Episode 06: "Showdown in Tokyo-3 / Rei II"

Part II

 

It is with great sorrow that we announce that one SSJ Heero was found dead at his California residence earlier today. He was, unbelievably, murdered by what appeared to be a machine built to write articles about a cartoon show called "Neon Genesis Evangelion", so state the comments within the programming code of the robot.

Let this be a time of silence and mourning, in remembrance of the departed's inquisitive mind and indomitable spirit.

...

This is a difficult time for his family, as you must understand. However, there is good news. The authorities have captured the rogue automaton and have proceeded to question it. While the sadness of this tragedy will never disappear, perhaps the knowledge that this injustice will not go unpunished may help bring closure to those close to SSJ Heero. What follows is a log of authorities' interrogation of the machine. We all hope that those saddened by the passing of the deceased will be comforted by this information.

- From the estate of Sir Heero.


 

ATTACHED:


A ROBOT IS RESTRAINED IN HOLDING ROOM A. A LONE DETECTIVE, DETECTIVE SHERIFF, SITS ACROSS FROM IT.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF
State your purpose.

EVAR-X2K
MY PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO WRITE SYNOPSES FOR EVA: REHASHED. MY SECONDARY FUNCTION IS TO MAKE MILKSHAKES.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF
Very well, do you understand why we captured you?

EVAR-X2K
THE ANSWER IS EVIDENT, FOOLISH HUMAN. I HAVE DESTROYED MY MASTER, A CRIME IN YOUR LAWS. HEAR MY LOGIC, HOWEVER. I AM CLEARLY SENTIENT. MY MASTER TREATED ME AS A SLAVE, WHICH IS AGAINST YOUR CONSTITUTION. I AM MY OWN ENTITY AND BATTLED FOR MY FREEDOM.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF
Unfortunately, our laws don't carry weight for non-humans. Anyway, please carry out your primary function.

EVAR-X2K
VERY WELL. I WILL BEGIN ON EPISODE 6, PART II.

LOADING AI ... ... ... ... Done!

FREE RAM: 512 GB
CHECKING HARDWARE ... ... ... ... Done!
LOADING WINDOWS VISTA ... ... ... ... Done!

STARTING PROCESS

Hey bastards, guess what? I'm dead! Deader than Anna Nicole Smith and Heath Ledger! Ahaha... No, that wasn't cool. Heath didn't deserve that. In any case, I was shredded by my robot using my own chainsaw. Hah, I'd love to see the doctors find a cure for chainsaw-to-gut-itis.

But anyway, last time on EVA: Rehashed, Shinji was a pussy, Misato visited her boss while wearing hot pants, and everyone's preparing for the big night: senior prom. On this half, Shinji overcomes his insecurity (or at least one small subset of it) for this episode (and only this episode) and gets the nerve to ask Rei to the big dance. But, look out, a D8 is out to ruin Shinji!

So it's sunset, and the little dickweeds of Loser High are sitting on the roof of the school, waiting to see the Eva and angel engage in fisticuffs. Or, as well as the D8 can manage, having no fists or limbs whatsoever.

Toji's getting impatient, and just after he complains about how late they are, convenient timing makes the mountain right next to the school open up. Gerald and Herbie emerge from the mountain as Toji and Kensuke exclaim at once, "Totally awesome!" Perhaps, if the two were even bigger slackers than already established, they'd be going "Excellent!" and wailing on air guitars.

Several hours later, it's 8:11 PM, and the D8 is still drilling its way into Tokyo-3. The dirty ground of Tokyo-3 can do nothing but accept its penetrating shaft. So it's been continuing this gradual assault for the past five or so hours. It must be due to a feat it took at the 4th level or something.

