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Episode 13: "The Bermuda Island" - Part 1
(A 'Pokémon' fanfiction by TreeFolk)


As some of you may have already heard, there are some rumors about me currently being spread around that I'd like to take a moment to dispel. First off, that prostitute was already dead when I got there, and anyone who says otherwise is a goddamned filthy liar. I can't help it if there's a madman running around out there with a hatchet and a vial of my semen trying to get me into trouble with the sheriff's department, now can I.

The other heinous rumor I've been hearing from some of you is that I spend hours upon hours of my time running this website because I actually enjoy reading bad fanfiction, and that my reviews are little more than an excuse to secretly showcase my love for bottom-tier anime fanworks. While this statement technically could be further from the truth, I'm inclined to say that it couldn't just to prove a point. I don't mock fanfics because it's fun or because I enjoy it; I do it because someone has to take these terrible stories down a notch for the good of mankind, and it just so happens that I'm the man fate has chosen for that grueling job.

Take today's story for example... If you were standing right next to me, could you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that a Pokémon fanfic centering around the characters having sex at every possible opportunity and then getting murdered is something that shouldn't be scrutinized by someone with a critical eye and publicly exposed as the dissolute piece of moral refuse that it is? Look deep inside your heart, and you'll understand the necessity of my sacrifice.

Unfortunately, that last paragraph just blew the surprise for what the basic plot of today's fanfic is about. On the bright side, no amount of mental preparation will make reading the debacle that is to follow any easier or less painful. The individual you have to thank for all your future therapy bills is an author new to the fanfic scene who goes by the name 'TreeFolk'. Yeah, I know, I know... I'm personally going to give TreeFolk the benefit of the doubt and assume he's an Ent, but if not, then the bar for the most ridiculous pseudonym to appear on this site has just been raised higher than it's ever been.

In either case, will someone please tell me why the hell fanfiction authors never put spaces in their usernames? Demonicslayer, Blackberry14, TreeFolk... I'm getting real sick of this bullshit. If spaces aren't allowed, fine, but at least throw me a bone and put a dash or an underscore in there. I mean damn it to hell, people.

Anyway, I guess it's time to see whether or not TreeFolk is all bark and no bite (Haaa ha ha ha!), and find out if he really can write half a dozen chapters full of gratuitous sex and violence set in the Pokémon universe without making every single page of it thoroughly repulsive.

Spoiler: No, he can't.

 


 

The Bermuda Island

 

by TreeFolk


~Ash wins the lottery and decides to go on a cruise to a tropical island thats deserted. The only problem is there is a killer on the island and Ash and Co. have to figure out who it is and get off the island before they all die.


Ash must have the worst travel agent in history. If horror films have taught us anything, it's that young kids going to a deserted island is always a recipe for death. I think they would have been better off vacationing in a haunted castle or a secluded Midwestern town rumored to be inhabited by a satanic cult or something.


Chapter 1

I don't nor will I ever own pokemon or its characters. Although I wish I did I DON'T and I never WILL


Well not with that attitude you won't.

 

Ages:
May: 18
Ash, Erika, Ritchie, Melody, Misty, and Gary: 19
Brock, Sabrina:20
Whitney, Lance, and Morty:21
Clair, Blaine, and Pryce: 40


I see everyone's out of jailbait territory... We'll call that "Bad Omen #1".

It had been a week since Ash had won the lottery and during the week Ash decided that
he would take a break from his pokemon Journey and go on a nice cruise.


Remember kids, when you don't want to be bothered thinking of a convincing reason as to how your characters can afford to travel somewhere, just have one of them win the lottery.

Coming with him on that cruise were May, Brock, Misty, Morty, Whitney, Lance, Erika, Blaine, Sabrina, Pryce, Duplica, Gary, Melody, Ritchie, Clair, and Mewtwo.

Mewtwo!? "Oh I know, let's invite the psychotic, super-angsty Pokemon who can kill stuff with his mind! He'd be fun to have on a pleasure cruise, right?"

"Hey Ash, where are we going on this cruise anyway." said Blaine.

Blaine was so desperate to get out of the house that he agreed to take a trip with a kid he met once without even knowing where they were going.

"To Bermuda island, I hear they're really nice this time of the year." said Ash.

"ASH, IT'S SO HOT THERE THAT WE WON'T BE WEARING MUCH MORE THAN OUR SWIMSUITS" said Misty.


