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Episode 01: "Secrets of the Heart" - Part 1
(A 'DragonBall Z' fanfiction by Mz D)

Welcome to the first full-length episode of Project AFTER, fellow internet-goers! In case you missed the description on the main page, or the introductory editorial, or any of the other four billion or so places where I explained what Project AFTER was, let me take a moment to enlighten you. Simply put, Project AFTER is my gift to the world. While it is still hotly debated whether or not anime fanfiction is actually as evil as it is portrayed here, most people will agree that is a growing menace that is slowly but surely infecting every corner of the online anime community. I'm here to help control the spread of this nuisance, and perhaps gain a few laughs in the process. Here at Project AFTER, we're not just about getting the job done, but also about having fun doing it.

In the following episodes, you'll see a grand collection of the most ghastly fanfiction ever to crawl out of the loathsome, pixilated hell pit known as the internet. Such a gathering of bad fanfiction will either prove to be a prime example of why this menace must be stopped, or it will fuse together to create the most unspeakably evil entity ever to curse the mortal realm! Whatever happens, it should be interesting.

To kick off this parade of fanfiction terror, I've selected a DragonBall Z fanfic entitled "Secrets of the Heart". Let me assure you that after reading it, you'll wish the secrets of the heart had stayed secret. Its author goes by the alias 'Mz D', which I can only assume is one of those "wicked" and/or "sick" rapper-wannabe names I've heard about. Well it's not fooling me. Not for a second! No self-respecting rapper would forgo writing about banging their girlfriend and scoring drugs to instead compose a whimsical tale about two young girls discovering true love. Especially when they find it in each other! Oops, that might have been a spoiler... Ah, fuck it.

I'd advise anyone with a low tolerance for such touchy-feely crap to stop right here, as the following story contains more emotional outbursts and mushy dialogue than an episode of Little House on the Prairie. As for everyone else, let's get this party started!

Oh, and please note that the original story (which has been left in all its crappy, unedited glory) is in red text, while my comments remain in white.



Secrets of the Heart

by Mz D

Yo, yo, yo, Mz D! Word out to tha D-man an' alla his homies in da hood, yo.

Authors Note: This is a love story. So there is no lemons just some
lime action. It is only a romance! However I might be encouraged to
do a sequel with plenty of lemons for all you Hentai's out there. ^_^

Aarrgh. I hate it when people randomly insert Japanese words they don't even understand the meaning of into their English fanfics... Oh well, let's hope this is a one-time occurrence and I'll never again encounter an anime-based fanfiction written by someone who uses Japanese terms incorrectly.

Just review and demand!

Yep, no doubt people are going to be flooding your inbox with e-mails demanding that you write a DBZ lemon, because we all know how rare those are.


Bra was sunbathing beside the pool. It was a lovely day and she
seriously wanted to get a tan on her fair skin.

Good luck, kid. You could put most anime characters on the surface of the sun for six months and they'd still be whiter than the Pillsbury Doughboy.

She was fed up of the comparisons between her and her mother.
As if! She was like old! True she had still kept her youthful
appearance but in Bra's own opinion SHE was the prettiest.

Check it out folks, this is what we call "character development". In this section here, the author is establishing to the audience that Bra is a narcissistic bitch.

Her rays were blocked by a shadow. She looked up to she her old friend

"Oh Hiya long time no see." Said Bra cheerfully. "Been on any wild
adventures lately?"

Pan giggled and floated down beside her. "A few but nothing really exciting."

Pan: There was the whole 'DragonBall GT' thing, but that wasn't anything worth going into detail about...

Pan looked about and focused on the gravity chamber. "How's Trunks

been?" Asked Pan trying to sound casual.

Bra took off her shades and looked at her friend. She had a suspicion
but she wasn't going to say.

Bra: *thinking* Did Pan put on weight? God, it looks she had to eat her way out of a fortress made of pound cake.

"Same old Trunks. He's at university just now getting a Phd. Like a
Masters degree wasn't enough."

Psssh, the alternate timeline Trunks didn't need any prissy bullshit college degrees.

Bra tried to contain her rivalry with her brother. She only had an
Honours degree but she was working on the Masters. They had a
bit of small contest when it came to who's the smartest. Bra was
determined to win.

