Part XIII: "Spinnerette" 

(As seen at www.spinnyverse.com)

 

Last time on Comic Release, we took a long, joyless, scarring look at what amounted to the worst webcomic ever. In an effort to help cleanse everyone's memories of those horrors, I think it would be appropriate if our next subject was something we could share a laugh at—of course, it'll have to be angry, derisive laughter. Enter Spinnerette, the stupidest superhero "parody" comic ever conceived. This shit is what would happen if Adam Warren got a concussion and decided to make a more weeaboo-y version of Empowered after a night of binge drinking and watching harem anime back-to-back with lesbian porn.

Between the mess of a story and the metric tons of pathetically blatant fanservice, I can't begin to prepare you folks for how balls-to-the-wall DUMB this entire thing is. Here's hoping you won't hold that against me, because I'm itching to jump right into this one.


The Story
 

As one might predict, the beginning is basically Spider-Man for otakus, except even dumber. Our main character, Heather, works for some scientist and fucks up one of his generic science-ray machines, which explodes and infuses her with spider DNA. This gives her six arms, abs that would make every douchebag on Jersey Shore envious, and the complete loss of all higher brain functions. (On a side note, you're gonna hear the phrase "girl abs" a lot. Get used to it.)
 


The author has an inexplicable fetish for women who could beat the shit out of him.


After the shock of her mutation wears off five seconds after it happens, Heather immediately goes home to her Indian roommate who has even bigger tits and the good sense to recommend Heather go to a hospital. She disregards this advice and instead decides she wants to be a superhero.

I'm gonna address this right now so that I don't have to later: You can't write complete absurdity and then hide behind the excuse that you're doing a "parody". No human being on the planet would act like this. It would be one thing if this was supposed to be complete wackiness, sort of like an unfunny superhero-themed version of Excel Saga, but the later chapters have drama out the ass alongside the ridiculous crap and thus create yet another webcomic with almost schizophrenic tonal shifts. Claiming that you're making a "parody" does not give you carte blanche to write ridiculous bullshit without ever having to explain it.

Heather gets her way by begging and explaining that this has always been her only dream because she is a shy nerd and has nothing without it. We're barely a few pages in and it's already clear where this comic's main appeal comes from: The main character is the shy, nerdy, bisexual, superhero dream-girlfriend for the readers. This will become much more apparent later (alongside an amazing little moment of blatant hypocrisy), but let's talk about something else now: The fact that in this fictional world, DC AND MARVEL STILL EXIST. Yes, you read that right. It's like in Dominic Deegan, where there are comic books about wizards in a world where wizards exist. Do I even have to explain how nonsensical that is? Also, apparently REAL superheroes can be sued for being too similar to the comic book heroes—and don't ask me how you sue somebody with a secret identity. Oh, and I forgot one of Heather's "amazing" powers: She can shoot webs like Spider-Man. Except they come out of her ass. Why? So that the author has an excuse to shove her butt into as many close-ups as possible.

So Heather's friend sews her a costume (out of three Venom costumes, of all things) and she immediately goes off to fight crime. What she actually ends up doing is getting smacked around by common thieves and crashing into lampposts, because adorable awkwardness makes her so much more MOE~. I know I'm jumping around on subjects a lot, but the story is so paper-thin that you can't get lost even if I omit some things. After all, every page has some completely new ways to make me facepalm even harder. For example, her friend Sahira brags about having a superpower of her own—and if you couldn't guess that said superpower is her double D-cup breasts, then obviously you lack the imagination of a horny nine-year-old.

Next we get introduced to the other superheroes: A black guy in a tiger costume who gets pissed if you call him BLACK Tiger, and a girl in a loli-maid-machine-suit called Mecha-Maid (I swear to God). I feel dumber just for having typed that. Oh yeah, and the evil spider supervillain who also calls herself Spinnerette and has big tits (16 and G-cup? Uh-huh!). Now here's the thing: Her goal is to transform herself into a Drider (half-human, half-spider abominations from D&D). How? Get this: The original edition of Dungeons and Dragons had REAL magic in it! Yes, in this world, Jack Chick was RIGHT! D&D has evil magic that allows blood-sacrifice to a dark god in it... Fuck everything. You couldn't have defiled the memory of Gary Gygax more if you took a shit on his grave.

