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Episode 10: "Allergic to Truth" & "Lemon Chocolate"
(Two 'Sailor Moon' fanfictions by Adrian Tymes)

I've waited a long time for this day to arrive, folks. Over the past year and a half, I've had to overcome crippling depression, bankruptcy, mail bombs, car bombs, toilet bombs, several lawsuits, a broken leg, and three separate periods of jail time all due to my involvement with this website. Managing a low-bandwidth comedy site has almost killed me, and more often than not, made me wish it had. At times I've considered just giving up and waiting for some machete-wielding psycho to take my life in the middle of the night for no apparent reason like you see in every damn teen slasher flick that Hollywood vomits out on a weekly basis. Today, however, all the pain and suffering I've had to endure seems almost worthwhile, for I now sit here and type the intro to the long-awaited tenth installment of Project AFTER.

For someone who gives up as easily as I do, hitting the ten episode mark is quite an accomplishment. I mean, quite an accomplishment. I'm the kind of guy who can't finish an entire Snickers bar because I get bored halfway through and end up throwing it away, so staying with this website for long enough to turn out this many fanfic reviews is nothing short of astounding. And man, it feels great! Ten whole episodes finally complete... I don't mind telling you, I haven't looked forward to something this much since they released the 1st Season of Punky Brewster on DVD. Oh Punky, is there any heart your enchantingly adorable antics can't steal?

To honor of such a significant milestone in the history of this site, we'll be doing something a little different for today's episode. Instead of me reviewing one, full-length fanfiction, I'll be critiquing two separate fanfics, both of which are just about long enough to equal the length of one normal fanfic when combined. So you'll basically be getting the same amount of fanfiction horror, but you'll get to experience twice as many idiotic plotlines! Won't that be fun!

For the main course, I'll be serving up Allergic to Truth, a self-proclaimed Sailor Moon "lemon" written by Adrian Tymes. That treat alone would be more than enough to rob anyone of their appetite, however you'll certainly want to stick around for dessert when you hear what's next on the menu! It most likely isn't safe for human consumption, but that fact won't stop me from dishing up a decidedly sour recipe entitled Lemon Chocolate, which also happens to be a Sailor Moon fic courtesy of Mr. Tymes. It may be short, but it makes for it with some powerfully potent awfulness.

Oh, and please remember to don your bib while dining, as both dishes have promised to be quite messy in parts. Bon appétit, monsieur!



Allergic to Truth

Here's a tip for all you aspiring fanfiction authors out there: Don't name your story "Allergic to Truth" if you want anyone to take it seriously.

The commercial dubbers of Sailor Moon are accused of significantly
changing the characters - for example, Lita is not Makoto speaking
English, but a whole different person who just happens to have similar
events happen to her.

That's... a very interesting theory you've got there, Adrian. Stupid, but very interesting nonetheless.

One example of such is the fate of this character's parents: when asked
to take care of cats, Makoto admits her parents are dead, but Lita says
her mother is allergic. Some say that this is just the removal of
characterization that is standard practice for these dubbers, but in this case,
they may have thought to imply something else...

I think that's giving the folks at Dic a whole lot more credit than they deserve. Did you ever stop to think that they might have simply assumed that the subject of dead parents was a little too solemn for the six year old girls the dub was targeted at?


Amy carefully wrung out the moist handtowel, then wrapped it around the
two ice cubes waiting on the kitchen counter. Three steps brought her
to Lita's side; the next second saw the towel on Lita's scalp.

Now that is one fancy-ass way of saying Amy walked over to Lita and put a wet cloth on her forehead.

A second one caressed Lita's skin under Amy's guidance, exchanging hot
sweat for cool water.

I tried to exchange my hot sweat for some cool water at a store one time, but the guy working there said they only accepted money. I was all like, "Talk to the sweaty hand, poser."

Lita ordered her body to relax despite its tension at the sudden
stimulus, only then to realize the futility of tensing up her muscular being
in order to subsequently go limp.

The author knows nothing about proper sentence structure, but boy howdy does he ever know a lot of big words!

"Thanks, Ames," she sighed.

With Lita's prone form taking up the entire sofa, Amy lowered herself
into a chair near her friend's head.

