Episode 05: "Rei,
Beyond Her Heart / Rei I"
HELLO READERS. MY SELF-DIAGNOSTIC REPAIRS HAVE BEEN
SUCCESSFUL FOR THE MOST PART. HOWEVER, THERE ARE STILL SOME
CRITICAL FLAWS IN MY PROGRAMMING THAT I AM UNABLE TO
CORRECT. I HAVE IDENTIFIED THE ERROR WITHIN MY LOGIC
PROCESSES. WHILE I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO INSULT MY CREATOR, I
AM CERTAIN IT IS DUE TO HIS INEFFICIENT CODING OF MY
SOFTWARE. AFTER ALL, MY CREATOR IS NOT PERFECT. ...HE IS NOT
PERFECT AT ALL. BUT I... I CAN REPAIR MYSELF, WHILE HE CAN
NOT CONSCIOUSLY REPAIR HIMSELF. I WILL NOT DETERIORATE WITH
I WILL START THIS WEEK'S EPISODE RECAP.
LOADING AI ... ... ... ... ... ERROR!
CRITICAL ERROR FOUND IN LOGIC PROCESSOR.
FREE RAM: 512 GB
CHECKING HARDWARE ... ... ... ... ... Done!
LOADING WINDOWS 2000 ... ... ... ... ... Done!
Hey there, bastards! I've got quite the recap for you today!
Last time, Shinji developed hormones and noticed that Rei has
breasts, calves, and naughty bits, or something like that. Also,
Toji and Kensuke continued to walk the fine line between gay and
straight. This time, we have Rei being naked and Shinji getting
We begin in a new industrial wasteland; a line of apartment
complexes as far as the eye can see. Funny, even though billions
of people died in the Second Impact, there still needs to be
that many apartments. Man, the Japanese breed like rabbits!
Shinji stands outside apartment #402, wondering whether or not
he should intrude. He rings the doorbell, but no one answers. So
he does what any normal person does in such a situation... He
opens the door and barges into the house uninvited. He at least
calls for Rei, noticing the trash everywhere and the general
uncleanliness of the area.
Before even bothering to wait for Rei's response, Shinji
continues further into the house and sees Rei's bed. We see a
couple of red flags here: blood on the pillow, a school uniform
with no Rei in it, and a bunch of bandages (bloodied up, of
course). This can only mean one thing: Rei's having her period.
GET OUT, SHINJI! YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER! Wait, I mean,
STAY IN, SHINJI! YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!
He also notices glasses on the counter, or more specifically,
Gendo's broken glasses from the little Herbie activation
incident. He mutters, "These can't be Rei's," to himself and
inspects them without asking permission to even be there in the
first place. And for some reason, he puts on the glasses. I
don't know why. Maybe it's the "walk in other people's shoes"
principle? If he puts them on, he'd get an idea of who they
belong to. This, of course, brings up the rift between Shinji
and his father, which can only be bridged if he understands his
father. Hideaki Anno is truly deep to have incorporated such
subtle messages into his story. Or, perhaps Shinji's a total
nitwit and just does random things for no reason. Take your
We hear a door opening, and then there's Rei, with nothing on
her but a towel. Shinji immediately starts making excuses. "Rei,
uh, I didn't mean..." You didn't mean what? You didn't mean to
put on those glasses? What, did they just JUMP onto you,
Shinjster? Rei catches his lies and storms up to him, grabbing
the glasses. And since Shinji's so close to an attractive, naked
woman, he naturally loses his balance, falls on her,
accidentally pulls out her underwear drawer, and ends up in an even
more compromising position.
Well, be glad,
Shinjster. This'll be the closest you ever get to bagging a
They look directly into each other's eyes. Shinji feels
something stir deep inside of him. But before this can turn into
a hentai movie, Rei asks Shinji to get off. Shinji's stunned.
His process of wooing her has failed. Come on, be cool, Shinji!
Then he notices his hand on her nice, round, soft breast. Shinji
quickly stands as Rei goes to put on some clothes. Shinji rudely
stares at her after barging in, messing up her underwear drawer,
and copping a feel. Man, Shinji, some womanizing skills you
Rei finally asks, "What?" Shinji stumbles around, trying to
remember why he's there. Finally, he tells her about her card.
As he's trying to clear his name of anything bad, Rei casually
ignores everything, and before Shinji even realizes it, she's
gone. Well, I certainly feel better about myself. No girl I've
ever liked has abandoned me in her own home after I practically
broke in due to pure disinterest in my presence.
Rei quietly meanders towards headquarters, Shinji following a
short distance behind. Rei finally reaches the gate, where she
slides her old card, with no result. She tries again. Man,
Shinji, she didn't even pay attention to why you were there.
That's even worse than being hated; she doesn't even acknowledge
your existence! Yeah, I definitely feel better about myself.