During their amazingly tedious battle, Spider-bitch traps Spinnerette using a pentagram... somehow... and pokes her in the butt for blood in order to turn into the aforementioned Drider. In retaliation, Spinnerette jumps on her back while yelling "Reverse cowgirl for the win!" You know, maybe I have misjudged this comic. I assumed this would be purely laughable. Instead, I'm two "issues" in and I already want to punch the nearest wall. I'm going to continue on regardless, though. As it turns out, superheroes have to show up in court to convict the villains. And you know what happens? They let the Drider-girl go because she "doesn't pose a danger"! Even better, her parents hug her afterwards and are apparently totally cool with her being a sin against nature! The retarded court system is justified with a comparison claiming that the Joker also gets free time and time again, but he breaks out of prison instead of just being let go as "harmless" PLUS he's supposed to be a fictional character in this world! I hate having to repeat myself, but you can't get away with shit like this or the parents' reaction by calling your work a "parody"! This isn't a parody, this is asinine!

And speaking of asinine, let's meet the most retarded superhero in all of fiction:
 


Somebody drew this. There was a person who thought this would be a good idea. I'm stunned.


Super MILF! Just in case you thought Linkara's Lightbringer wasn't idiotic enough! GAHHHH! And just when I think I'm about to pop a blood vessel, it actually gets worse. You see, Spinnerette meets up with Mecha Maid (UGH) in their civilian clothes. Guess what she reveals? It's the suit that gives her super-human strength; without it, she's bound to a wheelchair and barely able to speak. Why? BECAUSE SHE HAS LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE, THAT'S WHY! She has only two or three years to live! What the fuck?! You put a real disease that actual people suffer from in your dumbass "comedic parody" comic just so you can milk completely jarring and cheap drama out of it?! FUCK YOU!

Oh yeah, and Mecha Maid is totally gay for Spinnerette. How do we find this out? Well, Spinnerette's friend proves it with the irrefutable logic that she drinks a certain brand of water, so she's obviously gay. No shit. Apparently portraying stereotypes as 100% accurate is what counts as hilarious in the author's mind.
 


LOL FAGGOTS AMIRITE?!


Hey, speaking of stereotypes, let's meet the to the main reoccurring villains of this comic: Dr. Universe (an evil scientist so clichéd in both design and behavior that he makes Dr. Insano look like Relius Clover) and Greta Gravity. Here are the only three things that define her: She has huge tits, she can project her own gravity field (which is played for laughs since she's mildly overweight) and she's German.

Painfully German. PAINFULLY, STEREOTYPICALLY GERMAN. She's blonde, speaks in a phony accent, and wears a Trachtenhut and LEDERHOSEN for shit's sake! Why don't you have her drink beer and eat pretzels while you're at it! I have seen more accurate portrayals of my nationality in Der Fuehrer's Face. Is this what some asshat thinks constitutes "parody" or "comedy" or whatever? Just cramming as many racial stereotypes into one design as you can? Because this is at best borderline offensive. For the benefit of those in my audience who aren't German and don't know anything about Germany, this shit is the equivalent of having a black character in your comic who is a gangster, shoots people with guns, is constantly rapping, and eats fried chicken and watermelon whenever he's in frame.
 


FUCK YOU.


As the rickety and ever-changing plot rolls along, Spinnerette and pals find themselves searching for some werewolf. Tiger proposes they get help from Benjamin Franklin (yes, THAT Benjamin Franklin) and is racist against Canadians. This comic is about as tolerant of other cultures as the KKK. Speaking of Canada, we get to meet some Canadian superheroes now! One is Green Gables, a dude who's a transvestite. The next is a werewolf—not the cool unstoppable monster kind, but the kind where the word "yiff" comes to mind. Oh, and the last one is a catgirl with nine tails called Katt O' Nine Tails (HURR) who is wannabe-French. Frenchaboo? Quebecaboo? Whatever.

As it turns out, the werewolf they're all looking for is female. That's because she actually has tits. Like, big human ones. We've about reached the point where I'm convinced the author is a closet furry. Then, the plot thickens (yeah right) and we find out that the female werewolf has three heads on a human body with fur, only panties and a bra and boobs as big as Danny DeVito's torso. Yeah. Totally not furry, guys.

A predictably lame fight with the two villains ensues, Mecha Maid fires a rocked with "I'm dah justice!!!" written on it and I feel the overwhelming urge to shoot myself. Oh, and Dr. Universe became a villain because he read an Ayn Rand novel. You know, I just had an epiphany. This comic has Seth McFarlane Syndrome. It thinks just because it's a "comedy"/"parody", it can replace all logic, coherency, characterization and character development with LOLSORANDUMB jokes and get a free ticket. Sorry asshole, it doesn't work like that. You can't just replace good writing with your German minstrel show and expect us to swallow this turd.