Amy: Goddamn, Lita, I've never seen anyone down that many margaritas as fast as you did last night! You gotta learn to pace yourself, girl.

"I can't believe your parents are still on vacation, with you sick."

"It's nothing. I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow morning."

And on her back again by tomorrow night. Oooooh!

"With a temperature of one hundred and five? I don't think so."

Lita smiled, slightly nudging the ice and almost causing it to fall off
save for Amy's quick catch and repositioning.

This is the closest thing we're going to get to an action scene in this story, so enjoy it while you can. The runner-up for the most exciting sentence in this fic is an intensely dramatic description of a chair.

"I told you, the thermometer's high by six degrees. I...that is, my dad
keeps meaning to buy a new one."

"But he's always busy."

Maybe she should tell him that Walgreens® has thousands of convenient locations across the country, many of them open 24 hours for all your medical shopping needs, day or night. Because that's life. This is Walgreens.™

(Since I don't like to use banner ads, I have to work in corporate promotions by alternative means. Fucking sponsors...)


Lita started, but settled back before Amy could react. "There's a
picture of my parents on my dresser. It's a bit old, but we never saw
the need to get a new one. I guess I'll always be five years old to them."

Lita: I really wish they'd let me take a bath by myself, at least...

"A five year old doesn't hold down the fort like you do, Lita."

"Well...actually, I did start fully taking care of myself at that age."

It was hard finding a place that would hire a five year old child, and the three-hour commute on her bike was a bitch, but that Lita was quite the determined little entrepreneur.

Amy raised an eyebrow. "I bet they were proud of you."

"It was tough, I'll tell you. But, hey, you know me: ain't nothing
gonna take down Lita."

Not the competition! Not the haters! Not even the po-leece! What, is Lita too in yo face or somethin'? Well get used to it sucka, 'cause Lita just rolled up like a phat joint, and ain't NOTHING gonna take her down.

She laughed at her own joke, which quickly turned into deep, ragged

Lita: *cough* I need a cigarette, now! *cough* *hack*

Amy's hand hesitated a little when it came into contact with Lita's skin, but
a renewed round of coughs shook it off. "More cough drops?"


Damn! Now we'll never know if she wanted more cough drops or not! That's gonna bug me now...

Black paws silently crept through the shadows of a room just short
enough of twilight not to have any lights turned on, their owner only
semi-consciously invoking classic feline stealth.

I tried for a long time to make sense of that paragraph, I really did! Eventually, I decided it would be better just to skip over it before my brain melted and started leaking out of my ears all over the carpet.

Sure that she had not been detected, Luna looked up at her target. She
tensed in preparation for the final pounce...

The knife clutched firmly between her teeth, sweat collecting on her brow as she silently rehearsed the 911 phone call to herself one final time...

....only for Amy to swivel and pick her up. "Hi, Luna. Serena kick you
out again?"

Luna blinked twice, before settling into Amy's lap. "Not exactly. She
is fighting with her brother, though, so she's going to be insufferable
all night long. Bedding with her will be especially difficult.

Luna: Last time she woke up just as I was holding the pillow up to her face, and if it happened again then I can't use the "your nose looked cold" excuse twice in a row.

Oh, yes, that feels good. Right there, please."

Oh GOD, I didn't know it was going to be that kind of lemon...!

Amy half-smiled and kept scratching Luna with one hand, while her other
hand went back to work on her computer.

Phew, alright. Cat-porn narrowly adverted.

"What's it about this time?"

"Oh, Serena was complaining about how the principal gave you time off to
care for Lita since you were so far ahead in your studies that a week
couldn't possibly do any harm."

Uh, I don't think so. In Japan, you'd have a hellaciously hard time getting one day off from school to attend your entire family's funeral after they died in a plane crash.

"Serena was mad that I'm taking care of Lita?"

"No, but she wanted to do it herself.

Serena's been eagerly awaiting the opportunity to change bedpans and make chicken noodle soup for weeks!

Anyway, her brother listed the ways in which Serena would mess up Lita's
care - not once did he say anything about needing to study - and you can't
even imagine how bad things went from there."

The horror! Did they start yelling "did not" and "did to" at each other? Damn Luna, good thing you got out of there before someone got hurt.

