Episode 08: "Asuka Strikes!"

Part II

 

Welcome back, kids! Did you enjoy your break? I def– SIT THE FUCK DOWN! Let's get back down to business.

If you'll recall, the battle ships were under siege by some mysterious attacker. Several ships are sinking, yet no one can see who is doing all the damage. Misato pops in and states that it must be an Angel. Why? Just because, all right.

Captain BoyLove tries to launch a series of counter attacks against it, but of course these are all deflected by the AT-Field. Asuka and Shinji (or, at least Asuka) are taking proactive measures, however. Asuka drags Shinji into a hallway, where she suits up and prepares to enter her Eva Unit. Of course, she isn't going alone, so she hands Shinji one of her extra plug suits and demands that he put it on.
 

"I see you!"


They enter the cockpit of Eva, and Asuka tries to get it running. For whatever reason, she starts it up in German, however error screens begin popping up like the damn thing was running Windows ME. Apparently this is Shinji's fault for "thinking in Japanese."

This is an interesting bit of character development we were not familiar with before now. Don't bother going back to the first part to see if I mentioned it, because I didn't. We were just slapped in the face with the fact that Asuka is German. Well, how about that.

By the way, I'd just like to say that Asuka's voice actress trying to speak German is the cutest thing ever. It's like watching a two-legged puppy trying to chase a cat in a ball pit.

Elsewhere, Kaji calls his boss, who tells him that he should get the fuck out of there. Kaji is quick to agree with him.

After resorting to starting the unit in Japanese, Asuka launches Eva. Everyone suddenly stops worrying about the invisible enemy that is sinking their ships at an alarming rate, and tries to stop Eva from launching. Misato, of course, just sits back with a really annoying "Told ya so" look on her face that makes me want to take a leak in her open mouth.

Captain ChildRape and Misato argue over the microphone about Eva, but it doesn't do any good as Asuka ignores them and prepares to fight the Angel. We learn, through the first mate's conveniently-timed observation, that Eva Unit 02 is still in its B-Equipment. Whatever the hell this means, apparently it's not good.

Asuka jumps around, arguably causing more damage than the Angel has up to this point, trying to get to the main ship so the Eva Unit can plug itself in. It's actually quite funny watching the Eva jump around, completely destroying all the ships in a less than valiant effort to save them, but I digress.
 

"I'm helping!"


Finally, Eva lands on Misato's ship, and Asuka is able to plug herself in. She and Shinji don't hang around for long, however, as the Angel comes up from behind and pulls them underwater. Misato is now worried, warning Asuka that Eva is not designed for underwater combat in B-Equipment.

Question: Why was it in B-Equipment to begin with if it can't get wet? For Christ's sake they're at fucking sea!

The Angel, apparently having realized the immense stupidity of its adversaries, pulls Asuka and Shinji to the bottom of the ocean as the Eva's power cord quickly runs out of slack. When the power cord finally does run out, Kaji pops up on deck in a mig and announces that he's getting the fuck out.

Oh, Kaji-senpai... If only I could join you...

Asuka tries to engage the Angel underwater, but discovers that it fails with B-Equipment. Naturally, she blames Shinji for this. Hell, who wouldn't? As they sit there immobilized and wide open for attack, the Angel swims up and grabs Eva in its mouth.

Oh, by the way, this Angel has a mouth.
 

Om nom nom nom.


Topside, Misato suddenly gets a ballsy idea: Asuka and Shinji will open the Angel's mouth, and they'll sink two battleships into the Angel to self destruct, hopefully destroying the Angel.

Wait, wait. I thought they were trying to protect the fucking battleships... Is anyone else totally lost, here?

The two remaining battleships are abandoned as everyone makes preparations to sink them. This process doesn't take nearly as long as you would think. Back in the Eva, Shinji has taken control and tries to open the Angel's mouth while Bitchy Sauerkraut does what she does best and bitches incessantly.

As they reel in the Eva unit by its power cord, Asuka and Shinji try as hard as they can to open the Angel's mouth. However, they are running out of time. THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

THERE IS NO TIME LEFT!

Things are all super tense, time still running out, whatever. In typical Evangelion fashion, the boats sink into the Angel's mouth and self-destruct at the last possible second. Congratulations are had by all, and Shinji's friends laugh at the fact that he's in a girl's plug suit. Shinji ignores their taunting, and thinks to himself how nice it is to finally wear something that conforms to his girlish figure and cradles his sensitive young breasts.

We end up back in the Pyramid room yet again, and discover that Kaji has been Ikari's informant all along! Or has he? I don't know, but I'm just going to roll with that assumption. The schemey bastards have stumbled across some weird fossil that they say is the first human ever, and the key to human survival.

In school, Shinji, the camera geek, and Kawasaki YakuzaFist talk about how much they disliked Asuka. Suddenly, she surprises the fuck out of them by bursting in through the door and introducing herself as a new main character student. And that final revelation of horror brings this episode to a close.

Will Ikari use his newfound bone for justice? Will Punchymoto Ichiban score with Asuka? Will I reveal how I know what Senpai means? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF...

EVANGELION: RE-MOTHER-FUCKIN'-HASHED.

Recap by Styles Rockman.