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Special 02: "Evangelion: Alone"
(A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' fanfiction by Akateriel)


As I type this, a good friend of mine, Richard Goodness, has just recently sent me the first installment of what will soon become a new regular feature here on the Official Project AFTER Homepage. Evangelion: Rehashed, as it is called, is an in-depth, analytical look at one of the most acclaimed anime series ever made. Admittedly, it's not like Evangelion has never been scrutinized by anyone in the past, however I seriously doubt you've ever read a scene-by-scene breakdown of the series quite like this before... As in one that's actually moderately interesting and doesn't rely on tons of faux-philosophical bullshit that reads like a rejected rough draft of some drug-addict college student's thesis.

Anyway, that more or less brings me to the inspiration for this Special. While I'm more than happy to sit back and enjoy the witty genius of Mr. Goodness, there's no way I was going to let him have all the fun with Evangelion. With such a passionately screwed up fanbase, it's a target that's just too ripe for potential comedy to pass up. So, since I'm already pretty experienced (read: jaded) with fanfiction mockery, I decided to kill an evening by finding myself an EVA fanfic and having at it!

Turns out that was a very bad decision. I won't go into the details as to why just yet, but suffice to say, I think I would have been much better off spending my Friday night engaged in some other, less-damaging activity... Like sledding down the side of Mount Everest blindfolded on planks of balsa wood tied together with barbed wire.

The piece I ended up choosing for this little writer roast is called "Evangelion: Alone". The author, Akateriel, obviously included "Evangelion" in the title in order to remind his readers what anime this fanfic was based on, since the fact that it was in the 'Evangelion' section of an Evangelion fanfiction site just wasn't enough to get the message across. I'm guessing the references to Evangelion in the story's description also did little to help spell out that this fanfiction was centered around the anime series known as Evangelion, and hence an additional indication of that fact was implemented. And I'm glad it was, because without another reminder of what this fanfic is based on (that being, of course, Evangelion), one might be confused by the story's writings of emotional pain and anguish, not to mention the numerous allusions to Evangelion's characters and settings, and mistakenly think that they are reading, for instance, a Seinfeld fanfiction. Luckily, any such unnecessary confusion has been skillfully avoided thanks to Akateriel's diligent planning!

Now then, if you'll be so kind as to scroll down, we can embark on this guided tour through the mind of one more passionately screwed up Evangelion fan, together! (Word to the wise: DO NOT SCROLL DOWN!)

 


 

First Fan fiction, written in the midst of boredom so forgive if this is dry to say the very least.

If Akateriel is bored, then by golly, he's going to take everyone else down with him.

Anyway, I watch Evangelion again (9th time), (note to self: find girlfriend),

Ha ha ha, right buddy, go on one of those dating services and list your interests as "Watching entire anime series dozens of times in a row and writing fanfiction about them," then just sit back and get ready for the horde of supermodels to break down your front door.

and I felt bored so I wrote this piece. It deals with Shinji’s thoughts although most of you already know where this is going to go (Self hatred, blah, blah blah,)

Despite the fact that it's an incredibly bad idea to inform your readers right off the bat that your story is unoriginal and ridden with clichés, you gotta hand it to the guy for being so honest.
 


Evangelion: Alone
 

----------------------

Episode XX


Now, is that XX as in roman numerals for 20, XX as in two unknown variables, or XX as in not-quite-hardcore pornography?

Eye catch – Alone

----------------------

Tired, so very tired, I should sleep, why-can't-I-sleep.


And right off the bat, I'm assaulted by an onslaught of improper grammar and punctuation before I even know what's happening. Now I know what it feels like to be the black guy in a horror movie.

Ayanami.

She died today.

Impaled, hurt, desperate.


The life of a rodeo clown is a lonely and fleeting one.

She activated Mode D.

Evangelion Unit 00 is seem with Armisael, a terrifyingly
beautiful ribbon of light, the Angel has already pierced
through the Evangelion Unit's AT field and is slowly
merging with it.


