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Episode 09: "Final Starburst"
(A 'Cowboy Bebop' fanfiction by
As of today, you guys can no longer say that I never do
you any favors. Am I offering free candy with this review?
Sadly, no. I'm well aware that free candy is something my
readers have been eagerly requesting for quite some time
now, but you guys will have to hold on a little bit longer
for that. On the bright side, if my contacts in central
Cambodia come through for me, you folks at home should be
enjoying crates full of caramelized scorpions by the time
Episode #12 is out!
Since this site opened, I've had several requests from
unnamed sources (probably terrorists) that I mock a
Cowboy Bebop fanfiction. Being the gracious digital host
that I am, I could only go so long before granting my
precious readers' wish. I now patiently await the chance to
reap the harvest of love I know will undoubtedly grow within
the fields of satisfaction cultivated from the seeds of
empathy I have planted in your souls of... spiritualness.
My search for a suitable Bebop fanfic was a short
one, ending abruptly when I came across a fanfic with a
description that read: "Spike, Faye and Jet go after a
bounty." It was a bit vague to say the least, but I've never
been a fan of stories with a lot of intricate details
bogging everything down too early in the plot. Besides,
within this straightforward premise existed a world of
possibilities! Anticipating how exactly the events in this
story would unfold, I felt like I was staring at a blank
canvas, waiting with bated breath to see what kind of
soul-stirring masterpiece the artist would paint before my
Then I noticed that the author's name was "Skittles" and
suddenly I felt kind of sick to my stomach.
As it turned out, that initial blow was only the tip of the
nauseating iceberg. You'll notice the title of the fanfic is
"Final Starburst", which may or may not be a pun on the
author's name. I'd say it was, except that would imply that
this Skittles was clever enough to grasp the concept of
wordplay, which I seriously, seriously doubt is the
case. Not only was the story improperly formatted on the
page I found it on, but it was colored in a shade of yellow
so intensely bright that it resulted in my eyes shooting out
of my head and ricocheting off of several pieces of
furniture in my room before landing back in their sockets
whenever I looked in the general direction of my monitor
while the text was onscreen. Also, the background was purple
with vertical pink stripes. After being forced to look at
such an abominable color scheme long enough to gauge the
quality of the fanfic, I wanted to run outside and stare at
the sun through a pair of binoculars to give my eyes a
chance to recover from the pain caused by viewing that
Thankfully, my suspicions that the story was the brainchild
of a hyper, preteen fangirl were confirmed after reading
only a few sentences. Final Starburst is a bewildering mess
of a story with half a dozen different plotlines that go
nowhere, eventually either hitting a brick wall or just
being abandoned like so many orphan children in a Broadway
musical. And that's only the first flaw on a long list of
problems that add up to one of the most potentially
dangerous applications of written language since Hitler
wrote Mein Kampf and its sequel, Ich Geniesse Das
If you're smart, you'll close this browser window right now.
If you think I'm exaggerating or you're a tough guy who's got
something to prove, then by all means please proceed to read my
full review of the soon-to-be-infamous fic known as Final
Starburst. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
By the way, this is the last time I ever do you guys a favor.
A/N: Hi there ppl. I hope you all
enjoy mt story! This is my first CB fan-fic so sorry if it's
not all that great. I thought of thise one night after
watching a movie.
She saw the uncut version of Cannibal Holocaust and
thought to herself, "You know what, I bet I could make
something more repulsive than that..."
This fic is rated PG for some adult
situations Nothing graphic but there is a little bit of
It's shockingly refreshing! (Or, in this case, just plain
The Cowboy Bebop fan-fic by Skittles.
Oh, so now it's THE Cowboy Bebop fanfic? Damn, that's
quite an ego you've got there, Skittles.
The Bebop slowly drifted through space. In the distence
Spike Spiegel's Swordfish II raced toward it.
Spike: (over a loudspeeker) Am I cleared for landing.
In case you were wondering, a loudspeeker is a peeping Tom who makes a lot of noise.
Jet: You're all clear buddy.
Spike brought his ship into the docking bay of the Bebop and
jumped out to greet his fellow bounty huntersfor the first
time in a while.
Final Starburst: A Cowboy Bebop 10th Anniversary Reunion Special
Jet: It's about time you got back.
What took you so long?
Faye: Welcome back to the Bebop. Now you can help us with
this new bounty we're after.
Spike: Where's Ed?