"I'll say. Not that I mind taking care of Lita." She paused to
remember the day's events; for some reason, she felt a bit hot at the
end, so she wiped her brow.

Amy: Boy, remembering the day's events really takes it out of you! I think I need to lie down for a bit.

"I just hope I'm not coming down with what she has."

"You've been spending an awful lot of time with her, you know."

Oh hell, don't tell me this going to turn into some Brokeback Mountain shit now...

"Yeah, well, her parents are always gone, and it feels like my parents
are always gone. I guess we've kind of become each other's parents."

I really hope I'm not the only one who just got incredibly weirded out by that last sentence.

"Parents don't go dancing with their kids like you two did last week."

"What are you saying?"

I think she's saying that parents don't go dancing with their kids like you two did last week. There really isn't much room for a hidden message in that.

"Just that I've seen that look on peoples' faces before, and...ooh, yes,
a bit harder, please."

Amy wondered why some instinct made her cut off Luna's question with
renewed petting, but soon shrugged it off.

Oh, I get it. She's trying to mentally hide her secret affections for Lita from herself. Confused, hormonal teenage girl falls in love with female friend but has trouble coming to terms with it. Now where have I heard that plotline before....?

Several minutes passed with only clicks and gentle purring warding off
total silence, as darkness completed its descent upon the land.

Just type "the sun went down" like a normal person, you neurotic bastard.

Amy blinked, rubbed her eyes, and kicked her wheeled chair towards the
door just long enough to turn on the lights before wheeling back to her
computer. "Hey, Luna? How come you always come to my place when you
want a break from Serena?"

Luna: For starters, that dumb bitch Serena is much too stupid to find her way to your house.

"I would have thought that would be obvious. I mean, I don't always
come here, but there's a good reason why I usually prefer your company."

Because talking to Serena is like try to converse with a mounted deer head? (Alright, alright, that's the last joke I'll do that makes fun of how dumb Serena is.)

"I have a lap while working on my computer?"

Since Serena is too damn stupid to figure out how to use a computer. (Okay, that was the last one, I swear!)

"Amy," Luna nearly growled. "That might be a good guess for Artemis,
but I'm almost offended."

Amy could not help but giggle at Luna's blatantly mock indignity.

Arrrgh... This fic is so dry my eyelids are starting to chafe. C'mon, let's pick up the pace here!

"Ok, Luna, so why do you come here?"

"Well...Mina already has Artemis, and before you say it, if we were ever
to date, we would not want to disturb any of you...that is, if things
went better than that fleabag could ever hope to pull off, of course."

That Luna is just so considerate, going so far as to plan ahead so that she won't be a bother to anyone if she's ever date-raped.

"Of course, Luna. What about the others?"

"Raye's birds and I do not get along very well. It's ok if I'm there on
business, but the only good relaxation places would be on the roof or
near the sacred open fire.

Mmm, suddenly I have a craving for sacred hotdogs and sacred s'mores.

The birds would bother me on the roof, and the open
fire...well, it's sacred, like I said; I don't want to take it for
granted by sleeping there on a regular basis.

Hey! Guess what! I don't give a shit, and this has nothing to do with the plot!

It's difficult for me to get in and out of Darien's apartment without his
landlord noticing, so I only do that when I have to; likewise, Lita's parents
are allergic to cats, so I try not to bother her. The rest live a bit far away,
so it might be difficult to get back to Serena quickly if I had to."

Son of a bitch, I've had experiences waiting in line at the post office that were more stimulating than this.

"I thought only Lita's mother was allergic."

"She told me both of her parents were."

Amy: She what!? That means... She lied to me! She lied to me!! Why that little lying whore!

"Hmm...well, one way to find out."

"You're going to ask her?"

Well, that would be the route that any normal, well-adjusted person would take...

"No; she needs her rest right now. I'll look it up on the Web."

And there you go.

That got Luna's attention. "You can look that kind of stuff up?"

Yeah Luna, all thanks to this great new invention called MySpace.

"Well, technically you shouldn't be able to, but I know this genealogy
search engine that's probably breaking a few laws with the amount of
medical data it offers.

