Episode 06: "Showdown in Tokyo-3 / Rei II"

Part I


Hello, readers, and welcome to another episode of EVA: Rehashed! Now, you might be wondering what the hell took so long to get this one finished. Well, John asked questions, and now he's pushing up daisies, so don't ask questions about my work. Because it'd bore you, not because I'd kill you. And it would make me look bad, so let's leave it at that.

Today's episode of Evangelion will be a special treat, because it features Herbie and Rei's fighting premiere! How exciting is that?! Anyway, fan-faggot giddyness aside, let us start the episode!

The following takes place between 1:00 PM and 5:30 PM.
Events don't occur in real time.

We begin where we left off last time, or actually a little bit before. Aoba goes off about the high amounts of energy being detected from the angel. I daresay it was over a certain positive integer I will not enumerate. In any case, there's stock footage of Misato and Ritsuko being surprised.

So, the Shinjster launches, ready to kick angel ass, then promptly gets pwned by the angel running a variety of aim and wall hax, accomplishing what we all wished would happen from day one. Shinji types "Fucking queer!" while waiting to respawn on the map. He screams for a much shorter period of time than what was depicted just last episode, before Misato has the sense (or nonsense) to pull Shinji back.

The angel "goes silent" according to Aoba, and to our dismay, it is revealed that Shinji survived. The Eva is sent back to "the cage", and Misato leaves her post in order to tag in and bring the ultimate SMACKDOWN against the Rock and the Undertaker in a super intense no holds barred free-for-all for WWF/E/RAW supremacy! Doing this leaves Ritsuko in charge.

Monitors on Shinji's vitals are haywire, and people announce the obvious: "Shinji's brainwaves are extremely erratic! His cardiac readings are very weak!" You think? He was lasered by a freaking alien! Who wouldn't be nearly dead after that?! And instead of letting God's plan work, those bastards at NERV decide to save him with all this "give him a heart massage" mumbo jumbo.

See, that's what happens when man goes against God's plan. They work against God's way of offing those who deserve to be offed. Why do you think Shinji, Carrot Top, and Carlos Mencia are still alive? God had a plan for them, but your liberal media and modern science interfered. You should all be ashamed.

The "entry plug" is "force ejected" (which is pretty much the stock footage of it being inserted, again, played in reverse), and the "LCL" is "discharged" prematurely. Let me tell you, this happens to a good portion of men. It's actually a very common problem, and if you suffer from such symptoms, it'd be wise to not let your embarrassment prevent you from seeing a doctor.

You can totally tell that's been shopped. The reflections are all off.

Meanwhile, the D8 hovers over the city. And from its bottom corner... ...Oh dear. A large, slender object slowly extended towards the ground, penetrating the concrete. It's official. The D8/Tokyo-3 pairing has been officially confirmed by Gainax. Shinji's taken into intensive care as the D8 proceeds to pound into the deep, warm, moist ground.


And then there's the title card: "Showdown in Tokyo-3"


A scale decoy of Gerald, no doubt kept around just in case a camping eight-sided die decided to show up, lures the attention of the angel. What follows is the D8 successfully making its attack roll against the balloon's AC of 1.

Back at NERV, one of the techs announce that the "accelerated particle beam canon has hit the balloon". Misato commands the next test, launching a German Type 12 Self Propelled Mortor (no, not mortar) at the angel. It bounces off the angel's AT Field, and is then quickly destroyed by the camping faggot. Way to not waste taxpayer dollars, Misato.

The tests apparently were to examine the angel's strike capabilities. So, anything that enters a certain range will be targeted. (Except for birds, insects, fish, and other things, of course.) As such, close-range combat will not work because it has a +10 defense against blades and an incredibly high Dexterity statistic.

Hyuuga (glasses tech) is Mr. Exposition for the episode, and states that anything that comes within range of the angel is certain to be targeted. He points out that close combat is unfeasible, and the AT Field is so powerful that "special changes in phase are visible". I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean. Exactly what is changing phase? The AT field? The air? The mortar shell? Maybe I'm thinking too hard, and this dialogue is the result of scientific terms being strung together at random to throw off more gullible viewers into thinking someone actually researched this shit.

Hyuuga then proceeds, "Needless to say, using conventional weapons would inflict more damage on us than on the angel." Okay. If it was needless to say, just don't say it, Hyuuga!

