This review was sent in to me
by a newbie in the world of fanfiction mockery who asked that I
credit him under the name 'Styles Rockman'. To say this guy is
ambitious would be an understatement! For his first work, he
went up against a lengthy Digimon fanfic titled "Mistakes", which
features one of the most painfully convoluted plots I've read
in recent memory. It awkwardly tells the story of young Sora,
who runs away from home over a juvenile argument with her
mother, then gets caught up in a whirlwind adventure that spans
several years and a variety of bizarre settings, including a
sequence in a mental hospital that plays out like an homage to
Styles Rockman takes this oftentimes incomprehensible piece of
garbage out to the curb and beats it down hard, opening with a
distinctly pitiless and unamused tone that he maintains
throughout the review. His relative lack of finesse when it comes
to tackling some more common complaints is offset by a gritty,
no-bullshit approach that makes for a very entertaining read.
And tack on some bonus points for Mr. Rockman's ability to
juggle multiple running gags without ever falling prey to
At over 20 pages, "Mistakes" is currently the longest
fanfiction review on this site. While it's perfectly
understandable if you want to take a couple sittings to get
through it, an extremely satisfying read will be the reward for
anybody who can make it through this epic showdown between a
promising newcomer and an exceptionally awful fanfic in one run.
Best of luck. - Alex
Guest Special: "Mistakes"
(A 'Digimon' fanfiction by
Sora and Mimi)
All right, I can't take it anymore. No longer can I cower
here, listening to the agonizing thumping of my own heart.
I'll do't! I'll write a review of some shitty ass
fan-fiction! Now, unlike Alex, I do not intentionally go and
read fan fictions. I'm not an asshole. I went out of my way
to find a truly "fine" piece of work, though, and this just
fell into my lap. Entitled "Mistakes" by, no joke, 'Sora and
Mimi'. And yeah, that's one person. The author had only this to say about it:
Rated R for discussion of sex,
anger, violence, and language.
Riveting! Now, let's get this mother fucker revvin'.
"You treat me like I'm a little girl!
I'm 15 and almost 16 I can take care of myself!" Sora yelled at
"I'm 16 going on 17, doo doo doo..." I don't remember how the
rest of the song goes.
"With all the stuff you've pulled I
should treat you like your two!" Sora's Mom yelled back.
A spelling mistake within the first two lines of dialogue... Let
this set the tone for the rest of the story.
"So I've made some mistakes! Are you
going to hold it against me for the rest my life?"
"Sora, I will never forgive you for what you've done to us and
"Well I can't control that!"
"You are to young to be doing the things you've been doing!"
Taxes are for adults! That's what she was doing right? Taxes?
Please let it be taxes.
"I can make my own decisions and I can
take care of myself!"
"Fine if you can take care of yourself then leave and earn your
own money, find your own place to live! It's not as easy as it
"Fine I will! I'll be out of the house by tomorrow morning!"
After that she ran of the room, up the stairs to her bedroom and
slammed the door. Sora's mom broke down crying.
Things seem pretty fine to me.
Later that night Sora sneaked
downstairs to the kitchen and filled her backpack with food.
Then she went upstairs and sneaked into her parent's room and
stole her parent's wallets. She then she walked out the front
door and shut it quietly. Sora ran to the train station. She
spent the night on one of the benches.
That was the single lamest run-away ever. Seriously. Shirley
Temple put this fucker to shame. Plus, I can actually WHACK OFF
to Shirley Temple. Uh... I mean...
The next morning she went looking for a
job. She went everywhere looking for job but either she was too
young or they weren't hiring. Sora's feet hurt from walking.
Then she saw a hiring sign at a strip club and she went inside.
Girl knows a good opportunity for career advancement when she
"I'm here for a job." She told the guy
at the door.
"On second let me get the manager." He left and a bit later came
back with a tall skinny guy.
"Hello I'm Mr. Stalls the manager and owner. How may I help
Mr. Stalls... What the fuck... He sounds like a high school
"I'm here for the job."
"Well..." he said looking her over. "You're a very fine young
lady. How old are you?"
"Well 15. But I'll be 16 in a week."
"Well..." He said hesitating.
"Please sir I need the job." Sora said with urgency in her
"Ok I'll let you have the job if you can do two things."
And one of them is my taxes.
"Well one, you have to keep it a secret that your only 16 and
two, you have to give me a good show tonight."
Then he patted her on the ass, looked her deep into her
underaged eyes and said, "You can do it, Rocky."
"Ok." Sora said.
"Now go back there" He said pointing to a door "and our costume
girl will get you an outfit.
"Alright see ya tonight and get ready for the show of a life
time." Sora said going to the costume girl.
That night Sora went on and gave the show that she had promised.
She stripped down to nothing but a thong and a top that was only
had two one-inch triangles to covering her chest. After she was
done with her show she went back stage and Mr. Stalls came up to
I'm almost CERTAIN that I am aroused.
"That was the best performance ever you
got the job. You get 250 a week and anything else you pick up.
By the way I forgot to tell you that after you go on you have to
stay in your outfit and serve drinks." He said handing her a
Not dollars though. Peanut shells. You get 250 peanut shells a
week. If you do well, they move you up to cracked walnuts.
Sora just shrugged and took the tray
and started flirting and playing with all the guys she served.
Five minutes 'till closing time a guy called to Sora.
Closing time! One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey
or beer! Closing time, you don't have to go home but you CAN'T!
"Hey Pussycat!" He yelled.
