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Episode 09: "Final Starburst"
(A 'Cowboy Bebop' fanfiction by Skittles)


As of today, you guys can no longer say that I never do you any favors. Am I offering free candy with this review? Sadly, no. I'm well aware that free candy is something my readers have been eagerly requesting for quite some time now, but you guys will have to hold on a little bit longer for that. On the bright side, if my contacts in central Cambodia come through for me, you folks at home should be enjoying crates full of caramelized scorpions by the time Episode #12 is out!

Since this site opened, I've had several requests from unnamed sources (probably terrorists) that I mock a Cowboy Bebop fanfiction. Being the gracious digital host that I am, I could only go so long before granting my precious readers' wish. I now patiently await the chance to reap the harvest of love I know will undoubtedly grow within the fields of satisfaction cultivated from the seeds of empathy I have planted in your souls of... spiritualness.

My search for a suitable Bebop fanfic was a short one, ending abruptly when I came across a fanfic with a description that read: "Spike, Faye and Jet go after a bounty." It was a bit vague to say the least, but I've never been a fan of stories with a lot of intricate details bogging everything down too early in the plot. Besides, within this straightforward premise existed a world of possibilities! Anticipating how exactly the events in this story would unfold, I felt like I was staring at a blank canvas, waiting with bated breath to see what kind of soul-stirring masterpiece the artist would paint before my eyes.

Then I noticed that the author's name was "Skittles" and suddenly I felt kind of sick to my stomach.

As it turned out, that initial blow was only the tip of the nauseating iceberg. You'll notice the title of the fanfic is "Final Starburst", which may or may not be a pun on the author's name. I'd say it was, except that would imply that this Skittles was clever enough to grasp the concept of wordplay, which I seriously, seriously doubt is the case. Not only was the story improperly formatted on the page I found it on, but it was colored in a shade of yellow so intensely bright that it resulted in my eyes shooting out of my head and ricocheting off of several pieces of furniture in my room before landing back in their sockets whenever I looked in the general direction of my monitor while the text was onscreen. Also, the background was purple with vertical pink stripes. After being forced to look at such an abominable color scheme long enough to gauge the quality of the fanfic, I wanted to run outside and stare at the sun through a pair of binoculars to give my eyes a chance to recover from the pain caused by viewing that webpage.

Thankfully, my suspicions that the story was the brainchild of a hyper, preteen fangirl were confirmed after reading only a few sentences. Final Starburst is a bewildering mess of a story with half a dozen different plotlines that go nowhere, eventually either hitting a brick wall or just being abandoned like so many orphan children in a Broadway musical. And that's only the first flaw on a long list of problems that add up to one of the most potentially dangerous applications of written language since Hitler wrote Mein Kampf and its sequel, Ich Geniesse Das Trinken Sperma.

 

If you're smart, you'll close this browser window right now. If you think I'm exaggerating or you're a tough guy who's got something to prove, then by all means please proceed to read my full review of the soon-to-be-infamous fic known as Final Starburst. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

By the way, this is the last time I ever do you guys a favor. Ever.

 


 

A/N: Hi there ppl. I hope you all enjoy mt story! This is my first CB fan-fic so sorry if it's not all that great. I thought of thise one night after watching a movie.

She saw the uncut version of Cannibal Holocaust and thought to herself, "You know what, I bet I could make something more repulsive than that..."

This fic is rated PG for some adult situations Nothing graphic but there is a little bit of Lemon Lime.

It's shockingly refreshing! (Or, in this case, just plain shocking.)

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

Final Starburst
The Cowboy Bebop fan-fic by Skittles.


Oh, so now it's THE Cowboy Bebop fanfic? Damn, that's quite an ego you've got there, Skittles.

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>


The Bebop slowly drifted through space. In the distence Spike Spiegel's Swordfish II raced toward it.

Spike: (over a loudspeeker) Am I cleared for landing.


