In my ongoing quest to discover new and creative ways to rope other people into doing as much of my work for me as possible, I've found that few methods generate volumes of free, reader-created content as quickly as contests. The "So Bad It's Scary" contest, which ran in 2006, succeeded in producing a handful of great fanfiction reviews crafted by some of the PA Forum's finest members. With interest in fanfiction deconstruction (or should that be destruction?) having greatly increased in the years that followed, 2011 seemed like the perfect time to launch a new contest in which the next generation of fanfiction critics could compete.

The "Love Sick" Fanfiction Review Contest tasked entrants with hunting down stories containing themes of romance and ripping them apart like a bitter ex violently shredding old love letters. While all of the entries succeeded in taking the art of hateful criticism to exciting new levels, there were a few that stood out enough to deserve special recognition. One such submission was forum regular Protto's review of a Death Note fanfic that focused on the budding relationship between Ryuzaki (otherwise known as "L") and an original character named Akahana.

Akahana will undoubtedly be remembered by Project AFTER readers as one of the most thoroughly ill-conceived characters in the history of amateur writing. An obvious self-insertion by the author, Akahana is a gorgeous, multitalented genius who, much like the rest of the characters in this story, happens to be a complete moron.

Protto is all too aware of this fic's unrestrained bullshittery, and doesn't hesitate to break down the walls of logical contradictions and utter nonsense that hold up the debacle of a plot. This one-man wrecking crew and his epic demolition of "Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend" claimed third place in the "Love Sick" competition, earning him the prize of having his work featured here on the main site. Congratulations, sucker! - Alex

 

 

Guest Special: "Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend"
(A 'Death Note' fanfiction by DancingSamurai)

Reviewed by: Protto


Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! Hey, what's that in the air? Do you smell that? 'Cause I sure do! That's right, folks, that's love! Oh wait, or is it that I just forgot to turn off the stove again...? Ah well, it doesn't matter because it's the season for romance. And when I say romance, I, of course, mean heartbreak, crying, loneliness, alcohol poisoning, jealousy, more heartbreak, candy, and shitty fanfiction!

Speaking of which, today's pick is a Death Note story revolving around the blooming relationship between the intelligent and idiosyncratic detective L—otherwise known by his alias, Ryuzaki—and an original character created by none other than the author, DancingSamurai. Now you might notice that Ryuzaki is a bit unfaithful to his personality as depicted in the anime and manga, lacking any trace of intelligence or idiosyncrasy, but rest assured, this tale is filled to the brim with strong characters that share a touching and emotionally stirring passion that undoubtedly makes it the love story of the century! Also, good news for any of those thrill-seeking readers or individuals seeking thought-provoking plot twists out there: your desires will be satisfied once you get a load of all the heart-pounding action sequences and startling revelations this fanfic holds within.

Let's get right into it, then. The story will be in red, and I'm in white. Oops, I should probably check my stove... Oh whatever, maybe later.

 


 

CHAPTER 1: THE NEW DETECTIVE

Ryuzaki looked up when he heard a knock at the door.


"Open up in there. This is the police. We have a warrant for your arrest."

Watari opened the door and in came a tall person in a trench coat, hat and sunglasses. Watari closed the door and locked it. Ryuzaki looked at the person, knowing who it was, but the other task force members having no clue.

Light: Judge Doom?

Chief Yagami: The Invisible Man?

Aizawa: Charden Flamberg?

Ide: Why are you wearing a hat, Laurence Fishburne?

Mogi: You better not be that damned rabbit trying to steal my Trix again...

Matsuda: You idiot! I can tell it's you, Light!

The person removed the sunglasses and they saw a pair of beautiful midnight blue eyes. The person took of the trench coat, and appeared to be wearing jeans and long sleeve shirt. They knew she was a girl now, because of the graceful figure and beautiful eyes.

That conclusion was quickly discarded at the sight of the large bulge in the crotch of the jeans.

When the hat was removed, golden curls fell to her shoulders. Ryuzaki stood up, and Matsuda could have sworn he saw a look in Ryuzaki's eyes he never had before.

A mixture of shock and revulsion twisted Ryuzaki's face as he stared at the stranger's poorly-concealed erection.

"Akahana," Ryuzaki said, hugging the girl.

"Hey, Ryuzaki," she said, her voice was sweet. They parted, and Ryuzaki introduced the girl as being Akahana Zazuki. The men nodded, and Chief Yagami asked Ryuzaki why he invited the girl there.


Ryuzaki stared at Chief Yagami. "You really have to ask? Just look at those knockers!"

"This, my colleagues, is my dearest friend and great detective," Ryuzaki explained, which made Akahana blush slightly

"Hello," Near said quietly.

"Hello?" Akahana asked.


The great detective, Akahana Zazuki, everybody! Doesn't know what a greeting is but damn, does she have a sweet rack.

"Near," Near told her, nodding his albino head. Ryuzaki went to the kitchen to make tea, and Akahana followed him, wanting to catch up with her friend.

"How's it been, Ryuzaki?" Akahana asked, getting teacups and bags out of the cupboard.

"Good, you," Ryuzaki replied.


Ryuzaki: So how have you been... you... you, uh... dearest friend of mine?

"Well, I haven't been adopted, and doubt I ever will. My twenty-five year old brother is in jail...again," she said, sighing.

"I'm sorry," Ryuzaki said sincerely. She shook her head, and smiled a small smile.


Akahana: It's okay. I just hope getting raped a few more times will finally sort him out.

"I don't care anymore," she told him. He looked at her, not sure whether to approve or not.

They were silent for a moment; Ryuzaki got cake for himself and pretzels for Akahana, remembering she loved salty things.


You'll never guess how he learned about that particular trait.

....

Because she blew him, you see.

The teakettle whistled and Ryuzaki poured tea into the five cups. While he poured the third cup, his hand brushed against Akahana. He felt warmness in his cheeks, but it quickly faded. They put the snacks and tea on a tray, but before Ryuzaki picked it up, Akahana kissed him on the cheek. At that moment though, Light Yagami walked in.

"Oh, am I interrupting?" he asked.

"No, why?" Akahana asked, proving the kiss innocent to Ryuzaki, but odd to Light.