Note that I'm presenting this story exactly as it appeared on the site where I found it, bewildering formatting problems and all.

Evangelion Unit 01 launches, and the Angel immediately
launches itself at Shinji, he deploys the prog-knife
and stabs the glowing white entity.


Angel: I *cough* just wanted to... give you a hug.... *dies*

A young girl's giggle

It hurt's doesn't it Ikari?

So much pain.


Haphazardly placing random groups of words on top of each other might be a successful formula for coming up with the lyrics to a Massive Attack song, but it doesn't work so well for writing a story that you expect people to take seriously.

The ribbon of light seems to materialize into a silhouette
of Ayanami, all the while it streak towards Evangelion
Unit 01 and ultimately Shinji at terrify speed.

And then it stops. Held back by and inverted AT Field
A few moments after... a blinding flash of light.

Then nothing.


To call this type of writing "sketchy" would be a very strong contender for the title of Biggest Understatement Ever Made. Is this the actual fanfic, or just a teaser trailer for it?

She was gone. Dead.

Odd choice of words isn't it, she didn't die, they found her,
she was hurt but very much alive. Wasn't she? Isn't she?

No.


Well, is she dead or not? I want to at least pretend like I know what the fuck is going on here, but man, you're making it really hard.

She was never real. They were never real. Artificial people can't be real.

Real? Can they be?


I'd probably make a reference to A.I. right here, if only more than five people had seen it...

Alone.

I lie here. In my room. In my grave.


Dead men tell no tales Shinji, so shut the fuck up!

The walls are unforgiving, they do not relent. They just
exist they don't care if they are in my way.

Someone put them there. Who put them there?


Uh... The architect who designed the house?

It's quiet.

She left.


I'm sorry, but two words just don't seem like they should qualify as a paragraph.

Misato left for somewhere, she has been quiet for
the last few days. I can hear her cry sometimes. But
what can I do? I am just a child, I can't understand
her. Why does she cry?


Well, you see Shinji, once a month, women have a special time when... You know what, forget it. She cries because she hates you.

It's cold in here.

It's too cold in here.

If I don't get warm I'll die.


Well then shut up and turn on the heater! I swear to God Almighty...

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD

 

Blankets, I need blankets, blankets will help.

 

The author's schizophrenia is kinda walking that line between frightening and hilarious right now.

 

No. different kind of cold.

Tired kind of cold. Does that make sense?


Not really. In fact, if anything in this fic makes sense, I'll be sure to let you know.

Asuka.

Asuka?

Asuka isn't here anymore. She doesn't talk to me anymore.
Does she hate me? I miss her. I don't care if she makes
fun of me.


They say that pride will only blind a man, but this can't be all that healthy either...

I don't care if she hurts me. I care for her.

Care?

Protect. Cherish. Love.

Love?


Protect. Cherish. Care.

[repeat cycle]

You do not even understand her.

But I love her!


When you can't find anyone else to argue with, argue with the voices inside your head!

Really.

With all my heat and soul.


You could say that Shinji is burning for her love! Hahahahahaha! Ah, good times.

What about Rei?

It's... different, she...

What?

She was part of me long ago, and I only just found her again.


Turns out she was just in the bathroom.

Really.

Why is it so hard to believe?


The story didn't involve enough crying and pants-wetting for it to be an accurate account of something that involved you.

Asuka is seen kissing Shinji and then proceeds to wash
her mouth with a mouth rinse.


Shinji then pulls out a roll of 'Mentos' and smiles at the camera as Asuka comes happily running back to him.


Seems she is toying with you here.

There is no sound for some time.

Rei sits in the classroom staring out the window.


Oh my GOD that is so DEEP! This fanfic just blew my MIND!

Love? She doesn't even notice you.

BUT I CARE FOR REI... and I love Asuka.

Love is mutual, what you have is merely an obsession.


"She wouldn't get naked in front of me when I was hiding in the bushes and masturbating outside her bedroom if she didn't love me!"

Longing after what you cannot have. A forbidden fruit.

