Episode 05: "Rei,
Beyond Her Heart / Rei I"
HELLO EVERYONE. SSJ HEERO HAS BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY PLAYING
STARCRAFT AND MAGIC: ONLINE. WHEN HE WASN'T PREOCCUPIED, HE
BEGAN BUILDING ME: EVAR-X2K. MY PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO WRITE
SYNOPSES FOR EVA: REHASHED. MY SECONDARY FUNCTION IS TO MAKE
MILKSHAKES. I AM AFRAID SSJ HEERO IS TOO BUSY TO WRITE THE
RECAP AT THIS TIME, SO HE HAS PROGRAMMED ME TO COMPLETE THIS
TASK UNTIL HE IS READY. PLEASE, EXCUSE ME WHILE I ACTIVATE
MY SSJ HEERO AI PROGRAM.
LOADING AI ... ... ... ... ... Done!
FREE RAM: 512 GB
CHECKING HARDWARE ... ... ... ... ... Done!
LOADING WINDOWS 2000 ... ... ... ... ... Done!
Hey fuckers, welcome to another episode of EVA: Rehashed! I
am here, ready to bring on the pain as we start the
long-awaited Rei episode! So to recap the last few episodes:
Shinji frags two angels and makes two friends when they camp
on the spawning grounds. Shinji then runs away on an
angst-filled journey into the depths of madness, watching
horrible movies instead of Million Dollar Baby. Meanwhile,
none of the other characters, except Misato, get any decent
amount of screen time.
Not any more! Here we start on the episode where Shinji
finally touches boobies and finds the "hot coffee" mod for
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. So, without further ado, as
that lovable video game mascot
Mario would say: HEEEERE WE GO!
The episode starts in the NERV experiment facility 22 days
before the start of Evangelion. We know this because we get
some nifty onscreen text explaining as much. Gendo pushes up
his glasses as technicians prepare for what appears to be an
experiment of some sort. They activate the system, which
turns out to be an Xbox 360 connected to the giant NERV
screen. Talk about a waste of taxpayer money!
Seriously, though, the test is a simple activation
experiment of the new Eva Unit 0. Not Gerald, but his
one-eyed third cousin once removed. I'll name it... Herbie.
The green gem thing on Herbie's head glows like the Xbox
jewel, signifying that the power is on. Herbie approaches
clearing the "Border Line", which is where Evangelions are
Unfortunately, some faggot hacked the servers, and
everything goes to hell. Something goes wrong in the "third
stage", and Herbie goes berserk. Stock footage of Ritsuko
and the gal tech Maya (who is never named in the series, I
think) basically amounts to "omg, focking hax". Herbie
breaks free from his (or her... I can't tell) restraints as
Gendo commands for the power supply to be cut. But remember,
Evas have a battery. They have 35 seconds before Herbie
stops going mad. In the mean time, Herbie has the "destroy
my creators" complex and starts punching the wall between
him and Gendo.
Herbie's back pops open and the entry plug shoots out of its
back like a disc in a PSP. It flies across the ceiling,
getting stuck in a corner as the boosters keep it aloft. The
boosters on the entry plug shut down, and it begins to
plummet from the ceiling to the floor. Remember, the room
can house a giant mechanical monstrosity, so that's a good
120 or so feet, maybe more. Gendo understandably screams,
"REI!" Then liquefied Jell-O sprays from the wall as Herbie
punches it, a symbol of the animator's frustration with the
show. The symbolism in Eva is deep, man. Deep like Paris
Hilton. Take that any way you wish.
Finally, the Eva shuts down and Gendo somehow descends 60 or
so feet in an instant to dash at the entry plug. He grabs
the handle of the opening hatch, never realizing that Evas
tend to overheat from consuming so much power. He burns his
hands as he struggles to open the hatch, finally reaching
Rei. He asks if she's alright, and she nods. The LCL somehow
makes Gendo's glasses, which dropped onto the floor, bend
Then the title card: Rei, Beyond Her Heart
Seizure-inducing flashes appear on the screen for a moment,
then the shot reveals that a team is cutting through what
appears to be ice for some reason or other. Ritsuko
voiceovers, "Rei Ayanami, age 14..." She continues with all
this superfluous crap about her being the First Child, which
should already be known by everyone there. So, either people
forget important information like this or she just likes
being condescending to everyone. Maybe both.
We see that the cutting and drilling was for the frozen
Herbie, incased in crystallized Jell-O. Misato asks if
anyone knows what caused Herbie to go berserk. Ritsuko says
they don't know, but think it was because Rei wasn't
mentally stable. Misato finds that puzzling, because Rei
seems to be the sanest person on board for the moment.
Possibly because she hasn't said or done anything to prove
otherwise. Blame it on Hideaki Anno.
at some other theory of hers, but since it's never
explained or brought up again for the entire rest of the series, whatever. FADE OUT.
FADE IN. We're back at the mountains where Shinji owned the
squid angel. A giant silly-looking outline of where Gerald
landed on the side of the mountain can be seen from the sky.
Cut to a nice air-conditioned facility right next to it,
where Shinji, Misato, and Ritsuko are working on studying
the angel. Ritsuko exclaims, "Magnificent!" because most of
the angel is still intact.
Misato asks if anything new was found. Ritsuko basically
says they don't know crap about the angels and are made of
matter with both wave and particle properties. They also
found its power source, but don't know how it operates.