Those are all basically unrelated topics. I think those
lines are supposed to be from three separate scenes, and
Skittles just forgot to put in her section break text art
that looks sort of like an obese porcupine's ass cheeks.
Jet: Ed? Oh, probly off playing
with Ein somewhere.
(They all walk toward the control room.)
Faye: So did you get everything on the list?
Spike: Yeah. I got milk, bread, Hot Pockets, and some Cool
Ranch Doritos. Sorry Jet, they were out of the Spicy Nacho
Spike: Hm. Enough supplies to last
us for a month.
Jet: Good, it will be a long trip to catch this new bounty.
Spike: A slippery one, huh?
Faye: He sure is. Or so Ive heard.
Haha. Vague sexual innuendo.
Jet: I heard that to,. The police
have'nt been able to catch him so far.
Man the; punctuation, errors in! this' story are ter'rible.,?
Spike: We need more info. Is he in the computer database?
Faye: Hold on 1 minute.
You couldn't just type "one" could you, Skittles.
(Faye presses some buttons on her computer.)
Faye: Here he is. Casio R. Wentworth.
Spike: What is he wanted for?
He's been selling bootleg calculators, wristwatches,
cameras, and keyboards with really annoying demo songs. He
also gutted a prostitute.
Jet: Somebody said he killed a cop.
Spike: Does that bother you?
Jet: Oddly enough, no. You'd think I'd be more upset at the
concept of innocent people being massacred, but today I'm
just eerily okay with it.
Jet: Let's just keep ourselves focussed on the bounty, ok.
Faye: Feeling bad huh Jet?
Jet; Ask spike, he's th e one who hasn't said anything about
Spike: Well I'm not so sure about this one., it could be a
WHY would it be a trap, huh Spike? Alright, yeah, the guy's
name sounds fake as hell, but it's no more poorly-conceived
than anything else in this insane story. We're three pages
in and so far the plot hasn't really advanced beyond "Spike,
Faye and Jet go after a bounty."
Faye: Don't be stupid. Its all good and every ting.
Jet: Besides we need the cash.
Poor Faye desperately needs those speech therapy classes.
(meanwhile Edward is playing with Ein)
Ed: Ein want to catch the ball?!
I believed you when you notified me via action parentheses
that Ein barked, Skittles. You didn't need to offer further
proof by having him shout "Woof!" You... You need to learn
to trust me if we're going to make this work.
Ed: Ein go chase the ball! (She throws it)
Ein: Woof woof!
Lord knows I don't like to nitpick, but it always pisses me
off when writers have animals pronounce the onomatopoeias of
the sounds they make as dialogue. I guess... heheh... I guess you could
say that's a... pet peeve of mine! HA!
(Ein runs after the ball and catches it just before it goes
over a ledge.)
Ed: Ein lucky! That would be a very long drop. Ooo!! Ed
wanders what is down there?
Maybe that's where Skittles ditched the plot?
(Ed goes over and looks over the edge. It is some kind of an
Ed: Oooooh, Ed want to explore! Comeon, Ein! Yayayayaya!!!
I know Ed has an eccentric personality, but this is like
coke fiend eccentric.
(Ed and Ein run down some stairs)
Ugh. The humane thing to do would be to put that scene to
Back in the hangar Spike and Faye are having a meet about
their plans for the next bounty.
Faye: We should go after this guy.
Spike: I agree.
Faye: Then it's decided. Meeting adjourned.
Faye: With a reward as big as his I cant believe no one has
found him yet.
Spike: That just means he's good at hiding. That's all.
We'll find him and colect the bounty ourselves.
Not without me you won't!
Aww, that's cute. The author wants to tag along.
Spike and Faye turn to see Jet walking into the room.
Jet: Planning to ditch me and collect the loot yourselves
Finally, a worthy plot twist! Betrayal on the Bebop! Will
the former partners come to blows!?
Spike; What no! (he panics) We--were---just---ah!
Jet: (laughing) I know you weren't. Just given you a bad
time, that's all.
Oh. Well, you know what, I have no regrets. It was fun to
pretend that something mildly interesting was going on for a
few seconds there.
Faye: You should be an actor.
(They all laugh)
Yeah, this is exactly like an episode of Cowboy Bebop.
Spike: so you find out where this guy is?
Jet: The report I dug up said he was somewhere in sector 3.
Wow, way to NOT think of a really generic outer space
location name, Skittles!
Faye: That's really near here.
