Episode 02: "Unfamiliar Ceiling / The Beast"

Part I

 

Hey, assholes. This is your old pal Shinji. Richard summoned me to his dorm the other day... I thought he actually wanted to see me, but after like two seconds of staring at his bushy eyebrows, I was informed that he had to work on some stupid lame paper or something like that, and would I write this week's episode of EVA: Rehashed, pretty please with sugar on top? This is just so typical. It's just my luck. Here I thought, oh, great, we get to play videogames or watch his Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVDs or just look at the stars and cuddle. But no. It figures. No one ever wants me around unless they need me to do something.

"Please, Shinji," he said. "Only you can do this." He brought out a copy of some novel. "I gotta be working on this paper--I haven't even read the book yet! I'm like totally going to fail. Come on, Shinj! You're the last hope for my GPA."

"I can't!" I said. Why can't they see that I have feelings too? "I never studied English lit! I don't know how to read that! I've never seen one of those before!"

Richard scoffed. "I guess I'll just have to get Rei to do this," he said. He went over to his phone. The jerk. It's like, can't they see how useful I can be? I could do anything for them if they'd just let me have the chance!

Anyway, long story short, Rei was still in the hospital--I don't remember exactly what was wrong with her, but it was something along the lines of "ruptured spleen", maybe? So the jerk hoisted the stupid work on me. It's so stupid. I don't want to be writing these stupid recaps of my adventures. I mean, seriously, I lived them and got no credit for it. Why does everyone make me do everything?

So, I guess we're going to do Part One of Episode 2 of my lame-ass show, Neon Genesis Evangelion. Episode 2 is called "Unfamiliar Ceiling / The Beast". I freaking hated filming this episode. Not much more than I hated filming the other episodes, of course. God. I just wanted to stay home.

So yeah. Blah blah blah, the thesis of the cruel angel. You wanna know cruel angel? Try fighting one of those bastards. No--try fighting one of those while encased in a vat of Jell-O inside a giant machine. Jesus. You just don't know what it's like to have pain, do you? You really can't understand me.

We open Episode Two with me in that stupid Eva. What'd Richard name him? Oh yeah, Gerald. We open with me inside Gerald, and Misato asking me if I'm ready. I don't freaking know. Let's think about this, Missy. I see my father for three freaking minutes, most of which are spent telling him, look, I don't wanna freaking do this, and suddenly I find myself piloting a giant robot. Do you think I'm ready? Of course, like an ass I say, "Yeah," and next thing I know Misato's yelling for the locks to release and Eva to move out. Ritsuko tells me to concentrate on walking.

Okay. Walk, walk, walk, walk... oh my god the thing is walking. I don't want you to walk, you stupid robot! Don't sound so delighted, Ritty--this bitch is scary! Have you ever ridden in one of these things before? No. I didn't think you had. Okay. Walking. Walk, walk, walk--ah, shit.

Yeah, great. So apparently when you tell an Eva to walk, it interprets that as "stumble and fall." Stupid Gerald. Misato gives a pathetic "Shinji, you okay?" but let's look at this logically:

1) My father summons me to save the world.
2) I'm inside a giant robot.
3) Jell-O.
4) I'm supposed to fight a giant monster that's looming on top of me.

"You've got to get out!" she screams, but listen, lady, that isn't that easy. I mean, this thing barely walks. Come on. Sync with Gerald. Get-the-hell-out-of-here-get-the-hell-out-of-here--

And apparently "Get-the-hell-out-of-here" translates, in Eva-language, to "get picked up by the angel and let it rip your left arm off."

Now Misato starts to shout, "Shinji, calm down! That's not your real arm!" and I guess she's got a point, what with the angel merely pulling my Eva's arm off--

--but damn, woman. You spent a good deal of the last episode trying to get me to sync with this guy, and then when I share its pain, you act surprised? I say be consistent. Back in HQ--nice, safe, warm HQ, where there are no ugly monsters ironically named after divine messengers--everyone panics about the fact that my Eva's defense systems are not up. Folks, I know you're a diverse crowd, so one of you must be a lawyer. Mind getting in touch with me? Just send an e-mail to me at ikariwarrior@earthling.net.

So yeah, my arm freaking hurts, and that's when the angel decides it'd be cool to just tear the bastard off. And hit me with this thing in the eye. A tech mumbles that there's a crack on the brain case, and Ritsuko says that the armor can't take much more.

And how are you spending your Saturday nights? Warm and safe, with Cheetos, no doubt. Ingrates. The angel pins my Eva against a wall, and it starts bleeding. We see shots of viewer-friendly displays with things going wrong. Everyone's screaming and chaotic, and someone mentions that they're not getting readings on the pilot. That's me!

It's at this point that I wake up in a bluish hospital room, listening to an annoying hum and staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. An unfamiliar ceiling? Yes. The unfamiliar ceiling of this episode's title! I'm terrified to see what the episode's "beast" is.

So there's shots of the cleanup crew lifting Gerald's head with a giant crane. Cut to Gendo being addressed by a Shadowy Committee. Since we don't know their names yet, I'm going to call them Eeney, Meeney, Miney, and Woody Allen. I'd like to take this opportunity to say that any jokes that Richard made at the voice actors' expense--please ignore it. He really blew his wad. He should have saved the jokes for these guys. Miney especially is practically the Hitler of voice acting, he's so bad.

