The following story has been neither written nor edited for content by the webmaster of this site, and may contain written material that is not suitable for viewing by younger children. All names and characters are copyright their respective owners. "Project AFTER" and all commentary and specified writings within the following text are the property of Alex Barry (webmaster@projectafter.com). The following story has been used without the permission of its original author, and no profit has been made from its redistribution.

 

 

Special 06: "An Unfamiliar Evil"
(A 'Resident Evil' fanfiction by Mugetsu G)


Welcome to another very special Project AFTER Special, everybody! For the sake of mixing things up a bit, I've decided to review a fanfiction based on a video game rather than an anime series this time around. Some people might be concerned that this deviates from the site's intended purpose a bit too much and I'm just selling out to appeal to the more fickle readers who are sick of always having to read shitty anime fanfics. I'd like to remind those people that anime and video games aren't really all that different when you think about it. In fact, the two mediums tend to overlap a lot of the time. Most of the more popular anime series have spawned a licensed game or two, while a number of video games have had animated shows based on them. Unless, of course, the title of that particular video game is "Final Fantasy 7", in which case it's also responsible for a CGI movie, six series of action figures, plush toys, a clothing and jewelry line, music collections, wall scrolls, weapon replicas, novels, comic books, capsule toys, key chains, purses and wallets, beverages, a number of spin-off games spanning several platforms, plus a whole bunch of other shit that hasn't been made yet, but will undoubted be released in waves during the coming years to make sure that our grandchildren are still voting for Cloud in the weekly GameFAQs Character Battle poll with the same fervor as the nerds of today.

Anyway, my point is that I'm so goddamn sick of Final Fantasy 7 that every day I say a prayer asking God to kill Tetsuya Nomura in an earthquake. Wait, scratch that... My actual point is that anime and video games share many similarities, the most important of which being that both are popular targets for deranged fanfiction authors. Knowing that, it wouldn't be right of me to ignore those fics that prey upon good, wholesome forms of interactive entertainment.

The fanfic I'll be taking a look at today is a good example of how the ageless sin that is fanfiction can thoroughly corrupt whatever source it wishes. Ironically enough, the offending fic is titled "An Unfamiliar Evil". Heavy emphasis on the Evil here, people. Based on its contents, I can safely assume that its author, Mugetsu G, created it with the intention of winning some contest where participants had to cleverly devise a way to cause the most pain and suffering possible without directly harming another living being. I hope whatever he prize he won was worth all the death and destruction that I'm convinced is a result of this story's existence.

I've you've ever played the first Resident Evil game, you might be surprised at how familiar the story starts out... It's pretty much business as usual as Jill Valentine and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team search for their missing comrades, get attacked by zombie dogs, and so on and so forth. Just when you start to think the title of the fanfic is a misnomer, however, Mugetsu G gets serious and begins showing off what kind of printed plague he's really capable of unleashing upon the world. From there... Well, I don't want to spoil too much, so I'll let you behold the horror for yourself.

One warning, though: Things get naughty in this one. So naughty, in fact, that I wouldn't recommend reading this at work, even if you work in a sex shop that specializes in catering to fetishes that would get you arrested if you so much as thought about them in public across most of the Midwest.

 


 

This story is a work of fiction based on fictional characters, if you're not
old enough to read then stop right now. Yadda yadda yadda. You know the
drill.


Wouldn't it be great if pharmaceutical companies took the same approach to writing disclaimers that fanfiction authors do? "WARNING: Do not take this medication if you have high blood pressure, suffer from an allergy to yadda yadda yadda... Whatever. You'll probably be fine."

Questions, comments, story ideas should be emailed to the address below. It
should be noted that unless really amusing, flames will be ignored for the
most part.


You got that, folks? If you decide to send him an e-mail cursing him out for writing this, start off with a knock-knock joke and occasionally throw in some Jack Bauer facts to keep his attention.

This was a story that was started, stopped, and changed a bunch so some
details may have been lost in revisions.
 


Resident Evil: An Unfamiliar Evil


Warnings: (MF,F-best,ncon,bond,viol,mutil,necro)


Holy shit, that's a lot of random combinations of letters indicating naughty stuff! I don't even know what most of those mean, and I'm already having second thoughts about this...

