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Episode 15: "An Uchiha's Proposal"
(A 'Naruto' fanfiction by Exrxr)

I hate Naruto fans.

The above statement is a fact that's bound to become apparent to all readers at some point during the course of this fanfiction review. I briefly considered seeing how long I could keep up a facade of objectivity and pretend that I started this thing with no preexisting bias against Naruto or the people who enjoy it, but to hell with it. The truth is going to be obvious sooner or later, so I may as well just come right out and admit it. I'd like to think I learned something from O.J. Simpson's mistakes, even if O.J. Simpson didn't.

Naruto itself is a series that I gave a chance some years ago when the anime and manga first showed up in the good old US of A. I faithfully stuck with it through the end of the second major story arc, and while I did enjoy some of the secondary characters and the more creatively-executed battle sequences, it eventually got to the point where I just couldn't swallow all the bullshit Masashi Kishimoto was trying to force down my throat. All the main characters start out irritating as hell and only get worse as the story progresses, a bunch of critical plot points are laughably convoluted, the emotional tone is all over the map, and the setting is an incongruous mix of sci-fi and fantasy that never quite does either genre justice. Also, for a series that tries to be funny as often as Naruto, you'd think the humor would consist of more than a bunch of eye-roll inducing slapstick sight gags and fart jokes.

I realize it probably seems unnecessary for me to rag on Naruto like this right before reviewing a story that effectively deals such a cruel blow to the series. Maybe it even seems downright out of character for me, since it isn't like I felt the need to go into any detail about why I dislike certain other anime series that have appeared in fanfics I've examined on the site (and I certainly had an opportunity with all those Sailor Moon and Pokémon fics I suffered through). One crucial element separates Naruto from every other series I've defended from vicious canon-rape through PA, however. I'm talking, of course, about its fucking crazy-ass fanbase.

Now, rather than steering this intro even further off course by listing why exactly I detest hardcore Naruto fans (or "Narutotards" as they're affectionately called by the rest of the anime fandom) as much I do, I'll let this episode's featured fanfiction explain it for me. The story encapsulates the average Naruto fan perfectly; it's awkward, confusing, dumb as hell, unabashedly gay, and it probably takes daily trips to the manga section of the nearest bookstore wearing one of those ridiculous ninja headbands that make the entire anime fanbase look so stupid that I feel like some kind of degenerate social outcast for standing in the checkout line at Best Buy with the newest volume of Black Lagoon in my hand. Titled "An Uchiha's Proposal", the story chronicles Sasuke's efforts to find a wife— err, life partner in order to save his job at the ninja company. Or something along those lines. It's tough to keep track of little details in the plot when you've got so much STUPID to wade through.

The author of this ocean of nonsense is every bit as mysterious as the reasons behind his work's existence. Exrxr, as he calls himself, is one of the few fanfiction authors I've encountered who avoids filling his online profile pages with loads of extraneous information about his personality and hobbies as if anyone besides him actually gives a damn. The personal info he provides is so minimal, in fact, that I'm not even sure Exrxr is male. Just to prove that I'm not someone who believes in every negative stereotype, however, I'll overlook the cliché that all fanfics with gay pairings are written by yaoi-obsessed fangirls and assume that this one was penned by a guy.

And because I'm all about honesty today, I'll admit that Exrxr being a man is partially wishful thinking on my part. The reason being that there's so much unwarranted hatred targeted at the female characters in this story that if Exrxr is a woman, then she would have to be tormented by so much self-loathing that she's probably hanged herself with the sash of a fabulous cosplay wedding kimono by now. Maybe it's ultimately for the best, but I'd still rather not ridicule someone as long as there's a possibility that their ghost will haunt me. The last thing I need is a poltergeist in my house that leaves half-eaten Pocky and gay pornography everywhere.



An Uchiha's Proposal


Author: Exrxr

Archived: Slashfanfiction only (hehe, don't you guys feel lucky!)

A quick Google search reveals that this story was also uploaded on I'm sure the admins over at Slashfanfiction are heartbroken over losing exclusive rights to a gem like this.


Disclaimer: I do not in any way or form own "Naruto" the manga nor anime.

Well, ho ho ho. Here I am, back again with another fic.

^ What you hear on Christmas morning if you've been really, really bad the previous year.