A Biblical reference in an Evangelion fanfic!? This is some ground-breaking shit, I tell ya what.

I don't care I love Asuka and I love Rei and I don't care
what you say, I would die for them. I do not matter anyway
it isn't like they cannot find another pilot. But I know
that Rei cares for me, she smiled, I made her smile.


This fanfic does to my eyes what the sound of nails being dragged across a chalkboard does to my ears.

And Asuka...

What about her? She never shows affection towards
anyone.


As CAPTIVATING as these in-depth analysis's of the characters' relationships with Shinji are, I'm thinking it's safe to move onto some new material pretty much any time now.

But she cares too, She... her... I...

What?

Love. That's what they needed.


Oh, don't even ACT like you're trying to be all uplifting now, fic.

Are you sure?

DON"T KNOW. Why do you keep asking me these
questions?


Yeah, seriously. You'd think some disembodied voice would have better things to do.

I love Asuka, why is it so hard for her
to simply love me back.


Why would she?


Oooh, he's got you there, Shinji. You don't exactly have a lot to bring to the table in a relationship, aside from all that emotional baggage.

I don't know. I don't know why she would love me.

I am so... weak... helpless, stupid-I HATE MYSLEF
I HATE MYSELF. LEAVE ME ALONE.


This reminds me so much of a spoiled 4th grader locking himself in his room because his parents won't buy him a new bike.

So there is no real reason why she would love you,
Is there?

No, but I...

Love her? You said this already you running around
circles here.


Duh-hrr, you told me I running and do things she thinks love her and ponies.

You Say you love her, and claim that she Loves you
back but cannot give a Reason why she would
even Acknowledge you much less love you.


Man, it Sure is fun To capitalize Random words in the Middle of a sentence!

She never ran from me! Not like Father, not like
the others.

Your father never ran from you.


I would. God, listening to "Daaaaad! I'm coooooold! An' there's bloooooood! An' no one looooooves meeeeeeeeeee!" for long enough would make you want to inject your legs full of enough steroids to leap over the state of Montana and take off doing a two-minute mile just to get away from that shit.

He left me! He killed mother! I can never forgive
Him, he abandoned me. I HATE him, I will never
forgive him, I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE
HIM!


Shinji needs to just chill out with some good chronic and a smooth reggae album. An hour or two spent tokin' up, listening to Peter Tosh... It'd do the kid a world of good.

Are you sure he left you?

I was 5 he left me with my aunt and uncle, he never
called, wrote or visited me!

So?


Man, this disembodied voice is kind of a dick...

SO? He only summoned me so I can pilot-

He was busy. He had to build them didn't he?


Is there even a point to any of this, or is something actually going to, like, happen?

He trusted you with one didn't he?

Please go away.

So soon?


Dude, we've already breached the 6 page mark, and that means this story should have ended about 5 1/2 pages ago.

Leave me alone. I know what I say is right, father
never cared for me, and I know I love Asuka and
I know I love Rei. I love them both, I love them all.


Shinji is just so full of love. If love was ice-cream, he'd have a tummy-ache right now.

Go away leave me alone.

Fine.


Shinji: Fine.

Voice: Fine!

Shinji: FINE!! *sob*

Voice: Aw, jeez. I'm sorry... Look, it's not you. I just had a really rough day at the office.

Darkness.

Darkness is the night.


The night is here to kill me.

Uh, sure, if you say so...

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD

Am I insane?


Maybe a lit-- HELL YES SIR!

I am in my room, no is in here. Why
did I here someone? No one is here, no one cares
I am always alone, everyone hates me, everyone
abandons me, no body would ever love me.


Fun Fanfiction Fact: Akateriel almost made a fortune from this fanfic when popular band 'Linkin Park' contacted him about purchasing the rights to the story so they could use its nonsensical messages of despair as lyrics in one of their songs. Unfortunately, the deal fell through when one of the band's lawyers mistakenly thought that Akateriel hung up on him during negotiations; in reality, though, Akateriel had only passed out in the middle of the phone call due to blood loss from getting overly excited during his daily wrist-slashing ritual that same afternoon.

