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Episode 08: "Trust Can Be Misplaced"
(A 'Gundam Wing' fanfiction by Suetekh Seshat)


If someone were to ask me what the worst thing about fanfiction is, I'd have to say it's the fact that absolutely nothing is safe from its taint. Fanfics are frighteningly versatile weapons, able to ignore their target's merits and make it awful regardless of what it is or how undeserving of our hate it may have been originally. FanFiction.Net alone has categories for everything from anime to live-action television shows to books to video games to Broadway musicals to ancient myths, just to name a select few. And it isn't just fiction that fanfiction corrupts, ironically. Crazy as it may seem, other websites besides FF.Net offer pages where users can upload stories based on real-life celebrities (living AND dead) and historical events that actually took place. Take it from someone who has read most of a thirty-chapter epic poem describing Popeye the Sailor and the cast of Voltron helping Captain Kirk defeat Dracula before he can assassinate John F. Kennedy: there is nothing in our world or our minds that fanfiction cannot transform into a source of pain and misery.

That having been said, there are definitely some things that have been hit harder by the wrath of amateur writers than others. The anime series Gundam Wing, for example, has been a favorite victim among English-speaking members of the fanfiction community ever since it first aired on American television in 2000. To date, the series' characters have suffered more abuse online than a teenage webcam slut whose e-mail address got posted on Encyclopedia Dramatica. The male protagonists in GW are especially popular among yaoi authors, resulting in so many published stories about Heero dry-humping Duo while Quatre video tapes them and makes sexy comments that the episode guide booklet included with the first DVD volume is widely considered a pioneering work in gay literature.

Why these characters have spawned such a staggering amount of homoerotica isn't something I allow myself to contemplate for more than a few seconds at a time, mostly because my counselor said I should avoid obvious triggers for drinking. One conclusion I have reached, however, is that yaoi fans love dudes who look vaguely effeminate. It's almost as if they secretly hate themselves for being turned on by smut involving only men, so they fantasize about the most girlish of men as a kind of weird compromise with their subconscious. Or maybe it's just all written by women who are secretly lesbians and have some penis envy going on at the same time. I don't know.

In any case, I've decided to be kind and review one of the precious few GW fanfics on the internet in which all of the male cast members manage to refrain from making sweet, passionate, deliciously forbidden love to one another. I'm only being a little kind, though, because the story is still horrible beyond the limits of all reason.

The story I chose for today's evaluation is entitled "Trust Can Be Misplaced". The name of the author whom you'll soon come to blame for every problem in your life is Suetekh Seshat. Don't feel bad if you have trouble pronouncing that name aloud, since I'm pretty sure it's written in the language of some race of Lovecraftian demons that requires at least nine mouths and thirteen tongues to speak properly. Since there's really nothing else I can tell you about this fic without running the risk of spoiling a few of its more comically absurd plot twists, let's just jump right on in and get this over with.

 


 

I don't own nothing. Read.

Man, these disclaimers aren't even trying anymore.


"Trust"

"Trust is a very devious thing.

You never know where it will go and what it will bring.


Next on Oprah: "My teenage trust keeps bringing home strangers!"

Betrayed by those you never hated

All your trust is dissipated."


All your trust are belong to us!
 


Trust Can Be Misplaced
 

Play it safe and always leave a spare trust under the welcome mat in front of the door.


Duo stood with Hilde in their friend Heero's apartment. It was almost 2:20 AM and they were still talking. There was a light snow falling, but Duo knew it was fake.

Daffy Duck is on the roof dumping soap flakes in front of the window again.

Here on space Colony 246 they made all the snow in those large tanks stored on the colony roof. Hilde always commented on the flavor of the snow; it tasted like tap water.

Mexican tap water, that is. Which happens to be the story behind Colony 246's infamous "brown blizzard" season.

Hilde nudged his arm. "Duo, I'll be right back. I need eggs and I forgot my purse. See you in a few minutes," she said, disappearing into the apartment hallway.

Duo turned back to Heero. "I better go. She doesn't like walking alone," he said, taking his coat from the closet.

Heero grabbed his own. "I need milk. I'm going to go to the store."