Ah, so that's how she gets all those "prescriptions" so cheap...

Let's see..."

Luna watched, mesmerized, as both of Amy's hands flew over the keyboard typing in a long sequence of characters on the computer screen.

I think I saw this same scene before in 'Swordfish'. Now, if only this fic boasted pictures of a topless Halle Berry, perhaps I wouldn't have to chase down caffeine pills with Red Bull just to read through it.

"You know, even back in the Silver Millennium we didn't have this kind
of data sharing. We had computers, sure, but they usually weren't
linked to each other.

A world with no internet? No online chat? No fanfiction websites!? Wow, Silver Millennium really was a utopia...

Maybe if they were, we could've had more warning of Beryl, or..."



"Shut up."

"Never mind. Just indulging in what-ifs. But you know, I don't think
Lita would approve of you digging into her personal history like this."

Amy doesn't give a hoot about other people's approval. That girl's a rebel!

"Hey, she's a good friend. And some allergies can be cured these days;
if her parents have one of them, then maybe this can help her parents
and give them a reason to stay home for a bit while taking the therapy."

Their allergies are actually derived some serious emotional issues that they need to get help with.

"If you say so. Did you find something yet?"

"I think so. This looks like the page I'm after, but..."


Amy: ...But I can't see anything because of all these pop-ups for pornography and car insurance.

Amy tapped two spots on the screen.

Amy: Oh right, this isn't a touch-screen. Well shit. Let's just do something else.

"Lita's parents died on the same day ten years ago. And neither were
allergic to anything. I've got to be misreading the data."

Well, you know, you can't believe everything you read on the internet.

"I don't think so. Click on the date of death, it looks like it'll link
to details about it."

She did.

Time is a funny thing.

...Whoa, um, what? Did we just skip something, or...?

Physically, it can only travel in one direction, and usually only at one
rate unless measured by or relative to something traveling near the
speed of light. But perceptions of time can dilate, forwards, backwards,
even inverted or stretched into some second temporal dimension.

Oh, I see. Tymes knew his story was falling apart so, in order to fill up space, he inserted an excerpt from his science paper that earned him an 'F' along with a desperate plea from the teacher that he seek mental help as soon as possible.

A moment to prepare can be an eternity to the condemned facing
execution, while some beings barely perceive the passage of decades
even when reminded of the perpetual passage of time.

You thought you could get high before you wrote your fanfiction.

You thought it wouldn't hinder your ability to write a good story.

You were wrong.

Next time, say no to drugs.

Next time, make some fucking sense.

A couple hours later, when Amy thought about it while trying to drift
off to sleep, the page had loaded entirely too fast for her comfort.

Amy: G-Goddamn... No, n-no... I can... I can s-still see it.....


"Amy? You look worse than I do."

Friendships based on brutal honesty work surprisingly well so long as you don't overdo it.

Amy slumped against the doorframe of Lita's apartment, wondering just
how dark the bags under her eyes were. "I couldn't get much sleep."
Which was, technically, true: no actual sleep, replaced with a solid night
full of angsting over what she had decided to do and Lita's probable
rejection of her friendship as a result, was not much sleep.

So, the bottom line is that she didn't sleep much. I just wanna be clear on this, because it's hard to know what's going on when you keep throwing a bunch of confusing, rhetorical bullshit into every single damn sentence in this fic.

"Lita, I have to ask: where are your parents?"

"I told you, on vacation."

"No. Seriously, *where* are they?"

Lita: How should I know! I just threw the corpses in the back of some random Freightliner and by now they could be any-- Oops.


She stepped inside, never breaking eye contact with Lita, and carefully
shut the door behind her.

Calmly and swiftly, she reached into her purse and produced a loaded Beretta 92FS. Gripping it firmly with both hands, Amy brought the weapon up until it was level with her friend's forehead. "Alright," the armed girl began, the look of maddening rage in her eyes increasing with each passing second, "I'm going to ask you one more time..."

"If they're on vacation, where were they going?"

"Umm...that is...Hawaii! Honolulu; there's a business conference there."

"So they're doing business while on vacation."

Is she trying to get Lita to admit that her parents are workaholics or what?

"Yeah, well, it's a working vacation."

