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Special 07: "Christmas Fluff"
(A 'Naruto' fanfiction by Star Wolfie)


Happy holidays, everybody! Since society has decided it's politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas" this time of year, I'm trying to get used to the idea of using alternate greetings so I don't look like an insensitive, socially inept monster with no respect for people who choose to practice religions which forbid them from acknowledging that Christian holidays exist. I think I've done a pretty good job remaining considerate of people's varying religious preferences so far, but I'm worried that my mission to avoid offending anyone will become quite a bit more difficult once I start writing today's fanfiction review.

You see, the fanfic I've opted to go over takes place just before (and makes numerous references to) Christmas. I certainly didn't plan this as some kind of political statement, it's just that I thought a story centering around the holidays would be nice this time of year, but I couldn't find any relevant fanfiction that involved Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadomadingdong (sp?). This has placed me in quite a pickle, though: I either have to simply ignore the fanfic's sickening nonsecular bias, or risk upsetting thousands of people who turn to this site for inoffensive, culturally diverse entertainment.

Whenever I face a moral dilemma like this, I try to imagine the possible outcomes of different courses of action I could take. After putting on my thinking cap (a bowler with a large felt 'T' sewn onto the front) and watching a few episodes of Twin Peaks to really get the ol' brain juices flowing, I decided that I'm basically screwed no matter what I do. With this comforting thought in mind, I figured I may as well acknowledge the reality that "Christmas Fluff" does in fact take place around Christmas, and hope that any readers who are not of the Christian faith will forgive me for indulging in this shameless attempt to force religious propaganda down their throats.

With that resolved, let's quickly talk about the fanfic itself. The basic outline of the story involves Naruto and Sasuke coming to terms with the affection they share for each other when Sasuke—

Oh, hold on a second. I guess that's also pretty controversial, isn't it... Well, I really am trying hard not to offend anyone here, so let me assure you good folks reading this page that I am neither advocating nor denouncing homosexuality. I know there are many people in this great nation of ours and across the world who practice alternative lifestyles, and I respect their decision to do so. Not that being gay is a choice, I just... Look, I didn't select this fanfic for the purpose of using it as a political platform. I realize I'm dealing with some very delicate issues here, and I hope that you'll all bear with me as I get into this fanfiction review and try to have a few good-spirited, non-bigoted laughs that we can all share in together.

So, yes, today's fanfiction, titled "Christmas Fluff", tells the story of Naruto and Sasuke realizing the love they share and admitting it to both themselves and each other. The author of this fanfic goes by the pseudonym Star Wolfie. Although her FanFiction.net profile doesn't reveal much about her interests, I'm assuming she—

Damn it! I wrote "her" and "she" didn't I... To everyone reading this, especially the ladies, I am deeply sorry for my insensitive insinuations. It was wrong of me to blindly assume that Star Wolfie was female merely because this fanfiction features content of a homosexual nature. I realize the stereotype that all female anime fans are into yaoi is both untrue and often hurtful, and I apologize if my previous comments have caused anyone reading this to feel offended in any way. To prove I am in fact a strong supporter of women's right and gender equality, I will refer to Star Wolfie as a man for the remainder of this review. Because Star Wolfie could be a man or a woman, but that doesn't really matter, because he or she is a person either way, and I believe that all persons are equal.

I really am sorry for getting sidetracked so much here, but this is just something I'm going to have to learn to get used to as a member of the new politically correct America.

Alright. Christmas Fluff. As I was saying before, the story is written by Star Wolfie. I don't know a whole lot about him based on the limited information provided in his online profile. That said, I think you can make a couple pretty accurate assumptions based on the story he's written here. First off, he's obviously a fan of Naruto, which leads me to believe his taste in things is severely... Uh, no, never mind. There's nothing wrong with liking Naruto. To each his own!

 

Umm, what else... Ho boy. Let's see... Oh, well, for one thing, you can probably go ahead and assume he's a furry based on his penname. Now if that right there doesn't make you want to... to... No, I guess it's okay if he's a furry. Everyone has a different view of the world... and we should, um, respect... the... Uh, maybe I should... I can't....