Jet: Yeh but this aria is really dangerus to go looking for
The spelling... It... It just keeps getting worse! At this
rate, the last few paragraphs will look a stampede of cattle
ran over a keyboard.
Faye: Almost to dangerus, don't you think. How could he
survive out here for so long?
Spike: Maybe none found him because his was dead.
Faye:If that's the case then we probly wont find Hoim
Wait, who the hell is Hoim? I thought they were after that
Jet: So we're just gona give up then!?
Jet couldn't understand what he was hearing. His comrads
normally didn't give up so easily. Especialy when there was
so much money on the line.
Even one of her own characters is confused as to why
Skittles thought that having seen a commercial for Cowboy
Bebop would constitute enough research to write a story
based on the show.
Jet: Hey c'mon guys! We need to get our act togtehr.
Spike: why are you so gung-ho all of a sudden?
Spike: Stop trying to act all in character, man. Just...
Just let it go.
Jet: We need the money don't we?
Spike: Money isn't everything. Besides I don't want to risk
getting killed in this dangerous area.
I mean damn, the author just nailed the characters' personalities in this fic! Seriously though, a less subtle change would have been
if Faye was a teenage black kid, and Spike and Jet were two
Eskimos who sold farm equipment.
Well wait until we get back to the
planet and talk more. That Ok with you Faye?
Faye: Fine by me.
Spike and Faye then walked out of the room without another
Jet was wondering what was going on.
Not unlike the readers.
Ed was in the room with her dog Ein and they were
looking for something that Ed had seen eailer.
Gotta love these vague scene introductions. "Some characters
are in a place doing something. Got that imagined yet?
Okay, here we go!"
Ein was sniffing around some pipes against the wall.
Ed: Silly Ein, let's go this way! So many rooms!
Ed's dialogue makes me want to kill something. Anything.
Ed and Ein came to a large valve on one of the pipes. Below
it was a large red button that said "Steam control release"
Ed: Ooooooh, what does this button do?
If someone had walked up to me last week and told me that
I'd be spending my next Friday night reading a Cowboy Bebop fanfic where the characters quoted lines from
Laboratory, I'd have said they were crazy. And once again, I
would have been foolishly underestimating just how far the
fanfiction community will go to screw with me.
(she presses the button)
Upstairs. Spike and Faye were the first ones to feel the
ship tilt and shake.
Spike: Wow! What the heck is going on!?
Why would you bother to restrict yourself to using only PG
language in a story based on a PG-13 anime series? Oh right,
Faye: Something's wrong!
In the hanger, Jet also felt the vibrations.
Jet was feelin' them gooood vibrations!
Jet: Whats going on!?! Something must be wrong with the
All three of them ran to the engine room after that. They
found Ed and ein scrambling for cover while steam filled the
The fact that the author apparently thought that a spaceship
could be powered by steam ala 1830s-era locomotives is both
precious and deeply unsettling. Skittles, if you're reading
this, please never have children.
Spike: Ed what happened!
Ed: Ed was just playing around with dog ein and then there
was the button and smoke came inand and. . .
Jet: Alight let's get you cleaned up. Come on up stairs and
take a bath.
Yeah, never mind the fact that your damn spaceship is
falling apart, just make sure the kid is sterile at all
times. Since when did Jet suffer from OCD?
Spike: How are we going to fix this?!
Faye: I know a little about engine repaire. I can take a
look at it.
Spike: Me too but can you FIX it.
Zing! Ha ha ha, they sure have fun don't they.
Faye gives Spike a dirty look.
Spike: Fine. I'll go upstaires.
Spike: Damn broad gettin' all up in my face, why I oughta—
God! Listen up bitch, after you're done with the engine, get
your sweet little ass in the kitchen and make me a sammich!
Spike was taking a break in the control room on the Bebop
for a little break, when he heard the computer communication
Spike takes a well-deserved breather from his busy schedule of ordering
people around and doing jack shit.
Spike: I wonder who would be trying to contact us out here?
Hello, this is Spike.
Voice: Hi. I need some assistence! My ship is badly damaged.
Can I please dock my ship on yours so I can repair it?
And another poor, unfortunate character is sucked into the
horror of this fanfic...
Spike: You must be really brave or really stupid to be in a
small ship like that out in this sector. (he sighs) Fine.
Cmon in. I'll open the doors.
Well, as long as you know he's trustworthy! This is exactly
how idiots wind up dead in horror movies.
In the hanger bay, a small blue ship pulled in and landed.