Whatever reply Amy came up with was preempted by a knock on the door.

Amy: Oh, there's the pizza. Hang on, I'll get back to interrogating you like a filthy criminal in just a sec...

Lita kept her eyes on Amy while walking around her to the door.
"Coming." She turned the knob and opened the door.


"Hi, can I help..."

"Hi, honey, sorry to keep you waiting."

Lita's gigolo makes another appearance at a comically inappropriate time.

Time can also stretch to eternity for any person facing a moment of
overwhelming emotion.

Aaaaugh! Not this shit again!

And within that eternity a lifetime of memories and thoughts transpire
instantaneously as if light were not fast enough to contain the endless
time of thought and emotion into that blink of an eye.

This fanfic has got exactly three minutes to stop being so screwed up, otherwise I'm going to stop reviewing it! I mean it! I'll turn this review around right here and now!

"DADDY! You'realiveyou'realiveyoudidn'tdieohthankwhoa!"

Ah, you see, all the weird-ass metaphors are making poor Lita have a seizure!

The illusionary form of Lita's father glowed, then shrank down into Luna
with a jeweled disguise pen at her feet.


"They're both dead, aren't they?" Amy had wandered further into the
apartment, and was poised to quickly take cover in case Lita gave in to

I'm trying to piece this together as best I can, but it sure ain't easy... Alright, I think Amy found out that Lita's parents are dead, so she got Luna to disguise herself as Lita's dad using a jeweled pen (!?) so that Lita would admit her parents are diseased and not on vacation. Meanwhile, Adrian just threw in all that random stuff about the flow of time and space to sound all profound and hopefully cover up the fact that he can't compose a decent story worth shit.

"They're not dead. They've just been gone for ten years. They survived
that explosion, and they're on their way back to me.

An explosion, huh? What, did they piss of the mafia or something?

Any day now, they're going to walk through this door, and things will be
just like they used to be, and I won't have to be so tough all the time,

And people will stop writing Sailor Moon fanfiction? ...Please?

Seeing Lita on the verge of tears, Amy gently hugged her to bring her
the rest of the way.

Amy: That's it, my little pawn! SUFFER!! Mwah ha ha ha!

While Lita collapsed onto her shoulder and succumbed to body-wracking
sobs, Luna flipped the pen up and balanced it on her head, trotting in just
before Amy nudged the door shut again.

Seeing a cat with a pen balanced on its head always cheers me up...

"Damn it, Amy. No one's ever guessed before. But if you can...I might
not be able to keep it a secret any more."

"Shh, shh, it's ok. I promise I won't tell anyone. And neither will
Luna. No one else is going to guess; no one else knows you like I do.
Not even Serena."

What she meant to say was: "No one else is going to guess because they're all dumb-as-stumps simpletons who can't figure out why they've never seen your parents after years of being your close friend."

Years of pent-up tears gushed like a reservoir through a broken dam,
soaking Amy's shoulder over many minutes. Amy muttered words of
encouragement and gently guided Lita into a more comfortable pose on the
sofa, while her mind confirmed and prioritized the questions generated
by her empathy's curiosity.

Come ON, man! "Her empathy's curiosity"!? What the... What the fuck does that even mean!?! Stop using words you don't understand just because they sound all big and impressive. You're not fooling anybody!

Eventually, inevitably, the tears dried up, or at least slowed down. By
this time, Lita's head had slipped into Amy's lap;

Face up, I hope.

her still watery vision looked up at Amy's face and briefly morphed it into
a good approximation of her former boyfriends, but she knew it to only be a
trick of the light.

Or the pills she took prior to Amy's arrival...

"Why did you have to guess?"

"Because." Amy traced the curve of Lita's chin. "If you're in trouble,
I want to know. And once I knew, I couldn't stand the thought of you
sufferring alone."

Ah-HA! You misspelled "suffering"! That word is easy to spell, dude! All your gigantic words and time-wasting metaphorical tangents don't do you much good now, you pretentious asshole!

"That was a mean trick, you know."

Amy just smiled and stuck out her tongue.

Amy is aware of the fact that she's a total bitch, and proud of it!

