Episode 04: "Rain, Escape, and Afterwards / Hedgehog's Dilemma"

Part I


Hey there, bitches. I'm in a good mood that will surely be destroyed very soon. I'm in the last weeks of my senior year and I have a project for every class, three of which are movies which'll be a bitch to edit and crap. So that means EVA: Rehashed will temporarily have extra cynicism at its already low price! You simply cannot afford to miss this special promotion!

Alright, so let's begin. Last time on Evangelion, we had a squid angel appear to fight Shinji, while his dumb classmates nearly get themselves killed by the power of deus ex machina (or bad writing, your pick). Shinji owns the angel before Evangelion could be turned into La Blue Girl and everything ends up sad. Anyway, this episode promises to have plenty of fan service, excitement, and drama.

It lies.

We begin during the rainy season of Japan, and an alarm rings in the Katsuragi Apartment. Misato groans and shuts it off with her foot, getting up to brush her teeth and ask Shinji if he's skipping school again. It's been five days since the battle and Gerald has been completely repaired, as if he were an object, not a living being with feelings. She goes on and on about Shinji's duty and tries to goad him out, but to no avail.

Misato, always the caring roommate, opens Shinji's door and finds... He's gone. Wow, five days and you never bothered to open the door and make sure he didn't commit suicide? It's no wonder he left, there just isn't anyone who cares. It's a fact.

She see that Shinji left behind a note and his ID as a random ambulance siren goes off in the background. "He's run away," mutters Misato. "I'm not surprised."

The screen turns black and we see the title card: "Rain, Escape, and Afterwards/Hedgehog's Dilemma". These episode titles are getting, like, really long and shit.

Back to the action, the rain gets REALLY loud, as if the Aztecs did one too many rain dances. The doorbell to Misato's apartment rings, and Misato opens in surprise, calling, "Shinji!" Disappointed, she finds Toji and Kensuke. The two are caught off guard at the essence of hotness that stands before them. Kensuke speaks in his creepy trying-to-pick-up-girls-ten-years-older-than-him voice, "Pardon me, ma'am, but we're Shinji's classmates, Aida and Suzuhara." Toji nods his head vigorously as Misato repeats their names.

Just as Kensuke's about to respond, Toji cuts in, "Yes, ma'am! I'm Suzuhara-"

"Oh, aren't you the ones who got into Unit One's entry plug?"

"Yes, ma'am, we're really sorry for causing so much trouble," says Toji as he cuts off Kensuke again while bowing. "The reason we came here today is that Shinji has been absent ever since then, so we came to see if he's okay," he says as he cuts Kensuke off a final time. Kensuke is disturbed by this.

Usurp ME, will you?! I'll show you once my Rogue Nightelf gets her turn!

Before Kensuke can even begin his turn and haul ass with some wicked dice-rolling skills, Misato lies that Shinji's at a NERV training facility. Anyway, the two give Misato Shinji's homework and their farewells, bowing as she slides the door closed.

Getting up from his bow, Kensuke mutters, "This is an unexpected development!"

"She was a real babe, wasn't she?" adds Toji, where Kensuke agrees. Thus begins the story of Toji's efforts to win Misato over, ending in heartbreak, tragedy, and new love in... uh, Hilary Duff. Next week on the O.C.

Misato gets real angry at Shinji, calling him an idiot as she kicks the door in rage. Suddenly, she turns green and goes on a rampage, a nasty side effect of working in NERV's Gamma Ray Department for too long.

Cut to a train, where Shinji sits VERY still for about the entire day, listening to his Walkman. Seriously, they have one cel of him for the entire montage of the passing day. I'm surprised he didn't attract birds.

At night, Shinji is finally given another cel as he sits up and mutters, "I oughtta go back."

Shinji walks through Tokyo-3, ending up at a movie theatre filled with hobos, zombies, conservative pundits, and Gary Coleman. It's apparently a movie about the Second Impact, where one of the main characters is a doctor with a RIDICULOUSLY hilarious accent, a mix of German, French, and what sounds like Swedish. The Japanese voices aren't so hilarious, so I suppose the English dub is actually better than the Japanese one at this point. Huh, imagine that. During this, Shinji wanks off to two people making out in the theatre.

Well, they don't show it, but his eyes are pretty blank until he sees them making out. I assume that means his sword wanted to be polished.

Anyway, he sleeps in the theatre like the poor, freeloading bitch he is.

The next scene has to have been animated by a major Hello Kitty fan. It's all in pink. PINK. There is simply no scientific reason for this. There is no pink light coming from anywhere. It's just pink.

The sounds of the crickets and cicadas roar in the background, and Shinji slowly goes insane from his overactive imagination. He is overwhelmed by the noise... Or maybe it was the pink light that instilled fear into his heart. Or maybe it was the fact that the world was spinning around him like an episode of Evangelion with poor, nonsensical animation.

The epic story of one man versus the world... All in pink.

Or maybe he's just a pussy. Either way, it ends up with him running away.

Meanwhile, Misato randomly checks up on Shinji's room and mutters, "Idiot."

Cut to a bus, where apparently Shinji amazingly still had enough funds for the fare. He turns out to be in some rural area outside of Tokyo-3, where he simply broods all day like an emo fag.

"But he's only fourteen years old," we hear Misato sigh in a voiceover. Cut to Rei, dressed in bandages and panties while being scanned or something. I don't think that's required attire for that kind of a procedure, just that Hideaki Anno thought it'd get us all hot. Before we can, though, her image changes into some kind of nonsensical rainbow scan... Misato apparently thinks making Shinji bearing the burden of the world is too cruel.

Ritsuko replies that they have to use 14-year-olds, and Misato concedes that point. Misato tells Ritsuko that Shinji hasn't even tried to make contact, and Misato mutters that he might not return, mostly because of what happened after the last battle.

Shinji was being scolded by Misato at that time, who gets all on his case about ignoring her orders, being rebellious, and listening to that darn rap music while piloting Gerald. She just doesn't understand kids these days. She asks if Shinji's even listening, and he just sighs, "Yeeeesss..." Anyway, Shinji's a little bitch and his dub voice becomes grating and sort of egotistical, even though Shinji's the exact OPPOSITE.

Cut back to real time, where Misato mutters how Shinji shouldn't be a pilot if getting into an Eva means pain. There is a dilemma, then, because Ritsuko points out that they need pilots.

Then we then slam into a brick wall of transition, where Kensuke is out in a field playing a mock battle... with himself. How... sad... ...Wait, he lives outside of Tokyo-3? Why the flying fuck does he commute like ten miles to go to school?! Especially one in a FRIGGIN' WAR ZONE?!

Apparently, Kensuke loses to himself in the battle, and stares up at the sky as the agony of defeat overwhelms him. He eventually gets up and spots Shinji wandering about. He calls out Shinji, who stops his quest for the Holy Grail.

And that's the end of that chapter.

Next week, it's more drama, character building, and a continuing lack of the fan service we were promised before. Our next special musical guest will be Linkin Park, who arrive to help Shinji with his personal problems, ultimately teaching him that life IS worth living!

Then they bust out their instruments and sing "Run Away", ironically enough.

So, until next time, just let the pink colors unleash that RAGE inside your body and soul.

Recap by SSJ Heero.