This review was sent in to me by a newbie in the world of fanfiction mockery who asked that I credit him under the name 'Styles Rockman'. To say this guy is ambitious would be an understatement! For his first work, he went up against a lengthy Digimon fanfic titled "Mistakes", which features one of the most painfully convoluted plots I've read in recent memory. It awkwardly tells the story of young Sora, who runs away from home over a juvenile argument with her mother, then gets caught up in a whirlwind adventure that spans several years and a variety of bizarre settings, including a sequence in a mental hospital that plays out like an homage to Girl, Interrupted.

Styles Rockman takes this oftentimes incomprehensible piece of garbage out to the curb and beats it down hard, opening with a distinctly pitiless and unamused tone that he maintains throughout the review. His relative lack of finesse when it comes to tackling some more common complaints is offset by a gritty, no-bullshit approach that makes for a very entertaining read. And tack on some bonus points for Mr. Rockman's ability to juggle multiple running gags without ever falling prey to repetition.

At over 20 pages, "Mistakes" is currently the longest fanfiction review on this site. While it's perfectly understandable if you want to take a couple sittings to get through it, an extremely satisfying read will be the reward for anybody who can make it through this epic showdown between a promising newcomer and an exceptionally awful fanfic in one run. Best of luck. - Alex

 

 

Guest Special: "Mistakes"
(A 'Digimon' fanfiction by Sora and Mimi)

Reviewed by: Styles Rockman


All right, I can't take it anymore. No longer can I cower here, listening to the agonizing thumping of my own heart. I'll do't! I'll write a review of some shitty ass fan-fiction! Now, unlike Alex, I do not intentionally go and read fan fictions. I'm not an asshole. I went out of my way to find a truly "fine" piece of work, though, and this just fell into my lap. Entitled "Mistakes" by, no joke, 'Sora and Mimi'. And yeah, that's one person. The author had only this to say about it:

Rated R for discussion of sex, anger, violence, and language.

Riveting! Now, let's get this mother fucker revvin'.

 


 

Mistakes

 

"You treat me like I'm a little girl! I'm 15 and almost 16 I can take care of myself!" Sora yelled at her mom.

"I'm 16 going on 17, doo doo doo..." I don't remember how the rest of the song goes.

"With all the stuff you've pulled I should treat you like your two!" Sora's Mom yelled back.

A spelling mistake within the first two lines of dialogue... Let this set the tone for the rest of the story.

 

"So I've made some mistakes! Are you going to hold it against me for the rest my life?"
"Sora, I will never forgive you for what you've done to us and this family."
"Well I can't control that!"
"You are to young to be doing the things you've been doing!"


Taxes are for adults! That's what she was doing right? Taxes? Please let it be taxes.

"I can make my own decisions and I can take care of myself!"
"Fine if you can take care of yourself then leave and earn your own money, find your own place to live! It's not as easy as it looks!"
"Fine I will! I'll be out of the house by tomorrow morning!" After that she ran of the room, up the stairs to her bedroom and slammed the door. Sora's mom broke down crying.


Things seem pretty fine to me.

Later that night Sora sneaked downstairs to the kitchen and filled her backpack with food. Then she went upstairs and sneaked into her parent's room and stole her parent's wallets. She then she walked out the front door and shut it quietly. Sora ran to the train station. She spent the night on one of the benches.

 

That was the single lamest run-away ever. Seriously. Shirley Temple put this fucker to shame. Plus, I can actually WHACK OFF to Shirley Temple. Uh... I mean...


The next morning she went looking for a job. She went everywhere looking for job but either she was too young or they weren't hiring. Sora's feet hurt from walking. Then she saw a hiring sign at a strip club and she went inside.

Girl knows a good opportunity for career advancement when she sees it.

"I'm here for a job." She told the guy at the door.
"On second let me get the manager." He left and a bit later came back with a tall skinny guy.
"Hello I'm Mr. Stalls the manager and owner. How may I help you?"


Mr. Stalls... What the fuck... He sounds like a high school Science teacher.

"I'm here for the job."
"Well..." he said looking her over. "You're a very fine young lady. How old are you?"
"Well 15. But I'll be 16 in a week."
"Well..." He said hesitating.
"Please sir I need the job." Sora said with urgency in her voice.
"Ok I'll let you have the job if you can do two things."


And one of them is my taxes.

"Ok what?"
"Well one, you have to keep it a secret that your only 16 and two, you have to give me a good show tonight."


Then he patted her on the ass, looked her deep into her underaged eyes and said, "You can do it, Rocky."

"Ok." Sora said.
"Now go back there" He said pointing to a door "and our costume girl will get you an outfit.
"Alright see ya tonight and get ready for the show of a life time." Sora said going to the costume girl.
That night Sora went on and gave the show that she had promised. She stripped down to nothing but a thong and a top that was only had two one-inch triangles to covering her chest. After she was done with her show she went back stage and Mr. Stalls came up to her.


I'm almost CERTAIN that I am aroused.

"That was the best performance ever you got the job. You get 250 a week and anything else you pick up. By the way I forgot to tell you that after you go on you have to stay in your outfit and serve drinks." He said handing her a tray.

Not dollars though. Peanut shells. You get 250 peanut shells a week. If you do well, they move you up to cracked walnuts.

Sora just shrugged and took the tray and started flirting and playing with all the guys she served. Five minutes 'till closing time a guy called to Sora.

Closing time! One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer! Closing time, you don't have to go home but you CAN'T! STAY! HERE!

