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Episode 04: "Summer Time!"
(A 'Gate Keepers' fanfiction by Megumi2)
Oh my God... It's only the fourth episode of this fight
against bad fanfiction, and I'm already starting to feel
battle fatigue. My every sense is becoming numb like frozen
death, and time itself seems to slow around me as if
wounded, yet though my sight grows weak as the hearts of men
unable to walk this filthy red road so inglorious, I
remained doomed to watch the terribly familiar images of
combat play on before me. And as I stand atop this desert of
ash, memories of peace no longer grant me fleeting solace
amongst this bloodshed neverending. Damn, I guess I'll have
to double my caffeine intake... Again.
Regardless, the time has come for me to present another
twisted tale bent of the destruction of all that is good and
pure. This time around, it's a Gate Keepers fanfic, which I
guess should be a pretty obvious red flag right there.
Gleefully entitled "Summer Time!", I originally read this
fic during the last days of my summer vacation, since it
sounded like a fun little story about the cast of this
comfortably mediocre anime frolicking in the warm afternoon
sun, that would perhaps evoke some nostalgic memories from
my own past summertime experiences. I have only myself to
blame for the horrifying shock that ensued when I came
face-to-face with one of the most bewildering heap of words
I've ever laid eyes upon. In the future, I'll know better
than to let my guard down when first looking at an
Since I can't think of a way to even begin describing just
how... random the plot for this thing is, I'll just
go ahead and let you read it for yourself. I have, however,
been instructed by my team of lawyers to inform you that
viewing the following fanfic without proper eye protection
(such as a blindfold) may result in some form of mental
retardation. That said, I cannot be held responsible for any
adverse medical side effects you experience as a result of
reading this fanfiction review.
The sun was shine brightly one
morning. It was the gate keepers party's vacation on school
and on work. A man one day woke up that morning.
To answer the question that just popped into your head, no,
I didn't use Babel Fish to translate this story into German,
then Spanish, then Chinese, and then back into English
before I started this review.
"Yawn!!!" The man shouted.
How R. Lee Ermey starts his day.
"Wow, vacation again." He thought.
"I wonder if Rurippe will come today…" He continued. Then he
went near the window of his room.
"Again!? Oh, for... Why do those guys have to paint obscene
things on my window every night?"
"Rurippe! Rurippe! Wake up! It's
morning!!!" He shouted very loud. "I know you hear me! Wake
up!" He continued. The girl from the other house then
"What do you want from me!? I'm still sleeping, don't bother
me, will you! And I told you, don't call me sniveler again!"
For those who don't know, 'Rurippe' means something akin to
'sniveler' within the context of the anime. I'm explaining
this because I am of the understanding that virtually no one
has ever actually seen Gate Keepers. In fact, just
pretend you don't know that and continue assuming that
Megumi2 is the worst speller in history.
Ruriko shouted very loud, too. The
door suddenly opened on Ruriko's room.
"Ruriko, darling, why are you shouting early in the
morning?" Her mother asked.
"O… kasan… oh, sorry. Why am I shouting? Um… maybe I'm just…
dreaming… yes, maybe I'm just dreaming." Ruriko lied.
Sometimes, fanfiction causes me to wake up screaming...
"If you're dreaming, why are you
standing there, near the window?" Ruriko's mother then
Aw snap, Ruriko! Your mom totally saw through the
bullshit! Your elaborate ruse somehow failed to deceive her.
"Um… well, maybe I'm just… walking
while I'm sleeping! Yes, maybe I'm just sleep walking."
Ruriko lied once more.
"Come on, darling, don't lie to me. Tell me the truth." Her
Mother: Little girls who lie will be damned to roast in the
eternally-raging FIRES OF HELL! Now, tell Mommy the truth.
"H-hai! Shun… he's shouting so I
can be awaked, there, he's shouting there." Ruriko said as
she pointed Shun's window.
"But why are you shouting? Can't you speak to him nicely!?"
Her mother then asked.
"Come on, answer me." She continued.
Is this scene going anywhere? ...Besides straight down the
toilet, I mean.
"So then, why are you shouting?" She asked again.
"Because I'm still sleeping and he's shouting too loud this
morning." Ruriko answered with her head down.
Back in the 60's, Japanese girls who raised their voices for
any reason would bring shame and dishonor to their families'
ancestors, and had to be disciplined by being tied up and
beaten with bamboo rakes.
"Ok, if you want to sleep again,
tell him that you still want to sleep. Don't shout at him,
remember that!" Ruriko's mother said. Then she went out of
Ruriko's room. A tear then fell from Ruriko's brown eyes.
This is really engaging storytelling, right here. The only
way this scene could make me want to keep reading this fic
more is if somebody suddenly threw a basket full of puppies
in front of a moving train.
Shun saw what was happening from
his window as he looked out. "Rurippe…" Shun whispered.
Ruriko's head then faced Shun's window.