In case you were wondering, a loudspeeker is a peeping Tom who makes a lot of noise.

Jet: You're all clear buddy.

Spike brought his ship into the docking bay of the Bebop and jumped out to greet his fellow bounty huntersfor the first time in a while.


Final Starburst: A Cowboy Bebop 10th Anniversary Reunion Special

Jet: It's about time you got back. What took you so long?

Faye: Welcome back to the Bebop. Now you can help us with this new bounty we're after.

Spike: Where's Ed?


Those are all basically unrelated topics. I think those lines are supposed to be from three separate scenes, and Skittles just forgot to put in her section break text art that looks sort of like an obese porcupine's ass cheeks.

Jet: Ed? Oh, probly off playing with Ein somewhere.

(They all walk toward the control room.)

Faye: So did you get everything on the list?


Spike: Yeah. I got milk, bread, Hot Pockets, and some Cool Ranch Doritos. Sorry Jet, they were out of the Spicy Nacho flavored ones.

Jet: Shit!

Spike: Hm. Enough supplies to last us for a month.

Jet: Good, it will be a long trip to catch this new bounty.

Spike: A slippery one, huh?

Faye: He sure is. Or so Ive heard.


Haha. Vague sexual innuendo.

Jet: I heard that to,. The police have'nt been able to catch him so far.

Man the; punctuation, errors in! this' story are ter'rible.,?

Spike: We need more info. Is he in the computer database?

Faye: Hold on 1 minute.


You couldn't just type "one" could you, Skittles.

(Faye presses some buttons on her computer.)

Faye: Here he is. Casio R. Wentworth.

Spike: What is he wanted for?


He's been selling bootleg calculators, wristwatches, cameras, and keyboards with really annoying demo songs. He also gutted a prostitute.

Jet: Somebody said he killed a cop.

Spike: Does that bother you?


Jet: Oddly enough, no. You'd think I'd be more upset at the concept of innocent people being massacred, but today I'm just eerily okay with it.

Jet: Let's just keep ourselves focussed on the bounty, ok.

Faye: Feeling bad huh Jet?

Jet; Ask spike, he's th e one who hasn't said anything about this guy

Spike: Well I'm not so sure about this one., it could be a trap.


WHY would it be a trap, huh Spike? Alright, yeah, the guy's name sounds fake as hell, but it's no more poorly-conceived than anything else in this insane story. We're three pages in and so far the plot hasn't really advanced beyond "Spike, Faye and Jet go after a bounty."

Faye: Don't be stupid. Its all good and every ting.

Jet: Besides we need the cash.


Poor Faye desperately needs those speech therapy classes.

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

(meanwhile Edward is playing with Ein)

Ed: Ein want to catch the ball?!

(Ein barks.)

Ein: Woof!


I believed you when you notified me via action parentheses that Ein barked, Skittles. You didn't need to offer further proof by having him shout "Woof!" You... You need to learn to trust me if we're going to make this work.

Ed: Ein go chase the ball! (She throws it)

Ein: Woof woof!


Lord knows I don't like to nitpick, but it always pisses me off when writers have animals pronounce the onomatopoeias of the sounds they make as dialogue. I guess... heheh... I guess you could say that's a... pet peeve of mine! HA!

(Ein runs after the ball and catches it just before it goes over a ledge.)

Ed: Ein lucky! That would be a very long drop. Ooo!! Ed wanders what is down there?


Maybe that's where Skittles ditched the plot?

(Ed goes over and looks over the edge. It is some kind of an engine room.)

Ed: Oooooh, Ed want to explore! Comeon, Ein! Yayayayaya!!!


I know Ed has an eccentric personality, but this is like coke fiend eccentric.

(Ed and Ein run down some stairs)

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>


Ugh. The humane thing to do would be to put that scene to sleep.

Back in the hangar Spike and Faye are having a meet about their plans for the next bounty.

Faye: We should go after this guy.

