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The following story has been used without the
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Special 06: "An Unfamiliar Evil"
(A 'Resident Evil' fanfiction by
Welcome to another very special Project AFTER Special,
everybody! For the sake of mixing things up a bit, I've
decided to review a fanfiction based on a video game rather
than an anime series this time around. Some people might be
concerned that this deviates from the site's intended
purpose a bit too much and I'm just selling out to appeal to
the more fickle readers who are sick of always having to
read shitty anime fanfics. I'd like to remind those people
that anime and video games aren't really all that different
when you think about it. In fact, the two mediums tend to
overlap a lot of the time. Most of the more popular anime
series have spawned a licensed game or two, while a number
of video games have had animated shows based on them.
Unless, of course, the title of that particular video game
is "Final Fantasy 7", in which case it's also responsible
for a CGI movie, six series of action figures, plush toys, a
clothing and jewelry line, music collections, wall scrolls,
weapon replicas, novels, comic books, capsule toys, key
chains, purses and wallets, beverages, a number of spin-off
games spanning several platforms, plus a whole bunch of
other shit that hasn't been made yet, but will undoubted be
released in waves during the coming years to make sure that
our grandchildren are still voting for Cloud in the weekly
GameFAQs Character Battle poll with the same fervor as the
nerds of today.
Anyway, my point is that I'm so goddamn sick of Final
Fantasy 7 that every day I say a prayer asking God to kill
Tetsuya Nomura in an earthquake. Wait, scratch that... My
actual point is that anime and video games share many
similarities, the most important of which being that both
are popular targets for deranged fanfiction authors. Knowing
that, it wouldn't be right of me to ignore those fics that
prey upon good, wholesome forms of interactive
The fanfic I'll be taking a look at today is a good example
of how the ageless sin that is fanfiction can thoroughly
corrupt whatever source it wishes. Ironically enough, the
offending fic is titled "An Unfamiliar Evil". Heavy emphasis
on the Evil here, people. Based on its contents, I
can safely assume that its author, Mugetsu G, created it
with the intention of winning some contest where
participants had to cleverly devise a way to cause the most
pain and suffering possible without directly harming another
living being. I hope whatever he prize he won was worth all
the death and destruction that I'm convinced is a result of
this story's existence.
I've you've ever played the first Resident Evil game,
you might be surprised at how familiar the story starts
out... It's pretty much business as usual as Jill Valentine
and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team search for their missing
comrades, get attacked by zombie dogs, and so on and so
forth. Just when you start to think the title of the fanfic
is a misnomer, however, Mugetsu G gets serious and begins
showing off what kind of printed plague he's really capable
of unleashing upon the world. From there... Well, I don't
want to spoil too much, so I'll let you behold the horror
One warning, though: Things get naughty in this one. So
naughty, in fact, that I wouldn't recommend reading this at
work, even if you work in a sex shop that specializes in
catering to fetishes that would get you arrested if you so
much as thought about them in public across most of the
This story is a work of fiction
based on fictional characters, if you're not
old enough to read then stop right now. Yadda yadda yadda.
You know the
Wouldn't it be great if pharmaceutical companies took the
same approach to writing disclaimers that fanfiction authors
do? "WARNING: Do not take this medication if you have high
blood pressure, suffer from an allergy to yadda yadda yadda...
Whatever. You'll probably be fine."
Questions, comments, story ideas
should be emailed to the address below. It
should be noted that unless really amusing, flames will be
ignored for the
You got that, folks? If you decide to send him an e-mail
cursing him out for writing this, start off with a
knock-knock joke and occasionally throw in some Jack Bauer
facts to keep his attention.
This was a story that was started,
stopped, and changed a bunch so some
details may have been lost in revisions.
Resident Evil: An Unfamiliar Evil
Holy shit, that's a lot of random combinations of letters
indicating naughty stuff! I don't even know what most of those
mean, and I'm already having second thoughts about this...
Story by Mugetsu G (email@example.com)
As Jill and company searched the wooded area in the dark of
night for clues,
it soon became apparent that the situation was as a grim as was
Chunks of human flesh were strewn about here and there with an
foot or hand, but there were no bodies completely intact.