Story by Mugetsu G (mugetsug@hotmail.com)

As Jill and company searched the wooded area in the dark of night for clues,
it soon became apparent that the situation was as a grim as was expected.
Chunks of human flesh were strewn about here and there with an occasional
foot or hand, but there were no bodies completely intact.


S.T.A.R.S. surveys the aftermath of a deforestation protest gone horribly awry.

"Good god..." Jill said out loud to herself as she picked up the blood-soaked
remains of a shirt belonging to one of the missing S.T.A.R.S. members of
Bravo team.


Hang onto that, Jill. Goth kids will pay big bucks for that shit on eBay.

"What the hell happened here?" Chris Redfield asked as he neared Jill and
saw the shirt she was holding.

"Simple. They're Bravo. We're Alpha. We aren't going to die," Albert
Wesker responded while still staring at a nearby pile of mutilated flesh.


Chris: That doesn't really answer my--

Wesker: Shut up! Me keeping up moral by making brief motivational speeches is more important right now.

"They were Bravo anyways," Barry coldly shot back at Wesker as he stooped
next to him to investigate the pile. "It was that attitude that got them
killed. Did you read up on anything about Umbrella? They are experimenting
in some bizarre shit. Bio-terrorism, human mutations, reanimating the dead."


In other words, Umbrella is basically Disney ten years in the future if Michael Eisner had been left in charge of the company.

"All highly illegal shit at that," Jill added.

This brings up and interesting question: Is reanimating the dead actually illegal? Because if there really is a law against making zombies, then the writers for Numb3rs have absolutely no excuse for making that show so boring.

"One of their research facilities is supposed to be nearby, but all that has been
found is a rundown mansion."

"You people are paranoid," Wesker said blowing the three of them off as he
walked away.


Seriously. Take some people out to a forest in the middle of the night where the ground is littered with the horrifically mutilated corpses of their comrades and they get all freaked out like a bunch of little tiny babies.

"Not paranoid, just cautious," Chris responded glaring at the back of
Wesker's head.

"Don't be fool Wesker. This won't be a cake walk," Barry murmured to
himself.


Aimlessly wandering around in the woods is serious business!

"As much as I hate to admit it, as arrogant as he is, Wesker has always
managed to handle himself calmly and get out alive," Jill sighed.


So, what, are the rest of them ghosts?

"So it seems," Barry replied. "Let's head for the mansion then. I have a
feeling more will be uncovered there than either of you expect."


That Barry is always so damn smug about the fact that his expectations for the amount of things that will be uncovered in any given location are so much higher than everyone else's...

Jill, Chris, and Barry had started back towards the chopper when a commotion
was heard in the distance.

"Shit!!" A male voice rang out in the night followed by several gunshots.

"What's going on?!?" Barry demanded of the night.


However the night did not respond, and Barry only became more enraged.

Barry: God damn it, I'm not screwing around here! You answer me or else I'm gonna tell Morning and Afternoon what you've been pulling, and then you'll be in some deep shit!

"Back to the chopper! Back to the chopper!" A heavy breathing Wesker
shouted out as he came running past the three of them.

"What's going on?" Jill yelled as she, Chris, and Barry started running
following behind Wesker.

"I'll explain when we get back! Just keep running!" Wesker screamed back.


Heh, I'll bet Jill feels pretty stupid for defending Wesker's ability to not freak the hell out a couple of seconds ago.

As the four of them continued running more shouting and gunshots could be
heard going off. The noise silenced though as the chopper came into sight.

"What the hell?!? NOOO!" A voice screamed from the chopper as a deep
growling followed by what sounded liked barking soon followed.


Man, this has got to be one of the worst camping trips ever attempted. Maybe next time Wesker should just take everybody out for pizza and Baskin-Robins.

Several shots rang out followed by some animal yelping and human screaming.
Soon the screaming ended and all that could be heard was the growling and
heavy breathing of a wild beast.


Ah, so it was werewolves. I'm actually surprised the creators of Resident Evil never thought to include werewolves in the games... I mean hell, they're no less scary than some of the things they put in there. Roaches? Crows? Oversized frogs? Evil plants!? Come on, guys.

When Wesker, Jill, Chris, and Barry arrived at the chopper it soon became
clear what happened. In the seating area was what looked to be a rabid dog.
This one was a bit different though. It looked to injured with wounds and sores
all over its body but certainly didn't act like it. It seemed to scowl, almost as if
it had human emotions. The pilot was dead and slumped over the controls. His
body was ripped wide open in several places and bleeding profusely.


