While all fanfiction is
essentially pointless by its very nature, none of it seems to be
a more profound waste of the readers' time than those fics
written in the fluff genre. For those who don't speak the
lingo, "fluff" is fanfic author code-speak for "random drivel I
typed up on my laptop to kill time while I microwaved some cup
ramen to have with my bowl full of Ritalin". It was a term
coined to allow members of the fanfiction community to get away
with writing several pages worth of nothing and still be able to
publish it on the internet, as if a brief description of a scene
in which nothing of any interest takes place is some kind of
thought-provoking work of art that other human beings would
actually have a desire to see.
For her first official submission to Project AFTER, forum
regular Mysty decided to take a detailed look at a fanfic
belonging to the not-so-detailed genre of fluff. "Night", as
it's called, is a desperately dull Digimon fic that
follows the guidelines of fluff almost to a fault; during nearly
seven pages of text, no real plot is ever actually established.
I've seriously seen commercials for fast food restaurants that
feature more complete and emotionally stirring storylines. Then
we have the ending, which isn't so much of a proper conclusion
as it is a clear sign that the authors' attention span is
shorter than a tutorial video explaining how to kill someone who
is drenched in kerosene when you have a flamethrower in your
And no, I'm afraid that last apostrophe isn't misplaced... It
actually took the collaborative efforts of TWO separate people
to write this gem. Which just impresses me straight to hell and
In spite of the countless reasons you could think of not to read
this story past its title, Mysty threw aside her common sense
and dove head-first into this toxic cesspool of fangirl-spawned
idiocy. Against all odds, she not only managed to surface with a
small fragment of her sanity intact, but also with a
capably-composed review that thankfully takes some of the sting
out of reading a fic this bad. I hope you'll all join me in
applauding Mysty for her bravery in the face of such sucktastic
writing. I have no medal to give you, oh noble soldier, but
hopefully achieving immortality within the hallowed Guest
Specials section will make your sacrifice worthwhile. - Alex
Guest Special: "Night"
(A 'Digimon' fanfiction by
Cynthia & Lady Dragon)
Hello, Project A.F.T.E.R. readers. I'm Mysty, and today I
bring you the heart-wrenching tale of two lovers, a cat, and
two REALLY messed-up fangirls. This is written by Cynthia
and Lady Dragon. I have no idea who Lady Dragon is, but
Cynthia is in fact Cynthia, Piedmon's Lady. For those who
don't know, Miss Lady was a popular fanfic writer back in
the early days of Digimon. She was (in)famous for Mighty
Morphin' Power Rangers porn and fics where sweet,
innocent T.K. of Digimon gets it on with his own
father. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a hold of any of those
fics, so you'll have to settle for this mindless fluff.
Warnings: There really is no plot, and there are shonen-ai/yaoi
undertones. Oh, and there's a cat.
Legal Disclaimer: We don't own
Digimon. Never. Ever. Or any other brand name found in this
fanfic. I do have a pure black cat who was kinda the
inspiration for the cat in this. And my friends will
recognize Daisuke's pen pal ;)
Her invisible friends.
Author's Note 1: Whiny Daisuke...hehhehe.
Author's Note 2: Does anyone else think that would be the
most adorable thing in the world?
Maybe if you're an overly-hormonal fangirl who has nothing
better to do than write inane slash fics...
Story by: Cynthia and Lady Dragon
Motomiya-Ichijouji Ken heard the most agonizing, the most
horrifying, the absolutely most terrifying sound he'd ever heard
in his life.
Now I'm imagining him listening to William Hung.
His heart began to sink and he felt a
touch clammy. This sound could mean only one thing.
Daisuke wanted something. And it was probably going to be
expensive or annoying to him or both.
Proceed with the breaking of everything that's made of glass in
the nearby vicinity.
Ken looked down at the deep, rich,
beautiful, pleading eyes staring up at him and felt a chill
going down his spine. "I want a kitty."
