Shortly after I first gave members the option of posting their own fanfiction mockeries back on the old Project AFTER Forums, long-time PA supporter Dai Ou began a trend of mocking the works of an extremely prolific FanFiction.net junkie named 'A Happy Little Bumblebee'. This series of reviews, aptly titled "The Bumblebee Chronicles", saw contributions from more than half a dozen different writers (including yours truly), and kept new submissions coming in up until the hacking and subsequent closure of the old message boards.

One of the earliest entries in the series, "Frosted Treats" introduced us to Bumblebee's love of "fluff" fics incorporating her favorite gay fantasy couples. The virtual victims this time around are Vash and Wolfwood from
Trigun, who end up both coming out of the closet on the same day while baking a cake together (an act which you'd think would speak volumes about their sexual preferences by itself). Dai Ou does a excellent job of approaching this review with the same dry wit that made all of his additions to The Bumblebee Chronicles so popular, and never once falters in his perfectly paced commentary despite the story's increasingly ridiculous progression towards a conclusion that's every bit as nauseatingly sugary as you'd expect.

I know the word "classic" gets thrown around a lot these days, but I think this review has really earned the right to wear that description. Skillfully composed and mercifully devoid of any "pretty cake" references (although I can't help but wonder if Dai would have given into the obvious temptation had this review been written while that particular Meme of the Month was popular), "Frosted Treats" is a great example of how to take an utterly mind-numbing piece of writing and turn it into something that's commendable by even the most sophisticated humorists. - Alex

 

 

Guest Special: "Frosted Treats"
(A 'Trigun' fanfiction by A Happy Little Bumblebee)

Reviewed by: Dai Ou


Disclaimer: Reading this may or may not result in itchy feet. Which is annoying, because then you wouldn’t be able to scratch them without tickling yourself. Also, yaoi. Watch out for that.

My comments in WHITE, original story in RED.

 


 

This is my very first Trigun fic, so it may be a bit bad. It's my favorite coupling, Wolfwood and Vash, of course!

Well, at least she's giving fair warnings.

This is total fluff and may cause a tooth ache.

The new Paradontax toothpaste; fluff-resistant. Dentist approved. ''People are not aware enough of the dangers fluff can have on an unprotected mouth.'', says Jarian Brians, 27, Dentist.

But it's sweet, so read and review! Thanks so much!
 

* * *


Frosted Treats

by: A Happy Little Bumblebee
 

Disclaimer- I don't own anything, though to own Vash would rock!!! Sadly, my dream has yet to come true...

I really, really pity any future boyfriends you might probably won't have.

 

* * *


Vash was sitting quietly, staring about with Wolfwood sitting across from him. He was, to put it simply, bored.


Is there a more complicated way of putting it, then?

Oh, right. ''Vash was not especially overjoyed with the current lack of excitement in his life.''

 

There was absolutely nothing to do in this house besides a table, two chairs, and the kitchen.

Uhh... You want to ''do'' a table, two chairs, and the kitchen?

'A kitchen,' he thought. 'That could be fun...'

Oh God no. Can we just switch to the yaoi, please?!

"Hey Wolfwood!" he said, rather loudly.

"No need to yell, Needle noggan! I'm right here. What is it?"


''Remind me why I haven't shot you yet.''

"I'm bored. Wanna cook something with me?"

Wolfwood looked at the blonde questioningly.


''Have you taken your medicine this morning, Vash?''

"Can you cook?"

Vash shrugged. "Doesn't look too hard."


Famous last words.

Wolfwood thought a moment. He smiled.

"You could use a hand, and I'm hungry. Let's go."


Wolfwood must be really masochistic.

Vash grinned. He'd never cooked before, this should be fun. Especially since his Wolfy was here.

'Technically,' he added, 'he's not mine. Yet, anyway...'


Not until all the paperwork has gone through.

In case you hadn't noticed, even though Vash has made it blatantly obvious, Vash fancies the blue-haired church man. He's going to love their little cooking adventure.