Sora turned around. "Yes?"
"I'll pay you 200 bucks to come home with me tonight."
I know who I want to take me home! I know who I want to take me
home! I know who I want to take me home! Take me home!
"Sure." She said sitting on is lap.
"One sec. I'll be out in a minute." Sora got up and went
backstage. She got her tube top and put it on for a skirt and
grabbed her jacket. She went home with the guy and lost the only
morality she had left, her virginity. In the morning, Sora left
after getting her 200 dollars and went back to work to practice
that night show. Sora made immediate friends with all the girls.
Is anyone else feeling left in the dust? This story goes so
goddamned fast I can't keep up with it.
"So what's your story."? A girl named
"Ran away from home." Sora answered. "Yours?"
"Dropped out of college so my parents refused to support me."
Realistic dialogue? Pretend you believe it so.
That night Sora went home with another
guy. She went home with a different guy every night. Then one
day Sora was flirting with a guy when Tai came in. He grabbed
her and pulled her over to a table towards the back of the club.
Just in case anyone had any doubts that they were dealing with a
Digimon fan fic. Also, what the hell is Tai doing in a STRIP
CLUB? Jesus, he's only 16! This author makes me sick.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Sora asked him.
"I'm here to get you out of this place." Tai said.
"Well you can go ahead and go home cause I'm not leaving."
"Sora please I care about you and I know that you're better than
"Well I don't care about you and I'm get about 1500 dollars a
Author's Note: My '4' key is broken, so I won't be using
the dollar sign at all during this story. Let's observe the
"Sora listen to me!" Tai said shaking
"Why do I have to JERK?!"
"Sora what's happened to you? You've changed and I don't like
it. If the others could see you now! The supposive 'mother' of
the group. You've really changed."
"Supposive"? That sounds like some kind of bowl disease.
"Well sorry but I'm me and I've
I am Sam!
"Fine." With that he got up and left.
Sora for a second looked at him longingly but then she got up
and went back to the guy she had been with. She kept this up for
two years. Then a week before her 18th birthday she met the guy
of her dreams. Jimmy Deago. She spent all day and all night with
him for a week. Every passionate minute Sora thought she had
found love then the day of her birthday it changed.
Seriously, I'm totally lost. What the fuck is happening? This
story goes so goddamned fast it feels like the author wanted to
make it into a novel but was too fucking lazy. So instead he
jammed as much story into 13 pages of shitfuck as he could.
"Get out! My parents are coming for the
weekend." Jimmy yelled at Sora throwing her her clothes.
"I was embroidering those, you asshole!"
"Don't you want them to meet me?" She
"I said GET OUT HORE!" He yelled throwing her 600 bucks. "Now
I don't get why he uses numbers to express the amount of money
Sora receives, but refuses to use the '$' sign. Like he'll fuck
a guy up the ass, suck him off, but refuse to give him a handjob?
Sora broke down crying and got dressed.
She left the room and stopped at the kitchen. She grabbed a
pocketknife and ran out the door. She started to run and just
Then she ran into a Flock of Seagulls whom she became fond of.
She married the head seagull, but then he died 20 years later.
She was given 15,000 clamolas from the will and she used the
money to buy a solid gold diamond bikini that she used as a
deductible on her taxes. Also, is that foreshadowing I see? No,
no it isn't. Why not? Well...
Each step she took the tears seemed to
come out harder. She kept running until she came to a deserted
park. She sat down on a bench and took out the knife. She held
it in her shaking hand. Sora put the knife to her wrist. She put
a little pressure on it and warm red blood trickled out. Sora's
shaking hand dropped the knife. She then decided that she would
have to do it quickly and painlessly. She picked the knife up
from the ground at held it to her chest. Sora was just about to
do it when she heard some one.
"Sora, you don't want to do it." She
dropped the knife and turned around to see Tai standing next to
a tree. He walked up to her and took a napkin out of his pocket.
Who the hell walks around with a napkin in their pocket? Fuck
you Tai, you public-masturbating freak.
Tai took it and wrapped it tightly
around Sora's wrist stopping the blood.
"Thank you." She whispered and then she broke down crying again.
She flung her arms around Tai and cried on his shoulder. Tai
held her close and stroked her hair. Then he put is hands on her
shoulders and held her out in front of him.
"Stroking hair is just part of my consolation routine!"
"Sora you need help. And then you need
to go back to school." Tai said staring Sora in the eye.
Cyclops's need an education, too.
Sora nodded and then put her head back
on his shoulder and continued to cry. That night Sora spent the
night at Tai's apartment in the spare bedroom. In the morning
Tai took Sora to the local Mental Health Center.
Mental Health Center?! Wow, Tai's an asshole!
"Ladies and gentlemen I'd like you to
meet Sora Takenouchi." The leader said as she brought Sora to
"Hello Sora." They all said in unison.
The author is drawing upon his own personal experience with
mental health groups for this scene.
Sora said nothing. Then they went
around the circle everyone telling their own story to Sora. When
it came time for her Sora just sat there saying nothing. After a
long silence they moved on to another girl about a year younger
then Sora. As the girl told her story Sora noticed all the
scares the girl had on her wrist. After session Sora went up to
her room and saw the girl was her roommate.
I smell lesbian sex forthcoming!
"Hi. I'm Emily. Incase you didn't catch
it earlier." Emily said as Sora walked in.
"Hi." Sora said sitting down on her bed.
"Want one?" Emily asked holding up a bag of jellybeans.