The blue-haired one blinked. This wasn't what he'd been
"I want a cat. I want a pet cat." Daisuke poked him in the
stomach. "Something I can play with while you're off doing
whatever it is that you do all day at work and I'm here painting
by my lonely lonesome."
Uh, yeah. Ken sure does, uh, "work".
He batted his eyes at Ken, who shivered
a touch. Those eyes should definitely be registered as a lethal
I said the same thing about fangirls who own computers, but the
government guys just laughed at me.
"Suke-chan," Ken reminded him softly.
"We're not allowed to have pets." He shivered as artful tears
began to well up in Daisuke's eyes. "It's not my fault!"
Artful tears? That
somehow makes less than no sense.
One tear dripped out. "But I'm lonely
while you're gone." Daisuke pointed out the fish-tank with a
fish swimming about. "He's no fun. Can't pet him. Can't take him
for walkies. He doesn't catch mice."
This fic is apparently anti-fish. They're going to be getting a
very displeased letter after I'm done with this.
Ken could feel his resolve starting to
waver. "Cats don't like being taken for walks."
"We could train him." Daisuke sniffled. "My cousins in America
have a cat they put on a leash and walk. And my pen pal has a
cat that just won't leave her alone. He's always by her, always
loyal, lays on her hands when she tries to type..."
(Daisuke) Coincidently, she has horrible spelling in all her
e-mails to me. I wonder why...
"That doesn't sound very useful." Ken
shivered at the pleading look in Daisuke's eyes and the pleading
expression on his face. "They're loud and temperamental."
"They are not loud!" Daisuke protested. "Cats are quiet and
loving and faithful and sweet and they can cast sleep spells!"
At this point, all I can say is that I'm laughing my ass off,
but definitely not for the reason the authors were hoping for.
Ken blinked. "They can what?"
"Haven't you ever held a cat?" Daisuke asked, and Ken shook his
head. "Well, when you hold a cat and they're purring, it'll put
you to sleep."
Ken shook his head again. "You're just saying that, aren't you?"
Daisuke had to just be saying it. It wasn't true...was it?
(Ken) Augh, cats are even more mysterious and frightening to me
"You can ask Hikari," Daisuke offered. "I bet Miko, or even
Tailmon, has put her to sleep lots of times."
You know, I bet "The Adventures of Hikari the Cat Lady" would be
a lot more interesting than this.
"But we're not supposed to-"
Daisuke cut him off, pulling their lease out of his sleeve, and
pointed to a paragraph. "We can have a small pet at a reasonable
increase in rent, and we can afford that!"
"Sure, you can have a
hamster, but it'll cost your ass an extra $200 a month." Their
landlord is a financial genius.
"But a cat is still too big..." Ken
protested again. Daisuke glowered at him.
"How big of a cat do you think I want? Some huge thirty pound
monster that'll knock all of my easels over and take dumps on my
portrait of Ken-chan and the Banana Peel Thing?"
*blinks, reads that paragraph again, blinks again* ...What the
Ken turned bright red, and winced as
Daisuke immediately glowered again before the redhead screwed up
his face as if he were about to burst into tears. "You don't
love me anymore!!!"
Ken winced, and sighed. "Suke-chan. You're almost twenty-four!"
His age really makes the
mental retardation more apparent, huh.
Daisuke pouted, fat tears rolling down
his cheeks, the very picture of total heartbrokenness. Ken
groaned weakly. "If our landlord finds out..."
"Like we can't move to the Digital World and have a house of our
very own if we really wanted to?" Daisuke sniffled, a sight Ken
usually found quite adorable, and still did even with the
redhead's current scheming.
Because the Digital World is just the perfect place to live,
what with the lack of access to proper food, the deranged
psychopaths that want to take it over every other day, and the
high probability of being stomped on.
Ken threw his hands in the air, giving
up. "All right, all..." He trailed off and stared at Daisuke's
suspiciously. "All right, where's the kitten?"
(Ken) Is that a kitten in your pocket or are you just happy to
God, I hate myself, but I just couldn't resist...
