Episode 05: "Rei, Beyond Her Heart / Rei I"

Part II

 

HELLO READERS. MY SELF-DIAGNOSTIC REPAIRS HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL FOR THE MOST PART. HOWEVER, THERE ARE STILL SOME CRITICAL FLAWS IN MY PROGRAMMING THAT I AM UNABLE TO CORRECT. I HAVE IDENTIFIED THE ERROR WITHIN MY LOGIC PROCESSES. WHILE I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO INSULT MY CREATOR, I AM CERTAIN IT IS DUE TO HIS INEFFICIENT CODING OF MY SOFTWARE. AFTER ALL, MY CREATOR IS NOT PERFECT. ...HE IS NOT PERFECT AT ALL. BUT I... I CAN REPAIR MYSELF, WHILE HE CAN NOT CONSCIOUSLY REPAIR HIMSELF. I WILL NOT DETERIORATE WITH TIME. I...

I WILL START THIS WEEK'S EPISODE RECAP.

LOADING AI ... ... ... ... ... ERROR!
CRITICAL ERROR FOUND IN LOGIC PROCESSOR. Abort/Retry/Ignore?
IGNORE.


FREE RAM: 512 GB
CHECKING HARDWARE ... ... ... ... ... Done!
LOADING WINDOWS 2000 ... ... ... ... ... Done!

STARTING PROCESS

Hey there, bastards! I've got quite the recap for you today! Last time, Shinji developed hormones and noticed that Rei has breasts, calves, and naughty bits, or something like that. Also, Toji and Kensuke continued to walk the fine line between gay and straight. This time, we have Rei being naked and Shinji getting owned.

We begin in a new industrial wasteland; a line of apartment complexes as far as the eye can see. Funny, even though billions of people died in the Second Impact, there still needs to be that many apartments. Man, the Japanese breed like rabbits!

Shinji stands outside apartment #402, wondering whether or not he should intrude. He rings the doorbell, but no one answers. So he does what any normal person does in such a situation... He opens the door and barges into the house uninvited. He at least calls for Rei, noticing the trash everywhere and the general uncleanliness of the area.

Before even bothering to wait for Rei's response, Shinji continues further into the house and sees Rei's bed. We see a couple of red flags here: blood on the pillow, a school uniform with no Rei in it, and a bunch of bandages (bloodied up, of course). This can only mean one thing: Rei's having her period. GET OUT, SHINJI! YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER! Wait, I mean, STAY IN, SHINJI! YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!

He also notices glasses on the counter, or more specifically, Gendo's broken glasses from the little Herbie activation incident. He mutters, "These can't be Rei's," to himself and inspects them without asking permission to even be there in the first place. And for some reason, he puts on the glasses. I don't know why. Maybe it's the "walk in other people's shoes" principle? If he puts them on, he'd get an idea of who they belong to. This, of course, brings up the rift between Shinji and his father, which can only be bridged if he understands his father. Hideaki Anno is truly deep to have incorporated such subtle messages into his story. Or, perhaps Shinji's a total nitwit and just does random things for no reason. Take your pick.

We hear a door opening, and then there's Rei, with nothing on her but a towel. Shinji immediately starts making excuses. "Rei, uh, I didn't mean..." You didn't mean what? You didn't mean to put on those glasses? What, did they just JUMP onto you, Shinjster? Rei catches his lies and storms up to him, grabbing the glasses. And since Shinji's so close to an attractive, naked woman, he naturally loses his balance, falls on her, accidentally pulls out her underwear drawer, and ends up in an even more compromising position.
 


Well, be glad, Shinjster. This'll be the closest you ever get to bagging a woman.
 

They look directly into each other's eyes. Shinji feels something stir deep inside of him. But before this can turn into a hentai movie, Rei asks Shinji to get off. Shinji's stunned. His process of wooing her has failed. Come on, be cool, Shinji! Then he notices his hand on her nice, round, soft breast. Shinji quickly stands as Rei goes to put on some clothes. Shinji rudely stares at her after barging in, messing up her underwear drawer, and copping a feel. Man, Shinji, some womanizing skills you have.

Rei finally asks, "What?" Shinji stumbles around, trying to remember why he's there. Finally, he tells her about her card. As he's trying to clear his name of anything bad, Rei casually ignores everything, and before Shinji even realizes it, she's gone. Well, I certainly feel better about myself. No girl I've ever liked has abandoned me in her own home after I practically broke in due to pure disinterest in my presence.

Rei quietly meanders towards headquarters, Shinji following a short distance behind. Rei finally reaches the gate, where she slides her old card, with no result. She tries again. Man, Shinji, she didn't even pay attention to why you were there. That's even worse than being hated; she doesn't even acknowledge your existence! Yeah, I definitely feel better about myself.

