As if his name wasn't already
on enough pages of this site as it is, Cody Baier can now add
fanfiction mockeries to his extensive list of contributions to
Project AFTER. For his first featured Guest Special, I'm
presenting his entry in the 2006 "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic
Mockery Contest (an event where I ingeniously conned several
forum members into writing content for the site for free in
hopes of winning crappy prizes).
For his target in the contest, Mr. Baier selected a Silent
Hill 2 fanfiction called "Angles Fall", which I can safely
say is one the most downright deplorable stories on this
website. The author--an escaped mental patient who calls himself
"Poof Chicken"--obviously delights in torturing anyone foolish
enough to read his work, beginning his story with a
nightmare-inducing sex scene involving (in)famous Silent
Hill monsters Pyramid Head and the Fukuro Lady (referred to
as "The Queen" in this story for some reason I suspect even God
is unsure of). After that, the plot gets mercifully tamer as it
focuses on James Sunderland and retells the most exciting
sequence from Silent Hill 2, when James solves a clock
puzzle. Unfortunately, as if to express his disdain for all
things that make sense, Poof Chicken also throws an original
character into the mix... As a result, James is joined on his
apartment-touring quest by a guardian angel named Angel. Try not
to think about that.
The antidote to this fatally bad fanfic comes it the form of
Cody Baier's riotous review, which won him 2nd place in the "So
Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest, and the respect of
Silent Hill fans everywhere. Despite having no experience
with the games himself, Cody doesn't hesitate for a moment
before charging in and deftly dismantling this load of literary
lunacy piece by piece. It's still entirely possible that reading
this fanfic will lead to your unimaginably violent death, but
hey, at least you'll get to die laughing. And really, in a world
where someone who wants other people to call him "Poof
Chicken" can write a tale based on a game in which a man
confronts living visions of his own most twisted nightmares and
somehow manages to make his story more disconcerting than the
source material, death shouldn't even sound all that bad. - Alex
Guest Special: "Angels Fall"
(A 'Silent Hill 2' fanfiction by
Since Halloween is all about horror, I figured what
better way to horrify you than with a Silent Hill fanfic
that revolves around PYRAMID HEAD SEX! I don't think I need
to tell you that this is a dirty one, folks. All the
original stomach-turning insanity is in
red, with my comments in
GRRRRR! Why is it when I submit a chapter, I come back later
to find errors in the story that I haven't done?! D=
God's trying to send you a subtle message. See if you get
'The Queen' is the armless demon in
the notsoknownabout video 'Fukuro'.
To warn everyone, this will be a torture/sex story. Not lovey
dovey Pyramid Head wants to protect his girl story. O.o
They have those? 'Cause if they do, I am SO there! I'm all about
that Pyramid Hero sheet!
The character I made in this story,
'Angel' as I call her, I would like to give her another name but
who knows what they name eachother in Heaven >.> So I named her
Angel, and she's an Angel so BLARGH.
I woulda thought that, y'know, religions would've had
some good references as to what angels name each other. 'Cause
an angel named Angel seems pretty stupid. Although, that does
explain what was up with my friend's mom, when she named him
I will try to not make Angel a Mary Sue
or whatever you guys call it, but I'm not very experienced in
writing so it may suckage.
Oh, no, I'm sure it will.
No sex in this chapter unless you count
the first scene sex.
If you don't count that one sex scene, there's no sex
I will update my other stories soon.
"Bring them here, bring them to me" The Queen squirmed
uncontrollably in her place, her head lolling, her legs opening
like a baby bird's mouth, hungry for food.
The story's just started, and we've already been hit with one of
the most ridiculous similes ever written...
Pyramid Head approached The Queen
slowly, a squealing Mannequin kicking vigorously in his clenched
Mannequin IV: GOOD LORD HE'S GONNA KILL ME!
He lifted the Mannequin and grabbed its
other kicking leg, yanking it open none too gently. The
Mannequin shrieked in terror, fighting against her captor. She
didn't want to die. Pyramid Head grunted and carefully set the
Mannequin against The Queen. The Queen moaned and arched her
So, wait, what's going on here?! I'm confused... I thought there
was no sex in this story...