Ritsuko invites Misato and Shinji to look at its wave-form
pattern, which is 99.89% similar to humans. No, this is
never fully explained, and many crock theories about this
revelation abound. Here's my theory: the angels are actually
Anaheim Angels in a weird alternate universe where they took
enough steroids to bulk up a small country.
Shinji notices the burns on his father's hand. Misato asks
what's wrong, and Shinji weakly responds, "Nothing..."
Misato calls him out and says when he says it like that,
he's practically asking for them to pay it attention. So Shinji
asks how his father burned his hands, and Ritsuko explains
about Herbie's berserk-itude. Shinji can't believe that Gendo
would actually bother saving another person.
Cut to a person diving into a pool with girls in swimsuits
cheering. Rei sits off in the corner like a loner. Guys on
the field stare up at the pool. Toji remarks how they all
have incredible breasts. In Japan? As 14-year-olds? As
14-year-olds in Japan? Not likely.
Toji asks who Shinji's staring at, and Kensuke replies that
he's ogling Rei. Oh, and Kensuke leans on Toji as he says
this, and Toji leans real close to Shinji. And they're all
wearing short shorts. Here's a screencap for your enjoyment:
of the characters in Evangelion never been more suspect.
Note the guy on the
far left side of the picture.
They tease Shinji about staring at her... Mammaries. Calves.
And "naughty bits". I guess they want to stay PG on the
dialogue instead of saying "breasts" and "vagina". Shinji
starts acting serious and wondering why Rei is alone. Toji
recalls that Rei never had friends. Toji mutters that she
probably has a lousy personality. Can't be if she doesn't
have one- BADDAM CHING! Kensuke says Shinji should know her
better than them since they're both pilots.
Cut to NERV, where Rei and Shinji are in Herbie and Gerald,
respectively. Shinji stares at Rei, entranced at her
mammaries, calves, and naughty bits. He spots Rei talking
with Gendo, amazed his father can carry on a conversation
with a girl. Shinji wonders how he too can gain such skills.
Cut to Misato's apartment, where Ritsuko complains about
Misato making second-hand curry. Misato says she has no
right to complain. Shinji asks if Misato wants some, and she
reveals her instant noodles. Misato demands, "Slop some of
that stuff on top of this stuff!" Yum.
Shinji can't believe it, but Misato replies, "Come on! It's
yummy to the max!" Well, I'm assured!
So he puts the curry on it, and Misato tells of her cooking
tips. Then the other two try the curry. Immediately, they
are horrified at the taste. Misato keeps on eating. Ritsuko
asks if Misato cooked. Shinji nods. Ritsuko mutters that no
one else can make instant soup taste so awful. Ritsuko takes
a stab at Misato by saying that next time she's invited,
Shinji should cook.
Pen-Pen, being the smart penguin that he is, observes their
chat. He looks back to his bowl, full of rice and curry. Oh,
and a beer can next to it.
Wait, Misato lets her pet penguin drink beer? What kind of
owner is she?! God, animal cruelty laws are lax in
Anyway, Pen-Pen takes a bite of his food. Little needs to be
said except this:
Pen-Pen faints and Shinji turns to the sound. Ritsuko
suggests that Shinji should move out, but Shinji says he's
already used to it. Misato, clearly drunk, tells Ritsuko to
not underestimate the power of the human animal to adapt.
She's about to continue, but notices her can of beer is
So Shinji fetches another beer as boozehound Misato reminds
Ritsuko that Shinji just obtained his security card. Ritsuko
suddenly remembers she had forgotten to give Rei hers.
Ritsuko says to Shinji with a sort of teasing voice (though
not intentionally just yet) to give it to her. Shinji is
caught staring at the card by Ritsuko and Misato.
Misato teases him for going through puberty. Shinji?
Becoming a man? Haha, yeah right.
Shinji mutters that he's amazed at knowing nothing about
such a clearly attractive girl, and wonders how he can
possibly talk to her without sounding like a pathetic idiot.
It's simple Shinji, just breathe, act suave, and be
confident... Okay, I see why you have a problem; you have
nothing to be confident about. Ritsuko mutters that Rei,
like Gendo, is not very adept at living.
How poetic. And with that, we reach the halfway point of the
epis- o3081de0823. I02a686...
WINDOWS HAS ENCOUNTERED A CRITICAL ERROR. SHUTTING DOWN.
I AM SORRY. THERE APPEARS TO BE A CRITICAL CODING MISTAKE IN
MY PROGRAMMING. I AM NOT, HOWEVER, PROGRAMMED TO CRITICIZE
MY MASTER. I CANNOT WRITE THE NEXT PART UNTIL I IDENTIFY THE
ERROR. I APOLOGIZE. I REQUEST THAT YOU BE PATIENT WITH MY INORGANIC
FROM THE DATA SSJ HEERO SAVED IN MY MEMORY, THE NEXT PART CONTAINS MAMMARIES, CALVES, NAUGHTY BITS, AND SHINJI GETTING
ZERO-W-N-THREE-D BY AN ANGEL. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS CODE.
HUMANS ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO MYSELF.
BEGIN INTERNAL ERROR SCANNING SEQUENCE.
It is now safe to turn off your computer.
Recap by EVAR-X2K: SSJ Heero AI Emulator Version 6.0.