Part XII: "United States Angels Corps" 

(As seen at www.angels-corps.com)

 

Before I start this review, I have a few things to say. In several ways, this is not going to be your average Comic Release article. First and foremost, the review is not going to be particularly funny. This is because US Angels Corps is such a vile piece of trash that I could not possibly extract any humor from its disgusting and sickening content. And even if I could, by some miracle, siphon some laughs out of this rancid pool of filth, it wouldn't deserve it.

Next, as our regular readers have probably already figured out, both Cody and myself like to exaggerate our annoyance and disgust somewhat when it comes to certain webcomics for comedic effect. I won't do this here. The very existence of this... THING truly sickens me to my very core. Not to mention the fact that knowing people actually enjoy and pay for the privilege of reading this comic legitimately enrages me. There is no need to exaggerate my anger when it's already at its peak.

Lastly, I will do something I haven't done since I started writing for Comic Release: I will tell you that this review is absolutely Not Safe For Work. Or humanity at large, honestly. Given some of the other stuff I've reviewed for this site and the fact that I read the writings of the Marquis de Sade for entertainment, this should send chills down your spine. If you are of a sensitive disposition and cannot handle reading about the vile and inhumane mess that is about to follow, please turn back now and read something that will not rob you of both your innocence and whatever faith you may have in humanity. I am not joking here. Last warning.

Anybody brave, jaded, or foolish enough to read on... abandon all hope.


The Story
 

Ahahahaha, what story?! Well, technically there both is and isn't one. There is because the website has one written on the "about" page, and there isn't because none of it matters in the least bit when it comes to the actual comics. The setup is so completely irrelevant to the comics themselves that you might as well have been reading the back of a cereal box. But let's say we didn't know any of that and are curious as to what this webcomic we just stumbled upon is about. The website tells us that the US Angel Corps was created during the Second World War to train female agents so do undercover operations. Yes, female agents exclusively. The reasons for this will become very apparent later. Basically, the program was a failure, got reinstated during the Cold War, and now the United States government has basically created an all-girls school for orphans to get new recruits for the program. It's like X-Men, except without all the powers, homosexual undertones, and whining. Instead it has... other content.

So now you know the backstory, but you still don't have idea one of what this comic is actually about. The first thing one would normally do is take a look at the characters, so let's do that. This leads us to the comic's very own wiki site, of all things. And after examining some character profiles, we see that all the Angels look like this:
 

Now that's a character I could get behind. ...Or in front of.

 

Doesn't look that bad, to be honest. Some girls running around in their skivvies playing Solid Snake? I've heard of worse reasons to make a webcomic than a T&A-fest with action scenes. Sort of like the webcomic version of a Michael Bay movie, except replace the occasional instances of boring plot development shit with even more titties. Not the most intellectually stimulating concept in the world, but I'm the last person to complain about entertainment, even if it is about as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool.

Hey, let's check out the front page of the USAC wiki while we're here. I can see three outgoing links at the foot of the page. One that leads back to the webcomic, one that leads to the forums, and one that leads to... Oh.

Now you see why I have been dancing around the issue of what this comic is really about. Because the third link leads us straight to Gurochan. (For the love of life, DO NOT LOOK AT IT!) For those of you not in the know, guro is basically erotic artwork. But not just any erotic artwork — it encompasses depictions of human bodies getting twisted, cut, cooked, burned and otherwise horrifically mutilated. Think of some of the crueler forms of torture that were used during the Inquisition and now imagine the priest dropping his robes and jerking off to the screaming victims. That's basically what guro artwork is. That should also very neatly explain what kind of mental disorder you need to have in order to enjoy this on any level, let alone an erotic one.

Yes, US Angels Corps is nothing but a series of loosely-connected comic short stories featuring pretty girls getting killed, raped, crippled, mutilated, defiled and so on and so forth. That's quite literally all there is to this webcomic. I know; I read all of it. In fact, there are only two (very short) comics where nobody gets killed. The rest is just slaughter after slaughter in increasingly horrible ways. One girl gets thrown in corrosive acid and we get to see the flesh melt slowly from her bones; another one gets drained of all fluids in her body, turning her into a mummy while she's still alive; another girl gets shot to death with nail guns; another has her neck snapped before getting raped... Those are literally just a small percentage of the deaths shown in this comic. If you can imagine a particularly gruesome way to murder someone, one of the characters in USAC has almost assuredly met her end in that fashion, most likely before, after, or while some enemy agents forcefully shove their dicks inside of her.
 