I've never known anyone who goes shopping for one item at a time, much less at 2:20 in the morning. I guess "eggs" must be Hilde's codeword for tampons, and "milk" must be Heero's codeword for watching Hilde buy tampons.

Duo looked puzzled. "But there's a full carton on the counter."

Heero looked at it. "It expires tomorrow," was all he said before he disappeared into the darkness of the hallway.

One day you're fighting a war against an oppressive military alliance for the freedom of all mankind, the next day you're fighting to keep a steady supply of fresh milk. Life is funny like that.

Duo locked his friends' door and closed, then headed out to go find Hilde.

* * * * *

It was now almost 2:30 and Duo still couldn't find Hilde. He was getting worried; she never stayed out this late.


Hilde's late-run grocery speed runs usually have her back home inside of six minutes. Four if she doesn't bother to screw with coupons.

He desperately called out her name into the darkness and listened for a reply. Sure enough, a faint call came from a little ways down the street, by his friend Wufei's house.

Wufei: Son of a bitch, Duo! I'm trying to sleep! Shut your damn mouth!

Duo headed in that direction. He could hear her more clearly now, but she was talking to someone else. "Hilde?" he called. Duo decided to check out who Hilde was talking to. He creeped into the alley where her voice was coming from and looked around the corner. She was talking to someone, a male, from the sound of the voice, and she looked calm.

Duo felt profoundly foolish as he suddenly realized that Hilde had been going out to score some rock. No wonder she always winked at him and did the air quotes thing with her fingers when she told him she was going to "buy some eggs" in the middle of the night.

Duo went back to the main street and was about to yell her name again to see if she would come to him, when he heard a scream.

The scream was Duo's own brain shouting at him for having such a stupid idea.

Duo rushed back into the alley to find that Hilde was gone. He searched the surrounding area for traces of where she might have gone when he saw her shoe.

Then he saw her stockings, then her blouse, then her underwear... Uh-oh.

He pulled the shoe out from under a garbage bag. It was still being worn. Duo pushed the garbage bags off the leg and found a body. Duo felt the pulse, only to find the person was dead. He turned the body over and gasped at the face. It was Hilde.

That explains why the body was wearing her shoes. Why a Glasgow smile was cut into her face, however, is another mystery altogether...

She had a large, gaping wound in her abdomen. Duo struggled between dialing 911 and weeping for his girlfriend.

No more free home-cooked meals for Duo. Poor bastard.

The operator came on the other line.

"Hello, 911. What is the emergency?" the operator asked.

"This is Duo Maxwell. There's been a murder. My girlfriend...I found my girlfriend dead in a dumpster."


Duo: At least I think it's my girlfriend. Hold on, let me check again to make sure... Wait a minute, this is just a torn sleeping bag and some old stilettos someone threw out.

"Where are you sir?" the woman asked.

"Georgia Street, colony 246. I'm in the backalleys of the Casablanca apartments."


I've heard of the Casablanca apartment complex before. If memory serves, it's on Gone With the Wind Avenue next to the Ben-Hur drycleaners.

"We'll send an officer up there right now Mr. Maxwell."

"Thank you." Duo hung up the phone and cradled Hilde's limp body in his arms.

"Duo, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?" Quatre asked, hugging his friend.


Gah— Shit! Where the hell did he come from!?

Duo shook his head and felt his eye's water up again. "Quatre, you're a real pal. Go get some rest." Duo had been up since 2:34 talking to the police, and Quatre, Trowa and Heero had sat with him.

Apparently, after the war ended, the Gundam pilots all moved to the same street so they could stay in touch and preserve the tradition of their weekly group viewing of Sex and the City reruns.

Quatre looked weary, Trowa had black rings around his eyes, and Heero looked unmoved, although he had shed one tear earlier, when he had just learned what had happened.

Heero: First the milk expires, then a close friend gets murdered in some filthy back alley. *sniff* This is the worst birthday ever.

A policeman walked up to Duo again and sat down. "We've gathered the facts and so far the evidence we have is a boot mark, a piece of clothing, and a bloody sword, possibly oriental origin.

If it doesn't turn out that Duo has to avenge Hilde's death by taking down an underground crime syndicate that employs ninjas, then shame on Suetekh Seshat for getting my hopes up.

What we need you to do is get some rest Mr. Maxwell." The policeman squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and walked back to the detectives on the site.

