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Special 08: "What If Link Married: Ruto?"
(A 'Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time' fanfiction by MarioDS01)

All hands on deck! The ship is about to set sail! Our destination is the legendary Fanfiction Island—a mystical place where the inhabitants are all mad, and the only treasure to be found is the sweet embrace of death that comes after what seems like an eternity spent trudging through fetid marshes, constantly pursued by unimaginable horrors disguised as old friends.

Why in the name of God's arthritis medication would anyone journey to such a forsaken place, you ask? Well, that was actually just a metaphor. We're not really sailing anywhere. And even if we were, I wouldn't invite you along anyway, since you're obviously a huge idiot. The following fanfiction review does involve a ship, however, just not the kind you're probably thinking of.

For those not entirely familiar with the greater fanfiction lexicon, "shipping" refers to the act of authors writing stories that advocate specific pairings among characters (usually non-canon couples). You might be thinking that people trying to play matchmaker and setting up fictional characters with each other is one of the dumbest things ever. You would be 100% right about that. Just don't tell that to the folks whose hobby it is to write shipfics—people take that crap seriously for some reason, often becoming obsessively protective of their favorite pairings to the point of starting "wars" (read: message board shouting matches) with anyone who dares ship one of the characters in a different coupling. These people will go to terrifyingly insane lengths to convince the world that their favorite pairings are "right" despite what common sense or the characters' creators may say to the contrary.

On the topic of insanity, our captain for this doomed voyage goes by the name MarioDS01. That's right folks, all those other MarioDSes online are just posers—this dude is the OG. I first encountered the work of 'ol '01 after seeing someone mention his name in a post about the worst writers on a fanfiction blog (when someone's work is so stunningly terrible that even other fanfiction authors condemn it, you know you're in for some pain). He was referred to as, quote, "the Ed Wood of FanFiction.Net." I knew that either meant he had been the focus of an exaggerated biopic starring Johnny Depp, or he was prone to writing stories that were almost surreally awful. A visit to his FF.Net profile confirmed it was the latter, and I found myself perusing a batch of fics that made me wonder why our society is so worried about gun control while we continue to sell computers to people without doing background checks.

Among the various crimes against literature MarioDS01 had produced, the one that stood out for me the most was a little shipfic called "What If Link Married: Ruto?" The completely unnecessary colon in the title initially made me think it was part of a series exploring Link's various love affairs, like a strange, video-game-inspired takeoff of The Bachelor or something. But no, it turns out MarioDS01 is incredibly devoted to the Link/Ruto pairing and merely happens to suck at punctuation. Just how devoted is MarioDS01 to this couple? The answer may surprise you, unless of course you're already familiar with the symptoms and behaviors associated with obsessive compulsive disorder.

One last note before we kick this thing off: While I normally try to conserve the badness of the original works featured on this site by leaving them unaltered, formatting errors and all, I broke down this time and inserted paragraph breaks into the fic where appropriate. The original was randomly broken into several miniature text-walls that made keeping track of the speaker next to impossible, so at least the so-called "plot" should be easier to follow now. Don't worry, though—there are still enough spelling and grammatical errors left intact to destroy even the most hardened of public school English teachers.



What If Link Married: Ruto?

Author's Notes: This is a one shot based on I hope you guys enjoy it!

It might look like he accidentally left something out there, but that was purely intentional. This fic is, in fact, based on nothing. No source could possibly be inane enough to have inspired this.

Link and Ruto are snuggling in bed together happy that they are together. Link is half naked with just some boxers on underneath the sheet and Ruto has nothing on, but Link loves Ruto without any clothes because she is much more beautiful that way.

That's what he tells her, at least. In truth, getting the tailor to design custom outfits that didn't crush all her fins and shit was costing him a fortune. And don't even get me started on the time she tried to go shopping for hats...

That is the way Link always like here since they have been children. They are sleeping peacefully in bed together until... "Ooff" said Link being pounced by someone.

Link: Damn it to hell, Cato, not now!

"Good morning daddy!" said the little girl who was a beautiful hybrid being Human and Zora.

"Oh, good morning Tara..." said Link waking up a bit.

As his gaze met that of the three pairs of pupilless eyes staring back at him, Link suppressed a shiver and once again found himself silently begging God to forgive him for his part in creating the mutated abomination he called a daughter.

Then Ruto woke up a few seconds later to make sure she does not get pounced by Tara. "Morning Tara sweetie" said Ruto, "What is the wonderful reason you are waking us up?"

"Well mommy, me and Brian got up to make you guys breakfast, I helped him a little since he is a better cook then I am" said Tara.

"Well that is thoughtful of you and Brian, can you give your mommy and daddy a little time to get ready?" asked Link.

"Daddy" Link needs a little time to cry into his pillow while Ruto writhes around on the floor to stimulate her skin to secrete a fresh layer of moisturizing slime.

"Sure!" said Tara and run off to meet back with Brian who is a human and been friends with him since they were toddlers or somewhere around there.

