprise, the exact same thing happened to JDR! Except the guy responsible for him getting canned was a "fundamentalist Christian" who did it because JDR is a... Actually, I'll save that for later.

Back with the "scientists", they explore another universe that turns out to be hostile. Of course we don't get to see what happens and are instead treated to another wall of text explaining what transpired alongside a little picture of Dr. Pedobear typing on a computer, because the "show don't tell" rule is for stupid assholes.

Hey, are you tired of Christian caricatures yet? JDR isn't! We see the family again where... well... this happens:

"Please stop hitting me, mother! I can't help being what I am!"

"No Daughter of mine is gay!" *pulls a knife* "I'll kill you!"

"I was just kidding!"

"Oh, okay. Dinner will be ready soon."

And wouldn't you know it, this scene is supposedly something that happened between JDR and his mother. If it really did happen that way, it would explain a lot. You'll see why later.

I finally have an opportunity to gloss over a few pages because less important things happen. The gist of it is that the colleague of the doctor is dead (or something), he took some sort of glowing orb with him from the other universe, and the church discovers in some ancestral luggage proving that Godan was (big surprise) just a scientist from long ago. Truly an amazing twist that no other science fiction author has ever though of before. Dr. Dipshit gets a gag order from the government, is basically disgraced and thus drinks a lot of alcohol to drown his sorrows. Oh yeah, and since JDR doesn't know how drunk people behave, he got his info from a reliable source: Conker's Bad Fur Day. While drunk, Dr. Lightweight sticks the magical doohickey into the sex doll and brings it to life, causing the doll to believe she's his daughter. Awkward! JDR mentions in the footnotes that the doll was intentionally designed to fall into the uncanny valley because he thinks that would make interacting with it more interesting. As he puts it: "...an animated plastic doll, such as Heliotrope, would be either terrifically fascinating or terribly disturbing to interact with. Unless, of course, one is not a normal person."

 


I wasn't joking when I said the hair was stupid.


Back with the white-haired lesbian, she is forced on a date with some politician's son who reveals his dad just wants to get rid of him through marriage because he has extreme political views. How extreme, you ask? He doesn't believe in Godan and thinks gays are people, too! Just like JDR— I mean the white-haired girl! He also loves the same comics as she does! No points for guessing that he is based on someone JDR once dated. The two of them go to some sort of reverse-gravity pit where you could fall in and die if you're not in the right position because that's how gravity works. Then panty shots. Then they accidentally discover the secret location of the ancestor luggage because everyone in the government is a fucking moron who can be easily outwitted by children. The footnotes tell us that the entire backstory is based on another webcomic by JDR, Unicorn Jelly. It then assures us we don't need to read it to understand this bullshit, which is a laugh and a half. [If you aren't already familiar with Unicorn Jelly, I suggest you make your education as painless as possible and learn more via this review. - Alex]

The Church of Godan claims that their civilization was destroyed because ancient people accepted gays and had women in power. (So subtle!) But as it turns out, the ancient people didn't worship Godan but some goddess who was based on some woman who saved everyone from some disease or whatever. The footnotes this time only contain an idiotic quote by a woman named Rebecca West claiming that she doesn't know what feminism is, but that people always called her a feminist when she "expressed sentiments different from a doormat or prostitute". This is fucking weapons-grade stupidity. Then JDR opines on time travel and string theory as if he knows what the fuck he's talking about. Then Dr. Asshole is in some sort of Groundhog Day causality loop. Even if it was logically feasible to keep track of what was happening by this point, I don't care anymore. I just want this to be over.

The girl who was raped earlier tries to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but calls Dr. Deviant for no reason before she does, so he reanimates his doll and sends her on a rescue mission. She can't find the girl, so she activates one of the unlimited superpowers she now has for some reason. After blowing all the clouds away so she can find the girl, Super Fuckdoll saves her while saving the audience from having to look at anything exciting or interesting. The government investigates the incident with gunships, which are based on a piece of toilet paper JDR once looked at while going potty. Seriously.

