Episode 02: "Unfamiliar
Ceiling / The Beast"
Hey, assholes. This is your old pal Shinji. Richard
summoned me to his dorm the other day... I thought he
actually wanted to see me, but after like two seconds of
staring at his bushy eyebrows, I was informed that he had to
work on some stupid lame paper or something like that, and
would I write this week's episode of EVA: Rehashed, pretty
please with sugar on top? This is just so typical. It's just
my luck. Here I thought, oh, great, we get to play
videogames or watch his Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs or just
look at the stars and cuddle. But no. It figures. No one
ever wants me around unless they need me to do something.
"Please, Shinji," he said. "Only you can do this." He
brought out a copy of some novel. "I gotta be working on
this paper--I haven't even read the book yet! I'm like
totally going to fail. Come on, Shinj! You're the last hope
for my GPA."
"I can't!" I said. Why can't they see that I have feelings
too? "I never studied English lit! I don't know how to read
that! I've never seen one of those before!"
Richard scoffed. "I guess I'll just have to get Rei to do
this," he said. He went over to his phone. The jerk. It's
like, can't they see how useful I can be? I could do
anything for them if they'd just let me have the chance!
Anyway, long story short, Rei was still in the hospital--I
don't remember exactly what was wrong with her, but it was
something along the lines of "ruptured spleen", maybe? So
the jerk hoisted the stupid work on me. It's so stupid. I
don't want to be writing these stupid recaps of my
adventures. I mean, seriously, I lived them and got no
credit for it. Why does everyone make me do everything?
So, I guess we're going to do Part One of Episode 2 of my
lame-ass show, Neon Genesis Evangelion. Episode 2 is called
"Unfamiliar Ceiling / The Beast". I freaking hated filming
this episode. Not much more than I hated filming the other
episodes, of course. God. I just wanted to stay home.
So yeah. Blah blah blah, the thesis of the cruel angel. You
wanna know cruel angel? Try fighting one of those bastards.
No--try fighting one of those while encased in a vat of
Jell-O inside a giant machine. Jesus. You just don't know
what it's like to have pain, do you? You really can't
We open Episode Two with me in that stupid Eva. What'd
Richard name him? Oh yeah, Gerald. We open with me inside
Gerald, and Misato asking me if I'm ready. I don't freaking
know. Let's think about this, Missy. I see my father for
three freaking minutes, most of which are spent telling him,
look, I don't wanna freaking do this, and suddenly I find
myself piloting a giant robot. Do you think I'm
ready? Of course, like an ass I say, "Yeah," and next thing
I know Misato's yelling for the locks to release and Eva to
move out. Ritsuko tells me to concentrate on walking.
Okay. Walk, walk, walk, walk... oh my god the thing is
walking. I don't want you to walk, you stupid robot!
Don't sound so delighted, Ritty--this bitch is scary!
Have you ever ridden in one of these things before? No. I
didn't think you had. Okay. Walking. Walk, walk, walk--ah,
Yeah, great. So apparently when you tell an Eva to walk, it
interprets that as "stumble and fall." Stupid Gerald. Misato
gives a pathetic "Shinji, you okay?" but let's look at this
1) My father summons me to save the world.
2) I'm inside a giant robot.
4) I'm supposed to fight a giant monster that's looming on
top of me.
"You've got to get out!" she screams, but listen, lady, that
isn't that easy. I mean, this thing barely walks. Come on.
Sync with Gerald.
And apparently "Get-the-hell-out-of-here" translates, in
Eva-language, to "get picked up by the angel and let it rip
your left arm off."
Now Misato starts to shout, "Shinji, calm down! That's not
your real arm!" and I guess she's got a point, what with the
angel merely pulling my Eva's arm off--
--but damn, woman. You spent a good deal of the last episode
trying to get me to sync with this guy, and then when I
share its pain, you act surprised? I say be consistent. Back
in HQ--nice, safe, warm HQ, where there are no ugly monsters
ironically named after divine messengers--everyone panics
about the fact that my Eva's defense systems are not up.
Folks, I know you're a diverse crowd, so one of you must be
a lawyer. Mind getting in touch with me? Just send an e-mail
to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So yeah, my arm freaking hurts, and that's when the angel
decides it'd be cool to just tear the bastard off. And hit
me with this thing in the eye. A tech mumbles that there's a
crack on the brain case, and Ritsuko says that the armor
can't take much more.
And how are you spending your Saturday nights? Warm and
safe, with Cheetos, no doubt. Ingrates. The angel pins my
Eva against a wall, and it starts bleeding. We see shots of
viewer-friendly displays with things going wrong. Everyone's
screaming and chaotic, and someone mentions that they're not
getting readings on the pilot. That's me!
It's at this point that I wake up in a bluish hospital room,
listening to an annoying hum and staring at an unfamiliar
ceiling. An unfamiliar ceiling? Yes. The unfamiliar ceiling
of this episode's title! I'm terrified to see what the
episode's "beast" is.
So there's shots of the cleanup crew lifting Gerald's head
with a giant crane. Cut to Gendo being addressed by a
Shadowy Committee. Since we don't know their names yet, I'm
going to call them Eeney, Meeney, Miney, and Woody Allen.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say that any jokes that
Richard made at the voice actors' expense--please ignore it.