Light frowned, perplexed, as he carefully evaluated the scene in his mind. Long hours on the internet over the years had taught him that the only parts which women should rightfully orally service were genitalia. What was Akahana doing, stimulating Ryuzaki's cheekbone like that?

"They want to speak to you," Light replied.

Akahana and Ryuzaki followed Light into the living room. Ryuzaki sat in his odd position on the couch next to Akahana.


Hey, so, quick question for ya, DancingSamurai: Where is this all taking place again? For all we know, the characters could be conversing in a summer beach residence rented to them by a white supremacist family who uses it to house all the enslaved Japanese people they've trafficked.

"Akahana, what do you think about the case?" Light's dad asked.

"Well, what I think is something you have probably already figured out," she said.


So she went home and the series progressed as originally intended. The End.

"No, tell us what you think," he ordered gently.

"All right," Akahana complied rebelliously.

"Well, I know he's a student for a fact, and the relative of one of the Kira investigators. Ryuzaki sent me some pictures via email, a pen, notebook sheet with a few of the names of dead criminals, and four of the notes they wrote. He said that you all thought that Kira wrote the notes and in the notebook with that pen, but that can't be.

Um, hold on a minute...

Yes, it's the same shipment of ink, but there are no fingerprints on any of them,"

Hey, slow down...!

she paused to take a breath and a sip of tea.

Thank you. I need a moment to sort this o--

"Look at the size of the writing, the thickness of the lines differ, Ryuzaki said Kira sent these to you. He's trying to make focus on something unimportant, he's throwing you off," she concluded.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. So Akahana thinks Kira is a student and is related to one of the investigators because... AIDS is bad, I guess. And then Ryuzaki thinks that some notes were sent to the task force by Kira, who is trying to throw the police off by writing with different pens that have no fingerprints on them and use the same ink, by Akahana's logic. Okay, I think I understand. These clues can only point to one possible conclusion: DancingSamurai liked to lick the colorful paints off her toy cars when she was a child. Case closed.

"How do you figure Kira is a boy," asked Light.

"Well, he hasn't killed any woman, has he?" she replied. Light shrugged.


You're right. He's killed women. Or, you know, Kira could be a man-hating feminist.

"Amazing," Chief Yagami said, "It's the same pen ink, but different nib, so it can't be traced."

"How did you see that?" Matsuda squinted at the evidence lying on the table.

"45/20 vision," said Ryuzaki, with an admiring look in his eye, none of them had ever seen before.


Holy motherfucking bitchcock, that's amazing! Here's to hoping that she can also shit out GOLD DIAMONDS and JESUS! Then she'll be the most amazingest person in the history of ever!

He seemed to be happy next to Akahana, and the look in his eyes grew stronger as Light sat down next to her, and she moved closer to L.



CHAPTER 2: STRAWBERRIES

 

Not included in this chapter: SOUL REAPERS.

________________________________________


"This is where you will sleep," Watari led Akahana to a room in between Ryuzaki's and Near's.


It was a kitchen with a worn-out cushion in one corner and some old newspapers to go potty on next to it.

She thanked him, and he left. She found clothes in a dresser, so she changed into pajamas, and sat on the cot, looking around the room. There was knock on the door.

"This is the police again. We have another warrant. This time for a strip search. So, uh, don't question it and let us in."

She got up and opened the door, to find Ryuzaki. He hadn't changed and it was ten pm.

"I know you have the same sleep pattern as me," he entered the room with a laptop in one hand, and a plate of strawberry shortcake in the other.


Oh God, Akahana, get out of there! Trust me, he's not worth the extra calories to your waistline or that marathon of Smallville he's going to force you to watch.

"You remembered," she smiled as he sat on the cot. She closed the door so as not to disturb anyone.

"It's only been three months," he commented, slicing a chunk of cake with his fork, and putting it in his mouth.

"Only? Well, it's great to see you again, I was afraid we were drifting," she admits.

"Course not, here, take this strawberry, that'll show you we're not drifting," he said, picking up the fruit between his forefinger and thumb.


As opposed to grabbing it between his clenched ass cheeks, I suppose.

"No thanks Ryuzaki," she replied, smiling.

"Really," he insisted.

"No, Ryuzaki, I just brushed my teeth, I'm fine," Akahana laughed at his stubbornness.


Son of a—Just eat his strawberry, damn you! ...W-wait, no, I didn't mean it like... um...

"For me?"

"No, really Ryuzaki-," Ryuzaki took held her face in one hand and put the strawberry in her mouth with the other. She swallowed it without chewing.


A whole strawberry, huh? Akahana seems pretty adept at swallowing things.

"Ryuzaki," she said sharply, "I have my retainer in!"

"What?" he asks.

"I can't eat with my retainer, Ryuzaki!" she told him. He put down the cake.


"Jumping jellybeans!" Ryuzaki exclaimed before puffing out his chest and declaring, "This looks like a job for... Heimlich Man-Euver!" He then leapt forward and delivered a bone-crushing kick into Akahana's abdomen, booming a hearty, "Wammy's Roundhouse!" Ryuzaki watched on in pride as the young woman doubled over and began to projectile vomit, glad he could prevent the consumption of food involving correctional dentistry.

"I'm sorry," he said, reaching to hug her sarcastically.

She let him hug her, but flung him to the floor when he pulled away. She hadn't expected him grabbing her wrist, and she fell on top of him. He tackled her to the ground playfully, like any friend would.


He then gave her a noogie and played bloody knuckles with her before confiding in her about this hot detective chick who he's known since childhood and whose mental image he masturbates over when they're separated, like any friend would.

By the way, weren't they already on the ground?

They laughed, and the Akahana used surprising strength to flip him over and pin him down. She laughed, and then collapsed on him, feeling a closeness she never felt with anyone.

"I missed you Ryuzaki, ever since you started the Kira investigation, I've been alone," she told him.


Then get a cat or something. Seriously, stop trying to be a detective just 'cause you're needy. You're not smart enough.

"I know, I'm sorry," he said, petting her touching her beautiful hair.

Damn, Ryuzaki must be, like, the busiest guy ever. Talking, petting, and touching hair? Next thing you know he's going to be walking and chewing bubblegum at the same time.