When it comes to a competition of intelligence in this story, everybody loses.

"Oh so he's not here then." Said Pan a little disappointed.

Bra tried not to notice but she couldn't help it. 'The tomboy must
have a crush on my brother.' She thought; she felt sorry for her.

Poor kid doesn't know that Trunks doesn't swing that way, if ya know what I mean. (And I know you do.)

All her brother noticed was older girls. He'd never look at Pan other than
a kid. She felt sad that Pan would have to find that out herself.

No doubt through a series of failed attempts to gain his love that we'll all get to read about in excruciating detail!

"He comes back every weekend to train with Daddy." Said Bra as nicely
as she could.

"Oh so I could still see him?" Pan sat up, excited.

Bra couldn't help teasing her friend.

Bra: Ha ha! You have feelings! Loser!

"Oh I see you really want to see him that bad." She laughed.

Pan's face turned a deep red and it clashed with the scarf on her

"Yeah, that thing, oh shit, what's it called... It's like, uh, like a scarf, that sort of like, goes on your head... You know, people wear 'em an' stuff. It's like a thin fabric... rope thing? Like a scarf... that goes on your head." It's called a bandana, jackass.

"Aha! I knew it confess Pan you've got a crush." Bra sat up beside her
and pointed.

What are you, Bra? Like, five?

Pan pushed Bra away but she didn't deny or object to the accusation.
"Oh Pan what are you thinking." Said Bra, taking her silence as a

Pan just shrugged. This was the first time Bra had seen Pan shy.

Bra was unaccustomed to the concept of her friend having any sense of shame.

It was kinda cute!

"He's nine years older than you." Bra teased some more.

" conquers all." Pan shrugged her voice quiet and subdued.

Well, you'll be good to go assuming that Trunks has a lolita complex...

Bra crossed her arms over her chest and frowned at Pan. "Hummph."

Bra's pissed because Pan has a free spirit that hasn't been crushed and deformed by worldly evils like hers.

Pan was deluded she couldn't help disagreeing with the match.

"Oh please Bra help me I've never felt like this for anyone." Pan
pleaded. "Help me out please."

Bra then slapped the crap out of the begging girl. "Get a goddamn grip!" she screamed.

Bra was still a little cross at the change of events. Now she was
being roped in to help the silly girl. "Please he has to notice me!"
Pan grabbed her hand and Bra felt herself soften. She couldn't stay
mad at her friend. She had to help her see what a fool she was.

Because if your best friend can't make you feel horrible about yourself, who can!

A plan hatched in her brain she could always sabotage this matching.
Pan was just going to get hurt. She could help Pan stop this crush now
before her heart truly got broken.

"Okay but you do as I say. I've had more experiences with boys." said Bra squeezing Pans hand.

That one is up for grabs, folks. Take it any way you want.

"First things first you loose the scarf."

Pan groaned but took it off. Bra looked her up and down.

Bra: Good, good. Now lose the shirt, the shoes, the belt, the pants... Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Boys love it when you do this kind of stuff.

She did a full circle; Pan had definitely matured well. 'She's so perfect;
everything is in good proportion.' Bra thought.

Her teeth were in good shape as well, and her entire coat was glossy and smooth.

"Lets go to the shops. A new outfit wouldn't hurt either."

"Oh thank you Bra." Pan hugged her friend. She didn't notice the blush
that was on Bra's face.

Too tight! She can't breathe!

"I'll be right back I need to change." Bra flew off unsure why she had
blushed and hoping Pan hadn't noticed. 'I'm just embarrassed.' Bra
said to herself.

Bra: I wish Mom would just buy me those stupid implants...


At the mall things weren't going that well.

"What do you mean they closed down Limited Too and replaced it with another Starbucks!?"

Pan was still a tomboy and no matter what dress Bra picked out Pan
hated it.

"Oh Pan how can a girl hate shopping. You're a freak." Bra sceamed at

You go, girlfriend! That'll teach her to deviate from the stereotype!

"I'm sorry Bra I can't help it. I don't like malls they're scary." Pan
said shyly.

Malls frighten me, too. All those freaky shops and kiosks and... uh... Yeah.