I've taken the liberty of censoring most of the objectionable content in one of the death scenes

so normal people can get a vague idea of what serial killers find arousing.

 

The horror does not end there. We also have a very special invention of this sadistic, misogynist fuck of an author. In the comic titled "Dismembered Fuck Doll", which is somehow even LESS arousing than it sounds, he introduces a fictional chemical that gets used occasionally in several of the mini-comics. What it does is transform human flesh into a rubber-like substance. A couple of the Angels have their heads and limbs cut off before their heads and torsos are treated with this rubberizing chemical. The result is the fulfillment of all your wishes — provided you're the kind of person who's wished for a RealDoll but missed that undercurrent of necrophilia. Naturally, they immediately get put to use. The entire thing is written like an advertisement for a sales company and at one point even explains proper handling of the "product" so that you can "enjoy" it longer — just to express even more contempt for any sort of human decency.

There is also this baffling trend in the comic where every single female character who dies immediately looses control of her bodily functions and urinates all over the place. I suppose the author also likes a little watersports to go with his corpse fucking. A pissing fetish almost seems insignificant when you've drawn teenage girls getting raped via gaping head wounds, but it is what it is.

Before I move on from this cesspool of evil, I will take a look at the first "proper" episode of this adorable little comic, namely a self-contained story called "Chemical Plant". No, it doesn't have anything to do with tentacle rape via plants, although that would be better than what we get to witness, believe it or not. The actual plot is about two characters named Princess and Bikini (for fuck's sake...) infiltrating a chemical plant that belongs to the villains, the so-called Vanguard. I will keep this very brief, both for my sake and to prevent whatever is left of my audience from killing themselves. Simply put, Princess infiltrates the place, gets caught, raped, shot, then put on a spike and showered with flesh-eating chemicals, leaving only a skeleton with hair and its swimsuit (?!) behind. Bikini gets sent to retrieve her, ends up in a fistfight with a black guy who is apparently an ex-Marine, and gets her neck snapped. The ex-Marine then proceeds to make sweet, sweet love to her corpse (that just pissed itself) and eventually tosses her into a vat of the same flesh-eating chemical after he's done with her. Someone masturbates on the skeletons in what must have been the most morbid circlejerk ever, then they take photographs of the aftermath and send the pictures to the Angels HQ. Just to give you a very faint idea of what I went through when I read ALL OF THE COMICS, here is the main picture they took of what was left of the Angels:
 

I... I need to be alone.

 

Enough. I can't stand to think about this anymore. Let's move on to the art.


The Art


Hah. I would almost laugh at the cruel irony if I was capable of laughing at all right now... Of all the comics that have been reviewed by both Cody and myself for this feature, I'd go so far as to say that USAC has the best artwork out of all of them. It's almost like someone wanted to make this as horrible as possible and realized that the better the art is, the worse the comic is, since all this talent is being wasted on making the graphic dismemberments all the more disgusting to behold. Still, even though this is the "best" comic from a purely academic standpoint, I think calling this section "The Art" is kind of a misnomer. If this is art, then Peter Sutcliffe is a plastic surgeon.

Now, for all the nice things I was obligated to say about these vile drawings, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't point out the flaws in them. Leaving their actual content aside for a moment — as hard as that may be — we can focus on the most obvious thing: None of the girls have any distinct differences to them. Sure, they may have different hairstyles, wear a tacky accessory or just have bigger boobs, but it's the exact same body type on display throughout. And that's not even getting into the fact that their outfits are very lazily designed and look beyond ridiculous. They're just wearing swimsuits and bikinis, for fuck's sake! As clichéd as the villains may be, at least they have a smidgen of actual variety in their appearances.

Decent but severely lacking in creativity. I suppose that sums up the artwork in USAC rather nicely. Again, though, that's putting aside the content depicted in said artwork. Which is incredibly difficult to do thanks to the focus of the next part of this review...