The raw, demonic hatred in Ruriko's eyes would be the last
thing Shun would ever see.
"Nani?" Ruriko whispered.
"Gomen…gomen nasai!" Shun said. But suddenly, Ruriko closed
"Rurippe…" Shun whispered again.
This fanfic needs subtitles.
Later, he went out of his room.
* * *
Where did he go after that!? Find out... on the next
exciting episode of "Summer Time!"
DINGDONG! The doorbell rang at
"Um, is Ruriko-sempai there?" A little girl asked.
"I've got the eight crates of Cuban cigars she order from
Big Louie. By the by, does she still want that 'Shun' guy
"Hai. Come in." Ruriko's mother
said. The girl then went inside of the house. Ruriko's
mother then went to Ruriko's room. "Ruriko, your friend is
here." She said while knocking at the door.
Mother: You haven't been up here showing emotion, have you?
WELL HAVE YOU!? Because I swear to GOD, you little
"Hai, I'm coming!" Ruriko said as
she stood up from her bed. Then she carried her things and
opened the door. Then she went down the stairs.
Just try and tell me the author isn't making this shit up as
she goes along. "Then she walked over to the door. Then...
um... Then she opened the door! Then... And then... uhhh....
Something with giant robots."
"Ohayo, Kaoru-chan!" Ruriko
"Ohayo, sempai!" Kaoru greeted. "Are you prepared? Can we go
now, huh?" She then asked.
Kaoru: You promised to walk me on Thursday's, remember? Come
on, I've got the baggies and everything, let's go!
"Hai, I'm ready soshite we can go
now." Ruriko said. "Okasan, otosan, I'm going. Sayonara!"
I really hope they're on their way to a place where they'll
learn how to speak English.
"Be careful! Sayonara!" Ruriko's
parents shouted. Then Ruriko and Kaoru went out the house.
"Come on sempai, let's fetch Ukiya-sempai, too!" Kaoru said.
Ruriko just nodded her head then the two girls went to
The next nine pages of the fic will be known as "The Shun's
KNOCK! KNOCK! The door then opened.
There's something about people typing out sound effects that
really makes me want to see them get hit by a bus, so I can
shout "SPLAT!" and everyone will laugh at the irony.
"Kaoru-chan Why are you here? Oh,
gomen! I didn't think that Rurip-ko was also there." Shun
said. "Come in!" He said. The two then went inside.
"Matte." Shun said. Then he went up the stairs up to his
room. Then he carried his things and went down the stairs.
I hereby pronounce "then" to be my new least-favorite word
in the English language; a position previously held by
"Ikuso!" Shun said. Then the three
of them went out of the house and went to where they planned
The author has no plans to tell us where that is, though,
and damned if she's gonna make it easy to figure out.
* * *
"Ah, where's Ukiya and the others!?" A big man shouted
angrily. "They were so late! What took them so long!?" He
shouted very loud.
Man, Ukiya's drug dealer is really uptight about his clients
The people on the park then looked at him. He then blushed
and covered his mouth.
"Ayayay, you're so funny, Bancho!" A little girl mocked.
"Shut up your mouth, Fei!" Bancho shouted in anger.
Bancho: Now is no time to be talking! We must capture Moose
and Squirrel in name of Fearless Leader!
Later, Shun and the others went to the park.
"Gomen nasai, we're late." Shun said.
Did he just say "Go men Nazis"?
The others just nodded then they
stood up from their seat. Then they start walking towards
* * *
"Bancho, let's race!" Kaoru said. "Hey, Megane, you go near
the middle of the beach. Me and Bancho will just race."
I'm trying really hard to follow this, but it's a lot like
trying to follow a novel by Tom Clancy when it's being read
to you by a retarded person...
Megane awed. "Me? Gomen demo I'm
otto afraid to stay in a deeper part de yansu. Daijoubu.
Gomen ne…" Megane then said.
Jesus Christ, woman, throw me a bone here!
Kaoru's eyes then became watery.
"Please?????????" Kaoru said. "It'll just take only a few
minutes." She added. Megane feels pity for Kaoru so he
agreed with her.
How does this scene end? Find out right after this word from
* * *
And now, back to Random Japanese Words Theater!
"Hey Megane, are you alright
there?" Kaoru shouted to Megane which was at the middle of
the beach. Megane just nodded his head, but he looks like
he's not feeling good.
Is Megane out in the water, or what? Why would standing in
the middle of the beach make him sick? Why am I trying to
make sense of such an insignificant detail in the middle of
this bewildering mess of a story?
"Ayayay! Are you ready?" Fei then
The two just nod their heads. "GO!" Fei shouted then the two
hurriedly ran quickly to win the race because they really
wanted the prize, which the loser will buy the winner ice
Ah yes, everyone loves ice cream... Or, as they call it in
"Oh, hurry Kaoru! The ice cream is
waiting for you desu!" Reiko shouted while waving her hand.