"Come on think of it as an adventure. We have to battle the crowds,
avoid the security and above all grab the bargains!" Bra posed

"Avoid the security"!? Umm, just what kind of "shopping" do they plan on doing, exactly?

Pan laughed a little. "All right I'll try, but lets hurry and make it

Bra dragged her friend into the next shop. Like an expert Bra scoured
the rails determined. "Oh Pan look! Those are your colours." Bra grabbed
a black and orange patterned dress. Bra hated black and orange but she
knew Pan's tastes.

Well Pan's tastes suck tremendously.

"This might work." Pan agreed. Bra shoved her into the changing room.
Desperate to see what her friend looked like in a dress.

Pan came out of the changing rooms shyly. The gypsy dress suited Pan
perfectly. Bra admired the way she pulled the two colours off.

Pan! Not in the middle of the store!

On her it would clash with her blue hair.

"Oh my Pan you're so cute!" Squealed Bra.

Stop saying that! She's not a goddamn puppy!

"Do you think Trunks will notice." Pan asked pleased with the look.

Uh, Mr. Mz D? I hate to bother you, but, well... It's called a question mark. You use it at the end of a sentence when someone is asking a question. You might want to throw a few of those in your story here and there. Just, y'know, just a suggestion.

Bra frowned a little at her brother's name. She had almost forgotten
about the crush. Now she was cursing herself for picking the dress.
'It might actually work.' She moaned to herself.

Foiled by your own evil schemes yet again, eh Bra?

"Well you never know." Said Bra through clenched teeth.

They left the mall quickly.

The mall security in hot pursuit, sirens blaring, bullets flying everywhere...

Bra did have the intention on buying accessories and make-up. But
Pan was really fed up. So they had to go back home. She would just
have to raid her own wardrobe.

Too bad virtually everything in it screamed "Skank!"

"Right Pan come over tomorrow morning. My bother should be arriving
back in the afternoon so we'll have plenty of time to get you ready."

Pan flew away with her purchase. She left a very empty Bra.

Hahaha... Haha... Aw come on Mz D, you couldn't have not noticed that at some point.

'I don't understand what's going on?' Bra said in her mind. 'It's
almost like I want to be the one Pan likes most.

Further proof that Bra is the most self-centered person in the entire world.

Maybe I've got some major sibling rivalry issues.'


And on that note, let's suddenly change scenes!

Bra didn't eat much for dinner. Which was quite unusual considering
her Saiyan father. Vegeta and Bulma watched their daughter curiously.

"Having trouble with another boyfriend Bra?" Her mother asked.

"Did he try to get out of paying child support again?"

"It's not my problems just one of my girlfriends." Bra sighed poking
her food around with a fork.

Vegeta grumped a little. He didn't like his little princess being

When his princess was upset, people died.

"Tell her to stop bothering you with her problems." Snapped Vegeta in
between mouthfuls.

"Daddy I can't treat a friend like that!" Bra whined.

"Yes you can." Said Vegeta.

Damn right you can! Way to talk some sense into that brat. I love Vegeta.

"Not everyone wants your people skills ." Hissed Bulma at her husband.

Bra sighed and left the table. "If you'll excuse me I'll be in my

When she left Bulma turned to Vegeta.

Bulma: I told you we should have stopped after the first kid.

"I think she might be jealous of her friend." whispered Bulma, she
knew there might be a chance Bra would hear.

Why would she be jealous of someone having a problem? This fanfic's logic continues to escape me.

"Whatever, but I think there's more to it." Vegeta said quietly.

Bulma nodded. Even with Vegeta's lack of people's skills he was a good
assessor of situations.

....Uh, hey, you know what, sure. Just write whatever makes you happy.


Bra awoke from the strangest dream she'd had.

Oh, I get it! Everything up until now has just been a dream. Now, the real story is gonna start, and it'll be really good! ...Alright, so maybe I'm the one dreaming now.

She was running with Pan. They were happy, laughing and joking.
Then something came down and took Pan away. She didn't know
what took her.

It was a demon born from Bra's own egotism and bitterness.

The thing that really hurt her was that Pan never looked back. She had
shouted and called after her but she never turned or waved.

The nerve of that little bitch! Being sucked up into some endless void is no reason to stop paying attention to you for even a few moments. I think this dream means that Pan isn't good enough for you.