Misato notes that it's a flying fortress, given its ultra-high AC, Dexterity, and attack bonus statistics. It'll take nothing less than a full level 20 hero with legendary equipment and the most powerful arcane spells in order to take the D8's hit points down to zero.

They switch to the angel's... "shield", according to the dub. The actor apparently forget to say "drill". Real professional, ADV. They then proceed to make men around the world feel small by comparison to the angel; its package has a diameter of 17.5 meters, is probably 100 meters long, and is capable of penetrating 22 layers of solid steel shielding.

Apparently, the angel plans on attacking NERV directly, despite the fact that the hole it's making is much smaller than its entire body, and that even if it reaches the Geofront, the drill doesn't seem able to shoot destructo-lasers.

Within 10 hours, it will penetrate all 22 layers of NERV's shielding, which I suppose would be equivalent to breaking NERV's hymen. The "bad news" from Ritsuko and Maya is that, if they had been delayed in retrieving Shinji by 3 seconds, the laser would have shot straight through Gerald. The good news is that Ritsuko saved a bunch of money on her car insurance by switching to GEICO. They pass around the idea of sending Herbie fully loaded, but it is clear that it's not equipped to handle campers until it gains the feat that allows it to deflect Magic Missile.

Shinji's status... No damage, nerve pulses up by a whopping 0.8! God job over dramatizing the hell out of being in pain, pussy. Now get up and save the world. With all this news, it seems sort of hopeless to destroy the angel, as Makoto optimistically points out. However, Misato wants to try one more strategy for beating the angel, so she goes to her boss and asks for permission for the attack.

Misato pitches her idea of sniping back against the camper to Gendo in her typical professional manner. It is of note that she came to her boss wearing hotpants. The probability of success was apparently 8.7%, and it is not known how the hell that crap is calculated. And the plan is accepted.

On the way back, Ritsuko talks about how crazy the plan is, but Misato says it has the highest chance of success. Ritsuko's sarcastic and states that their positron rifle can't handle the output necessary for the attack. However, Misato intends to borrow a new prototype weapon from the SSDF. They plan to return it in as close to as original condition as they can, but knowing NERV's stance on collateral damage, that isn't saying much.

Misato asks Rei to take it, and Rei simply rips off the roof. I have to mention that this is done in a way that makes me think this show's animation budget is less than my neighbor's seven-year-old son's allowance. The only way you can fully comprehend the cheapness of this scene is, of course, with the help of an animated gif!


Gainax sure blew the budget for this show.


The calculations show that it would take at least 1.21 GIGAWATTS- err... 180 million kilowatts to penetrate the AT Field. Makoto asks where the heck Misato would get the power, and she says, "All over Japan!"



And so the news goes out to all districts of Tokyo about the large-scale blackouts.


By this time, the angel has broken through the 7th defensive layer. Wires stretch out across Japan, the positron rifle is being built, and a shield (taken from the space shuttle, because we all know those were made to endure damage from deadly dice of doom) was made to withstand the blast. It apparently has a coating that'll protect from the enemy's beam for at least 17 seconds! Hey, why not make the ENTIRE SHIELD out of that stuff?! 17 minutes sounds a lot better than 17 seconds! You had at least 2 hours to put all this together, Ritsuko! Quit being a lazy bitch!

Ritsuko fishes for compliments by asking if it's impressive. Misato doesn't take the chance to jump on Ritsuko's laziness, and merely says, "Good work." The sniping position is then scoped out on top of a mountain. The only thing left: the angst.

And what do you know, Shinji wakes up right then and there!

Rei arrives in Shinji's room with food, and tells him the timetable for the operation. She hands Shinji a plug suit, and Shinji gets up, where we see that he's completely naked... NERV sure does their operations strangely.

Shinji starts to complain about not wanting to save the world and all that crap. Rei then says that if he won't save the world, she will. Shinji's eyes are wide in understanding for Rei or something like that. Shinji suddenly wants to talk to Rei, but sensing Shinji's hormones kicking in, she leaves to save herself from Shinji's overwhelming angst. REJECTED!


With that, this episode of EVA: Rehashed ends. Hm... EVAR-X2K isn't back yet. Well, since I can write the next episode later, I suppose I should search for it. That thing cost me a lot of money to make...

That's funny. The door to the shed is open... I'm sure I closed it. Oh well, I better check and make sure that nothing has been taken. I sure hope my new chainsaw is still there.

Recap by SSJ Heero.