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Pilot Episode: "Dragonball: A New Beginning"
(A 'DragonBall' fanfiction by DarkDragon666)


Greetings! No doubt my sheer accident, you have stumbled upon a very special preview of what is sure to be America's next biggest fad: Project A.F.T.E.R. Before you go hitting the 'Back' button on your browser like your brain is most likely instructing you to do right now, please take a moment to find out what PA is all about. You see, this somewhat experimental venture into the wide and often frightening world of amateur writing is the result of one man's dream for a better future. A future free of something that has plagued mankind for centuries... I am talking, of course, about bad anime fanfiction.

In an effort to contain and perhaps one day obliterate this very threat to human existence, I have developed Project A.F.T.E.R., which is short for Project Anime Fanfiction: Twisted Entertainment Review.

Within this demonstration of human ingenuity at its finest, I will select promising pieces of anime fanfiction that have sadly ended up in the realm of awfulness. By providing an astute running commentary within the fanfiction, I hope to inform readers of how to identify bad fanfics, and even more importantly, how to avoid writing them. It may seem to some of you like little more than an unoriginal and malicious outburst to help me feel better about my own inner suffering, but I assure you that I am doing this strictly for the good of humanity! Why? Because that's just the kind of selfless guy I am.

The story I now present to you is a short one, yet is the perfect epitome of fanfiction gone wrong. Written by the grimly named DarkDragon666, "Dragonball: A New Beginning" is the retelling of the beginning of Akira Toriyama's classic anime fighting comedy, and will also serve as a new beginning in the fight for a future without the loathsome presence of bad anime fanfiction.

Please note that the original story (which has not been edited in any way... unfortunately) is in red text, while my comments remain in white.
 

With that out of the way, please "enjoy" the show.

 


 

Hey guys! One thing first. I DO NOT OWN DRAGONBALL OR I DID NOT MAKE IT UP! All I'm doing is taking Dragonball and changing it around and adding a whole new storyline.

And by "whole new storyline", you mean you added one new character and basically followed the existing DragonBall storyline.

If you see this please IM me!

This guy must be some kind of masochist who enjoys receiving verbal abuse from strangers or something.

Dragonball: A New Beginning

Chapter 1: The World's Strongest


That's odd. That title seems kinda familiar for some reason...

(Scene starts with chibi(kid) Goku and his grandpa, Gohan, sparring)

Goku: Time out!!!


Their matches only go for a few seconds at a time, apparently.

Gohan: What is it, Goku?

Goku: When are you going to teach me the Kamehameha wave?


Gohan: Right after you master that whole 'peeing inside in the bowl' thing, Goku.

Gohan: Soon, Goku, soon.

(A mile away)


...Things not related to this story are happening.

Bulma: Oooo! I'm getting closer to the Dragonball.

(Bulma gets in her car and drives toward her destination)


Bulma: White Castle, here I come!

Goku: Gramps! Do you hear that?

Gohan: Yes, I do! I wonder what it is...?


It's the sound of every DragonBall fan who has ever read this story repeatedly banging their heads against hard, metallic objects.

(A car comes into view)

Goku: Yaaaaa!!! It's a monster!!!!!!!!!!

Gohan: Oh, no Goku. This is a car.


Wait. So, Gohan knew what a car was, yet he didn't recognize the sound of a car when he heard it? By "changing around the storyline", DarkDragon666 must have meant he was going to infuse it with glaring plot holes.

Goku: Wow! ( Goku just stands there staring at the car in amazement)

(Bulma climbs out of the car with a machine gun in her hand)


Oh, snap! Bulma has joined up with the authorities and she knows about Gohan's stash!

Goku: Look! A demon is coming out of it!

Bulma: Oh there it is! (Bulma points at Gohan's necklace) That's the Dragonball! Oh, can I please have it?

Gohan: Why would you want it?.


Hold on, if you're going to properly rip off DragonBall's storyline here, you should've at least stayed somewhat true to the source material and had him demand to see her panties first.

