Shortly after I first gave members the option of posting their own fanfiction mockeries back on the old Project AFTER Forums, long-time PA supporter Dai Ou began a trend of mocking the works of an extremely prolific FanFiction.net junkie named 'A Happy Little Bumblebee'. This series of reviews, aptly titled "The Bumblebee Chronicles", saw contributions from more than half a dozen different writers (including yours truly), and kept new submissions coming in up until the hacking and subsequent closure of the old message boards.

The saga of Bumblebee's bumbling attempts at writing comes full circle with Valentine's Day Surprise. Dai Ou saw his ambitious endeavor through until the end as he posted what would be the final mockery of Bumblebee's works before she deleted her FanFiction.net profile. At that time, the treasure trove of awful yaoi slash she'd amassed disappeared from the internet completely. Strange as it may sound, part of me was honestly sad to see her go. Those who had delighted in rubbing her face in the community's cruel exhibitions of her stories realized then that they had inadvertently slaughtered the goose that laid the golden eggs. It was a harsh lesson that forever changed Project AFTER's official policies regarding how to interact with fanfiction authors.

The material that follows is bittersweet, and not just because Bumblebee likes to go insanely overboard heaping on the adawableness when describing her bishified Harry Potter characters pining for each other's asses. Valentine's Day Surprise is among the precious handful of installments in The Bumblebee Chronicles to survive the disaster that ravaged the old PA Forums. Reformatting it for the site all these years later felt a little like wiping the ash off of a photograph that managed to escape destruction when your old house burned down. I normally don't accept reviews of incomplete works as Guest Specials, but I'm making an exception just this once. Between the work's historical significance and the fact that Dai's commentary is so damned funny, I can't bring myself to omit this jewel from the display case on account of a technicality. For those of you who have never read this review before now, get ready to fall in love. - Alex

 

 

Guest Special: "Valentine's Day Surprise"
(A 'Harry Potter' fanfiction by A Happy Little Bumblebee)

Reviewed by: Dai Ou


Let's take a look at the stat sheet, shall we?

Fanfic: Valentine's Day Surprise
Fandom: Harry Potter
Author: A Happy Little Bumblebee (From now on referred to in the mockery as "callous hellwhore"... Or just Bumblebee)
Reviewed By: Dai Ou
Additional Help Provided By: Unimaginably large quantities of alcoholic substances. Like, huge.
Tastes Great: Cheddar cheese.
Square Root of 389: 19.72308292
Format: Original story in RED, comments in WHITE, underpants in PINK (but don't tell anybody).

 


 

This is my first-ever Harry Potter fic! Draco's sad because he likes Harry, but can't say anything for fear of ridicule and rejection.

Sounds eerily autobiographical.

But On Valentine's Day, he has to do something! So, he works out a plan, hence the name of the prologue, if you'll look just there. *points* There you go. Anyhoo, this will be Harry/Draco slash, enjoy!

No.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all! HAHAHAHAHA!

I always saw an eerie likeness between Bumblebee and a hobo shot up on crystal meth. This doesn't help.
 

Valentine's Day Surprise

by: A Happy Little Bumblebee
 

* * *


Prologue: A Valentine's Plan


Draco Malfoy sat silently under the jeweled night sky, moonlight reflecting off his platinum blonde hair.


I think Miss Nitpicker would have a thing or two to say about that sentence.

The cold winter air bit at his skin, but he paid it no mind. It was almost that time of year again.

Valentine's Day.

Yeah, yeah, everyone ~loves~ this day of emotion, and happiness.

However, this is only for those who have someone. And our Draco... doesn't.


I get the feeling Miss Bumblebee is just a wee bit bitter about the holiday herself.

...Who am I kidding, this is the gal who wrote Frosted Treats. She must be swatting away the hunky admirers like flies.

'But I have someone...' his mind replied sharply. 'He just doesn't know that he's stolen my heart...'

The boy sighed loudly, echoing in the air. His head fell into his hands, quite frustrated.

'And I can't have him!'

Yes, our young Slytherin is in love... with Harry Potter.