She was just gone and Bra was left with this enormous hole in her heart.
It hurt so much that it woke her up.

Bra: Holy shit... That's the last time I mix Vodka and Nyquil!

Bra clutched her chest and felt a tear run down her face. She didn't
understand why there was so much pain. 'We're just friends.' There was
no-one she could ask for advice neither. Her father was rubbish at
relationships, and so was her mother.

Years of living with Bra have made them cold and resentful towards other people.

She doubted whether they would even understand. Or worse
misunderstand and start accusing her of feelings for Pan.

Vegeta: I accuse Bra of having feelings for Pan and filling my slippers with guacamole!

Bra: You bastard!

Bra dragged herself out of bed and started getting dressed. She
couldn't go on like this she had to stop Pan from liking her brother.
She picked out her cutest outfit.

It was a Playboy bunny outfit she had gotten from Bulma as a hand-me-down.

Hopefully Goten would arrive with Trunks and she'd have some
distractions. True she did flirt with Goten quite a lot but he was far
too old for her. 'Plus the fact that daddy would like so disapprove.'

Omigawd, like, totally.

Checking herself in the mirror she smiled.

The bulimia was really starting to pay off!

She ate breakfast outside waiting for Pan to arrive. She had just
pouring her juice when Pan flew down beside her.

These kids must scare the hell out of each other every time they get together.

"Mind if I join you I kinda couldn't wait." Pan said sheepishly.

"Yeah sure, grab a seat. I wanted to eat out in the patio today.
There's more inside."

Food or punctuation?

Bra smiled as she watched the eagerness of her friend. She was always
a big eater. "Don't worry about the food, my Mom can actually cook
breakfast. So long as it's toast, cereal and pancakes."

Well, if she ever loses Capsule Corp, at least Bulma can always get a job at IHOP.

Pan nodded her mouth full of toast. She'd taken sixteen slices knowing
full well not to touch the porridge that Ms Briefs had made.

Sixteen slices? That's like an entire loaf of bread. Pan's dumps must be the size of redwood trees.

"Glad you dropped by Pan." Bulma said cheerfully. "Bra was a little
down last night I think she needs the company." She put down a big
plate of pancakes and left.

Pan looked over the pile at Bra. "You were down? What about?" Asked
Pan innocently.

One word: Hormones.

'Gee thanks' Mom.' "Oh nothing really. I was a bit depressed about my
lack of boyfriend." Bra shrugged.

"But you always have the guys after you." Pan smiled.

"They're just so immature. All they want is to get in your pants."

That's really creepy, considering that Bra is like 15... Guess that's what she gets for dressing like a whore and hanging out around college guys.

Bra looked through the kitchen window and glared at her father. "Besides
they have to get past Daddy and considering he's like totally the
strongest in the world. I've no hope."

Hey Bra, shouldn't you be off somewhere reading the newest issue of Seventeen and daydreaming about the who's the cutest Backstreet Boy?

Pan stayed silent not wanting to comment on the strength issue. In her
mind it was her grandfather Son then her dad, then Vegeta.

Pan is wise to stay silent. After all, many ruthless flame wars have been started on countless DBZ message boards over that very same topic.

"I guess you're Dad could be a little intimidating." Pan admitted.

"When my prom date saw Daddy. He nearly had a heart attack and died in
the lobby." Bra exclaimed, hoping her Dad's jug ears caught it.

Well now she obviously wants a beating...

"I guess that must be hard." Pan had never taken a guy home. She
really didn't have any experience.

"Never mind, he's a lot easier on Trunks but. . . I don't know." Bra
smirked. Time for plan A into action.

Time to commence 'Operation: Destroy Friend's Self-Esteem'!

"Daddy does have a big grudge on the Son's." Bra said trying not to
laugh. "He might not like Trunks being with his enemy's
granddaughter." She knew her Daddy had shaken off his hatred of Goku.
But he still tried to act all tough and evil around them.

Oh no, no! Don't even try to make Vegeta sound like a muss! You've already destroyed enough DBZ characters' reputations as it is, and I have to draw the line somewhere.

"Oh gosh, you think he might object?" Pan gasped.

Bra shrugged. "My Daddy's got one unpredictable fuse, who knows?"