Spike: I agree.


Faye: Then it's decided. Meeting adjourned.

Faye: With a reward as big as his I cant believe no one has found him yet.

Spike: That just means he's good at hiding. That's all. We'll find him and colect the bounty ourselves.

Not without me you won't!


Aww, that's cute. The author wants to tag along.

Spike and Faye turn to see Jet walking into the room.

Jet: Planning to ditch me and collect the loot yourselves huh?


Finally, a worthy plot twist! Betrayal on the Bebop! Will the former partners come to blows!?

Spike; What no! (he panics) We--were---just---ah!

Jet: (laughing) I know you weren't. Just given you a bad time, that's all.


Oh. Well, you know what, I have no regrets. It was fun to pretend that something mildly interesting was going on for a few seconds there.

Faye: You should be an actor.

(They all laugh)


Yeah, this is exactly like an episode of Cowboy Bebop.

Spike: so you find out where this guy is?

Jet: The report I dug up said he was somewhere in sector 3.


Wow, way to NOT think of a really generic outer space location name, Skittles!

Faye: That's really near here.

Jet: Yeh but this aria is really dangerus to go looking for a Guy.


The spelling... It... It just keeps getting worse! At this rate, the last few paragraphs will look a stampede of cattle ran over a keyboard.

Faye: Almost to dangerus, don't you think. How could he survive out here for so long?

Spike: Maybe none found him because his was dead.

Faye:If that's the case then we probly wont find Hoim either.


Wait, who the hell is Hoim? I thought they were after that calculator guy.

Jet: So we're just gona give up then!?

Jet couldn't understand what he was hearing. His comrads normally didn't give up so easily. Especialy when there was so much money on the line.


Even one of her own characters is confused as to why Skittles thought that having seen a commercial for Cowboy Bebop would constitute enough research to write a story based on the show.

Jet: Hey c'mon guys! We need to get our act togtehr.

Spike: why are you so gung-ho all of a sudden?


Spike: Stop trying to act all in character, man. Just... Just let it go.

Jet: We need the money don't we?

Spike: Money isn't everything. Besides I don't want to risk getting killed in this dangerous area.


I mean damn, the author just nailed the characters' personalities in this fic! Seriously though, a less subtle change would have been if Faye was a teenage black kid, and Spike and Jet were two Eskimos who sold farm equipment.

Well wait until we get back to the planet and talk more. That Ok with you Faye?

Faye: Fine by me.

Spike and Faye then walked out of the room without another word.

Jet was wondering what was going on.


Not unlike the readers.

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

Meanwhile Ed was in the room with her dog Ein and they were looking for something that Ed had seen eailer.


Gotta love these vague scene introductions. "Some characters are in a place doing something. Got that imagined yet? Okay, here we go!"

Ein was sniffing around some pipes against the wall.

Ed: Silly Ein, let's go this way! So many rooms!


Ed's dialogue makes me want to kill something. Anything.

Ed and Ein came to a large valve on one of the pipes. Below it was a large red button that said "Steam control release"

Ed: Ooooooh, what does this button do?


If someone had walked up to me last week and told me that I'd be spending my next Friday night reading a Cowboy Bebop fanfic where the characters quoted lines from Dexter's Laboratory, I'd have said they were crazy. And once again, I would have been foolishly underestimating just how far the fanfiction community will go to screw with me.

(she presses the button)

Upstairs. Spike and Faye were the first ones to feel the ship tilt and shake.

Spike: Wow! What the heck is going on!?


Why would you bother to restrict yourself to using only PG language in a story based on a PG-13 anime series? Oh right, the idiocy...

Faye: Something's wrong!

In the hanger, Jet also felt the vibrations.


Jet was feelin' them gooood vibrations!

Jet: Whats going on!?! Something must be wrong with the engine!

All three of them ran to the engine room after that. They found Ed and ein scrambling for cover while steam filled the room.


