Episode 03: "The Phone that Never Rings / A Transfer"

Part I


Hey, bastards. Now that I am in charge and starting an episode on my own, I figure I'll tell you more specifically how I'm gonna run the show. Every episode will hereby start with an insult, and if I'm in a bad mood that day, possibly some quip about your mom. And if I'm in a good mood, just some disparaging comment about your manliness.

God, I'm so lonely. I wish I had friends. My heart is a black pit of despair. Like Shinji's.

Speaking of Shinji, Episode Three, "The Phone that Never Rings/A Transfer" starts off with Shinji being in some environment of constantly changing rave lights with two antenna things on his head. Oh God, no, not cosplay! "Good morning, Shinji," says Ritsuko. "How's it going?"

We see Shinji in Gerald, dressed in a cosplay outfit, wearing a blank poker face with bright lights shining all around him. How do you think it's going, bitch? "No problems," lies Shinji, "I think I'm getting used to it." I suppose this means getting used to having to pilot a giant organic robot that looked back at him in the previous episode. Man, if I saw that the robot I was piloting grew an eye, shit, I'd refuse to go to anywhere near it. Shinji must be that much of a doormat.

"That's good," Ritsuko responds. She then interrogates him on whether or not he remembers the emergency exits at the front, top, side, and back (yes, lower, LOWER back) of the Eva and along with the locations of all the power stations and hidden weapons in the city.

"I guess so," says the person who's supposed to save the human race.

Ritsuko understandably sighs and asks for a review session, just for our sake of understanding and explanation. And so goes the explanatory crap: The Eva runs off power provided by an umbilical cable connected to its back. In emergencies, it can switch to a battery with a life of one minute at full power, and five minutes with minimal activity. She rants on about current limits in battery technology, blah blah blah.

She asks if he understands, and Shinji just sighs, "Yeeees..."

"Now let's continue from where we left off yesterday!" says Ritsuko as she initiates Mortal Kombat. Or perhaps Time Crisis. Either way, we end up in a virtual reality simulation of Shinji with the previous two episodes' angel.

Ritsuko gives Shinji instructions on hitting the angel with the machine gun: AIM AND SHOOT. Nice job, Tits N' Tips, I couldn't have figured that out on my own! And then Shinji misses even though he was locked on.

Ritsuko goes on about calming down and actually AIMING at the STILL target. And Shinji hits it on his second try, making it explode in a non-cross shape, for once. "Next," says Ritsuko.

So Shinji continues with Ritsuko watching from afar. My favorite technician wonders why Shinji agreed to be the pilot again, and Ritsuko responds how Shinji's just a doormat. It seems to be his way of getting through the pain and despair and blackness of life.

And Misato's looking all serious in the background.

We see Shinji muttering Ritsuko's commands over and over with glazed eyes as he shoots down still targets left and right like a runaway ten year old at the arcade.

And we get our title card: "The Phone that Never Rings"

Some time later, it's morning. Shinji opens Misato's door and says it's morning, and Misato just lies in bed and mutters how she just got back from night duty. She then asks Shinji to go do his chores like taking the trash out, cleaning the dishes, washing the car, scraping the roadkill off her tires, washing the clothes, scrubbing the toilet, whipping the slaves, make up bullshit for the press, and acting like a whining pussy for a certain television show.

Shinji leaves as Misato gets a call. It's apparently Professor Frink (a.k.a. Ritsuko). There's small talk about Shinji, including how he doesn't make any friends and never received a call on his cell phone. (He has one because, after all, everybody needs a Sidekick, as the Dogg said.) Ritsuko just mutters that Shinji's not the type to make friends. You betcha!

Ritsuko asks if Misato knows of the fable of the Hedgehog's Dilemma. Misato, in classic Misato form, asks if it's the animal with spiny hair. Ritsuko ignores the perfect chance to belittle her and explains about how two hedgehogs are in love and can't get closer, lest they spontaneously combust due to a chemical reaction between the two's spines. Sorta like what happens when a Palestinian and an Israeli are brought together.

She says how it's the same with some humans, who fear being hurt. Misato replies, "Well, he's just going to have to learn someday, that part of growing up means finding a way to interact with others while distancing pain." During this voiceover, Shinji is unabashedly checking out how hot Rei--the blue-haired Eva pilot--is, covered in bandages with an eye covered in gauze and an arm in a sling. Man, Shinji's got weird fetishes.

Suddenly, it's World War II again! Bombs fly as explosions race through the buildings! Oh, wait, no, it's just some prepubescent kid's sound effects as he plays with a model Pelican from Halo.


He then lowers the camera in his other hand and asks, "What's up, class rep?"

Wait, wait a second... He films himself making dumb noises for a toy military aircraft? Wow, that's like about as nerdy as playing Dungeons & Dragons.

She asks if he had completed the mission of delivering documents, and the boy tries to lie. The class rep goes on and lays a guilt trip on him. Aren't you Suzuhara's friend, Mister Aida? Aren't you a little bit worried about him? Aren't you a level 99 Archer with Bowhunting Skills? "You don't suppose he was injured, do you?" asks Mr. Aida.