"Ahem," said some from the doorway. Akahana quickly rolled off Ryuzaki, and he helped her get up.

"Near," Ryuzaki said, blushing faintly.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asked, glancing from Akahana to Ryuzaki.


For Christ's sake. I half expect the next time these two have some sort of moment together, they're going to look up and find an entire stadium has been built around them with an audience size to match that of the Super Bowl's, with the color commentator asking over the speakers, "Are we interrupting something, or is it half-time?"

"No," Akahana answered, "What's up?"

"Well, I thought I heard Ryuzaki laugh," Near told them.

"I did," Ryuzaki assured him.

"Wait, you laughed?" Near asked. Ryuzaki nodded.


Even the characters in the story are amazed at how horribly their personalities are portrayed.

"Wow, just wanted to make sure I wasn't imagining things. G'night," Near closed the door.

Twenty minutes later:

Ryuzaki nearly jumped off the toilet in alarm when the bathroom door was blown aside with an earsplitting crash. He stared in shock and mortification at a perfectly unfazed Near standing in the middle of the doorway.

"Wow, you really are taking a shit. Just making sure I wasn't imagining things when I was peeping underneath the door. Well, g'night!" chirped Near as he departed.

"You don't laugh?" Akahana asked Ryuzaki as they sat back down on the bed.

"Not really, I've only really laughed with you," Ryuzaki flirted accidentally. Akahana smiled at him, and kissed him on the cheek again, like before, and she went right back to doing something, so he knew it was innocent.


If you want to know what exactly Akahana was doing that made Ryuzaki deem the kiss as innocent, call DancingSamurai at her toll-free number now and pay only six easy installments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling to get your very own Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend: Ultimania Guide!



CHAPTER 3: FLIRTING

________________________________________


The next morning, Ryuzaki awoke on Akahana's floor.


Dazed, holding a bloody knife in one hand, covered in vomit...

He glanced at the clock that read 7:30 am. He had gotten probably two hours of sleep that night, but felt well rested. He stood up, and saw Akahana playing on the laptop.

"What are you doing?" he asked curiously, sitting close behind her to watch over her shoulder.


Wha--? But you just noted she was playing on the laptop! You really suck at this whole "short-term memory" deal, dude.

"I'm just playing a game," she answered. Ryuzaki knew the game, he had played it. It was an I Spy game, a detective one. He looked at the hint bar, and saw she had used none, though on level thirty.

"I Spy Detective Edition, Level 30 Bonus Round": Ted Bundy is to Rape and Murder-by-Bludgeoning as Embezzlement is to _______. (DLC provided by Scholastic Inc.)

"I like that game," Ryuzaki told her, still watching over her shoulder.

"Me too," she said, as she finished the level, she turned her head to see Ryuzaki, or rather, gaze cross-eyed into his brown eyes, for he was extremely close.


Hey, so about that whole Kira thing...

She turned away, saved her game, and closed the laptop.

"I need to shower," she declared, getting a pair of jeans and t-shirt out of the dresser.

"Me too," he agreed and went to his room, thinking how stupid he was for getting that close to her.


Getting closer than twenty meters to anything sporting a vagina has always terrified Ryuzaki. But that wall with the glory hole between his room and the girls' shower makes it all okay!

"Stupid, stupid, what if I kissed her accidentally or something," he mumbled when his door was closed and locked behind him.

Then maybe we can finally put an end to all that nonsense involving yaoi pairings with Light.

"So you do like her!" said a familiar from the closet.

"Ah!" Ryuzaki yelped, and jumped, seeing Near exit his closet. "What are you doing in here Near!"


Near: Oh, whoops. I'm not interrupting by any chance, am I—Oh, Akahana's not with you. Huh. That didn't quite go as I expected... Awwwwkwaaaard.

"Well, I thought I would just ask you if you liked her, but you just made it a whole lot easier for me," the young man turned to leave the room, but Ryuzaki caught his sleeve.

"Why do you care? Not saying I do," Ryuzaki said.

"Well, I liked her, but didn't want to be the only one flirting, so now that I know you have a crush on her, I can flirt," he answered simply.


Wow, Near, way to go against the Bro Code.

"You better not," warned Ryuzaki.

"Why? You're flirting," Near told him.


And failing. Shit, I've seen comatose burn victims flirt better.

"One: I am not flirting with her, we are just friends, and Two: since we are friends, I need to protect her," Ryuzaki listed.

"Fine, don't worry, I won't flirt as much as you, geez," Near said, turning to leave.


Seriously, guys, Kira's probably killing people by the hundreds as we speak. Shouldn't we, ah, y'know, be focusing on that--

N-no? Talking about flirting? Oh... All right then...

"Don't Near, or you'll be off this case in a split second," Ryuzaki said truthfully.

Your priorities all seem to be in order, Ryuzaki. Good for you.

This caught Near's attention.

"Fine, I won't flirt at all, but we all know you love her," Near exited the room, leaving Ryuzaki feeling totally embarrassed.

During breakfast, everyone was quiet, even Matsuda who tried to create talk. They ate their meal in silence, but Chief Yagami said something that broke the silence.


"I want to flirt with Akahana, too!"

"Akahana, this headquarters is rather large, how about you explore it a bit before beginning work."

That's what I said to my girlfriend yesterday. Only replace the name "Akahana" with my girlfriend's name and the word "headquarters" with "penis." Works like a charm every time. Somehow.

"All right," she agreed, and took her empty cereal bowl to the dishwasher, excused herself and walked out of the room. Ryuzaki watched his friend go until she was out of sight, turning to a hallway.

"Now, Ryuzaki. We have some serious business to talk about," Chief Yagami told him. Light looked at Near, who chuckled.


Near: Heheheheh. Good thinking, DancingSamurai. Reel the readers in with dialogue that vaguely suggests the story is going somewhere first, and then slam them with more pointless banter. You tease!

"Yes," Ryuzaki said, ignoring the two chuckling young men.

"There's a rumor going around," Yagami tried to look very serious, "That you have a thing for Akahana."


Of course... Shit, is anything going to happen? Like, I don't know, people dying, or some genuine fucking romance?!