The fact that the author apparently thought that a spaceship could be powered by steam ala 1830s-era locomotives is both precious and deeply unsettling. Skittles, if you're reading this, please never have children.

Spike: Ed what happened!

Ed: Ed was just playing around with dog ein and then there was the button and smoke came inand and. . .

Jet: Alight let's get you cleaned up. Come on up stairs and take a bath.


Yeah, never mind the fact that your damn spaceship is falling apart, just make sure the kid is sterile at all times. Since when did Jet suffer from OCD?

Spike: How are we going to fix this?!

Faye: I know a little about engine repaire. I can take a look at it.

Spike: Me too but can you FIX it.


Zing! Ha ha ha, they sure have fun don't they.

Faye gives Spike a dirty look.

Spike: Fine. I'll go upstaires.


Spike: Damn broad gettin' all up in my face, why I oughta— God! Listen up bitch, after you're done with the engine, get your sweet little ass in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

Spike was taking a break in the control room on the Bebop for a little break, when he heard the computer communication screen bleep.


Spike takes a well-deserved breather from his busy schedule of ordering people around and doing jack shit.

Spike: I wonder who would be trying to contact us out here? Hello, this is Spike.

Voice: Hi. I need some assistence! My ship is badly damaged. Can I please dock my ship on yours so I can repair it?


And another poor, unfortunate character is sucked into the horror of this fanfic...

Spike: You must be really brave or really stupid to be in a small ship like that out in this sector. (he sighs) Fine. Cmon in. I'll open the doors.

Well, as long as you know he's trustworthy! This is exactly how idiots wind up dead in horror movies.

......

 

Hooray!

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

In the hanger bay, a small blue ship pulled in and landed. Just then, Spike walked into the hanger followed by Jet and Faye.

Faye: Who is this guy anyway?

Spike: I don't know. He just said his ship was damaged and needed to dock somewhere so he could fix it.


He's probably gonna turn out to be a Mormon trying to get people to join his space-church or something.

Jet: his ship looks Okay to me. . .

(A man walks out of the ship.)


(And the theme song to Shaft kicks in. Just because.)

Man: Hi there. Thank you for leting me land here.

He was a tall man, wearing a grey cape and nice-looking cloths underneath. He was older, but not that old, and had beard and a large afro.


Hey cool, this is a continuation of that other fanfic I read where Bob Ross was cryogenically frozen and preserved into the far distant future to travel the cosmos painting its wonders.

Man: My name is Ray Niles. Who are you?

Spike: My name is Spike Spiegel and these are my associates Faye Valentine an Jet Black.


Spike: Between the three of us, there is no kitchen appliance that cannot be repaired! ...Except toasters and microwaves.

Ray: Nice to meet you. Do you have any tools I can use to fix my ship?

Jet: What's wrong with it?

Ray: Oh. . . It's the um . . steering. Been drifting all over space y'know.


Yep, that's space for ya. Skittles probably thinks flying a spaceship is like driving a go-kart, except with more spectacular explosions when you crash.

Spike: Yeah, we got some tools in the back. I'll grab them.

Jet: So what brings you to this part of space. It's prety dangerous, you know?


"Sector 3" is like the Compton of outer space. You don't want to be flying around out there after dark... Which, unfortunately, is all the time when you're in space.

Ray: I know that. I'm a refugee from a nearby planet. I was sent to gather supplies for my people but I'm afraid I got lost along the way.

How do you get lost in... Never mind.

Jet: You gota be more careful out here partener.

Ray: Yeah, once I get my ship fixed i'll get back on course. . . and be *very* careful.


What is this, fuckin' Sesame Street? Thank you for that little public service sketch, Skittles, but I'm not such a moron that I need some F-grade Cowboy Bebop fanfiction to teach me valuable life lessons about responsibility.

Faye: I have to get back to the engine, See you later.

(Faye and Jet start to walk out)

Jet: (whispers) I don't trust that guy.