OH NO HOW COULD I HAVE SEEN THIS COMING-- Oh yeah, you said so about ten times before the story even started.

"Stupid Potter," he whispered with his old Malfoy bitterness.

Malfoys pass into cranky seniority by the age of 12.

"it's all his fault for causing me such pain on Valentine's Day. Why does he have to be... so utterly perfect?"

He rolled his grey-blue eyes. "There I go again. I try to rant and again.. I can't speak ill of the Golden Boy."


But continuous verbal abuse and attempted murders are okay, apparently.

As long as you don't mean it.

He cut himself off and slapped his forehead.

"Back to the matter at hand!" he said loudly. "What should I do about Potter? I can't give him anything... unless..." He smirked, realizing that he now had a plan.

"He doesn't have to know I sent it. It will be anonymous.. he won't ever know. Sure, i won't be totally satisfied, but good enough for the time being."


"At least until I can get my hands on some roofies..."

The blonde nodded. "Here we are, then!"

He got a dreamy look on his face, eyes sparkling. "He'll finally know... there is someone who loves him."
 

* * *


Phew! Well, that wasn't so bad, really. Quite short, and--

Well, yes, this was uber-short, but it's just the prologue, the rest will be longer.



So review and tell me what you thought. I have the next part done, but I won't upload it until i have enough reviews to satisfy me.

Man, I preferred it back when fanfiction authors were still battery-powered. I think I might be better off just getting myself a cat. Half the hassle and less shitting on the carpet.

So hurry and type! Thanks to you all! *hugs*

I'm typing a comment right now, but you don't want to be thanking me for it.

Okay, this is the Official Story.

Not like that unofficial, crappy quality, bootlegged one. Remember kids, it's not an authentic Bumblebee fic unless it carries the Bumblebee Seal of Approval!



Fictionalizing pubescent girls' awkward wet dreams since 2004.

The other was the prologue, if anyone missed that.

Draco was angsting over Valentine's Day and planned to send Harry some anthrax in the mail. There, now everybody's up to speed.

So, this will go on to talk about what Draco does today.

Exciting.

I'd be a bit vaguer with your chapter descriptions, though. I can almost imagine someone reading them being fooled into thinking you're actually planning these things out more than two sentences in advance.

Hm.

No, wait...

It's gone.

And we learn something about Blaise no one else knows, except for other authors who srite stories where he has the same crush. Oh, and I've decided that Blaise is a guy, though it's unofficial.

Sorry, I'm rambling.


No problem, I'm just skimming over this anyway.

But here it is READ READ READ!

OKAY OKAY!! Damn, sorry!
 

* * *

 

Draco paced back and forth round the Slytherin Common Room, racking every last bit of his brain for an idea of what to get his beloved for Valentine's Day.

"Now, then," he whispered urgently to himself. "I could give him flowers.. but that's so cliche... no chocolate... nothing Slytheriny...


What? But rotting dead snakes and festering, amputated human appendages have just come back into style!

Maybe..." his perfectly arched eyesbrows raised. "Of course... that's brilliant. He'll love it, I know!"

He raced up the stairs to the boys' dormitories and jumped onto his bed.


I get the feeling that bed won't be the only thing being jumped on in this story.

Huh? Huh?

Draco shut the drapes quickly and cast a silencing charm.

"And now," he said triumphantly, "let's begin, then!"

~Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor's Tower~

Our raven-haired lad was sleeping soundly, completely oblivious to what might change his life forever. But, thank Merlin, it has NOTHING to do with Voldemort.


Well, I dunno. A fluffy slashfic featuring Voldemort would've given this story some novelty value, at the very least.

~Back to our dear Dray~

Not to be confused with rapper Dr. Dre.

He held out his gift, examining his work.

"Pretty good," he said happily, "It'll be wonderful. Too bad, he'll not have a clue as to who it's from..." The blonde sighed sadly. But, he knew it had to be this way. Harry could never know. It'd ruin everything.. for both of them.

"At least he'll know someone cares..." he whispered, tears gathering in his stormy eyes.