Duo looked at Hilde's body once again, then lied on Quatre's shoulder and went to sleep.


Nothing will make you sleepy faster than surveying a loved one's corpse.

The next day Duo woke in Heero's apartment to the smell of burning eggs. He stood up and walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen. There, running around the kitchen, was Heero.

Aw, isn't that cute. Heero is trying to be Duo's replacement girlfriend. He's even wearing one of her skirts.

"This is something I never thought I'd see. Who would have thought the perfect soldier couldn't cook eggs," said Duo, leaning on the counter.

Heero glared at him. "Do you want to eat breakfast or do you want me to shove these eggs down your throat?" he asked, smiling mischievously.


Ah hell, maybe I jumped the gun promising this fic wouldn't have any overt homosexual content in it...

Duo suddenly remembered how Hilde used to say that when he made fun of her cooking, and he dropped to his knees and burst out in tears. Heero rushed forward and embraced his friend.

Nice work, man. Who would have thought that imitating things Duo's dead girlfriend used to do would remind Duo of his dead girlfriend.

"It's okay Duo. Everything's okay. Just let it out," Heero said, seating Duo in a seat.

"Heero, will you help me?" Duo asked, grabbing his friend by the arm.

"Help you do what?" Heero slowly asked, prying off Duo's fingers.


Call it insensitive if you want, but Heero is very right to be suspicious in this situation.

"Help me find out who killed her!" Duo said, his monotone voice rising into a yell.

Heero slapped his hand on Duo's mouth, shutting out his screams. "Duo, get a hold of yourself!" he said to Duo.


Heero: Jesus Christ, man! Hilde has been dead for almost TEN HOURS now! You can't mourn her forever, you need to get on with your life already.

Duo nodded. "I'm going to go down to the morgue to say goodbye to her. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Heero nodded, handing Duo his coat.


They both perked up awful damn quick there. I've seen people treat trips to the video store as more solemn events.

Duo walked down the frosty street, everything seeming colder. Hilde was everywhere, in store windows and walking along the street.

Ghost of Hilde: Murderer... Muuuurdereeeeer...

Duo: Get out of my head!!

Finally the Medical Examiners Office came into view.

Duo pushed open the door and headed for the basement, ignoring the doctors and cops who would tell him to go to the front desk.


No one made any real effort to stop him, of course, because main characters are granted special clearance that makes them exempt from routine security checks.

When he got to the examining room he looked at the names on the storage tables. Finally he found Schbeiker. He pulled it out and found Hilde, lying still and looking pale white. It made his eyes tear up, but he brushed them away.

He's not going to let himself get emotional, even though Hilde looks exactly the way she did the first time they made love.

"Hi babe. How 'ya doing?" he asked the corpse, looking at her face and brushing the hair out of her eyes.

Duo couldn't help himself and decided to mold her face into a wacky expression. Just a little something to give the autopsy technicians a laugh when they found her.

Duo started to sob uncontrollably, gripping her delicate hand like a child's. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the doctor appeared.

"Mr. Maxwell, would you like to see the peculiar markings that seem to be the cause of death?" the doctor said, putting his hand on Duo's shoulder.


He's weeping uncontrollably over his girlfriend's dead body, so yeah, naturally this would be a great time to show him the horrendous gaping wound that ended her life.

Duo nodded, stepping away from the table. He let the doctor pull the sheet back revealing the cut in her abdomen again. Duo looked at it closer and saw it didn't look like an accident.

Um, no shit? I guess Duo has been operating under the theory that she tripped and fell on a fucking sword that happened to be laying there in a random alley, then used her last ounce of strength to bury herself under a trash bag.

Although he wanted to look away from the awful sight, somehow he couldn't. "Tell me, how did this happen? Was it murder, or was it an accident?" Duo asked, turning to the doctor.

This is quite possibly the worst attempt at building dramatic tension I've ever seen in a piece of writing. Dancing around the insultingly obvious will not fill your readers with a sense of mystery and intrigue, Suetekh Seshat. Get your head out of your ass.

The doctor shook his head and pointed to the slashes. "This was obviously done by a sword. The skin parted away so easily; no human could have done this with anything but a sword. It seems the sword that was found on the murder scene was the actual murder weapon."