I hear you, Jet. I haven't trusted anyone with an afro since Gene Shalit's questionable reviewing practices led me to waste another $9 at one bad movie too many.

Everyone knew Jet wasn't the most trusting guy you could know but this time faye thought he was right. There was something about this man she didn't like but try as she might she couldn't put her fingur on it.

What, a supposed "refugee" with a preposterous story as to why he's floating around in the middle of space wants free run of your ship and you're all suspicious? Now that's what I call paranoid.

Faye: That's right you'd better keep an eye on him.

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>


This story keeps directing my attention to either side of the monitor, but there's nothing out of the ordinary that I can see. Maybe it thinks it's time I upgraded my speakers?

Later Spike gave Ray the tools he needed and left him to fix his ship. It had been a long day and all Spike wanted to do was take a hot bath, but then he remembered Ed was still in there cleaning up so he decided to go to the control room and watch a little TV.

Spike: Think I'll head for the control room and watch a little TV.


If I didn't know better, I'd say Spike was on his way to the control room to watch a little TV.

(He walks into the room to find Jet on the computer)

Jet: Yo, Spike. You should see this. I checked out the file on that Ray Niles guy and there's nothing on him.

Spike: Really? Nothing at all.


Jet: Dude, I checked MySpace and Facebook. Nothing.

Jet: Actualy I lied. There is something her but it's not what you'd expect. Ray Niles is the name of a shuttle pilot for the earth's sector.

Spike: That's a ways away from here.

Jet: That's not all. Ray Niles died 40 years ago!


OOOH! OH GOD MY HEART!! HOLY— Aaaarrrgghh! Oh... Oh my God.... Sorry about that, folks. The shock of seeing Skittles resort to such a clichéd plot twist almost killed me.

After a moment of silence Spike was about to ask Jet if the file info could be trusted but he never got the chance. Without warning the ship started to shake like crazy and censors went off in the room.

This fanfic must have been dubbed by 4Kids! Eh, the One Piece fans might think it's funny...

Spike; What the heck is all this now!??

Jet: I was afraid of this! (he races for the control pannel) We're in a very dangerous sector where the planets are old.


When the planets get old they get cranky, and sometimes they throw stuff at passing ships and scream at them to get off of their lawn.

You know what happens to planets when they get old don't you?

Spike: They die out?

Jet: Exactly but the don't just die they explode, its called a Super Nova!


Holy somersaulting Moses in a 1978 Ford Fiesta! That is not how supernovas work at all! That isn't even remotely near being correct. First off, planets don't explode like that, stars do. Second, holy shit! That doesn't— How could you even... just... Goddamn! This is why public schools are a bad idea, people!

Spike: you mean the planet is exploding!?!? How're we going to get past this!

Very carefully, said Jet, getting ready to take manuel control of the ship.


Yeah, you do that, Jet. Fly out of the radius of an explosion that encompasses the entire fucking galaxy it takes place in. Just use teleportation or magic or whatever you need because Skittles is an imbecile who obviously flunked science as hard as she did English!

Just then there was another powerful explosion that rocked the ship hard. When it hit Faye was in the engine room.

Faye: Aaah! what's going on!?!? (she hits her head and passes out)


Man, I wish that could've been me. Unconsciousness sounds like paradise right now...

(Ed is in the bathtub w/ Ein)

Ed: (screams) Something is wrong!! So bumpy!


Ed discovers a very embarrassing rash.

Ein: Roof!

Meanwhile Mr. Niles was walking around the ship.

Ray: (falls over becase of the shaking) Arg, damn pilots! Don't they know how to navigate their own ship!?!?!


Pssh, this coming from the guy who totaled his own ship and had to be rescued like a little tiny baby piloting a baby... ship... that's actually a crib... made for babies. Because he's a baby.

I've got to hurry up (he runs off)

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

(Back in the control room)


Jet: ...And that's how time travel works.