Just then, Spike walked into the hanger followed by Jet and
Faye: Who is this guy anyway?
Spike: I don't know. He just said his ship was damaged and
needed to dock somewhere so he could fix it.
He's probably gonna turn out to be a Mormon trying to get
people to join his space-church or something.
Jet: his ship looks Okay to me. . .
(A man walks out of the ship.)
(And the theme song to Shaft kicks in. Just because.)
Man: Hi there. Thank you for leting me land here.
He was a tall man, wearing a grey cape and nice-looking
cloths underneath. He was older, but not that old, and had
beard and a large afro.
Hey cool, this is a continuation of that other fanfic I read
where Bob Ross was cryogenically frozen and preserved into
the far distant future to travel the cosmos painting its
Man: My name is Ray Niles. Who are you?
Spike: My name is Spike Spiegel and these are my associates
Faye Valentine an Jet Black.
Spike: Between the three of us, there is no kitchen
appliance that cannot be repaired! ...Except toasters and
Ray: Nice to meet you. Do you have any tools I can use to
fix my ship?
Jet: What's wrong with it?
Ray: Oh. . . It's the um . . steering. Been drifting all
over space y'know.
Yep, that's space for ya. Skittles probably thinks flying a
spaceship is like driving a go-kart, except with more
spectacular explosions when you crash.
Spike: Yeah, we got some tools in the back. I'll grab them.
Jet: So what brings you to this part of space. It's prety
dangerous, you know?
"Sector 3" is like the Compton of outer space. You don't
want to be flying around out there after dark... Which,
unfortunately, is all the time when you're in space.
Ray: I know that. I'm a refugee from a nearby planet. I was
sent to gather supplies for my people but I'm afraid I got
lost along the way.
How do you get lost in... Never mind.
Jet: You gota be more careful out here partener.
Ray: Yeah, once I get my ship fixed i'll get back on course.
. . and be *very* careful.
What is this, fuckin' Sesame Street? Thank you for that little
public service sketch, Skittles, but I'm not such a moron that I need some F-grade
Cowboy Bebop fanfiction to
teach me valuable life lessons about responsibility.
Faye: I have to get back to the engine, See you later.
(Faye and Jet start to walk out)
Jet: (whispers) I don't trust that guy.
I hear you, Jet. I haven't trusted anyone with an afro since
Gene Shalit's questionable reviewing practices led me to
waste another $9 at one bad movie too many.
Everyone knew Jet wasn't the most trusting guy you could
know but this time faye thought he was right. There was
something about this man she didn't like but try as she
might she couldn't put her fingur on it.
What, a supposed "refugee" with a preposterous story as to
why he's floating around in the middle of space wants free
run of your ship and you're all suspicious? Now that's what
I call paranoid.
Faye: That's right you'd better keep an eye on him.
This story keeps directing my attention to either side of
the monitor, but there's nothing out of the ordinary that I
can see. Maybe it thinks it's time I upgraded my speakers?
Later Spike gave Ray the tools he needed and left him to fix
his ship. It had been a long day and all Spike wanted to do
was take a hot bath, but then he remembered Ed was still in
there cleaning up so he decided to go to the control room
and watch a little TV.
Spike: Think I'll head for the control room and watch a
If I didn't know better, I'd say Spike was on his way to the
control room to watch a little TV.
(He walks into the room to find Jet on the computer)
Jet: Yo, Spike. You should see this. I checked out the file
on that Ray Niles guy and there's nothing on him.
Spike: Really? Nothing at all.
Jet: Dude, I checked MySpace and Facebook. Nothing.
Jet: Actualy I lied. There is something her but it's not
what you'd expect. Ray Niles is the name of a shuttle pilot
for the earth's sector.
Spike: That's a ways away from here.
Jet: That's not all. Ray Niles died 40 years ago!
OOOH! OH GOD MY HEART!! HOLY— Aaaarrrgghh! Oh... Oh my
God.... Sorry about that, folks. The shock of seeing
Skittles resort to such a clichéd plot twist almost killed
After a moment of silence Spike was about to ask Jet if the
file info could be trusted but he never got the chance.
Without warning the ship started to shake like crazy and
censors went off in the room.
This fanfic must have been dubbed by 4Kids! Eh, the
Piece fans might think it's funny...
Spike; What the heck is all this now!??
Jet: I was afraid of this! (he races for the control pannel)
We're in a very dangerous sector where the planets are old.