It required a team of highly-educated forensic scientists using the latest available technology to reach that conclusion. This is some CSI Miami shit right here, folks.

Duo covered her with the sheet again. "I'm going to do some investigating of my own doctor. Thank you."

"Anytime," the doctor said, walking to the sink.


Doctor: Don't be a stranger, now! I've got a couple corpses of burn victims I'd be happy to show you the next time you're in the neighborhood.

"By the way, doctor, would you mind not cutting her up. I'd like her buried whole."

The doctor nodded, giving him a look of sympathy. "I have to do some more work. Some of these murders are quite...disturbing. Would you mind stepping back, or at least putting on the facemask? The stench of death is quite strong here."


That doctor is about as adept at subtly as I am. Which is why I dropped out of medical school, FYI.

Duo grabbed his coat from the place it had fallen on the floor. "I was going to leave anyway.

He's got to get busy burning the hell out of that coat.

Thank you again, doctor." He opened the door and went upstairs, to the outside world to investigate.

* * * * *


And now, back to World's Most Retarded Criminal Investigators on truTV.

"I am so sorry Duo. If I had known sooner I would have been there." Even the normally inconsiderate Wufei seemed deeply affected by Hilde's death.

"Don't worry Wufei. You would have just gotten tired, like everyone else."


It really was quite inconsiderate of Hilde to get murdered so late at night.

"By the way, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?" Wufei got some tea from the kettle and offered it to Duo. Duo shook his head.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about the evidence. It seems they found an oriental sword on the scene. Where were you last night, Wufei?"


Notice how Duo cunningly approaches the subject from a neutral angle so as not to make it sound like a deliberate accusation.

Wufei looked taken aback. "You think I killed her. Why would you think that Duo? I'm The Justice Dragon. I do not do weak things like murder."

Well holy shit, Wufei! You're obviously the only person Duo knows who's into that oriental stuff, so excuuuuuse him for thinking maybe you were the killer. Awesome job being super oversensitive, douchebag!

Duo reached into his pack and pulled out the sword in an evidence bag. "Is this not yours, Wufei?" Duo asked, handing Wufei the sword.

"I had lost this a month ago. You can ask Quatre. He helped me find it, but it didn't turn up."


If the sword didn't turn up, then he didn't do much of a job helping you find it. OH WAIT COULD THIS BE A CLUE!?!?!

Duo looked around. "May I use your phone?" Wufei nodded and pointed to the bedroom. "Quatre's number is in the address book, under Winner."

Wufei: Your number is also in the address book, under Loser.

"Thanks." Duo headed to the bedroom and dialed Quatre's number. The Arabian boy answered.

"Hello, this is Quatre." Duo smiled at the sound of his friend's voice.


Quatre was a real friend, not like that underhanded Wufei who made the mistake of having a vague interest in the type of weapon that killed Duo's girlfriend whom he had no motive to harm. God I have such a raging headache right now.

"Hi Quatre. I need to know, did Wufei lose his sword a month ago?" Duo could see the boy thinking on the vidscreen of the videophone.

"Yes. I helped him look for it but it never turned up." The Arabian boy seemed satisfied by his answer.


Satisfied in a "rehearsing that line for so many weeks finally paid off" kind of way.

"Thanks Quatre. I'll talk to you again sometime, okay?" Duo hung up the phone and turned off the vidscreen, not bothering to wait for a goodbye.

Duo is a man on a mission. A mission fueled by revenge and so much coffee it gave him a tummy ache.

Duo put the sword back in his backpack and grabbed his coat. "I'll see you later. Bye Wu." Wufei seemed obviously annoyed by his friends' goodbye, but still smiled before he shut the door.

Wufei: Well, that's just great. I had the Scrabble board all set up and everything, but fuck it, I guess.

* * * * *

"That erases Wufei off the list," said Duo to himself, taking out a pencil and scratching out the Chinese boys' name.


Duo is purposely targeting his friends in order based on the inherent suspiciousness of their race.

"Next is Heero. Here we go." Duo saw his friends' apartment and headed up to the second floor.

I'm confused... When exactly was it established that Hilde's killer was someone they both knew?

He knocked on the door and Heero answered.