"Hey Pussycat!" He yelled.
Sora turned around. "Yes?"
"I'll pay you 200 bucks to come home with me tonight."


I know who I want to take me home! I know who I want to take me home! I know who I want to take me home! Take me home!

"Sure." She said sitting on is lap. "One sec. I'll be out in a minute." Sora got up and went backstage. She got her tube top and put it on for a skirt and grabbed her jacket. She went home with the guy and lost the only morality she had left, her virginity. In the morning, Sora left after getting her 200 dollars and went back to work to practice that night show. Sora made immediate friends with all the girls.

Is anyone else feeling left in the dust? This story goes so goddamned fast I can't keep up with it.

"So what's your story."? A girl named Arial asked.
"Ran away from home." Sora answered. "Yours?"
"Dropped out of college so my parents refused to support me."


Realistic dialogue? Pretend you believe it so.

That night Sora went home with another guy. She went home with a different guy every night. Then one day Sora was flirting with a guy when Tai came in. He grabbed her and pulled her over to a table towards the back of the club.

Just in case anyone had any doubts that they were dealing with a Digimon fan fic. Also, what the hell is Tai doing in a STRIP CLUB? Jesus, he's only 16! This author makes me sick.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sora asked him.
"I'm here to get you out of this place." Tai said.
"Well you can go ahead and go home cause I'm not leaving."
"Sora please I care about you and I know that you're better than this."
"Well I don't care about you and I'm get about 1500 dollars a month."


Author's Note: My '4' key is broken, so I won't be using the dollar sign at all during this story. Let's observe the results!

"Sora listen to me!" Tai said shaking her.
"Why do I have to JERK?!"
"Sora what's happened to you? You've changed and I don't like it. If the others could see you now! The supposive 'mother' of the group. You've really changed."


"Supposive"? That sounds like some kind of bowl disease.

"Well sorry but I'm me and I've changed."

I am Sam!

"Fine." With that he got up and left.
Sora for a second looked at him longingly but then she got up and went back to the guy she had been with. She kept this up for two years. Then a week before her 18th birthday she met the guy of her dreams. Jimmy Deago. She spent all day and all night with him for a week. Every passionate minute Sora thought she had found love then the day of her birthday it changed.


Seriously, I'm totally lost. What the fuck is happening? This story goes so goddamned fast it feels like the author wanted to make it into a novel but was too fucking lazy. So instead he jammed as much story into 13 pages of shitfuck as he could.

"Get out! My parents are coming for the weekend." Jimmy yelled at Sora throwing her her clothes.

"I was embroidering those, you asshole!"

"Don't you want them to meet me?" She asked.
"I said GET OUT HORE!" He yelled throwing her 600 bucks. "Now go, scram!"


I don't get why he uses numbers to express the amount of money Sora receives, but refuses to use the '$' sign. Like he'll fuck a guy up the ass, suck him off, but refuse to give him a handjob?

Sora broke down crying and got dressed. She left the room and stopped at the kitchen. She grabbed a pocketknife and ran out the door. She started to run and just kept running.

Then she ran into a Flock of Seagulls whom she became fond of. She married the head seagull, but then he died 20 years later. She was given 15,000 clamolas from the will and she used the money to buy a solid gold diamond bikini that she used as a deductible on her taxes. Also, is that foreshadowing I see? No, no it isn't. Why not? Well...

Each step she took the tears seemed to come out harder. She kept running until she came to a deserted park. She sat down on a bench and took out the knife. She held it in her shaking hand. Sora put the knife to her wrist. She put a little pressure on it and warm red blood trickled out. Sora's shaking hand dropped the knife. She then decided that she would have to do it quickly and painlessly. She picked the knife up from the ground at held it to her chest. Sora was just about to do it when she heard some one.

Jiminy Cricket.

"Sora, you don't want to do it." She dropped the knife and turned around to see Tai standing next to a tree. He walked up to her and took a napkin out of his pocket.

Who the hell walks around with a napkin in their pocket? Fuck you Tai, you public-masturbating freak.

Tai took it and wrapped it tightly around Sora's wrist stopping the blood.
"Thank you." She whispered and then she broke down crying again. She flung her arms around Tai and cried on his shoulder. Tai held her close and stroked her hair. Then he put is hands on her shoulders and held her out in front of him.


"Stroking hair is just part of my consolation routine!"

"Sora you need help. And then you need to go back to school." Tai said staring Sora in the eye.

Cyclops's need an education, too.

Sora nodded and then put her head back on his shoulder and continued to cry. That night Sora spent the night at Tai's apartment in the spare bedroom. In the morning Tai took Sora to the local Mental Health Center.

Mental Health Center?! Wow, Tai's an asshole!

"Ladies and gentlemen I'd like you to meet Sora Takenouchi." The leader said as she brought Sora to the group.
"Hello Sora." They all said in unison.


The author is drawing upon his own personal experience with mental health groups for this scene.

Sora said nothing. Then they went around the circle everyone telling their own story to Sora. When it came time for her Sora just sat there saying nothing. After a long silence they moved on to another girl about a year younger then Sora. As the girl told her story Sora noticed all the scares the girl had on her wrist. After session Sora went up to her room and saw the girl was her roommate.

I smell lesbian sex forthcoming!

"Hi. I'm Emily. Incase you didn't catch it earlier." Emily said as Sora walked in.
"Hi." Sora said sitting down on her bed.
"Want one?" Emily asked holding up a bag of jellybeans.


Jelly beans... Okay...

Sora shook her head no.