Kaoru now is on the lead.
There's a world of difference between being in the
lead, and being on the lead, lemme tell ya.
"I'm coming now, Megane…" Kaoru
thought. "And I'm sure I'll win the ice cream, the most
expensive ice cream Bancho will buy for me…" She continued
thinking about ice cream to win the race.
Ice cream is her motivation for everything. In ten years,
she's gonna be going down on some guy she doesn't know in an
alley behind a bar for a cone of rocky road.
Kaoru now is very near to Megane.
She is about to hold Megane's hand but Megane suddenly sink
in the water. "Nani!?" Kaoru said very surprised.
"Ah, help me, de yansu!!!" Megane shouted. "I'm drowning!!!"
He shouted again. Megane just kept shouting for help.
But his friends were too busy arguing over who won on the
race, and thus Megane sank to his watery grave. NEXT SCENE!
"Megane, I'll save you!" Kaoru
said. Then she hurriedly held Megane's hand to save him.
Later, both of them are in the seashore.
The rest of the group thought it would be funny to bury them
in the sand while they were unconscious.
"Megane-kun, Kaoru-san, daijobu?"
Ruriko asked, waiting for the two's answers. But all she
received was nothing. "Sigh!" Ruriko thought. Then she
closed eyes and placed her hand above the two and opened her
gate. Later, the gate was gone then she opened her eyes.
This is officially where Megumi2 gave up trying to make this
"I guess they're fine." Ruriko
said. Then Kaoru's eyes suddenly opened slowly.
Nope, sorry. They can't open both suddenly and
slowly. You're not allowed to do that.
"Wh-where am I? What am I doing
here?" She asked like she didn't remember anything. "And
where's Megane, is he alright now?" She continued asking
like she remembered now anything that happened.
This fanfic would make an English teacher commit suicide.
....What was Ms. Nitpicker's e-mail address, again?
"He's beside you…" Megumi said.
Kaoru then looked behind her to see if Megane was alright
now. "Yokata…" She whispered. Then Megane's eyes, too,
"Where am I de yansu?" Megane then asked.
Any sentence can be made better by adding "de yansu" to the
end of it!
"What happened, why are all of you
looking at me?" He asked again.
"You drowned…" Megumi said. Megane then looked at his self
and asked himself if he really drowned.
Megane: What happened? Did we drown? ...No, it was the
sneaky Hobbitses! They stole our Precious!
"Ahem!" Kaoru then shouted, making
Bancho notice her. Bancho then sweat dropped and ran away.
"Hey Bancho, my ice cream!" Kaoru shouted while following
Bancho, but Bancho kept on running.
Don't stop, dude! She'll shoot your kneecaps off if she gets
"Usotski!!!!!!!!!" Kaoru then
shouted. Then Bancho stopped running.
"Fine! Fine! Fine!" Bancho said. "Demo, it's unfair!" He
said. "Yes, you're the first who touched Megane, because you
saved him, no, you want to save him!" Bancho said. Bancho's
eyes then became watery.
Is every single character in this story on massive amounts
of narcotics or what? I know anime characters tend to act a
bit bipolar, but holy shit.
"Bancho, don't cry. It's not good
for you to act in a drama scene, while your face is comedy.
Comedy scene is much better for you." Kaoru said. "And fine,
too! I'll buy you ice cream, only the small one…" Kaoru
Kaoru: It's all settled, then. To the dumpster behind
"Hai." Bancho said which means that
he agrees with it. Kaoru then ran towards Bancho and hugged
him. Bancho then blushed.
Kaoru was just tall enough for her face to... Eh, forget it.
Later, Bancho came back and both of
them bought ice cream. Later, they were finished eating ice
cream then they went inside the room to play with the
others, and didn't noticed that they've left Ruriko outside.
A man with black hair then sat beside Ruriko again who was
"Hi again…" The man started to talk.
Trying to find a central plotline in this story is like
trying to play "Where's Waldo?" when the book is lying on
the surface of the moon, and the closest thing you have to a
telescope is an empty cardboard poster tube. Also, a wild
bobcat clawed out your eyes.
* * *
The next day, at the girl's room…
"Wake up now, minna!" A beautiful lady one morning shouted.
"It is in time for us to have the lesbian of sex!" A lady
"Is it already morning, huh,
sempai?" Another but younger lady asked.
"Oh, I can't see anything desu!" Another lady said because a
cloth covered her eyes that she wears when she sleeps at
Hahahaha! A cloth was covering her eyes... Comedy gold,
"Ayayay! I still want to sleep!"
Another little girl said. The other girl just woke up and
went out of the room.
Who are these mystery ladies? If you expect to learn the
answer to that at any point, then you obviously haven't been
reading this fic.
* * *
"Yahoo, time to swim again!" Kaoru shouted. Bancho then
followed Kaoru and jumped quickly to the water.
