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Special 07: "Christmas Fluff"
(A 'Naruto' fanfiction by
Happy holidays, everybody! Since society has decided
it's politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas" this
time of year, I'm trying to get used to the idea of using
alternate greetings so I don't look like an insensitive,
socially inept monster with no respect for people who choose
to practice religions which forbid them from acknowledging
that Christian holidays exist. I think I've done a pretty
good job remaining considerate of people's varying religious
preferences so far, but I'm worried that my mission to avoid
offending anyone will become quite a bit more difficult once I start writing today's
You see, the fanfic I've opted to go over takes place just
before (and makes numerous references to) Christmas. I
certainly didn't plan this as some kind of political
statement, it's just that I thought a story centering around
the holidays would be nice this time of year, but I couldn't find any
relevant fanfiction that involved Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadomadingdong
(sp?). This has placed me in quite a pickle,
though: I either have to simply ignore the fanfic's
sickening nonsecular bias, or risk upsetting thousands of
people who turn to this site for inoffensive, culturally
Whenever I face a moral dilemma like this, I try to imagine
the possible outcomes of different courses of action I could
take. After putting on my thinking cap (a bowler
with a large felt 'T' sewn onto the front) and watching a
few episodes of Twin Peaks to really get the ol' brain
juices flowing, I decided that I'm basically screwed no
matter what I do. With this comforting thought in mind, I
figured I may as well acknowledge the reality that
"Christmas Fluff" does in fact take place around Christmas, and hope that any readers who are not of the Christian
faith will forgive me for indulging in this shameless
attempt to force religious propaganda down their throats.
With that resolved, let's quickly talk about the fanfic
itself. The basic outline of the story
involves Naruto and Sasuke coming to terms with the
affection they share for each other when Sasuke—
Oh, hold on a second. I guess that's also pretty
controversial, isn't it... Well, I really am trying hard not
to offend anyone here, so let me assure you good folks reading
this page that I am neither advocating nor
denouncing homosexuality. I know there are many people in this great
nation of ours and across the world who practice alternative lifestyles, and I
respect their decision to do so. Not that being gay is a
choice, I just... Look, I didn't select this fanfic for the purpose of using
it as a political platform. I realize I'm dealing with some
very delicate issues here, and I hope that you'll all bear
with me as I get into this fanfiction review and try to
have a few good-spirited, non-bigoted laughs that we can
all share in together.
So, yes, today's fanfiction, titled "Christmas Fluff", tells
the story of Naruto and Sasuke realizing the love they share
and admitting it to both themselves and each other. The
author of this fanfic goes by the pseudonym Star Wolfie.
Although her FanFiction.net profile doesn't reveal much
about her interests, I'm assuming she—
Damn it! I wrote "her" and "she" didn't I... To everyone
reading this, especially the ladies, I am deeply sorry for
my insensitive insinuations. It was wrong of me to blindly
assume that Star Wolfie was female merely because this
fanfiction features content of a homosexual nature. I realize the
stereotype that all female anime fans are into yaoi is both
untrue and often hurtful, and I apologize if my previous
comments have caused anyone reading this to feel offended in
any way. To prove I am in fact a strong supporter of women's
right and gender equality, I will refer to Star Wolfie as a
man for the remainder of this review. Because Star Wolfie
could be a man or a woman, but that doesn't really
matter, because he or she is a person either way, and
I believe that all persons are equal.
I really am sorry for getting sidetracked so much here, but
this is just something I'm going to have to learn to
get used to as a member of the new politically
Alright. Christmas Fluff. As I was saying before, the
story is written by Star Wolfie. I don't know a whole lot
about him based on the limited information provided
in his online profile. That said, I think you can
make a couple pretty accurate assumptions based on
the story he's written here. First off, he's obviously a fan of Naruto, which leads me to believe his taste in things
is severely... Uh, no, never mind. There's nothing wrong
with liking Naruto. To each his own!
Umm, what else... Ho boy. Let's see... Oh, well, for one
thing, you can probably go ahead and assume he's a furry based
on his penname. Now if that right there doesn't make you want
to... to... No, I guess it's okay if he's a furry. Everyone has
a different view of the world... and we should, um,
respect... the... Uh, maybe I should... I can't....