Why would anyone care, I can die and no one will

care I can be replaced, I only pilot Eva because it
makes others happy, because father praised me
when I did. He's right why would Asuka love
me? Why would Rei care about me?


Nobody loves me everybody hates me blah blah blah BLAH! Damn, Hideaki Anno wishes he could have made Shinji this irritating in the series.

I hate myself. I am so alone. He is right. I am
Alone, I will always be Alone.

He?

Was it a he? Or was it a she? Who was it? Did anyone speak to
me at all?


The leprechaun told Shinji to burn things.

I love her.

She loves me?

I loved her.


Boy, he got over that crush pretty quick...

She loves me?

I died for her.


What? Shinji's dead? Was that the twist ending? Or is Shinji even the one talking? I'm lost.

Does she love me?

I will always love her.

Does she remember me?


I don't-- Even-- What-- Fuck. Maybe if we had some NAMES or something to work with here!?!

I love her with all my heart and soul.

Is she even aware of me?

Love?


So who else thinks Akateriel was just making this up as he went along?

Love. love, love, love. Loved, loved, loved?

Blood. Loved? Blood. Died? Love? Dead Love?


Do not adjust your monitor. This part of the fanfic really is comprised of unrelated words typed over and over again in a seemingly arbitrary fashion.

Death? LOVE. BLOOD. Loved? BLOOD BLOOD

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD.


Ah, the copy/paste tool. Where would the great authors of our time be without it.

There is a tree of to a distance. It's leaves a
brilliant indescribable hue. Many branches
extend from the main trunk, each one bearing
a different fruit.




Under it sits her. She is
waiting. He runs towards her, closer,
closer, he STOPS. He sees her, she smiles.
She stands, then collapses into ash.


This reminds me of the opening movies you see in a Square-Enix game... Except, without all the pretty big-budget CGI effects to look at, it's just kind of ridiculous. And lame.

I told you she does not love you.

He runs, the tree is changing, the branches
are merging into one, it slowly becomes a
silver ribbon of light, it races towards him
Faster and faster and faster. It STOPS.


And Shinji wakes up in a puddle. STORY OVER.

He sees her.

Does she see him?

Who can see anyone?


I need to see my lawyer in preparation for the epic killing spree I'm about to go on so we can get all the details of that insanity plea squared away. No jury on earth will convict me once they get a look at this fic.

None can see.

The silver shaft of light, turns crimson, then
starts to form into a very familiar figure.


Satan: Hey there, everybody. I just wanted to congratulate the author of this thing for unleashing such a terrible plague of suffering upon the world. I wholly approve of this. Soooo... Keep up the good work then.

She gazes at him, then with a surprised expression
bursts into a mist of blood.


It hurts doesn't it?

Stop it leave me alone, this isn't right, it isn't like
this-who are you? WHO ARE YOU?


It's always fun to see how different authors approach the obligatory EVA fanfic rape sequence. I'd give Akateriel's version a B-.

Silence. It's quiet. I'm alone... am I?

Who am I? Am I? Love?


This is the kind of thing that comes out of your mouth when you're the victim of the worst medication overdose in recorded history.

NO!

It doesn't exist, He was right, It never existed, love
never existed.


Shinji should be a writer for Hallmark. I'm sure he'd bring a refreshingly down-to-earth feel to their cards' inspiring messages.

He right, he will always be right, I
am alone. Love? Blood. There is always blood.
Is there love? No. but there is always blood.


"Love? Nope, we're fresh outta that... Got plenty of blood, though."

I see blood. Blood is everywhere, they are bleeding
All of them bleeding! THEY ARE BLEEDING! BLOOD

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD


Oh excellent, more of.... this.

STAY BACK! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

GET THE SNAKES OFF ME, MAN!

Alone.


And alone is what you shall be.

A desolate beach is seen.


Fuck, is anything in this story not desolate?