"Hi Duo. Back so soon?" Heero asked, inviting him in. Duo took off his coat and tossed it in the corner. Heero shut the door and locked it.

"Heero, I just got back from Wufei's. Seems the murder weapon was his. How did you get hold of Wufei's sword?" Duo asked, leaning forward and glaring straight into the slate-gray eyes of his friend. Heero just sat farther back in his chair.


He's not talking, better rough him up a bit and trash his place. Ah hell, just shoot 'em regardless. Better safe than sorry.

"You think I killed her? What is this all about? Are you drunk?" Heero seemed calm. Duo tried to pick out something that might suggest he was the murderer.

It's too bad that the police are so inept that private citizens have to do all the work solving crimes they've been affected by. As much as this sucks for Duo, imagine a frail old women who was mugged and assaulted going out and trying to enact justice on the punks who beat her.

"You must have put those 'perfect assassin' skills into effect, right? Killed her in cold blood. What did she do, take your gun?" Duo felt all his anger rising so that he almost shouted at Heero.

Unfortunately, it's beginning to look less and less likely that we'll ever be told what Heero even did to make himself a suspect in Duo's mind.

"Duo, call Cali. After you left my house I went to her house and invited her to go for a walk. I didn't go on a killing rampage."

Hell, six or seven people hardly counts as a "rampage"...

Duo took the old-fashioned phone off the hook and dialed Cali's number. The girl answered.

"Hi Cali. This is Duo. Could you confirm where Heero was last night?"


Cali: He was guest starring in some crappy fanfiction, I think. I remember he kept complaining about the economy.

The girl didn't hesitate with her answer. "Sure. Heero said you had gone to find Hilde so he took me for a walk. He had to get some milk at the store. A couple seconds after we walked out of the store he got a call on his cellphone and sped off without an explanation. I just headed home after that."

So Heero got a mysterious call on his cell phone before running off into the night without any explanation, and at no point did she bother to try and find out what was up? Man, this story has more holes in it than an Iraqi family's backyard. (Check it out, I'm using political humor!)

"Thanks. I'll talk to you later." Duo hung up the phone. "Heero, I'm really sorry man. I'll make it up to you later."

Yeah, buy him a beer sometime. That should make up for you calling him a malicious, cold-blooded predator of the innocent.

He left the house and ran to the bus station, not even waiting for Heero to say goodbye. Duo just barely caught the bus before it left, and waited for it to reach the circus.

Duo, you're on a case! Now is no time to enjoy the delightful merriment of toothless carnies running rigged ball-toss games and bearded women who'll give you a quickie for a bucket of caramel corn.

When it did he headed straight for Trowa's trailer. The boy was inside, so duo just walked right in. Trowa looked surprised to see him.

"This is a surprise. What can I do for you, Duo?" Trowa asked, putting down the plate he was washing. Duo showed Trowa the sword and set it on the table.


Oh, I get it. If he identifies the sword, then he's the killer. Let's just hope he's not some kind of criminal mastermind who would just lie about it or something ridiculously simple like that.

Trowa looked at it and sat down. "What is this all about, Duo?" he asked. Duo was about to ask Trowa about it when Catherine, Trowa's sister, burst in.

"Trowa, the cages weren't locked. The animals are everywhere. We need your help now!" she yelled, immediately turning and running back out.


That's a weird coincidence. I use that exact same excuse to get off the phone when my relatives call.

Trowa stood and headed for the door.

"Duo, I'll talk to you later. Gotta go!" Trowa ran out the door and disappeared into the crowd. Duo put the sword in his pack and headed out to the bus stop to get back into town where he would give the police back the sword.


Well, I can see that it obviously wasn't Trowa. I mean, with a concrete alibi like "Gotta go," you just know he's innocent.

As a side note, this seems like a good spot to once again point out that Duo is a really shitty detective.

* * * * *

Duo paid the woman the credits and boarded the shuttle. He sat in the seat and hooked his seatbelt as the spacecraft shot off into space on its trip to earth.


Having successfully burned ALL of his bridges on the Colonies, Due heads to earth for Phase 2 of Operation: Piss Off Everyone.