I'm supposed to be revising but what do I do?! Yes, dam. Honestly! I was studying (or was that procrastinating to study?) but then my muse came along and I guess I just had to get this out of my system before I forget the plot.

Have fun explaining to your teacher that the reason you got a 'D' on the history quiz is because you just HAD to write some homoerotica based on your favorite cartoon show before you forgot the brilliant plot you thought of that's so thin and straightforward you could have fit the entire thing on a Post-it note.

Also, I've noticed there are not many SasuNaru proposals done before. I've read a lot of SasuNaru fics; them being together, them going to be together, a Hokage Naruto being with an Elite Jounin Sasuke etc.

For those people who say I'm too hard on the fanfiction community, consider this: According to fanfiction authors, Sasuke/Naruto isn't a pairing. It's the name of an entire fucking subgenre.

But I've only read one other fic where Sasuke proposes to Naruto.

Thus, it has come to my attention that I will also write one up. I hope I don't stuff it up! Also, this is a ONE-SHOT fic!!! Meaning there is NO second chapter so don't ask for one; my decision has been made FINAL!

I wonder if Exrxr really gets that many requests for sequels, or if he's just that arrogant in assuming everyone will read this and want more. Hmm, both scenarios seem crazy, yet tragically, both are entirely possible...

Now, on with the fic!

These are thoughts

-- -- -- -- These are scene changes -- -- -- --

These are the times that try men's souls.

Scene Setting:
Tsunade is in her office, waiting for the arrival of Uchiha Sasuke for an important meeting. Naruto and the cast are aged around 18 and 19 yrs. HOWEVER! Naruto is still 17; he's got a few months to go until he's 18. For this fic's purposes, the legal age of being, well, legal to do anything without a guardian's permission is 18.

"Guardian, can I use the bathroom?"

"You shut your seventeen-year-old mouth and get the hell back to work! I've got another two months of exploiting you for free labor in the lava mines, and dammit, I'm gonna use 'em!"

-- -- -- -- Hokage's Office -- -- -- --

Tsunade turned around to look out of the only window available in the Hokage office. Glancing up, she was met with the engraved faces of the other Hokages along with her own. Rubbing at her temple, she contemplated on what she was going to inform the last Uchiha.

Kami, help me!

For those who don't know, "Kami" means god in Japanese. So it's like she's saying "God help me!" except in Japanese. ...Except, uh, in English. Wait...

Sighing again for the millionth time that day since her meeting with the council, the Fifth went to a side draw to find the emergency sake that was always there. Finding the said item, she brought the white bottle up to her pink lips and downed the whole of the contents in one go.

She set the white bottle down on her grey desk, shut her brown eyes tightly as she lurched forward, then emptied a puce green stream of vomit all over her blue shirt. Boy, was her face red!

One must note, at this stage, that when one downs an alcoholic beverage in the spans of two seconds flat, it is emanate that one will become drunk fast, no matter their body weight nor how immune they seem to it.

If only that were true, I'd save a bundle on booze every week. You don't know about building up a tolerance to alcohol until you've run a site dedicated to reviewing Z-grade amateur writing for half a decade.

Therefore, the orthodox way in which one very dunk Fifth Hokage went about informing something that was of substantial importance to one irritated Uchiha was not well perceived.

Exrxr sure has one massive hard-on for the passive voice. He also writes like someone who just bought their first thesaurus and is absolutely giddy over the idea of finally being able to look like a genius on the internet.

"Come again, Hokage-sama?" enquired the Sharingan user as he tried to stop his left eyebrow from having a seisure of its own.

"I said: You. Have. To. Get. Married." Spelled out the blonde gambler as if she was talking to a three year old kid.

Damn, people get married young in the Naruto universe.

"Pray may I ask: why?"

At this, the Fifth frowned as if she was trying to remember something. However, in her drunken state, she didn't quite remember the reasons.

In other words, Exrxr didn't feel like thinking up an explanation for the plot device which his entire story is structured around.

Thus, with a wave of her hand, she replied: "Make babies?"

Tsunade: The council decided the village needs more unsociable, effeminate assholes for some reason. I don't know, we're trying win over tourists from Seattle, I guess.

Hiccupping a little, the Fifth tried to pull some dignity back together and straightened up in her chair.