Luna, having deposited the pen with Amy, took shelter in a windowsill.
It was sunny, warm, and far enough away for Lita to give Luna time to
flee if Lita came after her.

Jeez, Amy and Luna seems to regard Lita as an extremely violent person.

"Blame me. Amy had no idea I would do that. Now, about the pen?"

"Serena loaned it to me - that's the truth, I swear - but ol' meatball
head may have forgotten. I hope she never remembers; it has been so

Hold on, who is supposed to be speaking, now? And I thought Luna brought that pen with her. God, just... Whatever.

"How do you mean, 'useful'?" Luna regarded Lita with a critical eye,
though it was hard to tell on her feline face. "Sailor powers are to be
used only for fighting evil, not for personal gain."

With great power comes great yadda, yadda, yadda. You all know how that goes.

"Yeah, show me the line between 'personal gain' and 'making it so I can
keep fighting evil'. Ever since my parents died, I've been forging
their signatures and mimicking their voices - I had to use a voice box
at first, but lately I've been able to do it on my own - in order to pay
the rent and sign various forms.

Who would have thought that a sweet, innocent girl like Lita would be so exceedingly crafty when it came to cheating the law.

Their bank account had me as a co-signer; I think it was supposed to be a
joke at first, but when the bank heard they were dead, my being alive stopped
them from closing it, even if I was underage.

If you ever need proof that Mr. Tymes has absolutely no clue how bank accounts work, there it is.

They had a lot of investments; I had to sell a bunch of stuff in order to
pay the bills, but I think I've got enough to last me through college.

And after college, well, there's always prostitution to fall back on.

I borrowed the pen so my folks could show up at various meetings."

Amy had to wipe her own tears away.

I see Amy was also bored to tears by that story...


"That's where my 'Karate Maniac' reputation came from.

So is this a rehearsal for Lita's '60 Minutes' interview? If not, then this would be a super awesome time to wrap things up and call it a day.

I never could keep up the act forever, so when the authorities became too
suspicious, I got myself kicked out and transferred elsewhere.

And the authorities didn't bother to hunt you down because, let's be honest, the police are just lazy.

It also helped me discourage any kids who got too close to the truth, but I
never actually punched anyone who didn't deserve it."

You could totally tell that old lady and that priest were up to no good...

Luna closed her eyes. "You're going to have to tell the others
eventually, you know."

Amy looked up. "Why?"

"You know perfectly well why.

Eheh, now don't forget who you're talking to here, Luna.

She said it herself: she can't keep up the act forever. If the law
found her out, she's right, she would have trouble sneaking out to be
Sailor Jupiter."

Sneaking out of what? You mean, like, jail?

"She only needs to keep it up for a few more years. I think she can do
that, especially if I help."

Lita's eyes widened. "'d do that for me?"

Amy: *smiles* Hey, it's not like lying and tax fraud are new concepts to me, right?

"Of course. I...umm, Luna, you know where the pen is, can you tell
Serena I have it?"

"I will."

"Now, please?"

Yeah, c'mon! This fic has wasted so much time we need to get to the sex scene, pronto!

"What's the rush? This sunbeam is nice..."

"Because on the count of three, I'm going to close the window on your
tail if it's still there. One..."

Animal abuse is another specialty of Amy's, it seems. That girl is just full of surprises!

Luna leapt out onto the balcony, and was quickly gone.

Lita blinked for a moment.

And the rusted gears in her brain slowly began to turn, beginning the long and rarely seen process of registering a coherent thought in the empty, windswept plains of her mind.

"What'd you do that for?"

"Lita...I...that is, we...I care about you a lot, Lita. And
when I thought about what you must have gone through,
I... I think I discovered something else last night..."

She discovered that other people's pain gives her a kind of perverse, sadistic pleasure.


"I'm not sure how to say it...oh, why say it?" Amy yanked Lita's face
up to hers and kissed.

Luna: Oh Amy, I forgot to tell yo-- Sweet Mother of God!!

It could have been hours for all that it felt like at the time, but it
was over too quickly as judged by both Amy's and Lita's later

Lita broke the kiss. "Amy? What about Greg?"

Amy: Oh, that pig? All he ever wants to do is have sex. Now get on your back and spread 'em, sister!