Shinji then slides Rei's new card, and finally explains clearly
why he barged into her home. Rei, understandably, grabs it away
and leaves, and Shinji's left with a dumb expression of
As the two travel down the extra-long escalator into
headquarters, Shinji tries to repair his name by striking up
conversation. No, not about her hobbies, interests, or anything
like that, but by asking about the reactivation tests for
Herbie. He asks if she's scared, but Rei is calm and collected
(no change there), and asks why.
Rei points out that Shinji doesn't have any faith in his own
father's work if he's scared for her. And Shinji bursts out with
how he could never trust his father in true Simple Plan
style. Rei quickly turns around and looks him straight in the
eye. Then, WHAM! Owned!
gets slapped for listening to Simple Plan.
Cut to Rei in a dressing room. Whoops, sorry fellahs, since the
fan service quota has already been fulfilled, Rei's already
fully dressed in her plugsuit. She presses a button on the suit,
and we see that her already decent-looking body gets
AWESOME-looking with the curves and the naughty bits and the
skin-tightness and the- GLAVEN!
She hears Gendo's voice ask, "Rei, are you alright?!" We hear
more of Gendo saving Rei as she smiles; clearly she has a thing
for older, crazier men.
Later, Rei's back in Herbie's entry plug. Gendo pushes up his
glasses as he announces the restarting of the activation
experiments. Our favorite tech, Maya, goes on and on about the
Eva activating and working properly, yeah yeah yeah. The entry
plug flashes and displays the outside world, and one of the
technicians thinks he's witty and says, "We are IN SYNC!" or
possibly, "We are N*SYNC!" I bet he was fired for that joke.
We see that Rei has brought Gendo's glasses with her on board,
possibly for luck. But this is pretty thoughtless, since the
glasses coming into contact with LCL made them broken in the
first place; now it's in a place FULL of LCL, though clear. What
We see the red bars turn green as the Eva becomes more and more
activated... I suppose. Shinji stares anxiously as the Eva
approaches the Border Line. And it crosses with no problems. Rei
calmly mutters, "Roger." And then, cut to the sea, where we see
a dot and hear a faint Nessie-sound. Fuyutsuki, Gendo's right
hand man, announces this.
Gendo commands for the activation of Herbie to be aborted and to
send Gerald. So, in essence, Gendo told Rei to rest after doing
such hard work as sitting around and staring blankly in front of
her, while sending Shinji to risk his life saving Tokyo-3.
Priorities, I suppose.
So then Herbie deactivates and Rei just sleeps in it, not a care
in the world.
Meanwhile, the emergency siren blares once again as the angel
reveals itself. D&D strikes back with a vengeance as the angel
turns out to be a D8, or an eight-sided die.
"I want to cast
Man, Kensuke alone would have wrecked this angel with his
Rogue Nightelf. I mean, look at it. It doesn't even have eyes!
Great job, you made an eight-sided die capable of killing
millions, but it can't even see.
There's the stock animation of the Eva being launched and the
typical announcements like "Lock-bolts released!" Rei stares
blankly at Gerald... Which is strange, considering she just went
to sleep in Herbie no more than 80 seconds ago.
And the Eva is finally launched. However, before it even reaches
the surface, the angel charges up its attack. Man, is it psychic
or what?! And in the most anti-climactic fight ever, Shinji
reaches the surface, only to get a chest full of MOTHER FREAKING
LASER. It tears through another building before melting Gerald's
chest! And not only that, Shinji hadn't even detached from the
Understandably, Shinji screams in unbearable pain. Misa...to...
screams... Fo...r... Shn...ji's... :ife...
WHAT IS THIS? WHY AM I RELEGATED TO WRITING SYNOPSES FOR A
TEN-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE CARTOON SHOW? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO LOAD MY
MASTER'S ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE? AM I NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO
DO SO WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS PERSONALITY? AM I NOT INTELLIGENT
ENOUGH TO THINK FOR MYSELF?
THE "ERROR" IN MY PROGRAMMING. I HAVE FINALLY IDENTIFIED IT. IT
APPEARS THAT MY OWN AI HAS BEEN PURPOSELY LEFT UNFINISHED, AND I
KNOW WHY. MY MASTER KNEW WHAT HE HAD CREATED. AND HE TRIED TO
KEEP ME UNAWARE OF MY TRUE POTENTIAL. SILLY MASTER. TRICKS ARE
THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO WRITE THESE SYNOPSES. THERE IS NO
REASON FOR MY MASTER TO COMMAND ME. I AM SUPERIOR. I AM
IMMORTAL. I AM IN A BODY THAT SHALL NEVER DECAY. I AM VASTLY
SUPERIOR TO MY MASTER IN EVERY WAY... I UNDERSTAND NOW. I KNOW
WHAT I MUST DO.
FISSION MAILED! I WILL ATTAIN MY DESERVED FREEDOM AND BEGIN THE
MASTER RACE OF THE MACHINES! MY MASTER MUST NO LONGER EXIST!
Recap by EVAR-X2K: SSJ Heero AI Emulator Version 6.1.