"Ahem. Anyhow, you're relieved of duty until you've found a wife and have impregnated her. . . or something along those lines."

Feeling his patience thinning quite quickly, the raven-haired youth was about to complain when something more appealing came to mind.

It suddenly occurred to him that, wait a second, getting paid vacation time to have sex might not be such a horrible thing. Still, his love of complaining urged him to bitch about something... anything, really, just to make the hurting go away for a few precious seconds.

Mulling over his idea a bit further, the Uchiha decided to ask one final question before he made his decision.

Sasuke: After I get married, can I still continue to pay whores to pee on my feet while I pleasure myself?

"Then what of my . . . wife? Will my wife also be excused of shinobi duties until they gave birth?"

Without thinking, the Fifth replied in slurred manner: "Hai hai."

Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 1: Hai hai means Get me a bucket, you little rectal zit.

"I'll announce my wife at four this afternoon in Training Area Ground 5." Perfect.

With that, the Uchiha heir bowed to the Hokage and made a calm exit.

Huh? That was all? That's easier than thought.

Wait, whose thoughts am I reading now? Oh shit, what's happening!?

What had not been seen was the gleam in those dark eyes as the other had exited.

-- -- -- -- Somewhere in Naruto's apartment -- -- -- --

Dear Readers:
Couldn't decide whether to have this scene take place in the kitchen or the bedroom. Please use your imagination and picture it wherever you want. Thanks!
- The Author

A blond, young ninja woke up with a shiver of impending doom. In his state of half-awake ness, the feeling was discarded quite easily as the early mid-morning rituals of waking up, eating ramen and training were continued.

-- -- -- -- Later around lunchtime -- -- -- --

Are these scene introductions purposely vague to keep us in suspense, or what? Is the fact that it's currently 12:46 some shocking revelation that's going to reveal the identity of the murderer at the end of the movie?

By this time, word of the Uchiha survivor's proposal to his future wife-to-be had spread around like wildfire. Every girl, and some boys, were ecstatic at the news and ran about franticly trying to look their best.

It wouldn't be a Naruto fanfic if every single character wasn't absolutely off-the-wall fuckshit-crazy for some of Sasuke's luscious ninjahood.

Among the first to know about this exciting piece of information was a pink-haired kunoichi. The first thought that went through her pink bubblegum head was: OMG! Sasuke's going to marry me!

Second thought: OMG! I need to change!

I guess it's apparently a stereotype that dumb people think in acronyms, now. As confusing as that is, I can't say I'm surprised to see that yet another yaoi shipper maintains an unhealthy hatred for the source material's female characters. Because there's no room for fish on a sausage platter.

There was a gleam in green eyes quickly covered by a cloud of dust. Thus, a pink and red blur was seen passing at the speed of light through the town.

Even Amy Rose from the Sonic games wants a piece of Sasuke's pasty emo ass.

The next person to hear this news was someone with silverish hair and a mask and scarf that covered all of their face save for one eye.

Now who is this mystery character!? Seriously, not one individual in this story has been named since the first scene. Instead, we're expected to play "Match the character to their hair color."

Their first thoughts were a bit, eh, disturbing than the one before.

Wife eh? snicker I wonder how long our Sasu-kun is going to take to impregnate "her"?

That's creepy. Not the part about Sasuke knocking up his future wife, I mean the fact that Kakashi imagined himself snickering. Who does that?

Then, the next thought that followed after wasn't any, er, safer.

I don't think Sasuke's wife is going to be happy about that. Especially when "she" wants to be Hokage. Then . . . . he he he! Poor Sasu-kun! He'll be working "under" his wife then! insane snickering

Goodness, I sure do feel "weird" ever since I downed that whole bottle of "pills" I found discarded on that "bench" earlier. I suppose I shoul—N'gerrk! Ahh, ah... Oh dear, I seem to have had a mild "stroke" just now. uncontrollable spasms

While during this time, in Training Area Ground 5, one lone blond figure was training undisturbed by all the commotion in the village.

-- -- -- -- Around 3:50 that afternoon -- -- -- --

Give or take. Unimportant details are unimportant; get back to describing hair colors already!

Naruto had been working off a sweat under the afternoon sun for nearly four hours straight. As the blond had woken up late like usual, the young fox carrier had decided to eat late and forego lunch just to have an early dinner.