"Jesus Christ Misty, why the hell are you screaming into my ear!?" replied a very startled Ash.

While this was going on everyone else was loading the boat and getting ready to leave. "You 3. Stop arguing now and help us load the boat since it was your idea to go on this fuckin cruise in the first place." said Blaine.

I see, so Blaine is the token "crotchety old asshole" character in this story. I can't wait to see what other platitudinous stock roles the rest of the cast fall into.

"Seriously, I'm the youngest one here and I've helped more than you guys." said May.

"Okay we'll help already jeez you'd think they would thank us for letting them come on this cruise." said Ash.


They're a mutinous crew, Ash! Make 'em all walk the plank!

"Ash you had me rig it just so you could win so you should be thanking me for this cruise. Not the other way around." said Mewtwo.

I don't know which is more hilariously out of character; Ash asking Mewtwo to rig the lottery, Mewtwo agreeing to do it, or Team Rocket not showing up at some point to steal the winnings and somehow getting electrocuted to death.

"Okay I got the last damn bag on board so lets go already I want to get into a suit and get a tan." said Whitney.

"Okay everyone on board? Great. Then it's off to Bermuda. Where there's sun, surf, and oodles of girls in bikinis." said Brock.


TreeFolk sure is hell-bent on hyping the fact that this trip is going to involve women wearing swimsuits... I guess a lot of the thrill of getting to read about descriptions of bikinis is lost on me, having been down that road before.

"Actually Brock. We'll be the only ones on the island because it's owned by Gramps." said Gary.

"Hey I'm old enough to be your father, NOT grandfather." said Blaine.


Blaine: And it's not my fault the damn condom broke, alright!

"I was talking about Prof. Oak." said Gary.

Oh God, Blain is so senile he thought he actually owned a tropical island.

"If Prof. Oak owns the island. Then why did I have to get a boat to sail there." said Ash.

"You never asked." said Gary.


Somewhere, Professor Oak just did a Nelson laugh.

(A/N: They are sailing to Bermuda while all of this is going on. Morty is currently driving the boat.)

"Next on Channel 7 News: Hundreds died earlier today when an ocean liner ran ashore near the Vermilion City docks and plowed its way through several blocks of Main Street..."

"I'm going to sunbathe while we go there. Mewtwo, can you put some sunscreen on my back, Combusken can't hold thebottle." said May.

"Sure May, since this conversation is going nowhere pretty quickly."


Kind of like this fanfic...

So they went into May's room to get the sunscreen.

(IN MAY'S ROOM)


That scene transition sure was handled smoothly... Not at all like the less-subtle equivalent of someone holding up a title card written in crayon with half the words misspelled.

"Okay Mewtwo turn around until I say it's okay. I don't want you seeing anything that
you shouldn't." said May.

"Okay fine, but it's not like I can't see you in my mind." said Mewtwo.


Mewtwo: That's right bitch, I'm having lurid fantasies about you as we speak and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

"I know, but I want Ash to be my first."

I'm afraid your parents and family doctor and any classmates you shared a locker room with have already seen just about everything that Ash is gonna see.

So Mewtwo turned around and after a few minutes May said it was okay. What he saw mad it harder for him to hide his erection.

Excellent. I was really hoping it wouldn't be too much longer before we got to read about Mewtwo popping a boner. And WHY IS MEWTWO POPPING A BONER!?!?

May's top was like the top Misty wore in The Misty Mermaid episode and she had a thong for the bottom piece. the color of the bikini was red for those that were wondering.

"For those of you who have never seen The Misty Mermaid episode, which I guess is probably most of you, uh... just use your imagination. Imagine something, like, red, okay?"

So she laid down on her stomach while Mewtwo got ready to put on the sunscreen. He started to rub it on her back and decided to try a conversation to get his penis back in its sheath. "So you really like Ash huh." Yeah I do.

Aww, the narrator likes Ash. That's so sweet. :)

Although I don't know why he would like me when there are a dozen of other girls after him that are hotter then me.

"You'd be surprised about your looks and I'm sure you'll get Ash in bed with you. Your only competition is Misty and she hits him with a mallet on an hourly basis."


Mewtwo: You're kind of a dog, admittedly, but at least you're pretty easy and you don't threaten him with physical violence, so I guess that's a plus...

"Thanks for cheering me up Mewtwo."

"No problem I'm done so go out there and show Misty how to get a guy." So both went back on deck and May went to lie down in the sun.