Man, leprous Scooby-Doo fucked that guy up pretty bad...

No sooner had the four of them stopped to take a look, the dog lunged at Jill
striking her in the chest. Jill fell backwards and blacked out as her body
hit the ground and her head struck a large rock in the process.


You Are Dead

Player: What the hell? I died during a goddamn cut scene!?

* * *

With a sharp pain in the back of her head Jill slowly regained consciousness.
Although a bit groggy she could make out two male voices arguing.


Jill discovers that Hell is being trapped in a windowless room with a TV that broadcasts nothing but congressional debates on C-SPAN for all eternity.

"This is bullshit! We agreed to help you obtain the virus! Nothing was said
about kidnap and rape!"

"Look, everyone else from Alpha and Bravo is dead. Did you think we would
just let her go? She has to join the rest of her team!"


"...In the Next Dimension!"

A sudden panic overtook Jill as she realized two things. One, she was nude
and tied to a bed spread-eagle,


How did she not notice that the second she woke up?

and two, the two men arguing were Barry and Wesker.

"Ah look, our sweet Valentine is finally awake," Wesker said grinning as he
walked to her bedside and squeezed her breasts with his hands rubbing his
thumbs over her nipples.


Normally, this doesn't happen until after the mission is over.

"What the hell are you two up to??? Where's Chris???"

"You've got nice breasts, you know that Jill? Very nice breasts," Wesker
said as he continued squeezing them and rubbing her nipples.


Jill: That doesn't answer my--

Wesker: Shut up! Me sexually assaulting you is more important right now.

"Wesker this was never part of the plan!"

"Barry I'm not going to sit here and debate this with you. You're either
with me or against me. There's a lot of money to be made here and you
and Chris agreed to help. Now shut it."


So are they going to film her naked and sell it to a porn site or what? How exactly are they expecting to profit off of this situation?

"What the hell is going on and where's Chris???" Jill screamed.

"Shit! It wasn't supposed to happen like this!" Barry said to himself.


It's a really bad sign when even the characters in the story think that the plot is a shoddy bastardization of an original work.

"Barry what's going on?" Jill asked.

"What the hell was I thinking..." Barry mumbled to himself as turned and
started walking towards the door of the room.


Barry: This is really buggin' me, Wesker. I'm gonna grab a Pepsi from the vending machine down the hall and do some soul searching while you start molesting Jill.

"God damn it old man I knew including you was a bad idea," Wesker sighed as
he watched Barry walk into the hallway and shut the door behind him. "Ah
well. Anyways Jill to get to your question. Officially our mission was to
investigate the murders and what was going on around here. That was
S.T.A.R.S. objective anyways. Mine was simply to get the data and whatever
existing samples of the virus that Umbrella was producing, which I already
have. I in turn will sell the info to the Canadian government for a rich
fee. I recruited Chris to help because he can use a little extra money,
besides it'll be easier to kill him when he's on my side, although I suppose
I could have left him outside with those hellhounds and let him die with the
others. As for Barry's involvement, he has some gambling debts and he's the
only one you trust implicitly."


I've got to admit, it looks like Mugetsu G really went to a lot of trouble thinking up that elaborate back story. It's not particularly well-conceived or believable, but I still appreciate the effort.

"Wesker, the madness has got to stop," Barry said firmly as he reentered the
room.

"Ah, speak of the devil. It's unfortunate that you had to say that because
now I have to do this."

Blam!


Blam? What the fuck, did Wesker just punch Barry in the face 60's Batman-style?

Barry slumped to the floor as a single bullet from Wesker's gun penetrated
the front of his Barry's head and exited through the back.


It's good to know at least one character in this story got to die with some shred of their dignity intact...

"It was sad I had to do that, but the best laid plans don't always go
accordingly.


*Rimshot*

Anyways with you and Chris out of the way this would be a cake walk."

"You fucking bastard you won't get away with this!" Jill screamed enraged.

"No you noisy bitch I think I will," Wesker growled as he punched Jill in
the stomach knocking the wind out of her.