I swear to God Almighty, if this scene involves them
competing for ice cream and/or somebody crying, I'm gonna
"Announcement! Announcement! There
will be a swimsuit contest, which will be done here on the
beach, at three o'clock in the afternoon. All girls must
join this contest to win the price.
"That's right folks, participation in this contest is
mandatory. Any girls who attempt to flee the area
before the commencement of the contest will be shot by the
armed guards we have posted along the shoreline."
The price will be one-week vacation
here in the beach for ten people for free!
This has got to be the saddest attempt at generating tourism
I've ever heard of, be it in real life or a work of fiction.
Hurry, prepare yourself for the
contest later. Domo Arigatou!
"Did you hear that!? There will be
a contest, Rurippe! Wear your prettiest and sexiest swimsuit
later! We must win the price! Can't you believe that we can
have one week vacation here for TEN people!" Shun shouted as
Shun has some real serious issues he needs to work out.
"Let's count how many are we…me,
Rurippe, Reiko-chan, Kaoru-chan, Fei-chan, Megumi-chan,
Bobby-chan, Cindy-chan, Steve-chan, Dan-chan, Joanne-chan,
Peter Pan-chan, Mary Ann-chan, Beenie Man-chan, Ed McMahon-chan,
Spiderman-chan, Edward Scissorhands-chan, Jackie Chan-chan,
Megane and Bancho! We're eight! We
need more two people. Yes, Saemi-chan and You're friend…if
you want to." He continued.
"Sigh! Maybe that can't be true! I don't have interest in
joining that contest!" Ruriko said then she went inside
"Oh, boy…" Shun whispered.
Shun: What a frigid bitch.
They only swim and swim that
morning. Then lunch came, others just prepared for the
Things happened. There was laughter, and there were tears.
People were born; others died. Countless nations rose and
fell like the ebb and flow of the tide that the children
splashed in. And somewhere, Shun Ukiya was jerking off
* * *
The gate keepers party are in their room. Shun is outside.
"Come on, minna, please join the contest!" Shun said through
"We don't want!" The girls said loudly in chorus.
Shun: Umm, I'll buy the winner some ice cream!
Kaoru: *kicks down the door* Let's ROCK this bitch-shittin'
When I first read this fic, I thought that said "lie", and I
had no idea what that meant. Then I found out that the first
letter is actually a capital 'I', and, ironically enough, I
still have no idea what that means.
"Okay, if you join the contest, I
will treat you to…um… Eight Waves! Please come on, join it,
please! I only want to be proud of you, because all of you
are beautiful, please!!!??"
Shun: I know this trip has kind of sucked, but I really
think we can salvage this crappy beach vacation by winning
another beach vacation.
"Oh, I haven't been there yet desu!"
Reiko said open up the door.
"Ayayay! Maybe it will be great!" Fei shouted.
"Or maybe it will suck. But Susan Jeffers taught me to have
an optimistic outlook on life! Ayayay!"
"Eight Waves…hmm…" Megumi
"Ayayay, maybe it'll be fine!" Fei said.
I hope Fei gets stung on the ass by a box jellyfish.
"Nyata! You're so kind Kaoru-chan,
Reiko-chan, Fei-chan!" Shun shouted as he ran to Kaoru and
hugged her. "How about you, Rurippe, Megumi-chan?" Shun then
"I'll try." Ruriko said.
Hey, a sentence I can actually understand! Alright!
"Honto, Rurippe!?" Shun asked as
his eyes became watery because of happiness.
"Arigatou." He added. "How about you, Megumi-chan?"
"I don't want to!" Megumi answered.
Well, I don't want to be reading this fanfiction, but
sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
"Iie, I don't like it!"
Just leave the stupid bitch and go to the frigging
contest without her!
"To Enchanted Kigndom!"
"Fine, I'll do it!" Megumi ended.
"Nyata!" Shun shouted.
You are the most contemptible kind of idiot, Shun. I hope
they screw you out of every cent you've ever made.
* * *
Later, it was already three o'clock in the afternoon.
Sweet Lord Jesus how did that happen!
"Welcome, minna! Today, you can see
beautiful ladies wearing their neat and nice swimsuits!
"Yes, welcome ladies and gentlemen, to Beachside Jailbait
We have ten contestants." The
announcer said. Then on the other side, behind the beach
resort was a restaurant. There they sounded their radio very
loud. "What's that sound!" The announcer said.
"Anyway, let's still meet contestant number one!" The
Apparently, the announcer is incapable of keeping a single
train of thought going for more than a few seconds.
A door behind her then opened and
contestant no. 1 with long black hair, which she tied up in
That's not a typo, folks. She actually tied her hair around
in a small horse, which she is now struggling to drag behind
and with green swimsuit with small
skirt on it, then came out from it. "Contestant number one,
she is 137 cm. She likes playing with her pet monkey.
Yeah, no, I'm not touching that one.