That whole "win Ash's heart" thing is important to her, but as much as catching some rays.

Although Mewtwo looked a little redder then before and it didn't go unnoticed. "So Mewtwo. You and May got jiggy with it." said Gary.

I'd peg Gary as the "simple-minded pervert" character right about now, but honestly, that could describe most of the cast...

"No she wants Ash not me. You have no idea how frustrating it is to be the only one of your species." said Mewtwo.

Here, TreeFolk is using his own life experiences as a motivation for his characters.

"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure at least one of these girls would have sex with you if you asked them nicely enough."

Gary: Man, I don't know why they ever pulled my advice column from the paper...

They then arrived at the island. It wasn't very big. Only about 20 miles in diameter and is more or less egg shaped. There was however dense foliage and plenty of clearings where people could have privacy.

Talk about your descriptive writing. With all those sensory details to imagine, I feel like I'm really there!

The only building on the island was a huge house with 16 bedrooms and Mewtwo would sleep on the fold out bed from the couch since he didn't need as much privacy as everyone else.

I don't know about that, man. What if May walks by in a miniskirt and he gets another hard-on?

So after dinner everyone decided to go to bed since it was nearly 10:00p.m.

Jeez, these kids are real night owls. That's almost late enough for reruns of Andy Griffith to be on, for cryin' out loud.

Mewtwo was woken up sometime later in the night however by someone coming down the stairs. He could easily see because it was a full moon and the downstairs had a lot of windows. It turned out to be Erika in a forest green nightie.

I get it, she's wearing forest green lingerie because she's a grass-type Pokemon trainer! Wow, TreeFolk really did his homework on what motivates each of these characters. Maybe next, he'll have one of them randomly shout "I gotta catch 'em all!"

"Why are you up Erika."

"I had a bad dream and everyone else is asleep so could you let me sleep with you just for tonight." mewtwo chuckled at what she said but let her on his bed none the less.


The irony is that she's seeking a sense of security by sleeping next to an abomination of science who violently murdered his own creators.

"Thanks Mewtwo."

"No problem. I'm always willing to help out." Erika got ready to go to sleep and snuggled as close as she could to Mewtwo. Mewtwo after the previous events and sights of the day lost control and got an erection.


Mewtwo gets hard more easily than a 13 year old kid in a porn store. I would hate to have him over to watch TV or something, for fear that a beer commercial showing women in bikinis would come on and the bowl of popcorn in his lap would suddenly shoot up through the skylight like a Soviet missile and rocket out of earth's atmosphere.

Mewtwo was afraid his bedmate would be scared. Erika was just about to go back into dreamland when she felt something poking the small of her back.

Mewtwo is a "Pokey-mon"! Man, I must be like the last person in the entire world to think of that joke.

She turned around and looked at Mewtwo with her kind green eyes and said "Mewtwo I didn't know you had a gender."

"Yes when I was created they intended for me to mate with Mew so it never happened."


Holy shit! Mewtwo is as tall as an adult human and Mew is like the size of a housecat! That doesn't say much for Mewtwo's "pride" right there...

"So you have never had sex before?"

"No and I doubt I ever will as long as I live."

"I know how you feel. I'm a virgin as well because no guy wanted me."


Mewtwo: Christ! Why is it that every time I talk about relationships with someone, I end up having to console and reassure them! Bitch, I'm a living weapon who can kill shit with his mind! You think it's hard selling your dumb ass to a potential date, then try hitting the bar scene when you're ME!

"They are all fools for thinking that. You are one of the hottest girls on this island. Erika and Mewtwo's heads were getting closer and closer during this time and they finally kissed each other.

And thus they committed every possible sin at once.

After breaking off their first kiss Mewtwo went down her body until he reached where her pussy was and rubbed it through the fabric. With a swipe of his hands the nightie teleported to the floor.

This was the real reason for Mewtwo's creation. By the year 2030, scientists hope to have perfected underwear-teleportation technology to the point where it's simple enough for even children to operate.

He then stuck his inexperienced, but skilled tongue inside of her and started to eat her out. He licked all around her vagina and nibbled on her clit.

Erika: Ow. Ow! You're-- OW! Y-You're doing it wrong!!

After she was good and wet he slowly began kissing up her body until he got to her breast. He went to her left breast and started licking and biting down gently on it. Meanwhile his hand was playing with her other breast rubbing and tweaking the nipple. The after five minutes he switched and did that for another five minutes to the other breast.