Despite the author's best efforts, I confess I kind of like his version of Wesker. And if you think that makes me a horrible person, then remember I had to read through this fanfic multiple times in the course of writing this review. The fact that I'm not out strapping sticks of dynamite to babies and drop-kicking them into veterans hospitals makes me a candidate for sainthood.

"I wonder if Chris is having as much with that broad Chambers from Bravo as
I'm about to have with you Jill," Wesker sneered as he lowered his face
between her legs.

* * *


Nice transition there, Mugetsu G. I really like how you handled that.

"Who told you to stop?!?!?" Chris screamed at the young brown haired girl as
his member slipped out of her mouth.

"You bastard! You won't get away with this!"


I don't understand how you could not get away with someone giving you a blowjob, but since it has to be established that Chris is the villain here and he unfortunately lacks a thin moustache to twirl while he chuckles evilly, I'll let it slide.

"Like hell I won't. Who's gonna save you? Everybody else is dead. Now on
the bed before you piss me off."

With a look of disdain the nude girl climbed onto the bed on all fours.


I thought an awesome title for this fic. You ready? Check this: Porn S.T.A.R.S. Yeah, I know, right? I should totally be thinking up names for things for a living.

"Good. Stay just like that," Chris, also nude, said as he climbed on the
bed behind her.

"You know Rebecca, you're nice and tight for an eighteen year old, but
that's just the way I like it,"


It's... surprising that she's tight at age eighteen? I guess that means Chris normally goes for jailbait. Another one of Mugetsu G's secret illegal fantasies reveals itself.

Chris grinned as he slipped his cock inside her cunt.

"You stupid fuck, if only you had a small idea of what was going on,"
Rebecca said to herself as she felt Chris' pace increase and his member
started to gorge her insides.


How To Successfully Write Erotica, Step One: When writing your sex scenes, try to refrain from using terms you'd normally use to describe a violent murder.

"Now to just hurry this along," Rebecca thought as her pussy started to
release its juices.

"Good, very good," Chris said as he pulled himself out of her box and poked
the head of his member into her ass.


Screwing someone up the ass unexpectedly seems like it would be a really bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons...

"I swear to god, you stick that thing in my ass and I'll fucking hurt you to
no end," Rebecca warned Chris.

"Shut up you Bravo whore," Chris said ignoring her as shoved his dick deep
inside her ass, the juices helping it along.


I actually think the original game where you shot the heads off of zombies and blew up giant spiders with grenade launchers was just a little more arousing than this.

"Oh god..." Rebecca grimaced as her asshole was spread open wide.

"Shut up. You'll like it soon enough," Chris said as he continued to force
his cock in and out of her anus.


Chris has read enough hentai comics to know that all healthy women eventually come to enjoy being raped.

"Oooooooh Chris, you're right! I love anal so much!" Rebecca feigned in a
sudden reversal of moods.


Jeez, Rebecca, THIS is why huge-eyed, pink-haired schoolgirls can't walk to their own mailboxes without getting kidnapped and raped. You're just perpetuating a harmful stereotype.

Chris smiled and continued plowing her and they both grunted each time he
invaded her ass. Rebecca grit her teeth as their combined juices made it easier
for Chris to thrust his pole into her harder and faster. She faked moaning in
pleasure to hurry him along.

"You nasty... little... whore..." Chris grumbled out as he suddenly relieved
himself and came all over the insides of Rebecca's anal cavity.


The physical act of making love is one of the most beautiful, sacred things two people can experience together.

After a few minutes of regaining his composure Chris started to redress.

"It's been peachy but now it has to en---," Chris stopped in mid-sentence as
he had reached for his gun in the holster and relized it was gone.


Just to clarify, are we talking about an actual gun here, or is this another euphemism for his genitalia?

"Oh, were you looking for this?" Rebecca asked pointing Chris' own pistol at
him as she climbed out of bed.

"What do you think you're doing??" Chris asked trying to act cool.


Chris: You just said you loved anal! I'm getting some mixed signals here, baby.

"I have a question I want to ask you."

"Oh? And what's that?"

"Who's"

Blam! Rebecca shot Chris in the left knee and he nearly fell to the floor
before propping himself up on his one good knee.


Rebecca's an old-fashioned kind of girl who thinks that a man should get down on one knee after he sleeps with her.

"the"

Blam! Rebecca then shot Chris in his right knee and he fell to the floor.

"whore now?" She yelled at him.

