Part XIII: "Spinnerette"
(As seen at
Last time on Comic Release, we took a long, joyless, scarring
look at what amounted to the worst webcomic ever. In an effort
to help cleanse everyone's memories of those horrors, I think it
would be appropriate if our next subject was something we could
share a laugh at—of course, it'll have to be angry, derisive
laughter. Enter Spinnerette, the stupidest superhero "parody"
comic ever conceived. This shit is what would happen if Adam
Warren got a concussion and decided to make a more weeaboo-y
version of Empowered after a night of binge drinking and
watching harem anime back-to-back with lesbian porn.
Between the mess of a story and the metric tons of pathetically
blatant fanservice, I can't begin to prepare you folks for how
balls-to-the-wall DUMB this entire thing is. Here's hoping you
won't hold that against me, because I'm itching to jump right
into this one.
As one might predict, the beginning is basically Spider-Man for otakus,
except even dumber. Our main character, Heather, works for some
scientist and fucks up one of his generic science-ray machines,
which explodes and infuses her with spider DNA. This gives her
six arms, abs that would make every douchebag on Jersey Shore
envious, and the complete loss of all higher brain functions.
(On a side note, you're gonna hear the phrase "girl abs" a lot.
Get used to it.)
The author has
an inexplicable fetish for women who could beat the shit out of
After the shock of her mutation wears off five seconds after it
happens, Heather immediately goes home to her Indian roommate
who has even bigger tits and the good sense to recommend Heather
go to a hospital. She disregards this advice and instead decides
she wants to be a superhero.
I'm gonna address this right now so that I don't have to later:
You can't write complete absurdity and then hide behind the
excuse that you're doing a "parody". No human being on the
planet would act like this. It would be one thing if this was
supposed to be complete wackiness, sort of like an unfunny
superhero-themed version of Excel Saga, but the later chapters
have drama out the ass alongside the ridiculous crap and thus
create yet another webcomic with almost schizophrenic tonal
shifts. Claiming that you're making a "parody" does not give you
carte blanche to write ridiculous bullshit without ever having
to explain it.
Heather gets her way by begging and explaining that this has
always been her only dream because she is a shy nerd and has
nothing without it. We're barely a few pages in and it's already
clear where this comic's main appeal comes from: The main
character is the shy, nerdy, bisexual, superhero
dream-girlfriend for the readers. This will become much more
apparent later (alongside an amazing little moment of blatant
hypocrisy), but let's talk about something else now: The fact
that in this fictional world, DC AND MARVEL STILL EXIST. Yes,
you read that right. It's like in Dominic Deegan, where there
are comic books about wizards in a world where wizards exist. Do
I even have to explain how nonsensical that is? Also, apparently
REAL superheroes can be sued for being too similar to the comic
book heroes—and don't ask me how you sue somebody with a secret
identity. Oh, and I forgot one of Heather's "amazing" powers:
She can shoot webs like Spider-Man. Except they come out of her
ass. Why? So that the author has an excuse to shove her butt
into as many close-ups as possible.
So Heather's friend sews her a costume (out of three Venom
costumes, of all things) and she immediately goes off to fight
crime. What she actually ends up doing is getting smacked around
by common thieves and crashing into lampposts, because adorable
awkwardness makes her so much more MOE~. I know I'm jumping
around on subjects a lot, but the story is so paper-thin that
you can't get lost even if I omit some things. After all, every
page has some completely new ways to make me facepalm even
harder. For example, her friend Sahira brags about having a
superpower of her own—and if you couldn't guess that said
superpower is her double D-cup breasts, then obviously you lack
the imagination of a horny nine-year-old.
Next we get introduced to the other superheroes: A black guy in
a tiger costume who gets pissed if you call him BLACK Tiger, and
a girl in a loli-maid-machine-suit called Mecha-Maid (I swear to
God). I feel dumber just for having typed that. Oh yeah, and the
evil spider supervillain who also calls herself Spinnerette and
has big tits (16 and G-cup? Uh-huh!). Now here's the thing: Her
goal is to transform herself into a Drider (half-human,
half-spider abominations from D&D). How? Get this: The original
edition of Dungeons and Dragons had REAL magic in it! Yes, in
this world, Jack Chick was RIGHT! D&D has evil magic that allows
blood-sacrifice to a dark god in it... Fuck everything. You
couldn't have defiled the memory of Gary Gygax more if you took
a shit on his grave.
During their amazingly tedious battle, Spider-bitch traps
Spinnerette using a pentagram... somehow... and pokes her in the
butt for blood in order to turn into the aforementioned Drider.