NO! You know what, just fucking no! I
refuse to sit here and defend furries. No. To hell with this
political correctness bullshit, anyway! This country's
idiotic fear of hurting anyone's feelings is the worst trend
our culture has seen in decades, and we're the same dumbass nation
that took the premise of inbred welfare scroungers getting
yelled at by a judge in a small-claims court and made an entire
fucking genre of television show based around it.
If we as a society
don't re-grow some balls in the near future, we're all
screwed. The rest of the world is just going to stomp us into the
ground, and our final words will be a meek, pathetic, barely
audible "Thank... y-you..."
To all the people planning to send me hate-mail for this review,
go for it. Printing out your deliciously angry messages and using them to
make a giant papier mâché middle finger sounds like a fun
weekend activity. Unlike many of my peers, I am not
afraid of people who don't like me or disagree with my
Now then, The Goddamn Christmas Fluff. This is an appallingly
horrible-ass fanfic, and Star "Dogfucker" Wolfie should
feel thoroughly ashamed for ever having written it. Since
shame is an emotion far beyond his underdeveloped
mind's ability to feel, however, I'll have to step in and
once again remind the internet how destructive morons who think
they're creative can be. It's a real bitch of a burden, too, so you
all had better appreciate the time and effort I put into
Note: I don't own the characters
that appear in this story, but the story itself is mine.
Well, here is my first shot at
writing, so it might suck.
Yes, this is literally the first thing Star Wolfie
has ever written. Prior to finishing this story, his last
attempt at writing was a short grocery list that ended in utter
It is just a fluffy oneshot
drabble, methinks, so it isn't some plot-crazed story.
I hate those. I can't tell you how many books I've read that
have just been ruined by too much plot and not enough...
whatever else there's supposed to be.
I'm sorry if the writing style
sucks, by the way. Not that good at it!! Well, hope you like
it. Read and Review, please? 3
This is the most bipolar intro to a fanfic I've ever seen.
"I can't write worth shit this is gonna suck so hard oh god
I'm a failure at life!! Okay then, enjoy the story! Please
WARNINGS: Fluff, Boy on Boy. Thus
meaning, Yaoi. Don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, because if I did,
they'd be all over each other in the show! 3
I feel really bad for all the people living in the parallel
universe where this scenario is a reality. The next time you
feel like complaining about how much the Naruto anime sucks,
just remember: it could be worse. It could be a lot— Well, slightly
Summary: Christmas festivities
begin, and this year, Naruto won't be alone. Contains SasuNaru
YAOI. 3 3 3 3 3
Holy shit, they have sex 33,333 times!? In less than eight
page!? I have GOT to see how he pulls this off...
Luminous lights decorated the elderly facade of the reputable
mansion that belonged to none other than the being that thrived
well within his on-going fantasies.
I just spent half an hour going through my Snobbish-English
Dictionary, and I think that sentence roughly translates to, "There
was an old house with some lights on it." I ardently pray the
author disengages this grandiloquent vocabulary, lest this
critical appraisal of his written composition be rendered
Naruto Uzumaki, had become calmer and
wiser. The cold, hateful glares he received so often as a young
child had slowly died out, and no longer did he sob himself into
unconscious bliss to dream of a certain uncaring, raven haired,
Coming up next, ABC Family presents: 'A Very Pointless Naruto
Christmas', guest starring Simon Cowell!
And so, there he stood in the falling
snow, hesitant to move any further, but he longed to be inside.
Maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit here, but that sounds kind of
gay. Like... He longs to be inside another guy, you know.
Inside, people gathered to ramble on
about the latest gossip, or just to enjoy the season that had
begun. Christmas, a time of giving and receiving, was just
around the corner, and yet again, he would be alone.
More thinly-veiled homosexual implications. Yeah, I'll bet
Naruto can't stop thinking about all that "giving and receiving"
around "the corner". That's like how prostitutes talk to each
other in front of cops.