"What!" Ryuzaki exclaimed. Everyone laughed, including the Chief.

Ha ha! Man, good times. Years from now, they'll look back on this moment and realize how many people died while they did absolutely nothing. Ah, stories for the grandkids, I tell ya.

"Don't get so uptight, Ryuzaki, we're messing with you, but seriously, that is the rumor," Chief Yagami said, trying to make light of the investigation.

Hell, did People magazine run it in one of their articles? What was the headline? "Antisocial Teen Dream Brainiac Has Crush On Dumb Bimbo"?

"Well I don't, all right!" Ryuzaki said, his face blushing slightly and voice a bit louder than usual.

"Yeah you do," contradicted Light and Near. Near pulled a digital camera out of his pocket, and pressed the play button.


Some footage depicting Ryuzaki masturbating over a sleeping Akahana began to roll.

They all watched as Near played the video of Akahana falling on top of Ryuzaki, them pinning each other to the ground, and finally when she collapsed on his chest and he touched her hair. Now that Ryuzaki watched it, it seemed an awful lot like flirting.

I honestly don't see what all this noise is about. Flirting is so troublesome. If you really want her, Ryuzaki, just put some roofies in her drink. Problem solved.

"And you don't have a thing for her," Matsuda said sarcastically.

"I don't see what's so wrong about that video! And for Christ's Sake why are you grown men going on about this?" Ryuzaki wanted to know.


This is actually a legit question. But god-fucking-damn, what the cuntshit was up with the foul fucking language, bitchface?

"We're bored Ryuzaki, and thought it was just a rumor, but seeing your reaction and that video, it's hard to believe you don't not like her," Matsuda answered him.

Have fun telling the families of Kira's victims that you didn't catch him earlier because you were bored and got distracted by some bullshit high school relationship drama between one of your investigators and his totally-not-girlfriend.

Ryuzaki left the table and went to find Akahana.
 


CHAPTER 4: BRIGHT RED FLOWER

________________________________________


"Ryuzaki!" a scared Akahana exclaimed as Ryuzaki entered the large library.


In her panic, Akahana hastily hopped off the half-naked Matsuda, who looked from the stunned lad to the shamefaced girl before inquiring innocently, "Am I interrupting something?"

"Hey, Akahana," Ryuzaki said.

"What's up, you seem annoyed?" she asked him.


It's only natural. Wouldn't you be annoyed if your personality was mercilessly raped in a mediocre fanfiction?

"Oh, just some stuff with the others, nothing really major," He anwered her.

This story's plotline in a nutshell...

She nodded, her midnight blue eyes glittered when the sun caught them. Ryuzaki smiled, looking down at the floor, then stood behind her to see what she was reading.

Detective Work For Dummies, read the title of the book.

"It's a book about solving equations," she showed the young man standing close behind her, looking over her shoulder.

"Are you still having problems with those?" he wanted to know. Akahana was a genius, though she struggled with certain equations.


That's like saying, "Bob was a master chef, but boiling water was quite a task for him!"

"I'm pretty much set on them, I mean, I still hate them, but I can do them," she answrered, putting the book back in the empty space on the shelf.

"Well, I hate vegetables, but you can't live without those," Ryuzaki said sarcastically. She nodded.

 

Obviously not quite sure how else to respond to that bizarre non sequitur.

He showed her the other rooms she would need to know, like the bathroom, music room, break room...

The TV room, the game room, the computer room, the observatory room, the front yard room, the secret T-Virus research lab room, Silent Hill 4: The Room, Tommy Wiseau's The Room...

The headquarters was a rather large place with varity of rooms. He showed her where to find a phone, and how to call someone, for she had never used a phone before, and didn't know how.

I'm so glad teams of highly-educated and skilled individuals are employed to catch the worst criminals in this world.

"So this is the music room?" she asked, stepping into an almost empty room with a piano in the center. He nodded, noticing her eyes light up when they saw the grand piano. He closed the door behind them.

Ryuzaki: Perfect. Plan to lure the self-insert into a secluded room by showing her a shiny novelty: successful. Once she's dead, we can get back to the canon storyline.

"Want to play?"

"Really! sure," she said, wanting to show him the songs she had memorized.


This moment would go down in history as the day that Mary Had A Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Santa Baby were butchered beyond all recognition.

The played simple peices from the book at first, then ones that they both had memorized from taking piano lessons together.

I really wish I had taken some piano lessons. Maybe I would be a much better musician if I'd learned a varity of peices [sic].

Though Akahana was better than Ryuzaki, she made to comment, only played the music. This was another reason Ryuzaki was attracted to her; she was modest. He knew that one of the others surely would have commented if they were better than him.

When they finished, he said: "Bright, red flower."


Uh, okay. Wait, let me try it:

"Dull, dumb story."

Hey, it is fun to say random four-syllable phrases!

She blushed, knowing what he was reffering to: her name. "We better go," she suggested, and followed Ryuzaki back to the living room.



CHAPTER 5: TEMPERS FLARE


Whoa! This chapter title actually seems to convey some hope that something interesting will finally happen! Please don't burn me again, fic.

________________________________________


Akahana sat on the floor, leaning against Ryuzaki's seat, listening to the men talk.

"Well, we have to be open to the possibiltity!"

"But he didn't do it!"


"He couldn't have spread it to me! The furthest we've gone is oral, and that doesn't count!"

"He could have!" They argued back and forth. They were talking about the invetigators families, how they might be involved. Akahana had her own suspicions about Light,

According to another display of Akahana's irrefutable logic, Light is possibly Kira because Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States.

but kept quiet for awhile until saying:

"The family of the department can hack into their husbands' or wifes' computer and get evidence, that's the only way Kira could be doing this mass murder.


Er, the only way Kira can kill people is to obtain evidence that the convicted criminals are... guilty?

Once something went into that computer, Kira knew about it, and fixed his flaws. When you people stopped putting things in computers, what happened?

They stopped operating properly? The world became a better place once it was released from the slimy grip of the internet?

Kira stopped getting information so he couldn't update his system when you figured something out. He's a student and a family member,"

Or he could just be a clever hacker. Or she could be a clever hacker. Really, the possibilities are endless.