S.T.A.R.S. surveys the aftermath of a deforestation protest gone
"Good god..." Jill said out loud to
herself as she picked up the blood-soaked
remains of a shirt belonging to one of the missing S.T.A.R.S.
Hang onto that, Jill. Goth kids will pay big bucks for that shit
"What the hell happened here?" Chris
Redfield asked as he neared Jill and
saw the shirt she was holding.
"Simple. They're Bravo. We're Alpha. We aren't going to die,"
Wesker responded while still staring at a nearby pile of
Chris: That doesn't really answer my--
Wesker: Shut up! Me keeping up moral by making brief
motivational speeches is more important right now.
"They were Bravo anyways," Barry coldly
shot back at Wesker as he stooped
next to him to investigate the pile. "It was that attitude that
killed. Did you read up on anything about Umbrella? They are
in some bizarre shit. Bio-terrorism, human mutations,
reanimating the dead."
In other words, Umbrella is basically Disney ten years in the
future if Michael Eisner had been left in charge of the company.
"All highly illegal shit at that," Jill
This brings up and interesting question: Is reanimating the dead
actually illegal? Because if there really is a law against
making zombies, then the writers for Numb3rs have
absolutely no excuse for making that show so boring.
"One of their research facilities is
supposed to be nearby, but all that has been
found is a rundown mansion."
"You people are paranoid," Wesker said blowing the three of them
off as he
Seriously. Take some people out to a forest in the middle of the
night where the ground is littered with the horrifically
mutilated corpses of their comrades and they get all freaked out
like a bunch of little tiny babies.
"Not paranoid, just cautious," Chris
responded glaring at the back of
"Don't be fool Wesker. This won't be a cake walk," Barry
Aimlessly wandering around in the woods is serious business!
"As much as I hate to admit it, as
arrogant as he is, Wesker has always
managed to handle himself calmly and get out alive," Jill
So, what, are the rest of them ghosts?
"So it seems," Barry replied. "Let's
head for the mansion then. I have a
feeling more will be uncovered there than either of you expect."
That Barry is always so damn smug about the fact that his
expectations for the amount of things that will be uncovered in
any given location are so much higher than everyone else's...
Jill, Chris, and Barry had started back
towards the chopper when a commotion
was heard in the distance.
"Shit!!" A male voice rang out in the night followed by several
"What's going on?!?" Barry demanded of the night.
However the night did not respond, and Barry only became more
Barry: God damn it, I'm not screwing around here! You answer me
or else I'm gonna tell Morning and Afternoon what you've been
pulling, and then you'll be in some deep shit!
"Back to the chopper! Back to the
chopper!" A heavy breathing Wesker
shouted out as he came running past the three of them.
"What's going on?" Jill yelled as she, Chris, and Barry started
following behind Wesker.
"I'll explain when we get back! Just keep running!" Wesker
Heh, I'll bet Jill feels pretty stupid for defending Wesker's
ability to not freak the hell out a couple of seconds ago.
As the four of them continued running
more shouting and gunshots could be
heard going off. The noise silenced though as the chopper came
"What the hell?!? NOOO!" A voice screamed from the chopper as a
growling followed by what sounded liked barking soon followed.
Man, this has got to be one of the worst camping trips ever
attempted. Maybe next time Wesker should just take everybody out
for pizza and Baskin-Robins.
Several shots rang out followed by some
animal yelping and human screaming.
Soon the screaming ended and all that could be heard was the
heavy breathing of a wild beast.
Ah, so it was werewolves. I'm actually surprised the creators of
Resident Evil never thought to include werewolves in the
games... I mean hell, they're no less scary than some of the
things they put in there. Roaches? Crows? Oversized frogs? Evil
plants!? Come on, guys.
When Wesker, Jill, Chris, and Barry
arrived at the chopper it soon became
clear what happened. In the seating area was what looked to be a
This one was a bit different though. It looked to injured with
wounds and sores
all over its body but certainly didn't act like it. It seemed to
scowl, almost as if
it had human emotions. The pilot was dead and slumped over the
body was ripped wide open in several places and bleeding
Man, leprous Scooby-Doo fucked that guy up pretty bad...