NO! You know what, just fucking no! I refuse to sit here and defend furries. No. To hell with this political correctness bullshit, anyway! This country's idiotic fear of hurting anyone's feelings is the worst trend our culture has seen in decades, and we're the same dumbass nation that took the premise of inbred welfare scroungers getting yelled at by a judge in a small-claims court and made an entire fucking genre of television show based around it.

 

If we as a society don't re-grow some balls in the near future, we're all screwed. The rest of the world is just going to stomp us into the ground, and our final words will be a meek, pathetic, barely audible "Thank... y-you..."

To all the people planning to send me hate-mail for this review, go for it. Printing out your deliciously angry messages and using them to make a giant papier mâché middle finger sounds like a fun weekend activity. Unlike many of my peers, I am not afraid of people who don't like me or disagree with my opinions.

Now then, The Goddamn Christmas Fluff. This is an appallingly bad, wretched, horrible-ass fanfic, and Star "Dogfucker" Wolfie should feel thoroughly ashamed for ever having written it. Since shame is an emotion far beyond his underdeveloped mind's ability to feel, however, I'll have to step in and once again remind the internet how destructive morons who think they're creative can be. It's a real bitch of a burden, too, so you all had better appreciate the time and effort I put into this shit!

 


 

Note: I don't own the characters that appear in this story, but the story itself is mine.

 

Well, here is my first shot at writing, so it might suck.

Yes, this is literally the first thing Star Wolfie has ever written. Prior to finishing this story, his last attempt at writing was a short grocery list that ended in utter disaster.

It is just a fluffy oneshot drabble, methinks, so it isn't some plot-crazed story.

I hate those. I can't tell you how many books I've read that have just been ruined by too much plot and not enough... whatever else there's supposed to be.

I'm sorry if the writing style sucks, by the way. Not that good at it!! Well, hope you like it. Read and Review, please? 3

This is the most bipolar intro to a fanfic I've ever seen. "I can't write worth shit this is gonna suck so hard oh god I'm a failure at life!! Okay then, enjoy the story! Please review! ^_^"

WARNINGS: Fluff, Boy on Boy. Thus meaning, Yaoi. Don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, because if I did, they'd be all over each other in the show! 3


I feel really bad for all the people living in the parallel universe where this scenario is a reality. The next time you feel like complaining about how much the Naruto anime sucks, just remember: it could be worse. It could be a lot— Well, slightly worse.

Summary: Christmas festivities begin, and this year, Naruto won't be alone. Contains SasuNaru YAOI. 3 3 3 3 3

Holy shit, they have sex 33,333 times!? In less than eight page!? I have GOT to see how he pulls this off...
 

Christmas Fluff


Luminous lights decorated the elderly facade of the reputable mansion that belonged to none other than the being that thrived well within his on-going fantasies.


I just spent half an hour going through my Snobbish-English Dictionary, and I think that sentence roughly translates to, "There was an old house with some lights on it." I ardently pray the author disengages this grandiloquent vocabulary, lest this critical appraisal of his written composition be rendered interminable!

Naruto Uzumaki, had become calmer and wiser. The cold, hateful glares he received so often as a young child had slowly died out, and no longer did he sob himself into unconscious bliss to dream of a certain uncaring, raven haired, arrogant prick.

Coming up next, ABC Family presents: 'A Very Pointless Naruto Christmas', guest starring Simon Cowell!

And so, there he stood in the falling snow, hesitant to move any further, but he longed to be inside.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit here, but that sounds kind of gay. Like... He longs to be inside another guy, you know.

 

Inside, people gathered to ramble on about the latest gossip, or just to enjoy the season that had begun. Christmas, a time of giving and receiving, was just around the corner, and yet again, he would be alone.

More thinly-veiled homosexual implications. Yeah, I'll bet Naruto can't stop thinking about all that "giving and receiving" just around "the corner". That's like how prostitutes talk to each other in front of cops.

On such a merry holiday, he opened presents, given to him from himself, but on this day, he wasn't there mentally. Mentally, he was living a fantasy, and in which Sasuke, the man who had taken his heart with just a simple look was there, giving him the presents, which, in real life, he gave to himself.