Everyone looked at her, but didn't feel the least uncomfortable.

Mostly because they'd heard all this nonsense before and decided to pay her ramblings no mind.

"How do we know we're not Kira!" asked Chief Yagami angrily, not wanting to admit to the possibility that one of his family members- papticulary his son- could be Kira.

So it would be a little better if the suspicion were to fall on papticulary his wife or daughter?

"I don't know how to prove to you that I am not Kira," she answered truthfully, "But I do know that even if it were my family, I'd suspect them too, and this is coming from an orphan who's brother is in jail."

Good Lord above, trying to follow the reasoning in this story is like trying to win the gold medal in the Olympic 100-meter dash when you're a morbidly obese quadriplegic half-buried in quicksand. Also, you're dead.

The men looked at her, unsure. Light sighed, and so did his father.

"I appreciate your honesty, Akahana, but unlike you, I have and love a family," Chief Yagami said shaprly. She looked at him, and bit her lip.

"Yes, and unlike you, I can admit when the one I love makes a huge mistake," Akahana told him, then left the room.


No! Come back here, you bitch! You don't get to leave this story before I do! THIS ENTIRE THING IS ALL YOUR FAULT GODDAMN IT!



CHAPTER 6: RUEFULLY FRIENDS

I really wish the author would stop promoting her new edition of the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus.

Ryuzaki found Akahana in her room, sitting on her floor. She looked at him, but they were both silent. Ryuzaki sat down next to her.

"Did I make things bad?" she asked, looking at the floor in front of her.


Honey, you have no idea. You ever read that one story you messed up? It was... uh, what was the name...? Oh! Now I remember! "Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend"!

"Uncomfortable, awkard, and Yagami is pretty thrown off, but otherwise, it's all good." She smiled, though there was no sarcasm in his voice.

"I was just frustrated, but meant it, he can't admit that his son might be Kira, I can understand why, but he could drop out of the investigation if he wanted," Akahana sighed, disappointed with herself for losing her reasonable temer.

"At least you didn't completely blow on him like the last guy," Ryuzaki comforted.


Ryuzaki's right. Akahana really blew on the last guy, all right.

 

Taking the high road with that joke.

"What happened to that guy?" Akahana asked him.

"Oh, he yelled at Yagami about something, I don't know what because I wasn't paying attention until he threw my cake at Yagmi, then he stormed out, resigned the next day," Ryuzaki answered.

"What was his name?"

"We can't tell anyone his name, because the police are trying to track him down for assault, he threw the plate too," Ryuzaki added.


*gasp* You can't mean... The-Plate-Thrower-That-Must-Not-Be-Named! The devil strikes again!

"Ouch," she commented.

I feel ya, darling. That logic hurt my brain, too.

"Anyway, my point, you're not going to be thrown off the case, we've all had our bad moments," Ryuzaki took her hand and gave it a slight squeeze, smiling at her.

"Even you?" she asked, surprised.


Ryuzaki: I... might have lost my temper at one point and accused all black people of being Kira... Wish I'd at least said "black people" at the time... Anywho, yeah, got into a lot of trouble for that.

"Yeah, in fact, I kinda lost mine this morning," Ryuzaki laughed. She looked at thim, her head tilted, not believing him. She looked cute, and Ryuzaki wished she would kiss him again.

"What about?"

"Um...About? I um... was upset because Near had, um, recorecorded when we, uh, tackled each other the day, and showed it to everyone, after you left," He blushed, so he looked away.

"So?"

"They said we were flirting."


"Can you imagine!? I'd be straight if we did that!"

"Oh. Ryuzaki, if that's what you're worried about- I wasn't-," she started, but Ryuzaki cut her off.

"Yeah, I know. I mean were friends," Ryuzaki felt something in his heart twinge, like he regretted saying "friends."


He then felt something in his gut twist painfully, and he regretted adding that "Colon-'Splosion" mix to the hot chocolate he drank at breakfast.

"Right, and no one can take that away from us. You're my friend and I'm yours, a camera can't mock us for playing," she said. Akahana felt the same twinge in her heart, but didn't say anything, instead she just swallowed.

Too easy, fic.

"Right," Ryuzaki replied, still holding her hand.



CHAPTER 7: SHINIGAMI AND CAMERAS


Oh boy! I hope this means Shinigami camwhores in this chapter. It's the only thing that'll make me want to read more!

________________________________________


Ryuzaki and Akahana entered the living room, hand in hand, but quickly separated when everyone looked at them.

"Yagami-," Akahana started.


Heavens, I hope she doesn't blow on the guy.

"No, Akahana, I need to apologize. I have been a little protective and close minded when it comes to my family, but that is only expected. I am ready to accept the fact that a criminal is a criminal, no matter what," Yagami told her. Ryuzaki could have sworn he saw light clench his fists when he said this.

GUILTY! Caught red-handed, douchebag! Take the lamp into custody! Heheh, geddit? See, 'cause clenched fists and "red-handed," plus Light's name wasn't, um, wasn't properly capitalized...? Uh... THIS STORY IS AWFUL!

"Thank you, Yagami, but I really didn't need to be sharp with you," Akahana, as always, wanted to blame something on herself.

What a self-sacrificing, noble soul of self-sacrifice and nobility. <:')

"But if you hadn't of been, I wouldn't be as accepting. I can see even more now why Ryuzaki is attra-," Yagami started.

"Ahem, Yagami, I think it should be time we get back to the case?"


Oh no, please, don't trouble yourself. Take your time. Ignore the mass graves where half the readers now call their final resting spot after committing suicide from all that inane crap from before. Just keep up the good work you've been doing up 'til now.

Ryuzaki interrupted him, siganling to him to stop talking. Yagami nodded slightly.

"Right, the case. I took in concideration your statement about families of the Kira investigators, and put cameras and chips in everyones houses, so we can watch them," Yagami informed the detectives.


Yagami: I've scheduled it so that I have nighttime bedroom and whenever-a-female-goes-to-the-bathroom shifts. With my longtime experience working as a detective, I feel I can investigate these settings the best.

"Wait, Yagami, you have a wife and daughter, and so do the rest of us," Matsuda said.

"I know, I thought that we would watch everyone for a week.