No sooner had the four of them stopped
to take a look, the dog lunged at Jill
striking her in the chest. Jill fell backwards and blacked out
as her body
hit the ground and her head struck a large rock in the process.
You Are Dead
Player: What the hell? I died during a goddamn cut scene!?
* * *
With a sharp pain in the back of her head Jill slowly regained
Although a bit groggy she could make out two male voices
Jill discovers that Hell is being trapped in a windowless room
with a TV that broadcasts nothing but congressional debates on C-SPAN for
"This is bullshit! We agreed to help
you obtain the virus! Nothing was said
about kidnap and rape!"
"Look, everyone else from Alpha and Bravo is dead. Did you think
just let her go? She has to join the rest of her team!"
"...In the Next Dimension!"
A sudden panic overtook Jill as she
realized two things. One, she was nude
and tied to a bed spread-eagle,
How did she not notice that the second she woke up?
and two, the two men arguing were Barry
"Ah look, our sweet Valentine is finally awake," Wesker said
grinning as he
walked to her bedside and squeezed her breasts with his hands
thumbs over her nipples.
Normally, this doesn't happen until after the mission is
"What the hell are you two up to???
"You've got nice breasts, you know that Jill? Very nice
said as he continued squeezing them and rubbing her nipples.
Jill: That doesn't answer my--
Wesker: Shut up! Me sexually assaulting you is more important
"Wesker this was never part of the
"Barry I'm not going to sit here and debate this with you.
with me or against me. There's a lot of money to be made here
and Chris agreed to help. Now shut it."
So are they going to film her naked and sell it to a porn site
or what? How exactly are they expecting to profit off of this
"What the hell is going on and where's
Chris???" Jill screamed.
"Shit! It wasn't supposed to happen like this!" Barry said to
It's a really bad sign when even the characters in the story
think that the plot is a shoddy bastardization of an original
"Barry what's going on?" Jill asked.
"What the hell was I thinking..." Barry mumbled to himself as
started walking towards the door of the room.
Barry: This is really buggin' me, Wesker. I'm gonna grab a Pepsi
from the vending machine down the hall and do some soul
searching while you start molesting Jill.
"God damn it old man I knew including
you was a bad idea," Wesker sighed as
he watched Barry walk into the hallway and shut the door behind
well. Anyways Jill to get to your question. Officially our
mission was to
investigate the murders and what was going on around here. That
S.T.A.R.S. objective anyways. Mine was simply to get the data
existing samples of the virus that Umbrella was producing, which
have. I in turn will sell the info to the Canadian government
for a rich
fee. I recruited Chris to help because he can use a little extra
besides it'll be easier to kill him when he's on my side,
although I suppose
I could have left him outside with those hellhounds and let him
die with the
others. As for Barry's involvement, he has some gambling debts
and he's the
only one you trust implicitly."
I've got to admit, it looks like Mugetsu G really went to a lot
of trouble thinking up that elaborate back story. It's not
particularly well-conceived or believable, but I still
appreciate the effort.
"Wesker, the madness has got to stop,"
Barry said firmly as he reentered the
"Ah, speak of the devil. It's unfortunate that you had to say
now I have to do this."
Blam? What the fuck, did Wesker just punch Barry in the face
Barry slumped to the floor as a single
bullet from Wesker's gun penetrated
the front of his Barry's head and exited through the back.
It's good to know at least one character in this story got to
die with some shred of their dignity intact...
"It was sad I had to do that, but the
best laid plans don't always go
Anyways with you and Chris out of the
way this would be a cake walk."
"You fucking bastard you won't get away with this!" Jill
"No you noisy bitch I think I will," Wesker growled as he
punched Jill in
the stomach knocking the wind out of her.
Despite the author's best efforts, I confess I kind of like his
version of Wesker. And if you think that makes me a horrible
person, then remember I had to read through this fanfic
multiple times in the course of writing this review. The
fact that I'm not out strapping sticks of dynamite to babies and
drop-kicking them into veterans hospitals makes me a candidate
"I wonder if Chris is having as much
with that broad Chambers from Bravo as
I'm about to have with you Jill," Wesker sneered as he lowered
between her legs.