Then some nonsense with a puppet theater in the void happens and I think JDR was on some sort of drug(s) when he came up with this. Actually, no; I've seen people on drugs, and they are far more sane and intelligent than any of this crap. By this point, the footnotes have degenerated into song lyrics and quotes about how religion sucks. It's sad that this is a noticeable improvement over the explanations of the already insultingly obvious "symbolism" in the story. Speaking of, in case you haven't gotten the point yet, the Godan pope and some other priest are openly talking about the fact that they know their faith is actually a lie and just made up to control simple-minded people. The priest (named after the word theodicy, oh so clever) claims he actually does believe in Godan despite the fact that he knows that he is a lie—even though that makes no sense—and tries to justify his position by claiming that since we almost never verify what anyone tells us, things like science or basically anything is just the same as priests and holy books, therefore reality is completely arbitrary and he just "chooses the flavor [he] like[s]". I could point out how fucking stupid this is, but I don't want to insult your intelligence any more than JDR already has.

Then we are treated to construction workers shouting homophobic insults at the girl who was raped because it's time for JDR's webcomic hugbox again. He claims that this happened to him because he had to walk past a construction site to get to work and he imagined his "tormentors" being beaten, tortured, and murdered. The very next sentence reads: "I wonder how much grief and even violence in the world could be ended if only certain adults stopped acting like repulsive adolescents?" I'll give JDR the benefit of the doubt for once and assume he was simply too fucking stupid to notice the massive hypocrisy, which is especially egregious in light of some other facts you'll learn later.

Anyway, rape girl proceeds to buy a gun helmet to kill her boss, steals the necessary fuel from the construction workers, and kills one of them in a gruesome explosion. Remember, if someone insults you, feel free to kill them. It's not murder if you're a special snowflake. Again, we'll get into what JDR is later. Regardless, this entire sequence is basically a wish fulfillment fantasy where JDR doodles what he'd do if he had the balls (Hahahaha!) to actually act on his violent impulses, demonstrating that he is a psychotic lunatic who would slaughter everyone who looked at him funny if he wasn't such a massive pussy.
 


"Social justice" in a nutshell.


After killing the one guy, the avatar of JDR's repressed anger returns to the place where she worked and utterly destroys it, killing her boss and several other people in the process. Then she laughs about it and sings a happy song. THEN she proceeds to destroy a vital factory. Despite having done nothing worthwhile over the entire course of the story, Dr. Loser is called upon to help stop the homicidal bitch (who JDR's footnotes assure us is still the real victim in all this). Naturally, it's Super Fuckdoll to the rescue again. And because every damn part of this comic HAS to be about JDR and his issues, the footnotes go off on some pseudo-existentialist claptrap about how no one has the authority to question the self-definition of another and how labels are the result of "prejudice and ignorance" and so on and so on. What does any of this have to do with what's happening in the comic? Fucking NOTHING.

Back in the poorly-drawn pictures above JDR's rambling manifesto, the white-haired lesbian meets the creepy sex doll and instantly falls in love with her. Also, she has some sort of evil spirit that wants to possess the doll's body and looks like a hand puppet. The press conveniently is there and films the whole thing, calling her a "mechanical girl", just like in that song by Voltaire. Except utter shit and creepy as fuck. Speaking of...
 


Wait. Which character was the creepy doll again?


In a sequence drawn in shitty Western comic book style, the doll confronts rape girl and is immediately scared off by her weapon. Man, I was on the edge of my seat. Then the shitty hand puppet ghost plays a video game wherein she shoots the doll out of the sky (and that apparently happened in "reality" too) and then possesses the white-haired lesbian in order to go to the doll, even though this thing can apparently manifest anywhere so why would it need to "go" to the doll to take its body and holy shit I fucking hate this comic.

That hand puppet sock thing is called CURSOR and really wants that thing that animates the doll but then its heart spontaneously grows three sizes and it lets her live and fucks off. No really, that happens. JDR even quotes the Grinch in the footnotes.

Rape girl has gone properly bonkers by this time and is killing people at random. Why? What possible motivation could she have to do that? Fuck motivation, she's a villain, therefore evil, and evil people do evil things! Like killing her boss for no reason even though she just got the job—and through the kindness of the doctor, no less. The doll activates her bullshit powers and uses a Luminous Purity Column!™ to hit the rape girl point blank. What does it do? It wipes out her entire mind so that she doesn't even remember who she is and just babbles incoherently about wanting to be friends and other infantile shit. It also removes every scrap of her clothing because I guess even hardcore feminists aren't above throwing their readers a little free fanservice now and then.