"You bitch! That hurt!" Chris yelled at her.


Chris sure does seem annoyed that he just got both of his kneecaps shot off. If she so much as shoots him in the arms and torso half a dozen times, he's going to get downright angry.

"Oh really?" Rebecca asked rhetorically as she unbuttoned his pants and
pulled them and his underwear down exposing his cock.

"How bout this?!?" She said maniacally as she removed her knife from its
sheath.


Chris: You had a knife hidden up your ass!? So THAT'S what I felt when I was raping you! Ahhh, I can't believe I fell for that...

Grinning madly, she sliced off Chris' dick in one swipe.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Chris screamed in agony as blood started to spurt
out.

"You fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Chris screamed again as blood sprayed from

his crotch all over himself and Rebecca.

Ah... MAN! I am never forgiving your ass for this shit, Mugetsu G! This fanfic is some fucked-up repugnant shit!

"You know, you're right Chris. I am a bitch," Rebecca said before placing a
bullet in his head.

"Time to get paid Wesker," Rebecca said as she picked her things up and left
the room.


God Almighty... This story is almost as bad as the live-action Resident Evil movies. Almost.

* * *

"Oh... God... Jill..." Wesker panted as he frantically thrust his cock in
and out of Jill's cunt.


Sorry Mugetsu G, but no dice. All the descriptions of people getting shot and having their dicks cut off in this fic so far have destroyed the chances of me getting a boner any time in the foreseeable future.

"Wesker you bastard..." Jill moaned half in disgust half in pleasure.

"Good God!" Wesker moaned as he split Jill's box one last time before he
painted her walls white.


He hosed down her driveway. He pushed the package through her mail slot. He put some mustard in her ham sandwich. He waxed her minivan. He foreclosed on her mortgage. Get the idea here, folks?

"You're just as good as I thought Jill. Simon will like you as well," Wesker
said as he climbed from the bed and dressed.


Cartoons have conditioned me to associate the name Simon with a nerdy anthropomorphic chipmunk... Honestly, I'm not sure if the fic going that route would be more or less ridiculous than what we've already seen so far.

"Simon? Who's Simon? Wesker you bastard, I swear to god I'll get you for
this."

"Tsk Tsk Jill. Why the hostility? I'm not going to hurt you," Wesker
reassured her as he untied her from the bed albeit with a gun pointed at her
head.


That has to be among the least reassuring lines ever spoken by a person, real or imaginary.

"This way," Wesker ordered her pointing towards the door leading to the
hall.

After walking down several halls and up and down various staircases, Wesker
and Jill briefly came to a stop in front of a door before walking through it.


Last time Wesker barged into a room without checking the door, a bucket of horse semen fell on his head, much to the amusement of his coworkers at the Raccoon Police Department.

Inside was a room that looked to be a science lab. Tables with computers,
microscopes, and various papers were spotted here and there through out the
room.


Man, that's a pretty extensive collection of clichéd laboratory stuff. Throw in some beakers full of multicolored chemicals and a wall-mounted board of checkered lights that flash in a random sequence and this place will be all set.

The lab would look like any other except for a large glass cage that had a door
to get into it accessible from the room, and a second door that looked to be built
into the wall. Nearby was a computer terminal that seemed to be set up solely
for the glass cage.


Because it's not like a cage is something you can operate manually...

"In you go," Wesker said as he place his foot on Jill's butt, pushed her
inside the cage, and closed the door behind her.

"Wesker! WESKER!" Jill screamed at him.

"It's been swell knowing you Jill. It's nothing personal, it's just business.


He's just saying that so he can write off the rape on his taxes.

Now meet Simon." Wesker said with no emotion as he pushed several buttons
at the console and the second cage door opened up.

Still naked and unarmed Jill's situation turned grave as she realized who
Simon was. Simon looked to be another of those dog creatures that had killed
the pilot in the chopper earlier that night.


Yeah, sorry folks, but this is going exactly where you think it is. Now would be an excellent time to make sure that revolver is loaded, just in case.

"Wesker! Wesker! Let me out know and I'll let you live!" Jill screamed.

 

Otherwise, she's gonna close one eye and squash him between her fingers.

"Petty threats will get you nowhere Jill. I'm afraid this is it for you."
Wesker replied as he punched a few more buttons at the computer.