So he dresses up a mannequin like Sasuke and pretends it gives him presents that he buys and wraps himself. And he apparently dreams about raping Sasuke while this happens. Man, Naruto is one sick son of a bitch.

This year, however, there was a small shift in his usual festivities. Somehow, an invitation coated in a thick, yet pleasing cologne was tacked shamelessly to his door.

Naruto: *sniiiiifff* Mmm, it smells like Sasuke's ass if I violated it with a cinnamon stick while carving my name into his back...

Said invite was dressed in a silky, orange ribbon, and upon this ribbon "Uchiha Sasuke" was written in a thin permanent marker.

Star Wolfie is really obsessed with these tiny, unimportant details. I can't possibly imagine the consistency of the ink on the invitation coming into play as a significant plot device later on in the story. Unless Sasuke wrote the note in someone else's blood and there's a subplot about a murder mystery coming up, I don't care how the hell he signs his damn party invitations.

So this was how he ended right where he was, gazing longingly at the mansion dressed so decoratively for the holiday to come. Vibrant coloured ribbons and streamers were placed here and there, giving the once plain mansion a look of elegance.

Until all the paper streamers got wet from the snow, then the whole thing just looked like shit.

Naruto sighed heavily, dressed in tight leather, which seemed to fit his curves and toned body nicely.

Naruto naturally assumes that "Christmas party" is code for "BDSM dungeon club meeting" just like it was for that "Easter brunch" Sasuke hosted.

These clothes, being the only good clothes he had in possession, were what he had worn to this "formal" get-together.

Why would a leather bodysuit be the only "good" clothes he bought? Did someone tell Naruto he was in the Matrix?

With yet another sigh, he strode forward, forcing himself to step up the decorated steps and on towards the door.

With a quick tidying of his 'suit' he extended his arm and knocked once upon the thick, wooden door.

Naruto: Oooohh damn, this hard, thick, massive wooden door reminds me of Sasuke... Mmm...!

(Sasuke POV.)

(Camera cuts to a close-up shot of a toilet bowl as sounds of retching are heard.)

Streamers hung from the ceiling decoratively as light music played in the background, although it was almost inaudible over the chit chattering of people.

That's right folks, this is what ninja parties are like. If you feel disappointed, it's your own fault for believing in the stereotypes that all ninja get-togethers involve tons of back-flipping and unexpected decapitations.

Sasuke was obviously aggravated, but not by the happy melodies that rung within everyone's ears, nor the loud gossiping and conversing.

Although those certainly had a part to play in his sour attitude. He couldn't help but regret letting peer pressure force him to abandon his "dead orphans and goat skulls" theme for the party.

No, he was upset the one person he really wanted to show up hadn't yet, especially after he had been so generous to invite him. Naruto Uzumaki, better known as the dobe, had yet to grace everyone with his presence.

As someone who doesn't pretend to speak Japanese for the sake of being a douche bag, I have no idea what the hell "dobe" is supposed to mean. I'm going to assume it's a misspelling of "dope"; if I'm mistaken, then blame Star Wolfie for having read more partially-translated yaoi doujinshi than me.

Their rivalry had stopped years ago, as both had seen it as childish and a waste of time; however, with this said, Naruto rarely showed up anymore.

Naruto decided to move to Los Angeles and star in his own primetime spin-off (which was still just called "Naruto").

Although he'd never openly admit it, he missed being around the blonde. The small squabbles they used to have been now distant memories, and Naruto Uzumaki, the once known "The Loud Mouthed Ninja" was no longer loud. He had quieted down for some reason, and this troubled Sasuke more than math to a first grader.

Star Wolfie uses this analogy because he too struggles greatly to comprehend the enigma that is first-grade math.

With an impatient sigh, he ran a slender hand through his silky, raven hair with slight irritation.

Remember folks, Sasuke is gay and feminine. This is a vitally important detail to keep in mind if you don't want to miss the many thought-provoking subtexts present throughout the story.

He leaned against one of the multiple tables, his body placed in a perfect position as it always was, and he allowed his thoughts to wander.