Jelly beans... Okay...
Sora shook her head no.
WHAT?! You denied the fucking jelly beans?! Fucking bean
"You know you should talk it will get
you out of here a lot faster." Emily informed her.
"I guess, since it will make things easier." Sora mumbled.
"Promise, you'll tell me everything?" Emily said holding out her
"You promise you'll tell me everything?"
"Then I Promise." Sora said putting out her pinky and smiling.
Then they had wild passionate sex, but not before Emily revealed
herself to be a transvestite. She impregnated Sora, and on the
child's 16th birthday he plotted to kill his mother to get the
320,000 bananas worth of life insurance she has. However, what
he didn't know is that Sora was audited on her taxes and lost
"Good. So now do you want a jellybean?"
"I guess." Sora said taking some.
"So wants your story?" Emily asked. "Since you already know
"Remember you promised."
"Fine." Sora told Emily the whole story.
Omitting the hallucination in which she made out with Al Gore.
Seriously, even SHE doesn't get that one.
"I guess you really were close to that
Tai dude. Have you talked to him since the saved you?"
Seriously, this is ridiculous. Even the AUTHOR couldn't stand to
read through this bullshit to EDIT it. Why the fuck should
I have to read it?
"No. I keep hoping he'll call me but he
hasn't yet. I'm not surprised he probably wants nothing to do
with me anymore." Sora said with a tear streaming down her face.
"I'm sure that's not true. He wouldn't have saved you if he
Actually no, he just wanted her to do his taxes.
"With all that I've done there's no way
that he still cares. But I know that he's the only one for me
and I know that I've blown it with him." Sora started to cry
Oh man, now I'm hard.
"Sora there's no way he doesn't care."
Emily said going over to Sora and sitting down next to her.
Emily put her arms her and hugged her.
Is it possible for me to be more hard? I have like, twelve
"Thank You." Sora said hugging her
Sora started talking in sessions and pretty soon she was almost
back to normal. She had made friends with another girl named
I love how the author makes all these incredibly American names
for non-canon characters. Especially the ones with an 'L' in
their names. Nice research, you dumbshit.
One day Emily came into the room
"What's wrong?" Sora asked rushing over.
"I just got a call from the hospital my parents have been killed
and my sister's brain has been so badly damaged that even if
they managed to get her stable she would be like a vegetable for
the rest of her life. They asked me weather or not I wanted them
to try to save her or not and I said no."
Whether you use the correct 'whether' in a sentence will weather
my decision on whether or not to give you the weather. You
"Oh Emily" Ashley said coming over and
putting her arm around her.
When the fuck did THIS relationship start? Also, what kind of
consolation is that? Your parents just died, your sister's a
fucking vegetable, you're in a mental hospital with a suicidal
stripper and a sociological dyke, and your entire life is an
incoherently-written piece of shit conjured up by some asshole.
A lot of good someone saying your fucking name is gonna do.
In the morning Emily didn't come to
breakfast. After she ate Sora
Tee hee, peer editing is fun. Remember prospective fan fiction
writers, commas are your friends. Also, I'm going to murder you
in your sleep.
went up stairs to see if Emily was
coming to session. Sora walked in and saw Emily lying on her bed
not breathing. Sora looked and the bedside table and saw a
needle. Sora rushed over and shook Emily.
"Emily wake up! Please wake up!" Sora said starting to cry. "
Please wake up! Emily! Some one help me! She's not breathing!
Please some one!"
Is anyone else tired of Sora being a fucking cry-baby? "Oh my
first love left me!" "Oh you saved me from killing myself!" "Oh
my only friend is dead!" Whiney bitch.
A person from another group heard her
and came running in. He immediately saw what happened and ran to
the front desk. A minute later the building doctor was in the
room and some security guards in the room. Sora was hysterical.
It took two guards to hold her back.
A five-foot-nothing Japanese girl. Wow, guys. That's pathetic.
"I afraid to inform you." The doctor told Sora a little bit
later. "That Emily managed to get a hold of some very powerful
drugs and she injected them in herself last night. We would have
had to get to her with in five minutes to have saved her."
"The good news is, you get a lollipop for being such a good
Sora just sat there. She felt numb. She couldn't think. The
words she's dead just stuck in her head. After that Sora stopped
talking again. The only person she would talk to was Ashley and
then it was only briefly.
Well, at least now we can have some character development for Ashley.
"I'm being released on Friday." Ashley told Sora on a Monday
Fuck you man.
The pain in Sora's heart grew even more with those few words.
Sora secluded herself even more from the group that week. Before
she left Ashley sat down by Sora who was on her bed just staring
at the wall.
Evidently she got a hold of "some very powerful drugs" herself.
"Sora," She said grabbing Sora's wrist and rubbing her fingers
over the scare.
AHH! Don't sneak up on me like that, you scarred me!
"Every time you look at this I want you to remember. Remember
me, remember Emily and remember everything wrong that has
happened in your life. Then I want you to rub your finger over
and remember you're not alone.
"Then I want you to rub your 'honeypot' and video tape it and
send it to the addresses I've highlighted here."
I never told you my story but you told me many times what yours
was. I want to tell you something." Ashley pulled up her sleeve
and rubbed something of her wrist. Then she moved her fingers
revealing a scare.
Nothing can be scarier than reading this fucking piece of shit.
"My story is the same as yours except I actually almost
"I'm better than you!"
See I thought no one cared about me and it was true. I cut my
wrist like you did but I actually hit the vein. A person walking
in the park saw me and called 991.