Elsewhere, the priest is fucking the pope-guy because CHRISTIANS ARE EVIL BIGOTED HYPOCRITES. Then some weird jelly monster attacks who was the nanny of some government dude. Then more stupid shit with the sock puppet. I know it seems like I'm glossing over a lot here, but honestly, at this point there isn't much going on except incoherent word salad. Also, the white-haired lesbian had sex with the creepy doll. Several times. Then the doll fights... something and time explodes or whatever. Then more random shit happens and JDR thinks all that defines a person is "data"; in other words, the contents of your mind can, according to him, be manipulated just like computer data. Then words words words crazy random shit and more words and crazy random shit. Then the world ends and everyone is floating balls of light and up is down and left is right and everything I know is wrong and then the disembodied head of Colonel Sanders told me this is remarkably like End of Evangelion.

...

Anyway.

 

The Art

 

For some reason, I find myself having less and less to say in this section. It seems that, as far as the artwork is concerned, all webcomics I review force themselves to be as unspeakably boring in their badness as possible. Well, okay, that's not entirely accurate; there are a couple things to talk about with this one. First off: Noses! Holy shit, what is wrong with the faaaaaces in this comic? Either they have no noses at all, as if someone tried to emulate stereotypical anime and just figured "fuck it, the noses are so small I might as well not draw them," or they have gigantic noses that would look out of place in even the most exaggerated caricature. A prime example of this would be Dr. Pedo or whatever his name is. If you care what his name is, then you obviously weren't reading the comic because some guy who runs a website was threatening to break your thumbs.

Oh yeah, and we can't forget the fucking hair. Hairstyles in PDH are utterly insane and stupid. Most characters have multicolor wannabe-anime hair that looks completely unnatural, like a drawing of a discount cosplay wig. This is quite fitting with the doll, but for shit's sake, her hair should not look identical to the human characters' hair!

Then there are the shifts in the art. About halfway through, the comic adopts a more... I hesitate to use the word "realistic", but let's just say a very VERY slightly less horrible style. (Do expect to feel the bile rising regardless when a sex scene comes up, though.) Occasionally, however, it switches to some sort of old-fashioned comic book style that doesn't look any better and has no reason to be there at all, especially since the shift is quite sudden and jarring.

Character designs are appropriately awful for an amateur webmanga, but you already know that if you glanced at the images in this article. Accessories like glasses are held up by some weird frame that is supposed to look futuristic but only ends up looking really stupid. Everybody's outfits are gaudily colorful yet nothing stands out. A lot of people walk around in some sort of futuristic 17th century French military uniform-looking shit, and yet it is completely boring and devoid of details.

Faces are also terrible. Inconsistent noses aside, facial features are devoid of details and when a character tries to show any expression other than "bored", expect a horrifying grimace. And let's not even get into the horrible proportions and angles that cause the priest to have arms twice as long as his legs and make everyone look like the victims of some sort of horrible nuclear fallout.

The art is shit, is what I'm trying to say.


The Author


Ohohohoho... At last, we've arrived at the fun part. I'm sure you've noticed that I've called JDR a "he" during this entire review. Well, that is not entirely accurate, strictly speaking. JDR stands for Jennifer Diane Reitz, you see. He adopted that name after having a sex-change operation. Now you know why JDR hates men so much: He is projecting his own self-loathing onto the sex to which he used to belong.

Why am I calling JDR a "he" if he believes he's a she? Good question. Without getting too much into my own views about gender and all that, I do not think there is any sex/gender beyond the physical. JDR has XY sex chromosomes, hence he is a man, even if he, as Solomon so aptly put it, "had a doctor take a weed whacker to his ding-a-ling." Normally I'll call people by what they want to be called as long as it's not too obviously ridiculous (a burly man with a full beard isn't getting my acknowledgement as a lady just because he slips on a sundress), but JDR is a terrible person and loathes men, so I'm calling him a man simply to spite him. Petty? Before you make that decision, let me tell you some more about him.