On such a merry holiday, he opened
presents, given to him from himself, but on this day, he wasn't
there mentally. Mentally, he was living a fantasy, and in which
Sasuke, the man who had taken his heart with just a simple look
was there, giving him the presents, which, in real life, he gave
So he dresses up a mannequin like Sasuke and pretends it gives
him presents that he buys and wraps himself. And he apparently
dreams about raping Sasuke while this happens. Man, Naruto is one sick
son of a bitch.
This year, however, there was a small
shift in his usual festivities. Somehow, an invitation coated in
a thick, yet pleasing cologne was tacked shamelessly to his
Naruto: *sniiiiifff* Mmm, it smells like Sasuke's ass if
I violated it with a cinnamon stick while carving my name into
Said invite was dressed in a silky,
orange ribbon, and upon this ribbon "Uchiha Sasuke" was written
in a thin permanent marker.
Star Wolfie is really obsessed with these tiny, unimportant
details. I can't possibly imagine the consistency of the ink on
the invitation coming into play as a significant plot device
later on in the story. Unless Sasuke wrote the note in someone
else's blood and there's a subplot about a murder mystery coming
up, I don't care how the hell he signs his damn party
So this was how he ended right where he
was, gazing longingly at the mansion dressed so decoratively for
the holiday to come. Vibrant coloured ribbons and streamers were
placed here and there, giving the once plain mansion a look of
Until all the paper streamers got wet from the snow, then the
whole thing just looked like shit.
Naruto sighed heavily, dressed in tight
leather, which seemed to fit his curves and toned body nicely.
Naruto naturally assumes that "Christmas party" is code for "BDSM
dungeon club meeting" just like it was for that "Easter brunch"
These clothes, being the only good
clothes he had in possession, were what he had worn to this
Why would a leather bodysuit be the only "good" clothes he
bought? Did someone tell Naruto he was in the Matrix?
With yet another sigh, he strode
forward, forcing himself to step up the decorated steps and on
towards the door.
With a quick tidying of his 'suit' he
extended his arm and knocked once upon the thick, wooden door.
Naruto: Oooohh damn, this hard, thick, massive wooden
door reminds me of Sasuke... Mmm...!
(Camera cuts to a close-up shot of a toilet bowl as sounds of
retching are heard.)
Streamers hung from the ceiling
decoratively as light music played in the background, although
it was almost inaudible over the chit chattering of people.
That's right folks, this is what ninja parties are like.
If you feel disappointed, it's your own fault for believing in
the stereotypes that all ninja get-togethers involve
tons of back-flipping and unexpected decapitations.
Sasuke was obviously aggravated, but
not by the happy melodies that rung within everyone's ears, nor
the loud gossiping and conversing.
Although those certainly had a part to play in his sour
attitude. He couldn't help but regret letting peer pressure
force him to abandon his "dead
orphans and goat skulls" theme for the party.
No, he was upset the one person he
really wanted to show up hadn't yet, especially after he had
been so generous to invite him. Naruto Uzumaki, better known as
the dobe, had yet to grace everyone with his presence.
As someone who doesn't pretend to speak Japanese for the sake of
being a douche bag, I have no idea what the hell "dobe" is
supposed to mean. I'm going to assume it's a misspelling of
"dope"; if I'm mistaken, then blame Star Wolfie for having
read more partially-translated yaoi doujinshi than me.
Their rivalry had stopped years ago, as
both had seen it as childish and a waste of time; however, with
this said, Naruto rarely showed up anymore.
Naruto decided to move to Los Angeles and star in his own
primetime spin-off (which was still just called "Naruto").
Although he'd never openly admit it, he
missed being around the blonde. The small squabbles they used to
have been now distant memories, and Naruto Uzumaki, the once
known "The Loud Mouthed Ninja" was no longer loud. He had
quieted down for some reason, and this troubled Sasuke more than
math to a first grader.
Star Wolfie uses this analogy because he too struggles greatly
to comprehend the enigma that is first-grade math.
With an impatient sigh, he ran a
slender hand through his silky, raven hair with slight
Remember folks, Sasuke is gay and feminine. This is a vitally important
detail to keep in mind if you don't want to miss the many
thought-provoking subtexts present throughout the story.
He leaned against one of the multiple
tables, his body placed in a perfect position as it always was,
and he allowed his thoughts to wander.