* * *
Nice transition there, Mugetsu G. I really like how you handled
"Who told you to stop?!?!?" Chris
screamed at the young brown haired girl as
his member slipped out of her mouth.
"You bastard! You won't get away with this!"
I don't understand how you could not get away with someone
giving you a blowjob, but since it has to be established that
Chris is the villain here and he unfortunately lacks a thin
moustache to twirl while he chuckles evilly, I'll let it slide.
"Like hell I won't. Who's gonna save
you? Everybody else is dead. Now on
the bed before you piss me off."
With a look of disdain the nude girl climbed onto the bed on all
I thought an awesome title for this fic. You ready? Check this:
Porn S.T.A.R.S. Yeah, I know, right? I should totally be thinking
up names for things for a living.
"Good. Stay just like that," Chris,
also nude, said as he climbed on the
bed behind her.
"You know Rebecca, you're nice and tight for an eighteen year
that's just the way I like it,"
It's... surprising that she's tight at age eighteen? I guess
that means Chris normally goes for jailbait. Another one of
Mugetsu G's secret illegal fantasies reveals itself.
Chris grinned as he slipped his cock
inside her cunt.
"You stupid fuck, if only you had a small idea of what was going
Rebecca said to herself as she felt Chris' pace increase and his
started to gorge her insides.
How To Successfully Write Erotica, Step One: When writing your
sex scenes, try to refrain from using terms you'd normally use
to describe a violent murder.
"Now to just hurry this along," Rebecca
thought as her pussy started to
release its juices.
"Good, very good," Chris said as he pulled himself out of her
box and poked
the head of his member into her ass.
Screwing someone up the ass unexpectedly seems like it would be
a really bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons...
"I swear to god, you stick that thing
in my ass and I'll fucking hurt you to
no end," Rebecca warned Chris.
"Shut up you Bravo whore," Chris said ignoring her as shoved his
inside her ass, the juices helping it along.
I actually think the original game where you shot the heads off
of zombies and blew up giant spiders with grenade launchers was
just a little more arousing than this.
"Oh god..." Rebecca grimaced as her
asshole was spread open wide.
"Shut up. You'll like it soon enough," Chris said as he
continued to force
his cock in and out of her anus.
Chris has read enough hentai comics to know that all healthy
women eventually come to enjoy being raped.
"Oooooooh Chris, you're right! I love anal so much!" Rebecca
feigned in a
sudden reversal of moods.
Jeez, Rebecca, THIS is why huge-eyed, pink-haired schoolgirls
can't walk to their own mailboxes without getting kidnapped and
raped. You're just perpetuating a harmful stereotype.
Chris smiled and continued plowing her and they both grunted
each time he
invaded her ass. Rebecca grit her teeth as their combined juices
made it easier
for Chris to thrust his pole into her harder and faster. She
faked moaning in
pleasure to hurry him along.
"You nasty... little... whore..." Chris grumbled out as he
himself and came all over the insides of Rebecca's anal cavity.
The physical act of making love is one of the most beautiful,
sacred things two people can experience together.
After a few minutes of regaining his composure Chris started to
"It's been peachy but now it has to en---," Chris stopped in
he had reached for his gun in the holster and relized it was
Just to clarify, are we talking about an actual gun here, or is
this another euphemism for his genitalia?
"Oh, were you looking for this?" Rebecca asked pointing Chris'
own pistol at
him as she climbed out of bed.
"What do you think you're doing??" Chris asked trying to act
Chris: You just said you loved anal! I'm getting some mixed
signals here, baby.
"I have a question I want to ask you."
"Oh? And what's that?"
Blam! Rebecca shot Chris in the left knee and he nearly fell to
before propping himself up on his one good knee.
Rebecca's an old-fashioned kind of girl who thinks that a man
should get down on one knee after he sleeps with her.
Blam! Rebecca then shot Chris in his right knee and he fell to
"whore now?" She yelled at him.
"You bitch! That hurt!" Chris yelled at her.
Chris sure does seem annoyed that he just got both of his
kneecaps shot off. If she so much as shoots him in the arms and
torso half a dozen times, he's going to get downright angry.
