Episode 03: "The Phone that Never Rings / A Transfer"

Part II


Hey, bitches. I'm in a dandily good mood at the moment, since I'm halfway through my AP Tests and so far they have been swimmingly easy. I mean, seriously, no question can stump me. Statistics, Calculus, English Literature, nothing can stop my onslaught of destruction. I am like a man who's part machine. Needless to say, I am a genius.

Okay, self-gratification aside, I've got a new episode recap for you, the reader. In the last installment of EVA: Rehashed, we were introduced to meganerd (though not as nerdy as Gordon Freeman) Kensuke Aida, his friend Toji Suzuhara, and the almost-meganerd, the class rep. Shinji gets messages on his AIM, makes a couple of online girlfriends, gets dumped by his online girlfriends, and gets beaten up by Toji in a Hell-in-a-Cell match. Oh, and an Angel appears.

In the next thrilling half of "The Phone that Never Rings/A Transfer", we start things off at NERV headquarters. The "target" apparently had "penetrated" their "territorial waters". Gendo's right hand man calls for battle stations as Misato commands the base to prepare for the interception, taking the football through enemy lines and scoring a TOUCHDOWN!

Next comes the regular call for alarms and lockdown of the city. Buildings descend underground as the government is relayed the information. Misato asks for the status of non-combatants. "There are reports," says the long-haired tech, "that evacuation has been completed."

We cut hard and slam into a shelter, splattering our soft gooey brains into the sign written in English. Television programming is cut off at this time, and Kensuke complains about the censorship that the government is imposing, blah blah blah. Look kid, even if it is an incredible historic event, take solace in the fact that your Ministry of Truth... ehr, FCC-like company doesn't fine channels thousands of dollars for boobies that appear for about .5 nanoseconds during the Super Bowl. They weren't even good boobies, for a harder kick to the shins.

The squid-angel thing speeds into Tokyo-3, and Misato complains about its perfect timing while Commander Ikari is away. It is noted that the third angel had a 15 year delay, while this angel has only a 3-week delay. "They never care about our situation, do they?" ask Misato. I'm guessing no, since you DID kill one of them in a bloody deathmatch just three weeks ago.

The squid-angel laughs at all attempts to harm it, with explosions bouncing harmlessly off of its skin. Gendo's right-hand-man comments about this attack being a waste of taxpayers' money. Boy, that was random. The committee demands for an Evangelion to be dispatched, and Misato lays the burn by saying they're more obnoxious than the angels. Oh ho, how does it feel, EMMAWA? Shinji has a better chance to lay with Misato than you. Major diss.

Shinji is loaded into the Evangelion and has the gall to wonder, "Why am I piloting this thing again?" Hey, at least you have steady employment and decent pay, rather than having to write crappy synopses about what YOU do for a living. Despite the fact that he sorta hates his father, he mutters, "Even my father's not here..." With major angst, he adds, "Even though I was beaten..."

Folks, prepare for 23 more episodes of this! ^_^

Cut to the shelters, where Kensuke tells Toji he needs to talk with him... Privately. Oohh, Kensuke has a crush! They tell the class rep they're leaving for the bathroom, where Kensuke spills out his undying love for Toji and is cruelly rejected and forced to commit suicide by drowning in the toilet, and in failing to do so OPENS THE VERY GATES OF HELL ITSELF. Or not.

While using the urinals, Toji asks what this is all about, and Kensuke replies, "I've GOTTA see it!" ...Oh dear. Context, context! "At least once in my life!" You're not helping, Kensuke!

"You mean the battle up there?" asks Toji, to which Kensuke says, "Nobody knows when the enemy will come next time!"

Okay, whew. Thank you, Toji, and thank you, Kensuke, for not answering Toji's question. Anyway, Toji asks if Kensuke's serious. Kensuke says they might lose that experience forever!

...Damn it, Kensuke, quit the double entendres!

He begs Toji to help him unlock the gate, risking certain death by stepping into a FRIGGIN' WAR ZONE. Toji calls upon this logic, and Kensuke says he would rather die while seeing the battle like a freaking nerd. They bicker on about something I don't wish to transcribe, but it ends up with Kensuke owning Toji with a natural roll of 20 and succeeding in his Persuasion skill.

An example of the series' hot and edgy use of fanservice.

Cut to Shinji, where Misato asks if he's ready. He sighs, "Yeah..." Ritsuko advises the following: Kick ass and take names. Though, not exactly with that diction.