When the planets get old they get cranky, and sometimes they
throw stuff at passing ships and scream at them to get off
of their lawn.
You know what happens to planets when they get old don't
Spike: They die out?
Jet: Exactly but the don't just die they explode, its called
a Super Nova!
Holy somersaulting Moses in a 1978 Ford Fiesta! That is not
how supernovas work at all! That isn't even remotely
being correct. First off, planets don't explode like that,
stars do. Second, holy shit! That doesn't— How could you
even... just... Goddamn! This is why public schools are a
bad idea, people!
Spike: you mean the planet is exploding!?!? How're we going
to get past this!
Very carefully, said Jet, getting ready to take manuel
control of the ship.
Yeah, you do that, Jet. Fly out of the radius of an
explosion that encompasses the entire fucking galaxy it
takes place in. Just use teleportation or magic or whatever
you need because Skittles is an imbecile who obviously flunked
science as hard as she did English!
Just then there was another powerful explosion that rocked
the ship hard. When it hit Faye was in the engine room.
Faye: Aaah! what's going on!?!? (she hits her head and
Man, I wish that could've been me. Unconsciousness sounds
like paradise right now...
(Ed is in the bathtub w/ Ein)
Ed: (screams) Something is wrong!! So bumpy!
Ed discovers a very embarrassing rash.
Meanwhile Mr. Niles was walking around the ship.
Ray: (falls over becase of the shaking) Arg, damn pilots!
Don't they know how to navigate their own ship!?!?!
Pssh, this coming from the guy who totaled his own ship and
had to be rescued like a little tiny baby piloting a baby...
ship... that's actually a crib... made for babies. Because
he's a baby.
I've got to hurry up (he runs off)
(Back in the control room)
Jet: ...And that's how time travel works.
Spike: Hm. Interesting.
Jet: This is soo hard! Its like the controls are fighting me
just to go strahte!
Spike: Keep it up old buddy, you're this ships only hope!
Since it's unthinkable that the other two people on board
capable of piloting it would be of any use.
Jet: Spike, I need you to do something for me,
(Another explosion rocks the ship)
Then KISS arrives unexpectedly and shows that ship how to
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! Spike quick go get the disk with the map
of this sectr on it and load it into the ships memeory.
Maybe the autopilot will kick and we can get through this.
Okay, so they had a map of the sector all along. Skittles,
are you familiar with the term "deus ex machina"? What am I
thinking, of course you're not.
Spike: Ill get it up I don't now where it is.
Jet: Ask Faye. she keeps track of all that stuff.
Spike: Gotcha and don't you lets us die now yahear! (Spike
runs off to go get the disk)
In the engine room, Faye is just waking up. She is in the
arms of someone.
Someone with no pants on.
Faye: Who is. . . Who is there?
Ray: (holding faye and grinning like mad) Good morning
Being cradled in the arms of a madman who either thinks
you're his girlfriend or is planning to murder you... That's
what every woman dreams of waking up to, I'm sure.
Faye: Oh its you Ray. . . What happened. My head hurts and i
can't remember anything.
Ray: You were fixing the ship's engine. but you seem tired.
Why don't you take a brek so that we can PLAY! (he pulls off
the mask showing. . . Vicious)
Faye: (gasps in horror) Vicious!? How did you track us down!
We thought you were dead!
Since Skittles has shown her knowledge of science rivals
that of a hamster's, I'm guessing this is an evil cyborg
constructed using Vicious' DNA, black magic, and Lincoln
Vicious: Finding you was simple enough. You all leave
trailes WAY to easy to follow.
Faye: I should know it was a trap! But I'm glad you're hear
because now I can kill you!!
Vicious; not gona happen sweetheart.
Suddnely his grip on her tightened as he smiles evily and
licks his lips.
I'm really starting to wonder what kind of freaky-ass movie
inspired Skittles to write this...
Faye: (trying to get free) No! I won't let you kill Spike!
Vicious: Who said I wanted him. The one I really want . is .
Aww, Vicious always says the sweetest things.
Faye: What!? You mean you don't want Spike to die?
Vicious: Actually I dont care about him. Faye, Ive always
felt something for you. Like we could be specal together. I
love you, Faye Valentine.
For God's sake. This is like writing a Mama's Family
fanfiction where Vicki Lawrence's character is a ninja who
kills people using vacuum bags and pie tins. Actually, this
is like the opposite of that, because what I just described
would be awesome.
