Episode 11: "The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still"

Part II

 

Welcome back, Styles Motherfuckin' Rockman fans! Last time, Nerv headquarters suffered a massive power failure when an intern tried to microwave some nachos while a vacuum cleaner was plugged into the same outlet. Then panic ensued when an Angel began very slowly approaching. That's about it. Just in case you thought that shit couldn't get any more boring, I'm going to recap this half of the episode with the help of MORE IMAGES!

HAHA SUCKERS! WHAT NOW?!

Anyway, what awaits us is a whole lotta pain, but being the masochist that I am, I've got clips attached to my nipples.

Let's get this mother fucker revvin'!

We finally get the title card approximately halfway through the episode, revealing that this rip-roarin' rollercoaster ride is called The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still. Hm, that sounds oddly familiar.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm suddenly grateful for the fact that there are no Keanu Reeveses in this episode.

The Angel nears closer and closer to Tokyo-3, and Ritsuko and the Sub-Commander take this opportunity to indulge in a little exposition while Commander Ikari makes himself busy spouting more cryptic shit.

Our pilots continue to work their way through the base, now having to resort to crawling through a ventilation shaft.

 

Of course! The person who cut the power was Dan Brown!


Finally they come up to a door, and Asuka promptly opens it by kicking it the fuck open like a member of the LAPD on a drug bust. Surely this will lead to SOMEONE who can show them around, right?

BUT THEN SUDDENLY! Oh no, it's a giant potato beetle come to do battle with Godzilla! Or maybe that's supposed to be the Angel. In any case, Asuka messes herself and shuts the door again fast enough to make Bugs Bunny applaud. Man, talk about humiliating.

 

"Just like I planned!"


:I

Finally, word gets through to Commander Ikari that an Angel is on the way, and he decides to go start Eva manually, even though there are no pilots. As the crew are manually extracting the insertion plugs, the Three Fucknuts come up to a dead end, and are once again forced into a ventilation shaft.

By total coincidence (deus vent machina?) they fall through the shaft EXACTLY where the Evas are being set up. And after seventeen minutes of BULLSHIT, we finally get some action. You can tell, because the action music has started. Never mind that it takes an additional thirty seconds to take off the bindings, the action music started. That means there's ACTION!

HA HA! FOOLED YOU! MORE VENTILATION SHAFT CRAWLING.

 

Leap into action!


Now out of the shafts, the three Eva units are ninja-grabbing a silo. It is to be noted that this silo is completely empty, so I'm going to go ahead and assume it's used to store all the original ideas in this show.

Suddenly, the Eva units are being attacked by some strange, highly acidic substance dripping from above. What could it be?

 

"No one understands me!"


Hey man, I know this show is terrible, but that's no reason to cry about it. I mean, if you do, that means they win. NOW GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER.

Running on limited battery power and episode time, Asuka comes up with a plan: Someone will get hit by the acid while the other person shoots it.

BRILLIANT!

And who is man enough to take position as defense in this super-tense, life or death situation?

 

"I'd hit it!"


...Really?

 

"It's dangerous to go alone! Take this!"


Clearly.

 

"Remember that time we were in the volcano? Man, that was great..."


You mean, when you fucked up and almost died in a volcano? Yeah, now I'm filled to overflowing with confidence in your abilities.

What comes next is the most ridiculous, stupid, and utterly disappointing battle in the entire show up to date. I'm not even going to commentate on it, I'm just going to take a screenshot every five seconds and put 'em into a gif. Seriously, because I can't make this shit funny, it's just embarrassing.

 

Heart of the tiger!


Well, that was fucking riveting, now wasn't it? That was about as exciting as watching my alcoholic uncle trying to get out of bed on a Sunday morning. I have no excuses for this recap not being funny, because this was the most boring fucking episode ever. I mean, what the fuck were they thinking? It took twenty goddamned minutes to FINALLY get to the action, and it was over in a minute and thirty seconds? God. Well, at least it can't get any worse than this.

 

Emergency! Bad anime ahead!


OH SHIó

Recap by Styles Rockman.