Spike: Hm. Interesting.

Jet: This is soo hard! Its like the controls are fighting me just to go strahte!

Spike: Keep it up old buddy, you're this ships only hope!


Since it's unthinkable that the other two people on board capable of piloting it would be of any use.

Jet: Spike, I need you to do something for me,

(Another explosion rocks the ship)


Then KISS arrives unexpectedly and shows that ship how to really rock!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! Spike quick go get the disk with the map of this sectr on it and load it into the ships memeory. Maybe the autopilot will kick and we can get through this.

Okay, so they had a map of the sector all along. Skittles, are you familiar with the term "deus ex machina"? What am I thinking, of course you're not.

Spike: Ill get it up I don't now where it is.

Jet: Ask Faye. she keeps track of all that stuff.

Spike: Gotcha and don't you lets us die now yahear! (Spike runs off to go get the disk)

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

In the engine room, Faye is just waking up. She is in the arms of someone.


Someone with no pants on.

Faye: Who is. . . Who is there?

Ray: (holding faye and grinning like mad) Good morning sunshine.


Being cradled in the arms of a madman who either thinks you're his girlfriend or is planning to murder you... That's what every woman dreams of waking up to, I'm sure.

Faye: Oh its you Ray. . . What happened. My head hurts and i can't remember anything.

Ray: You were fixing the ship's engine. but you seem tired. Why don't you take a brek so that we can PLAY! (he pulls off the mask showing. . . Vicious)


OMGWTFAARP!?!?!!?!??

Faye: (gasps in horror) Vicious!? How did you track us down! We thought you were dead!

Since Skittles has shown her knowledge of science rivals that of a hamster's, I'm guessing this is an evil cyborg constructed using Vicious' DNA, black magic, and Lincoln Logs.

Vicious: Finding you was simple enough. You all leave trailes WAY to easy to follow.

Faye: I should know it was a trap! But I'm glad you're hear because now I can kill you!!

Vicious; not gona happen sweetheart.

Suddnely his grip on her tightened as he smiles evily and licks his lips.


I'm really starting to wonder what kind of freaky-ass movie inspired Skittles to write this...

Faye: (trying to get free) No! I won't let you kill Spike!

Vicious: Who said I wanted him. The one I really want . is . you.


Aww, Vicious always says the sweetest things.

Faye: What!? You mean you don't want Spike to die?

Vicious: Actually I dont care about him. Faye, Ive always felt something for you. Like we could be specal together. I love you, Faye Valentine.


For God's sake. This is like writing a Mama's Family fanfiction where Vicki Lawrence's character is a ninja who kills people using vacuum bags and pie tins. Actually, this is like the opposite of that, because what I just described would be awesome.

Faye: Get away from me You're crazy!

Vicious: Don't fight it any more faye! You know we were meant to be together!!

Faye: No, let go of me!

(Then vicious slips his hand down Faye's shorts)


Vicious: Sorry about this, I just have to check for a penis real quick before we make anything official. I've had a couple of previous relationships end with... bad surprises.

Faye: (her eyes bulg out) No . no get away!!

Vicious: Feels good don't it sweetheart. My hand against your pussy.


Well shit, you read my mind Skittles! A rape scene is just what this fanfiction needed to make me love it more.

Faye: no stop don't talk like that!

Vicious: I'm gona keep doing it babydoll!


Babydoll? I don't remember Vicious dropping vernacular used by 1930s mob bosses...

Faye: Oh . . . Oh god yes.

Vicious: See? Its good once you get used to it.

Faye: (Pushes herself down on his hand) Oh harder, harder! Viiicious!


Now she's enjoying it!? This is sending a really bad message to children and rapists everywhere.

Vicious: Yeah it feels great huh? I love you so much Faye!

AS Vicious is fingering Faye. Faye grabs a pipe over his head and used it to pull herself up. When shes was at the right height she uses her leg to kick hi as hard as she can.