Faye: Get away from me You're crazy!
Vicious: Don't fight it any more faye! You know we were
meant to be together!!
Faye: No, let go of me!
(Then vicious slips his hand down Faye's shorts)
Vicious: Sorry about this, I just have to check for a penis
real quick before we make anything official. I've had a
couple of previous relationships end with... bad surprises.
Faye: (her eyes bulg out) No . no get away!!
Vicious: Feels good don't it sweetheart. My hand against
Well shit, you read my mind Skittles! A rape scene is just
what this fanfiction needed to make me love it more.
Faye: no stop don't talk like that!
Vicious: I'm gona keep doing it babydoll!
Babydoll? I don't remember Vicious dropping vernacular used
by 1930s mob bosses...
Faye: Oh . . . Oh god yes.
Vicious: See? Its good once you get used to it.
Faye: (Pushes herself down on his hand) Oh harder, harder!
Now she's enjoying it!? This is sending a really bad message
to children and rapists everywhere.
Vicious: Yeah it feels great huh? I love you so much Faye!
AS Vicious is fingering Faye. Faye grabs a pipe over his
head and used it to pull herself up. When shes was at the
right height she uses her leg to kick hi as hard as she can.
Woohoo, alright Faye! Kick his sexual predator ass!
That was bizarre.
Faye: You need to learn that no means no!
Vicious: (standing up he then punches her so hard she flies
back and hits her head ona metal door) You bitch!
Fucking OUCH! God, Skittles, you're a horrible person!
Faye: (holding her head) Aaahha oh god it hurts so much!
Grabbing Faye, Vicious punches her a few more times.
I like where this is going. I hope he kills her and rapes
her dead body, since I'm betting that will be enough to
finally convince me to blow my brains out and end the
perpetual nightmare that is my life.
Vicious : You are my property bitch! You wont get away from
Spike: Put her down! NOW.
Vicious looked up to see both Spike and jet in the doorway
with their guns poinited right at his face.
YES! That was actually pretty lame as far as heroic
introductions go, but given the circumstances, I'm happy
enough seeing that scene cut short that I jumped up and
knocked my chair over.
Vicious: But how!! How did you find me!
Spike: I was going to get the map disk when I came accross
this room and found you doing some very ungentelmanly things
with Faye. I got my gun and Jet and now we're here TO KICK
Thanks for that informative exposition, Spike! When most
people interrupt a violent rape, they don't bother taking
the time to explain the series of events that led to their
Vicious: you'll never get your filthy hands on me!
(Spike and Jet shoot at him but he gets away)
They couldn't shoot him when he was, what, two or three
yards away from them? Why do Spike and Jet suddenly have the
marksmanship of a Batman villain's henchmen?
Jet: after him!
Spike: You take care of Faye, I'll get that guy!
Spike ran down a long hallway of of the engine room when he
was ambusged by Vicious.
Man, I hate it when people ambusge you. That's like a harder
form of nipple-pinching, right?
Luckily Spike knew he was there so he rolled out of the way.
Vicious jumped up and grabbed his thraot but Spike punched
him in the gut and jumped back. Vicious then lunged for him but
Spike again rolled out of the way and when Vicious had he
head turned Spike grabbed him and pulled him over then he
used the back of his gun to hit him in the face over and
That made about as much sense as one of Gwen Stefani's music
videos, and was, astoundingly, somehow even less
Spike then panicked cause he thought he might have hit the
man too hard. His face was coming off! !
Spike: Oh shit, I pistol-whipped his head in half!
Then Spike realized that it wasn't his face at all.
Spike: Hold on here. . . This guy is wearing a mask! (Spike
pulls off the mask) Who in the world could this guy be?
Faye: That is Casio R. Wentworth.
Hold up, fanfic! Is this shit serious!? Your shocking twist
ending is that a potential bounty dressed up as Vicious
dressed up as a refugee so he could infiltrate the ship of
the very people trying to capture him just so he could have
an opportunity to finger-rape Faye?
Spike: Faye! You're okay?
Faye: Yea I'm alright. That guy is Casio, an old flame of
mine. I left him because he got too possesive.
Seriously, fanfic!?! This is really the route you want to
take!? As pissed off as I am right now, you sure you want to
pull this shit!?
Jet: Looks like he still thought you beloned to him.
Spike: Wait! Casio wentworth is the guy we were after!
Faye: That's right. I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't want
to go after him because I was afraid he'd do something like
this if he got too close to me again.