The class rep goes on about how the television says no one was injured in the robot incident. Aida goes on and on about other islands and prefectures of Japan that he mispronounces despite the fact that he's supposed to be Japanese himself, saying how there were huge parts of the land that were totally owned. And of course, there had to be some FATALITIES.

And the door opens and we see a boy step in. "Toji!" cries Aida as the class rep cries in awe, "Suzuhara!" Toji Suzuhara lays down his bag, and asks what happened to the class. It seems some parents were actually smart and evacuated the city or transferred to other schools, not wanting to stay in an intergalactic war zone.

Toji taunts his friend and mutters how Aida would enjoy a real war. And Kensuke seriously agrees, revealing the evil of his heart and betraying the secrecy of his plot for mass genocide of the angel race. The bastard doesn't understand that angels have rights, too! They are just trying to do something or other, and shouldn't be cruelly killed for our enjoyment! They are living beings! People, we can not allow this show's anti-Angel agenda to go on! Join P.E.T.A., People for the Ethical Treatment of Angels!

But I digress. Aida asks if Toji got involved in the war, to which Toji responds that his little sister did. He goes on his sob story about his little sister being crushed by debris, surviving, and being rebuilt as a robot, bigger, faster, and stronger. They had the technology.

He blames the robot's pilot for wrecking the town he was supposed to save, blah blah blah. Aida interrupts and asks if he knows about the transfer student. "What transfer student?" responds Toji. Oh, the transfer student... ...FROM HELL!

Aida nods to Shinji. Like Sherlock Holmes, he presents the evidence such as: Shinji transferred in after the robot attack, Shinji has the depressive angst of an anime's main character, and Shinji has the Ocarina of Time. Sounds like the hero of the anime to me! Then the door opens to reveal the Teacher of the Year.

Apparently, Teacher of the Year drones on and on about the Second Impact. A meteor crashed down on Antarctica, melting the ice cap and causing the seas to rise dramatically. We see shots of math equations on the board, even though this is clearly a history class. And they're really simple ones, too. It's friggin' Algebra. Man, Shinji and Rei--high school sophomores--are in the Reject class.

Anyway, during this, Shinji gets a call on his computer's built-in AIM feature. I'll recreate the conversation here:

XxaZnHotTiEpRiNcEsSxX: lol a/s/l?!!!
TheShinjsterPilotofGerald: 14/m/same class
XxaZnHotTiEpRiNcEsSxX: lol, nise
XxaZnHotTiEpRiNcEsSxX: i herd u r a pilot, iz dis tru? Y/N>

Shinji looks around to see the source, and they seem to be coming from hot girls. Nice work there, Shinjster, you bagged a woman!

Then the AIM conversation takes off onto an odd, Matrix-esque path.

XxaZnHotTiEpRiNcEsSxX: You're THE ONE right?!
TheShinjsterPilotofGerald: Are you saying I can dodge bullets?
XxaZnHotTiEpRiNcEsSxX: When you're ready, you won't have to.

Shinji responds affirmatively to her question, and the class breaks down. It is of note that the class rep is still paying attention, slightly annoyed, despite the fact that she's in the same room as THE CHOSEN ONE.


The teacher, possibly deaf, continues on and doesn't notice the class practically praising Shinji. The class rep tries to calm things down.

They berate him with more hard hitting political questions than an episode of The O'Reilly Factor. Was he scared to fight? What does the cockpit look like? How does he feel about the anti-Angel legislation of Parliament? What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

One of the students asks the name of the robot. Shinji responds about how it's called Eva, forgetting its real name. Poor Gerald, your coworker can't even remember your name. During this, Aida takes notes on his computer.

The students ask about classified information, and Shinji doesn't have the balls to tell them that it's classified. Then the bell rings, signaling the end of the day (though sadly, not the end of the episode). Note a pissed off Toji, who wasn't in the above picture due to the magic of continuity errors. During this, the class rep tries to inject some humor by demanding manners. And she does so in the most annoyingly shrill voice. Dear God, save me.

POW, faster than a Zergling rush, we cut outside where Toji pounds Shinji's face with an uppercut. Toji cracks his knuckles and apologizes for releasing the anger buried deep in the depths his pitch-black soul. Aida explains about Toji's sister, and they leave.

Shinji mutters, "I didn't have a choice, they made me pilot the stupid thing!"

Angry over Shinji's lack of consideration of Gerald's feelings, Toji walks back and gives Shinji another good right hook. They leave, and Shinji just stares at the sky. Rei suddenly appears. "There's an emergency," she says simply. "I'll report in first."

She runs away as the emergency alarm blares throughout the city. The city is locked down and we see the angel.

Angel? ...Or exotic seafood?

Thus ends the first half of Episode Three.

Next, on EVA: REHASHED! Shinji is a doormat, as always, and tag-teams with THE ROCK to put the smackdown on the Angel's candy ass! Do you SMEEEEEELLLL what the Shinjster's cooking?!

Recap by SSJ Heero.