Fun Fanfiction Fact: Due to an error made by one of the editors, a portion of this fanfiction was accidentally published as a highlight piece in the May, 2004 issue of Promising Young Writers magazine. The company responsible for publishing the magazine went bankrupt shortly after the issue hit newsstands, when all 52,000 of its subscribers canceled within the span of four days, and one of the head printing offices was burned to the ground by a mob of angry villagers.

He then kissed up her neck and started nibbling on the sensitive flesh their. Erika suddenly flipped him over so she was on top and had a mischievous smile on her face.

Erika: NOW we're having a party! Time to bust out the strap-on dildo, my little fucktoy bitch!

"Its your turn now Mewtwo." she said and went down his body to his twelve inch member. She engulfed the whole thing into her mouth.

"Ungh are you sure you haven't done this before Erika."


All she said was that she was a virgin, and if Clinton left us with anything, it was the lesson that oral sex doesn't count.

After awhile of that she went back to be even level with him and Mewtwo got on top. He could see her sweaty nude body because of the moonlight. her breasts heaved with every breath she took and her eyes told him she was ready. "Fuck me long and hard Mewtwo."

Boy, her eyes have some pretty foul language there...

He just smirked and slowly entered her hot moist vagina. She was so tight that he was in pure ecstasy by the time it was all the way in.

I wonder if this counts as bestiality.

They then got a rhythm going and whenever Mewtwo would pull out, Erika would tighten her muscles then loosened them when he went back in. "Erika I'm so close to the edge."

Erika: Already? Oh my God, are you REALLY a virgin!? I thought we were roleplaying!

"Me too Mewtwo." They both orgasmed at the same time and laid down into a blissful slumber for the rest of the night.

TBC

AN: This is my first lemon scene so please help me.


Dude, you need help. I'm not even talking about the fanfic, either.

There will be many different pairings and some couples will stay together while others will be ripped to shreds. Give me ideas and so help me if you don't have any reason in a flame. I do take criticism, but only if it improves my writing.

Well, um, shit. That's like saying "I'd like to buy this jacket, but only if it's made of magical thread that makes me invisible and able to breathe underwater."

*****

Chapter 2

(A/N: Oops I forgot Duplica's age. She'll also be 19.)


I'm glad TreeFolk put so much time and effort into designing these characters and planning out the story ahead of time.

It was the next morning. Everyone had seen Erika and Mewtwo on the couch together so after waking them up they all sat down to breakfast.

Ash: Yum, pancakes. Mmm. ........ Huh. Soooooo.... I noticed the couch in the living room is ruined.

May was fantasizing about Ash when Lance interrupted her train of thought "Didn't your grandpa hire a Nurse Joy and build a Pokemon Center here."

Holy crap, those Pokemon Centers are everywhere. Those things are worse than Starbucks.

"Yeah. Of course. Why do you ask?" said Gary.

"Because I was wondering what we would do if we had a pokemon battle and our pokemon were injured." said Lance. While he was saying this Lance was looking at Misty an May because everyone except Ash knew both girls were in love with him and didn't know who Ash was going to choose.


Lance's idea was to host an impromptu game show where the two girls could complete for Ash's affections, then sell the footage to FOX as a pilot for a new series called "Who Wants to Be a Loser's Girlfriend?"

Just then Misty got an idea of how to settle the war over Ash with May.

Alright! Someone is finally going to get murdered!

"Hey May I challenge you to a pokemon battle and once you lose you have to let me get Ash." said Misty.

Well goddamn it.

"Fine but you'll be the one crying while Ash and I are making passionate love in his room."

Seriously TreeFolk, you can't introduce a cast this thoroughly unlikable, promise the readers some much-needed killin', and then not deliver. That's just not cool.

Ash began choking on he last bit of food when he realized that both girls were in love with him. Fortunately Charizard sensed his master was in danger and help him out since everyone else was engrossed in the argument that was taking place across the table.

And to think that everyone laughed at Ash when he decided to teach Charizard 'Heimlich Maneuver' for his fourth attack.

With that breakfast was officially over and everyone went to do whatever the fuck they wanted while looking forward to a good pokemon battle that afternoon. Lance was walking on the beach enjoying the peace and quiet of the clearing when he heard a noise.

Please let it be the war drums of a cannibalistic tribe of natives...