Man, I wasn't kidding. Miss Nitpicker would have a damn field day with this story.

"That's good enough..."

Draco fell on his back, rolled over, and buried his face into his silver pillow, muffling the boy's sobs.


Uh, what boy? Is there someone else in there, Draco?

This was going to be harder than he thought..

After fifteen minutes of tears, the pureblood had begun to calm down.


Hey kids, it's time to play "How many more minute aspects of Draco's character can Miss Bumblebee adjectivize before entering the realm of complete redundancy?"

I say minus two.

'Besides... almost time for class. Best hurry.'

He quickly got out of bed, leaving the silencing charm. He showered and dressed, picking out his lucky gold and crimson boxers that he made himself ( *_*)


I....

....

and gelled his hair. After round twenty mibnutes, he was set (and absolutely smashing).

(And I totally want to have sex with him twenty times a day and snuggle up to him and say I love him and ... and... oh God I'm so lonely)

Draco walked down to the Common Room, where Crabbe and Goyle were attempting a game of Wizard's Chess, but doing miserably on it. As soon as the blonde came into view, they were at his side.

"Hello Crabbe, Goyle," he said carelessly. "Breakfast, then?"

Both ape-like boys nodded eagerly and followed him to the Great Hall.


Crabbe and Goyle, meanwhile, were left wondering why Malfoy was walking off with their two chimpanzee pets.

'Four years here,' he thought, slightly annoyed, 'and these two stll have no idea where anything is!'

Malfoy turned around.

"And it looks like they haven't shaved again, either, the bastards!"

He shrugged slightly as the trio entered the hall, walking to the Slytherin table. As he passed Gryffindor's, he chanced for a look at his Golden Boy, and grinned as harry laughed.

'That boy....' Draco's thoughts cooed, 'doesn't know how truly perfect he is...'

He sat down at the table, gaze finally leaving the other boy reluctantly. He began to absentmindedly place food on his plate.

Round five minutes passed,


The food on Draco's plate having mounted up to tower high above this head...

then...

"Oi, Draco!" a voice called. The blonde's head snapped up to the voice's source, and there was Blaise.

"Hello," he said.

"You okay, man?" Blaise asked worriedly. "You zoned out."

Draco shrugged. "Just thinking. No big deal."

The other boy smiled. "Good.


"Baby steps, Draco, baby steps. Now, here, can you show me which picture has a bicycle in it?"

'Bout what?"

"Valentine's Day."

Blaise's eyes widened.


That's the codeword! The terrorists have the bomb!!

"Really? Who's the lucky girl?"

Draco froze. He soon returned to normal. 'Hadn't meant to say that... think of something.. AH HA!'

"Secret."

"Oh," Blaise said, looking rather relieved, though Draco didn't know why.


Thank God, a love triangle! Phew, I was kind of worried I might be running out of reasons to keep those medication refills rolling on in.

"Alright, then. Best get going for class, you know."

Draco nodded and they both stood, followed by Crabbe and Goyle. Together they walked to their first lesson that day, Divination.


I could have told you that.

Huh? Huh?

~In the hall~

Draco laughed as Blaise finished up a joke.

"So then the crossdressing wizard says, 'That's not a duck, that's my wife'!"


Forget the rest of this awful story, I want to read the first part of that joke.

All four burst into laughter, though the apes weren't quite sure what was so funny.

Confused and irritated, they tore off their costumes and started hurling their feces across the hallway.

Without warning, Draco rammed into something hard and fell backward into Blaise's waiting arms.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Stupid ogre! Watch where you're go-" he stopped midway.


Realizing it really was, in fact, a stupid ogre.

On the ground before him lay the Boy Who Lived.

Right on the floor, which had been Recently Polished!

"I should say the same to you!" Harry shot back, standing and straightening his robes.

"It was your fault, too, Malfoy!" Ron barked.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm ~sorry~! I'll be MUCH more careful!"


Harry Potter and the Antagonist With Vaguely Insulting Sarcastic Comebacks

Neither boy said anything, but continued on their way, sending rather dirty looks at each other.