"That person was a retarded asshole. Thankfully, someone called
the right number twenty minutes later and I survived."
After I did it all I thought about was how I could I have done
this to myself? I was ending my life when it was just beginning.
I was rushed to the hospital and I almost died. After a
recovered I was immediately sent here."
Sora looked up at her, "I never knew." She whispered.
The More You Know!
"No one did. I don't want you doing what I did.
You know... again.
Trying to end my life when it was just beginning. Don't let what
you've done in the past effect what you do today. Goodbye my
friend. I'll see you again."
"Goodbye" Sora managed to choke out.
After Ashley left Sora went to session.
"Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to meet Krista Anderson."
Do I smell plot advancement? No, that's just lesbian sex again.
Sora looked at her. When Krista did what she had done on the
first day Sora decided that she would do for Krista what Emily
had done for her.
So, she gave her a jelly bean and then OD'd on "some very
All went well and two weeks later Sora was released
The day she left Sora went immediately to the mall and got some
jeans, some normal length shorts, and some real t-shirts.
None of those fake t-shirt shits. Straight for the Trogdor
That morning Sora's mom woke rather late. She was in the middle
of making herself breakfast when she heard the doorbell ring.
She went to the door and opened it. She saw Sora standing there
and she broke down. Sora dropped the bags she had in her hands
and through her arms around her mother. Sora also began to cry.
Then they had incestual, tribal sex, and tried to join together
in holy matrimony but the wedding would have cost 7,000 slammas,
so instead they just did their taxes.
"Oh mom!" Sora said crying harder. They sat down at the kitchen
table and Sora told her everything as she ran her finger across
the scare on her wrist. Sora stayed there for a while. Then one
night as Sora laid in her bed not being able to sleep, she
listened in on her parent's conversation through the wall.
She began wondering why her mother had stopped taking the pills
for her multiple personality disorder, but decided it was better
not to ask.
"Honey," She heard her mom say. "I'm really glad that Sora's
back but I'm just finding it very hard to love her and to be
proud of her."
"I know." She heard her father answer back. "But she's our
daughter and we have to try. At least she's finally come home."
"I know, I know."
Then Sora heard the light click and she knew they had gone to
She quickly rushed to the computer, went to Newgrounds, and
played the dress-up games. Quietly, in the dark, she fingered
herself like crazy; always looking over her shoulder should her
parents wake up.
In the morning Sora got all the money she had gotten over the
years and called the airport to reserve a ticket.
She also made a long distance call to Mimi asking if she could
crash there for a while.
More character injection. I had almost forgot that I was reading
a Digimon fan-fiction for a second there. For that second, that
ONE FUCKING SECOND, I had almost redeemed the author in my mind.
That night Sora again sneaked out of the house. She had called a
cab to take her to the airport. Once she got there she walked
into the airport and went through everything. While she was
sitting waiting for the flight a woman her age came over.
"Hello my names Sarah. Do mind if I sit next to you?" Sarah
Author's Note: I felt the need to re-iterate what Sarah's
name was for the retards, who are undoubtedly the only ones
stupid enough to have read this far into this god-awful story.
"No I don't mind. My names Sora." Sora said feeling her eye
witch now was really swollen.
I don't know which witch is which!
"Ouch. What happened?" Sarah asked looking at her eye.
"Oh nothing. Just an accident." Sora said a little to quickly.
Sarah began to suspect something. Instinctively, she reached for
her trusted .45 Magnum she nicknamed 'Shooty' and blew her way
the fuck out of this fucking story.
"I'm studying to be doctor and I know that was no accident."
So Sora told her the whole story from when she was almost 16 to
"Man that's really sad. So you haven't heard from that Tai dude.
Man that's got to suck."
Tony Montana: Psychologist.
"Now Loading Flight #3546 People with seating #'s 1-39 please
How do you pronounce "#"?
"Well that's me." Sora said getting up.
"Me too. What number are you?"
"Really I'm 35."
Well, what a plot device! I mean coincidence! No... I mean plot
"Well good I get to sit next to some one who will actually
They got on the plane and began to talk. They talked about all
sorts of things but mainly about Sora's adventures in the
"That's really fascinating."
Sarah said as Sarah desperately hammered down on the call button
for the flight attendant, hoping that someone will save Sarah
from this fucking lunatic beside her. Sarah often speaks about
Sarah in the third-person, thus no one will ever forget her
name. Sarah Sarah Sarah.
"Ladies and Gentlemen we'll be landing soon please fasten your
seatbelts and put your tray tables in the upright and locked
They followed the directions and then continued to talk.
"Man that went really fast.
No fucking joke.
Here's the number of where I'm staying call me and maybe we can
get together sometime." Sora said handing Sarah a slip of paper.
It was a 1-900 number.
"Sure. Here's mine." Sarah said giving Sora a slip of paper.
"I'll call you. Oh here's my ride bye."
"By Sora! Don't forget to call."
By the power of Grayskull!
"Mimi!" Sora yelled running up to Mimi and giving her a hug.
"Sora!" Mimi yelled hugging her back.
HOT LESBIAN ACTION!
"It's been way to long."
"I know. So what have you been doing lately Sora?"
You know, it's just too easy at this point.
And once again Sora told the whole story to her.
It's like the fic is taunting me, seriously.
Meanwhile Mrs. Takenouchi got up late again. She came down the
stairs and saw a note on the kitchen table. It said:
I've left again for the last time without warning. I'll be back
some day, when you can love me and be proud of me. I'll ya.