Damn, Sasuke is so perfect and sexy and perfect... I was into girls when I first started reading this, but the author's descriptions of Sasuke's perfect perfection are making me want his bishounen boyhood so bad my head is spinning!

The loud knocking upon the large door erected at the end of the room brought him out of his thoughts, and a small shard of hope welled inside of him.

I've got something erected for ya, Sasuke. It's been welling up inside of me the whole time I've been reading this. OH GOD SASUKE IF ONLY YOU WERE REAL!

With a swift shifting of his body, he straightened considerably and began his leisurely gait forward towards the door, where someone waited within the cold wintry weather. Groups of people, be it large or small, shifted to move out of his way as he sauntered forward, hands stuffed carelessly into his jacket's pockets.

Sasuke's a rebel who just doesn't care, just like I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF OUR FORBIDDEN LOVE SASUKE I WANT YOU INSIDE ME SO BAD IT ACHES!

Mumbling beneath his breath about blonde dobe's and lazy ass ninjas he lifted one of his slender, almost feminine hands from his jacket pocket to wrap firmly around the bronze doorknob. Slowly, it was turned and the door was opened.

 

I... I think it must be the impossibly sluggish pace of this story causing me to lose my mind. Am I actually looking at two entire sentences describing Sasuke's freakishly girly hands turning a doorknob? There's no possible way this story wasn't written with the intention of psychologically torturing its readers.

 

The cool night air blew into his face, causing his onyx locks to sway lightly, ruining the perfect way they were once placed.

Well, there's seventy-five minutes of styling down the shitter. No wonder poor Sasuke is such a ranging angstaholic.

Onyx eyes met cerulean, and he felt himself drowning within them before said gaze was broken. And so, he settled to hungrily drinking up every small detail, which was visible, as leather seemed to be a second skin.

Naruto's outfit is actually just painted on. He figured it would make it that much easier for him to jump straight into the combination slave auction/orgy he just came from.

"Would you like to come in?"

The leather-clad boy shook his head before his quite voice interrupted the silence between them.


"Actually, I need to talk to you privately, if you would allow it.."

With a brief nod, he shut the door and moved to lean against the wall patiently.


Sasuke: Keep in mind that failing to show me the proper reverence for even a moment will result in swift and severe punishment. Should you dishonor my house with— Okay, wasn't expecting that to cause an erection, but thanks anyway, I guess.

Naruto seemed to shy away, his gaze downcast and he seemed completely oblivious to the cold. He wore no jacket, his top being a tight leather shirt with no sleeves, and if he leaned or moved a certain way, it would ride up to show his stomach.

An earlier draft of this fic had him in a leather thong and nipple clamps with a vibrating dildo sticking out of his mouth.

And when this happened, Sasuke could not prevent himself from staring. The tight pants that went with this attached itself to every curved and every slight rise or fall of muscles and skin.

Sasuke: Goddamn it Naruto, the invitation said the event was black tie, not black light rave!

These leather pants curved wonderfully over the boy's taut rear, allowing Sasuke's thoughts to wander without his imagination having to guess at how it was shaped.

It was octagonal.

Without hesitation, a body was pressed against his in one fluid movement and lips slanted over his in a gentle, passionate kiss. He found himself responding, allowing his tongue to slide out of his mouth to trail languidly over Naruto's lower lip before said boy parted his lips, taking in his tongue.

If the descriptions of them kissing are this needlessly detailed, I hate to think how this thing is going to read when Sasuke is tossing Naruto's salad in the utility shed.

A small, almost playful fight for dominance ensued, and in which, Sasuke won and preceded to delve further into the welcoming cavern.

He was rewarded for his efforts with the savory taste of stagnant water and bat guano.

Time seemed to freeze around them, even though everything continued on around them as it had before.

Except with a great deal more open-mouthed staring from a group of stunned carolers.

They seemed impervious to the cool breezes that would have sent many indoors as they continued the fervent kiss. Sasuke ran his tongue over everything inside the sweet tasting mouth, which seemed to taste like chocolate and strawberries.