WHAT?! You denied the fucking jelly beans?! Fucking bean counter...

"You know you should talk it will get you out of here a lot faster." Emily informed her.
"I guess, since it will make things easier." Sora mumbled.
"Promise, you'll tell me everything?" Emily said holding out her pinky.
"You promise you'll tell me everything?"
"Yes."
"Then I Promise." Sora said putting out her pinky and smiling.


Then they had wild passionate sex, but not before Emily revealed herself to be a transvestite. She impregnated Sora, and on the child's 16th birthday he plotted to kill his mother to get the 320,000 bananas worth of life insurance she has. However, what he didn't know is that Sora was audited on her taxes and lost everything.

"Good. So now do you want a jellybean?"
"I guess." Sora said taking some.
"So wants your story?" Emily asked. "Since you already know mine."
"Well..."
"Remember you promised."
"Fine." Sora told Emily the whole story.


Omitting the hallucination in which she made out with Al Gore. Seriously, even SHE doesn't get that one.

"I guess you really were close to that Tai dude. Have you talked to him since the saved you?"

Seriously, this is ridiculous. Even the AUTHOR couldn't stand to read through this bullshit to EDIT it. Why the fuck should I have to read it?

"No. I keep hoping he'll call me but he hasn't yet. I'm not surprised he probably wants nothing to do with me anymore." Sora said with a tear streaming down her face.
"I'm sure that's not true. He wouldn't have saved you if he didn't care."


Actually no, he just wanted her to do his taxes.

"With all that I've done there's no way that he still cares. But I know that he's the only one for me and I know that I've blown it with him." Sora started to cry really hard.

Oh man, now I'm hard.

"Sora there's no way he doesn't care." Emily said going over to Sora and sitting down next to her. Emily put her arms her and hugged her.

Is it possible for me to be more hard? I have like, twelve erections.

"Thank You." Sora said hugging her back.
Sora started talking in sessions and pretty soon she was almost back to normal. She had made friends with another girl named Ashley.


I love how the author makes all these incredibly American names for non-canon characters. Especially the ones with an 'L' in their names. Nice research, you dumbshit.

One day Emily came into the room crying.
"What's wrong?" Sora asked rushing over.
"I just got a call from the hospital my parents have been killed and my sister's brain has been so badly damaged that even if they managed to get her stable she would be like a vegetable for the rest of her life. They asked me weather or not I wanted them to try to save her or not and I said no."


Whether you use the correct 'whether' in a sentence will weather my decision on whether or not to give you the weather. You idiot.

"Oh Emily" Ashley said coming over and putting her arm around her.

When the fuck did THIS relationship start? Also, what kind of consolation is that? Your parents just died, your sister's a fucking vegetable, you're in a mental hospital with a suicidal stripper and a sociological dyke, and your entire life is an incoherently-written piece of shit conjured up by some asshole. A lot of good someone saying your fucking name is gonna do.

In the morning Emily didn't come to breakfast. After she ate Sora

Tee hee, peer editing is fun. Remember prospective fan fiction writers, commas are your friends. Also, I'm going to murder you in your sleep.

went up stairs to see if Emily was coming to session. Sora walked in and saw Emily lying on her bed not breathing. Sora looked and the bedside table and saw a needle. Sora rushed over and shook Emily.
"Emily wake up! Please wake up!" Sora said starting to cry. " Please wake up! Emily! Some one help me! She's not breathing! Please some one!"


Is anyone else tired of Sora being a fucking cry-baby? "Oh my first love left me!" "Oh you saved me from killing myself!" "Oh my only friend is dead!" Whiney bitch.

A person from another group heard her and came running in. He immediately saw what happened and ran to the front desk. A minute later the building doctor was in the room and some security guards in the room. Sora was hysterical. It took two guards to hold her back.

A five-foot-nothing Japanese girl. Wow, guys. That's pathetic.

"I afraid to inform you." The doctor told Sora a little bit later. "That Emily managed to get a hold of some very powerful drugs and she injected them in herself last night. We would have had to get to her with in five minutes to have saved her."

"The good news is, you get a lollipop for being such a good little girl!"

Sora just sat there. She felt numb. She couldn't think. The words she's dead just stuck in her head. After that Sora stopped talking again. The only person she would talk to was Ashley and then it was only briefly.

Well, at least now we can have some character development for Ashley.

"I'm being released on Friday." Ashley told Sora on a Monday morning.

Fuck you man.

The pain in Sora's heart grew even more with those few words. Sora secluded herself even more from the group that week. Before she left Ashley sat down by Sora who was on her bed just staring at the wall.

Evidently she got a hold of "some very powerful drugs" herself.

"Sora," She said grabbing Sora's wrist and rubbing her fingers over the scare.

AHH! Don't sneak up on me like that, you scarred me!

"Every time you look at this I want you to remember. Remember me, remember Emily and remember everything wrong that has happened in your life. Then I want you to rub your finger over and remember you're not alone.

"Then I want you to rub your 'honeypot' and video tape it and send it to the addresses I've highlighted here."

I never told you my story but you told me many times what yours was. I want to tell you something." Ashley pulled up her sleeve and rubbed something of her wrist. Then she moved her fingers revealing a scare.

Nothing can be scarier than reading this fucking piece of shit.

"My story is the same as yours except I actually almost succeeded.

"I'm better than you!"

See I thought no one cared about me and it was true. I cut my wrist like you did but I actually hit the vein. A person walking in the park saw me and called 991.

"That person was a retarded asshole. Thankfully, someone called the right number twenty minutes later and I survived."