Let's welcome, Fen Feiring! Fen
Feiring will also show us some of her talents."
"Hai!" Fei said as she went on the middle of the stage. She
then raised her right hand, "Kai Men!" She shouted. Her red
gate then opened in front of her. The fire then came out
from her hand and splash on to the water. The audiences then
clap their hands.
Japanese audiences are so polite, they'll clap even for a
performance as awful as this.
"Sugoi!" Some people said.
"Arigatou, Fei-chan! That is very wonderful!" The announcer
said. "Now let's welcome contestant number two!"
I think the first contestant was number two.
She shouted as the door behind her
again opened where contestant number two with blue hair, and
with plain white two piece swim suit went out. "Contestant
number two, she is 184 cm. She likes playing volleyball.
Please welcome, Komatsui Bonako! She, too will also show us
some of her talents."
"Hai!" Komatsui said. She then gets the ball from one of the
audience and play volleyball.
Some quick research just confirmed my suspicions that you
need multiple people in order to play volleyball. So
either the person who wrote the 'rules' page on
volleyball.com is full of shit, or Megumi2 is a moron.
"Arigatou, contestant number two.
Next, contestant number three!" She said as the door behind
her opened again. The contestant with long brown hair and
with ordinary swimsuit then went outside from it.
She went outside of the swimsuit, as in she took it off?
Finally, this is beginning to get interesting...
"Contestant number three, she is
114 cm. She likes reading comics. Please welcome, Rimikako
Fakabo! She'll also show us some of her talents."
Like writing horrible fanfiction! Oh, no, wait... I forgot
this wasn't an author self-insertion fic.
"Hai." Rimikako said. She then get
comics from one of the audience and read it, very fast.
Dude, contest over. She wins it, end of story.
"Arigatou, contestant number three.
Now, let's meet contestant number four!" The announcer
shouted as the door behind her again opened and contestant
number four with short brown hair and with orange and brown
So far, the contestants' talents have gotten progressively
stupider and more useless each time. This one will probably
sharpen a pencil, and the audience will be so blown away
that they'll cheer as if she'd if just scored the winning
touchdown for every Super Bowl game at once.
"Contestant number four, she is 152
cm. She always wins track and field in their school.
Let's welcome, Kaoru Konoe! Kaoru will also show us some of
"Hai!" Kaoru said. "Geto open!"
Kaoru shouted as her blue gate
opened in front of her. She then ran fast around the whole
beach and came back after she ran within five seconds.
"Arigatou, contestant number four. That is really great!"
The announcer said.
Well, it was cool, but it's not as good as READING COMICS
really fast! I don't think ANYTHING will be able to top
"And now let's welcome, contestant
number five!" The announcer said as the door behind her
opened and contestant number five with long brown loose hair
and with red two-piece swimsuit came from it. "Contestant
number five, she is 159 cm. She likes playing piano. Let's
welcome, Reiko Asagri, which will also show us some of her
I'm beginning to notice a pattern here...
"Hai desu!" Reiko said, but then
she fell on the floor.
"Ouch!" Reiko said.
The audience then laughed. "Please, everyone, don't laugh."
The announcer said.
"It's not nice to laugh at the handicapped," the announcer
scolded as blood began to pool around Reiko's body.
But Reiko then stood up from the
"Oh, I'm fine desu! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Reiko laughed. A piano then
appeared on the stage. Reiko then sat on the chair. "Geto
open desu!" Reiko shouted as her pink gate opened and she
starts playing the piano.
"Reiko shouted as her pink gate opened..." Yeah. I don't
know, maybe my mind is just especially filthy these days,
but I have a difficult time believing I'm the only one who
The surrounding then became desert.
"So hot!" One of the audiences said. Other audiences then
followed saying again almost the same thing. Reiko stopped
playing the piano. The surroundings then came back to
That happened to a friend of mine, one time. Except, instead
of playing the piano, I think he was huffing paint fumes.
"Arigatou, Reiko. That is like an
illusion!" The announcer said. "Next, contestant number
six!" The announcer said as the door behind her opened where
contestant number six came with very long black hair and
hair down and with backless and plain pink swimsuit.
I gotta be honest, I really don't give a damn what each
girl's swimsuit looks like at this point.
"Contestant number six, she is 174
cm. She is very popular in their school. Please welcome,
Mazuki Kawari! She will also show us some of her talents."
"Hai." Mazuki said. She then raised her arm.
She was immediately met with a standing ovation from the
audience. The sound of a thousand spectators' thunderous
applause and elated cries of support continued to fill the
air long after Mazuki left the stage.
She then whispered something.
Something in front of her then appeared. Things that she
first sees then fly to the stage. After she put down her
arm, the things then went back again.
Your guess is as good as mine, folks.
"That must be a…"
"Geto de yansu!"
A what!? Could we have that in English, please.
