While all fanfiction is essentially pointless by its very nature, none of it seems to be a more profound waste of the readers' time than those fics written in the fluff genre. For those who don't speak the lingo, "fluff" is fanfic author code-speak for "random drivel I typed up on my laptop to kill time while I microwaved some cup ramen to have with my bowl full of Ritalin". It was a term coined to allow members of the fanfiction community to get away with writing several pages worth of nothing and still be able to publish it on the internet, as if a brief description of a scene in which nothing of any interest takes place is some kind of thought-provoking work of art that other human beings would actually have a desire to see.

For her first official submission to Project AFTER, forum regular Mysty decided to take a detailed look at a fanfic belonging to the not-so-detailed genre of fluff. "Night", as it's called, is a desperately dull
Digimon fic that follows the guidelines of fluff almost to a fault; during nearly seven pages of text, no real plot is ever actually established. I've seriously seen commercials for fast food restaurants that feature more complete and emotionally stirring storylines. Then we have the ending, which isn't so much of a proper conclusion as it is a clear sign that the authors' attention span is shorter than a tutorial video explaining how to kill someone who is drenched in kerosene when you have a flamethrower in your hand.

And no, I'm afraid that last apostrophe isn't misplaced... It actually took the collaborative efforts of TWO separate people to write this gem. Which just impresses me straight to hell and back.

In spite of the countless reasons you could think of not to read this story past its title, Mysty threw aside her common sense and dove head-first into this toxic cesspool of fangirl-spawned idiocy. Against all odds, she not only managed to surface with a small fragment of her sanity intact, but also with a capably-composed review that thankfully takes some of the sting out of reading a fic this bad. I hope you'll all join me in applauding Mysty for her bravery in the face of such sucktastic writing. I have no medal to give you, oh noble soldier, but hopefully achieving immortality within the hallowed Guest Specials section will make your sacrifice worthwhile. - Alex

 

 

Guest Special: "Night"
(A 'Digimon' fanfiction by Cynthia & Lady Dragon)

Reviewed by: Mysty


Hello, Project A.F.T.E.R. readers. I'm Mysty, and today I bring you the heart-wrenching tale of two lovers, a cat, and two REALLY messed-up fangirls. This is written by Cynthia and Lady Dragon. I have no idea who Lady Dragon is, but Cynthia is in fact Cynthia, Piedmon's Lady. For those who don't know, Miss Lady was a popular fanfic writer back in the early days of Digimon. She was (in)famous for Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers porn and fics where sweet, innocent T.K. of Digimon gets it on with his own father. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a hold of any of those fics, so you'll have to settle for this mindless fluff.

Warnings: There really is no plot, and there are shonen-ai/yaoi undertones. Oh, and there's a cat.

 


 

Legal Disclaimer: We don't own Digimon. Never. Ever. Or any other brand name found in this fanfic. I do have a pure black cat who was kinda the inspiration for the cat in this. And my friends will recognize Daisuke's pen pal ;)

Her invisible friends.

Author's Note 1: Whiny Daisuke...hehhehe.

Author's Note 2: Does anyone else think that would be the most adorable thing in the world?


Maybe if you're an overly-hormonal fangirl who has nothing better to do than write inane slash fics...

Romance: Ken/Daisuke

 

Story by: Cynthia and Lady Dragon


Night


Motomiya-Ichijouji Ken heard the most agonizing, the most horrifying, the absolutely most terrifying sound he'd ever heard in his life.


Now I'm imagining him listening to William Hung.

His heart began to sink and he felt a touch clammy. This sound could mean only one thing.

Daisuke wanted something. And it was probably going to be expensive or annoying to him or both.

"Ken-chaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!"


Proceed with the breaking of everything that's made of glass in the nearby vicinity.

Ken looked down at the deep, rich, beautiful, pleading eyes staring up at him and felt a chill going down his spine. "I want a kitty."

The blue-haired one blinked. This wasn't what he'd been expecting. "What?"