Tiles on the cage floor move and four mechanical tentacles shot out each
wrapping itself around one of her legs or arms.


For Christ's sake, man, just shoot her in the back of the head. Even most James Bond villains would think this was an unnecessarily extravagant way to kill someone.

Jill struggled with them and soon found it to be useless as they pulled her
down towards the floor but kept her body floating just above the floor.


This cage seems to have been designed with one very specific purpose in mind... How the hell did Wesker even sell the idea of this thing to the scientists who built it? "Yeah, see guys, I think we should have a robotic tentacle machine like this in case we ever need to conduct an experiment that requires a woman to be forced to have sex with an undead dog. ...For, for science."

Unlike the dog in the chopper it didn't attack Jill right away. Simon slowly
circled around Jill a few times before stopping to sniff at her crotch.
After a moment it's ears pricked up and it's tail started to wave.


Jill: Hey, this one isn't evil! Aw no, he's a good boy. Who's a good widdle boy, huh? Whooza good widdle zombie doggie!?

For a few moments the creature merely circled her, licking its maw. Then
Simon started to sniff again and then began licking at Jill's box.

"Wesker you're a sick pervert!" Jill screamed in fury.


Your hatred would be better directed toward the person responsible for writing this atrocity...

"Jill you misjudge me so. It's not that I'll get pleasure out of watching
him mount you in a moment. Oh no, the pleasure will come when he really
rips into you and kills you from the inside out."


Amazingly, Mugetsu G has managed to combine rape, necrophilia, and bestiality all into one exceedingly wretched sequence. It's a shame Jill isn't about ten years younger, otherwise we could add pedophilia to the list and hit all four corners of the forbidden sexual deviance map... Regardless, this is still a mighty impressive feat.

"REBECCAAAAAAAA!!!!" Jill screamed in disgust as Simon stopped licking and
mounted her placing his paws on her stomach. "Where are you????"


A few doors down still getting raped by Chris for all you know. I realize this situation is upsetting, Jill, but try not to break the fourth wall.

As Jill continued to scream and thrash her body wildly, Rebecca walked into
the room through a door opposite the one Wesker and Jill had come in.


Rebecca: Is this the ladies' ba-- Whoa.

"Good to see you again Rebecca," Wesker said as Rebecca made her way to his
side.

"Same here Wesker," Rebecca replied. "My things are taken care of, are
yours?"


So these two were working together!? What the hell!?! Man, there's plot twists, and then there's using words to simulate pissing in your readers' mouths.

"Just about. I don't particularly like Jill tonight, so I changed plans a
bit."

"Just one thing though," Wesker said as the two of them watched the
drooling canine continue to penetrate the woman's cunt behind the glass.


After a few minutes, they got tired of watching Madonna's newest music video on the portable TV set in the corner, and turned their attention back to Jill.

"What's that?"

"Just before you came in she yelled your name asking for help."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes it is," Wesker said removing his gun and pointing it at Rebecca, "And I
don't like being crossed."


So.... Wait. Hold on a second. So, like..... Okay, wait. Wesker, Chris, and Barry double-crossed the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team, but then Wesker and Rebecca double-crossed Barry and Chris, and now it turns out Rebecca teamed up with Jill and has double-crossed Wesker. Next we find out Rebecca is pregnant with Wesker's baby and Jill is actually a clone who is also a robot.

"Oh come on Wesker you think I'd really double cross you? I have no idea how
she found out about me but she's trying to get us to turn on each other."

"OH MY GOD!" Jill screamed as Simon was furiously ripping at her pussy in a
frenzy.


I love how they're just casually exchanging banter while a woman is savagely violated by a half Rottweiler/half abomination of science in a glass box two feet away from them.

"Doesn't much matter now," Wesker said as he looked over at the cage. "Simon
is close to coming. She'll be dead within the hour."


Wesker: Oh, that's right, I almost forget to mention that zombie dogs... *looks directly into the camera* ...have ACID SPERM!!

"No Albert you will," Rebecca said take advantage of his brief distraction
by ripping the gun from his hand and pointing it right back him. "Bye bye
Wesker."

Blam! A single shot is fired and Wesker brain explodes as the bullet passes
through.


Because, if action movies have taught us anything, it's that shooting something always causes it to explode. That's called physics, people.