After I did it all I thought about was how I could I have done this to myself? I was ending my life when it was just beginning. I was rushed to the hospital and I almost died. After a recovered I was immediately sent here."
Sora looked up at her, "I never knew." She whispered.


The More You Know!

"No one did. I don't want you doing what I did.

You know... again.

Trying to end my life when it was just beginning. Don't let what you've done in the past effect what you do today. Goodbye my friend. I'll see you again."

"...IN HELL!"

"Goodbye" Sora managed to choke out.
After Ashley left Sora went to session.
"Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to meet Krista Anderson."


Do I smell plot advancement? No, that's just lesbian sex again.

Sora looked at her. When Krista did what she had done on the first day Sora decided that she would do for Krista what Emily had done for her.

So, she gave her a jelly bean and then OD'd on "some very powerful drugs"?

All went well and two weeks later Sora was released
The day she left Sora went immediately to the mall and got some jeans, some normal length shorts, and some real t-shirts.


None of those fake t-shirt shits. Straight for the Trogdor v-necks.

That morning Sora's mom woke rather late. She was in the middle of making herself breakfast when she heard the doorbell ring. She went to the door and opened it. She saw Sora standing there and she broke down. Sora dropped the bags she had in her hands and through her arms around her mother. Sora also began to cry.

Then they had incestual, tribal sex, and tried to join together in holy matrimony but the wedding would have cost 7,000 slammas, so instead they just did their taxes.

"Oh mom!" Sora said crying harder. They sat down at the kitchen table and Sora told her everything as she ran her finger across the scare on her wrist. Sora stayed there for a while. Then one night as Sora laid in her bed not being able to sleep, she listened in on her parent's conversation through the wall.

She began wondering why her mother had stopped taking the pills for her multiple personality disorder, but decided it was better not to ask.

"Honey," She heard her mom say. "I'm really glad that Sora's back but I'm just finding it very hard to love her and to be proud of her."
"I know." She heard her father answer back. "But she's our daughter and we have to try. At least she's finally come home."
"I know, I know."
Then Sora heard the light click and she knew they had gone to bed.


She quickly rushed to the computer, went to Newgrounds, and played the dress-up games. Quietly, in the dark, she fingered herself like crazy; always looking over her shoulder should her parents wake up.

In the morning Sora got all the money she had gotten over the years and called the airport to reserve a ticket.

Later ssssssssuckers!

She also made a long distance call to Mimi asking if she could crash there for a while.

More character injection. I had almost forgot that I was reading a Digimon fan-fiction for a second there. For that second, that ONE FUCKING SECOND, I had almost redeemed the author in my mind.

That night Sora again sneaked out of the house. She had called a cab to take her to the airport. Once she got there she walked into the airport and went through everything. While she was sitting waiting for the flight a woman her age came over.
"Hello my names Sarah. Do mind if I sit next to you?" Sarah asked.


Author's Note: I felt the need to re-iterate what Sarah's name was for the retards, who are undoubtedly the only ones stupid enough to have read this far into this god-awful story.

"No I don't mind. My names Sora." Sora said feeling her eye witch now was really swollen.

I don't know which witch is which!

"Ouch. What happened?" Sarah asked looking at her eye.
"Oh nothing. Just an accident." Sora said a little to quickly.


Sarah began to suspect something. Instinctively, she reached for her trusted .45 Magnum she nicknamed 'Shooty' and blew her way the fuck out of this fucking story.

"I'm studying to be doctor and I know that was no accident."

I... okay?

So Sora told her the whole story from when she was almost 16 to the present.
"Man that's really sad. So you haven't heard from that Tai dude. Man that's got to suck."


Tony Montana: Psychologist.

"Now Loading Flight #3546 People with seating #'s 1-39 please come first."

How do you pronounce "#"?

"Well that's me." Sora said getting up.
"Me too. What number are you?"
"34"
"Really I'm 35."


Well, what a plot device! I mean coincidence! No... I mean plot device.

"Well good I get to sit next to some one who will actually talk!"
They got on the plane and began to talk. They talked about all sorts of things but mainly about Sora's adventures in the Digiworld.
"That's really fascinating."


Sarah said as Sarah desperately hammered down on the call button for the flight attendant, hoping that someone will save Sarah from this fucking lunatic beside her. Sarah often speaks about Sarah in the third-person, thus no one will ever forget her name. Sarah Sarah Sarah.

"Ladies and Gentlemen we'll be landing soon please fasten your seatbelts and put your tray tables in the upright and locked position."
They followed the directions and then continued to talk.
"Man that went really fast.


No fucking joke.

Here's the number of where I'm staying call me and maybe we can get together sometime." Sora said handing Sarah a slip of paper.

It was a 1-900 number.

"Sure. Here's mine." Sarah said giving Sora a slip of paper.
"I'll call you. Oh here's my ride bye."
"By Sora! Don't forget to call."


By the power of Grayskull!

"Mimi!" Sora yelled running up to Mimi and giving her a hug.
"Sora!" Mimi yelled hugging her back.


HOT LESBIAN ACTION!

"It's been way to long."
"I know. So what have you been doing lately Sora?"
"Well..."


You know, it's just too easy at this point.

And once again Sora told the whole story to her.

It's like the fic is taunting me, seriously.