"Oh really?" Rebecca asked rhetorically as she unbuttoned his
pulled them and his underwear down exposing his cock.
"How bout this?!?" She said maniacally as she removed her knife
Chris: You had a knife hidden up your ass!? So THAT'S what I
felt when I was raping you! Ahhh, I can't believe I fell for
Grinning madly, she sliced off Chris' dick in one swipe.
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Chris screamed in agony as blood started
"You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Chris screamed again as blood
his crotch all
over himself and Rebecca.
Ah... MAN! I am never forgiving your ass for this shit, Mugetsu G!
This fanfic is some fucked-up repugnant shit!
"You know, you're right Chris. I am a bitch," Rebecca said
before placing a
bullet in his head.
"Time to get paid Wesker," Rebecca said as she picked her things
up and left
God Almighty... This story is almost as bad as the live-action
Resident Evil movies. Almost.
* * *
"Oh... God... Jill..." Wesker panted as he frantically thrust
his cock in
and out of Jill's cunt.
Sorry Mugetsu G, but no dice. All the descriptions of people
getting shot and having their dicks cut off in this fic so far
have destroyed the chances of me getting a boner any time in the
"Wesker you bastard..." Jill moaned half in disgust half in
"Good God!" Wesker moaned as he split Jill's box one last time
painted her walls white.
He hosed down her driveway. He pushed the package through her
mail slot. He put some mustard in her ham sandwich. He waxed her
minivan. He foreclosed on her mortgage. Get the idea here,
"You're just as good as I thought Jill. Simon will like you as
said as he climbed from the bed and dressed.
Cartoons have conditioned me to associate the name Simon with a
nerdy anthropomorphic chipmunk... Honestly, I'm not sure if the
fic going that route would be more or less ridiculous than what
we've already seen so far.
"Simon? Who's Simon? Wesker you bastard, I swear to god I'll get
"Tsk Tsk Jill. Why the hostility? I'm not going to hurt you,"
reassured her as he untied her from the bed albeit with a gun
pointed at her
That has to be among the least reassuring lines ever spoken by a
person, real or imaginary.
"This way," Wesker ordered her pointing towards the door leading
After walking down several halls and up and down various
and Jill briefly came to a stop in front of a door before
walking through it.
Last time Wesker barged into a room without checking the door, a
bucket of horse semen fell on his head, much to the amusement of
his coworkers at the Raccoon Police Department.
Inside was a room that looked to be a science lab. Tables with
microscopes, and various papers were spotted here and there
through out the
Man, that's a pretty extensive collection of clichéd laboratory
stuff. Throw in some beakers full of multicolored chemicals and
a wall-mounted board of checkered lights that flash in a random
sequence and this place will be all set.
The lab would look like any other except for a large glass cage
that had a door
to get into it accessible from the room, and a second door that
looked to be built
into the wall. Nearby was a computer terminal that seemed to be
set up solely
for the glass cage.
Because it's not like a cage is something you can operate
"In you go," Wesker said as he place his foot on Jill's butt,
inside the cage, and closed the door behind her.
"Wesker! WESKER!" Jill screamed at him.
"It's been swell knowing you Jill. It's nothing personal, it's
He's just saying that so he can write off the rape on his taxes.
Now meet Simon." Wesker said with no emotion as he pushed
at the console and the second cage door opened up.
Still naked and unarmed Jill's situation turned grave as she
Simon was. Simon looked to be another of those dog creatures
that had killed
the pilot in the chopper earlier that night.
Yeah, sorry folks, but this is going exactly where you think it
is. Now would be an excellent time to make sure that revolver is
loaded, just in case.
"Wesker! Wesker! Let me out know and I'll let you live!" Jill
Otherwise, she's gonna close one eye and squash him between her
"Petty threats will get you nowhere Jill. I'm afraid this is it
Wesker replied as he punched a few more buttons at the computer.
Tiles on the cage floor move and four mechanical tentacles shot
wrapping itself around one of her legs or arms.
For Christ's sake, man, just shoot her in the back of the head.