"I want a cat. I want a pet cat." Daisuke poked him in the stomach. "Something I can play with while you're off doing whatever it is that you do all day at work and I'm here painting by my lonely lonesome."


Uh, yeah. Ken sure does, uh, "work".

He batted his eyes at Ken, who shivered a touch. Those eyes should definitely be registered as a lethal weapon.

I said the same thing about fangirls who own computers, but the government guys just laughed at me.

"Suke-chan," Ken reminded him softly. "We're not allowed to have pets." He shivered as artful tears began to well up in Daisuke's eyes. "It's not my fault!"

Artful tears? That somehow makes less than no sense.

One tear dripped out. "But I'm lonely while you're gone." Daisuke pointed out the fish-tank with a fish swimming about. "He's no fun. Can't pet him. Can't take him for walkies. He doesn't catch mice."

This fic is apparently anti-fish. They're going to be getting a very displeased letter after I'm done with this.

Ken could feel his resolve starting to waver. "Cats don't like being taken for walks."

"We could train him." Daisuke sniffled. "My cousins in America have a cat they put on a leash and walk. And my pen pal has a cat that just won't leave her alone. He's always by her, always loyal, lays on her hands when she tries to type..."


(Daisuke) Coincidently, she has horrible spelling in all her e-mails to me. I wonder why...

"That doesn't sound very useful." Ken shivered at the pleading look in Daisuke's eyes and the pleading expression on his face. "They're loud and temperamental."

"They are not loud!" Daisuke protested. "Cats are quiet and loving and faithful and sweet and they can cast sleep spells!"


At this point, all I can say is that I'm laughing my ass off, but definitely not for the reason the authors were hoping for.

Ken blinked. "They can what?"

"Haven't you ever held a cat?" Daisuke asked, and Ken shook his head. "Well, when you hold a cat and they're purring, it'll put you to sleep."

Ken shook his head again. "You're just saying that, aren't you?" Daisuke had to just be saying it. It wasn't true...was it?

 

(Ken) Augh, cats are even more mysterious and frightening to me than girls!

"You can ask Hikari," Daisuke offered. "I bet Miko, or even Tailmon, has put her to sleep lots of times."


You know, I bet "The Adventures of Hikari the Cat Lady" would be a lot more interesting than this.

"But we're not supposed to-"

Daisuke cut him off, pulling their lease out of his sleeve, and pointed to a paragraph. "We can have a small pet at a reasonable increase in rent, and we can afford that!"


"Sure, you can have a hamster, but it'll cost your ass an extra $200 a month." Their landlord is a financial genius.

"But a cat is still too big..." Ken protested again. Daisuke glowered at him.

"How big of a cat do you think I want? Some huge thirty pound monster that'll knock all of my easels over and take dumps on my portrait of Ken-chan and the Banana Peel Thing?"


*blinks, reads that paragraph again, blinks again* ...What the fuck?

Ken turned bright red, and winced as Daisuke immediately glowered again before the redhead screwed up his face as if he were about to burst into tears. "You don't love me anymore!!!"

Ken winced, and sighed. "Suke-chan. You're almost twenty-four!"


His age really makes the mental retardation more apparent, huh.

Daisuke pouted, fat tears rolling down his cheeks, the very picture of total heartbrokenness. Ken groaned weakly. "If our landlord finds out..."

"Like we can't move to the Digital World and have a house of our very own if we really wanted to?" Daisuke sniffled, a sight Ken usually found quite adorable, and still did even with the redhead's current scheming.


Because the Digital World is just the perfect place to live, what with the lack of access to proper food, the deranged psychopaths that want to take it over every other day, and the high probability of being stomped on.

Ken threw his hands in the air, giving up. "All right, all..." He trailed off and stared at Daisuke's suspiciously. "All right, where's the kitten?"

(Ken) Is that a kitten in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

God, I hate myself, but I just couldn't resist...

Daisuke blinked innocently, the tears vanishing as if never there. "What?" Ken just stared back at him, and Daisuke finally went into their bedroom, coming out a few moments with a tiny pure black kitten in his arms, sound asleep.