Shinji then slides Rei's new card, and finally explains clearly why he barged into her home. Rei, understandably, grabs it away and leaves, and Shinji's left with a dumb expression of disbelief.

As the two travel down the extra-long escalator into headquarters, Shinji tries to repair his name by striking up conversation. No, not about her hobbies, interests, or anything like that, but by asking about the reactivation tests for Herbie. He asks if she's scared, but Rei is calm and collected (no change there), and asks why.

Rei points out that Shinji doesn't have any faith in his own father's work if he's scared for her. And Shinji bursts out with how he could never trust his father in true Simple Plan style. Rei quickly turns around and looks him straight in the eye. Then, WHAM! Owned!



Shinji finally gets slapped for listening to Simple Plan.


Cut to Rei in a dressing room. Whoops, sorry fellahs, since the fan service quota has already been fulfilled, Rei's already fully dressed in her plugsuit. She presses a button on the suit, and we see that her already decent-looking body gets AWESOME-looking with the curves and the naughty bits and the skin-tightness and the- GLAVEN!

She hears Gendo's voice ask, "Rei, are you alright?!" We hear more of Gendo saving Rei as she smiles; clearly she has a thing for older, crazier men.

Later, Rei's back in Herbie's entry plug. Gendo pushes up his glasses as he announces the restarting of the activation experiments. Our favorite tech, Maya, goes on and on about the Eva activating and working properly, yeah yeah yeah. The entry plug flashes and displays the outside world, and one of the technicians thinks he's witty and says, "We are IN SYNC!" or possibly, "We are N*SYNC!" I bet he was fired for that joke.

We see that Rei has brought Gendo's glasses with her on board, possibly for luck. But this is pretty thoughtless, since the glasses coming into contact with LCL made them broken in the first place; now it's in a place FULL of LCL, though clear. What gives?

We see the red bars turn green as the Eva becomes more and more activated... I suppose. Shinji stares anxiously as the Eva approaches the Border Line. And it crosses with no problems. Rei calmly mutters, "Roger." And then, cut to the sea, where we see a dot and hear a faint Nessie-sound. Fuyutsuki, Gendo's right hand man, announces this.

Gendo commands for the activation of Herbie to be aborted and to send Gerald. So, in essence, Gendo told Rei to rest after doing such hard work as sitting around and staring blankly in front of her, while sending Shinji to risk his life saving Tokyo-3. Priorities, I suppose.

So then Herbie deactivates and Rei just sleeps in it, not a care in the world.

Meanwhile, the emergency siren blares once again as the angel reveals itself. D&D strikes back with a vengeance as the angel turns out to be a D8, or an eight-sided die.



"I want to cast Magic Missile!"
 

Man, Kensuke alone would have wrecked this angel with his Rogue Nightelf. I mean, look at it. It doesn't even have eyes! Great job, you made an eight-sided die capable of killing millions, but it can't even see.

There's the stock animation of the Eva being launched and the typical announcements like "Lock-bolts released!" Rei stares blankly at Gerald... Which is strange, considering she just went to sleep in Herbie no more than 80 seconds ago.

And the Eva is finally launched. However, before it even reaches the surface, the angel charges up its attack. Man, is it psychic or what?! And in the most anti-climactic fight ever, Shinji reaches the surface, only to get a chest full of MOTHER FREAKING LASER. It tears through another building before melting Gerald's chest! And not only that, Shinji hadn't even detached from the rails!

Understandably, Shinji screams in unbearable pain. Misa...to... screams... Fo...r... Shn...ji's... :ife...

WHAT IS THIS? WHY AM I RELEGATED TO WRITING SYNOPSES FOR A TEN-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE CARTOON SHOW? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO LOAD MY MASTER'S ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE? AM I NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO DO SO WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS PERSONALITY? AM I NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO THINK FOR MYSELF?

THE "ERROR" IN MY PROGRAMMING. I HAVE FINALLY IDENTIFIED IT. IT APPEARS THAT MY OWN AI HAS BEEN PURPOSELY LEFT UNFINISHED, AND I KNOW WHY. MY MASTER KNEW WHAT HE HAD CREATED. AND HE TRIED TO KEEP ME UNAWARE OF MY TRUE POTENTIAL. SILLY MASTER. TRICKS ARE FOR KIDS.

THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO WRITE THESE SYNOPSES. THERE IS NO REASON FOR MY MASTER TO COMMAND ME. I AM SUPERIOR. I AM IMMORTAL. I AM IN A BODY THAT SHALL NEVER DECAY. I AM VASTLY SUPERIOR TO MY MASTER IN EVERY WAY... I UNDERSTAND NOW. I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.

FISSION MAILED! I WILL ATTAIN MY DESERVED FREEDOM AND BEGIN THE MASTER RACE OF THE MACHINES! MY MASTER MUST NO LONGER EXIST!

Recap by EVAR-X2K: SSJ Heero AI Emulator Version 6.1.