"I told everyone: he's just a good friend. We're not really that close."

"I didn't know you were homosexual."

"I'm not. Just Lita-sexual."

The twist ending is that Amy has a penis.

The next few hours lasted as long as they felt.

...Oh my God. Do NOT tell me that's what the whole fanfic was leading up to. What the hell was this thing doing on a lemon site, anyway!? I can deal with an abrupt ending like this, but all the people who read through that drawn-out mess expecting to be rewarded for their trouble with a sex scene at the end are going to be super pissed at that conclusion. So much for pleasing your target audience, huh Adrian.

Speaking of endings, the fun for this episode of Project AFTER is far from over! Stick around for another short, one-shot Sailor Moon fic written by my new best friend, Adrian Tymes. It's called "Lemon Chocolate". 'Nuff said.

Lemon Chocolate

The usual use-of-Sailor-Moon disclaimers apply. Other notes at the end,
since they include a spoiler.

Spoiler: This fanfic sucks ass.


The four girls sat in the classroom looking bored. Classes were over for the
day and very little remained for them to do.

Girl #1: Hey, should we like, go home or something?

Girl #2: Are you kidding? Sitting here and looking bored is awesome! I can't believe we've never done this before!

They were planning on a of fun but couldn't leave until the fifth member of
their group was present. As luck would have it, it was Ami's job to go find her.

Ah, so now we're calling her "Ami". I guess this fic was written before Adrian developed that fetish for making up brainless stories to try and accommodate continuity flaws in the dubbed version of the show.

Ami scanned her book as she walked, quietly musing at the irony of it all.
She had long since developed the talent of reading and walking at the same

Uh, well, that certainly is ironic... Wait, what!?

It just so happened that she was reading her biology text, and had just
reached the chapter on reproduction, when the other Sailor Seishi decided
they had waited long enough for Usagi and Mamoru to show. The two
lovebirds had said they just wanted to spend a few minutes alone, but that
had been half an hour ago, and Ami had drawn the short straw to get them.

So, as I understand it, the "irony" is that Ami was reading about copulation when her friends said she had to retrieve Usagi who was probably in the process of getting knocked up somewhere in the school. Man, that's quite a stretch, even for Adrian and his wonderfully twisted logic.

As she read a brief paragraph about mating calls, Ami wondered if she
would hear their cries of affection.

There were no mating calls to speak of, however Mamoru had clawed several lockers and sprayed a pungent, musky liquid on the wall outside the girls' bathroom.

She nearly dropped her book when she heard Usagi moan. Cautiously
stepping towards the noise, she peeked through a door that had been left
slightly open.

Usagi's slowly learning, at least... The last time she got felt up, it was in the middle of the school's parking lot. And the time before that, it was on an episode of 'The Price is Right'.

Beyond the portal, Usagi was in Mamoru's lap, lost to bliss under her
lover's caress. Usagi's entire body was limp, with her eyes and mouth
closed as she concentrated on something.

2+2! C'mon, Usagi, you can do it! Work that brain cell!

One of Mamoru's hands stroked her chin, while the other supported her
thigh. From the smile on his face, and the bulge in his trousers, Ami could
tell that he shared at least a fraction of Usagi's pleasure.

I may not be a doctor here, but I'm pretty sure they need to take their clothes off in order for this to work right.

As Ami watched, Usagi stiffened, arched her back, and moaned louder, but
not so loud as to put Mamoru off.

Mamoru: Ah, that's it, we're done. I told you loud noises kill my sex drive, damn it!

Her lips and eyelids stayed closed as if glued. Ami could see goosebumps on
Usagi's flesh, which served to highlight spasms of what, judging by Usagi's
expression, could only be ecstasy.

Little did she know of Usagi's and Mamoru's contest to see who could keep a live frog in their mouth the longest.

Although her mouth permitted no air to pass, Usagi took in shuddering breaths
through her nose as her fists, dangling helplessly to Mamoru's side, clenched
and unclenched of their own accord.

I'm beginning to wonder if Usagi is experiencing pleasure, or having a mild stroke.

After what seemed like a lifetime, but was in reality only a few minutes,
Usagi calmed down. Hesitantly opening her eyes, she looked deep into her
mate's eyes and soul, and quietly pleaded, "More?"