Well don't say that if Light's a suspect and in the same room as you, asshole!

But don't worry about vialation or anything, I thought that Akahana would watch over our wives and daughters," Yagami nodded toward Akahana, who took a deep breath.

'Finally,' Akahana thought, 'I can confirm whether or not other women have a third nipple like me.'

"But what are we actually looking for them to do?" Matsuda wanted to know.

"I have been reading and studying myths about Kira," Akahana told them, "And i have come to the conclusion that we are looking for someone to write in a notebook, possibly be talking to someone- a Shinigami maybe.


Huh? Hey wait, what myths about Kira? Why would there even be myths about him using supernatural notebooks? Where did she research them? How did she find the time in the last two days she's been here doing everything BUT work on the case? Hold up, I gotta ask the author this.

Yo, DancingSamurai, what's up with all these plot contrivances—

DancingSamurai: Keep asking me things and I'll cut you.

See if they write in something mysterious, or open something a mysterious way."

How does one open something in a mysterious way? I unzip my fly with a lighter; does that count?

"A Shinigami?" asked Ryuzaki, "A death god?"

"Yes," she replied, looking at the people who were looking at her, Light was not present though.

"Well, we'll tell you if wesee any floating apples," Yagami assured. She smiled.


Akahana: *thinking* Oh shit! These people actually believed me when I mentioned Shinigami, and now they're telling me they see levitating fruit?! Just keep smiling, Akahana, just keep smiling...

"I didn't even say that Shinigami like apples, you've been looking into that too," she laughed.

"Well, like you said, I need to be open in accepting all possibilities," Yagami smiled at her. He glanced at Ryuzaki who was looking at her with an expression of gratitude and love in his eyes. He smiled at the young man in love, but didn't say anything.


For a second I was going to make a joke that Chief Yagami was gay, but I think I've already harped on how much DancingSamurai sucks with word placement enough as it is.



CHAPTER 8: PERCENTAGES

Current Reader Mortality Rate: 72%

Chance of Surviving Story: 0.0000000003%

________________________________________


Akahana watched Matsuda's wife prepare dinner, and then yell at her sons for jumping on the couch. She was bored out of her mind, and looked to other live recordings. They were doing nothing suspicious, except adding a bit too much salt to some sauce.


On closer examination, the method with which they used to salt their food was mysterious.

She sighed.

"Hey, Akahana," she looked over her shoulder to see Near standing in the dorway, then come in and sit next to her. She looked back at the TV's and greeted him.

"Why aren't you back in the Boy camera room?" she asked.

"I was told I could take a break, and could come in here as long as I didn't watch the cameras," Near told her, looking at her dreamily.


This is exactly what I imagine Near would say and do. Exactly.

"Heh, I wish I could, but there's no other girl to take my place," Akahana said, her brain frying from boredness,

Jesus Christ... No, DancingSamurai, I don't believe it. Sorry. I refuse to accept that you don't even know the word "boredom."

then she spotted something different on one of the TV's, and got closer to it. looking.

This is like the. best style. of. writing. ev.er.

"What is it? Should call Yagami?" Near asked.

"Control your ADD, Akahana," she muttered to herself,


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh... Oh my God... That was priceless... Never mind all that I said earlier, this story is absolute gold!

the told Near, "No, it was just a cartoon, it looked familair to me, and it was, because it was something I used to watch a long time ago."

"You've got ADD?" he said, smiling.

"Sometimes, but it's not as bad as it was a few years ago," she answered. He thought about this. How could this beautiful, detective have an ADD thing, even if it was't that bad?


Aaaaaand back to puffing on my joint again.

"It was caused by traumatic events, Near, please stop thinking about it," she said, not even glancing at him.

I'm glad the author spent so much of her time doing tedious, eye-straining research into the subjects that appear in her stories. Too bad they're completely wrong, though.

"How did you...?" he asked.

"You were silent, usually people make comments, so I thought it was a sixty five percent chance you were thinking about it, and I was right."


I don't think it's ADD that Akahana is afflicted with, it's short-term memory loss. Near did make a comment, not a few lines ago. Oh, and also stupidity, because what else is he going to be thinking about three seconds after you randomly mention that you have ADD?

"You like percents as much as Ryuzaki?"

"I use them when needed.

"What if I said there was a ninety nine percent chance I loved you?" Near asked as Ryuzaki entered the room.


Then there will be a 300% chance that I'll end my life by castrating myself with a safety pin and succumbing to the excruciating pain and blood loss. Compared to reading this story, it seems so peaceful and easy...



CHAPTER 9: CAMERAS AND THE KIRA (MAYBE)

This is where the story starts to get a little better (not really).

________________________________________


"Near!" Ryuzaki said sharply.

"Ryuzaki! I..." Near tried to exlpain. Akahana wasn't allowed to look away from the screens.


Because she was a woman! No wait, that's not how the joke goes...

"You said you wouldn't!" Ryuzaki came towards Near, and picked him up with surprising strength.

"Ryuzaki! Put me down you sadistic jerk!" ordered Near, hitting his back with fists.


Ryuzaki: I told you not to throw fists at people, either! That does it, say goodbye to these fists for the rest of the afternoon, mister!

"Go away," and Ryuzaki slammed the door in his face. He sat down next to Akahana.

"What was that?" Akahana asked.

"I told not to...flirt with you, cause I knew you didn't feel he same way towards him, and I didn't want him to ruin your friendship with him," Ryuzaki lied, and thought 'nice save.'


That save was nice in the same capacity as the Westboro Baptist Church is an advocate for homosexual rights.

"You're right. It be kind of awkward around Near. Thanks Ryuzaki, but next time, can you be gentler?" she said, smiling.

That's what my girlfriend said to me last night. Except replace the name "Ryuzaki" with "Ultra Master 3000."

"Yeah," Ryuzaki said, taking her hand in a friendly way, but his face feeling warm anyway.

"Akahana! Ryuzak-!" came Matsuda's voice, then a slam at the door. Ryuzaki went and opened it, seeing Matsuda holding his shoulder in pain.

"What happened?" Ryuzaki asked/


That guy is so stupid he probably ran right into the door while it was lo--

"I...The door...It was locked, I ran right into it," Matsuda answered.