Even most James Bond villains would think this was an
unnecessarily extravagant way to kill someone.
Jill struggled with them and soon found it to be useless as they
down towards the floor but kept her body floating just above the
This cage seems to have been designed with one very specific
purpose in mind... How the hell did Wesker even sell the idea of
this thing to the scientists who built it? "Yeah, see guys, I
think we should have a robotic tentacle machine like this in
case we ever need to conduct an experiment that requires a woman
to be forced to have sex with an undead dog. ...For, for
Unlike the dog in the chopper it didn't attack Jill right away.
circled around Jill a few times before stopping to sniff at her
After a moment it's ears pricked up and it's tail started to
Jill: Hey, this one isn't evil! Aw no, he's a good boy. Who's a
good widdle boy, huh? Whooza good widdle zombie doggie!?
For a few moments the creature merely circled her, licking its
Simon started to sniff again and then began licking at Jill's
"Wesker you're a sick pervert!" Jill screamed in fury.
Your hatred would be better directed toward the person
responsible for writing this atrocity...
"Jill you misjudge me so. It's not that I'll get pleasure out of
him mount you in a moment. Oh no, the pleasure will come when he
rips into you and kills you from the inside out."
Amazingly, Mugetsu G has managed to combine rape, necrophilia,
and bestiality all into one exceedingly wretched sequence. It's
a shame Jill isn't about ten years younger, otherwise we could
add pedophilia to the list and hit all four corners of the
forbidden sexual deviance map... Regardless, this is still a
mighty impressive feat.
"REBECCAAAAAAAA!!!!" Jill screamed in disgust as Simon stopped
mounted her placing his paws on her stomach. "Where are you????"
A few doors down still getting raped by Chris for all you know.
I realize this situation is upsetting, Jill, but try not to
break the fourth wall.
As Jill continued to scream and thrash her body wildly, Rebecca
the room through a door opposite the one Wesker and Jill had
Rebecca: Is this the ladies' ba-- Whoa.
"Good to see you again Rebecca," Wesker said as Rebecca made her
way to his
"Same here Wesker," Rebecca replied. "My things are taken care
So these two were working together!? What the hell!?! Man,
there's plot twists, and then there's using words to simulate
pissing in your readers' mouths.
"Just about. I don't particularly like Jill tonight, so I
changed plans a
"Just one thing though," Wesker said as the two of them watched
drooling canine continue to penetrate the woman's cunt behind
After a few minutes, they got tired of watching Madonna's newest
music video on the portable TV set in the corner, and turned
their attention back to Jill.
"Just before you came in she yelled your name asking for help."
"Oh, is that so?"
"Yes it is," Wesker said removing his gun and pointing it at
Rebecca, "And I
don't like being crossed."
So.... Wait. Hold on a second. So, like..... Okay, wait. Wesker,
Chris, and Barry double-crossed the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team,
but then Wesker and Rebecca double-crossed Barry and Chris, and
now it turns out Rebecca teamed up with Jill and has
double-crossed Wesker. Next we find out Rebecca is pregnant with
Wesker's baby and Jill is actually a clone who is also a robot.
"Oh come on Wesker you think I'd really double cross you? I have
no idea how
she found out about me but she's trying to get us to turn on
"OH MY GOD!" Jill screamed as Simon was furiously ripping at her
pussy in a
I love how they're just casually exchanging banter while a woman
is savagely violated by a half Rottweiler/half abomination of science in a
glass box two feet away from them.
"Doesn't much matter now," Wesker said as he looked over at the
is close to coming. She'll be dead within the hour."
Wesker: Oh, that's right, I almost forget to mention that zombie dogs... *looks
directly into the camera* ...have ACID SPERM!!
"No Albert you will," Rebecca said take advantage of his brief
by ripping the gun from his hand and pointing it right back him.
Blam! A single shot is fired and Wesker brain explodes as the
Because, if action movies have taught us anything, it's that
shooting something always causes it to explode. That's called
Rebecca pushed several buttons on the console and the door to
the cage soon
opened up. She quickly stepped inside and fired a shot into the
Then she remembered that she was inside a glass cage and wished
she hadn't fired the gun upwards as the many shards of glass cut her
badly as they fell to the ground.