"Do it!" she demanded impatiently.
Pyramid Head pierced the Mannequin like a powerful train,
causing the creature to jerk in pain and shriek louder.
He adjusted his feet to give himself better leverage, he looked
up and eyed the Queen's, licking unseen lips.
They have mouths?! And tongues?! And why is Pyramid Head
violating a store mannequin at the behest of what is either a
female ruler, or a gay guy? Am I missing something?! I mean, I
know I am, but you'd think this guy would've considered the
feelings of someone who's never played any of the Silent
Pyramid Head pumped his hips, growling
as he did so. The Queen moaned in bliss, feeling the dying flesh
in between her legs.
Forget black dick, the best dick is corpse dick!
FUCK THAT CADAVER, HONEY! MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO THAT THERE
PENIS BEFORE IT ROTS AND FALLS OFF!
The Mannequin thrashed and screamed,
which only turned The Queen more on.
The Red Pyramid hit the victim harder and faster, meaning to
please The Queen.
What is going on in this scene?! It's like reading
an Escher painting!
A sickening crack, a spurt of red. The
Mannequin shuddered as it began dieing.
The Queen relished this part of the sex. Pyramid Head grunted as
he pressed his hips harder into the bloody flesh.
Hey, check it out kids! It's a Silent Hill snuff film,
kinda-sorta! And someone's probably beating off to this story
Blood squirted everywhere, spraying all
over both the Queen and Pyramid Head. The Mannequin died in a
quivering sigh. Pyramid Head went limp and let the Mannequin
sink into a bloodied pile of blood.
Now remember, there is NO SEX in this story! Don't even THINK
that there is, with that stupid pile of stupid that you call
The Queen lolled her head in pleasure.
Pyramid Head approached slowly, running strong fingers along The
She moaned in bliss, more from the pleasure of her recent
activity than at Pyramid Head's attempts. Pyramid Head pressed
his groin gently against her, wanting her.
Yeah, I got why he's dry humping her. Unless you think it has
"Hey, Poof Chicken."
"Why're you rubbing your crotch on my leg?"
"Just sayin' hello, man!"
"Well quit humping me, I gotta--"
"YOU LET ME GREET YOU UNTIL I FINISH!"
Suddenly Pyramid Head staggered
backwards, nearly tripping. She had kicked his helmet with great
Pyramid Head backed away, almost shamefully.
Awwww, even Pyramid Heads can feel shame... Unlike Poof
"Fool, you think you have the right to
share flesh with me?" Her eyes burned hatred. "To press your
rotting cock within me?"
...I thought you just said she liked rotting dick...
Pyramid Head stood silently, taking her
ridicule. He clenched his fists, cracking his knuckles in the
One day he would have her.
There's always rape...
He was an attractive man.
The Pyramid Head?!
Lost and frustrated, he wandered the
desolate apartment complex. How he came to be in this place and
this situation he did not know. The only action he apprehended
was that he had to find his wife Mary. James shook his dirty
blond head disheartiningly. How could he really believe that the
letter he recently obtained was from his dead wife Mary? James
shuffled along the eery hallways. A few feet ahead of him glided
an Angel. His Angel. She turned her fair head to look back at
I'm confused again... So, now there's some guy, and an Angel
named Mary, who was dead, but really isn't, and she mailed him?!
"Poor soul..." she said with pity. No
matter how long he searched for his wife, he wasn't going to
find her. The Angel extended a delicate hand to stroke Jame's
blond bangs. James brushed an invisible itch away. Angel sighed,
it was difficult to be attached to a soul such as James' and not
have him see or understand her. It was a great responcibilty, to
hold the position of Guardian Angel, to protect a soul.
Yuu shud lern too spel.
Suddenly Angel stopped. Something
wasn't right. An evil aura burrowed its way into her very being.
She stared into the darkness, sensing great manevolence. James
suddenly came to a halt as well, his flashlight blazed
brilliantly on some sort of large, red, THING.
HOLYFUCKFECES! Whoo! Scared me, there!
