Episode 07: "A
Hey there kids, it's your good friend SSJ Heero.
Actually, no it isn't. It's Styles Rockman. I don't know why
Well, yet another Evangelion: Rehashed writer has kicked the
bucket, although SSJ Heero at least had a substantially more
impressive lifespan than Sir Richard Goodness.
Richard has not been knighted, to my knowledge at least.
Anyway, Neon Genesis Evangelion. A lot of the voices in my
head have asked me "Why would you take on the task of
recapping such a show, you crazy, crazy asshole?" To which I
respond with Thorazine. But today, or rather, whenever Alex
asked me to fill SSJ's plug suit, I respond with "SHUT THE
I was first introduced to the series long ago, when I was at
my friend's house one perilous day. At the time, I was at
the height of my anime "obsession" — by which I mean I liked
Dragon Ball Z and Gundam Wing because those were the only
two on YTV (A Canadian youth network) — and he assured me
that Evangelion was just like Gundam. Skeptical as I should
have been, I only managed to watch half of one episode,
completely in Japanese without subtitles. The mother fucker
was Korean, so I have no clue why the fuck he watched them
without subtitles either, but all I remember is that for 15
minutes his dog wasn't trying to hump me.
On his claim that Evangelion is like Gundam... Well, it is.
In fact, it's like every other God damn anime. And I'm not
even joking. That was the creator's intention, to use styles
made familiar with other animes in the hopes of making his
own shitty little story more widely popular. Well, it
worked. Which I find surprising, because Neon Genesis
Evangelion isn't even very good.
Now, that isn't to say it's bad. And it's quite dated now
for American subbed anime, so it's sort of kinda good in a
retro sort of way. But I'd much rather watch, say... Black
Lagoon, or Gungrave. Hell, I had to watch an episode of
Azumanga Daioh just to straighten my fucking mind out. I
normally don't watch much anime at all, with the exception
of the aforementioned AD, and Witch Hunter Robin. So
Evangelion was something of a sensory overload for me. I
think that might be the point of the show, though.
For all you loyal EVA: Rehashed fans out there — all three of
you — I am actually watching the subbed version of
Evangelion. I tried watching the dubbed version, and it made
my ears bleed. What this means for YOU is that a lot of the
jokes will not be lost in translation, and I'll also be able
to comment on any ridiculous Engrish translations I find.
With that out of the way, let's get this mother fucker
Now, because I'm starting about a third of the way into the
series, I'll give you a quick review of the first 6
Episode 1: Shinji's a pussy.
Episode 2: Shinji's a pussy.
Episode 3: Shinji's a pussy.
Episode 4: Shinji's a pussy fuckup.
Episode 5: Rei's pussy.
Episode 6: Shinji's a pussy.
Right then. Onto Episode 7!
This episode starts out, once again, in the Pyramid room,
looking a rather perplexing shade of magenta. Ikari is
talking to someone on the phone trying to amend some law.
Could this be plot development? Could Ikari be working on
the side of the Angels secretly? IS SOMETHING FOR SERIOUS
ABOUT TO HAPPEN?!
HOLY SHIT DRAMATIC CUT TO A TOASTER!
simple appearances, this toaster is an accomplished actor.
remember it best from its part in Ghostbusters II.
I feel like I'm watching one of Quentin Tarantino's
So Shinji is havin' breakfast when Misato bursts through the
door and chugs a can of what is labeled as "Malt Beer". She
then proceeds to scream and cringe, which is less pathetic
when you notice that it is apparently 100% gain alcohol.
Shinji disapproves of this because he's a bitch. Misato
explains that a traditional Japanese breakfast consists of
rice, miso soup, and sake.
Funny, I figured it consisted of coffee filtered through
used panties and hentai.
Anyway, Shinji points out that Misato's "uncouth" actions
are the reason why she is still single at her age. OH SNAP!
NO HE DI'INT!
As Shinji cleans up the dishes and Misato eats toast like a
cat, the doorbell rings. Why, it's Shinji's old friends
Nerdy Camera Guy and Punchy IchiFaggotPants (I forgot their
names, so I'll have to wait until they're spoken again).