Damn, Sasuke is so perfect and sexy and perfect... I was
into girls when I first started reading this, but the author's
descriptions of Sasuke's perfect perfection are making me want
his bishounen boyhood so bad my head is spinning!
The loud knocking upon the large door
erected at the end of the room brought him out of his thoughts,
and a small shard of hope welled inside of him.
I've got something erected for ya, Sasuke. It's been
welling up inside of me the whole time I've been reading this.
OH GOD SASUKE IF ONLY YOU WERE REAL!
With a swift shifting of his body, he
straightened considerably and began his leisurely gait forward
towards the door, where someone waited within the cold wintry
weather. Groups of people, be it large or small, shifted to move
out of his way as he sauntered forward, hands stuffed carelessly
into his jacket's pockets.
Sasuke's a rebel who just doesn't care, just like I DON'T CARE
WHAT OTHERS THINK OF OUR FORBIDDEN LOVE SASUKE I WANT YOU INSIDE
ME SO BAD IT ACHES!
Mumbling beneath his breath about
blonde dobe's and lazy ass ninjas he lifted one of his slender,
almost feminine hands from his jacket pocket to wrap firmly
around the bronze doorknob.
Slowly, it was turned and the door was
I... I think it must be the impossibly sluggish pace of this
story causing me to lose my mind. Am I actually looking at two
entire sentences describing Sasuke's freakishly girly hands
turning a doorknob? There's no possible way this story wasn't
written with the intention of psychologically torturing its
The cool night air blew into his face, causing his onyx
locks to sway lightly, ruining the perfect way they were once
Well, there's seventy-five minutes of styling down the shitter. No
wonder poor Sasuke is such a ranging angstaholic.
Onyx eyes met cerulean, and he felt
himself drowning within them before said gaze was broken. And
so, he settled to hungrily drinking up every small detail, which
was visible, as leather seemed to be a second skin.
Naruto's outfit is actually just painted on. He figured it would
make it that much easier for him to jump straight into the
combination slave auction/orgy he just came from.
"Would you like to come in?"
The leather-clad boy shook his head before his quite voice
interrupted the silence between them.
"Actually, I need to talk to you
privately, if you would allow it.."
With a brief nod, he shut the door and moved to lean against the
Sasuke: Keep in mind that failing to show me the proper
reverence for even a moment will result in swift and severe
punishment. Should you dishonor my house with— Okay, wasn't
expecting that to cause an erection, but thanks anyway, I guess.
Naruto seemed to shy away, his gaze
downcast and he seemed completely oblivious to the cold. He wore
no jacket, his top being a tight leather shirt with no sleeves,
and if he leaned or moved a certain way, it would ride up to
show his stomach.
An earlier draft of this fic had him in a leather thong and
nipple clamps with a vibrating dildo sticking out of his mouth.
And when this happened, Sasuke could
not prevent himself from staring. The tight pants that went with
this attached itself to every curved and every slight rise or
fall of muscles and skin.
Sasuke: Goddamn it Naruto, the invitation said the event was black tie,
not black light rave!
These leather pants curved wonderfully
over the boy's taut rear, allowing Sasuke's thoughts to wander
without his imagination having to guess at how it was shaped.
It was octagonal.
Without hesitation, a body was pressed
against his in one fluid movement and lips slanted over his in a
gentle, passionate kiss. He found himself responding, allowing
his tongue to slide out of his mouth to trail languidly over
Naruto's lower lip before said boy parted his lips, taking in
If the descriptions of them kissing are this needlessly
detailed, I hate to think how this thing is going to read when
Sasuke is tossing Naruto's salad in the utility shed.
A small, almost playful fight for
dominance ensued, and in which, Sasuke won and preceded to delve
further into the welcoming cavern.
He was rewarded for his efforts with the savory taste of
stagnant water and bat guano.
Time seemed to freeze around them, even
though everything continued on around them as it had before.
Except with a great deal more open-mouthed staring from a group
of stunned carolers.