"Arigatou, Mazuki." The announcer
said. "Next to welcome, contestant number seven!" The
announcer said. The door behind her then opened and
contestant number seven with short red hair and a baby blue
swimsuit came out. "Contestant number seven, she is 169 cm.
She likes singing. Let's welcome, Fukima Hamakisa! Fukima
will also show us some of her talents.
I am so goddamn excited I think I'm about to go into
convulsions from all the adrenaline surging through my
veins. This has to be the most intense rush anyone has ever
"Hai." Fukima said then she started
singing 'On The Wings Of Love'. "On the wings of love up and
above the clouds the only way to fly. Is on the wings of
I'm sure Jeffrey Osborne can now die a happy man knowing
that he helped contribute to this fanfic's existence in some
"Arigatou, Fukima." The announcer
said. "Now, contestant number eight!" She said then the door
opened behind her where contestant number eight with long
black down hair and with plane dark blue swimsuit came out.
Sounds like this show is really about to take off,
I need alcohol.
"Contestant number eight, she is
148 cm. She likes reading books. Let's welcome, Megumi
Kurogane! She will also show us some of her talents."
"Hai." Megumi said. "Geto open!" She said then her green
gate appeared in front of her.
Oh look at that, it's a green gate this time. I take back
everything I said about these contestant skits being
The barrier then covered them from the noisy sound of the
"Arigatou, Megumi. You saved us from that noise!" The
"What!?" Megumi shouted.
"Arigatou, Megumi. You saved us from that noise!"
"What!?" Megumi shouted.
"Now let's welcome contestant number nine!" She said as the
door behind her opened and there where contestant number
nine with long brown hair and with blue two piece swimsuit
appeared. "Contestant number nine, she is 153 cm. She is
always the top in their class!
I. Do. Not. Care.
Let's meet, Ruriko Ikusawa! She will also show us some of
"Hai!" Ruriko said. She then gets her bow and arrow. "Geto
open!" She said then her yellow gate appeared in front of
her. She then attacked her arrow on the trunk of the tree.
Huh? What tree!? The author isn't even trying anymore!
"Arigatou, Ruriko." The announcer said. "And now, let's meet
contestant number ten! She is 166 cm. She likes being the
announcer of all contests. Please welcome, our last but not
the least contestant, no one but me, Doremi Fasola!" She
said then she took off her clothes.
It's about time we got a girl whose talents include
stripping. Now I understand why the audience was willing to
sit through all that other crap.
She then walked to the stage with her cute plain pink
swimsuit and her long dark brown hair. "I don't have to show
you my talents this time cause I've showed them already!"
On the usefulness scale, she'd rate "Waste of Oxygen".
"And now, our contestants will line up in every circle down
on the floor of the stage. When the circle disappeared and
the contestant fell in the water, it means that they lose.
The one that will still standing there will win the
contest!" The announcer said.
Because just having them walk off the stage isn't degrading
"Anyway, our first judge in this contest is Mr. Reiji
Kageyama!" She shouted.
"Yo, minna!" Kageyama said the girls then became noisy.
"K-kageyama!?" Shun thought. "W-what is he doing here!? Why
is he here!?" He continued.
Why does anything in this story happen the way it does.
"Our next judge is Mr. Shuu Kawari!"
"Shuu?" Ruriko thought. "Why is he one of the judges?" She
asked to herself.
"What a nice timing! Rurippe now has a big chance to win!"
Shuu has some previous experience rating Ruriko's "performance", if ya get my drift. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
"And now, our last judge is Ms. Keiko Ochiai!"
"Secretary!?" Shun shouted.
Shun: What the hell!? She called in sick today!
"Let's start!" The announcer shouted. Then all of them even
the surroundings became quiet. The circle in contestant
number two then disappeared.
"Ah!!!" Komastui shouted.
Komastui: Sweet Mother of God! There's a bunch of crocodiles
down he-- AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
"Arigatou, Komastui Bonako. Please join again!" The
announcer said. Then the circle in contestant number seven
Ah, hell. You're going to go through each one of these
individually, aren't you.
"Ah!!!" Fukima shouted.
"Arigatou, Fukima Hamakisa Please also join this contest
again." The announcer said. The circle in contestant number
three then disappeared, too.
Nooooooo! I wanted her to win. I mean, she READ COMICS! What
more could you ask for!?
"Ah!!!" Rimikako shouted.
"Arigatou, Rimikako Fakabo. Please join again here." The
Then the circle in contestant number ten disappeared.
"Ah!!!" The announcer shouted. "As I thought, I will lose!"
With an attitude like that, she was doomed from the start.
Although, I guess her lame-ass "talent" might have had
something to do with it, too. I seriously doubt anyone has
ever won a swimsuit contest based on how well they could
read from cue cards.
She then went back to the stage. "Ok, now, I lose, but we
will still continue the game, of course." She continued.
Then the circle in contestant number five disappeared.
"Ah!!!!" Reiko shouted.