"LAUNCH EVA!" screams Misato. Gerald is shot up the catapult ramp as we cut to a shot of the doors of the shelter being left open. Kensuke and Toji dash up the steps of a shrine, where Kensuke takes his camera and tapes the scene.

The angel flies by and... stands... I think that's the term. It has no legs, but it sort of twists itself so it seems to be standing. It's hard to describe, to say the least. Kensuke's screaming, "COOL! All my efforts really paid off! I've been waiting for this moment all my life!"

Suddenly, Gerald appears out of a building. Shinji repeats Ritsuko's words of AIM AND SHOOT to himself as Ritsuko declares the AT Field folded...whatever the hell that means. Misato encourages Shinji as he's sent off on his first actual mission to own an angel. Shinji steps around the corner and fills the angel's face with lead.

Smoke clouds the angel, and Misato screams at Shinji for this. Shinji stops firing, presumably out of bullets. Shinji's panting from the arduous task of pulling a trigger on a joystick. Suddenly, the angel's laser arm things slice through the smoke! WHIP! A building and Shinji's gun is cut in two.

Toji's complaining about Shinji losing, probably because he figures he's betting on the wrong horse. "It's not a problem," mutters Kensuke. Come on, it only spells the end of the world if Shinji fails. It's not a big deal at all.

Misato sends Shinji a spare rifle, which appears out of a building. Shinji, though, is stricken with fear. He hasn't played enough Doom 3 to make him a hardened killer, apparently. Kensuke comments of how being beaten up messed Shinji up, and Toji screams, "SHUT UP!"

Shinji is chased through the town as buildings are cut in two and fly through the air. Explosions race through the town as Gerald is knocked away. During the chaos, Gerald's umbilical cable is cut. Damn it, Shinji, you suck. You now have only 5 minutes to beat the angel, and you haven't taken off one hit point from it.

Shinji is caught by the leg and thrown like a rag doll. Rather coincidentally... He's thrown right at Kensuke and Toji. Is the angel that good? Or is this just a WACKY coincidence? You be the judge.

Misato screams for Shinji to tell her if he's alright. Shinji then notices Kensuke and Toji RIGHT BETWEEN Gerald's fingers. Talk about coincidence! God likes to mess with people's minds.

Misato recognizes the two as Shinji's classmates, and Ritsuko's demanding about the purpose of their presence. Right when the squid-angel is about to slice through Shinji, he catches the tentacles in his hands and...

Oh, God, no! Not tentacle hentai!

Toji asks why he isn't fighting back despite the fact that both of Shinji's hands were full. Kensuke mistakenly believes it's because of them.

3 minutes, 28 seconds left. Misato tells Shinji to let them in. Ritsuko gives her some lip for this, but Misato stays steady with her commands. Kensuke complains about his camera, and Shinji seems to have EVEN MORE problems. Synchronization is messed up thanks to the Idiot Brothers.

Shinji simply tosses the squid-angel away as Misato commands him to retreat. It is noted that the armor on the hands melted off and a human-like hand is underneath. Toji screams in Shinji's ear about retreating. Hey, Shinji's driving, bitch. I don't see you with a Gerald Driver's License.

Shinji mutters repeatedly, "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..." He pulls out the progressive knife. One minute left. Shinji gives a warcry and slides at the angel. Gerald takes two to the gut and stops. Shinji screams and stabs the knife at the angel's core, the red jewel sphere. Shinji screams in pain.

30 seconds left. Shinji continues screaming.

15 seconds. Shinji's screaming, still.

5 seconds. Shinji's STILL screaming. Dear God, he has one amazing set of lungs.

With 2 seconds left, the angel's core finally cracks and it dies like the pussy it is just as the Eva shuts down. At NERV, there's chatter about the target being silent. Shinji cries in the cockpit like the whiney little pussy he is.

Cut to later, where it's raining, presumably to really drive home that somber mood the director was going for. Kensuke's editing a 3D model of the angel for use as a new Dead or Alive character. There's chatter between Kensuke and Toji. Shinji has apparently been skipping school.

Kensuke offers Toji Shinji's phone number, proving one of two things: 1) Aida has mad connections or 2) he's madly in love with Shinji. Either way, it's not very promising for the future.

And apparently, Shinji doesn't pick up his phone.

And that's that for this week.

It looks as though next week will be a totally boring episode with nothing but character building and angst. Special guest soundtrack by Funeral for a Friend.

Recap by SSJ Heero.