You son of a bitch.

"What is it?" asked the girl.

"It's the cameras, we think we found who might be Kira!"


Matsuda: Personally, I think it's that no-good rat Matsuda.

CHAPTER 9: ANAGRAM

As we all know, the number nine is immediately followed by another nine.

"Who?" asked Akahana, turning around, away from the TV's.

"We think it might be... Light Yagami," Matsuda answered. Ryuzaki and Akahana exchanged looks, and followed Matsuda into the other room.


You think it might be?! The hell?! You have the damn footage taken from the cameras planted specifically in his room! What, are you worried he might have been rehearsing for a play where he kills people by writing their names in a notebook?

"This is the recording," Yagami said, as it were any other criminal, not his son, though there was slight regret in his voice.

No more secret late-night excursions into Light's room while his son is sleeping for Chief Yagami.

They watched as they replayed. Light was in his room, and opened a drawer on his desk. He pushed a pencil under it, and the a plank of wood came up, and he pulled out a black notebook the said 'Death Note' in creepy lettering.

So creepy was the notebook's writing that it instantaneously entered into the category of mysterious. At last, the perpetrator had been revealed thanks to hard evidence!

He then opened the notebook, and turned to a half filled page, then turned on his TV, which was on a news channel. Light waited a moment, and then they showed the face of a man who killed his son. Light looked down at the notebook, and started writing.

Dear Death Note,

Today was a special day. After I came home from University, I went to that cute sushi place. The waitress was really nice, and I think she was trying to flirt with me. Skank. The meal was excellent as always though, so I can't complain. This quaint haven is the only place in town where I can enjoy the delicacies of uni and cat nipple sushi while writing my Inuyasha and Transformers crossover slash fanfiction without discrimination. Those damned brats at school always tease me! Stupid, brainless, unrefined, uncultured bottom-feeders! They don't understand me... Except him, of course.
♥♥♥Johnny♥♥♥ His eyes are so gorgeous, almost as gorgeous as Ryuzaki's. Decisions, decisions... Anyway, I just watched the news about a guy who killed his own son! What is wrong with the world today? Why can't we all just be friends?

Love,
Light Yagami


Forty seconds later, Light died of a heart attack.

"This is another angle," Matsuda said, pointing to a TV that showed Light writing the mans' name in the journal. The notebook paper looked like the one they had been sent. A message appeared 40 seconds later, saying the man had mysteriously died of a heart attack. Like all the other victims.

The news works fast in Japan. I expect that if I were there and turned the TV on, I'd find a reporter on the scene of a violent rape as it's taking place, with the rapist smiling and waving at the camera.

Akahana suddenly grew tense.

"He needs a name and face to kill. Did any of you tell him your name?" Ryuzaki asked.

"He knows mine," Yagami said.


Oh sweet Christ, if Light even knows his own father's name and face, no one is safe!

"He knows my first name," Matsuda offered. Near shook his, agreeing with Matsuda.

...His what? His vagina lips? How would shaking those or anything else down there mean he's in agreement?

"Akahana?" Ryuzaki asked, turning to his friend.

"I..." she started, "He saw my drivers license, but I used an a anagram for it."

"Do anagrams count?" asked Yagami, suddenly fearful for this young woman.


Um, I'd be a little more concerned about the fact that my son is most probably a maniacal serial killer than anything else at that particular moment...

"I don't know," Ryuzaki said.

"Wait! Look! Akahana, he's writing your name!" informed Matsuda urgently, fear in his voice. Forty seconds came, and went. Akahana was fine.


((A/N: Just ignore that unimportant detail in the first part of the story where Ryuzaki introduces her with her real name.))

"Oh my God," Ryuzaki murmmered, thinking how lucky she was.

You know what's really lucky? Me not getting an aneurysm from the retarded logic of this story. Why didn't Light just write her name the moment she came into the picture?

He took her hand and pulled her close, hugging her tightly, thinking how devastated he would be if he had lost her. She hugged tighter, and a tear slid down her face, and dissolved in his shirt.

Who knew the evil murderer you're trying to catch would attempt to murder you.

The others watched, not judging, recording, or laughing at the rumor that was supposedly true, but feeling empathy for these two people.

"I was so scared," she murmmered.

"Me too, Akahana, me too," Ryuzaki agreed, and didn't losen his grip on her.


Now you just need a dictionary to go with your thesaurus and complete the set, DancingSamurai.

"I need to go get my son," Yagami said, his voice cracking.



CHAPTER 10:

Ryuzaki sat on the floor, looking at the evidence.


Well that's not a very engaging chapter title at all.

Yagami and Matsuda had gone to get his son, and Near had disappeared, somewhere in the headquarters. Akahana sat down near him on the floor, with cocoa. She handed him a mug, and he thanked her. They were silent, looking at the paper, pen and notes, unsure whether they should be happy they caught who was supposedly Kira, or sad for it might be Yagami's son.

"I don't know what to feel, Akahana," Ryuzaki said, feeling joyous and guilty.


Now you know.

"Ditto," she commented, and they were silent. She set her cocoa on the coffee table, and moved close to Ryuzaki. She looked at his eyes, which were clearly trying to ignore hers, trying to ignore the fact that she was close to him.

His nose was trying to ignore her too, for she smelled like a hobo's gangrenous asshole that hasn't been washed in over a decade.

She leaned and kissed his cheek, then went back to her seat. He looked at her, and they locked eyes. This time, Ryuzaki moved closer to her, and kissed her on the cheek. He moved quickly, and blushed very red, but it quickly faded.

They were silent.


Akahana: ...Soooo, that's it, huh? And here I thought you were hot for me. I would'a let you ride me like a Harley Davidson, too, but whatever.

Near looked ran down the hallway away from the living room, where he had just recorded Ryuzaki and Akahana kissing each other, even if just on the cheek, he knew this video would come in handy.

Glad you could throw in a side of "humor" to the jarring tonal mishmash this situation already has to offer, Near.

"Oh my God!" Ryuzaki and Akahana exclaimed a spilt second apart, and locked eyes, "It's not Light!"

"We know because World War II officially ended in 1945!"