"I knew it," Ken murmured to himself, trying to glower at Daisuke.


He was cheating on you with the kitten, wasn't he, Ken? I wouldn't be surprised.

"You were too insistent for it to have just been an idea. Aren't we supposed to talk about things before you bring strays home?"

Ken said the exact same thing when Daisuke brought home that hobo he named Snuggle-Muffins.

The redhead looked even more innocent. "She followed me home?" Ken crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Daisuke intently. "She did!"

Ken looked at Daisuke, using his own patented brand of How could you possibly think of lying to me, as he sniffled sadly. Daisuke parried his boyfriend's expression with yet another look of injured innocence.


This fight over a cat between two gay guys is strangely epic.

"She did!" Daisuke insisted. "I went out to McDonald's for lunch and she was sitting outside when I got there and she was still there when I came out, and she followed me home!"

Ken's eyes narrowed. "You didn't encourage her at all by feeding her bits of Chicken McNuggets or hamburger?"


What the hell, was this fanfic sponsored by McDonald's or something? "I admit it Ken, I couldn't help but feed her some delicious Chicken McNuggets™ because they taste great and are made with all white meat!"

"Well, look at how thin she is!" Daisuke held the small kitten up, and Ken had to admit that she was rather undernourished.

Ooh, sorry contestants, we were looking for 'malnourished'. Malnourished.

Still it was the principal of the thing.

It'd be just like Daisuke to fail so hard that he's still in high school at twenty-four.

"So you encouraged her to follow you home?"

Daisuke glared at him defensively. "She didn't have to eat the food!"

"Do you turn down free food?" Ken glared right back at him.

Daisuke looked at him as if he'd lost his mind,


But you can't really lose something you never had, can you.

then grinned evilly. "You know better than that. How'd you get me to follow you home the first time? Hey, Daisuke, would you like to come over for dinner?"

Ken glowered as he looked from Daisuke to the kitten and back again. "You've already named her, haven't you?"


(Daisuke) *holds up the kitten ala The Lion King* I dub thee, Snuggle-Muffins the Second!

Daisuke petted the kitten gently. "Well, I was thinking about calling her Night."

"Why that?" Ken wondered. Daisuke shrugged.

"Cause everyone calls black cats Shadow or Midnight or silly things like that. But I just like Night."


Because the cat is so badass that multi-syllable names are beneath it.

Ken sighed. "All right." He blinked in shock as Daisuke leaned over and put the kitten in his lap. The small feline awoke, and stared up at him with huge green eyes.

It took Ken a few seconds to realize that those huge green eyes had belonged to Snuggle-Muffins the First.

Ken blinked in surprise at the obvious intelligence in that emerald gaze. "Hello, Night."

Night yawned at him, nuzzling gently, then settled into his arms and began to purr as she slipped back into sleep. Ken jerked his gaze up to stare at Daisuke, completely out of his depth. Daisuke grinned at him.

"She likes you!"


Well, that makes one of us.

Ken blinked, staring down at the kitten. "Aren't you going to take her?"

Daisuke shook his head solemnly. "Let sleeping cats lie."


That's a really idiotic motto, because all cats ever do is sleep. You have to disturb them at least once in awhile to make sure they're still alive.

"You're going to leave her here?" Ken asked, his eyes widening in shock. Daisuke shrugged.

"Why not? Isn't she pretty?"

The Child of Kindness blinked. "I guess...but she's your kitten."

"She's our kitten." Daisuke corrected. "Or we're her people. You see, you don't own cats. They own you."


I never knew that Daisuke was so adept in the Ways of Cat.

Ken looked up at him in shock. This was starting to be more than he could handle. Daisuke just had to be pulling his leg this time. "You're joking, right?"

"You have a lot to learn about being owned by a cat." Daisuke told him. Ken looked at him warily.

"And just how do you know?"


Daisuke teaches classes at the YMCA every Tuesday and Thursday.