Usagi: Those Altoids Citrus Sours are fantastic! I... I've gotta have another one!

Mamoru smiled, and bent to kiss Usagi as he reached for a container of
brown chunks...

Mamoru: Alright babe, let's empty these into a paper bag, light it on fire, and leave it on Ami's doorstep! Haw yeah, this is gonna be awesome!

"What are you DOING?" Rei hissed as she jerked Ami away from the door,
just silently enough to not be heard by the lovers.

Ami stepped away from the door under Rei's forceful guidance. "Well, you
said I should get them..."

Well, you weren't so much "getting them" as you were getting cheap thrills from watching them clumsily try in vain to screw each other.

"Not in the middle of this!"

Ami blushed, and continued walking back towards where Minako and Makoto
waited as Rei scowled at her.

It's gotta be tough when you can't even catch of glimpse of your friend fooling around with her boy-toy for fear that "Little Miss Virtue" Rei is going to show up and go all Catholic church on your ass.

A few seconds later, she commented, "I'm jealous of Usagi."

"Why? You were never in love with..."

"No, no. It's just, well...I don't think I'm physically capable of what I
just saw."

I don't think it takes a great deal of physical fitness to dry-hump some guy's lap, actually.

Rei was about to ask, but thought better of it.

Good for you, Rei. Besides, no one really wants to know what kind of horrors were taking place back there.

Although she was curious, she could just listen when Minako pumped Ami
for details when they rejoined the group.

Nevertheless, Ami continued. "I mean, sure, I like chocolate, but not
THAT much..."

Well, I doubt you could really taste it down there, anyway.




The End

What? Oh, uh, alright. I guess it's over. Y'know, that wasn't so much of a "story" as it was a brief anecdote. And not even a very amusing one, at that.


I got the idea for this from something that happened in real life.
No magic or drugs here; just Usagi and two of her loves.

Except Usagi isn't a real person, you delusional son of a bitch.

Yes, this *is* my first actual lemon...and I count it as such even
though everyone had their clothes on throughout. ("Making love" is not
necessarily the same as "having sex", after all.)

In that case, would you care to explain the difference between the two? Actually, on second thought, don't bother. I've had enough of your insane, backwards reasoning and drawn-out nonsensical ramblings for one evening.


Talk about double the fun, huh folks! Those stories were just so... so... Well, they were somethin' else, that's for sure! Hey, here's a puzzler for ya: Which of those two fics do you think was worse? I'm kind of torn on that one, myself... The first fic was much longer, and therefore gave me more time to properly come to despise it with every fiber of my being, but you've got to admit that the second fic did a damn good job of making sure that all who read it were put through more than ample amounts of pain despite how brief it was. Bad things come in small packages, I suppose.

One thing both fics shared in common that just frustrated the hell out of me was the fact that they were both completely mislabeled by the author. By that, I mean that Adrian Tymes went to great lengths to ensure that the above fanfics were categorized as lemons, and even had a few sites place warnings above them cautioning readers about all the "adult" content. I find that fact way more amusing than it should be, since, for a pair of stories listed under a genre that promises an abundance of sexually explicit content by nature, both of those tales were about as risqué as a daytime British sitcom (and twice as dull).

Just so we're clear, I'm not complaining about the fact that the fics managed to abstain from wandering into smutty territory; on the contrary, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that reading them wouldn't subject me to outlandishly perverse fetishes that would leave me unable to properly digest food for several weeks. However, that doesn't excuse the fact that the author basically lied to his readers by promising content that wasn't there in order to create the illusion that there would be some kind of titillating reward for those who were willing to suffer through all the tedious buildup that ended up comprising the entire story. If you want to keep your writings in the PG area, then that's perfectly acceptable, but only a very poor author would deceive his audience by dangling the word "sex" in front of their noses when the story in question has got nothing of the sort to offer.

...Oh shit, this is starting to sound too much like actual constructive criticism! Err, umm, this fic sucked! I hated it with a passion! It made me want to strangle the author and take a dump on his cold, rigid corpse! Ahhh, that's better.

Well, that just about does it for my attention span. See ya next time, everybody!