Meanwhile Mrs. Takenouchi got up late again. She came down the stairs and saw a note on the kitchen table. It said:
Dear Mom,
I've left again for the last time without warning. I'll be back some day, when you can love me and be proud of me. I'll ya.
Love,
Sora


How the fuck did she sleep this fucking long? Even assuming Sora was able to get a ticket to New York on the same day as the flight, it would have been some budget-ass flight that made stops in like, Greenland for some gay reason. Also, why New York? Shouldn't it be somewhere in Japan? No wait, that would make sense, and obviously that's not what the author was going for.

Mrs. Takenouchi sat down at the table in shock. Then she broke down crying. Mr. Takenouchi came in hearing his wife crying and read the note he sat down next to her held her.
"So Sora here's are lovely house. I'm afraid Matt won't be here for a week or so. He's of doing a gig in D.C."


I wasn't aware of Mimi's Russian background, but evidently she just throws prepositions left, right, and center.

"That's fine though I can't wait to see him it's been way to long. Mimi your house is gorgeous!"

Now, nothing to do with the fan-fic, but 'gorgeous', to me, always looks like it's spelled wrong.

"Thank you. You'll be staying in here. My bedroom is just down the hall." Mimi said leading Sora into a cute little bedroom with a twin bed. It was mainly green.

Sexual... overtones... overloading libido! Wait, green?

Sora staid at Mimi's place for a while getting her high school diploma. After she finished with the she started thinking about her career. She decided to try for acting or singing. One time when Sora was out with Sarah they started talking about careers.
"What do you want to do with your life Sora?" Sarah asked.
"I want to get into acting or singing."


Oh God...

"Really! My friend Lia just told me about an audition for a new movie coming out."
"Really I should try out."


I'm really convinced she's excited about this. I never thought that a line of dialogue spoken by a character in a story could actually be acted poorly.

"I have the information in my purse somewhere." She said digging through her purse.

"Let's see... Condoms... Used condoms... Shotgun shells... Hello Kitty vibrator... My taxes..."

"Ah here." Sarah said handing Sora a piece of paper.
"Thank you. Ooh I got to go. See ya later."


Where exactly? Away from this fucking story?

"Bye Sora. How about lunch next Saturday before the audition?"
"Sure. Alright see ya."
Sora prepared all week for the audition. On Saturday she went to lunch then went straight to the audition.


She was excited to go to the audition. She hoped she would do well at the audition. At night, she had nightmares at the audition where she was naked at the audition and it wasn't an audition at all. Also, with my limited experience in "the biz", I'm pretty sure that you need all of a resume, an agent, a career, and fake tits to even be allowed in the door at auditions. But whatever, this story sucks anyway, so I'll let him have this one.

"Thank you we'll call you in two days to tell you weather you got the part or not."

Outlook is... CLOUDY!

"Thank you."
Sora left and two days later she got a call.
(Ring)
"Hello"
"Hello I'm calling about the audition."


"We're going to need to see you do it without your clothes on."

"Yes?"
"I afraid you didn't get it."


"I'm not going to tell you my name, the name of the movie you were auditioning for, or what casting company we're with. You just failed that hard."

"Oh. Well thank you."
(Click) Matt came in.


Pelvic thrusting the door to splinters.

"So did you get it?"
"No."
"Bummer man."


Whoa Ted, that's like, totally bogus.

"Whatever."
Sora was kind of down in the dumps the rest of the week.


Seriously, who the fuck says down in the dumps anymore. Asshole.

Then on Friday she got a call Mimi picked up the phone.
"Hello"
"My please speak to Sora Takenouchi."


"Ah, apologizing. English is the not very happy for me-ing."

"One second let me get her. Sora phone for you."
Sora came in and took the phone.


Who told you to answer the phone! Now get back in your cage!

"Hello."
"Is this Sora?"
"Yes"
"I was at your audition Saturday and I heard you sing. I'm calling to offer you a record deal. Can you come to 1515 N. Broadway tomorrow at three?"


Because many nameless recording studios often lay everything on the line for raccoon-eyed Japanese sluts who failed so hard at an audition that THEY WERE THERE TO WITNESS she didn't even get a fucking call-back. What the fuck?!

"Yeah. Sure."
"Ok see you tomorrow."
"Ok bye."
"Bye"
(Click)
"Oh my god oh my god!!!!!!!!!"


"I just had my first period! I mean exclamation mark?"

"What, what is it." Mimi asked confused.
Matt hearing all the noise came rushing in. "What happened? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong I just got a call for a record deal." Sora was going hysterical along with Mimi. They were jumping around in circle's holding hands.


Please... let it stop...

"GIRLS! CALM DOWN!" Matt yelled putting his hands on their shoulders.

Seriously, Matt. You're gay.

"Sorry I'm just so happy! This is the first time anything good has happened to me in a long time."
Sora went to the meeting and signed the papers. She worked really hard and 5 months later her first album came out. It was an instant hit.


Despite the fact that she has no singing talent, the record was never given a title or even distributed, it somehow broke platinum. In fact, it was the first record ever to go "diamond", and she made millions. Even though it was the only album she ever recorded, twenty-five years later she was admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and as such was permitted to include heroin and gin as dependants on her taxes.

Sora had never been happier in her life. Though she had never been happier Sora still felt something was missing. Sora was so overwhelmed that she never had time to think about it.
One day Mrs. Takenouchi was flipping channels when she came to MTV. She saw Sora on the screen singing in a video. Then Carson Daily came on.


God I hate that guy...

"That was just the new hit from Sora Takenouchi."
She began to cry out of happiness.


"Thank Mary that skank bitch finally made something of her life! I'm not such an awful mother after all!"