Daisuke looked very solemn and serious. "There are many intelligent species in this universe. All of them are owned by cats."

"Really?" Ken looked completely and utterly surprised. Daisuke nodded.

"Of course! How can they be intelligent if they aren't owned by cats?"


I dunno, having at least double the amount of brains it took to come up with the plot for this fic?

Ken looked down at the cat, who was still purring at him. The ex-Kaiser tried to stop it, but he was feeling a little sleepy. He looked up again as Daisuke grinned.

"I bought a litter box and kitten food and had her shots taken care of already!" the redhead listed off proudly. Ken glared at him.


(Ken) You organized son of a bitch.

"You set me up! Suke-chan..."

Daisuke looked at him seriously. "Look at her, Ken-chan. I really do want to keep her. She's adorable."


That's what he said about... Nah, the hobo joke's getting old.

Ken sighed. "I already said you could, but you know I don't like being set up like this."

Daisuke curled up beside him. "I'm sorry, Ken-chan." Ken could tell Daisuke was being honest about this. "She..." He didn't continue for a few moments, until Ken encouraged him. "She reminds me of a cat I had when I was five. Jun and I went off to camp that year and when we came back, the cat was dead."


Pets never die when you're five, they "run away". Obviously, Cynthia and Lady Dragon have much to learn in the ways of parenting.

Ken nuzzled him gently. "I'm sorry." He smiled into Daisuke's eyes. "All right, all right. I'm not mad, okay?" He yawned deeply, and Daisuke grinned at him.

"I told you cats cast sleep spells."


Either that, or even the characters in this fic are getting bored waiting for something to actually happen.

Ken muffled another yawn. "It's been a long day."

"Let's go to bed, Ken-chan?" Daisuke asked. Ken nodded and gestured to the kitten.

"What about her?"

Daisuke grinned. "I also bought her a kitten-bed." Ken looked at him. He suspected a lot more than a kitten-bed had been bought.


Oh, I'm sure more than a kitten bed had been bought, nudge nudge, wink wink.

"I see. Then by all means, go tuck her in."

The redhead looked at him. "You're coming too." Ken blinked a bit in surprise.

"Of course I am, but you have to take your feline."


Oh, so we're into the technical terms now. Getting a little bitchy, eh Ken?

He watched as Daisuke picked the kitten up and carried her into their bedroom, then followed. One corner of the room had been turned into what was effectively a cat suite: a bed, food and water dishes, a scratching post, some play sets, a self-scooping litter box, all of it concealable behind a screen. Ken shook his head.

I can picture how Daisuke might have snuck in with the cat stuffed in his jacket, but how did he conceal what must have been at least two dozen bags with the Petco logo on them.

"Hold on, she followed you all the way home, with several stops by every pet store between here and there?"

Daisuke nodded, and Ken sighed as he got ready for bed. "Smart cat." Lucky cat, too. Getting Suke-chan to take care of her. He couldn't be jealous, though. Daisuke took care of him after all, and did so very well.


Which is weird, considering that Ken is apparently the one that works while Daisuke sits on his ass all day "painting".

Daisuke curled up next to him and kissed him gently. "Love you, Ken-chan. Good night." He peeked over to the kitten area and smiled. "Good night, Night."

Soon, they all slept...and unknown to Ken, he was going to wake up to feeling a small cold and wet kitten nose right against his neck.


I don't know about you guys, but that last sentence gave me the cold-creepies.


 

So. Did anyone have any clue what that was supposed to be about? No? Me neither.

 

You know, I really like cats, and although that didn't ruin them for me, I think it teaches us one very good life lesson: Never think that a fic written by fangirls that centers around a cat is going to be good. I can only take solace in the fact that this fic has no reviews. In fact, it's pretty obscure. I only found it because Cynthia, Piedmon's Lady is my mortal enemy from when I was ten. Of course, that has nothing to do with me mocking one of her fics... *shifty eyes*

 

-Written by Mysty.