'Hmm what is that. Sounds like music coming from across the clearing'. He looked over and saw Melody playing her flute on a rock.

Melody: To hell with this lame-ass island anyway. I'm warping to World 8!

When it was done she was startled off the rock when she heard clapping. Lance went over and helped her up. "That music you were playing was very soothing. What is the song called."

Lance: Oops, you split your head open on the rock. Oh well, you can tell me after you regain consciousness.

"I don't know, I just made it about a week ago so it doesn't have a name yet." They were currently on a cliff with waves crashing below them. One powerful wave caused Melody to fall off balance, but Lance caught her in time. Unfortunately, Lance couldn't keep his balance and so they both fell with Melody on top of Lance and their faces just inches apart.

Remember kids, if you want to have two characters get it on but can't think of a believable way to make it happen without wasting precious space in your story, just have them fall on each other somehow. Don't think of it as a stale cliché... Think of it as a tried and true shortcut to success!

Lance couldn't control his emotions anymore and kissed Melody.

He's been pining for her for, well, minutes!

At first it was just a kiss, but it soon evolved into making out. Lance reached behind her and untied the top of her bikini and briskly threw it a couple feet away.

Take that, article of clothing! That'll teach you to get in the way of people surrendering to their uncontrollable animal lust.

When he looked back at her he couldn't help but stare at her big breasts. He started to fleck and rub her nipples. They both took off the remainder of the others clothing and admired each others bodies.

Lance then flipped them over so Lance was on top and the motion caused Melody's boobs to jiggle turning him on and giving himself an idea.


He suddenly realized that he could order a copy of the new 'Dead or Alive' game off the internet and have it waiting for him by the time he got back from vacation.

"Melody, put some saliva on your hand and rub it on my dick."

"Okay, but why?"

"You'll see."


Lance: Melody, put my penis in your mouth and suck on it as hard as you can!

Melody: Well okay, but I don't see where you're going with this...

She seductively licked her hand until it was covered in saliva and started to pump Lance's dick. "Yes, that feels so good Melody."

Lance: Hey wait a minute, I can do this by myself. Umm... Maybe you can like, grab me a beer for afterwards or something?

"Good because I want to give you all the pleasure I possibly can."

"Okay thats enough. Now please squish your boobs together. Melody did so and Lance sat on her stomach. He thrusted his dick between her boobs causing both to moan in ecstasy.


That sounds pretty uncomfortable and humiliating, but at least her breasts seem to be enjoying it...

"Ohh Lance, this was a great idea. Don't stop."

"I won't. But just wait until later when we have even more privacy." Lance then shot out his load right onto Melody's face.


Sex scenes that demean the woman and glorify blatant male dominance are always the most erotic. NOW PUNCH HER IN THE THROAT, LANCE!

"Lance. I'm ready for you to enter me so let's become one. Lance positioned himself in front of her pussy and with one swift movement he was in. They picked up a rhythm soon after that.

Is this some kind of sex game show where they're on a time limit? "Orgasm again within 40 seconds and you get a chance to spin the Prize Wheel!"

"Ohh Melody you are so tight."

"Lance you're huge. Don't stop. I want to have a baby with you."


Oh shit! Red flag dude! RED FLAG!

"Are you sure about that? We just met yesterday."

I know, but I can tell now that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."


Melody: You seem abusive and domineering, and so far sex with you has been awkward and rushed, but I really like your haircut!

With that Lance grabbed her ass cheeks and thrusted harder. Both were close to the edge. Lance started licking the cum off of Melody's face.

Well now that is some disgusting shit. Damn, Lance, there are better ways of pretending you're gay to get out of marrying her...

Finally she was clean they shared one last kiss and ha the biggest orgasm of their life. Lance rolled off of her breathing deeply and finally Melody said. "Lance, do you believe in love at first sight?"

Lance: Oh, what, you're still here? Normally this is the part where the woman I'm with takes the money off the nightstand and leaves so I can get some sleep.

Lance responded. "Yes I do and I think I have it bad for you."

"So do I. I've been in love with you ever since I saw you on the port, but didn't think I was attractive enough to have a chance with you."


Today, Melody learned that sluttiness can make up for being ugly; a lesson that would serve her well for the rest of her days.

"What made you think that."

"Because you are a member of the Elite Four and have tons of hot girls throwing themselves at you each day."


Only in the realm of TreeFolk's twisted imagination does wearing a cape and making small creatures fight each other for a living get you hordes of attractive women wanting to become part of your personal harem.