"Arigatou, Reiko Asagiri. Please join again this contest
soon." The announcer said. Then the circle in contestant
number one disappeared.
This story could really use some pirates. Some solid
pillaging and raping and murdering action just might be
enough to make me boost my rating for his fic from -4 stars
all the way up to 0 stars.
"Ayayay!" Fei shouted.
"Arigatou, Fen Feiring. Please also join again here." The
Oh yeah, I bet they all can't wait to join up with this
humiliation extravaganza again.
Then the circle in contestant number nine followed.
"Ah!!!" Ruriko shouted.
"Arigatou, Ruriko Ikusawa. Please join again this contest."
The announcer said. Then the circle in contestant number
"Ah!!!" Kaoru shouted.
Funny how they all yell exactly the same thing, right down
to the number of exclamation points. If I didn't know
better, I'd say the author was just copying and pasting each
line over and over again, then simply changing the names.
But that would be outrageous.
"Arigatou for joining the contest, too, Kaoru Konoe. Please
join again." The announcer said.
"Wow, two are left! Who have the luck for winning this
contest? Megumi Kurogane? Or Mazuki Kawari? Let's see!"
Yes, please hurry and quell the maelstrom of emotions raging
inside of me due to the anticipation! I don't think the
wastebasket next to my desk can hold any more of my vomit!
The announcer said as she snapped her finger and the circle
in contestant number eight disappeared.
"Ah!!!!!!!" Megumi shouted.
So the original character who wasn't even in the first
two-thirds of the fanfic won. Nice.
"Arigatou, Megumi Kurogane for joining. Please join again
soon." The announcer said. "And now, we have a winner!" She
...I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach...
"Our winner for the most neat and beautiful swimsuit is Miss
Mazuki Kawari!! Thank you, too for joining the contest and
here's your price!" She said then someone handed her the
...Seriously, I need to lie down for awhile...
"Arigatou!" Mazuki said.
"Thank all of you for your time to watch and join the
contest! Sayonara!" The announcer said. Then the people then
went back to their places.
* * *
OH MY GOD! The... The scene actually ended! It's OVER! Never
in my entire life have I been so happy to see three
asterisks! Ah, this is a miracle! T-Thank you, Lord! THANK
"Omedetou!" Ruriko said as she shook hands with Mazuki.
"Arigatou!" Mazuki said.
"Anyway, what did you show during your show?" Ruriko then
That's a damn good question.
"I show? Ha! Ha! Ha! It's nothing." Mazuki answered.
And that's a damn lousy answer.
"Do you have a gate?" Ruriko asked again.
"A gate?" Mazuki asked. "Why do you asked then? And you, I
know that you also have a gate like me. And your gate is
'The Gate of Life', right?"
She's seen the show, too.
"No you're wrong!" Ruriko said.
"Then what gate is that!?" Mazuki then asked.
"Iie, I'm just kidding. You're right! My gate is 'The Gate
of Life'." Ruriko said.
Hahahaha! Oh, Ruriko. You little prankster! Telling people
you don't have a certain gate when you really do... Your
little practical jokes are so GOSH DARN adorable.
"Anyway, do you have any friends with you?" Ruriko then
"No. I don't have friends. I'm with my brother, my brother
who only adopted me." Mazuki said.
Mazuki: He just adopted me! That's it! We never did anything,
"You don't have friends? Then how come you became popular in
your school?" Ruriko then asked.
"I'm popular because of my gate. They always laugh at me,
and say that I'm a witch.
That's not being "popular", that's people thinking you're a
freak and making fun of you.
I'm alone in school, I have no friends in there. There are
only two people who understand me, of course, my brother.
And the other one is…Yukino Hojou. I don't know her fully
but she always comforts me. She's so kind. She is also the
one who told me that I had a gate, 'The Telekinesis Gate'.
She's always there when I need her. And Yukino, she told me
before that she met a young and beautiful lady with a kind
man in a mountain.
I bet Ruriko's really starting to regret striking up a
conversation with her about now...
Maybe it's you, the beautiful and young lady that Yukino
told me. But this time, I feel I'm lucky because I also know
many other people who have gate. No one will laugh at me
from now on. I'm not a witch. So then, if I'm a witch,
you're a witch too, of course!" Mazuki ended.
Ruriko: Hey! You're the witch, bitch!
"Hai! And don't worry, we're here." Ruriko said followed by
a giggle. "Come on, I'll introduce you to my friends." She
Ruriko: They're all freaks, too. You should get along fine.
"Hai!" Mazuki said.
"And I forgot to ask you, what's the name of your brother?"
Ruriko then asked.
"Oh my brother? He is one of the judges there, Shuu Kawari.
He's my brother."
So that's how she won! This whole damn thing was fixed!
Ruriko was very surprised. "You mean Shuu!?"
Shuu!? Hmm... I wonder if she means... uh... Shuu.