In retaliation, Spinnerette jumps on her back while yelling
"Reverse cowgirl for the win!" You know, maybe I have misjudged
this comic. I assumed this would be purely laughable. Instead,
I'm two "issues" in and I already want to punch the nearest
wall. I'm going to continue on regardless, though. As it turns
out, superheroes have to show up in court to convict the
villains. And you know what happens? They let the Drider-girl go
because she "doesn't pose a danger"! Even better, her parents
hug her afterwards and are apparently totally cool with her
being a sin against nature! The retarded court system is
justified with a comparison claiming that the Joker also gets
free time and time again, but he breaks out of prison instead of
just being let go as "harmless" PLUS he's supposed to be a
fictional character in this world! I hate having to repeat
myself, but you can't get away with shit like this or the
parents' reaction by calling your work a "parody"! This isn't a
parody, this is asinine!
And speaking of asinine, let's meet the most retarded superhero
in all of fiction:
this. There was a person who thought this would be a good idea.
Super MILF! Just in case you thought Linkara's Lightbringer
wasn't idiotic enough! GAHHHH! And just when I think I'm about
to pop a blood vessel, it actually gets worse. You see,
Spinnerette meets up with Mecha Maid (UGH) in their civilian
clothes. Guess what she reveals? It's the suit that gives her
super-human strength; without it, she's bound to a wheelchair
and barely able to speak. Why? BECAUSE SHE HAS LOU GEHRIG'S
DISEASE, THAT'S WHY! She has only two or three years to live!
What the fuck?! You put a real disease that actual people suffer
from in your dumbass "comedic parody" comic just so you can milk
completely jarring and cheap drama out of it?! FUCK YOU!
Oh yeah, and Mecha Maid is totally gay for Spinnerette. How do
we find this out? Well, Spinnerette's friend proves it with the
irrefutable logic that she drinks a certain brand of water, so
she's obviously gay. No shit. Apparently portraying stereotypes
as 100% accurate is what counts as hilarious in the author's
Hey, speaking of stereotypes, let's meet the to the main
reoccurring villains of this comic: Dr. Universe (an evil
scientist so clichéd in both design and behavior that he makes
Dr. Insano look like Relius Clover) and Greta Gravity. Here are
the only three things that define her: She has huge tits, she
can project her own gravity field (which is played for laughs
since she's mildly overweight) and she's German.
Painfully German. PAINFULLY, STEREOTYPICALLY GERMAN. She's
blonde, speaks in a phony accent, and wears a Trachtenhut and
LEDERHOSEN for shit's sake! Why don't you have her drink beer
and eat pretzels while you're at it! I have seen more accurate
portrayals of my nationality in Der Fuehrer's Face. Is this what
some asshat thinks constitutes "parody" or "comedy" or whatever?
Just cramming as many racial stereotypes into one design as you
can? Because this is at best borderline offensive. For the
benefit of those in my audience who aren't German and don't know
anything about Germany, this shit is the equivalent of having a
black character in your comic who is a gangster, shoots people
with guns, is constantly rapping, and eats fried chicken and
watermelon whenever he's in frame.
As the rickety and ever-changing plot rolls along, Spinnerette
and pals find themselves searching for some werewolf. Tiger
proposes they get help from Benjamin Franklin (yes, THAT
Benjamin Franklin) and is racist against Canadians. This comic
is about as tolerant of other cultures as the KKK. Speaking of
Canada, we get to meet some Canadian superheroes now! One is
Green Gables, a dude who's a transvestite. The next is a
werewolf—not the cool unstoppable monster kind, but the kind
where the word "yiff" comes to mind. Oh, and the last one is a
catgirl with nine tails called Katt O' Nine Tails (HURR) who is
wannabe-French. Frenchaboo? Quebecaboo? Whatever.
As it turns out, the werewolf they're all looking for is female.
That's because she actually has tits. Like, big human ones.
We've about reached the point where I'm convinced the author is
a closet furry. Then, the plot thickens (yeah right) and we find
out that the female werewolf has three heads on a human body
with fur, only panties and a bra and boobs as big as Danny
DeVito's torso. Yeah. Totally not furry, guys.
A predictably lame fight with the two villains ensues, Mecha
Maid fires a rocked with "I'm dah justice!!!" written on it and
I feel the overwhelming urge to shoot myself. Oh, and Dr.
Universe became a villain because he read an Ayn Rand novel. You
know, I just had an epiphany. This comic has Seth McFarlane
Syndrome. It thinks just because it's a "comedy"/"parody", it
can replace all logic, coherency, characterization and character
development with LOLSORANDUMB jokes and get a free ticket. Sorry
asshole, it doesn't work like that. You can't just replace good
writing with your German minstrel show and expect us to swallow
For both your sake and mine, I'm going to breeze through what
follows a bit. There is a second fight with the villains, the
female werewolf is actually a cerberus (I don't remember
Cerberus having siblings or looking like the wet dream of
furries, but whatever) and now they have to fight some sort of
giant evil soul. They easily defeat it with some magic circle.