Woohoo, alright Faye! Kick his sexual predator ass!

Vicious: Aaarghhgggaaghttt!!

That was bizarre.

Faye: You need to learn that no means no!

Vicious: (standing up he then punches her so hard she flies back and hits her head ona metal door) You bitch!


Fucking OUCH! God, Skittles, you're a horrible person!

Faye: (holding her head) Aaahha oh god it hurts so much!

Grabbing Faye, Vicious punches her a few more times.


I like where this is going. I hope he kills her and rapes her dead body, since I'm betting that will be enough to finally convince me to blow my brains out and end the perpetual nightmare that is my life.

Vicious : You are my property bitch! You wont get away from me again!

Spike: Put her down! NOW.

Vicious looked up to see both Spike and jet in the doorway with their guns poinited right at his face.


YES! That was actually pretty lame as far as heroic introductions go, but given the circumstances, I'm happy enough seeing that scene cut short that I jumped up and knocked my chair over.

Vicious: But how!! How did you find me!

Spike: I was going to get the map disk when I came accross this room and found you doing some very ungentelmanly things with Faye. I got my gun and Jet and now we're here TO KICK YOU ASS!


Thanks for that informative exposition, Spike! When most people interrupt a violent rape, they don't bother taking the time to explain the series of events that led to their arrival.

Vicious: you'll never get your filthy hands on me!

(Spike and Jet shoot at him but he gets away)


They couldn't shoot him when he was, what, two or three yards away from them? Why do Spike and Jet suddenly have the marksmanship of a Batman villain's henchmen?

Jet: after him!

Spike: You take care of Faye, I'll get that guy!

Spike ran down a long hallway of of the engine room when he was ambusged by Vicious.


Man, I hate it when people ambusge you. That's like a harder form of nipple-pinching, right?

Luckily Spike knew he was there so he rolled out of the way. Vicious jumped up and grabbed his thraot but Spike punched him in the gut and jumped back. Vicious then lunged for him but Spike again rolled out of the way and when Vicious had he head turned Spike grabbed him and pulled him over then he used the back of his gun to hit him in the face over and over again.

That made about as much sense as one of Gwen Stefani's music videos, and was, astoundingly, somehow even less entertaining.

Spike then panicked cause he thought he might have hit the man too hard. His face was coming off! !

Spike: Oh shit, I pistol-whipped his head in half!

Then Spike realized that it wasn't his face at all.

Spike: Hold on here. . . This guy is wearing a mask! (Spike pulls off the mask) Who in the world could this guy be?

Faye: That is Casio R. Wentworth.


Hold up, fanfic! Is this shit serious!? Your shocking twist ending is that a potential bounty dressed up as Vicious dressed up as a refugee so he could infiltrate the ship of the very people trying to capture him just so he could have an opportunity to finger-rape Faye?

Spike: Faye! You're okay?

Faye: Yea I'm alright. That guy is Casio, an old flame of mine. I left him because he got too possesive.


Seriously, fanfic!?! This is really the route you want to take!? As pissed off as I am right now, you sure you want to pull this shit!?

Jet: Looks like he still thought you beloned to him.

Spike: Wait! Casio wentworth is the guy we were after!

Faye: That's right. I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't want to go after him because I was afraid he'd do something like this if he got too close to me again.


This is just lunacy at this point. If this fic was a movie I had paid money to see, now would be about the time when I'd yell "Fire!" to empty the theater, then murder an usher and prop his corpse up against the screen as a way of warning the crowd for the next showtime.

Spike: I understand. This sure does save us some serius trouble though!

Faye: ......

Spike: ...Oh, right, yeah, sorry about you getting... y'know, molested and, uh, severely beaten like that. You want us to pick up something for dinner tonight?

<<<<<<<<<=>>>>>>>>>

Later, Wentworth is tied up and everyone is in the control room.

Jet: I'll sure be glad to get outa this sector.