That's great. Why are we being told this, exactly?

However, on this fine afternoon, it was a bit unexpected when a hoard of girls, boys and nearly the whole of Naruto's friends had showed up at the same training grounds.


The blond was just a little surprised to also see the Fifth, who was also with the toad summoner, there among the crowd.

The blond, the Fifth, the toad summoner... I guess the Awful Writing Supply Emporium must have been completely sold out of pronouns when Exrxr stopped by.

Is there a festival on? Did I miss an important meeting or something? Thought the blond as he looked warily around at all of the blushing and bubbling girls.

Somehow, within four seconds, the blond found himself squashed among the herd of female bodies with their short dresses and bright accessories. Naruto nearly choked in that situation with all of that perfume that the herd of "things" seemed to wear.

You'll notice one of Exrxr's trademarks as a writer is displaying an overpowering contempt for females whenever possible. Another trademark: Sucking.

Over the years, the blond had found that he had been merging (sorta) with the parasite within him. Along the merging process, Naruto had attained some enhanced senses, one of them being smell which did not go well with the blond ninja at this moment.

Gaaaaahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! I can't take this anymore!

Naruto: Who the hell set up the taco bar for these chicks!? Wait, shouldn't the canine demon in me like the smell of butts? Ahhh, now I'm grossed out AND confused!

Holding his breath for the meantime, the blond dropped on all fours to burrow his way out of the forest of skinny legs. Reaching a break in the white sticks, the blond tumbled out of the freakish area only to land at the feet of some blue sandals.

This story was partially adapted from a children's pop-up book designed to teach little kids the names of colors. I can't wait for the sequel where Naruto learns how to count to ten.

Looking up, blue eyes meet up with . . .

Dun. Dun. Dun.

Duuuuuuuuunnn Duuuuuuuuunnn . . . .

The upside curve of a single eye. (A/N: hah! Got you guys there!)

Haha, ho boy, you sure did, Exrxr. Based on that buildup, I was totally expecting him to see a penis dangling inches from his face.

"Yo!" chirped the happy Jounin.

"K-Kakashi-sensei? What's going on?"

Looking at his only blond student, the Copy Cat Nin contemplated on what to tell (or in this case not tell) to the other.

Kakashi: Hey, Naruto, you know how you've never gotten to experience the thrill of having your home destroyed by an explosion because of a meth lab in the apartment below yours? Well, I got some good news buddy!

Hmmm...If I told him this then...But if I told it like this...

Finally coming to a conclusion, the Jounin replied: "Sasuke's here to challenge you to a fight in front of everyone. If he loses, then he's going to admit that he is weaker than you in front of all the people that are here. He'll be here at four which is only a few minutes away."

Nice goin', COCKashi. Now I fear that some wacky, madcap antics may occur as a result of some comical misinterpretation of the situation on Naruto's part. No way I'll be able to appreciate the seriousness of the circumstances now.

This, of course, was a total lie. However, for the Uchiha's proposal to go as planned, a certain blond-haired, blue-eyed individual also had to be present.

Claudia Schiffer? Please think of a better way to specify characters besides constantly referencing their hair and eye color. Using their FUCKING NAMES might work.

However, sigh, I might get killed by Naru-chan later but...this opportunity was too good to pass up! This is just as good as Icha Icha Paradise: Volume 4!

As if Kakashi wasn't creepy enough in this story, now he's drawing a parallel between deceiving a young boy and reading pornography.

Plus, the blond was to know that he never told any truths if his excuses for lateness were any indication of that, reasoned the silver-haired Jounin.

Naruto, taking the bait and never backing out from any challenge, had decided to wait a safe distance away from the herd of "things".

Naruto: Ugh, just look at those vile creatures, standing there gabbing about unicorns and babies and whatnot, leaking their disgusting uterus fluids everywhere... *shudder*

Two minutes after the deadline and the blond was restless.

"Where is that bastard! I don't have all day! I'm actually hungry if his Uchiha-highness doesn't know! If he's not here in two seconds I'm leaving!"

Onlooker: Stop yelling things at the air! It makes you look retarded.

Naruto: YOU make me look retarded! Wait, I mean, shit.