"True, but you're the only one who wants me for who I am, not what I am and that's why I'll marry you after this trip."

"Thank you. Isn't the battle between Misty and May starting soon." said Melody.


Enough of that "spending the rest of their lives together" crap, anyway. It's time to get back to what really matters in life... Pokemon battles!

"Yeah it starts in 30 minutes so we better get going since I'm the judge."

So they got dressed and headed toward the area where the battle for Ash's heart would be fought out.


And another opportunity for genuine character development comes crashing to the ground, just like TreeFolk's ancestors before they were hauled away and made into furniture for a ski lodge.

TBC

A/N: Hmm another couple, another chapter written. Like it? Hate it?


Hmm... Do you have anything in stock that's stronger than "hate"?

R/R. Tell me if my writing is better or worse then the last chapter. Sorry if it seems confusing, but this is only my second chapter to my first story.

The more confusing you can make it, the better. It was during the parts where I understood what was going on that my desire to punch a hole through my wall was the strongest.

I have most of the pairings set up aside from the Ash/May/Misty triangle and I'll try to get them all going next chapter and hopefully have it up within a week. So again please leave reviews. Oh and the killer makes an appearance next pretty soon.

Good. I'm getting sick of reading about the characters doing something other than dying.

*****

Chapter 3

(A/N: Hmm I need to update more often or the story will never get finished. Also I'm lazy so the battle will be quick.)


This is a Pokemon fanfic, after all, so let's breeze through the Pokemon battle so we can get to MORE FUCKING.

The time for the pokemon battle between Misty and May was rapidly approaching. Everyone was either excited, or in Ash's case nervous about who would win and who he would have to date.

Ash: I didn't agree to any of this... Hell, is this even legal?

"So Ash who do you want to win? May or Misty."

"Well Gary I want M"


Ash wants to get freaky with James Bond's boss!?

"HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST POKEMON BATTLE ON BERMUDA ISLAND BETWEEN MAY AND MISTY. I'll be the judge and my name is Lance. This is no ordinary battle as the victor will also claim Ash's heart and get to go on at least one date with him unless Ash doesn't want to."

"Hah hah, that's right Lance! I'm John Madden, and I'll be commentating on today's match as well. Oh man, is it a great day for a Pokemon battle here at Bermuda Stadium. Bermuda Dome. Bermuda... Island? Whatever. Anyway, these girls are gonna bring out the Pokemon today with one game plan in mind, and that's attack each other. Should be a fantastic game! So let's get that ball on the field... The Pokemon Ball, that is! Poker-Ball, Poke-Ball, Pork-Ball... Oh, it's Poké-Ball, with the little accent thing right in there just right like that. BOOM! Hah hah, fantastic. I'm John Madden. Back to you Lance!"

"Enough of the introductions let's get started so I can show that wench what happens when she tries to get my Ash from me." said Misty.

"Oh yeah well at least I don't hit people over the head with a mallet just to win an argument and Ash is not your property." said May.


This scene is more fun if you mentally insert some head bobbing and a few "Oh no you di'unt!"'s.

"Oh yeah, well my water pokemon will show you the true meaning of drowning."

"No need Psyduck showed us that the first day here."


(There's a really great, moving scene in the Extended Edition of this fic, where Blaine falls overboard and Psyduck sacrifices himself to save him. Totally makes it worth shelling out the extra cash for the two-disc set if you ask me.)

"Okay ladies thats enough. This match will be a three on three battle with no time limit. Begin!" said Lance. He really wanted to get out of there and do it with Melody in his room.

Cheap, meaningless sex is everybody's motivation for everything in this story.

"Okay fine then Misty calls Starmie."

"Hah if all you have is water pokemon then I'll have Ash in my bed in no time. Go poocheyena."

"Starmie use ice beam."


I scream, you scream, we all.... Eh, forget it. That joke was going nowhere.

Dodge and use hyper beam poocheyena." The ice beam rocketed at poocheyena as he was charging up hyper beam. At the last second he dodged and KO'ed starmie in one hit with hyper beam.

Wow, Starmie is kind of a pussy.

"It's a one hit wonder as starmie is unable to battle and the round goes to poocheyena."

"No starmie. You shall be avenged."


Such RAW EMOTION!

"Hah is that all you got. Poocheyena eats pokemon like that for breakfast."