Daisuke blinked innocently, the tears
vanishing as if never there. "What?" Ken just stared back at
him, and Daisuke finally went into their bedroom, coming out a
few moments with a tiny pure black kitten in his arms, sound
"I knew it," Ken murmured to himself, trying to glower at
He was cheating on you with the kitten, wasn't he, Ken? I
wouldn't be surprised.
"You were too insistent for it to have
just been an idea. Aren't we supposed to talk about things
before you bring strays home?"
Ken said the exact same thing when Daisuke brought home that
hobo he named Snuggle-Muffins.
The redhead looked even more innocent.
"She followed me home?" Ken crossed his arms over his chest and
stared at Daisuke intently. "She did!"
Ken looked at Daisuke, using his own patented brand of How could
you possibly think of lying to me, as he sniffled sadly. Daisuke
parried his boyfriend's expression with yet another look of
This fight over a cat between two gay guys is strangely epic.
"She did!" Daisuke insisted. "I went
out to McDonald's for lunch and she was sitting outside when I
got there and she was still there when I came out, and she
followed me home!"
Ken's eyes narrowed. "You didn't encourage her at all by feeding
her bits of Chicken McNuggets or hamburger?"
What the hell, was this
fanfic sponsored by McDonald's or something? "I admit it Ken, I
couldn't help but feed her some delicious Chicken McNuggets™
because they taste great and are made with all white meat!"
"Well, look at how thin she is!"
Daisuke held the small kitten up, and Ken had to admit that she
was rather undernourished.
Ooh, sorry contestants, we were looking for 'malnourished'.
Still it was the principal of the
It'd be just like Daisuke to fail so hard that he's still in
high school at twenty-four.
"So you encouraged her to follow you
Daisuke glared at him defensively. "She didn't have to eat the
"Do you turn down free food?" Ken glared right back at him.
Daisuke looked at him as if he'd lost his mind,
But you can't really lose something you never had, can you.
then grinned evilly. "You know better
than that. How'd you get me to follow you home the first time?
Hey, Daisuke, would you like to come over for dinner?"
Ken glowered as he looked from Daisuke to the kitten and back
again. "You've already named her, haven't you?"
(Daisuke) *holds up the kitten ala The Lion King* I dub thee,
Snuggle-Muffins the Second!
Daisuke petted the kitten gently.
"Well, I was thinking about calling her Night."
"Why that?" Ken wondered. Daisuke shrugged.
"Cause everyone calls black cats Shadow or Midnight or silly
things like that. But I just like Night."
Because the cat is so badass that multi-syllable names are
Ken sighed. "All right." He blinked in
shock as Daisuke leaned over and put the kitten in his lap. The
small feline awoke, and stared up at him with huge green eyes.
It took Ken a few seconds to realize that those huge green eyes
had belonged to Snuggle-Muffins the First.
Ken blinked in surprise at the obvious
intelligence in that emerald gaze. "Hello, Night."
Night yawned at him, nuzzling gently, then settled into his arms
and began to purr as she slipped back into sleep. Ken jerked his
gaze up to stare at Daisuke, completely out of his depth.
Daisuke grinned at him.
"She likes you!"
Well, that makes one of us.
Ken blinked, staring down at the
kitten. "Aren't you going to take her?"
Daisuke shook his head solemnly. "Let sleeping cats lie."
That's a really idiotic
motto, because all cats ever do is sleep. You have to disturb
them at least once in awhile to make sure they're still alive.
"You're going to leave her here?" Ken
asked, his eyes widening in shock. Daisuke shrugged.
"Why not? Isn't she pretty?"
The Child of Kindness blinked. "I guess...but she's your
"She's our kitten." Daisuke corrected. "Or we're her people. You
see, you don't own cats. They own you."
I never knew that Daisuke was so adept in the Ways of Cat.
Ken looked up at him in shock. This was
starting to be more than he could handle. Daisuke just had to be
pulling his leg this time. "You're joking, right?"
"You have a lot to learn about being owned by a cat." Daisuke
told him. Ken looked at him warily.