Someone open a window, the sexual tension is so heavy I'm getting lightheaded.

"Stupid oafs," Blaise hissed. "Speaking to you so badly..."

Draco shrugged. "Jealousy often corrupts one's brain and leaves them stupid. Don't blame them."


You know, Draco, I never really thought about it, but I guess that's true. Gee, this story offers a whole new perspective on the human psyche, doesn't it?

The other boy laughed as they neared the classroom's entrance latter. "I still do, either way."

As they climbed up, Draco's face softened. "Why am I like that? I never say the right things to him.... I'm the stupid one..." He and Blaise took a faraway table and sat down, drowzy from the fire's fumes in Professor Trelawny's room.


Professor Trelawny's narcotic fumes are brewed using a very special mixture of exotic mushrooms and marijuana. The lessons are usually spent eating Cheetos and giggling for no reason.

A few moments later, the rest of the Slytherins were present, save Millicent Bullstrode, who had eaten too much and had fallen ill.

Bad case of the munchies, huh.

"Welcome, children. Now take out your books and we will continue with the crystal ball lessons. Start and record everything you might see."

The entire class sighed as they turned to their crystal balls and stared into the fog.


Draco: Man, I'm tripping crystal balls!

Alright, enough with the drug jokes.

Draco yawned. "Well, all I see is nothing... maybe in Goyle's head."

Blaise nodded. "That's good, only mine will be for Crabbe's."


Cocaine! No... wait, sorry. I'm not even sure where that came from.

The blonde nodded. "Good idea." They recorded what they "saw" as they heard the professor talk of the death of an animal... a rodent or something, and one of the girls cry, " Millie, no!"

Wait, wasn't that the name of that one girl who's absent? That's not a very nice way of speaking about your students, Professor Trelawny.

"Stupid to believe her, that one," Draco said, leaning back into his squishy chair and closing his eyes. "Rubbish..."

I like how Bumblebee goes the extra mile to insert British-sounding slang into her story. It really adds to the authenticity, which might otherwise have gone unnoticed what with all the rampant homosexuality and blatant disregard for anything in the source material. Good show, old chap! Pip pip cheerio, Bob's your uncle, wotcher.

~Dream Time with Draco~

Draco's eyes opened slowly to find that he was in a giant red and green bed, with matching walls. Suddenly, he felt something move beside him.


"Hello, Clarice..."

Cautiously, he looked over and smiled at the sight. Harry was sleeping soundly, a small smile on his face. Draco reached down and brushed a few strands of hair from the boy's forehead. Harry stirred and his eyes fluttered open, revealing their beautiful emerald color.

If nothing else, reviewing Bumblebee's fics has been excellent in helping me overcome my gag reflex.

"Morning, love," Draco whispered, kissing Harry lightly on the nose.

The raven-haired boy smiled. "Hey, Draco... I dreamed 'bout you."


Man, talk about wacky coincidences!

The blonde's eyesbrows rose. "Really? Was it a good dream?"

Harry nodded. "Extremely."

"Are you going to tell me?"

He shook his head. "Can't."

Draco cocked his head to the side. "Why not?"


"I'd get arrested."

"You've gotta wake now."

"How come?"

Blaise's voice sounded through Draco's head. "She's coming over!"

The boy's eyes opened slowly. "Hmm?"

Blaise motioned to over his shoulder, where the bug-eyed hippie was.


Miss Bumblebee makes a cameo appearance.

"What'd you dream about, Draco?" the other boy asked. "You said something about love." His eyes softened slightly, looking sadder. "Is it your secret girl, then?"

Draco nodded. "Yeah.. my girl."

Blaise's face fell. "Oh."


"Well whoever she is, she won't be living for much longer..."

Just before Trelawny reached the two boys, the bell rang, and they all filed out. Draco breathed a sigh of relief. Lucky he didn't say anything about Harry... that would be hard to explain. Nice dream, though.

Could've used a bit more sex and explosions, but for a middle of the schoolday nap it was alright I guess.
 