 

JDR once owned a video game website called Happy Puppy (sort of a prototype GameFAQs) which used to be worth over a million dollars. He sold it for that much and thus acquired a fortune most of us can only dream of. What did he do with it? He pissed it all away on anime figurines, wall scrolls, and other retarded shit. Now he's mooching off of his hippy-family claiming he can't do any work because he's disabled. Even better, at one point JDR wanted to make some sort of stupid RPG indie game and got one of his "spouses" to program it and thus do all the work. Keep in mind that that guy also has the only job amongst these four social rejects and pays for everything JDR has or buys. When he committed the unpardonable sin of not working fast enough on his shitty game, JDR publicly posted a comic he drew where his not-spouse apologized to for "shattering his dreams" and "causing him so much pain".

 

JDR is also responsible for creating the website Transsexual.org [I ain't even linking that shit. - Alex], wherein he dispenses information that is dodgy at best and dangerous at worst. The site has a test that supposedly determines if you are a transsexual by asking you such questions as "How easily do you cry at movies?", "What do you think of your erection?" and "What would you do if your cock burned off?" Unless you answer every single question in the most stereotypical frat boy crushing-beer-cans-against-the-forehead way possible, the test will identify you as transsexual. This of course sounds hilarious (and it is), but it also presents a very real danger for the people who are honestly confused about their gender identity and come to this site for serious advice without knowing about its author and could potentially walk away with all the wrong impressions (such as believing that talking to a psychologist is optional). Even worse, in order to have gender change surgery you need to take a test in order to determine whether you are actually transsexual or just confused and JDR simply GIVES PEOPLE THE ANSWER KEY. I wonder how many people have made an irreversible, life-altering mistake thanks to this piece of shit.

Lastly, it should surprise no one to learn that JDR has recently joined what is arguably the worst fandom the internet has ever produced: Bronies. As I mentioned previously, JDR writes fanfictions under the name "Chatoyance" on FIMFiction.net. He mostly writes stories about "The Conversion Bureau", an infamous story about humans getting turned into ponies. JDR added his own brand of singularity transhumanism wank to it, threw in several metric fucktons of hypocrisy, misanthropy, and genocide, then released the resulting abominations to an adoring audience of self-diagnosed Aspies who want to be ponies.

It's impossible to overstate how hateful these fanfics are. Humanity is portrayed as irredeemably evil and having brought on its own undoing through monumental foolishness. Equestria constantly expands through a magical barrier on Earth and any human that even touches it dies—hence we slowly die out. As it turns out, this is all the doing of Princess Celestia (basically pony God) and the aforementioned "conversion bureaus" turn people into ponies so that they can survive. Anyone who doesn't like it will be forced to in the end. Turning into a pony prevents you from feeling any negative emotions at all, re-writes your mind and makes you happy, oblivious, and obedient to Celestia. A terrorist organization forcibly turns people into ponies and they are not stopped by the government at all, see themselves as heroes, and are portrayed as such. There is also a Human Liberation Front comprised of people who don't want to be shitty cartoon ponies and want Celestia to stop this fucking genocide (after all, that is the intention of turning everyone into ponies: wiping out humanity, its culture, and everything that makes you human). They are portrayed as evil terrorists as opposed to the good "freedom fighters" who forcibly convert people, and everyone in the HLF is basically Satan McHitler.

I know I've basically said as much already, but it bears repeating: THIS IS A STORY THAT IS OPENLY MISANTHROPIC AND ADVOCATES GENOCIDE OF THE HUMAN RACE. BRONIES PRAISE AND LOVE THIS STORY. THEY THINK JDR IS A LITERARY GENIUS.


In Conclusion...


JDR is a fucking waste of space, a pox on humanity, and he should stop breathing our air. When he finally dies sad and alone it will be the only good thing he ever did for the human race. His only use is as a case study in how delusional, evil, and insane a human being truly can be. I hope he dies very soon and that the process is slow and painful. Fuck you, the end.