Then, more gayness.
Humor or dignity.
And on that retarded note, the issue concludes. The next one
begins with an absolutely baffling display of hypocrisy on the
author's part, but we'll talk about that later. And speaking of
hypocritical, Spinnerette hates anime and manga because it all
looks the same to her and is shit like Naruto and Pokémon. This
is supposed to be a "joke" because the webcomic itself is a
cheap manga knockoff, but I prefer to call it meta-hypocrisy. Or
simply "this comic fucking sucks."
Moving on, Spinnerette hits it off with Evil Spinnerette and
they seem to become friends. She says she wants to turn back to
normal and Spinnerette enthusiastically agrees. As anyone with
half a brain could predict, she's actually lying to her and thus
Spinnerette unknowingly helped her turn her two minions into
Driders too. One of those was a dude, by the way. He got tits
through the transformation. If you think this is disgusting,
then we think alike—except maybe for that part where I fantasize
about beating the author with a crowbar, I suppose. Also,
Spinnerette would like to remind you again that "manga sucks".
Fuck the crowbar, I need a chainsaw.
So, Evil Spinnerette defeats her, revives her from almost
drowning by Frenching her and then gives a pretentious
pseudo-explanation why she doesn't just kill her before leaving.
Have we played up the lesbian angle enough yet, guys? Because
there's lesbians in this comic. Just thought you should know.
Then Benjamin Franklin gets hit by lightning, travels forward in
time, saves Hitler from getting killed, travels forward some
more to 2002 and reenacts the bar scene from Terminator 2. LOL
RANDUMB. He's also the president of the American Superhero
Association and they subsist entirely on merchandizing. Jesus
Christ, Spaceballs did that as a joke.
After this, the plot pulls more drama out of its ass and has
Mecha Maid almost dies and then makes a tearful confession that
she's in love with Spinnerette. Geez, didn't see that one
coming. Then we're treated to a picture of Spinnerette as a
pony. The author being a Brony explains so much, actually...
Also, Spinnerette can molest herself. Bet you didn't know that.
So after all that painfully awkward clichéd bullshit, she
finally decides to react to Mecha Maid's love confession. By
molesting HER. Then they bitch at each other. Then she pukes.
The they finally decide to go on a date. And then I finally said
"to hell with this". In the next issue, there's simply some
bullshit about some confederate whackjob and Nazis that want to
clone Hitler. JOY. Now just add some sauerkraut and you have a
lovely racism omelet. Also, Greta is German-Brazilian—in other
words she was born there, not in Germany. Which makes both her
fake accent and her outfit even more insulting. It doesn't even
make sense in-story. Why would you walk around as a racist
caricature of a part of your heritage? That's like... well,
that's like what Chris-Chan does.
Anyway, I've had all I can stomach this suck-fest. Now onto...
This is another one of those cases where there is at least some
level of artistic ability on display, but it still isn't really
that good by any professional standards. For one, the style in
which the comic is drawn is pretty inconsistent. This is
partially due to the fact that multiple artists have lent their
"talents" to the comic; to date, various issues of Spinnerette
have been drawn by Walter Gomez, Fernando Furukawa, and Rocio
Zucchi. Gomez has drawn the most pages by far, and has the most
generic animu style of the lot. The other artists don't stray
too far from the manga knockoff formula, but still manage their
own distinct flavors of artistic abhorrence. Zucchi absolutely
loves perspective shots and stubbornly refuses to let her lack
of knowledge how to draw them get in the way of her passion;
Furukawa draws all his characters with the body of a Rob Liefeld
sketch and the face of a rotting jack-o'-lantern.
One weirdly consistent feature of every artist to work on the
comic is a shared inability to draw breasts that don't look
weird. Whenever there's any sort of focus on a female's chest,
they look like soggy marshmallows that have been forcefully
inflated by a bicycle pump. This is a major problem in a
comic where titties are the focal point of almost every panel
featuring a female character. Something else nobody on Team
Spinnerette can seem to get right is hands and/or limbs in
general. Greta Gravity especially often looks like her arms are
shriveled and malformed into some grotesque mockery of a baby's,
as if she had a serious birth defect (which might explain her
Of course, this wouldn't be a webmanga without SUUPA-WACKY
DEFORMED character gags showing up all over the damn place. All
the artists spam the sugoi kawaii anime faces and chibi
mode bullshit so much that I have to assume that crap is written
right into the script, which is just plain sad. The only times
the SD bits get shelved for more than a couple panels is when
it's DRAMA TIME and everyone turns on the waterworks. Point is,
it pisses me off.