* * *


The rest of the morning passed rather uneventfully. Transfiguration went well enough, Draco had almost successfully changed a bird into a potato, but it still had feathers on its bum.


Thanks to reviewing so many Bumblebee fics I can't even look at that seemingly innocuous anecdote with trusting eyes anymore. Birds? Potatoes? Feathers? Bum? There's gay sex in there somewhere, I know it.

The blonde had been distracted, guess who the problem was?

Harry Potter?

Yup, our Mr. Harry Potter.

I RULE!

The image of him in the dream still burned in his memory. 'Absolutely beautiful.'

But now, it's time for lunch. And at lunch... don't things always seem to go awry? (Okay, that doesn't make sense, lunch is always fine with me, save the time I laughed and had Fruitopia come out my nose.)


When an author sneaks little comments about her private life into a fanfiction, you know she's making them up because she simply doesn't have any.

Anyhoo, Draco and the apes had just seated themselves for lunch and were currnetly chatting about random things, but they were to NEVER touch on the subject of ferrets. But, that's rather of MY subject, which is not ferrets. It's my dear Dray and his Har-bear.

Y... you're beginning to scare me, Bumblebee. Should I call somebody?

Anyhoo, just as Draco was about to take a bit of juicy-looking duck (blech, do not like duck, yuck),

Yeah, this is fascinating. Can we just get back to the gay stuff already?

but a bit of pudding landed on his hand. He froze, and looked round. Draco's eyes narrowed as he spotted Blaise holding a dirtied spoon and grinning. The blonde was furious. His own friend... this was war.

Man, Draco's taking this a bit seriously... I wonder what would happen if someone tricked him into thinking his shoelaces were untied. I can see him chasing them around the school with an axe and suing their family for emotional trauma.

He picked up a rather large piece of uck, and hurled it at the other boy's head. Unfortunately, Blaise ducked the duck (hehe) and it hit someone else from behind. Even worse, it was a certain raven-haired Gryffindor. Draco's face paled, which was creepy, seeing as he usually is pale anyway.

Have you ever heard of a thing called "proofreading", Miss Bumblebee?

I'm just asking in lieu of you
BEING FUCKING INSANE

"Oops..."

Harry turned round, and glared at his offender. Quickly, he grabbed a handful of mashed potatoes and chucked it at Draco, who didn't have the best reflexes and was hit. His cheeks became tinged with red.

 

"You maniac, I'm allergic to mashed potatoes! I can... Ack! Airway... swelling shut...!"


"Oh, Potter, you will be sorry!" he yelled standing with a bowlful of rice.

"Make your move, Malfoy!" Harry yelled back, taking hold of a plate of shredded chicken.


Duel of the Fates.

Both stood at the ready, everything was tensed. No one moved, no one spoke, and no one breathed.

Several students died of asphyxiation, but they died knowing their ends were met for the right cause and their country would be proud of them.

This is.. until Professor McGonagall came.

"Boys!" sh cried, holding her hat in place as she ran.


"Who's having a food fight without me?! Here, give me that duck...!"

She came between them, hands out.

"I honestly thought better of you than to have a food fight!"


Yeah, what the hell are you learning magic for, anyway?

Both boys slowly out their weapons down, not taking their eyes off each other.

"Now, both of you come with me," she ordered, walking off.

Harry and Draco followed, ignoring that fact that everyone was watching. Draco was slightly put out by the fact that Harry was walking as far away from him as he could.


"All I did was throw a handful of dead duck into his face... "

They soon arrived at the all-too familiar office of McGonagall. She had her usual look on her face: Annoyed.

Tinged with just a hint of frantic sexual frustration.

"Now, boys, you both know why you're here. Let me tell you, I'm extremely disappointed. I never would have thought you would do this, Mr. Potter." She turned to the blonde. "And Mr. Malfoy, if your father knew about this he'd be VERY embarrassed of you, I'm sure.

Yeah, that'll show em, professor. I'm sure you've struck the fear into their hearts now.

Twenty points from each of you, plus detention tomorrow. I will be in the trophy room at seven o'clock P.M."