They seemed impervious to the cool
breezes that would have sent many indoors as they continued the
fervent kiss. Sasuke ran his tongue over everything inside the
sweet tasting mouth, which seemed to taste like chocolate and
Sasuke: This is unbelievable! It feels like I'm Frenching a unicorn's asshole!
When at last they broke apart, both men
were flushed, and Naruto's cheeks turned a few shades of red as
he seemed to realize what exactly he done.
Immediately, a wave of shame hit him with enough force to bring
him to his knees. It would be the first of many.
Sasuke's arms wrapped loosely around
his waist, pulling him closer against him and he buried his face
into the thick, messy blonde locks that smelled so much like
"Searching...Searching...Target sighted! Initiate Rape Sequence
It was cold outside, Naruto mused
lightly, as if just noticing the chilling temperature that
seemed to plague the village. Night had cast its obsidian
blanket over the village, shadows only kept at bay where
lanterns were hung from houses and restaurant, posts and fences.
Now Naruto has inexplicably wandered into Victorian England.
This is going to be the most fucked up retelling of A Christmas
Carol ever written...
A shudder coursed through his body, and
he wrapped his arms around himself, teeth chattering as the
goose bumps rose all over his body. As if the answer to his
prayers, the door opened to reveal the being of his obsession,
and the one he had fallen in love with, and had been in love
with for so long.
So I guess this supposed to be like in one of those sitcoms where you see each
of the different characters' individual versions of the same story,
where they each put their own spin on the events to make
themselves look better. So, what, I guess this version will have Naruto
as the dominant one? Or are these their respective
testimonies regarding the molestation charges?
"Would you like to come in?" Sasuke
questioned, his voice deep and rich, and it made his heart beat
Naruto shook his head briefly, their gazes locked for what
seemed an eternity before he looked away. He could feel the
tingle on his cheeks, making him aware of the blush that began
There's no way Naruto could be that shy when he's wearing nothing but
form-fitting leather pants and a biker's vest in the middle of a
"Actually, I would like to talk to you
privately, if you would allow it.."
Naruto: I mean, i-if you want. I understand it if
you'd rather we... Wait! No, p-please! Don't! Please Sasuke NOT
IN THE FACE! PEOPLE WILL ASK ABOUT THE BRUISES!
He shied away as he tried to form the
words to say, and when he did so, he could not find the voice to
vocalize it. His eyes remained locked on the floor and he seemed
more interested in it than he did Sasuke, but that was far from
Oh sure, Naruto wanted to do that floor pretty bad, but not as
bad as he wanted to do Sasuke. Though, he had to admit that there
was a sort of quite, almost elegant air of understanding between
him and the floor. Perhaps, one day....
Silence settled between them, and the
blonde found himself unable to speak, his mouth dry and his
throat tight. Somehow, his body found the ability to move, and
he closed the big space between them as his body pressed itself
against the thin, slender one of the Uchiha heir.
Naruto's lips covered the other boy's
passionately, his hands coming to rest against the other's
shoulder. The kitsune's heart
God, I HATE that word so much... A kitsune is just a fox,
right? Just say fox. Or better yet, don't refer to him as an
animal when he isn't one you delusional psychopathic furry!
pounded loudly within his ears, his
heart skipping a beat as he found Sasuke replying with just as
Their tongues ensued in a mock battle of dominance, and Sasuke
won. (A\N: Of course! 3)
Haha, oh yeah, of course! It's been so thoroughly established by
this point how strong Sasuke's tongue is, after all, it would be absurd to think he'd
He moaned against the Uchiha's lips as
he older boy delved deep down into his mouth.
Sasuke: Oh Naruto, your trachea tastes so sexy...!
He felt as though he was floating and
that time had stopped around them. The cold night air seemed to
effect them little, the heat from their bodies wrapping around
their bodies like a protective bubble.
That bubble did a fine job protecting them from the cold, but
what it couldn't protect them from was the judging gaze of the
The moment seemed to last for a long
period of time before the raven-haired boy broke off their kiss,
and cerulean met onyx in yet another locked gaze.
Two-thirds of this fanfic is random homoerotic imagery, and the
remaining third is descriptions of the characters staring at
Warm hands slid around his waist,
holding him closer to the one he loved unconditionally, and he
found himself burying into his chest. Ears flicked lightly as
the Uchiha buried his face into his blonde, unruly hair.