* * * * *

The sound of knocking echoed throughout the mansion Quatre owned. Duo hated coming here. He couldn't stand big houses. Quatre himself answered the door and looked surprised to see Duo on his doorstep.


Was Duo's name accidentally printed in the obituaries or something? Everyone he meets is practically shocked into having a heart attack when they first see him.

"Duo, I wasn't expecting you. Come in, come in," Quatre said, opening the door wider to grant passage. Duo stepped inside and carefully set his boots in the closet.

"Quatre, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's probably nothing, but I need to know. Did you...were you the one that murdered Hilde?" Duo looked squarely into Quatre's eyes.


Quatre: Yes. I mean, no, NO! Ah damn it, looks like you got me. You truly are a master in the art of interrogation.

Quatre looked puzzled. "Duo, why on earth would I kill Hilde? She was a very good friend of mine. I'm not like Heero or Wufei, with a need to kill people!" Quatre seemed angry at Duo, when Duo had done nothing at all.

I thought perhaps Duo was supposed to be acting strangely because of his grief over losing Hilde or whatever, but no, the author apparently thinks that bluntly asking people if they've committed horrific crimes is a totally normal thing to do.

Duo was confused at why Quatre was getting so mad.

"I'm sorry if I offended you, Quatre. I just wanted to know. By the way, do you have a phone?" Duo asked, looking around.


Despite his family's vast wealth, there's no guarantee that even Quatre was able to afford the elusive luxury of long-distance communication.

Quatre shook his head. "There's one in the back, by the kitchen." Duo stood and went to where Quatre had instructed him. Duo phoned up Relena to ask the same question he had been asking for the last 3 days.

I thought Hilde was killed the night before all this happened. Duo must have anticipated her impending death and began questioning people early.

Duo checked the line to make sure it was clear, then began dialing the number where he could find the former queen of earth. Relena answered in her usual cheery voice.

"Hi there, this is Relena's Adult Chat Live! If you'd like to hear me talk dirty for just $2.95 a minute, press one now..."

"Hello, this is Relena. How can I help you?"

Duo smiled to hear a cheery voice again. "Relena this is Duo. I was going to come to your house this afternoon. I...have to ask you something. Would that be alright?"


Relena: I just got off the phone with Heero. Is this about whether or not I killed your girlfriend?

Duo: Ummmm... No.

Relena said she would be happy to have him visit. After they talked for awhile, she said she had to go and they said goodbye. Almost immediately the phone rang and Duo instinctively answered it.

"Hello. You've reached the winner residence. Can I help you?" Duo asked, trying to mimic Quatre's secretary. It turned out to be the police, calling for Duo.


Wow, that must have been embarrassing.

"This is Duo. May I help you?" he asked.

"Mr. Maxwell, the oriental sword was taken from the evidence storage. We searched Wufei Changs' house and found nothing."

Duo looked around Quatre's house and saw a door marked 'STAY OUT.'


Well goddamn, that is literally the least suspicious thing ever.

Duo told the officer he had to go, but the officer stopped him.

Duo hung up, being far too preoccupied with his accidental discovery of Quatre's legendry reefer stash.

"Mr. Maxwell, we have reason to believe you are responsible for the murder of Hilde Schbeiker. You are under arrest."

I'm pretty sure you can't arrest someone over the phone. Make that a hundred percent positive, in fact. Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons is less hilariously incompetent than these guys.

Duo couldn't believe it. It was not possible that he would even consider killing Hilde. And besides, he knew he hadn't done it.

Good. At least that's ONE name he can confidently cross off the list of suspects.

"Your wrong, officer. I will prove it to you." Duo hung up the phone and headed for the blocked off door Quatre had put a sign on. He opened it and headed down the stairs that lay on the other side.

What Duo would find at the bottom would be more horrifying than he ever could have imagined... Boxes of Pokémon Cards. Thousands of them. Everywhere.

He was about to flick the light switch when he heard the door close. He turned around and came face to face with Quatre. Quatre was holding a gun up to his face.

Holy shit, Quatre is freakishly uptight about people going into his wine cellar without asking first.

"You shouldn't snoop in peoples houses. You might get caught," Quatre said, readying to fire. Duo couldn't believe it.

"Q-Man, why? Why did you kill her? Your one of my best friends!"