Bulma: Fine then. If you're not going to give it to me, I guess I'll have to use force.(Bulma starts shooting at Gohan with her machine gun)

This may seem like excessive force to you and me, but Bulma is no stranger to gunning down old people and little children simply because they won't readily hand over their valuables.

Goku: No!!!!!!!! Grandpa!!!!!!!

(Gohan catches every bullet and throws them on the floor)


Personally, I think it would have been cooler if Gohan had bent over backwards, barely dodging each bullet in slow-motion as they shot right past him, leaving rippled trails in the air. But hey, whatever. Not my fanfic.

Bulma: Who are you??!

Chapter 2: Gohan and Goku

Gohan: My name is Son Gohan. This is Son Goku.


"No relation to Daughter Gohan or Daughter Goku."

(Gohan gets into a fighting stance)

Gohan: Stand back, Goku! Now, prepare to fight!!!

Bulma: I surrender! I'm just a poor little girl?


Uh, I don't know. Are you?

Goku: How'd she get the car if she's poor.?

How does Goku know that cars cost money if he thought they were monsters? Hell, how does Goku even know about money, for that matter!?

Gohan: Really? A girl? I haven't seen a girl in a good 20 years!

Bulma: Well I'm a girl! What do I look like?

Goku: I thought that she was a man.


Oh, Goku! Your blind innocence is so delightfully wacky!

Gohan: So how about some lunch at my place?

Bulma: That sounds great! By the way, I'm Bulma. Bulma Briefs,


Bulma: Oh, and sorry about trying to rob you and then kill you. Tee hee! It's almost kind of funny, looking back on it.

(They go to Gohan's house)

Bulma: No electricity? You could use a little remodeling..

Gohan: Today we have fish for lunch!


Gohan is quick to change the subject away from remodeling due to the many bodies he has secretly hoarded away inside the drywall.

Goku: Yay! One of my favorites.

(They finish eating and go outside)


I'm glad that the author isn't bogging down the pace of the story with tons of unnecessary details. Like, for instance, what the hell is going on.

Bulma: How strong are you Son Goku?

Goku: You can call me Goku. I'd say I'm pretty strong. (Goku gets 6 bricks) I can break all 6 bricks with only one finger!


Well that's a handy skill... At least when wrestlers rip phonebooks in half it makes them easier to shred for recycling.

(Goku breaks all 6 bricks with only his finger)

Bulma: :Stares: OH MY GOD!!!


Hey, that was the exact same reaction I had when I first realized this story wasn't just somebody's idea for a sick joke.

Goku: Cool, huh? I'm trying to be as strong as my gramps.

Bulma: :Just stands staring: You mean your grandpa is even stronger!!!


*sigh* Yeah, Bulma. That would shock me, too. I mean, just because he friggin' CAUGHT MACHINEGUN BULLETS WITH HIS BARE HANDS isn't any indication that he'd be strong or anything! Retard.

Bulma: : Thinking: I can use their strength. :

Gohan: So what were these "Dragonballs", you called them?

Bulma: Well I found one in my cellar


That's where she goes to smoke.

and I also found an ancient story saying if you gather all 7 dragonballs and chant the right chant the dragon god Shenlong appears! He'll grant you one wish. Each ball is translucent orange with red stars in them from on star to seven. Neat, huh?

Bulma: Here. You can read more about them in this handy pamphlet I always carry with me.

Goku: That's awesome!!! I want to go see the dragon!

Gohan: Me too! Can we go with you, Bulma?

Bulma: Sure!


And thus, the quest begins!

Chapter3: The Quest Begins

Oh! Oh! Who called it! ...Alright, so I read ahead a little bit.

Bulma: Alright! We'll all ride in my car. The next dragonball is about 200 kilometers to the east.

(They get in the car)

Goku: I'm hungry!


Well, at least DarkDragon666 managed to capture the depth and complexity of Goku's character pretty accurately.