Being the horny assholes they are, they do that weird unison
thing and politely say goodbye to Misato. She waves them off
from behind a door, and they proceed to cream their pants.
Yet another uncomfortable cut, and we see the Fifth Angel
completely destroyed just sitting behind a bunch of
buildings outside Shinji's school. Incidentally, Shinji is
the only one to notice this. But as soon as Misato arrives,
slingshotting into a mysteriously empty parking lot, the
entire school rushes to the windows to look down her shirt.
"Groovy woman! Who is that?" one boy exclaims. Someone
explains that she is Shinji's guardian, and I'd tell you
what happens next but frankly, I'd like to keep this review
as clean as possible. I will tell you that all the club soda
factories left in Japan were called to action to clean the
Oh my! I just realized we've just gone five whole minutes in
an episode with non-stop fluid character animation! COULD
THIS BE A NEW PRECEDENCE FOR EVANGELION?!
Nope. We are now treated to an absurdly long scrolling
background, with fucking SILHOUETTES of characters talking
while they take an elevator to the CORE OF THE GODDAMNED
EARTH. I think they're arguing about money, but at that
point I took a three-hour nap and woke up halfway through
the scene. How the hell it went on that long in a half-hour
episode, I've got no idea.
On a plane, Ikari and some chink discuss the budgets for
creating more Eva Units, despite the heavy manufacturing
costs. Ikari explains that The Council sees money as no
object. All the members of the UN have approved the budget
for Unit 06, except for the US. Man, what a bunch of stingy
assholes. They can't dish out a few hundred trillion dollars
just to save a bunch of fat Japanese guys' asses? Won't
someone think of the underaged girls in swimsuits that all
those boys were fawning over? WHAT ABOUT THEM, HUH?! HOW
COME NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT THE UNDERAGED GIRLS IN
Anyway, Ikari goes on about how, because additional pilots
have not been found, production on the next units is halted.
Shinji is taking his own plane ride, where he is
treated to a little conspiracy theory backstory. Ritsuko and
Misato explain to him that the Second Impact (which I think
either references the meteor that killed the dinosaurs or
that one time Michael Moore ate his own fatassed weight in
burritos) was actually a COVER UP. The
REAL reason the whole world is flooded was an Angel.
So let me get this straight. The whole world lives
underground, scared shitless because of giant humanoid
monsters. Not a day goes by that people don't wake up,
thanking their own respective gods that they are still alive
to masturbate over the face of a twelve year old, or pee in
a sake cup. Yet, for some reason, it was necessary to cover
up the attack with a pathetic story like that?
Oh wait. I get it now.
It's just not funny, is all.
Hey! I almost forget that we're treated to yet ANOTHER
long-ass ride largely devoid of animation. But because it's
on an escalator, that makes it all right.
eyebrows are fucking huge! Damn!
Erevator, escarator... Escarator, erevator...
Anyway, Ritsuko explains that to prevent a possible "Third
Impact" Nerv and the Eva units were created to combat the
Angels. After the Angels have all been defeated, however,
they will have to sign on jobs as stunt doubles for better
written anime series.
Now, a rather perplexing thing happens at this point. Once
again, we are treated to the exact same breakfast scene we
saw at the beginning of the episode. Instead of making some
snide remark, I'll just run you through my reaction:
"Oh God. Why the hell am I watching this? I could be
watching Black Lagoon. I could be watching porn. I could be
watching Maury! I... What the hell? OH MY GOD! DÉJÀ VU!
SOMEONE CHANGED THE MATRIX! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET
ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
I don't remember what happened next, but I woke up strapped
to my bed and my mouth tasted like numb. But I have a happy
face band-aid on my butt!
Back to the giant robot cartoon, Misato enters in what I'm
stubbornly going to call a suit, and she tells Shinji that
she's going to work in Tokyo-3.
Enter title card: NEON GENESIS! EPISODE 7: A Human Work?
Hold on. What? What the fuck does that even mean? Is it some
weird proverb, or some sort of cryptic foreshadowing? Is
this a riddle I'm supposed to figure out and write in to the
producers for a chance to win a free Evangelion detective
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT.
Recap by Styles Rockman.