Episode 11: "The
Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still"
Welcome back, Styles Motherfuckin' Rockman fans! Last time,
Nerv headquarters suffered a massive power failure when an
intern tried to microwave some nachos while a vacuum cleaner
was plugged into the same outlet. Then panic ensued when an
Angel began very slowly approaching. That's about it. Just
in case you thought that shit couldn't get any more boring,
I'm going to recap this half of the episode with the help of
HAHA SUCKERS! WHAT NOW?!
Anyway, what awaits us is a whole lotta pain, but being the
masochist that I am, I've got clips attached to my nipples.
Let's get this mother fucker revvin'!
We finally get the title card approximately halfway through
the episode, revealing that this rip-roarin' rollercoaster
ride is called The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still. Hm, that sounds
On a completely unrelated note, I'm suddenly grateful for
the fact that there are no Keanu Reeveses in this episode.
The Angel nears closer and closer to Tokyo-3, and Ritsuko
and the Sub-Commander take this opportunity to indulge in a
little exposition while Commander Ikari makes himself busy
spouting more cryptic shit.
Our pilots continue to work their way through the base, now
having to resort to crawling through a ventilation shaft.
Of course! The
person who cut the power was Dan Brown!
Finally they come up to a door, and Asuka promptly opens it
by kicking it the fuck open like a member of the LAPD on a
drug bust. Surely this will lead to SOMEONE who can show
them around, right?
BUT THEN SUDDENLY! Oh no, it's a giant potato beetle come to
do battle with Godzilla! Or maybe that's supposed to be the
Angel. In any case, Asuka messes herself and shuts the door
again fast enough to make Bugs Bunny applaud. Man, talk
"Just like I
Finally, word gets through to Commander Ikari that an Angel
is on the way, and he decides to go start Eva manually, even
though there are no pilots. As the crew are manually
extracting the insertion plugs, the Three Fucknuts come up
to a dead end, and are once again forced into a ventilation
By total coincidence (deus vent machina?) they fall through
the shaft EXACTLY where the Evas are being set up. And after
seventeen minutes of BULLSHIT, we finally get some action.
You can tell, because the action music has started. Never
mind that it takes an additional thirty seconds to take off
the bindings, the action music started. That means there's
HA HA! FOOLED YOU! MORE VENTILATION SHAFT CRAWLING.
Now out of the shafts, the three Eva units are
ninja-grabbing a silo. It is to be noted that this silo is
completely empty, so I'm going to go ahead and assume it's
used to store all the original ideas in this show.
Suddenly, the Eva units are being attacked by some strange,
highly acidic substance dripping from above. What could it
Hey man, I know this show is terrible, but that's no reason
to cry about it. I mean, if you do, that means they win. NOW
GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER.
Running on limited battery power and episode time, Asuka
comes up with a plan: Someone will get hit by the acid while
the other person shoots it.
And who is man enough to take position as defense in this
super-tense, life or death situation?
"I'd hit it!"
to go alone! Take this!"
time we were in the volcano? Man, that was great..."
You mean, when you fucked up and almost died in a volcano?
Yeah, now I'm filled to overflowing with confidence in your abilities.
What comes next is the most ridiculous, stupid, and utterly
disappointing battle in the entire show up to date. I'm not
even going to commentate on it, I'm just going to take a
screenshot every five seconds and put 'em into a gif.
Seriously, because I can't make this shit funny, it's just
Heart of the
Well, that was fucking riveting, now wasn't it? That was
about as exciting as watching my alcoholic uncle trying to
get out of bed on a Sunday morning. I have no excuses for
this recap not being funny, because this was the most boring
fucking episode ever. I mean, what the fuck were they
thinking? It took twenty goddamned minutes to FINALLY get to
the action, and it was over in a minute and thirty seconds?
God. Well, at least it can't get any worse than this.
Recap by Styles Rockman.