How the fuck did she sleep this fucking long? Even assuming Sora
was able to get a ticket to New York on the same day as the
flight, it would have been some budget-ass flight that made
stops in like, Greenland for some gay reason. Also, why New
York? Shouldn't it be somewhere in Japan? No wait, that would
make sense, and obviously that's not what the author was going
Mrs. Takenouchi sat down at the table in shock. Then she broke
down crying. Mr. Takenouchi came in hearing his wife crying and
read the note he sat down next to her held her.
"So Sora here's are lovely house. I'm afraid Matt won't be here
for a week or so. He's of doing a gig in D.C."
I wasn't aware of Mimi's Russian background, but evidently she
just throws prepositions left, right, and center.
"That's fine though I can't wait to see him it's been way to
long. Mimi your house is gorgeous!"
Now, nothing to do with the fan-fic, but 'gorgeous', to me,
always looks like it's spelled wrong.
"Thank you. You'll be staying in here. My bedroom is just down
the hall." Mimi said leading Sora into a cute little bedroom
with a twin bed. It was mainly green.
Sexual... overtones... overloading libido! Wait, green?
Sora staid at Mimi's place for a while getting her high school
diploma. After she finished with the she started thinking about
her career. She decided to try for acting or singing. One time
when Sora was out with Sarah they started talking about careers.
"What do you want to do with your life Sora?" Sarah asked.
"I want to get into acting or singing."
"Really! My friend Lia just told me about an audition for a new
movie coming out."
"Really I should try out."
I'm really convinced she's excited about this. I never thought
that a line of dialogue spoken by a character in a story could
actually be acted poorly.
"I have the information in my purse somewhere." She said digging
through her purse.
"Let's see... Condoms... Used condoms... Shotgun shells... Hello
Kitty vibrator... My taxes..."
"Ah here." Sarah said handing Sora a piece of paper.
"Thank you. Ooh I got to go. See ya later."
Where exactly? Away from this fucking story?
"Bye Sora. How about lunch next Saturday before the audition?"
"Sure. Alright see ya."
Sora prepared all week for the audition. On Saturday she went to
lunch then went straight to the audition.
She was excited to go to the audition. She hoped she would do
well at the audition. At night, she had nightmares at the
audition where she was naked at the audition and it wasn't an
audition at all. Also, with my limited experience in "the biz",
I'm pretty sure that you need all of a resume, an agent, a
career, and fake tits to even be allowed in the door at
auditions. But whatever, this story sucks anyway, so I'll let
him have this one.
"Thank you we'll call you in two days to tell you weather you
got the part or not."
Outlook is... CLOUDY!
Sora left and two days later she got a call.
"Hello I'm calling about the audition."
"We're going to need to see you do it without your clothes on."
"I afraid you didn't get it."
"I'm not going to tell you my name, the name of the movie you
were auditioning for, or what casting company we're with. You
just failed that hard."
"Oh. Well thank you."
(Click) Matt came in.
Pelvic thrusting the door to splinters.
"So did you get it?"
Whoa Ted, that's like, totally bogus.
Sora was kind of down in the dumps the rest of the week.
Seriously, who the fuck says down in the dumps anymore. Asshole.
Then on Friday she got a call Mimi picked up the phone.
"My please speak to Sora Takenouchi."
"Ah, apologizing. English is the not very happy for me-ing."
"One second let me get her. Sora phone for you."
Sora came in and took the phone.
Who told you to answer the phone! Now get back in your cage!
"Is this Sora?"
"I was at your audition Saturday and I heard you sing. I'm
calling to offer you a record deal. Can you come to 1515 N.
Broadway tomorrow at three?"
Because many nameless recording studios often lay everything on
the line for raccoon-eyed Japanese sluts who failed so hard at
an audition that THEY WERE THERE TO WITNESS she didn't even get
a fucking call-back. What the fuck?!
"Ok see you tomorrow."
"Oh my god oh my god!!!!!!!!!"
"I just had my first period! I mean exclamation mark?"
"What, what is it." Mimi asked confused.
Matt hearing all the noise came rushing in. "What happened?
"Nothing's wrong I just got a call for a record deal." Sora was
going hysterical along with Mimi. They were jumping around in
circle's holding hands.
Please... let it stop...
"GIRLS! CALM DOWN!" Matt yelled putting his hands on their
Seriously, Matt. You're gay.
"Sorry I'm just so happy! This is the first time anything good
has happened to me in a long time."
Sora went to the meeting and signed the papers. She worked
really hard and 5 months later her first album came out. It was
an instant hit.
Despite the fact that she has no singing talent, the record was
never given a title or even distributed, it somehow broke
platinum. In fact, it was the first record ever to go "diamond",
and she made millions. Even though it was the
only album she ever recorded, twenty-five years later she was
admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and as such was
permitted to include heroin and gin as dependants on her taxes.
Sora had never been happier in her life. Though she had never
been happier Sora still felt something was missing. Sora was so
overwhelmed that she never had time to think about it.
One day Mrs. Takenouchi was flipping channels when she came to
MTV. She saw Sora on the screen singing in a video. Then Carson
Daily came on.
God I hate that guy...
"That was just the new hit from Sora Takenouchi."
She began to cry out of happiness.
"Thank Mary that skank bitch finally made something of her life!
I'm not such an awful mother after all!"
Sora was packing to go see her parents when the doorbell rang.