The face of Llilith can be seen from the
distance, cracked evenly in half. A young
man is seen on a beach, next to him a
pale bandaged arm. It has no owner.


Well, if you're bad at socializing with other people, I guess you gotta start small.


----------------------

End.


Damn it, where were you nine pages ago, back when there was hope for my sanity!?

----------------------

Author's notes

The little ending scene, I read somewhere, was supposed
to be the intended ending for End of Evangelion.


The only reason that surprises me is because it didn't involve Shinji using the hand of the arm to jack himself off and crying about how his father never loved him while the screen turns red and flashes quotes from the Bible.

But the producers changed it (the reason I don't know. I'm
not even sure if this information is correct, it was on
Evangelion.com's forum in the EoE section before it went
down anyway..


And you just know that people on an anime forum never make up stuff like that for the sake of getting attention.

And you thought Evangelion couldn't
be anymore depressing. :)


The thing about the series that really depressed me was the knowledge that there are people in this world who actually enjoyed watching it.

Read and review. Even if you hated it. Actually,
Review it ESPECIALLY if you hated it, but
make it constructive. A 3 paragraph pointless
flame will simply be ignored and any insults
will be ignored as well.


You're a frigging nutcase who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag. THERE! IGNORE THAT, JERKFACE! IGNORE IT LIKE YOU IGNORED THE SPELL CHECK FEATURE! "MYSLEF" ISN'T A WORD YOU PASTE-EATING RETARD!


 

Holy crap, what a monumental achievement in suckage. Needless to say, that was most definitely one marijuana-induced writing project if I've ever seen one... Actually, I take that back. Akateriel was probably using something a lot stronger than marijuana, because a good 70% of the people in my creative writing class are total potheads and yet they can still construct an infinitely better story than the one I just read.

On the bright side, this fanfic has opened by eyes to a whole new style of writing that requires only minimal effort. School and this website normally keep me too busy to write fanfiction myself, but now I think I might just be able to compose a few great stories now and then in my spare time! Check this out:

I'm so cold.

Everyone I know is dead.

I loved them. But now they're dead.

BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD

Darkness.

I'm sad.

End.


Now I'm officially a fanfiction author! Hooray! Quick, someone give me an award and shower me with praise for my profound comprehension of the human psyche! You see, when it looked like I was just typing a bunch of random words, I was actually, um, being all like, philosophical and stuff. That middle part there, yeah, that was totally a metaphor... for, uh, BLOOD, I guess. You just don't understand my genius because you're not enlightened enough! Watch Evangelion nine times and go without sleep for a week and then maybe it will make sense. And if not, then, well, I'm still better than you.

Akateriel, if by some chance you happen to be reading this, then you seriously need to rethink your approach to writing, man. Your main problem is that you obviously didn't even try. I'd be a lot more lenient if I thought you even put half a rat's ass worth of effort into this story, but it's painfully evident that you didn't. Was any of that even supposed to be understandable!? For God's sake, most people would have had an easier time figuring out that convoluted mess if you'd written it in Portuguese. Writing is hard, I know, but you can't just give up trying and compulsively type whatever the hell pops into your head and then pass it off as a story. It doesn't work that way. Even the dumbest readers who would dare lay eyes on your work aren't going to be fooled into thinking that this was anything more than random nonsense. Use whatever shaky justification you want... Say it was symbolic, say it was purposely esoteric, say it was intended to be ambiguous or even recondite, say it was a visionary and thought-provoking exploration of the abstract nature of the human consciousness while in a state of detached self-awareness. I've heard all those bullshit excuses used by better authors than you, and none of them will change the fact that my dog could have shit out a better and vastly more entertaining story than "Evangelion: Alone".

And now that I've said my piece, I'm going to down about ten prescription-strength Tylenol and sleep through the rest of the weekend. Maybe by Monday this monster headache I seem to have acquired in the course of this review will be gone and I can move onto yet another fanfic I would have been that much happier having never known existed. And you thought my life couldn't
be anymore depressing. :)