At that moment, Yagami and Matsuda entered, with Light. Yagami looked down at the floor.

"Yagami!" they exclaimed. "It's not Light!"

"What?" The two men asked. Light nodded gratefully.


And that's when he grinned at the successful trickery he had played and wrote all their names in the Death Note, right?

"It's his girlfriend. She knew that he could get info from the computer, and since he loves her, he did it for her.

Whatever the hell happened to Misa anyway? Seriously, story, you're just gonna pull her out of your ass at the last minute like this?

She then instructed him to do things at certain times. She gave him the a page from the notebook, and that's what he sent you. The pen, its nibs were switched, rememeber?

Not really... Ugh, every time one of these bullshit paragraphs of their bullshit reasoning comes on, I get a gigantic bullshitting migraine that only a silo of Tylenol can relieve.

When Light wrote something, I noticed the nib wasn't secured. it was the pen the Misa gave him! It's her!"

So why couldn't Light have just switched the pen nibs himself, again?

Akahana said. Ryuzaki nodded, though he thought that Light's teacher had did it, this made much more sense.

I guess Light's teacher taught mysteriously.

"Thank you!" Light cried happily, finally not being accused for the crime he did not commit.

Um, excuse me, but even if you're persuaded by love or whatever to commit a crime, you still committed the crime. Hello? Hello, is anyone listening to me? Hey, I'm talking here! Anyone!?

"Are you sure?" Yagami asked them. They nodded, including Light. Yagami had learned to trust Ryuzaki's statements, and he felt the same trust in Akahana.

"Where's your girlfriend, Light?" Matsuda asked him.

"Probably at her house," Light answered.

"Good, Mastuda, Light, you come with me, Ryuzaki and Akahana, thank you," Yagami smiled, though felt bad for Light, his girlfriend being a mass murderer.


Oh man, I can totally relate. A few of my buddies have really bad apples on their arms. One's a drug dealer, another's a convicted child molester, and yet another is a KKK member! Shit kinda sucks. I mean, what do you say to them?

When they left, Ryuzaki said: "I still think he doesn't understand the Shinigami and notebook thing, Akahana, and I don't either."

How on Earth did you become L, Ryuzaki? You're dumber than a decapitated sheep.

"Well, it's hard to believe, death gods and killer notebooks, but I am ninety nine point nine percent certain that Misa is Kira," Akahana replied.

"Hey Ryuzaki!" Near said from the hallway.

"Yes?" Ryuzaki asked, turning towards Near.

"Ryuzaki and Akahana, sitting in a tree- K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" and Near ran out into the hallway.


Oh Near, you bundle of joy and shitfuck retardation.

It took him a second to realize what he meant.

Ryuzaki: Holy guacamole! Near spelled "kissing"! He thinks I like... *whisper* women!

"Stupid thirteen year old," he muttered under his breath.

"Wait, 13!" Akahana exclaimed. Ryuzaki nodded. "A 13 yeard old hit on me?"


You've got to be kidding me...

"Yes, apparently..." Ryuzaki said, pretending to act like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Ryuzaki! I'm 17! Oh my God!" Akahana was disgusted.


Please have mercy, fanfic. Just end.

"Yeah, well I'm older," teased Ryuzaki.

Are you there, God? I know I don't talk to You much, and I'm really sorry. Please just answer this one prayer: Please send Dick Cheney to my room with a loaded rifle right this second.

"Only by a year," Akahana returned, sitting near him on the floor again, like they had before.

"Eh," Ryuzaki shrugged. He knew he was going to do it, he just needed to know when himself.


He's going to kill himself and Akahana to quickly get the story over with? Claim redemption, Ryuzaki!

"I mean, a 13 year old boy, hitting on a 17 year old girl, how odd is-" Akahana started.

Ryuzaki caught her around the waist, and they fell to the floor. He kissed her passionately, their lips moving to an inaudible tick,


Which turned out to be a bomb timer. The bomb exploded, killing everyone. STORY OVER.

then he pulled away, sitting back in his original position, blushing like mad, but happy with himself. She looked at him, then sat at his side, and held his hand, not as a friend though, not as a friend.

Akahana allowed the smallest of smiles to curve her lips for a split second, overwhelmed with such a powerful surge of pride and triumph that it was all she could do to suppress the fit of giggles threatening to erupt. Near would kill himself in a matter of moments. He had done as she had specified, intruding for a few seconds in order to draw Ryuzaki's attention away so that Akahana could hastily scrawl his name on the slip of paper hidden in the secret compartment of her watch. The Death Note never failed. As Ryuzaki became limp beside her, she couldn't help but laugh out loud. She was not his friend. She was not his lover. She was Kira, his murderer, and she had won.

THIS IS MY FIRST FANFICTION! DO NOT BE MEAN IN COMMENTS, I AM STILL SORTA NEW AT WRITING ROAMNCES. SORRY THE CHAPTERS WERE NOT SEPARATED PROPERLY, I AM NEW HERE ALSO. :D


I GAVE YOUR STORY A GREAT REVIEW, DON'T'CHA THINK? WELCOME TO FANFICTION! :D


 

Whew, it's finally over. I truly believed that this story would be the end of all of us, what with the plot inconsistencies, gross mischaracterization, asinine attempts at reasoning bullshit, hammy dialogue, stretched-out scenes that went nowhere, and abundant canon rape. But we made it! I'm glad to declare us survivors, and I personally congratulate—

...Guys? Guys. Hey, answer me! Wake up!

No... N-No! How... How could you all die? How could you leave me alone!? Am I really the only one left?

Curse you, fanfiction, curse you! Your vile, murderous rampages never cease to bring destruction and suffering upon the world and all who live within it! You demon! I have nothing left; you have taken everything that is dear and precious to me! What path do I walk now...?

Ho, what's this? The lethargy, the tightness in my lungs...? I see. The stove I forgot to turn off earlier has finally released enough gas to fill up my entire residence. The good Lord has answered my pleas. As I die, I leave... only my physical form... and pain... behind... in this desolate, fanfic-ravaged world...

...Oh... merciful stove gas... where... were... you... ten chapters... ago...?

Better.... late than... never... I guess....

 

-Written by Protto.