For both your sake and mine, I'm going to breeze through what follows a bit. There is a second fight with the villains, the female werewolf is actually a cerberus (I don't remember Cerberus having siblings or looking like the wet dream of furries, but whatever) and now they have to fight some sort of giant evil soul. They easily defeat it with some magic circle. Then, more gayness.
 


Not pictured: Humor or dignity.


And on that retarded note, the issue concludes. The next one begins with an absolutely baffling display of hypocrisy on the author's part, but we'll talk about that later. And speaking of hypocritical, Spinnerette hates anime and manga because it all looks the same to her and is shit like Naruto and Pokémon. This is supposed to be a "joke" because the webcomic itself is a cheap manga knockoff, but I prefer to call it meta-hypocrisy. Or simply "this comic fucking sucks."

Moving on, Spinnerette hits it off with Evil Spinnerette and they seem to become friends. She says she wants to turn back to normal and Spinnerette enthusiastically agrees. As anyone with half a brain could predict, she's actually lying to her and thus Spinnerette unknowingly helped her turn her two minions into Driders too. One of those was a dude, by the way. He got tits through the transformation. If you think this is disgusting, then we think alike—except maybe for that part where I fantasize about beating the author with a crowbar, I suppose. Also, Spinnerette would like to remind you again that "manga sucks". Fuck the crowbar, I need a chainsaw.

So, Evil Spinnerette defeats her, revives her from almost drowning by Frenching her and then gives a pretentious pseudo-explanation why she doesn't just kill her before leaving. Have we played up the lesbian angle enough yet, guys? Because there's lesbians in this comic. Just thought you should know.

Then Benjamin Franklin gets hit by lightning, travels forward in time, saves Hitler from getting killed, travels forward some more to 2002 and reenacts the bar scene from Terminator 2. LOL RANDUMB. He's also the president of the American Superhero Association and they subsist entirely on merchandizing. Jesus Christ, Spaceballs did that as a joke.

After this, the plot pulls more drama out of its ass and has Mecha Maid almost dies and then makes a tearful confession that she's in love with Spinnerette. Geez, didn't see that one coming. Then we're treated to a picture of Spinnerette as a pony. The author being a Brony explains so much, actually...

Also, Spinnerette can molest herself. Bet you didn't know that. So after all that painfully awkward clichéd bullshit, she finally decides to react to Mecha Maid's love confession. By molesting HER. Then they bitch at each other. Then she pukes. The they finally decide to go on a date. And then I finally said "to hell with this". In the next issue, there's simply some bullshit about some confederate whackjob and Nazis that want to clone Hitler. JOY. Now just add some sauerkraut and you have a lovely racism omelet. Also, Greta is German-Brazilian—in other words she was born there, not in Germany. Which makes both her fake accent and her outfit even more insulting. It doesn't even make sense in-story. Why would you walk around as a racist caricature of a part of your heritage? That's like... well, that's like what Chris-Chan does.

Anyway, I've had all I can stomach this suck-fest. Now onto...


The Art


This is another one of those cases where there is at least some level of artistic ability on display, but it still isn't really that good by any professional standards. For one, the style in which the comic is drawn is pretty inconsistent. This is partially due to the fact that multiple artists have lent their "talents" to the comic; to date, various issues of Spinnerette have been drawn by Walter Gomez, Fernando Furukawa, and Rocio Zucchi. Gomez has drawn the most pages by far, and has the most generic animu style of the lot. The other artists don't stray too far from the manga knockoff formula, but still manage their own distinct flavors of artistic abhorrence. Zucchi absolutely loves perspective shots and stubbornly refuses to let her lack of knowledge how to draw them get in the way of her passion; Furukawa draws all his characters with the body of a Rob Liefeld sketch and the face of a rotting jack-o'-lantern.

One weirdly consistent feature of every artist to work on the comic is a shared inability to draw breasts that don't look weird. Whenever there's any sort of focus on a female's chest, they look like soggy marshmallows that have been forcefully inflated by a bicycle pump. This is a major problem in a comic where titties are the focal point of almost every panel featuring a female character. Something else nobody on Team Spinnerette can seem to get right is hands and/or limbs in general. Greta Gravity especially often looks like her arms are shriveled and malformed into some grotesque mockery of a baby's, as if she had a serious birth defect (which might explain her breasts, actually).

Of course, this wouldn't be a webmanga without SUUPA-WACKY DEFORMED character gags showing up all over the damn place. All the artists spam the sugoi kawaii anime faces and chibi mode bullshit so much that I have to assume that crap is written right into the script, which is just plain sad. The only times the SD bits get shelved for more than a couple panels is when it's DRAMA TIME and everyone turns on the waterworks. Point is, it pisses me off.