He really blew his wad. He should have saved the jokes for
these guys. Miney especially is practically the Hitler of
voice acting, he's so bad.
EMMAWA decide that the angels have returned--same as 15
years ago. "That's the way of disasters--they come without
warning," Eeney says.
"On the positive side," Meeney says, "our previous
investments would appear to be not such a waste after all."
To which Miney replies, "You can't be sure about that yet.
If it doesn't pay off, it's still a waste!" Richard tells me
he has a friend who wants to break into voice acting. Eva is
one of his favorite series. I'm convinced it's because it's
very inspiring. If this guy could get a job, then
certainly--but I digress.
Woody Allen observes that the angel attacks have become
common knowledge (well, duh, the thing was sort of
destroying the city!), and that NERV now needs to "take
steps to control the manner in which this information is
received by the general public." He's talking about PR. Does
anyone else find it ironic, Woody Allen talking about bad
PR? Gendo assures the committee that the spin doctoring has
been taken care of.
Cut to Misato flipping channels. The same news report is on
each one. "Public Scenario B-22," she sighs. "So we're
covering up the truth again?" Ritsuko comments that, hey, at
least the PR people finally have something to do. Am I the
only one that finds this sequence hilarious? I can only
wonder what Public Scenario B-22 is. Maybe it's something
along the lines of "A wizard did it."
Back with EMMAWA talking about damages. Woody says that the
development and repair costs were "simply staggering."
Meeney expresses dismay that Gendo gave that "toy" to his
son, and Miney babbles. The committee mentions the "Human
Enhancement Project", and state that HEP should be his top
priority. "That project might be the only hope for the
future of mankind," Woody says.
Oh, wow, there's another guy on the committee. We'll call
him Aloysius. He says that the angels aren't an excuse for
the project's delay, and that they may consider adjusting
the budget. Something tells me that Gendo's going to have to
have an imagination Christmas this year.
The committee tells Gendo that the rest of the meeting is
none of his beeswax. Aloysius warns Gendo that "there can be
no turning back."
"I know," Gendo says... OMINOUSLY. "Mankind has no time
Jesus. Can you imagine a childhood with this guy? "Shinji,"
he would say, "it's time for... supper." And you'd be scared
out of your mind.
Oh, good, we're back to me in the hospital. Rei gets wheeled
past me. We share what is commonly known as A Moment.
And back to Ritsuko and Misato in the van. Misato calls air
conditioning "Man's triumph over nature." I'm sure that's
supposed to be read symbolically or something. Ritsuko gets
off the phone with the news that I've woken up. When she
tells Misato that my "memory seems a bit muddled," Misato
immediately gets nervous. "You don't think it could be brain
damage, do you?" Man, Misato is cute when she's worried. Or
drunk. And she's cute for most of the show I AM SASSY.
Ahem. Ritsuko mentions that my cerebellum must have taken a
lot of stress. Misato, in her endearing sarcastic manner,
says, "Cerebellum? Don't you mean his heart?"
Oh, Misato. Little do you know that I am heartless. I have
suppressed my emotions for so long, Misato, that I have none
Oh, you meant my physical heart, as in thank God I didn't
have a heart attack? Oh. Oh. I still got that.
So we cut to a quick shot of me looking at my hand. WHAT
HATH SHINJI WROUGHT!?
And cut to an outside shot of a gigantic gun-thingie being
craned over. It'll be important later. "If Eva and this city
both operate at their full potential," Misato says, "we
might make it through this."
"It's nice to see a positive attitude," Ritsuko says.
Cut to the hospital. Finally, I get to do something. And
here she is now. Misato finally comes to pick me up. We go
to the elevator, which opens, revealing Gendo. I stare at
him for a second, then turn away. The door closes.
We hear a conversation between two people--Ritsuko (maybe?)
and someone else--gossiping about Gendo and me and how we
don't want to live together. "Being together is unnatural?"
she says. Jesus, lady. Haven't you been watching this
I'm in a room getting a place assigned to me--but in a fit
of pity, Misato decides to make me live at her place. "Don't
worry," she tells Ritsuko, "I'm not going to be making any
passes at him." Besides the several dozen she's already
made, that is. Misato decides to have a welcoming party for
me, which prompts an interminably long scene in which we
stand in line at the supermarket.
After the supermarket, Misato says we're going to make a
stop. "It's a really cool place," she says which can only
mean one thing: Homina homina homina Shinji's gonna become a
man! But no. We park the car and look at the city. In an
attempt to get Misato "in the mood," I remark that the city
looks desolate and lonely.
And she counts off, and then a siren goes off. And the city
buildings begin to rise from the ground. And the same damn
music from last time--it's the same scene really.
"The buildings are growing!" I say. And they literally are
growing up off the ground. All right, altogether now:
"This is Tokyo-3. This is our city--and it's the city that
you saved." Heh. She's talking about me.
Okay. I hope you're freaking happy. I'm never writing
another one of these freaking things again. I'll leave that
to Richard. I don't know who I'm gonna shoot first. Just
know this: EVA: Rehashed, Episode Two Part Two will be
coming next week. It won't be pretty. It won't be written by
me. And it won't not involve penguins.
Yeah, I know it was awkward, but I needed to preserve the
parallelism. Freakin' deal with it.