"And just how do you know?"
Daisuke teaches classes at the YMCA every Tuesday and Thursday.
Daisuke looked very solemn and serious.
"There are many intelligent species in this universe. All of
them are owned by cats."
"Really?" Ken looked completely and utterly surprised. Daisuke
"Of course! How can they be intelligent if they aren't owned by
I dunno, having at least double the amount of brains it took to
come up with the plot for this fic?
Ken looked down at the cat, who was
still purring at him. The ex-Kaiser tried to stop it, but he was
feeling a little sleepy. He looked up again as Daisuke grinned.
"I bought a litter box and kitten food and had her shots taken
care of already!" the redhead listed off proudly. Ken glared at
(Ken) You organized son of
"You set me up! Suke-chan..."
Daisuke looked at him seriously. "Look at her, Ken-chan. I
really do want to keep her. She's adorable."
That's what he said about... Nah, the hobo joke's getting old.
Ken sighed. "I already said you could,
but you know I don't like being set up like this."
Daisuke curled up beside him. "I'm sorry, Ken-chan." Ken could
tell Daisuke was being honest about this. "She..." He didn't
continue for a few moments, until Ken encouraged him. "She
reminds me of a cat I had when I was five. Jun and I went off to
camp that year and when we came back, the cat was dead."
Pets never die when you're five, they "run away". Obviously,
Cynthia and Lady Dragon have much to learn in the ways of
Ken nuzzled him gently. "I'm sorry." He
smiled into Daisuke's eyes. "All right, all right. I'm not mad,
okay?" He yawned deeply, and Daisuke grinned at him.
"I told you cats cast sleep spells."
Either that, or even the characters in this fic are getting
bored waiting for something to actually happen.
Ken muffled another yawn. "It's been a
"Let's go to bed, Ken-chan?" Daisuke asked. Ken nodded and
gestured to the kitten.
"What about her?"
Daisuke grinned. "I also bought her a kitten-bed." Ken looked at
him. He suspected a lot more than a kitten-bed had been bought.
Oh, I'm sure more than a kitten bed had been bought,
nudge nudge, wink wink.
"I see. Then by all means, go tuck her
The redhead looked at him. "You're coming too." Ken blinked a
bit in surprise.
"Of course I am, but you have to take your feline."
Oh, so we're into the technical terms now. Getting a little
bitchy, eh Ken?
He watched as Daisuke picked the kitten
up and carried her into their bedroom, then followed. One corner
of the room had been turned into what was effectively a cat
suite: a bed, food and water dishes, a scratching post, some
play sets, a self-scooping litter box, all of it concealable
behind a screen. Ken shook his head.
I can picture how Daisuke might have snuck in with the cat
stuffed in his jacket, but how did he conceal what must have
been at least two dozen bags with the Petco logo on them.
"Hold on, she followed you all the way
home, with several stops by every pet store between here and
Daisuke nodded, and Ken sighed as he got ready for bed. "Smart
cat." Lucky cat, too. Getting Suke-chan to take care of her. He
couldn't be jealous, though. Daisuke took care of him after all,
and did so very well.
Which is weird, considering that Ken is apparently the one that
works while Daisuke sits on his ass all day "painting".
Daisuke curled up next to him and
kissed him gently. "Love you, Ken-chan. Good night." He peeked
over to the kitten area and smiled. "Good night, Night."
Soon, they all slept...and unknown to Ken, he was going to wake
up to feeling a small cold and wet kitten nose right against his
I don't know about you guys, but that last sentence gave me the
So. Did anyone have any clue what that was supposed to be
about? No? Me neither.
You know, I really like cats, and
although that didn't ruin them for me, I think it teaches us one
very good life lesson: Never think that a fic written by
fangirls that centers around a cat is going to be good. I can
only take solace in the fact that this fic has no reviews. In
fact, it's pretty obscure. I only found it because Cynthia,
Piedmon's Lady is my mortal enemy from when I was ten. Of
course, that has nothing to do with me mocking one of her fics...
-Written by Mysty.