"Hai. Why? Do you know him?" Mazuki then asked.
"Hai, I met him here before." Ruriko said.
You know, so many writers are obsessed with explaining all
the subplots they introduce in their stories, it's
refreshing to encounter someone like Megumi2, who has enough
confidence in her readers that she trusts them to fill in
the blanks by themselves.
* * *
Then the last day…
"Hurry, let's have a race again, Bancho!" Kaoru requested.
"Yeah!" Bancho said. They both got
ready with Megumi watching them both. Then Kaoru and Bancho
started their race. Later, it was over.
I'd complain about the maddening lack of details, but I just
want this to end so badly it really doesn't matter anymore.
"Now, it's very clear that I won,
Bancho!" Kaoru mocked. But Bancho is just crying.
"Ahem!" Megumi shouted.
"Dushbano, Megumi-chan." Shun then asked.
Did he just call Megumi a douche bag?
"Nothing, I just want to remind you
about your promise, about treating us to Eight Waves, Splash
Island and to Enchanted Kingdom." Megumi answered. The other
girls then looked at Shun and nodded.
The joke's on them; those are all names of strip clubs.
"Hey, all of you didn't win the
contest! I said that I would treat all of you even if only
one of you won the contest!" Shun shouted. He then starts
This is symbolic of how Megumi2 approaches the
responsibility of proofreading her work.
"USOTSKI!!!!" All of the girls
shouted. Mazuki then giggled.
"Maybe this is my happiest life." She thought to her self.
As opposed to all those other lives that weren't so
Author's note: Please Read and Review. I hope you like my
fic. For me, it's nonsense.
Hey, funny thing about that...
I just want to write some fan fics
about summer. Hope you'll not flame it too. And the other
contestants of the contest are just extra for the story to
make it longer. I could have made it last longer I think.
Yeah, my one complaint with that contest scene is that it
just wasn't long enough.
I owned there, in the story are
Shuu and Mazuki Kawari and of course, the announcer. Sorry,
I just can't think of name, so I named her Doremi Fasola. He
he he. Anyway, please read and review. Thanx!
You want me to read d and review,
huh? Someone sure is a demanding bitch. Well, I read it (like
the damn fool that I am), so here comes the review:
First off, what the HELL was up with all the random Japanese!?
What exactly was your line of reasoning behind cramming every
other sentence full of arbitrary terms from a different language
and confusing the shit out of anyone who doesn't speak it?
Because that's really all the Japanese words in this fic
accomplished, you know. They didn't enhance the atmosphere or
make the story seem more authentic to the anime or whatever,
they just confused people.
Were you trying to impress everybody by showcasing your
familiarity with tiny fragments of a second language? Ho boy, I
sure was blown away by the dedication it must have took to set
aside ten minutes to browse through a Japanese-English
dictionary! Or maybe you just watched so many subtitled episodes
of this series that certain words became familiar after you
heard them enough, so you figured why not insert those words
into your fanfic repeatedly so that people will be too
baffled by what you wrote to properly hate it. Too bad you
failed SO HARD with that, because I didn't know what was going
on throughout most of that story, and I still hated it so much
that yesterday I thought about it while I was driving and I got
so angry that I rammed my car into the back of a school bus,
then got out and proceeded to beat the driver to death in front
of two dozen children under the age 9.
Another thing in your story that I can blame for my future heart
attack was the number of times you repeated yourself. Characters
would say something, and then you'd back that up over and over
again with another character's dialogue and/or pointless
narrative. For instance:
"And I forgot to ask you, what's the
name of your brother?" Ruriko then asked.
"Oh my brother? He is one of the judges there, Shuu Kawari. He's
You just stated that Shuu Kawhatshisface is that person's
brother, like, three times! Next time, you might want to
try something called "proofreading", where you go back and read
what you wrote to ensure it isn't so luridly awful that people
will wish they'd been stillborn once they read it. I know it
must sound like a radical concept that's far too fantastic to
work, but you should at least give it a shot at some point.
And don't even get me started on the way that some scenes
dragged on and on and on and on and on and on until I wanted to
end my own life by bathing in seal blood then sucker-punching a
sleeping polar bear just so the monotony of reading about these
stupid characters droning on about insipid bullshit would
stop. In the future, give your few surviving readers a break
and be more concise. Or, at the very least, don't take up over
six pages for some dumbass swimsuit contest where you repeat
almost identical lines of text no less than ten times and barely change the description of each
character. That part was so mind-numbingly boring it was
literally painful to read. I'm not even goddamn joking. Reading
through that scene caused me actual physical pain. If it
wasn't for my outstanding warrants, I'd drag your ass to court
for committing a hate crime against people with an IQ over 15 by
writing that! Goddamn that contest scene.
Well, that was my review. :-P ;-) I hope it helped! Thanx for a
super fun read and gl with your next ficcie! ^_^
Owari and Bye Bye! ^_~