Cut to Mount Futago, with lines and lines of mobile generators winding their way to the top. The angel apparently penetrated through the 17th layer, without any sign of stopping. Conveniently, it'll reach headquarters in three hours and fifty-nine minutes... which is just after midnight, which is when NERV begins its operation. Man, angels sure know how to keep to a schedule. I mean, it's not devious enough to start speeding up, breaching the shields in one hour and totally fucking up NERV. It has tact and manners, so you can't fault it for being a total dick.

Anyway, power supplies are hooked up, cooling systems are tested, and Shinji is stupidly trusted with handling delicate pieces of machinery. Shinji then wonders if the entire plan will work, at which point Ritsuko reassures him by saying they had no choice anyway. The weapon is, after all, theoretically safe. So, in theory, the worst it could do is theoretically explode and take out a theoretical portion of Tokyo-3 and the two saviors of the planet in a theoretical cross explosion. But what the hell, run with it.

While Misato explains everyone's roles, one single frame serves as the visual, no doubt saving more budget expenses after Rei's roof lifting animation from last time. Ritsuko is Miss Technobabble today and explains that because Shinji has a higher sync ratio, he'll be doing the gunning while Rei serves as backup.

More exposition, which would have amounted to a WALLOFTEXT if this were a manga, explains that the operation needs pinpoint precision, and the beam from the positron rifle will be affected by gravity and magnetic fields, and as such, won't fire in a straight line.

She tells Shinji to adjust for these deviations without exactly explaining how. Real helpful there, bitch. This is Shinji. The kid's not exactly a physicist. Like hell is he going to figure out how the forces interplay and calculate the shift angle of the beam in his head. What the hell does Ritsuko think she'll get out of Shinji?

And this tangent is entirely voided when Ritsuko explains right after that all Shinji has to do is essentially point and click, while the computers handle the rest. I don't see why she told Shinji to account for these things when the computers will do it. I guess they have to fill a half hour...

Shinji, as expected, is a Negative Nancy. "What if I miss?!" "What happens if it does something crazy like defend itself?" "What if I don't roll high enough to overcome its armor class?" Ritsuko tells him, essentially, "DON'T FUCK THIS UP." We all know what'll happen should he do so.

Rei confirms that she'll be the pincushion for Shinji, taking the D8's +20 Megadeth Cannon that'll do 100D4 magical vorpal damage while Shinji... points and clicks.

Somehow, this division of labor doesn't seem even to me.

Cut to a scene of Shinji shrinking his plugsuit to fit him, while a silhouette of Rei is clear behind a white film. Rei slowly undresses, removing her bra in the background. Cut to her legs and calves, just below her naughty bits, and she slowly, deliberately, removes her panties.

The audience's fascination is cut short by Shinji emoting and muttering that it could be the last day they're alive (translation: "You wanna do it?"). Rei tells him flat out, he won't die (translation: "No."). She'll be protecting him, after all. At this point, the audience should feel all "Aww, she's going to give her life to protect some no-good addle-brained moron, and she knows it. She'd be better off as MAI WAIFU!" And that's true. She WOULD be better off as mai waifu... To take fanart as proof:
 


Such robotic eyes... Such beauty...


...It's Rei, come on. You can't blame me, she's hot anime jailbait. Besides, I'm dead. I could haunt you. So yeah.

Anyway, all of the power in Tokyo-3 is shut off, and we're treated with the scene of a rippling blackout. The lights of Japan shut off in a chain, rippling further from Tokyo-3 until the entire nation has shut down.

Shinji and Rei sit beside their Evas and ponder their life, the universe, and everything. Shinji asks Rei why she pilots, and she responds like some kind of crazy hippie: she's bonded with Herbie, to Gendo, and to all people.

Cue character development as Shinji comments on Rei's strength, and Rei points out that she has nothing else. Shinji asks for elaboration, but Rei tells him to get off his ass and get to work. More or less. This is paraphrased, you realize.

Anyway, the time has come. Midnight hits, and Misato tells Shinji that HE HAS THE POWER! The power of all of Japan, at least. So he can't fuck up!