"Oh Bra if anything does happen between me and Trunks. Do you think
you could tell him. He always says yes to you."

Now he's just randomly putting. Periods in the middle. Of sentences.

Bra cursed silently, she couldn't say no.

She could just say 'Yes' and lie about it later, though. I mean, it's been established that Bra is no stranger to lying through her teeth...

"Yeah sure, IF you even get it on with my brother." Bra crossed her
arms again. There was that feeling in her chest again. 'Why won't it
go away?'

Bra: First my heart beats irregularly, then I become short of breath and experience numbness in my left arm followed by sharp, shooting pains throughout my torso. Oh, well. I'll just assume it's because of my secret feelings for Pan.

Pan gave Bra a gentle hug. "Thank you." She whispered. Bra tried her
best not to blush again but it appeared anyway.

Son of a bitch, Mz D won't be satisfied until his readers are squealing "Soooo CUUUUTE!!" and giggling like schoolgirls every time they finish reading a sentence. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that I'm not this story's target audience, but still... Enough is enough, man.

"Um.. you're welcome." She gave a goofy smile and tried to ignore her
father staring from the window. 'Great I bet he did hear about Pan's
crush on Trunks.' Bra mused.

Now it's only a matter of time before the killing starts.

"Did you bring the dress." Bra asked trying to ignore the stare she
was receiving. Pan completely oblivious picked up the carrier bag proudly.

"I also brought some jewelry I've never worn."

And never paid for, based on her fondness of security-dodging.

"Great, go to my room and I'll meet you there. I think Daddy wants a
word with me."

Pan turned and noticed the scowling Saiyan in the window.

Vegeta: So much rage... I need to kill something SO BADLY!!

"Oh okay Bra, I'll get changed." The girl ran off and Bra moved to her

"What is it Daddy?" She snapped at him, hands on hips.

Man I hope there's a scene coming up where Bra gets smacked around a bit. Just saying.

"The Son girl, does she know?" He asked quietly.

"Know what?" Bra questioned back, puzzeled by what he said.

At last, Bra suddenly realizes the horrible truth behind the screaming in the basement and the frequent power outages.

Vegeta looked a little shocked but his frown stayed.

"Do you even know how you feel?' He grumbled his hand on his head.

"Huh?" Now Bra was just confused.

"Just go to her girl. Figure it out for yourself."

Vegeta: Just be a lesbian goddamn it!

Her Dad then turned and walked to his gravity chamber.

'My dad sure is weird sometimes.' Bra thought to herself. Barging into
her room Bra stopped dead in her tracks. There Pan had her shirt over
her head. Her chest fully exposed.

Jeez, those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos will film anywhere.

Bra couldn't stop herself she just stared. She had always
vainly thought she had the best looking figure. But now looking
at Pan's naked top form she took back her claim.


Oh yeah, I'll bet she's... totally stacked under there... Bra must think baby fat is hot, I guess.

She turned her back to Pan. Hoping her red face would
be gone by the time she was fully dressed.

"So...uh what did your dad say?" Pan said breaking the

"Nothing important.

"Just something about the two of us becoming gay... or something... I don't know. He's always saying stuff."

I don't think he heard our conversation so your safe for now."

What about her safe? I think the author meant to use the contraction you're instead. Or maybe Pan really does have a safe that she's talking about. I just don't know, folks.

Pan sighed in relief. She adjusted her dress a little.

"Pan are you wearing a bra under there?" Bra asked hoping her
name wouldn't be made a joke again.

Whoops, too late.

"I don't need one do I?" Pan asked looking at her self side on.

Seriously. Pan's flatter than the readers' reaction to what passes for emotional drama in this story.

"Didn't your mother teach you anything girly?" Bra moaned.

"No not really." Was Pan's truthful answer.

Pan: Mom says I should "at least be legal before I go putting myself on display," whatever that means...

Bra sighed she came up beside Pan.

"Look I'm wearing a bra." Bra motioned to her chest. "See it's a lot
more upright. Plus you don't get your nipples sticking out."

So much for feminine discreetness. The minute one of them strikes up a conversation about tampons and maxi pads, I'm outta here. I'm serious, I'll shut this whole fuckin' website down.

Pan gasped and her hands covered her breasts. Bra just laughed.