Sora was packing to go see her parents when the doorbell rang.
"Coming!" Sora yelled walking to the door. She opened it and saw Tai standing there. Sora began to cry. She threw her arms around him. He put his arms around her and held her close. Then he loosed his grip so he could see Sora's face.


He then proceeded to vomit, and ran away apologizing and urinating on himself.

"I thought you didn't care anymore." Sora whispered.
"Sora I will always care about you."
"Oh Tai!" Sora said pulling him closer to her.
"Sora I know it's out of the blue but I've loved you since we were in first grade. Will, will you marry me."


"WILL will you marry me?" Every male character in this story is fucking gay.

Sora looked up at him a little shocked. Then she put her head on his chest.

I can't even make a joke out of this.

"Yes" Then she looked up at him and moved her face closer, and closer to his until there was barley any room between them. Then they kissed. Sora felt so happy at that moment she felt she could have touched the sky. Tai then slipped a ring on Sora's finger.

It was an onion ring.

At that moment Matt and Mimi came home.

Disco dancing the entire house to ruins.

"Hello you two. Tai! What are you doing here?"

I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

"Well uh..."

NO I WILL NOT SAY IT!!!!

"I think this will explain it better." Sora said holding out her hand.

GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

"Oh my GOD!!" Mimi screamed. And once again they were jumping around in circles.
"Tai" Sora said after calming down. " I'm kind of leaving in about an hour to go back to see my parents."


"Well, not really. The restraining order that EVERY airline has on me sort of restricts that."

"That's ok. I also had tickets back for today. Two in fact."

"Both for me. All mine. Fuck you guys."

"Oh well what are we going to do with an extra ticket?' Sora said wonderingly.

Scalp it?

"Hold on one second." Matt said rushing to the phone. He dialed a number and put the phone to his ear.

He put the wrong end to his ear, and everyone began questioning his mental stability.

"Hello" A lady answered.
"I was curios do you have any seats left for flight 4943?"


Curios? Like, some twisted flavor of Cheerios made out of The Man In The Yellow Hat?

"One second let me check. Ah yes we have a couple left."
"Can you reserve me one?"
"Yeah sure! I am the owner of the airport you know."


I HAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING POWER! ALL OF YOU ARE PEASANTS! PEASANTS COMPARED TO ME!

"I know, I know."
"Well got to go. Talk to ya later."
"Well guys it looks like we're all going home for a visit. That is if I can buy that extra ticket form you Tai."
"Oh yeah sure." Tai said pulling the extra one out.


He then pulled out his dick and demanded a blumpkin. If you don't know what that is, I highly suggest you do NOT look it up.

"Well we had better get packing." Mimi said.

Packing fudge? Packing cloths? Packing heat? I hope it's that one.

"Yeah and I still need to finish." Sora replied.
"I'll help you Sora." Tai said following Sora into her room. Sora quickly finished packing. Then she loaded her stuff into the cab that had just arrived. Mimi and Matt came out a few minutes later. They stuffed into the cab and went to the airport.


But it turns out it wasn't just any cab, it was a Justice Cab, and within the cab there was lots of stuff for justice, which they used, from the cab, to unload justice on anyone stupid enough to have read this much of this godawful piece of shit. I've had more fun doing my taxes.

They check in their bags and did everything else they had to do.

Which involved being taken into a room, stripped down, and having a customs agent search through their asses. Matt and Tai enjoyed this thoroughly.

A while later they were sitting in there seats waiting for the plane to take off.
"Well I can't wait to see my future sister in law again. And I can't wait to see my parents." Sora said as they waited to take off.
"Yeah. I've missed Kari a lot. I also haven't visited my parents in like a year. I've kind of on purpose gotten 'lost'." Tai said staring at his watch.


It was broken, and Mickey's hands always pointed to 6:30, because it looks like he's touching himself.

"Yeah I've missed TK and Kari a lot too. And I haven't been back home for about three years." Matt said thinking hard.

Thinking REAL hard.

"I know we haven't Matt you've been too busy!" Mimi said playfully hitting him.
"So Sora what has happened to you since I last saw you?" Tai asked as Mimi and Matt started kissing.


I... what?

"Well..." And Sora told him everything that had happened since he had taken her to the hospital.
"I'm sorry I was the cause of some your pain."


"I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with LIIIIIIGHT!!!!"

"That's okay." Sora said as she put her head on Tai's shoulder. "I'm kind of tired I was up late last night so I'm going to sleep know." Sora drifted off into sleep. Tai looked down at her and smiled.

The roofie worked!

Sora woke about 10 hours later to find that they were about to land.

In Denver.

"(Yawn) Ah man that was a long sleep."

Either the author doesn't realize that parenthesis mean that it's an author's note, or that comment is very telling.

"Yeah you slept for ten hours."
They landed and then they all went to a hotel to stay the night because it was to late at night for an unscheduled visit. In the morning Mimi and Matt went in one cab, Tai went in another, and Sora went in another.


Just one taxi isn't good enough for these kids. Oh no, they need a whole fucking convoy to get across town.

That morning Mrs. Takenouchi had gotten up rather early has she had been doing all week. She was in the middle of reading the newspaper when she heard the doorbell.
"Coming" She opened the door to once again see Sora standing there. "Oh Sora." She said wrapping her arms around her daughter and beginning to cry.


Déjà vu? No, the author just sucks.

"Mom now you can love me and be proud of me." Sora said also beginning to cry.
"I will always love you and be proud of you!" Mrs. Takenouchi said hugging Sora so tight that she could barely breath.


No comment.