Not one liking interruptions Simon dismounted Jill and growled
Not letting him have time to do anything else, Rebecca fire
several shots into the
dog's head killing him.
"Good... god..." Jill breathed heavily and out of breathe.
"What... took so
Rebecca: I had to go on a twenty-minute detour moving statues
around and arranging these damn crests to get the key that
opened the door to the lab. I swear, this place is retarded!
"Hey now Jill things went according to plan on my part. You
"Had the dog attacked Wesker like it was supposed to then I
been on the floor getting screwed by one of those things. Ah
fuck it, it's
done and over with. Just get these things off of me."
So they knew about all of this in advance, including the zombie
dogs and Bravo team getting killed and everything. I'm just
gonna leave that alone, because I'm pretty sure the system that
hosts my FTP server would short-circuit if I attempted to upload
an HTML file as large as the one I'd end up with if I explained
all the reasons why that doesn't make a shitbit of sense.
"Just a sec..." Rebecca replied as she stared at the computer
pushed several buttons.
After about ten minutes the tentacles retracted and Jill fell to
It took her ten minutes to turn the thing off? I guess the thing
can only be operated by entering a series of command prompts in
"Here you go," Rebecca said tossing Jill her clothes.
"Where you find clothes?" Jill asked dressing herself.
Jill: Where you find Jill clothes!? You answer! You answer now!
Di di mau!
"I'm assuming in the room where you were initially taken. You
have the data
on the virus?"
"Right here," Jill said smiling as she pulled two sealed petri
data folder out of the bag Wesker had brought into the room with
Now they can make their own zombie dogs, for all those lonely
Saturday nights at home.
"Good work Jill, soon we'll be relaxing on the beaches of St.
Rebecca smiled as she pecked Jill on the lips and the two of
for the door.
Haha, oh, those two... You never know what zany misadventures
they'll get themselves into next!
Well, looks like I was just about as wrong as I could be in
assuming that one entire bottle of gin would be enough to get me
through that fanfic without seriously contemplating suicide.
It's a good thing I already preordered a copy of Super Smash
Bros. Brawl, otherwise I'd probably be in the bathroom
swallowing razorblades instead of writing this. I really don't
want to be alive right now, but suffering through this pain is
worth it if it means making sure those assholes at GameStop
don't make $5 off of my demise.
As for the fanfic... God, I really don't know where to start
with this one. How are you supposed to summarize something that
you yourself don't understand? After finishing a fanfic review,
I generally have some questions on my mind--such as "How could
something this evil exist?" and "Why do I continue to hurt
myself by doing these?" among other demoralizing quandaries--but
usually not this many. I'm still not completely sure what was
even going on during most of that story, and the scary part is,
I'm not sure I even want to know...
Man, I guess that convoluted string of back-stabbings in this
fic just really threw me off, and I'm still a bit disoriented
from it. How the hell did Mugetsu G ever think that having his
characters randomly change alliances thirty times would make for
good storytelling? It's as if he put those parts in there for
the sole purpose of mocking the people who complained that all
the betrayals in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 were hard to
follow. At least when Jack Sparrow was scheming who to screw
over next, you could kind of turn your mind off and just marvel
at how Johnny Depp managed to wear so much eyeliner and still
look like a badass. There were no such pleasant distractions to
be found in this fanfic, though. You just had to take the
bewildering nonsense full-force, and hope that you'd still be
able to remember details such as your own name once it was all
Speaking of remembering things, I don't think anyone wants to be
reminded of the many horrifying and unnatural sexual acts
that made it into this fic courtesy of Satan, so I won't dwell on those... I think it is
worth mentioning, though, that having this fanfic on the site has
greatly expanded the number of perversions I can claim to have
willingly associated with something that has my name in the
copyright notice. Now, when someone asks me if my website
contains any descriptions of castration, I'll be able to look at
the floor and meekly answer "Yes" before I begin crying into the
palms of my hands. With any luck, that should cause the other
person's disgust to override their pity and make them walk away
before they see me curl up into the fetal position and suck on
my thumb. So thank you for that, Mugetsu G. Thank you for