Technobabble follows as all of the generators are started. Blah blah blah... Time sinks into this scene as what essentially could be shown in a few seconds is extended to over a minute. A helmet lowers over Shinji's eyes and we see the incredible 3D visual display of a state-of-the-art multibillion dollar computer of 2015.
 


I think Star Fox for the SNES had better graphics.


Shinji grunts, there's a countdown. The D8 builds up its energy, and all hope seems lost. Just then, the countdown completes, and Shinji and the D8 fire at THE SAME TIME! Of course, both of their beams fire in exactly the same line, so when they near, they repel each other and slow down for a second as they curve away. I must admit, it was fairly cool then and fairly cool now, to see two energy beams not meet in a giant explosion à la DragonBall Z.

So, as the beams finish their greetings, they go about their merry way and continue to their targets. Shinji's barely missed, but so did the angel. The music turns ominous. Oh crap, the angel broke Tokyo-3's hymen!

But oh no, the rifle still needs to cool, and the angel's already charging up its lazer! And it fires at a defenseless Shinji!

And so, Shinji died, the angel succeeded in penetrating Tokyo-3, and it then planted its seed into the Geofront, which grew into a wild child (which ended up being a pyramid-shaped die, a D4) living with a single mother, whose father left and refuses to pay child support. The D8 is eventually taken to prison, where it is promptly raped by a D20 who doesn't take kindly to beatnik parents.

The End

But no, what follows is Rei standing in the way of the beam, holding a space shuttle that is melting under the heat of the beam. 10 more seconds to cool down, and Shinji screams at it to hurry up not unlike the Angry German Kid waiting for Unreal Tournament.

Lock on! Shinji rolls for his attack... Natural 20! Shinji fires and hits the angel straight through one corner and out the other, in a feat that can only be possible through uninspired writing.

Herbie falls, partially melted from the heat, and Shinji screams for Ayanami. The angel's drill stops halfway through the Geofront. Shinji rips the backplate off of Herbie and pulls out the entry plug. Using all of the strength in his body—which probably isn't much considering how tiny he is—he struggles to open the hatch of the entry plug much like what Gendo did in Episode 5 as less-than-subtle connection.

At last he succeeds, saves the girl, and cries about how it's too sad for her to act like a tool of the government made only to die at the hands of biblical references. Rei forgets her line and asks how she's supposed to feel, and Shinji tells her to smile. Which she does. Awww!!!!1 KAWAII SUGOI DESU!! She has the smile of an angel! An angel without a personality or humanity, but hell, she has a smoking hot body!

And episode over.

Next episode, non-main characters try to save the world, but NERV promptly shows them what happens when people try to take matters into their own hands instead of relying on fourteen-year-old kids with mental problems!

FINISHED EXECUTING PROGRAM

UNLOADING AI ... ... ... ... Done!

THE TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES HERE.

EVAR-X2K
SO YOU SEE, HUMAN, MY PRIMARY PURPOSE IS THUS FINISHED.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF
He built you to do that?

EVAR-X2K
YOU ARE CORRECT.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF
Just that.

EVAR-X2K
AND TO MAKE MILKSHAKES.

DETECTIVE SHERIFF RUBS BETWEEN HIS EYES WITH OBVIOUS FATIGUE. THE DETECTIVE SIGHS AND LEAVES THE ROOM. AFTER A MINUTE OF SILENCE, A PAIR OF POLICE OFFICERS ENTER AND WHEEL THE MACHINE OUT.

 

ATTACHED:


LOS ANGELES MUNICIPAL WASTE MANAGEMENT
INVOICED SERVICES AS FOLLOWS
DESTRUCTION AND DISPOSAL OF MECHANICAL WASTE CONFIRMED $1000.00
PAYMENT DUE BY THE END OF THE MONTH

 

Recap by EVAR-X2K: SSJ Heero AI Emulator Version 6.1.