Angel moved in between the monster and
James at once. She eyed it suspiciously. The red monster
"Whoa now, Ted! That's some dangerous lingering you're doing
Even though she was an angel, incapable
of worldly pain, she still felt the fear crawl into her heart.
The red figure continued to tower there, deadly still.
"Oh god, he was so friggin' still that he killed her! I
don't even know how that happened! Seriously!"
James backed off a bit, he also felt
the evil of whatever that thing was.
Angel tugged at James, giving him the feeling of retreat.
Finally James backed off. Whatever that thing was, it was behind
steel bars. It wouldn't be able to have the opportunity to
attack James even if it wanted.
Wait, where'd the bars come from? And if it was behind some
bars, why did the angel get all up in its THING grill?
Angel sighed, she couldn't understand
how or why they found their way into this Hell world. She had
never been to Hell, but somehow she knew Hell was what they were
Obviously she's never been to San Francisco! A-BA-ZING!
She watched James as he continued to
explore the apartments.
"Sorry to barge in, ma'am! Just exploring the apartments! Nice
ones, by the way!"
"Oh, pardon me, folks! Just exploring the apartments! Hey,
whatcha watchin'?! Oooo, I love that show! Pass the popcorn!"
"S'cuse me, sir, just exploring the apartments! Man, what IS
that smell in here, and why is that naked Filipino boy screaming
some word to me in his language?! What does it even me--liver?
Sure, I'd love some!"
Her heart heavied with sorrow. James
was searching for a non existant person.
This fanfic's proofreader?
Too many times had she wanted to
embrace James and have him know she was there. That she had
always protected him, even when he was a small child. She wanted
to smile and tell him it would be alright, that it was not time
to die, that she would keep him safe.
This story is insipid and lame. No joke there. Just gettin' that
Angel sat on an arm chair in the
corner, completely invisible to all. She watched James as he
tried to configure the grandfather clock puzzle.
"No, no, you're turning it the wrong--Nope, the other way. You
have to get the little hand to--No, you can't--Oh, for fuck's
sake, I'll do it!"
Why there was a puzzle inside a clock she did not know, nor did
she completely understand why James was trying to figure the
Oh m'gawd Chicken Poop done made funna da game AH-HUR! HE DONE
CLEVERED ME OUT!
Angel shook her head, her long,
straight, white hair drifting weightlessly around her dainty
Sounds like a shampoo commercial...
A satisfying click brought Angel back
to reality. James congratulated himself over his accomplishment.
"Oh James, you magnificent, clock-beating bastard! If it tells
time, you KNOW I'll kick it's friggin' ASS! I am ALL
about the grandfather clock puzzles! Unh!"
The grandfather clock slowly slid from
its place, ancient dust falling soundlessly to the floor. The
creaking noise filled the entire room then stopped. James drew
up his courage and slipped inside.
"Man... Sure is cramped in this grandfather clock... Why'd I
climb in here, anywa--AAAH! SPIDER!"
James assured himself. "Your one stop
closer to finding her." He ran his hands along the black walls,
making sure not to trip.
Who's one step? Mine?!
Angel got up and glided towards the
secret entrance, right after him. Immediately she felt immense
evil coming from the next room.
Angel stopped abruptly. How could she have been so stupid? Why
was she not able to feel it before?
Because she's stuck in an inept story written by a German
Shepard that learned to type in English with its paws?
Growing afraid Angel chased after
James. She entered the next room only to find James had already
darted into a closet.
James often played hide-and-seek in evil passageways.
Unfortunately, his uncontrollable giggling would always lead the
monsters, and anyone who was "it", right to him...
A high pitched squeal caught Angel's
attention. She stared in horror. That same red monster. She
could see him clearly this time. He had a muscular yet lean
body, sitting atop his firm shoulders and completely masking his
head was a giant, crimson, metallic helmet.
Angel covered her nose with her sleeve. It reeked. The red
monster grasped the legs of a squirming four legged mannequin.
Mannequin V: Raped By The Red Power Ranger
Angel wrinkled her nose in disgust.
What was this?! These mannequins moved, they had flesh, they
cried in pain, they bled. But how?