The Author


The creator of this debacle calls himself KrazyKrow. There are a number of words I'd use to describe this guy, but "crazy" is not on the list. Since you've already read about how his comic is a nonsensical, offensive, unfunny, drama-whoring cheesecake fest, he's already done almost all my work for me. After all, his own creation says worse things about him than I ever could, so he already has taken a few gallons of gasoline and poured them all over himself, so to speak. But since I'm more than happy to finish the job and drop a lit match in the puddle, let's take a look at that moment of massive hypocrisy I alluded to before.

At one point in the story, Heather is in a comic book shop in her civilian disguise and notices that two guys read a comic about her superhero alter-ego. She's understandably happy about this and asks them what they like about Spinnerette. This is their response:



You know, technically, the dude on the right is absolutely correct.


Your eyes do not deceive you, dear reader. This is KrazyKunt mocking horny perverts, EVEN THOUGH HIS ENTIRE COMIC PANDERS TO HORNY PERVERTS. This is the guy who draws ginormous tits, asses, furries, and (his personal fetish) "girl abs" in basically every panel, and he has the balls to portray his own audience as drooling sub-humans? Sure, one look at the comments on any given page will show that they ARE, but given the fact that he's at least every bit as perverted as them means he's not just throwing stones from inside his glass house, he's shooting Gatling guns.

Besides the fact that it's just plain douchebaggy to ridicule the people who support your work, it's also a bad business move in this case. Besides existing as a webcomic, Spinnerette is collected in physical books that contain bonus content (including entire exclusive chapters) not available online so the suckers who eat this shit up will give ol' KKK their money. As if that wasn't enough, people also give this son of a bitch donations in exchange for such tantalizing rewards as borderline pornographic desktop wallpapers and character bust charts. Oh, how I wish I was making that up.


In Conclusion...


KrazyKow really should just drop the pretense altogether and make Spinnerette into full-fledged porn. He's already pushed the thing halfway there anyway, and at least then he'd be peddling masturbation material for nerds honestly. Plus, since it wouldn't include all the jarring drama anymore, I think the story would actually be an improvement over the current one.

So there you have it, folks. Spinnerette: It's like a trashy porn comic, but not as good.

- Max-Vader

 

 

Alex's AFTER Thoughts

 

Nope. I'm not doing this.

I've forced myself to read through some truly horrendous webcomics for the sake of contributing an informed opinion to these articles, but I only needed to look at the first dozen pages of Spinnerette to know the journey wasn't worth it this time. Reading United States Angels Corps has left me a broken man and crippled my ability to tolerate idiots with a How to Draw Manga book attempting to give me a stroke. Subjecting myself to that torture was bad enough, but this shit is adding insult to injury. If reading USAC was an experience akin to watching someone get violently raped and murdered while being rendered powerless to help, then Spinnerette is an overweight nerd in an Ikki Tousen shirt who runs up to you afterward and throws a pie in your face while making some dumb Japanese word pun. You can't even get properly enraged; you just wipe the custard out of your eyes and shoot back a cold, empty stare that tells them there's nothing else left inside the swirling void of despair you once called a soul.

Okay, I just looked at a handful of the newest pages to see if this comic gets any better at all. Super MILF apparently has an alien reactor inside her boobs(!?), the lesbian robot maid has what the dorks on TV Tropes would call A-Cup Angst, and our titular heroine is making a different exaggerated anime face in EVERY. SINGLE. PANEL. I want to dissolve a bottle of sleeping pills in a punch bowl filled with vodka and drink it through a funnel.

As for the people who enjoy reading this comic on a regular basis... I don't know what to tell you. Stop liking terrible things, I guess? I mean, there's really no excuse for supporting something this slapdash when you have so many alternatives available. Tons upon tons of vastly superior superhero comics and shonen manga series are out there just waiting to be read, and a good chunk of them can be found on the internet for free. And if you're so intimidated by real women that you need to get your jollies from the cartoon T&A plastered all over every page in Spinnerette, then type "hentai" into the search engine of your choice and go crazy. Pretty much anything is better than supporting this sophomoric garbage. Our generation will never advance beyond the cultural stagnation of the internet age until we stop rewarding people for catering to the lowest common denominator with this mind-numbing dreck that can barely even succeed as the most basic form of entertainment.

Super MILF... Jesus Christ. Fuck you for wasting my time with this moronic bullshit, KrazyKrow. Go eat a bag of hell and jump in front of a train.

 

'Till next time!

MANGA!