Spike: I hear you. It's been a nightmare that almost cost us our lives.


Speaking of which! What the hell happened to the subplot with the mystifying exploding planets? I swear, the next plot twist better be that they're all ghosts.

Faye: What did you guys have to go through huh? I was the one stuck down in the egine room getting felt up by Vicious.

Except it wasn't Vicious. Pay attention, damn it!

Spike: I guess you're right Faye. We should give you more credit

Faye: . . . Uh really?


Faye: Wow! I'm not used to you guys treating me like an actual human being like this.

Jet: Sure. You did good Faye. Take a rest.

Faye: (she smiles at both of them) Yes. I do deserve a rest. Thanks you two.


This is a touching moment. Like getting a Hallmark card from an old friend while you're in the hospital after your family is murdered in front of you and you fall off the top of a skyscraper onto a flagpole anus-first.

Just then Ed stumbles into the room with Ein looking dazzed. She hit her head in the tub eailer and was still a little groggy. She wasn't wearing anything except she had a towel around her waste.

Ed: What happened. . . out here?

Spike: Holy crap! We forgot all about Ed! Are you okay Ed?


Oh my gosh, Spike actually said a swear word! Golly willikers! I'm tellin' Grandma!

Ed: Ed thinks so. but head hurts so much.

Ed was so groggy she didn't notice right away when her towel sliped too the floor. But a bark came from Ein reminding her to cover her young hairless privates.


For— WHY!?! Why won't you LET THE HORROR END, Skittles!?

Ed: ah! Ed is soooo embarrassed! (she runs out of the room yelling)

Spike, jet and faye had a good laugh over that one.


You know what's really funny? I was actually thinking this fic might be over before we got a chance to read any of about Ed's prepubescent privates. Fortunately, such a fate was narrowly averted thanks to the offensive writing styles of the literary terrorist known as Skittles. Thanks, God!

The Bebop continued to float off into space. The crew would soonget the bounty for Casio Wentworth and be a little richer. But they knew that a bounty hunter's job is never.

....Never what? That's not even a complete sentence. I guess it's fitting, though, because this isn't even a complete story. It's more like a government training tool given to soldiers so that they'll no longer be afraid of death.

The End.
 


Alright, so that was a lot of agonizing fanfiction to absorb all at once, and some of you my have instinctively shut down parts of your brain while reading it as a way of shielding yourself from the most horrendous details. Perfectly understandable. Still, I'd hate for a story that astoundingly bad to go to waste, so let's just take a moment and go over a quick checklist to remind us of all the wonderful things that Final Starburst had to offer its readers:
 

bullet A poorly constructed, directionless, and totally illogical plotline? Check!
 
bullet Glaringly obvious spelling and punctuation errors? Big check!
 
bullet Plot points that relied on laughably inaccurate scientific facts? Biiiiiiig check!
 
bullet Completely warped and unfaithfully represented personalities for the entire cast? Gigantic, towering, utterly colossal check!
 
bullet Creepy, tasteless sexual content that was completely irrelevant to the story? Absolutely gargantuan check so impossibly enormous that it blocks out the sun and plunges the world into a second ice age, effectively ending human civilization!


Wow. That fanfic contained just about every element of bad storytelling you could ask for, and then some. Talk about getting your shit-cake and eating it, too! Any one of the aforementioned writing flaws would have done the job of mentally scarring the readers sufficiently enough, but this fic just kept on dishing the pain until it was damn sure that anyone foolish enough to read its entirety would have nightmares about it for years to come. That, my friends, is what I call dedication.

Congratulations, Skittles. In building this digital monument of terror and godlessness, you've managed to accomplish what few authors have been able to and devised a story so unrelentingly horrible it that disturbed even me. For your prize, I'll be sure to get your fax number and send you a signed picture of me giving you the finger, just like you metaphorically gave me and every other Cowboy Bebop fan on the planet by writing this abomination.