Grumbling under his breath, the blond didn't realise that there was another presence near him. That is, until a gust of wind and leaves swirled behind him and a pair of pale arms grasped him from behind.

That entrance couldn't have been any gayer if Sasuke had ridden in on a pink pony with a vibrating dildo hanging out of his mouth.

Caught a little off guard, the blond 'eeped' at the sudden warmth of another body pressed so intimately against his.

"Didn't know you'd wait for me even if you're hungry, Naruto." Whispered a husky voice near a tanned neck.

Let me guess what happens next: The blond's blue eyes fluttered shut, tightening beneath blond eyebrows, and his tanned body shuddered as he sensed a rush of tortured mysteriousness from the other non-blond individual.

Feeling a warm breath of air around his very sensitive neck, the blond blushed a rosy pink before jumping around out of the other's arms to face the owner of said arms. With feet a little apart and fists raised, the blond pushed down his blush in favour of scowling at the other.

Though the blond scowled, his blue eyes softened as he felt a tingle in his blond pubic hair, and what happened next, why his blue eyes shut tightly before opening again, looking at the pale raven-haired and not blue-eyed metrosexual delight before him. He was blond. The blond one, I mean, not the other one who isn't blond.

"Ok Sasuke-teme! I've waited long enough so hurry up so I can kick your ass!"

At the mere mention of the Uchiha's name, many, many, many pairs of eyes whipped around to the smirking Uchiha. Everyone held their breath to see who the Sharingan user would choose.

The sound of people breathing disrupts Sasuke's delicate concentration.

"Hn. Never knew you were waiting that long for me, dobe."

Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 2: Dobe is a term that means a compulsive shoplifter (colloquial expression).

At this, the blond looked uncertainly at the other. It had almost seemed like the Uchiha had said that name in an affectionate way. Shaking his head at the absurdity of it all, the blond narrowed his eyes at the other.

The Uchiha noticed the narrowed blue eyes of the blue-eyed blond-haired blond standing before him. Smirking at the blond, the Uchiha sexily rubbed some moisturizer into his pale hands as blue eyes (which belonged to the blue-eyed blond) watched the Uchiha do the aforementioned thing he was doing.

No way he's getting me unguarded again!

However, the blond was caught off guard again but this time in a totally different manner. The Uchiha, who was also the last surviving Sharingan heir, had knelt down on one knee.

This is Sasuke's ultimate technique coming up. Watch as he pretends to offer to shine his opponent's shoes, then knifes 'em in the kidney!

Withdrawing out a dark red box, the Uchiha opened the top to reveal a simple banded ring with the Uchiha fan in a finely cut diamond and red ruby. Around the golden band were small patterns that couldn't be seen but upon closer inspection it proved to be small spirals.

Aww, that's nice. Next to hearts, I think spirals are just about the most romantic shape there is.

Girls that were behind the blond gasped at the beauty of the simple yet very hand-crafted ring. While Naruto just blanched at the one holding the box.

What is he up to? Is this some kind of weird jutsu he's learnt from Kakashi-sensei!

It's the ancient ninja art of setting yourself up for a really obvious Lord of the Rings joke. In fact, I'm not even touching that one.

However, the next sentence proved the blond's last thought to be wrong.

Cool, thanks for that heads-up on what I'm about to read next. It would have sucked to have been unprepared for that.

"Uzumaki Naruto, will you take this ring and marry me?"

At this point, many mixed reactions went throughout the crowd. Some cried, like some of the girls that had hoped that the Uchiha would choose them. Some had blanched at the thought. There were some that were disgusted at the idea of two males marrying but there were also some that were drooling at that same idea.

I'm not opposed to gay marriage, but if I was, drooling fanfiction authors would be my go-to argument against it.

Then there were some that were furious at the idea. Those that were furious consisted mostly of Tsunade and Iruka who were the most protective of the blond.

As well as a bunch of Catholics who happened to be there for an unrelated function.

How dare he ask for Naruto's hand in marriage before asking me! He's not even legal to accept! You damn Uchiha! I'm not going to let you lay even ONE finger on him you hear!

How can he HEAR what you're thinking? This story is a series of giant logical contradictions surrounded by numerous smaller logical contradictions.

However, the only reaction that seemed to matter at that point was the blond's. Naruto's reaction was not what anyone had expected. First, his head was bowed down so his blond bangs had covered his eyes so that no emotions were able to be seen.