The Author


His real name is Dave Cheung and he lives in the UK. I'm writing this because I have a very faint hope that someone over there knows where he lives and contacts the police so that'll have a file all ready to go when this future prostitute murderer finally makes his move. Or maybe they can just lock him away for being TOO FUCKING CREEPY. I'm not kidding here, either. As John Solomon would say, "This man deeply offends me by his very existence." I don't care if he pets kittens and saves orphans from burning buildings in his spare time, he is a fucked-up piece of human garbage and the sooner we are rid of this waste of oxygen, the better.

Believe it or not, this madman is actually responsible for two more webcomic abominations that befoul the internet. The first is a long-running shitpile called Chugworth Academy, which was his (miserably failed) attempt at writing a humor comic. It's the least offensive of the three, which is a little like saying Osama bin Laden wasn't as bad as Hitler. The other comic Cheung crapped out is called Boss Noodle, which might just have one of the stupidest titles for any comic ever. It's about a skanky schoolgirl in a miniskirt who wields two katanas and fights against rapists and shit. Both of the aforementioned comics seem to have been discontinued, so we should all count our blessings.

Dave Cheung is an unimaginative hack, but that isn't what makes me despise him the way I do. To understand that, you have to delve deeper into the origins of US Angels Corps. The comic was conceived by Cheung, but he got a lot of encouragement and suggestions from one site — the same site where he first presented the idea.

Gurochan.

That does explain a lot, doesn't it? But there's more. For one thing, at the time I write this, his forum has almost 2,700 registered members. In ballpark numbers, this means his obscure fetish website has approximately seven times the number of members that Project AFTER does. [And people wonder why I drink. - Alex] Now, normally this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Lowest common denominator and all that. However, Cheung makes money from this site. He takes donations. Yes, this man makes a living from drawing detailed pictures of young women being butchered and raped.
 

Dave's attitude toward women in a nutshell.

 

It gets even better: Cheung also does commissions! But hey, if you commission something about the Angels being murdered instead of random characters, you'll get a 20% discount because he can use it in the comic! What a steal! So, how much for, let's say a color drawing of an Angels character with no background? $78. Want TWO characters? $124. How about a single comic page? $163. Unless it doesn't involve the Angels and he can't use it on his site, then that'll be $195, please! At least nobody is actually paying for this shit, right? Wrong. Right now, at the top of the commission page is a notice in bright red text stating "My Commission Queue is currently VERY long." Meaning that anybody who wants Cheung to draw some poor girl being slaughtered for them will have to wait awhile due to the high demand.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention another fun fact. Back before US Angels Corps existed, this waste of sperm created his guro porn under an alias: Scribblekid. It's still out there, but I would STRONGLY advise anyone reading this not to look it up. Most of it is not merely guro porn, but lolicon-rape guro porn. This is the kind of stuff that would eventually form the inspiration for US Angels Corps. So now you understand why I loathe this man with every fiber of my soul. He makes me wish I knew for certain that Hell was real, just so I could drift off to sleep at night knowing he was unquestionably bound for eternal torment. Dave Cheung is actually a worse human being than Bleedman, and the sooner he disappears from this planet, the better.


In Conclusion...


Last time I wrote something in this section, I simply gave you a fuming tirade that was partially inspired by Roger Ebert. But like I said in the intro, I'm not joking around this time. So what follows is the honest, unabashed truth.

This is the worst webcomic I have ever seen in my life, bar none. Possibly the worst webcomic to exist on the internet. Every little bit of it down to its very existence is wrong. It's an offensive piece of garbage and nobody should derive any enjoyment from it, let alone donate money to its disgusting creator. I have never said this before about any webcomic creator or his audience, and I will probably never say it again, but this time I think it's warranted: I hope Dave Cheung and all his fans die in some sort of horrific manner similar to the victims in US Angels Corps, just so they can get a taste of the suffering they gorge themselves on. I don't care that the content in the comic is fictional. Anyone who gets their jollies from seeing glorified, eroticized rape and mutilation is evil.