Through the power of
The Mannequin squealed and fought with
all her might to escape her tormentor.
The red monster pounded into her then broke her, he pushed
harder, killing her. Angel backed into a corner, completely
revolted. She knew she couldn't be seen, but she was ashamed to
admit, she was afraid.
Was that a sexual pounding? 'Cause if so, Chicken Little lied
The red monster shuffled slowly into
the room, dragging the half dead mannequin with him. He watched
the mutilated meat squeal one last time before it died. Angel
turned her head away, afraid and repulsed. She moved infront of
the closet that James was hidden in, doing anything in her power
to keep him hidden. The red monster moved forward then halted.
...GREEN LIGHT! RED LIGHT! ....GREEN LIGHT!
He stared right at Angel.
Angel stiffened. Was he really looking at her?
The red beast gestured towards her.
"My, my, my, what have we here? How is it that something so
pure, so innocent, found her way to Hell?"
Took the wrong friggin' turn at Albuquerque. That's what did in
Angel glared. So they WERE in Hell, but
She clenched her fists. This monstrosity was a demon.
Damn. Had it pegged as a children's entertainer...
"James is a tainted soul, he is a
sinner, an embodiment of evil, why is it that an angel is still
by his side?" The Red Pyramid asked in irritation.
I thought the Pyramid Heads didn't talk... Eh, I don't play the
games. A better question would be why he hasn't made sweet,
sweet love to that meat he's dragging around yet...
Angel drew herself up. "He is a guilt
riddened soul, and he has sinned, but it is not his time to go.
He can still be saved, and I will help him."
The Red Pyramid growled in annoyance. "Fool of a girl, do you
really think he can be saved? He will be punished, and I am the
one who will lay the punishment. A small bird such as yourself
can only dream of stopping me."
Awwwww nah he DIH-ENT! He just TOLD YOU, girl!
Angel took a step forward, a weapon
bathed in light appeared in her hands. A smiting hammer from
You can tell it's a smiting hammer, 'cause it's got "FOR SMITING
ONLY" engraved on the side.
"Honest Joe's Smiting Hammers! For the instrument of God, who
needs an instrument of God!"
Pyramid Head tilted his head back as if
to laugh. "And what do you plan to do with that? Have you
forgotten where you are? You are in Hell, you are powerless
here, and powerless against me. God cannot help you now."
"I have more than enough to kill you." Angel snarled. She got
into a defensive stance.
Oooooo, it is OW-UN now! Awwwww YAY-UH!
Pyramid Head growled. "If it is your
job to protect him, then why must he hide himself? It looks as
if you are not adequate, nor are you capable of defending the
sinner, he is enough demon as I am." Pyramid Head slowly
advanced towards Angel and the closet that concealed James.
So far, this confrontation has amounted to "you suck", "no, you
Angel clenched her fists, ready to
swing the weapon if he got too close. Suddenly the room was
echoing with the sound of gunshots.
This had startled Pyramid Head and even Angel. James had seen
the Red Pyramid advancing, and in terror he panicked and started
shooting the offender.
Finally, James comes out of the closet! HUR-HUR!
Angel watched Pyramid Head retreat. She
remained where she was. For the very first time in her
existence, she had felt useless and afraid. Who was he?
...Why'd he leave?! So a heavenly hammer of smiting doesn't
bother him, but a handgun that was laying around in a closet
After ten minutes James emerged from
the closet, shaken and bewildered.
...He was still in the closet?! Then how--aw, fuck it!
Angel's heart crushed at the site of
him. He seemed to have suffered worse than her. She leaned over
him and wrapped her arms around him as a mother would her child.
They had to find their way out of this place. It was not James'
time to go.
Hooray for random sentences! Hamsters are smaller than dogs! I
ate some potato chips today! The cheetah is the fastest land
animal! The weatherman said it would rain tomorrow!
Reviews are appreciated, constructive critism welcomed.
How do you feel about knives being driven into your throat? Fan?
Not a fan? 'Cause I'ma do it...
And there you are, folks! What a carnival ride of fun and
excitement that was. NOW DECLARE ME A WINNER AND GIMME THOSE
-Written by Cody Baier.