"You're fine but if a cold draft or maybe even a little arousal. Oh
man Trunks would get an eyeful."

Well, now that the word "arousal" has been used, it can only go downhill from here...

"Oh no I had no idea. Why didn't mother warn me." Pan cried.

Pan's acting skills are about on par with Jessica Alba's. "Oh no. Drug lords are after us. They're going to kill us. Why god why."

She was so much better at fighting than this 'girl's stuff'.

"Don't worry about it. You seem the same size as me." Bra lifted Pans
chin hoping to see her smile.

She's checking to see if their smiles are the same size? What does that have to do with your nipples sticking out?

She did a little, just enough to make Bra smile back.

"I can give you my sports bra. It's not sexy but it'll hold everything
in place." Bra fumbled in her top drawers. "I only use it when I train
with my Daddy. Which isn't that often."

Vegeta usually doesn't use a training bra. Ha ha ha ha! Get it!? Because... because he's training Bra.... Ahhhh, I'm tired.

She handed the garment to Pan.

Pan began taking her dress off.

"Don't you have any modesty." Asked Bra hotly.

Question marks! For the love of God, use some frigging question marks!!

She was really unsure why she was so upset.

"We're both girls here." Said Pan calmly.

Yeah, you're both girls. Why shouldn't you put on little strip-tease shows for each other every now and then? God, being a boy sucks.

"Uh yeah." Bra tried to keep her thoughts clean. She wanted to
touch Pan's chest. She was fighting the feelings that were suddenly
rising. 'Oh sh*t, I think I fancy Pan.'

Oh, yeah? Well I fancy a BLT and a vanilla milkshake, but you don't see me getting all bent out of shape over it.

The thought had sprung into her head.

She tried to deny it but the feeling was there. It was why she was so
empty because Pan could never return her feelings.

"All done Bra." Said Pan from behind her.

Pan: The "Kick Me" sign is in place!

"Okay lets do your make-up." Bra tried to smile. She knew it would
look insincere but she didn't want to set Pan up with her brother.


Why don't you just bold and underline that last part to really make sure the readers understand that plot point about Bra not wanting Pan and Trunks to hookup. I mean really make sure they get it.

"Well most of my kit is for fair skin. So it shouldn't look too bad
with your colouring." Bra tried focusing herself on the job at hand.

Making Pan look even halfway attractive was quite a task, after all.

She carefully focused on Pan's face. Admiring her light brown
freckles, her deep dark eyes. She marveled at how she got prettier as
she applied the make-up.

Make-up making someone look prettier!? This fanfic just blew my mind!

The pain in her chest returned. She wanted Pan to notice her now. To
take away the sadness.

You know, a few shots of hard liquor will accomplish the same task.

Pan looked up to her.

"Thanks Bra I know you don't fully approve." Her hand touched Bra's.
The blue haired girl shivered with the touch.

Bra: Oh shit! I forgot about Pan's touch of dea-- *THUD!*

"Don't worry I'm sure it'll work out." Bra said faintly. "Love
conquers all."

I'll bet it does. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take a nap on some railroad tracks and hope that I never get the chance to wake up. That may seem a bit extreme, but at least it means I won't have to read Part 2 of this awful soap opera reject.

Well folks, even though I know you must be dying to find out what happens with the blossoming romance between these two infatuated anime characters, you'll have to wait until Episode #2 to witness the thrilling conclusion. It's something I'll look forward to with the same anticipation I have for getting a root canal, or being beaten in the face by someone wearing brass knuckles immediately after having said root canal.

In any case, I learned a lot from this fanfiction, such as the fact that you should never trust your friends for anything, as they'll just be secretly planning to humiliate you in front of a love interest with the hidden agenda of making you homosexual. I've also learned that you should always wear a bra since your nipples might stick out if you feel a cold draft or even a little arousal. I just know that last little tidbit of information is going to save me from some major embarrassment the next time I'm in an important board meeting with my fellow CEO's and an attractive secretary walks into the room or someone turns on the air conditioner! Thanks, crappy fanfiction!

In closing, if you're interested in gaining more invaluable advice about the facts of life (or if you just want to find out who ends up getting into Pan's pants), then you most assuredly won't want miss the next exciting episode of... Project AFTER!