Sasuke: This is unbelievable! It feels like I'm Frenching a unicorn's asshole!

When at last they broke apart, both men were flushed, and Naruto's cheeks turned a few shades of red as he seemed to realize what exactly he done.

Immediately, a wave of shame hit him with enough force to bring him to his knees. It would be the first of many.

Sasuke's arms wrapped loosely around his waist, pulling him closer against him and he buried his face into the thick, messy blonde locks that smelled so much like cinnamon.

(Naruto POV)


"Searching...Searching...Target sighted! Initiate Rape Sequence Alpha! DE-STROY! DIS-GRACE!"

It was cold outside, Naruto mused lightly, as if just noticing the chilling temperature that seemed to plague the village. Night had cast its obsidian blanket over the village, shadows only kept at bay where lanterns were hung from houses and restaurant, posts and fences.

Now Naruto has inexplicably wandered into Victorian England. This is going to be the most fucked up retelling of A Christmas Carol ever written...

A shudder coursed through his body, and he wrapped his arms around himself, teeth chattering as the goose bumps rose all over his body. As if the answer to his prayers, the door opened to reveal the being of his obsession, and the one he had fallen in love with, and had been in love with for so long.

So I guess this supposed to be like in one of those sitcoms where you see each of the different characters' individual versions of the same story, where they each put their own spin on the events to make themselves look better. So, what, I guess this version will have Naruto as the dominant one? Or are these their respective testimonies regarding the molestation charges?

"Would you like to come in?" Sasuke questioned, his voice deep and rich, and it made his heart beat albeit faster.

Naruto shook his head briefly, their gazes locked for what seemed an eternity before he looked away. He could feel the tingle on his cheeks, making him aware of the blush that began to form.


There's no way Naruto could be that shy when he's wearing nothing but form-fitting leather pants and a biker's vest in the middle of a damn snowstorm.

"Actually, I would like to talk to you privately, if you would allow it.."

Naruto: I mean, i-if you want. I understand it if you'd rather we... Wait! No, p-please! Don't! Please Sasuke NOT IN THE FACE! PEOPLE WILL ASK ABOUT THE BRUISES!

He shied away as he tried to form the words to say, and when he did so, he could not find the voice to vocalize it. His eyes remained locked on the floor and he seemed more interested in it than he did Sasuke, but that was far from the truth.

Oh sure, Naruto wanted to do that floor pretty bad, but not as bad as he wanted to do Sasuke. Though, he had to admit that there was a sort of quite, almost elegant air of understanding between him and the floor. Perhaps, one day....

Silence settled between them, and the blonde found himself unable to speak, his mouth dry and his throat tight. Somehow, his body found the ability to move, and he closed the big space between them as his body pressed itself against the thin, slender one of the Uchiha heir.

Naruto's lips covered the other boy's passionately, his hands coming to rest against the other's shoulder. The kitsune's heart

God, I HATE that word so much... A kitsune is just a fox, right? Just say fox. Or better yet, don't refer to him as an animal when he isn't one you delusional psychopathic furry!

pounded loudly within his ears, his heart skipping a beat as he found Sasuke replying with just as much passion.

Their tongues ensued in a mock battle of dominance, and Sasuke won. (A\N: Of course! 3)


Haha, oh yeah, of course! It's been so thoroughly established by this point how strong Sasuke's tongue is, after all, it would be absurd to think he'd lose.

He moaned against the Uchiha's lips as he older boy delved deep down into his mouth.

Sasuke: Oh Naruto, your trachea tastes so sexy...!

He felt as though he was floating and that time had stopped around them. The cold night air seemed to effect them little, the heat from their bodies wrapping around their bodies like a protective bubble.

That bubble did a fine job protecting them from the cold, but what it couldn't protect them from was the judging gaze of the Lord.

The moment seemed to last for a long period of time before the raven-haired boy broke off their kiss, and cerulean met onyx in yet another locked gaze.

Two-thirds of this fanfic is random homoerotic imagery, and the remaining third is descriptions of the characters staring at things.