And that basically sums up the entire story, right there. You might as well stop reading right here. I'd honestly recommend it, except it would mean missing out on the many hilariously witty remarks I make throughout.

"So..." Wolfwood said, breaking Vash from his daydreams, "what should we mske?"

Vash looked thoughtful a moment, then lit up.


Wolfwood, put that flame-thrower down.

"CAKE!!!" he exclaimed happily. "We should have cake!"

Wolfwood nodded. "Sure, haven't had cake in ages. Shame, really. I adore cake."

"Then we'll make the est durn cake you've ever had!!!" he yelled.


Yee-haw! Time ta git-r-done, I tell ya what!

"Alright, then. What flavor cake should it be?"

"CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE!!!!"


This is grating my ears, and I can't even hear it.

Wolfwood grinned. He was kind of cute when he acted so childish...

Sinful thoughts! I demand mortification of the flesh!

...Wait, what the hell does that even mean?

"Chocolate it is then!"

"YAY!"

"Glad to see you're so excited! Could you get the milk and eggs out?"


Vash frowned. ''Milk? Eggs? Just what kind of cake are you thinking of-- Oh, right.''

Vash nodded and hopped over to the refridgerator.

Ah, he's hopping. Thank goodness, I almost forgot this was a Bumblebee fic for a word or two.

He got out the eggs and milk and hurried to the counter where Wolfwood stood. (Hehe, that rhymed...)

Hehe, I slipped cyanide into your drink.

"Thank you, Vash. Let's see... sugar and flour and milk.. mix 'em together.."

Aha! So that's how it's done! This fic gives making cake a whole new perspective.

"Ew, that looks gross..." Vash said, pointing at the rather nasty looking substance in the bowl and pulling a face.

Well that's what I say about gay sex, so take that, fruit.

Wolfwood glared at the bonde from the corner of his eye.

''The name's Bonde. Vash Bonde.''

I can't believe I just made that joke.

"It'll look better once I put the chocolate in.

''Yeah, cuz then the goo would be all brown... and... Okay, so it won't look that much better.''

You know, it's weird how this stuff is all here... cool, huh?"

Little did Vash and Wolfwood know, they had accidentally stumbled into the house of the evil witch, and forgot to leave a trail of bread crumbs...

Vash nodded, munching on a small bit of chocolate.

"Hey, we need that!" Wolfwood yelled, grabbing Vash's hand.


That small bit of chocolate is crucial to this cake's success.

The chocolate fell to the countertop, but Wolfwood held on. His hand felt nice... and strong, too. Vash looked at Wolfwood, who continued to stare at his and Vash's hands.

"Uh, you can let go, now..."


If you want to live, that is.

This snapped Wolfwood out of his trance.

"Sorry!" he said, turning away from Vash. He could NOT let him see the bright blush that had taken residence on his face. He didn't need to be more embarrassed.

Unfortunately for Wolfwood, Vash caught sight of the blush.


Now he would have to die a horrible, painful death.

Not too big a deal.

'He's so cute when he blushes..' was all that he thought of.

"Ahem," Wolfwood said, blush gone. "I'll add the the chocolate.. stir and...voila! The batter is done!"


I never knew baking cake was this easy! I've got to try this, someday.

Vash grinned. He got to eat cake... and with Wolfwood across from him!

I wouldn't really count on either of those, if this is really is his first time baking.

"Here," Vash said, taking the batter and pouring it into a pan. He pulled on oven mitts (with little Kuroneko-sama prints on them)

Ah, so that's what's on the oven mitts! Thank God that Bumblebee felt the need to tell us this, otherwise I can only imagine what raging tempest of queries might have been storming through my mind after reading this story.

and put the cake in the oven.

"How long should it cook for?"

"I dunno. Just leave it there for awhile.


''I'm sure it'll make itself into cake or something.''

We're not done yet."

Vash cocked his head to the side. What else was there?


''Maybe we should turn the oven ON first.''

"Frosting, Vash." Wolfwood answered, as if he had read Vash's mind.

"Chocolate frosting?" Vash asked, batting his eyes at Wolfwood. Wolfwood's face burned with embarrassement and, well, that rather flustered the guy.