"Coming!" Sora yelled walking to the door. She opened it and saw
Tai standing there. Sora began to cry. She threw her arms around
him. He put his arms around her and held her close. Then he
loosed his grip so he could see Sora's face.
He then proceeded to vomit, and ran away apologizing and
urinating on himself.
"I thought you didn't care anymore." Sora whispered.
"Sora I will always care about you."
"Oh Tai!" Sora said pulling him closer to her.
"Sora I know it's out of the blue but I've loved you since we
were in first grade. Will, will you marry me."
"WILL will you marry me?" Every male character in this story is
Sora looked up at him a little shocked. Then she put her head on
I can't even make a joke out of this.
"Yes" Then she looked up at him and moved her face closer, and
closer to his until there was barley any room between them. Then
they kissed. Sora felt so happy at that moment she felt she
could have touched the sky. Tai then slipped a ring on Sora's
It was an onion ring.
At that moment Matt and Mimi came home.
Disco dancing the entire house to ruins.
"Hello you two. Tai! What are you doing here?"
I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
NO I WILL NOT SAY IT!!!!
"I think this will explain it better." Sora said holding out her
"Oh my GOD!!" Mimi screamed. And once again they were jumping
around in circles.
"Tai" Sora said after calming down. " I'm kind of leaving in
about an hour to go back to see my parents."
"Well, not really. The restraining order that EVERY airline has
on me sort of restricts that."
"That's ok. I also had tickets back for today. Two in fact."
"Both for me. All mine. Fuck you guys."
"Oh well what are we going to do with an extra ticket?' Sora
"Hold on one second." Matt said rushing to the phone. He dialed
a number and put the phone to his ear.
He put the wrong end to his ear, and everyone began questioning
his mental stability.
"Hello" A lady answered.
"I was curios do you have any seats left for flight 4943?"
Curios? Like, some twisted flavor of Cheerios made out of The
Man In The Yellow Hat?
"One second let me check. Ah yes we have a couple left."
"Can you reserve me one?"
"Yeah sure! I am the owner of the airport you know."
I HAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING POWER! ALL OF YOU ARE PEASANTS!
PEASANTS COMPARED TO ME!
"I know, I know."
"Well got to go. Talk to ya later."
"Well guys it looks like we're all going home for a visit. That
is if I can buy that extra ticket form you Tai."
"Oh yeah sure." Tai said pulling the extra one out.
He then pulled out his dick and demanded a blumpkin. If you
don't know what that is, I highly suggest you do NOT look it up.
"Well we had better get packing." Mimi said.
Packing fudge? Packing cloths? Packing heat? I hope it's that
"Yeah and I still need to finish." Sora replied.
"I'll help you Sora." Tai said following Sora into her room.
Sora quickly finished packing. Then she loaded her stuff into
the cab that had just arrived. Mimi and Matt came out a few
minutes later. They stuffed into the cab and went to the
But it turns out it wasn't just any cab, it was a Justice Cab,
and within the cab there was lots of stuff for justice, which
they used, from the cab, to unload justice on anyone stupid
enough to have read this much of this godawful piece of shit.
I've had more fun doing my taxes.
They check in their bags and did everything else they had to do.
Which involved being taken into a room, stripped down, and
having a customs agent search through their asses. Matt and Tai
enjoyed this thoroughly.
A while later they were sitting in there seats waiting for the
plane to take off.
"Well I can't wait to see my future sister in law again. And I
can't wait to see my parents." Sora said as they waited to take
"Yeah. I've missed Kari a lot. I also haven't visited my parents
in like a year. I've kind of on purpose gotten 'lost'." Tai said
staring at his watch.
It was broken, and Mickey's hands always pointed to 6:30,
because it looks like he's touching himself.
"Yeah I've missed TK and Kari a lot too. And I haven't been back
home for about three years." Matt said thinking hard.
Thinking REAL hard.
"I know we haven't Matt you've been too busy!" Mimi said
playfully hitting him.
"So Sora what has happened to you since I last saw you?" Tai
asked as Mimi and Matt started kissing.
"Well..." And Sora told him everything that had happened since
he had taken her to the hospital.
"I'm sorry I was the cause of some your pain."
"I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with
"That's okay." Sora said as she put her head on Tai's shoulder.
"I'm kind of tired I was up late last night so I'm going to
sleep know." Sora drifted off into sleep. Tai looked down at her
The roofie worked!
Sora woke about 10 hours later to find that they were about to
"(Yawn) Ah man that was a long sleep."
Either the author doesn't realize that parenthesis mean that
it's an author's note, or that comment is very telling.
"Yeah you slept for ten hours."
They landed and then they all went to a hotel to stay the night
because it was to late at night for an unscheduled visit. In the
morning Mimi and Matt went in one cab, Tai went in another, and
Sora went in another.
Just one taxi isn't good enough for these kids. Oh no, they need
a whole fucking convoy to get across town.
That morning Mrs. Takenouchi had gotten up rather early has she
had been doing all week. She was in the middle of reading the
newspaper when she heard the doorbell.
"Coming" She opened the door to once again see Sora standing
there. "Oh Sora." She said wrapping her arms around her daughter
and beginning to cry.
Déjà vu? No, the author just sucks.
"Mom now you can love me and be proud of me." Sora said also
beginning to cry.
"I will always love you and be proud of you!" Mrs. Takenouchi
said hugging Sora so tight that she could barely breath.
About an hour later the phone rang.