Duo: This is whack, Q-Man! We was all like the best'ah homies, you n' me. You know yo passe was welcome in mah crib anytime, dawg!

Duo said, trying to distract him. Quatre seemed unmoved but something distracted him behind Duo. Quatre shoved him out of the way and looked at the ground. When Quatre realized it was to late, Duo was already on the 5th floor looking for a phone. Quatre pursued him with the gun in hand.

I know sometimes a movie will skip around a bit if a reel was loaded into the projector incorrectly, but this is the first time I've seen something like that happen with text.

Duo was looking for the phone still when he saw a glint of metal. He opened the drawer more and saw the sword, perfectly clean and hidden.

You've gotta be kidding me... How the HELL did Quatre steal the sword from the police station on the Colony and make it back to earth in time to greet Duo? If I had a damn nickel for every plot hole in this story, I'd be writing this from inside my luxury yacht with a full crew of naked supermodels.

He took it out of the hiding place and un-sheathed it, just as Quatre walked in.

"So Quatre, back where we started. A friend betrayed by the one he trusted..."

Quatre scoffed. "Trust. What a quaint idea."


Wait, do you mean to say that that Duo's trust... was misplaced!? :O

Duo shook his head. "Why did you fight in the war if it was all just an act?"

"Did you ever ask why we fighted for the colonies, only to come home, well done, good job, but sorry old boy, everything you risked your life and limb for has changed."

Duo didn't understand. "It was the job we were chosen for."


Imagine the shock of getting back the results of your high school career aptitude test and seeing "renegade mobile suit-piloting freedom fighter" in the top spot.

"Of course you'd say that. Duo Maxwell, the best friend of everyone in the group. Our quaint little entourage."

Duo hid the sword father behind his back. "Oh please, Duo, put it away. It's insulting to think I haven't anticipated your every move," Quatre said, chuckling.


That part where Quatre sealed off a readily-visible door with a "STAY OUT!" sign even though there apparently wasn't any incriminating evidence behind it, botched a simple ambush, then confessed to Hilde's murder without provocation was aaaaall part of his brilliant master plan.

Duo put the sword down by his side. "What I don't understand is why you killed Hilde. What had she done to you?"

Pausing for a moment, Quatre looked at Duo with disgust. "You don't know your girlfriend very good Maxwell, or should I say, knew. She had taken something of mine and I merely wanted it back."


Quatre: You know that cashmere sweater with the floral print she always wore? Bitch "borrowed" it from me for a dinner date with you TWO YEARS ago!

"What did she take Quatre?" Duo asked, getting all he could out of the Arabian boy.

Dude, you've already got the confession, just let it go. No one cares why anyone did anything anymore. The readers' interest is as dead as Hilde.

"She took the most important thing, the thing that mattered the most. That menace took my pride. I merely wanted it back, and I got it."

Duo nodded. "How did she take your pride, Quatre?"


I sure hope this explanation doesn't involve too many Mojitos and the back of an old truck in an alley behind a nightclub.

"Once again you don't know much about your girlfriend. When we were fighting in the war, she brought the enemy's plans to our ship, correct? I was the one who fought Dorothy and almost got killed doing it. But did I get any recognition? NO!

That's the second dumbest reason anyone has ever done anything. The first being whatever Suetekh Seshat's motive was for writing this story.

By the way, I was thinking of killing your friend, Heero, but somehow I knew, I'd get caught."

And Heero was an obvious target for your wrath because...? Whoops, there I go again expecting some part of the plot to make sense. Silly me!

Duo nodded. "You've got that right. But still, murder wasn't the answer. You could have confronted her."

You should have used your words, dude.

Quatre shook his head. "No, she still had my pride. Besides, she didn't love you. She was just with you for food and a place to stay. It was all fake."

That got Duo.


You can murder his only love interest, frame his friends for the crime, and even taunt him at gunpoint, but don't EVER say Duo's woman was using him.

He lunged at Quatre, aiming to grab his neck, and squeezed it hard. Quatre gagged a couple times before he fought back. Duo and Quatre threw each other around the room, before Duo threw him against a cabinet. Quatre's breath left him in a hiss and he went limp. Duo headed over to check his pulse. Quatre was twitching so Duo kicked him down the stairs.