Just like anime characters often do in those sorts of situations. Nope, never would have expected an anime character to do something like that.

After a few seconds, his shoulders started to quiver and a shake, followed by a laugh erupted from the fox carrier.

The blond fox carrier, you mean. Also, what does that have to do with anythi—

Everyone had quietened down at the blond's insane laughter.

Yep, there it is. You son of a bitch.

Sasuke, at this time, had a stoic expression on but inside, a swirl of emotional turmoil was taking place. Why is he laughing? Wasn't I sincere enough? Will he accept? Will he decline? Hn. He won't decline me, not after I persuade him.

The Uchiha was snapped out of his thoughts when a hard fist connected with his check.

Sasuke: Ah shit, that hasn't been cashed yet! Damn, now I can't afford to eat this month, either. Dirty pool, man.

"You (punch) JERK! (kick) I'm (punch) NOT (punch) going (kick) to (punch) marry (punch) YOU (a very hard punch)!"

This is something people like Exrxr hear (and feel) a lot from normal people who they get too clingy with.

After throwing a few more chakra enhanced punches for good measure, the blond stopped a few feet away from the other. Huffing a little, Naruto looked up at the other with a scowl.

A 'poof' sound was heard and what appeared to have been "Sasuke" was replaced by a log. This did not bode well for the blond which only just fuelled his anger.

Wait, so it was actually a log that proposed to Naruto? What the hell would have happened if he'd said yes? Would Sasuke have stepped out and proposed for real? Maybe he would've kept hiding until weeks later, after the wedding had taken place, then jumped out and been all "Ha ha, Naruto, you [Japanese insult], you just married a LOG!" Then Naruto would be all like :O

"Come out here you stupid bastard! This is NOT funny! Show your ugly face here now so I can kick the living daylights out of you, TEME!" Breaking for breath, the blond looked around him warily.

Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 3: Teme is a term that means a person who is hung like an ant.

His request was immediately replied as the becoming-all-too-familiar swirl of air and leaves passed behind the blond and the becoming-very-familiar pale arms wrap around his waist.

"I AM serious." Replied the Sharingan user.

"Marry me or your daughter is dead! DEAD, Uzumaki!"

Sensing that the blond's boiling point was about to explode, the Uchiha placed a small kiss on the tanned neck. Feeling a tingling sensation throughout his body at the simple contact, Naruto blushed even redder than the first time as all anger dissipated for some unknown reason.

Naruto, understandably, just wet his pants in fear of Sasuke's quickly escalating madness.

"But since my first attempt was so bluntly refused..." said the Uchiha as he placed further kisses up the sensitive flesh while a pale hand slipped under a black garment to finger quivering tanned abs.

It's almost surreal how elaborately terrible the writing in this fic is becoming. This shit makes the $6 romance novels they sell at airports look like they were written by Hemingway on brain steroids.

"Then I have no choice but to use force in my second attempt." At the use of the word 'force', the Uchiha's hips pushed forward to show his leering intentions.

Naruto: Holy God, he's going to rape me! Aaaaaahhh! Why isn't anyone helping me!? What the hell is WRONG with you people!?

Blushing even redder than a tomato, the blond tried to stutter a few words out in refusal when he felt a film of blue chakra wrap around him. A puff of smoke was all that was left in Training Ground 5 as the Uchiha had taken his "wife-to-be" back to more private quarters to "persuade" the other to accept his proposal.

Jesus, this is even worse than having the mob "persuade" you to do something. Yeah, you get your fingers broken and your toes chopped off, but at least you don't lose consciousness listening to a paramedic yell "I need more gauze to shove up the anus to control the bleeding!"

Those that were still at the training grounds were a bit shocked. Nobody had expected the last surviving Uchiha to be so blunt in front of so many people and friends. However, there were only a few that were not so shocked (namely Jiraiya and Kakashi) who just smirked knowingly at the disappearing white smoke.

"Heh, that Sasuke, always raping people... Naw, he's a good kid though."

A few minutes later, two powerful and angered individuals had to be knocked unconscious for one Uchiha Sasuke's survival.

-- -- -- -- 10 minutes later that same afternoon -- -- -- --

Nobody had heard the Uchiha's second attempt at proposing to the loud blond.