EMMAWA decide that the angels have returned--same as 15 years ago. "That's the way of disasters--they come without warning," Eeney says.

"On the positive side," Meeney says, "our previous investments would appear to be not such a waste after all."

To which Miney replies, "You can't be sure about that yet. If it doesn't pay off, it's still a waste!" Richard tells me he has a friend who wants to break into voice acting. Eva is one of his favorite series. I'm convinced it's because it's very inspiring. If this guy could get a job, then certainly--but I digress.

Woody Allen observes that the angel attacks have become common knowledge (well, duh, the thing was sort of destroying the city!), and that NERV now needs to "take steps to control the manner in which this information is received by the general public." He's talking about PR. Does anyone else find it ironic, Woody Allen talking about bad PR? Gendo assures the committee that the spin doctoring has been taken care of.

Cut to Misato flipping channels. The same news report is on each one. "Public Scenario B-22," she sighs. "So we're covering up the truth again?" Ritsuko comments that, hey, at least the PR people finally have something to do. Am I the only one that finds this sequence hilarious? I can only wonder what Public Scenario B-22 is. Maybe it's something along the lines of "A wizard did it."

Back with EMMAWA talking about damages. Woody says that the development and repair costs were "simply staggering." Meeney expresses dismay that Gendo gave that "toy" to his son, and Miney babbles. The committee mentions the "Human Enhancement Project", and state that HEP should be his top priority. "That project might be the only hope for the future of mankind," Woody says.

Oh, wow, there's another guy on the committee. We'll call him Aloysius. He says that the angels aren't an excuse for the project's delay, and that they may consider adjusting the budget. Something tells me that Gendo's going to have to have an imagination Christmas this year.

The committee tells Gendo that the rest of the meeting is none of his beeswax. Aloysius warns Gendo that "there can be no turning back."

"I know," Gendo says... OMINOUSLY. "Mankind has no time left."

Jesus. Can you imagine a childhood with this guy? "Shinji," he would say, "it's time for... supper." And you'd be scared out of your mind.

Oh, good, we're back to me in the hospital. Rei gets wheeled past me. We share what is commonly known as A Moment.

And back to Ritsuko and Misato in the van. Misato calls air conditioning "Man's triumph over nature." I'm sure that's supposed to be read symbolically or something. Ritsuko gets off the phone with the news that I've woken up. When she tells Misato that my "memory seems a bit muddled," Misato immediately gets nervous. "You don't think it could be brain damage, do you?" Man, Misato is cute when she's worried. Or drunk. And she's cute for most of the show I AM SASSY.

Ahem. Ritsuko mentions that my cerebellum must have taken a lot of stress. Misato, in her endearing sarcastic manner, says, "Cerebellum? Don't you mean his heart?"

Oh, Misato. Little do you know that I am heartless. I have suppressed my emotions for so long, Misato, that I have none left!

Oh, you meant my physical heart, as in thank God I didn't have a heart attack? Oh. Oh. I still got that.

So we cut to a quick shot of me looking at my hand. WHAT HATH SHINJI WROUGHT!?

And cut to an outside shot of a gigantic gun-thingie being craned over. It'll be important later. "If Eva and this city both operate at their full potential," Misato says, "we might make it through this."

"It's nice to see a positive attitude," Ritsuko says.

Cut to the hospital. Finally, I get to do something. And here she is now. Misato finally comes to pick me up. We go to the elevator, which opens, revealing Gendo. I stare at him for a second, then turn away. The door closes.

We hear a conversation between two people--Ritsuko (maybe?) and someone else--gossiping about Gendo and me and how we don't want to live together. "Being together is unnatural?" she says. Jesus, lady. Haven't you been watching this thing?

I'm in a room getting a place assigned to me--but in a fit of pity, Misato decides to make me live at her place. "Don't worry," she tells Ritsuko, "I'm not going to be making any passes at him." Besides the several dozen she's already made, that is. Misato decides to have a welcoming party for me, which prompts an interminably long scene in which we stand in line at the supermarket.

After the supermarket, Misato says we're going to make a stop. "It's a really cool place," she says which can only mean one thing: Homina homina homina Shinji's gonna become a man! But no. We park the car and look at the city. In an attempt to get Misato "in the mood," I remark that the city looks desolate and lonely.

And she counts off, and then a siren goes off. And the city buildings begin to rise from the ground. And the same damn music from last time--it's the same scene really.

"The buildings are growing!" I say. And they literally are growing up off the ground. All right, altogether now: PHALLIC SYMBOL.

"This is Tokyo-3. This is our city--and it's the city that you saved." Heh. She's talking about me.

Okay. I hope you're freaking happy. I'm never writing another one of these freaking things again. I'll leave that to Richard. I don't know who I'm gonna shoot first. Just know this: EVA: Rehashed, Episode Two Part Two will be coming next week. It won't be pretty. It won't be written by me. And it won't not involve penguins.

Yeah, I know it was awkward, but I needed to preserve the parallelism. Freakin' deal with it.

Recap by Richard Goodness Shinji Ikari.