"Hello" Sora answered.
"Hey it's me."
"The audition people? The record distributor? That fuck who
slept with me? JESUS?!"
"Oh hi Tai."
"Oh, you're stupid and lame."
"Can I come over now?"
"Sure my parents are both home."
"Ok be over in a minute."
"Uh mom can you teach me to cook?"
I'm not even going to put in an effort anymore.
"Sure sweetie. Why all the sudden do you want to learn?"
At least someone in this story is a voice of reason.
"Well I can't cook at all and since your such a wonderful cook I
was wondering if you could teach me."
"Teach me to be a powerful Sauceror like yourself!"
"I got to remember to act like I can't cook and keep her busy
for a little bit 'till Tai comes." Sora thought in her head.
She accidentally said this aloud, and landed herself back in the
About a half hour later the doorbell rang.
At the wrong house. A hearty laugh was had by all.
"Coming" Sora yelled she opened the door just a crack and looked
out she saw Tai standing there. "On second."
Sora whispered. "Uh Mom, Dad could you come in here for a
"Coming sweetie." Mr. Takenouchi yelled.
When they were both in living room Sora continued.
"Uh Mom, Dad I have another surprise for you.
"You see that boy out there? I want money for surgery to become
one of those."
I would like you to meet my fiancé." She said as she opened the
door revealing Tai.
"Oh Sora! I'm so happy for you." Mrs. Takenouchi said hugging
"I'm proud of ya son." Mr. Takenouchi said shaking Tai's hand.
Umm... Wrong one, Mr. Takenouchi...
"Uh, thank you." Tai said a little weirded out by the "son" bit.
"Uh, mom Tai and need to go we got a lot of things to do." Sora
said calming down her mother. "And also I have another thing to
tell you. Um... on the plane ride here we decided to live in
America. We decided that because of my career."
"I know a lot of people don't know it, but I'm famous!"
Nothing else need be said.
"Well we got to go. We'll be back in bit but I still need to
tell my family about this all, we need to visit TK and Kari, and
we need to visit Izzy, and Joe.
Joe? Where... I... What the fuck.
Love ya mom." He said giving Mrs. Takenouchi a kiss on the
cheek. "Uh by dad." He said shaking Mr. Takenouchi's hand.
He gave it back and Mr. Takenouchi replaced his prosthetic
forearm, a little weirded out by the "dad" bit.
"By mom bye dad." Sora said giving them each a hug.
Why, no, HOW is only ONE 'bye' spelled right in a single
Tai put his arm around Sora and they walked out the door. Sora
stood on the curb as Tai started to walk away.
She bitch slapped him and then curb stomped that fucker.
"Where's the cab or whatever?" Sora said looking around.
"This is my car." Tai said unlocking it and getting in.
Once again, it's not essential that you know what kind of car it
is. Use your IMAGINATION!
"Awesome car." Sora said getting in on the other side.
It runs on cat feces, and if you make engine noises it's really
cool. VROOM VROOOOM!
"You like it?"
"Like it? I love it. When did you get it?"
"Well about 2 weeks ago. I kind of got for... well... us. I
bought it before I came to see you."
Did no one see any possible consequences in his line of actions
should Sora have refused? "What, you don't want to marry me?! I
BOUGHT A FUCKING CAR! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME BITCH, GET IN THE
TRUNK! ... I love you honey."
"It's the best present I've ever gotten." She said leaning over
and kissing him on the cheek. "Where shall we go next?"
I swear that the first time I read that I thought it said "my
penis", and the story suddenly got a lot more interesting.
After that things went rather quickly. First she and Tai were
talking about whom to invite and next thing she knew it was the
night before the wedding.
Author's Note: In keeping with the tradition of the
story, I decided to forgo EVERYTHING I thought was vital plot
points, necessary description, or anything that makes sense.
The night before the wedding Sora lay a
wake thinking about the next day.
"Why am I so nervous? I mean this is stupid why should I be
nervous? I'm making the right choice. Aren't I? But what if it's
not the right choice? What if... I got to stop thinking these
thoughts. The only one right for me is Tai and now I can spend
the rest of my life with him." Sora thought as she closed her
eyes and drifted into sleep.
In the morning Sora's alarm woke her at
5 a.m. The wedding was at 3:00 and there were a lot of things
still to do.
Like building a wall out of the bodies of the dead Persians?
Mimi and Kari (Sora's brides maids)
came with her everywhere she went that day.
Brides maids? Two of them? Oh man are THEY going to be
"Where we going first Sis?" Kari asked
as they got in Tai's car around 8.
"Witch one?" Mimi asked.
The author's obvious inexperience with how wedding preparations
work is very telling of their personal experience with the
"First we get our dresses. Then we get
our nails done. Then a quick trip to the mall. After the mall we
get our hair done. Then we go to the church and get ready."
Nothing like window shopping on your wedding day. At five in the
"Sounds like a long day and a lot of
walking. I haven't done much walking since we went to the
AH HA HA HA HA! OH YOU CLEVER SON OF A BITCH!
"Same old Mimi." Sora said giving a
"Yep. Same old Mimi."
"Hey what's wrong with me? What makes
the fact that I'm 'the same old Mimi' make me funny?"
"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL!"
Meems... Fucking Meems. Now the author is giving pet names to
characters in an fucking KIDS' anime show?
Sora said winking at Kari. "You know
what's really weird? All us, the original 8 are going to be
related except for Joe and Izzy."
Yeah, those two can go fuck themselves.