What the hell, I may as well just ask: What the fuck does ANY of this have to
do with Christmas?
Smiling lightly, he pulled back to
stare at him, cerulean eyes glistening with unshed tears and
pure bliss. The onyx-haired boy grinned.
Cerulean and onyx are good examples of color names that
shouldn't appear in your fanfic unless the story involves the
characters going to a paint store. See also: Daffodil, burgundy,
myrtle, and ocean breeze.
He quickly proceeded to cross his arms
over his chest, appearing to be utterly defiant, although his
eyes sparkled with mirth.
He's dominating, but in a loving kind of way. Like a prison
inmate who rapes you in the showers, then kisses you on the
forehead and tells you he appreciates you.
"What exactly was it you wished to talk
to me about, Naru-chan?"
"I just thought that this Christmas would be the Christmas I
finally told you that I... I'm in love with you," he whispered
Naruto: That makes these sinful, forbidden urges acceptable in the
eyes of our peers, right?
Rich laughter followed not long after
and Sasuke moved forward to wrap his arms languidly around the
I HATE you! I hate you SO MUCH! I hope you get trapped in
your yiffy dog suit and suffocate in there!
once again. "Mm.. Love you too, dobe.."
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. xD It might suck bad
near the end.
Oh no, not at all. The beginning and the middle were just
as bad, if not slightly worse.
It is like, past midnight when I
finished it, so yeah.. Anyway, Review please? 3 3 3!
What is your insane obsession with the number three, anyway? Is
that your IQ? How many days you've gone without wetting the bed?
The number of human sacrifices you have left before the Dark
grants you the power to shapeshift into a kawaii kitsune
Thanx as always mina-san!!
That story was horrible. This is not only my personal
opinion, but also a scientific fact. I say this because no
competent scientist would ever risk their credibility as an
intelligent, analytically-minded individual by saying they liked
that story even if it meant they had to lie. And within the
scientific community, lies are treated the same as facts if
enough people agree on them. Ergo, the notion that "Christmas
Fluff" is garbage is every bit as good as factual
data within the eyes of science. Quod erat demonstrandum,
Now, even though I've just proven the horrendousness of this
fanfic with the help of an inescapable logic trap, I'll stay
true to the charitable spirit of Christmas by offering some
additional viewpoints on this story's quality. That
way, you can consider a variety of different opinions and form
your own conclusions based on the arguments provided. That's fair,
Below, I've posted several reviews that people submitted for
Christmas Fluff on FanFiction.net. While these reviews may seem
like an extension of my own cruel sense of humor, I swear to you
that they are 100% genuine. Each review was copied and reprinted
exactly as it appeared on FanFiction.net. I have not edited or
altered these in any way. I even managed to overcome my OCD and
refrained from correcting any of the many annoyingly obvious
The original reviews are in red,
with my comments in white.
* * * * *
Yay! u put the pov changes in, that
cool! I really like this oneshot, it's great for your first stab
at writing! Great Job!! - BlackEyedWicca
You hear that, Star Wolfie? You did a Great Job! Way to go,
Champ! Overlooking the fact that BlackEyedWicca sounds like
someone's senile-yet-unfailingly-supportive grandmother, notice
the part where he praised Star Wolfie for putting in the POV
changes. Thanks to my training as an Internet Detective, I'm
able to deduce that the confusing point of view changes weren't in the
original draft of this fic, but ol' Wolfie went back and added
them in later at the request of his readers. In other words, the
feedback he got from people on FanFiction.net actually caused him to make his story even worse than it was to begin
* * * * *
Meh, where's the hot SasuNaru smex?
Samy, I want boy pounding into other boy with said uke writhing
under his seme! Now damnit! I ned the yaoi smex, or I'll
explode! It's happened before. >.> Anyways, event hough it's
missing a vital part, the story be loverly. Better tan I could
write. You know I love you though! - Tefis
According to Tefis, the only thing—the one solitary thing—that
was wrong with this fanfic was that it lacked a graphic sex
scene between two underage boys. At least, I think that's
what this review is trying to say... The writing is so abysmal I
can't even figure out if any given chunk of letters is a
Japanese term, some obscure colloquialism, or simply the result
of Tefis trying to type with deformed flipper-hands.