Wolfwood kicked over a chair and stormed out, shouting "I can't take this bullshit anymore!"

'Absolutely sweet,' he thought. 'I love his eyes...'

Wolfwood was able to nod.


Good for you, Wolfwood.

"Yes, if you want."

"What ingredients do you need?" asked Vash.

"I have everything here, just hold on a moment..."

Wolfwood put full concentration onto the frosting. He wanted it perfect for Vash.

Vash watched him all the while.


I'm getting the impression that Miss Bumblebee doesn't have a clue how to make cake.

'Man, that guy is really something... he doesn't know how beautiful he is...'

"Done!" Wolfwood said triumphantly.

Vash grinned. "Yay! Can I have some?"

Wolfwood nodded. He watchd eagerly as Vash tasted it.


That last sentence gave me some very disturbing mental images...

As soon as it hit Vash's tongue, his entire face lit up.

God dammit, Wolfwood! I told you to put that thing the hell down!

Wolfwood looked at him, beaming.

'Vash loves it...' he thought happily.


That or he's feeling seriously constipated.

"Wolfwood, this is delicious!" Vash called. "You have to have some of this frosting!"

Wolfwood nodded and reached for the spoon in Vash's hand.

"Wait. Here." Vash took his thumb and dipped it into the frosting bowl. He took it out and carefully smeared it on a surprised priest's upper lip.


Note how Miss Bumblebee subtly mentions ''a surprised priest'', signifying there are more than one. There must be a deeper, hidden meaning here.

Vash removed his thumb and leaned in. Wolfwood's breath was caught in his chest. Was Vash about to... but he needn't finish. Vash softly placed his lips on the blue-haired man's.

'It's exactly as I though it would be... God, he tastes good...' Vash thought.


Vash likes his men like he likes his cake: Covered in frosting and not pushing him away screaming "RAPE!"

'This is pure ecstacy,' was all Wolfwood could think. That kiss had rendered him speechless.

Sadly, Vash drew away, too soon for Wolfwood's liking. Vash turned away, blushing.

"I-I'm sorry... I couldn't help it... I-"

Vash was, however, silenced by another kiss, this time much more deep. You could taste the passion between them and they sat there and time seemed to have frozen. It was pure bliss.


These sentences sadly place the mental image of Miss Bumblebee in my head, drooling vividly while typing this. With one hand.

This time, Wolfwood pulled away. "You NEVER have to be sorry for something like that."

Vahs grinned. This was all he'd ever wanted.


That and a Malibu Barbie.

"You really like me, too, eh? Even thought you're a church man?"

I thought they only liked little boys....

Great, now I'm going to get letters.

Wolfwood shrugged. "I'm a man of God, but I can still be in love."

Then I hope you remember what the Bible said about homosexuals you hypocrite bastard!

His eyes widened a moment. That last bit had just slipped out...

"You love me..." Vash whispered, green eyes wide as well.

"Yeah... I do."


''Now gimme that fifty bucks you owe me.''

Vash looked at him, tears in his eyes.

"I'm so happy!" He lunged at Wolfwood, wrapping his arms round the man's waist.

"I love you, too! So much I wanted to burst!"


Whoa, hey, let's not move there.

"No need to burst, needle noggan!"

"I'll just kiss ya instead!" he yelled, kissing the priest hard on the lips. The kiss lingered, both men grinning like mad.


That must have been some wicked frosting.

And neither noticed the scent of burning cake.


* * *
 

Well, did ya like it? It's kinda sweet, ne?

I was wondering where the randomly-placed Japanese words had gone. It just didn't feel right without them.

But don't listen to my mindless ramble,

Too late.

tell me what you thought! Review my little fluff story, please? Thank you so much! I really do appreciate any reviews I get!

You read it right here, folks. I can't be held legally responsible for any negative reaction to this review coming from Bumblebee. I'm free and clear, woohoo!


 

And on that deliciously lawsuit-resistant note, we end this fanfiction mockery!

Now for a very, very hot shower.

 

-Written by Dai Ou.