About an hour later the phone rang.
"Hello" Sora answered.
"Hey it's me."


"The audition people? The record distributor? That fuck who slept with me? JESUS?!"

"Oh hi Tai."

"Oh, you're stupid and lame."

"Can I come over now?"
"Sure my parents are both home."
"Ok be over in a minute."
(Click)
"Uh mom can you teach me to cook?"


I'm not even going to put in an effort anymore.

"Sure sweetie. Why all the sudden do you want to learn?"

At least someone in this story is a voice of reason.

"Well I can't cook at all and since your such a wonderful cook I was wondering if you could teach me."

"Teach me to be a powerful Sauceror like yourself!"

"I got to remember to act like I can't cook and keep her busy for a little bit 'till Tai comes." Sora thought in her head.

She accidentally said this aloud, and landed herself back in the mental hospital.

About a half hour later the doorbell rang.

At the wrong house. A hearty laugh was had by all.

"Coming" Sora yelled she opened the door just a crack and looked out she saw Tai standing there. "On second."

In third?

Sora whispered. "Uh Mom, Dad could you come in here for a minute?"
"Coming sweetie." Mr. Takenouchi yelled.
When they were both in living room Sora continued.
"Uh Mom, Dad I have another surprise for you.


"You see that boy out there? I want money for surgery to become one of those."

I would like you to meet my fiancé." She said as she opened the door revealing Tai.
"Oh Sora! I'm so happy for you." Mrs. Takenouchi said hugging Sora.
"I'm proud of ya son." Mr. Takenouchi said shaking Tai's hand.


Umm... Wrong one, Mr. Takenouchi...

"Uh, thank you." Tai said a little weirded out by the "son" bit.
"Uh, mom Tai and need to go we got a lot of things to do." Sora said calming down her mother. "And also I have another thing to tell you. Um... on the plane ride here we decided to live in America. We decided that because of my career."


"I know a lot of people don't know it, but I'm famous!"

"Oh."

Nothing else need be said.

"Well we got to go. We'll be back in bit but I still need to tell my family about this all, we need to visit TK and Kari, and we need to visit Izzy, and Joe.

Joe? Where... I... What the fuck.

Love ya mom." He said giving Mrs. Takenouchi a kiss on the cheek. "Uh by dad." He said shaking Mr. Takenouchi's hand.

He gave it back and Mr. Takenouchi replaced his prosthetic forearm, a little weirded out by the "dad" bit.

"By mom bye dad." Sora said giving them each a hug.

Why, no, HOW is only ONE 'bye' spelled right in a single sentence?!

Tai put his arm around Sora and they walked out the door. Sora stood on the curb as Tai started to walk away.

She bitch slapped him and then curb stomped that fucker.

"Where's the cab or whatever?" Sora said looking around.
"This is my car." Tai said unlocking it and getting in.


Once again, it's not essential that you know what kind of car it is. Use your IMAGINATION!

"Awesome car." Sora said getting in on the other side.

It runs on cat feces, and if you make engine noises it's really cool. VROOM VROOOOM!

"You like it?"
"Like it? I love it. When did you get it?"
"Well about 2 weeks ago. I kind of got for... well... us. I bought it before I came to see you."


Did no one see any possible consequences in his line of actions should Sora have refused? "What, you don't want to marry me?! I BOUGHT A FUCKING CAR! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME BITCH, GET IN THE TRUNK! ... I love you honey."

"It's the best present I've ever gotten." She said leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. "Where shall we go next?"
"My parents?"


I swear that the first time I read that I thought it said "my penis", and the story suddenly got a lot more interesting.

"K"
After that things went rather quickly. First she and Tai were talking about whom to invite and next thing she knew it was the night before the wedding.


Author's Note: In keeping with the tradition of the story, I decided to forgo EVERYTHING I thought was vital plot points, necessary description, or anything that makes sense.

The night before the wedding Sora lay a wake thinking about the next day.
"Why am I so nervous? I mean this is stupid why should I be nervous? I'm making the right choice. Aren't I? But what if it's not the right choice? What if... I got to stop thinking these thoughts. The only one right for me is Tai and now I can spend the rest of my life with him." Sora thought as she closed her eyes and drifted into sleep.


Deliberation solved?

In the morning Sora's alarm woke her at 5 a.m. The wedding was at 3:00 and there were a lot of things still to do.

Like building a wall out of the bodies of the dead Persians?

Mimi and Kari (Sora's brides maids) came with her everywhere she went that day.

Brides maids? Two of them? Oh man are THEY going to be pissed.

"Where we going first Sis?" Kari asked as they got in Tai's car around 8.
"Witch one?" Mimi asked.
"Sora."


The author's obvious inexperience with how wedding preparations work is very telling of their personal experience with the opposite sex.

"First we get our dresses. Then we get our nails done. Then a quick trip to the mall. After the mall we get our hair done. Then we go to the church and get ready."

Nothing like window shopping on your wedding day. At five in the morning.

"Sounds like a long day and a lot of walking. I haven't done much walking since we went to the digital world."

AH HA HA HA HA! OH YOU CLEVER SON OF A BITCH!

"Same old Mimi." Sora said giving a little giggle.

Oh you.

"Yep. Same old Mimi."

Oh you.

"Hey what's wrong with me? What makes the fact that I'm 'the same old Mimi' make me funny?"

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"

"Nothing Meems."

Meems... Fucking Meems. Now the author is giving pet names to characters in an fucking KIDS' anime show?

Sora said winking at Kari. "You know what's really weird? All us, the original 8 are going to be related except for Joe and Izzy."