She needs to polish her many Outstandingly Stereotypical Stuck-up Teacher Character Awards.

Harry nodded, whilst Draco quietly waited. He couldn't do anything else. He was fit to burst.

'A whole night with Harry....' his mind yelled happily. 'Alone... yayness!'


Draco's mind sounds almost as gay as he does.

As the professor dismissed them, Harry sent Draco an 'This is all your fault' look. Draco merely smirked. As soon as they were out of hearing range from the hag's office, the raven-haired boy turned to Draco, emerald eyes blazing.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" he yelled, taking the blonde by surprise. "I wanted to practice Quidditch!"

"For your information, Potter, it was an accident."

Harry huffed (yes, huffed) and put his hands on his hips. "Really, now?"


Well, for a character in a slashfic, he's certainly acting the part.

Draco nodded. "Yes, I meant to hit Blaise."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks to you and your poor aim, we'll be stuck together."


Not gonna make the obvious out-of-context joke.

Nope, not gonna.

See how I did not make that joke there?

"You think I'M happy!" the other boy yelled. "Like I want to be with you for the entire night?!"

"And pin you down and make hot, steamy love to you all night? Then cuddle up and make out and call you 'snugglepuss' and... Well, I don't!"

"Tch, whatever. Just leave me alone then, okay?"

"You don't have to tell me twice."

"Good, see you later then, ~Draco~."

"Oh, I can't wait, ~Harry~."


You're such a talented writer, ~Bumblebee~.

They separated, looking extremely pissed off, though Draco's was just an act.

He stopped in the middle of the hallway, falling gainst the wall and sliding down to the cold, rock floor.


Throw in a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's, and there's a metaphor for me reviewing this story somewhere in there.

"He hates me so much..." he whispered, tears coursing down his face. "Until tomorrow, my dearest abhorer."

"Uh, I'm still here, Malfoy."

Three Days remained until Valentine's Day. Not that it mattered now. His Harry would never believe the gift had come from him.

Gift certificates to Olive Garden just don't seem like Draco's style.
 


End of Chapter One

Okay, this one is finished, and still rather short. I have ideas for more, though, it's hard to stetch the days like this. Anyhoo, R&R, please, and no terribly mean flames, if you do that, I'll cry. And you don't want to make me cry, do you?


I think we both know the answer to that.


 

And that is that. Unfortunately, this epic tale of angst and drama never progresses beyond the abrupt ending you just read. I guess that's the real Valentine's Day surprise.

You see, shortly after I grabbed this piece of the story for reviewing, Miss Bumblebee took all of her fics off FanFiction.net and disappeared forever. The reason is unknown, although many theories can be found across the internet. Some say the death of her older Latino lover drove her into a depression that caused her to retire from her stressful obligations as a fanfiction writer. Yet others are of the belief that she is not truly gone, and her spirit still roams the virtual realms somewhere...

Or it could be the combined efforts of my relentless mocking of her stories and the continuous stream of death-threats I sent her finally broke her, leaving nothing but a shell of her former self that was incapable of looking upon her creations without becoming sick and was forced to erase her old online identity out of shame. Whatever happened, I won't pretend I don't find it a little easier to fall asleep at night.

Had Valentine's Day Surprise continued, I'd like to think the story might have gone a little something like this:

With his advances rejected by Harry, Draco leaves Hogwarts and falls into a downward spiral of drug abuse and male prostitution. One day, completely inebriated, he visits Harry at his new home and, in a drunken rage, stabs him to death with a letter opener in front of his children.

Dejected and guilt-ridden, Draco turns to his old friend Blaise for guidance and love, but Blaise, now a successful politician, can no longer afford to accept his advances. Consumed by loathing as he sees the pity in Blaise's eyes, Draco attacks and rapes him at gunpoint. Horrified by what he's become, he turns the gun on himself and takes his own life.

The scandal ruins Blaise's career and he dies of syphilis five years later.

Crabbe and Goyle both win the Nobel Peace Prize.

 

-Written by Dai Ou.