- Max-Vader

 

 

Alex's AFTER Thoughts

 

Before the above review was formatted for publishing, Max and I had a conversation about a few selected excerpts from the text. Specifically, I asked him about the tone of the closing and whether or not it might be stepping over the line to call JDR evil. To quote a portion of Max's response, "I stand by everything that I said." You've got to admire that kind of conviction. While I disagree that JDR deserves that slow, painful death he recommended, I respect Max enough that you folks have the pleasure of reading his opinions in all their angry, uncensored glory.

Here's the thing: Jennifer Diane Reitz is crazy. I've called a lot of people crazy in the past, and they are—in a sort of "they have a tendency to ignore reality when living inside their self-aggrandizing fantasies is so much more fun" kind of way. But JDR is crazy crazy, as in the kind of crazy where a doctor has to fill out multiple prescription pads in order to keep someone from eating their own fingers. JDR is the kind of crazy where a person think the government is monitoring their dreams through their digital alarm clock and the sound of a doorbell is Insectazoid for "We're coming to lay eggs in that sweet candy anus of yours!" JDR is the Norman-Bates-strung-out-on-weapons-grade-hallucinogens kind of crazy. JDR is crazy like a flock of Canada Geese trapped in a burlap sack being carried by three blind midgets with their ankles tied together. JDR is so crazy that if he ever gets abducted by aliens, everyone will think their story is bullshit. JDR is honest-to-L-Ron-Hubbard clinically insane and quite possibly dangerous (if not to others then at least to himself).

If the gender confusion, the androphobia, and the anime fever dream webcomics haven't convinced you that ol' Jenny is completely Looney Tunes, then I invite you to take a gander at Impossible Things Before Breakfast. ITBB is a series of illustrated stories (complete with full commentary) recounting events that supposedly happened to JDR throughout his life. And no, these aren't your typical "I swear to God I saw Tom Hanks stealing napkins at Starbucks" variety of dubious personal experiences that people convince themselves they lived through in order to seem marginally more interesting; this is more along the lines of JDR resurrecting his dog after it was murdered by ghosts, discovering he has the power to control lightning, and seeing a tiny alien circus troupe pass through a dimensional portal during a math class. It's almost a shame JDR honestly believes this shit really happened, because anyone who can make that up deserves to win the Nobel Prize in Comedy.

So we've established beyond any reasonable doubt that JDR is nuts. The next question is whether or not it's okay to condemn him for his behavior given his decidedly unsound state of mind. As much as I'd like to give myself the green light for mocking lunatics everywhere, I personally don't have an answer for that. Even according to my own incredibly skewed moral code, it's a bit of a gray area. Hell, maybe I just love a challenge so much that scoring hits on someone who believes a spirit guide with a translucent vagina convinced him not to commit suicide seems boringly easy.

Luckily, I can still fall back on my unwavering belief that it's acceptable to tear apart the crazy things that crazy people make. Because I don't care how far gone someone is, if they shit in a shoebox and call it a birthday cake, I'm not going to eat it just to spare their delicately-medicated feelings. Any way you slice it, Pastel Defender Heliotrope is awful. Or, if that appraisal seems lazy, then it's a labyrinthine museum of convoluted New Age nonsense where every exhibit is made from a different psychosis rattling around inside the mind of a madman; an idiotic, garishly-colored cry for attention with no artistic or cultural value whatsoever. Indecipherable symbols scribbled in feces on the padded walls of a mental patient's cell have more profound philosophical depth than anything in this eyeball-searing mountain of gobbledygook.

As for his My Little Genocidal Pony Overlords fanfiction... Does anyone else find it odd that JDR stanchly opposes religion for its "absolute truths" that demand a dogmatic belief system, yet he makes the protagonists of his story members of a society that forcibly converts outsiders and brainwashes them into following the will of their all-powerful ruler? I can't help but wonder how differently JDR would feel toward religion and all its intolerant rules if Jesus or Muhammad or Vishnu had been portrayed as collectable toy ponies with glittery eyes and soft, brushable hair. Come to think of it, given how many people have mistaken JDR's insanity for brilliance, I'm surprised he hasn't attempted to start his own church yet. Give it time, I guess.

 

'Till next time!

MANGA!