Yeah, those two can go fuck themselves.

"Yeah that is weird. I mean imagine we're all going to be basically sisters."

Including Matt and Tai.

"Yeah and if there's a Kamiya or Ishida reunion then will all be there." Mimi said saying something that was actually thoughtful.

Unlike the rest of this fucking story.

"Well let's go." Sora said driving off. They did everything on the list and then went to the church.

Unfortunately, Tai's a Muslim.

They got ready. The bride's maid's dresses were white with spaghetti straps.

Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os!

It hugged at the top and around the waist they flowed out a bit. Sora's dress was a plain white satin gown.

"Meh. It looks good enough."

They were in the misted of changing when there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it we're changing at the moment." Sora said.
"Can I come in?"
"As long as you're not a guy."
The door opened and the girl slipped in.


"Ahaha! I'm a man!"

"Oh my god! Sarah!" Sora said rushing over and giving her a hug.

Lesbian sex on your wedding day. Great way to start off a relationship that began two days ago.

"Hey I'm here with my dress and everything else."
"Good. Come on we only have an hour and a half 'till the wedding."
"I'm coming, I'm coming."


OH GOD SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK! I CAN'T STOP MYSELF!! DO NOT UNLEASH THE BEAST!!!

They all got dressed and ready to go. It was about five minutes before the wedding when there was another knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Sora said a little annoyed.
"It's Tai." Tai said walking in with his hand over his eyes.


Lest he should induce vomiting again.

"What are you doing here? You know your not suppose to see the bride before the wedding." Kari scolded him.

She gave him a swift kick in the crotch.

"Yeah I know why else do you think I have my hands over my eyes. Ok we only have 5 minutes. You girls ready?" "Yeah will be out in a minute."

Paragraph breaks? Unnecessary!

"Alright see ya sweetie. I can't wait." And he left.
"Ok let's go. You guys go out there and I'll be there in a second."


In case you didn't know how weddings worked.

"Okay" Mimi said putting the last touches on Sora's look. They all left and Sora stood in the room alone. She looked into the mirror at her face.

"My GOD I'm ugly..."

"I'm ready and I'm making the right decision." She told her self quietly.

And she switched her car insurance to GEICO.

She walked out of the room and stood be hide her little flower girl. The little girl was Sarah's daughter.

"Okay guys, we've taken care of every last detail of the wedding within a four-hour timeframe." "What about the flower girl?" "I'm counting on deus ex machina in the form of someone whom I've met previously in my inane, non-sequitur travels over the past two weeks." "I see no flaws in this line of reasoning."

Sora was so nervous she thought she would faint. Then it was her turn. Mr. Takenouchi took Sora's hand and they walked down the isle. As soon as Sora got up there and looked in Tai's eyes all doubt left her. As the preacher recited everything Sora barely listen.

Gunfire tends to muffle that.

She could not take her eyes off Tai.

And his incredibly gay pink tuxedo.

"Do you Sora Takenouchi take Tai Kamiya to be lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold through sickness and in health 'till death do you part?"

"No."

"I do."
"And do you Tai Kamiya take Sora Takenouchi to be your lawful wedded wife? To have and to hold through sickness and in health 'till death do you part?"


"Fuck her."

"I do."
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
A single tear of happiness fell down Sora's smiling face.


The Botox really does wonders!

She pulled Tai to her and gave him a single magical and long kiss.

Unfortunately, it was black magic and both were transported to a place of unspeakable terror, where monsters roam free and all the humans, or "trainers" have been killed by a monster overlord. In order to combat this overlord, Tai and Sora must master their own monsters' ability to transfigure into larger, more powerful monsters, as well as cope with the incredibly vast and barren lands.

Ahaha, no, that's just stupid.

Then after pictures, they left to go to the reception. Before they left Sora changed (so she could dance and stuff a lot easier) into a short, white, spaghetti strap dress. She had so much fun but she kept looking for Ashley. She had said that she was coming. A little before the reception was over a girl that could not have been older then 16 came up to Sora carrying a little baby.
"Hello I'm Ashley's sister, Sam."
"Nice to meet you but where's Ashley?"


"I don't want you."

"I'm afraid that she and her husband were killed in a terrible car crash."

OH HO HO! PLOT TWIST!

"What?" Sora was so shaken she had to use a table to catch herself from falling. Tai helped her into a chair.
"I was Ashley's and Greg's (her husband) only living relative that is sober or mentally healthy. I was living with Ashley when she was killed. See Ashley and I were the only two alive of my family and I had no one else to live with. So, she became my legal guardian. Before she died, she said that she wanted you to take care of her daughter.


AHAHAHA SUCKER!

This is Sora she was named after you."

In case she didn't know her own name, stupid bitch.

Sam said holding out little Sora. Sora stood up shakily. She took little Sora and held her in her arms.
"She so beautiful." Sora said smiling with tears running down her face. "Do you have anybody taking care of you?"
"No but I'll manage."
"No believe me you won't. You're coming to stay with me."


Oh ho ho, see what that is? That's what is called a moral! There WAS a point to this story after all. Now aren't you glad you read the whole thing? No, me neither.

"Oh my god you mean in America? With you?

"Fuck you never talk to me again!"

Thank You!" Sam said running up and giving Sora a hug.
"Let's go." Tai said. And they said their goodbyes and left. As Sora looked down at little Sora, she fell even more in love with Tai.


She decided to marry him.


 

Well, there you have it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cut my wrists.

 

-Written by Styles Rockman.