This is just lunacy at this point. If this fic was a movie I
had paid money to see, now would be about the time when I'd
yell "Fire!" to empty the theater, then murder an usher
and prop his corpse up against the screen as a way of
warning the crowd for the next showtime.
Spike: I understand. This sure does save us some serius
Spike: ...Oh, right, yeah, sorry about you getting... y'know,
molested and, uh, severely beaten like that. You want us to
pick up something for dinner tonight?
Later, Wentworth is tied up and everyone is in the control
Jet: I'll sure be glad to get outa this sector.
Spike: I hear you. It's been a nightmare that almost cost us
Speaking of which! What the hell happened to the subplot
with the mystifying exploding planets? I swear, the next
plot twist better be that they're all ghosts.
Faye: What did you guys have to go through huh? I was the
one stuck down in the egine room getting felt up by Vicious.
Except it wasn't Vicious. Pay attention, damn it!
Spike: I guess you're right Faye. We should give you more
Faye: . . . Uh really?
Faye: Wow! I'm not used to you guys treating me like an
actual human being like this.
Jet: Sure. You did good Faye. Take
Faye: (she smiles at both of them) Yes. I do deserve a rest.
Thanks you two.
This is a touching moment. Like getting a Hallmark card from
an old friend while you're in the hospital after your family
is murdered in front of you and you fall off the top of a
skyscraper onto a flagpole anus-first.
Just then Ed stumbles into the room
with Ein looking dazzed. She hit her head in the tub eailer
and was still a little groggy. She wasn't wearing anything
except she had a towel around her waste.
Ed: What happened. . . out here?
Spike: Holy crap! We forgot all about Ed! Are you okay Ed?
Oh my gosh, Spike actually said a swear word! Golly
willikers! I'm tellin' Grandma!
Ed: Ed thinks so. but head hurts so
Ed was so groggy she didn't notice right away when her towel
sliped too the floor. But a bark came from Ein reminding her
to cover her young hairless privates.
For— WHY!?! Why won't
you LET THE HORROR END, Skittles!?
Ed: ah! Ed is soooo embarrassed!
(she runs out of the room yelling)
Spike, jet and faye had a good laugh over that one.
You know what's really funny? I was actually thinking this fic
might be over before we got a chance to read any
of about Ed's prepubescent privates. Fortunately,
such a fate was narrowly averted thanks to the offensive
writing styles of the literary terrorist known as Skittles.
The Bebop continued to float off
into space. The crew would soonget the bounty for Casio
Wentworth and be a little richer. But they knew that a
bounty hunter's job is never.
....Never what? That's not even a complete sentence.
I guess it's fitting, though, because this isn't even a
complete story. It's more like a government training tool
given to soldiers so that they'll no longer be afraid of
Alright, so that was a lot of agonizing fanfiction to absorb all
at once, and some of you my have instinctively shut down parts
of your brain while reading it as a way of shielding yourself
from the most horrendous details. Perfectly understandable.
Still, I'd hate for a story that astoundingly bad to go to
waste, so let's just take a moment and go over a quick checklist
to remind us of all the wonderful things that Final Starburst
had to offer its readers:
||A poorly constructed, directionless, and totally
illogical plotline? Check!
||Glaringly obvious spelling
and punctuation errors?
||Plot points that relied on laughably inaccurate
scientific facts? Biiiiiiig check!
||Completely warped and unfaithfully represented
personalities for the entire cast? Gigantic, towering,
utterly colossal check!
||Creepy, tasteless sexual content that was
completely irrelevant to the story? Absolutely gargantuan
check so impossibly enormous that it blocks out the sun and
plunges the world into a second ice age, effectively ending
Wow. That fanfic contained just about every element of bad
storytelling you could ask for, and then some. Talk about
getting your shit-cake and eating it, too! Any one of the
aforementioned writing flaws would have done the job of mentally
scarring the readers sufficiently enough, but this fic just kept
on dishing the pain until it was damn sure that anyone
foolish enough to read its entirety would have nightmares about
it for years to come. That, my friends, is what I call
Congratulations, Skittles. In building this digital monument of
terror and godlessness, you've managed to accomplish what few
authors have been able to and devised a story so unrelentingly
horrible it that disturbed even me. For your prize, I'll be sure
to get your fax number and send you a signed picture of me
giving you the finger, just like you metaphorically gave me and
every other Cowboy Bebop fan on the planet by writing