Episode 09: "Both of You, Dance Like You Want to Win!"

Part I

 

What time is it? It's Howdy Doody Time!

HOORAY! HOWDY MOTHER FUCKIN' DOODY TIME!

Actually, I lied. It's time for yet another episode of Evangelion: Rehashed. Since I've already written more of these reviews than Sir Richard Goodness, I figure it's about time to start gunning for SSJ Heero's record. And what better way to begin pursuit of that goal than with the third published review. Here's to the third review milestone!

HOORAY! THIRD REVIEW MOTHER FUCKIN' MILE MOTHER FUCKIN' STONE!

I swear, though, this review series has got some serious Family Feud-esque curse on it... Although, I would totally love to be Richard Dawson...

Anyhoo, let's get this mother fucker revvin'!

Once again, the intro has given me false hopes to the excellence I should, at this point, not be expecting to unfold. However, this episode has proven to be one of my favorites thus far, so perhaps the show will get better.

Wishful thinking: The reason Rome fell.

We begin with a series of freeze-framed "snapshots" of Asuka, presumably so the already lazy animators would have to do even less animation while still allowing unknowable numbers of males to fawn over her luscious Germanness, unaware she is quite the sour Kraut.

In any case, we ARE treated to a few shots of a number of girls in bloomers, just sitting with their milky legs totally unobstructed by cloth, beckoning me with their supple, gentle skin...

Sorry, forgot where I was going with that. Anyway the next series of shots is in the girls' locker room.

Uh... Excuse me for a few minutes, something just came up...

 

Pussies, puppies, and euphemisms, oh my!


Right. Where was I? Oh yes, locker room. Asuka turns out to be a prude even when surrounded by only ladies, as she does not disrobe, instead merely standing around with that smug look on her face.

Fortunately for the writers, this debunks my theory of Asuka being a lesbian. Unfortunately for fanfic writers, it may mean that she's an asexual. Not as if that would stop any of them.

The uncomfortably long sequence finally ends with Asuka opening her locker to a barrage of love letters, which she promptly steps on, simultaneously crushing the hearts of every male in the school. Why? Because she is THAT BADASS!

While Shinj is just walking around looking totally oblivious as always, Asuka comes up behind him and shouts some totally adorable Engrish and German-u. Shinji tries to reply back in German, but fails like a monkey with Down syndrome trying to perform open-heart surgery on a four-year-old with a fire axe.

Hmm... I think I'm going to take another break... Something ELSE just came up...

Okay, back. Anyway, Captainess Obvious points out that Shinji looks gloomy even in the morning, and notes that he should feel happier just to be graced by her presence. Somehow, I don't think that's going to work... The real reason Asuka is bugging Shinji, it turns out, is to meet Rei, who is reading by herself on a bench. Also, for whatever reason, there's an escalator in the middle of the fucking street.
 

Escalators! I've seen these before!


Do the Japanese have something violently against stairs? I mean, for Christ's sake, how the fuck do they live to be 130 if they never use their legs for anything?

As Asuka hovers over her shoulder, Rei casually moves over on the bench to avoid the shadow of her large and largely empty head. After finally getting Rei's attention, Asuka introduces herself (and Rei, for some weird reason), and tries to befriend her. She is shot down hard, and Asuka calls Rei strange. Shinji, that moron with the camera and Honda Punchy-kun watch Asuka's failure from above, and Punchy-kun comments that they do only pick the eccentric ones to pilot the Eva units.
 

Damn, someone in this show actually has some common sense.


What an unanticipated turn of events: The writers finally admit their own faults to the audience.

Elsewhere, Ritsuko is writing her report on the last Angel when Kaji jumps her from behind and begins to rape flirt with her. Ritsuko responds vaguely flirtatiously, but notes that Misato is watching them with her face pressed up against the glass, snorting like a bull in heat. A female bull, whatever those are called. Let's call them "bullesses". [You're a fucking idiot, dude. - Alex]

Misato comes in to ask Kaji why he's still around, and he informs her that he has been transferred to Nerv headquarters, meaning he'll be around lots more. Just as Kaji asks her out, however, another Angel is sighted somewhere off in the country side. Whew. Close call there, eh Misato.

Because the intercept system in Tokyo-3 was heavily damaged in the battle with the flying dreidel Angel, Shinji and Asuka are moved out to take the Angel out before it reaches the city limits.

Asuka quickly asserts herself, and slices the Angel in half, declaring victory. However, instead of exploding or twitching then falling over — as one would expect of a defeated enemy in an anime — it merely splits into two equal parts.
 

EPIC FAIL!


At the debriefing, we are treated to yet another series of snapshots, this time of both Eva units sticking comically out of the ground feet first in defeat. Asuka and Shinji argue over whose fault the defeat was like a married couple from the south.

In an attempt to destroy the Angel without the Evas, Nerv unceremoniously drops a nuke on it. Actually, it's not really a nuclear bomb, but an "Nē mine", which is basically like a regular nuke except it sounds futuristicy. Amidst the chaos, a member of the Nerv council responds disjointedly by simply stating that they'll have to re-draw the map. Never mind the millions of people who probably died, and the irreversible damage to the region's ecosystem. But hell, I guess the Japanese are probably used to getting nuked by now.

While the nuke did slow the Angel down, it somehow failed to destroy it, meaning it's only a matter of time before the Angel strikes again — six days, to be precise. Kaji, however, has formed a plan to take it out once and for all using data collected via Deus Ex Machina. When he reveals that the plot involves Shinji and Asuka cooperating, both of them state in perfect unison that they could never cooperate with each other. It's adorable.

Elsewhere, Misato is behind her desk with hundreds of complaint letters, and Ritsuko comes by to cheer her up by letting her know that if the Sub-Commander gets humiliated again she'll be transferred.

Thanks, Ritsuko!

She also delivers some weird disk-type thing that is supposed to save Misato's ass. It's not explained what it is, but Misato nearly pisses her pants and excitedly thanks Ritsuko. However, the disk is not from Ritsuko, it's from Kaji. This confuses Misato, who proceeds to look at the disk lovingly and fondle it inappropriately.

Cut to Misato and Shinji's home, where Shinji is surprised by a huge number of boxes in his room. He cries out in poorly-acted surprise, and Asuka yells at him off screen that it's her stuff. The two of them question each other on their presence in Misato's apartment before she comes around and drops a bomb on them:

They are to live together, in the same house, for six days. WITHOUT ELECTRICITY OR ALCOHOL, AND COMPETE WITH EACH OTHER TO SEE WHO CAN STAY LONG ENOUGH TO WIN THE GRAND PRIZE OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Actually, I lied about that part.

But OMFG! WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS! What will happen next time!? Well, you'll just have to wait to find out. So don't touch that dial or I'll touch your little sister.

Recap by Styles Rockman.