"Yeah that is weird. I mean imagine
we're all going to be basically sisters."
Including Matt and Tai.
"Yeah and if there's a Kamiya or Ishida
reunion then will all be there." Mimi said saying something that
was actually thoughtful.
Unlike the rest of this fucking story.
"Well let's go." Sora said driving off.
They did everything on the list and then went to the church.
Unfortunately, Tai's a Muslim.
They got ready. The bride's maid's
dresses were white with spaghetti straps.
Uh oh, Spaghetti-Os!
It hugged at the top and around the
waist they flowed out a bit. Sora's dress was a plain white
"Meh. It looks good enough."
They were in the misted of changing
when there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it we're changing at the moment." Sora said.
"Can I come in?"
"As long as you're not a guy."
The door opened and the girl slipped in.
"Ahaha! I'm a man!"
"Oh my god! Sarah!" Sora said rushing
over and giving her a hug.
Lesbian sex on your wedding day. Great way to start off a
relationship that began two days ago.
"Hey I'm here with my dress and
"Good. Come on we only have an hour and a half 'till the
"I'm coming, I'm coming."
OH GOD SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK! I CAN'T STOP MYSELF!! DO NOT
UNLEASH THE BEAST!!!
They all got dressed and ready to go.
It was about five minutes before the wedding when there was
another knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Sora said a little annoyed.
"It's Tai." Tai said walking in with his hand over his eyes.
Lest he should induce vomiting again.
"What are you doing here? You know your
not suppose to see the bride before the wedding." Kari scolded
She gave him a swift kick in the crotch.
"Yeah I know why else do you think I
have my hands over my eyes. Ok we only have 5 minutes. You girls
ready?" "Yeah will be out in a minute."
Paragraph breaks? Unnecessary!
"Alright see ya sweetie. I can't wait."
And he left.
"Ok let's go. You guys go out there and I'll be there in a
In case you didn't know how weddings worked.
"Okay" Mimi said putting the last
touches on Sora's look. They all left and Sora stood in the room
alone. She looked into the mirror at her face.
"My GOD I'm ugly..."
"I'm ready and I'm making the right
decision." She told her self quietly.
And she switched her car insurance to GEICO.
She walked out of the room and stood be
hide her little flower girl. The little girl was Sarah's
"Okay guys, we've taken care of every last detail of the wedding
within a four-hour timeframe." "What about the flower girl?"
"I'm counting on deus ex machina in the form of someone whom
I've met previously in my inane, non-sequitur travels over the
past two weeks." "I see no flaws in this line of reasoning."
Sora was so nervous she thought she
would faint. Then it was her turn. Mr. Takenouchi took Sora's
hand and they walked down the isle. As soon as Sora got up there
and looked in Tai's eyes all doubt left her. As the preacher
recited everything Sora barely listen.
Gunfire tends to muffle that.
She could not take her eyes off Tai.
And his incredibly gay pink tuxedo.
"Do you Sora Takenouchi take Tai Kamiya
to be lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold through
sickness and in health 'till death do you part?"
"And do you Tai Kamiya take Sora Takenouchi to be your lawful
wedded wife? To have and to hold through sickness and in health
'till death do you part?"
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
A single tear of happiness fell down Sora's smiling face.
The Botox really does wonders!
She pulled Tai to her and gave him a
single magical and long kiss.
Unfortunately, it was black magic and both were transported to a
place of unspeakable terror, where monsters roam free and all
the humans, or "trainers" have been killed by a monster
overlord. In order to combat this overlord, Tai and Sora must
master their own monsters' ability to transfigure into larger,
more powerful monsters, as well as cope with the incredibly vast
and barren lands.
Ahaha, no, that's just stupid.
Then after pictures, they left to go to
the reception. Before they left Sora changed (so she could dance
and stuff a lot easier) into a short, white, spaghetti strap
dress. She had so much fun but she kept looking for Ashley. She
had said that she was coming. A little before the reception was
over a girl that could not have been older then 16 came up to
Sora carrying a little baby.
"Hello I'm Ashley's sister, Sam."
"Nice to meet you but where's Ashley?"
"I don't want you."
"I'm afraid that she and her husband
were killed in a terrible car crash."
OH HO HO! PLOT TWIST!
"What?" Sora was so shaken she had to
use a table to catch herself from falling. Tai helped her into a
"I was Ashley's and Greg's (her husband) only living relative
that is sober or mentally healthy. I was living with Ashley when
she was killed. See Ashley and I were the only two alive of my
family and I had no one else to live with. So, she became my
legal guardian. Before she died, she said that she wanted you to
take care of her daughter.
This is Sora she was named after you."
In case she didn't know her own name, stupid bitch.
Sam said holding out little Sora. Sora
stood up shakily. She took little Sora and held her in her arms.
"She so beautiful." Sora said smiling with tears running down
her face. "Do you have anybody taking care of you?"
"No but I'll manage."
"No believe me you won't. You're coming to stay with me."
Oh ho ho, see what that is? That's what is called a moral! There
WAS a point to this story after all. Now aren't you glad you
read the whole thing? No, me neither.
"Oh my god you mean in America? With
"Fuck you never talk to me again!"
Thank You!" Sam said running up and
giving Sora a hug.
"Let's go." Tai said. And they said their goodbyes and left. As
Sora looked down at little Sora, she fell even more in love with
She decided to marry him.
Well, there you have it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to go cut my wrists.
-Written by Styles Rockman.