The creator of this debacle calls himself KrazyKrow. There are a number of words I'd
use to describe this guy, but "crazy" is not on the list. Since
you've already read about how his comic is a nonsensical,
offensive, unfunny, drama-whoring cheesecake fest, he's already
done almost all my work for me. After all, his own creation says
worse things about him than I ever could, so he already has
taken a few gallons of gasoline and poured them all over
himself, so to speak. But since I'm more than happy to finish
the job and drop a lit match in the puddle, let's take a look at
that moment of massive hypocrisy I alluded to before.
At one point in the story, Heather is in a comic book shop in
her civilian disguise and notices that two guys read a comic
about her superhero alter-ego. She's understandably happy about
this and asks them what they like about Spinnerette. This is
You know, technically, the dude on the right is absolutely
Your eyes do not deceive you, dear reader. This is KrazyKunt
mocking horny perverts, EVEN THOUGH HIS ENTIRE COMIC PANDERS TO
HORNY PERVERTS. This is the guy who draws ginormous tits, asses,
furries, and (his personal fetish) "girl abs" in basically every
panel, and he has the balls to portray his own audience as
drooling sub-humans? Sure, one look at the comments on any given
page will show that they ARE, but given the fact that he's at
least every bit as perverted as them means he's not just
throwing stones from inside his glass house, he's shooting
Besides the fact that it's just plain douchebaggy to ridicule
the people who support your work, it's also a bad business move
in this case. Besides existing as a webcomic, Spinnerette is
collected in physical books that contain bonus content
(including entire exclusive chapters) not available online so
the suckers who eat this shit up will give ol' KK
K their money.
As if that wasn't enough, people also give this son of a bitch
donations in exchange for such tantalizing rewards as borderline
pornographic desktop wallpapers and character bust charts. Oh,
how I wish I was making that up.
KrazyKow really should just drop the pretense altogether and
make Spinnerette into full-fledged porn. He's already pushed the
thing halfway there anyway, and at least then he'd be peddling
masturbation material for nerds honestly. Plus, since it
wouldn't include all the jarring drama anymore, I think the
story would actually be an improvement over the current
So there you have it, folks. Spinnerette: It's like a trashy
porn comic, but not as good.
Alex's AFTER Thoughts
Nope. I'm not doing this.
I've forced myself to read through some truly horrendous
webcomics for the sake of contributing an informed opinion to
these articles, but I only needed to look at the first dozen
pages of Spinnerette to know the journey wasn't worth it this
time. Reading United States Angels Corps has left me a broken
man and crippled my ability to tolerate idiots with a How to
Draw Manga book attempting to give me a stroke. Subjecting
myself to that torture was bad enough, but this shit is adding
insult to injury. If reading USAC was an experience akin to
watching someone get violently raped and murdered while being
rendered powerless to help, then Spinnerette is an overweight
nerd in an Ikki Tousen shirt who runs up to you afterward and
throws a pie in your face while making some dumb Japanese word
pun. You can't even get properly enraged; you just wipe the
custard out of your eyes and shoot back a cold, empty stare that
tells them there's nothing else left inside the swirling void of
despair you once called a soul.
Okay, I just looked at a handful of the newest pages to see if
this comic gets any better at all. Super MILF apparently has an
alien reactor inside her boobs(!?), the lesbian robot maid has
what the dorks on TV Tropes would call A-Cup Angst, and our
titular heroine is making a different exaggerated anime face in
EVERY. SINGLE. PANEL. I want to dissolve a bottle of sleeping
pills in a punch bowl filled with vodka and drink it through a
As for the people who enjoy reading this comic on a regular
basis... I don't know what to tell you. Stop liking terrible
things, I guess? I mean, there's really no excuse for supporting
something this slapdash when you have so many alternatives
available. Tons upon tons of vastly superior superhero comics
and shonen manga series are out there just waiting to be read,
and a good chunk of them can be found on the internet for free. And if
you're so intimidated by real women that you need to get your
jollies from the cartoon T&A plastered all over every page in Spinnerette, then type "hentai" into the search engine of your
choice and go crazy. Pretty much anything is better than
supporting this sophomoric garbage. Our generation will never
advance beyond the cultural stagnation of the internet age until
we stop rewarding people for catering to the lowest common
denominator with this mind-numbing dreck that can barely even
succeed as the most basic form of entertainment.
Super MILF... Jesus Christ. Fuck you for wasting my time with
this moronic bullshit, KrazyKrow. Go eat a bag of hell and jump
in front of a train.
'Till next time!