* * * * *
hehe, naruto in leather... i wonder if sasuke has a fetish...?
if so, that must've pleasseedd himm...!
done being... myself ^.^ - Kirami Belle
Oh Kirami Belle, you so craaazzy! It's so funny and wacky the
way you act like your mother drank excessive quantities of
alcohol while she was pregnaanntt with yoouu...! ^.^
* * * * *
0.0 so kawaii... perfect really -
Sometimes it feels like people I've never met are trying to
drive me insane.
* * * * *
damn.. tat was an amazingly written
story, with very vivid details!!
yur a friggin grate author!! XDD HOPE TO READ MORE FRUM U IN TEH
FUTURE!! ^o~ - starkydud
I don't even know where to begin with this one. The ONLY
way this shit is justifiable is if starkydud was viewing this
story on a smartphone and wrote
that review using the on-screen keypad while he was murdered by someone
with a hatchet. "Alright, the cops are on their way... Whoops,
looks like that serial killer that just slayed my family has
spotted me! I guess I may as well die doing what I love more
than anything: writing reviews for shitty Naruto fanfiction."
* * * * *
And last but certainly not least, here's my personal favorite
review from the bunch:
I'm a fan of shounen-ai/yoai, but i'm
not gay. It's a very nice story. Romance stories are my
favourites - Kuro-riin
* * * * *
I should mention that the six brillaint literary evaluations
featured above are less than half of the total reviews that Christmas
Fluff has received at the time of this writing. I doubt I even
need to tell you that the rest are every bit as glowing and
supportive of Star Wolfie's future writing career as the ones
you just read.
Whether you trust my ironclad scientific evidence that this
fanfic is awful or you believe in the elated testimonies of
people too stupid to figure out they serve no purpose and
should commit suicide to avoid wasting precious oxygen that could be better used by
various species of mold, I think you'll agree that
Christmas Fluff has some problems its author should have
corrected before publishing it on the internet. For instance, he
could have been more faithful the
characters and their personalities. God knows I don't want to
stifle Star Wolfie's creative spirit, but maybe making Sasuke an
anorexic female underwear model and turning Naruto into the most
timid employee at an S&M dungeon was taking things a bit too far
beyond the limits of artistic license.
Also, why was this labeled as a Christmas fanfic? Aside from giving Star Wolfie an excuse to talk
about Sasuke's decorating taste in agonizing detail, the fact
that the story was set around Christmas time really didn't have
much of an impact on the plot. You could have made the lights and
ribbons covering Sasuke's mansion green and changed the title to
"Arbor Day Fluff" and it really wouldn't have made
much of a difference in the end.
To be fair, I suppose I can't fault Star Wolfie for referencing
Christmas in his fic for no good reason, seeing as it gave me a
good excuse to make fun of it the week before Christmas for no
good reason. Without its mention of this magical season, this fanfic may have gone unnoticed during my latest routine hunt for
new material and ultimately escaped my wrath. That would have
been a shame, because then I wouldn't have had the pretext of
reviewing it to help me release some of this uncontrollable
anger I always seem to build up this time of year, nor
would I have had sufficient motivation to make a batch of eggnog
with fourteen times as much bourbon as the recipe called for
just to help me deal with the challenge of coming up with
something to say about two boys mouth-fucking each other in the
middle of a blizzard. If you think what I do is easy, try
getting so drunk you can barely sit up straight, then critiquing
a disjointed, over-descriptive story depicting two male
characters pining for each other's shapely asses and making out
for seven pages. Pro Tip: If you choose to accept this
challenge, I strongly recommend keeping a minimum of at
least two large buckets nearby. You're gonna need them sooner or
As for you, Star Wolfie, I don't know what else is left to say
besides Great Job!! Youu is are an awesomingally writer and i
look forwrad to yur next fanfic...! include morre yummy anal
smex though nextt tim, okay!?? <o< Teeheehee I can be so gosh
darn zany sometimes! ^u^ 3 3 3 3 3