Warm hands slid around his waist, holding him closer to the one he loved unconditionally, and he found himself burying into his chest. Ears flicked lightly as the Uchiha buried his face into his blonde, unruly hair.

What the hell, I may as well just ask: What the fuck does ANY of this have to do with Christmas?

Smiling lightly, he pulled back to stare at him, cerulean eyes glistening with unshed tears and pure bliss. The onyx-haired boy grinned.

Cerulean and onyx are good examples of color names that shouldn't appear in your fanfic unless the story involves the characters going to a paint store. See also: Daffodil, burgundy, myrtle, and ocean breeze.

He quickly proceeded to cross his arms over his chest, appearing to be utterly defiant, although his eyes sparkled with mirth.

He's dominating, but in a loving kind of way. Like a prison inmate who rapes you in the showers, then kisses you on the forehead and tells you he appreciates you.

"What exactly was it you wished to talk to me about, Naru-chan?"

"I just thought that this Christmas would be the Christmas I finally told you that I... I'm in love with you," he whispered softly.


Naruto: That makes these sinful, forbidden urges acceptable in the eyes of our peers, right?

Rich laughter followed not long after and Sasuke moved forward to wrap his arms languidly around the kitsune's waist

I HATE you! I hate you SO MUCH! I hope you get trapped in your yiffy dog suit and suffocate in there!

once again. "Mm.. Love you too, dobe.."

OWARI

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. xD It might suck bad near the end.


Oh no, not at all. The beginning and the middle were just as bad, if not slightly worse.

It is like, past midnight when I finished it, so yeah.. Anyway, Review please? 3 3 3!

What is your insane obsession with the number three, anyway? Is that your IQ? How many days you've gone without wetting the bed? The number of human sacrifices you have left before the Dark Canidae Lord grants you the power to shapeshift into a kawaii kitsune spirit?

 

Thanx as always mina-san!!


 

That story was horrible. This is not only my personal opinion, but also a scientific fact. I say this because no competent scientist would ever risk their credibility as an intelligent, analytically-minded individual by saying they liked that story even if it meant they had to lie. And within the scientific community, lies are treated the same as facts if enough people agree on them. Ergo, the notion that "Christmas Fluff" is garbage is every bit as good as factual data within the eyes of science. Quod erat demonstrandum, bitches.

Now, even though I've just proven the horrendousness of this fanfic with the help of an inescapable logic trap, I'll stay true to the charitable spirit of Christmas by offering some additional viewpoints on this story's quality. That way, you can consider a variety of different opinions and form your own conclusions based on the arguments provided. That's fair, right?

Below, I've posted several reviews that people submitted for Christmas Fluff on FanFiction.net. While these reviews may seem like an extension of my own cruel sense of humor, I swear to you that they are 100% genuine. Each review was copied and reprinted exactly as it appeared on FanFiction.net. I have not edited or altered these in any way. I even managed to overcome my OCD and refrained from correcting any of the many annoyingly obvious grammatical errors.

The original reviews are in red, with my comments in white.

* * * * *

Yay! u put the pov changes in, that cool! I really like this oneshot, it's great for your first stab at writing! Great Job!! - BlackEyedWicca

You hear that, Star Wolfie? You did a Great Job! Way to go, Champ! Overlooking the fact that BlackEyedWicca sounds like someone's senile-yet-unfailingly-supportive grandmother, notice the part where he praised Star Wolfie for putting in the POV changes. Thanks to my training as an Internet Detective, I'm able to deduce that the confusing point of view changes weren't in the original draft of this fic, but ol' Wolfie went back and added them in later at the request of his readers. In other words, the feedback he got from people on FanFiction.net actually caused him to make his story even worse than it was to begin with.

* * * * *

Meh, where's the hot SasuNaru smex? Samy, I want boy pounding into other boy with said uke writhing under his seme! Now damnit! I ned the yaoi smex, or I'll explode! It's happened before. >.> Anyways, event hough it's missing a vital part, the story be loverly. Better tan I could write. You know I love you though! - Tefis

According to Tefis, the only thing—the one solitary thing—that was wrong with this fanfic was that it lacked a graphic sex scene between two underage boys. At least, I think that's what this review is trying to say... The writing is so abysmal I can't even figure out if any given chunk of letters is a Japanese term, some obscure colloquialism, or simply the result of Tefis trying to type with deformed flipper-hands.