Rebecca pushed several buttons on the console and the door to the cage soon
opened up. She quickly stepped inside and fired a shot into the air briefly
distracting Simon.


Then she remembered that she was inside a glass cage and wished she hadn't fired the gun upwards as the many shards of glass cut her badly as they fell to the ground.

Not one liking interruptions Simon dismounted Jill and growled at Rebecca.
Not letting him have time to do anything else, Rebecca fire several shots into the
dog's head killing him.

"Good... god..." Jill breathed heavily and out of breathe. "What... took so
long..."


Rebecca: I had to go on a twenty-minute detour moving statues around and arranging these damn crests to get the key that opened the door to the lab. I swear, this place is retarded!

"Hey now Jill things went according to plan on my part. You screwed up."

"Had the dog attacked Wesker like it was supposed to then I wouldn't have
been on the floor getting screwed by one of those things. Ah fuck it, it's
done and over with. Just get these things off of me."


So they knew about all of this in advance, including the zombie dogs and Bravo team getting killed and everything. I'm just gonna leave that alone, because I'm pretty sure the system that hosts my FTP server would short-circuit if I attempted to upload an HTML file as large as the one I'd end up with if I explained all the reasons why that doesn't make a shitbit of sense.

"Just a sec..." Rebecca replied as she stared at the computer screen and
pushed several buttons.

After about ten minutes the tentacles retracted and Jill fell to the floor.


It took her ten minutes to turn the thing off? I guess the thing can only be operated by entering a series of command prompts in DOS.

"Here you go," Rebecca said tossing Jill her clothes.

"Where you find clothes?" Jill asked dressing herself.


Jill: Where you find Jill clothes!? You answer! You answer now! Di di mau!

"I'm assuming in the room where you were initially taken. You have the data
on the virus?"

"Right here," Jill said smiling as she pulled two sealed petri dishes and
data folder out of the bag Wesker had brought into the room with him.


Now they can make their own zombie dogs, for all those lonely Saturday nights at home.

"Good work Jill, soon we'll be relaxing on the beaches of St. Croix,"
Rebecca smiled as she pecked Jill on the lips and the two of them headed
for the door.


Haha, oh, those two... You never know what zany misadventures they'll get themselves into next!


 

Well, looks like I was just about as wrong as I could be in assuming that one entire bottle of gin would be enough to get me through that fanfic without seriously contemplating suicide. It's a good thing I already preordered a copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, otherwise I'd probably be in the bathroom swallowing razorblades instead of writing this. I really don't want to be alive right now, but suffering through this pain is worth it if it means making sure those assholes at GameStop don't make $5 off of my demise.

As for the fanfic... God, I really don't know where to start with this one. How are you supposed to summarize something that you yourself don't understand? After finishing a fanfic review, I generally have some questions on my mind--such as "How could something this evil exist?" and "Why do I continue to hurt myself by doing these?" among other demoralizing quandaries--but usually not this many. I'm still not completely sure what was even going on during most of that story, and the scary part is, I'm not sure I even want to know...

Man, I guess that convoluted string of back-stabbings in this fic just really threw me off, and I'm still a bit disoriented from it. How the hell did Mugetsu G ever think that having his characters randomly change alliances thirty times would make for good storytelling? It's as if he put those parts in there for the sole purpose of mocking the people who complained that all the betrayals in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 were hard to follow. At least when Jack Sparrow was scheming who to screw over next, you could kind of turn your mind off and just marvel at how Johnny Depp managed to wear so much eyeliner and still look like a badass. There were no such pleasant distractions to be found in this fanfic, though. You just had to take the bewildering nonsense full-force, and hope that you'd still be able to remember details such as your own name once it was all over.

Speaking of remembering things, I don't think anyone wants to be reminded of the many horrifying and unnatural sexual acts that made it into this fic courtesy of Satan, so I won't dwell on those... I think it is worth mentioning, though, that having this fanfic on the site has greatly expanded the number of perversions I can claim to have willingly associated with something that has my name in the copyright notice. Now, when someone asks me if my website contains any descriptions of castration, I'll be able to look at the floor and meekly answer "Yes" before I begin crying into the palms of my hands. With any luck, that should cause the other person's disgust to override their pity and make them walk away before they see me curl up into the fetal position and suck on my thumb. So thank you for that, Mugetsu G. Thank you for everything.