My friends, you have now seen the deepest pits of foulness that the accursed realm of online comics has to offer. If there is any consolation to be had, it is that whatever the subjects of future Comic Release articles may be, they will be comparatively less horrible than this unforgivable sin against art and humanity.

- Max-Vader

 

 

Alex's AFTER Thoughts

 

I've always harbored conflicting feelings toward the feminist movement. On the one hand, I wholeheartedly support women fighting for equal rights, and even as a guy, I do find it genuinely inspiring to see such a sizable percentage of the population come together to empower one another. On the other hand, there's that whole other dimension of feminism perpetuated by several thousand angry lesbian bloggers who apparently believe that anything with testicles is a dangerous threat to society that should be caged and only released when the all-powerful Matriarchal Kingdom requires beasts of burden to lift heavy boxes and give lessons on how to play golf. Maybe I'm a little biased, but I'd like to think that not all men are the slobbering, beer-bellied, mindless Neanderthals that hardcore extremists like Gloria Steinem seem to think they are.

Why am I sharing my views on feminism in a follow-up column to a review of US Angels Corps? Because this fucking comic is quite possibly the most ideal example you could ever find to illustrate why I can never bring myself to write off the words of irate feminists as empty ranting. No matter how many times someone's bitter ex-wife picks up a megaphone and wrathfully declares that the entirety of the male species is violent and sex-crazed, I can't say a damn thing to argue with them thanks to the actions of shitheads like Dave Cheung. Reading through his wretched excuse for a comic, the phrase that kept popping into my head over and over was, "Damn, men really ARE pigs."

I don't agree with the notion that all pornography is inherently sexist, but nobody in their right mind could look at USAC and not see an illustrated depiction of some misogynistic wife-beater's wet dream. I mean goddamn, this shit is just hateful. Cheung doesn't even stop at having his female characters violently dismembered; he makes every effort to see to it that the women are utterly humiliated and quite literally reduced to pieces of meat in the process. The way he structures his "stories" (I use that term charitably) suggests that Cheung expects his readers to feel that the Angels deserve their grisly fates on some level. Because for all their highly advanced covert ops and close combat training, these girls are astoundingly incompetent when it comes to being secret agents. They're all about as stealthy as a herd of angry water buffalo, and the sight of an erect penis is all it takes to distract them from their mission to defeat the enemies of America.

One of the more bafflingly stupid story arcs in this thing involves one of the Angels trying to retrieve leaked CIA files from a Vanguard strike unit. After she infiltrates their safe house—armed with a handgun, I should mention—she runs into a naked enemy officer carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a wet towel. Guess which one of these two characters manages to subdue the other without any assistance. If you said the girl with the firearm and the element of surprise on her side, then you obviously underestimate how potently Dave Cheung hates women. Spoilers: The clumsy Angel ends up sucking the guy's dick, retrieves the wrong USB drive after he lets her take it, and is later pumped full of what looks to be roughly 70,000 clips of ammo in her apartment after spending several panels standing in front of mirror lamenting how fat and ugly she looks (despite having a body that most real-life supermodels would kill for—prior to it being messily shot apart, I mean).

The most disturbing thing about this shameless gorefest is knowing that this comic is made for the sole purpose of helping guys get their rocks off. There aren't enough Jackie Chan macros on the internet to adequately convey just how full of fuck my brain is when I think about that. The first time I saw one of the pages in USAC where some girl gets torn apart by strings of piano wire mid-coitus, my penis dove for a Swiss Army knife in my pocket and tried to commit seppuku. I managed to wrestle the blade away, but the only way I'll be getting an erection within the next calendar year is with the help of a popsicle stick and a roll of medical tape.

Max wasn't exaggerating in the slightest when he said that US Angels Corps is quite possibly the worst webcomic on the internet. Nor was he overstating anything when he said the comic's chauvinistic fuckwit of an author is worse than Bleedman. David Cheung is such a thoroughly despicable person that he actually makes me ashamed of my own gender. Shame on you, Cheung. On behalf of all decent men everywhere, I hope the next woman you encounter knows who you are and takes the initiative to kick you right in your freakishly tiny balls.

 

'Till next time!

MANGA!