* * * * *

E!

 

UBER AMAZING!

hehe, naruto in leather... i wonder if sasuke has a fetish...? if so, that must've pleasseedd himm...!

done being... myself ^.^ - Kirami Belle


Oh Kirami Belle, you so craaazzy! It's so funny and wacky the way you act like your mother drank excessive quantities of alcohol while she was pregnaanntt with yoouu...! ^.^

* * * * *

 

0.0 so kawaii... perfect really - Tobifangirl

 

Sometimes it feels like people I've never met are trying to drive me insane.

 

* * * * *

damn.. tat was an amazingly written story, with very vivid details!!

yur a friggin grate author!! XDD HOPE TO READ MORE FRUM U IN TEH FUTURE!! ^o~ - starkydud


I don't even know where to begin with this one. The ONLY way this shit is justifiable is if starkydud was viewing this story on a smartphone and wrote that review using the on-screen keypad while he was murdered by someone with a hatchet. "Alright, the cops are on their way... Whoops, looks like that serial killer that just slayed my family has spotted me! I guess I may as well die doing what I love more than anything: writing reviews for shitty Naruto fanfiction."

* * * * *

And last but certainly not least, here's my personal favorite review from the bunch:

I'm a fan of shounen-ai/yoai, but i'm not gay. It's a very nice story. Romance stories are my favourites - Kuro-riin

* * * * *

I should mention that the six brillaint literary evaluations featured above are less than half of the total reviews that Christmas Fluff has received at the time of this writing. I doubt I even need to tell you that the rest are every bit as glowing and supportive of Star Wolfie's future writing career as the ones you just read.

Whether you trust my ironclad scientific evidence that this fanfic is awful or you believe in the elated testimonies of people too stupid to figure out they serve no purpose and should commit suicide to avoid wasting precious oxygen that could be better used by various species of mold, I think you'll agree that Christmas Fluff has some problems its author should have corrected before publishing it on the internet. For instance, he could have been more faithful the characters and their personalities. God knows I don't want to stifle Star Wolfie's creative spirit, but maybe making Sasuke an anorexic female underwear model and turning Naruto into the most timid employee at an S&M dungeon was taking things a bit too far beyond the limits of artistic license.

Also, why was this labeled as a Christmas fanfic? Aside from giving Star Wolfie an excuse to talk about Sasuke's decorating taste in agonizing detail, the fact that the story was set around Christmas time really didn't have much of an impact on the plot. You could have made the lights and ribbons covering Sasuke's mansion green and changed the title to "Arbor Day Fluff" and it really wouldn't have made much of a difference in the end.

To be fair, I suppose I can't fault Star Wolfie for referencing Christmas in his fic for no good reason, seeing as it gave me a good excuse to make fun of it the week before Christmas for no good reason. Without its mention of this magical season, this fanfic may have gone unnoticed during my latest routine hunt for new material and ultimately escaped my wrath. That would have been a shame, because then I wouldn't have had the pretext of reviewing it to help me release some of this uncontrollable anger I always seem to build up this time of year, nor would I have had sufficient motivation to make a batch of eggnog with fourteen times as much bourbon as the recipe called for just to help me deal with the challenge of coming up with something to say about two boys mouth-fucking each other in the middle of a blizzard. If you think what I do is easy, try getting so drunk you can barely sit up straight, then critiquing a disjointed, over-descriptive story depicting two male characters pining for each other's shapely asses and making out for seven pages. Pro Tip: If you choose to accept this challenge, I strongly recommend keeping a minimum of at least two large buckets nearby. You're gonna need them sooner or later.

As for you, Star Wolfie, I don't know what else is left to say besides Great Job!! Youu is are an awesomingally writer and i look forwrad to yur next fanfic...! include morre yummy anal smex though nextt tim, okay!?? <o< Teeheehee I can be so gosh darn zany sometimes! ^u^ 3 3 3 3 3