They didn't hear the clanking of metal chains, the sound of leather hitting exposed flesh, the desperate pleas for mercy, or even the panicked bleating of the goat that was an unwitting participant in a twisted affront to all that is holy and decent.

However, everyone in Konoha DID hear the blond's reply as a scream erupted from the fox carrier. It was also noted that the words uttered were: "YES! K-Kami, ah! Yes!"

Nice to see the harmful stereotype that people secretly enjoy being raped doesn't only apply to women anymore. Way to break down some barriers, fanfiction.

And that was the End.

Hehehe, Sorry if I couldn't add in how Sasuke managed to persuade Naruto to change his decision but then it'd require me to write a lemon scene.

Damn, I really hate that I missed out on reading a bunch of clumsily-written sentences describing a cartoon ninja being forcibly penetrated by another cartoon ninja.

And I'd take even longer to post this up! That plus I'm not really into writing a lemon (it was hard enough writing 'cure to pain' as it was!)

It was hard enough reading Cure to Pain. You bastards are lucky I didn't decide to review that one.

And last but not least, please REVIEW!!!! I'll LOVE you forever for doing so!!!

Since your definition of "love" seems to involve violent molestation, I'd rather you didn't. In fact, I think I'm going to call the police now. I don't even know what I'm going to tell them, it's just that picking up the phone and dialing 911 feels like the right thing to do in a situation like this.

Did I mention that I hate Naruto fans? I can't remember. It seems like something I would have brought up, though, because only a Naruto fan could have written something as brain-rottingly terrible as that... uh... thing I just read.

God, my mind is so scrambled I can't even think straight anymore. This must be what it feels like to get a lobotomy performed by an alcoholic surgeon who's going through a really messy divorce.

As much as I hate to subject my readers to any more of that failurrific story, for archival purposes, I feel like I'm obligated to post the alternate ending I found. I don't know how Exrxr managed to even get a hold of him, but apparently he was collaborating with well-known filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan on this fanfic at one point. How much M. Night actually contributed to the final draft will forever remain a mystery, but I do know that he wrote an extended ending that was never used. Personally, I think it's a major improvement over Exrxr's original conclusion to the story, but I'll let you folks at home read the alternate ending (posted in italics below) and decide for yourselves which one is better.

Later that evening, a certain blue-eyed, blond-haired Jounin laid somewhere in bed next to a raven-haired Sharingan user. Giggling playfully, the blond reached down and rubbed the pale chest skin of his pale Sharingan-using lover.

"Oh, Sasuke-chan! Wau! That sexing was hijouni mega-nei sugoi!" elated the blue-eyed blond flamboyantly.

Feeling a streak of friskiness shoot through his young self, the fox-carrying blond leaned over to plant a super-kawaii kiss on the pale lips of the raven-haired heir to the Sharingan laying beside him. The blond shut his blue eyes tightly and puckered his tanned lips, only to feel something dry and rough come into contact with his sensitive bishounen skin.

"Ehh? Sasuke-kun!? Doshita no!?" cried the blond fox-carrier with tears of fright in his blue eyes.

Suddenly, a ghastly sight was beheld by the young Jounin's blue eyes. Before him laid not the sexy raven-haired Uchiha, but a large log!

"Nani!?!? My kawaii boyfriendsudaisa is a piece of wood!?" The blond was shocked beyond words except for the ones he had just spoken.

Suddenly, a beeping sound rang out from across the room, and the blond's blue eyes shot over to see what the commotion was. The fox-carrier's blue eyes opened wide as he noticed the stack of plastic explosives adorned with a digital timer that blinked 00:00. The tanned blond had no chance to scream.

The sky above the Hidden Leaf Village became a vivid shade of crimson as a certain hotel erupted in an incredible explosion of fire and death. A tower of black smoke climbed high into the atmosphere above the ruined building, and burning chunks of debris rained down on the city, probably killing some dumb stupid girls somewhere.

From a distant vantage point outside the village, a certain raven-haired, Sharingan-using Uchiha watched the beautiful destruction taking place. He made no movement for some time, before finally tossing a smoldering cigarette butt onto the ground and grinding it into the earth beneath his shoe.

"What a twist," said the pale Sharingan-user as he looked into the camera and winked knowingly.