These girls are about as good at trash-talking as TreeFolk is at not making me wish he'd died in a forest fire before he got the chance to write this fic.

"You'll pay dearly for that. Go Blastoise."

"Okay second match. Blastoise v.s. poocheyena. Begin!"


Poor Lance is really just phoning it in at this point...

"Blastoise use hydro pump on that little mutt."

"Poocheyena watch out." It was too late however as hydro pump blasted poocheyena a couple feet back. However when the dust cleared poocheyena was glowing white.


Poocheyena's going Super Saiyan! This battle just took a turn for the AWESOME!

"All right! Poocheyena is evolving. You're dead now." Poocheyena then finished evolving into mighteyena. "Okay mighteyena. Use take down on that overgrown turtle."

Mighteyena then ran and tackled blastoise. However it had no effect on him and mighteyena got knocked out by the recoil.


Dude, Mighteyena just KO'd himself. I think Magikarp has some new competition for the title of the most useless Pokemon ever.

"It's okay mighteyena. You did good and deserve to rest."

"Yeah you can put that mutt to sleep alright."

"Okay Misty this pokemon will win it for me."


So, I guess that part about this being a "quick" battle was basically just a bunch of bullshit, then.

"Oh yeah well call it out already."

"Fine. Go manectric. Manectric use thunder and win this for me." Manectric used thunder effectively knocking out Misty's blastoise in a single hit.


Misty and May must have some the weakest, most malnourished Pokemon in the world... I feel like I'm reading the script for a dramatized flashback sequence on some animal cruelty-themed Dateline NBC special.

"No Blastoise."

"Ha you have only one pokemon left and it'll fall to my strong manectric."

"No it won't. Go gyarados."


When all else fails, Misty summons the power of traditional Greek cooking!

"Okay manectric use another thunder." Manectric did so scoring a critical hit and winning the match for May. Ash ran onto the field and gave May a very passionate kiss.

Oh dude. Dude. That was epic! I'm so glad I read through that entire battle scene, because the ending was just so hugely climactic and awesome. The way the plot twists were just firing at me left and right and the story kept piling on all that intense buildup, I was totally on the edge of my seat there. And then, the way Misty's Pokemon fell in one hit, just like all her other Pokemon did... Oh man. That was some powerful shit right there. I'm like frigging shaking right now. The mental image of May reaching out and screaming "Okay manectric use another thunder," is gonna keep me pumped for, like, the whole rest of the day.

I need to end this review right now, because I want to end on a high note and nothing... nothing... can possibly top the sheer mind-blowing awesomeness of that last battle. Nothing.
 


I think I speak for everyone when I say that fanfic was absolutely tree-mendous! Ah ha ha ha ha! Hoooo man... But seriously, though, that was a horrible story. I've had vivid, disturbing nightmares that seem like trips to Six Flags compared to reading through those first three chapters.

Not only was the writing terrible and the plot largely incomprehensible, but if I recall, we were very specifically promised scenes where various members of the cast are murdered in cold blood. Now maybe this is just old-fashioned thinking on my part, but if you write a story and label it as "mystery/horror" and explicitly state in the synopsis that the plot is going to center around a murder mystery, then perhaps, you know, just for the sheer hell of it, you should have your story involve a murder mystery.

I would be downright outraged over this blatant false advertising, except I know the story is only half over and we still have three chapters left to drudge through in which almost anything could happen. ...Anything so long as it isn't good, at least. That just doesn't seem to be what TreeFolk's writing style is all about.

As much as I admire this young writer for his creative spirit and free will to be different and rise above the tenet that good writing is the route all authors should take, I'm going to tell you all one thing right now: If the second half of this fanfic is as bad or worse than what I just got through reading, then there will be a murder to speak of, and the mystery of who the culprit is will be a real fucking easy one to solve, because I'll be sitting right there next to TreeFolk's corpse clutching a bloody knife in my hands with a vacant, detached look in my eyes as I slowly rock back and forth and mutter to myself about cartoon characters slurping up assorted sexual fluids off of each other's faces. Hell, if you guys want, I'll even set up a video camera beforehand so that my triumphant moment of liberating the internet from more dreadful stories written by this maniac can be immortalized on film for all time.

In any case, be sure to check out the next episode and find out what happens to our intrepid troupe of horny heroes. I promise it'll be a fun, entertaining read that surly won't leave you stricken with regret! (If TreeFolk can lie to his readers, then so can I.)