Nice. That'll teach the fucker to twitch.

He heard police pulling up in their cars and getting out. He ran down the stairs and dragged a bloody and battered Quatre up the stairs and leaned him on the window.

I'll give Duo this: he is incredibly thorough when it comes to beating the living shit out of someone. Samuel L. Jackson on PCP couldn't have delivered a more brutal ass-kicking.

"Why Quatre? I trusted you."

Quatre smiled. "Trust...trust...trust can be misplaced."


And there's the title drop. Awesome. Okay everybody, that's the highlight, let's all go home now.

Quatre looked exhausted.

"You killed my girlfriend and now you'll suffer the same fate." Duo punched him in the face until Quatre was bleeding from the nose and mouth.


Suetekh Seshat must have spent practically all of middle school having his lunch money stolen by a bully wearing a Quatre mask for him to have this much irrational hatred built up toward the character.

Then he stood him up and opened the 5th story window.

"See you in hell." Duo picked up Quatre and threw him as far as he would go out the window. Quatre screamed on the way down until he hit the ground and was silent. Duo looked down and saw Quatre looking at him. He turned to go but instead pulled the sword out again and threw it down. It pierced Quatre and his eyes lost focus.


Then a safe fell on Quatre, followed by a grand piano, followed by a flaming meteorite. As his remains slowly burned to a crisp, Duo threw a container of acid onto the corpse, then tossed what was left of the skeletal remains into a wood-chipper. The resulting white dust was then collected and thrown into a river of molten lava.

Now it was done.

Just then the police ran in and saw Duo looking out the window. They walked over and looked out. Then the officer turned with cuffs and put them on Duo's wrists.


Ironically, this is the murder they won't be able to convict Duo of in court because of some loophole his attorney found.

"Mr. Maxwell, you are under arrest for the murder of Hilde Schbeiker and Quatre Raberba Winner. You have the right to remain silent..." The officer finished reading him his rights, and then dragged him down the stairs and into the cop car headed for the station. Duo closed his eyes and smiled. "I'll see you soon Hilde," he said as the car lost control and ran off a cliff, plunging into the razor-sharp rocks below.

....

Huh. Either Duo figured out he was in the Matrix, or Suetekh finally came to grips with the fact that no one cared anymore and pretty much just gave up on the ending. If so, then congratulations to him on that one good decision he made.
 


Welp, I hope you all paid close attention to that fanfic, as it had a number of invaluable life lessons to teach its readers. I know I learned a lot! For starters, I now know that you should never trust the police for anything. Not only will they do virtually nothing to solve a crime, essentially forcing you to do it yourself if you want any sort of justice, but there's also a strong chance they'll whip around place the blame on you even if they lack a motive, witnesses, evidence, or anything else normally required by law to prosecute someone.

While we're on the subject of trust, let's not forget that you shouldn't bother to put any trust in your friends. No matter how well you think you know them, it's pretty much a guarantee that they will eventually betray you and kill someone you love for the most insane, preposterous reasons imaginable. The only upside is that they're likely to give themselves away through incredibly stupid mistakes, such as stealing back the murder weapon after it's been examined by the police and planting it in their own house for someone to find with minimal effort. Just don't trust them not to stick a gun in your face if you should come anywhere near solving their obvious crime.

You know, come to think of it, I think the underlying theme of "Trust Can Be Misplaced" is that you should never trust ANYONE under any circumstances. Least of all fanfiction authors.

Even though I feel like I could write a few thousand more words about how many facts this story got wrong and how recklessly it abandoned any trace of logic, part of me is just so damn relieved this wasn't a yaoi fic. Compared to some of those... My God. Let's just say it's kind of like being in a plane crash and watching all the members of your family get ripped apart in a jet engine after the siding of the cabin is peeled off by a rock ledge. Yeah, having one of your legs torn off still sucks, but somehow you can't get help but appreciate how much worse your fate could have been.

I suppose it's a pretty bad sign that I'll praise an utterly terrible story just because it didn't include any flowery similes for guys braiding each other's pubic hair after intercourse. That's all the indication I need to confirm that fanfiction has irreversibly screwed up the way I view the world... Let this be a warning to all who would follow me on this accursed journey through the foulest horrors of human creation: Don't.