Bulma: We just ate!

Goku: I know, but can't you hear my stomach?

(A dinosaur roar comes)

Bulma: Looks like we got a dino on our tail!


I can almost picture Jeff Goldblum in the back seat yelling at them to drive faster.

Goku: No! That was my stomach!

Bulma & Gohan: (in unison) Oh, Goku!

*Cue Scooby Doo-esque laugh track*

Bulma: Here's some turkey. Knock yourself out.

Who the HELL carries turkey with them when they're just driving around?

Goku: Okay!!!

(Goku eats the turkey and then instantly falls asleep)


Bulma: YES! The poison is working!

3 hours later

That's what I like about this fic. It doesn't slow down to take care of cumbersome tasks like making sense.

Bulma: I think we should stop. This is pretty good for the day.

Gohan: Okay.

(They get out of the car)

Bulma: You guys better stand back. Hoi poi!


Bulma threw a capsule at the ground, but was quickly overcome by embarrassment as she realized that she had thrown down one of her anti-depressant pills by mistake.

(A house appears out of a capsule)

:Goku and Gohan stand there and stare:


...At Bulma's rack.

Bulma: Come on in. Lights on!!

Goku: You made it morning in here!

Bulma: You don't even know about lights?


Poor Goku isn't very bright. Heh, heh. "Bright." Get it? Man, I rule at this.

Goku: What's a "lights"?

Bulma: Dang! You two are stinking up the place! Go take a shower!


Goku: No, I'm serious! What the hell is a "lights"!?

(Goku and Gohan take a shower and come back)

Bulma: Dinner's ready!


Shit son, the speed of sound has got nothing on this story's pacing. It's like watching a clip-show edited by some guy strung out on crystal meth.

Gohan: Wow! You made dinner!

(They eat a typical thanksgiving dinner and then go to sleep.)


Good thing Bulma decided to defy all logical reasoning and pack that frozen turkey with her, huh.

Goku: Rise and Shine!

Gohan: You don't have to be so loud.

Bulma: I'd rather rise then shine.


Huh? I, just, totally don't get that. Like, at all. And WHY the fuck were Gohan and Bulma sleeping together!?

Goku: Wait a sec. Do you hear that? (Goku opens the front door) Whoa! You're a turtle!

Turtle: Yes I Am!

TOO BE CONTINUED......


Oh, goodie! Remind me to jam an ice pick into the front of my skull before reading the next chapter!


 

It's over! Hooray! Well, all in all, I think that went pretty well. I hope that my constructive criticism will aid this aspiring young author on his journey into the world of professional publication. By subtly pointing out some of his mistakes and inaccuracies, I'm confident that this commentary will help DarkDragon666 to improve his writing abilities to the highest degree!

This, however, is but a small victory in the battle against bad fanfiction. What we have covered today is just the tip of the iceberg, and it pains me to say that many more... perhaps even thousands... of substandard fanfictions are littering cyberspace. However, all is not lost! I plan to continue moc- err, critiquing fanfictions from every corner of the internet, in hopes that writers can improve themselves and go on to compose great works. Hell, I'll even settle for mediocre works at this point.

This mission of mine will be in vain, however, if Project A.F.T.E.R. is not given a proper base of operations. I've tried selling the idea to various porn sites and a webpage for a cult that worships lawn furniture, but neither of those potential hosts seemed to be interested. Therefore, if you or someone you know is a willing and capable webmaster who loves slightly offbeat anime humor, keep in mind Project A.F.T.E.R. is looking for a host. Please e-mail me with any propositions and/or naked photos of attractive women.

And as for the rest of you, thanks for taking the time to read this pilot! Someday, when PA has become a flourishing internet powerhouse, crushing smaller websites like ants under its colossal weight, you can have the pleasure of saying that you knew the man behind it back when he was still pitching his million-dollar idea to anyone who would listen, not unlike a young (albeit far more handsome) Bill Gates. Good night, and please have a safe and productive tomorrow.