If you guessed that MarioDS01's real name is Brian, then congratulations on being able to identify painfully obvious author self-insertions when you see them.

"I can't believe it has been over 8 years since we got married" said Link.

"Yeah me neither and you were surprised we had a little girl in such a short period of time compared to Humans" said Ruto giving a nice morning kiss to Link on the lips.

Ruto: Remember the night Tara was conceived, when I laid that mucous-coated egg sac in the bathtub and then you ejaculated onto it? That was soooo romantic...

"Yeah, but Tara was grown up to be check a beautiful little girl and even has a friend since they were really little" said Link.

"Yeah, me too and I am also glad we have became an example for other possible romances between Humans and Zoras" said Ruto.

What is this, an excerpt from Sitcom Clip Show Dialogue for Dummies? If I was married and my spouse started randomly describing every major event from the past eight years of our lives, my first thought would be that she'd been replaced by an alien doppelganger who was starting his first day on the job.

The 2 then kissed and hugged each other a lot since they love each other so much. Then they got themselves ready and went to the kitchen/dining area.

The place Link, Ruto and Tara live in is a medium sized house somewhere in Hyrule Field. The house was quite nice to live in for the entire family and surprisingly the King of Hyrule helped finance the house and supple the materials for it as well and some nice funerter.

Link single-handedly saves the entire kingdom from annihilation and all he gets for a reward is a little cottage out in the middle of nowhere? Man, the King of Hyrule is kind of a dick.

Zelda is still not pleased Link choose Ruto over her, but it makes since that they were friends since they were kids.

Pretty sure Link was also friends with Zelda as a kid, but I guess the ability to conveniently ignore facts like that is all part of the magic of fanfiction!

Zelda is sadly still unmarried and wants to get married to have children. But hardly any of her boyfriends like her that much since she is such a spoiled brat Princess since she was a kid and she only has maybe a few years before it is less likely she will have a child of her own.

I wish my life was so free of real problems that I could dedicate this kind of venomous anger to a video game character I didn't like. MarioDS01 is living the dream.

Anyways, back to the house Link and Ruto seated themselves at the table waiting for their breakfast.

That transition was as smooth as butter made out of gravel and broken glass.

Link watches happily as Tara and Brian run about preparing their breakfast. It made him happy that his daughter loved him so much that she made meals for him. Meanwhile Ruto sat back and smile at Brian who smiled back.

I do not envy Tara, and not just because her mouth isn't the only orifice with rows of serrated teeth. Having your mom walk around naked all the time has got to be weird enough when it's just the family, but it must be mortifying when you've got friends over.

Brain had been friends with Tara for a long time now and it was always enjoyable for Link and Ruto when they were together. Tara's friend Brian was around the same age of Tara was wearing an apron over his clothes.

Link: Hahaha, is this little guy for real? I wear a tunic and even I think that's the gayest shit I've ever seen!

"Here is your breakfast" said Brian and passed Link and Ruto's dishes to them. The breakfast pretty simply: Some pancakes, eggs and bacon which surprisingly looked good from a 8 year old boy cooking them with Tara at his side. Link and Ruto tried the food and were amazed how good the food is.

The thing about pancakes, eggs, and bacon is that there's only so much you can do with the meal. Unless they added some crack to the pancake batter, "Mm, not bad," is about the highest praise you can realistically hope for.

"Well...what do you think mom and dad?" asked Tara curious.

"Wow! The food is very delious Tara, Man you are like a master chef Brian" said Ruto.

"I agree with you mother here" said Link, "And you did an excellent job Brian!"

If you're going to shamelessly insert yourself into a story and give your persona some marvelously impressive skill, why make it breakfast preparation? That seems like a tragic waste of your God Author abilities.

"Thanks Link and Ruto, you can thank my dad teaching me to cook and someday have me follow his footsteps which I will!" said Brian.

This would make a lot more sense if the story followed his aspirations of becoming a great chef or something, but (spoiler warning!) it totally doesn't.

After finishing the excellent breakfast Brian prepared for Link and Ruto by Brian, both Tara and Brian bolted up. "Well mom and dad, I am going to have some fun with Brian today, I see you guys later!" said Tara.

"You do that sweetie and make sure you don't forget your sword and shield" said Ruto she waved to them both.

Link: Yeah, cut down sommadat tall grass and find me some damn rupees while you're out. That hero money is startin' to dry up, just like mah mead stash. *BURP!*

"I won't" said Tara then gave a kiss on the cheek to Link and Ruto. Tara was taught by Link and Ruto her sword training since there are still monster in Hyrule. Tara is pretty much as much as a Tomboy as her mother and Brian is not a fighter and depended on Tara to protect him.

Even though he's a fictional character and I'm in my twenties, for some strange reason I just have this overwhelming desire to push Brian into the mud and steal his lunch money.

Link and Ruto were finally alone for a while from seeing there beautifully daughter Tara.

"Well, what do you think we should do with Tara away since it is just you and I" said Link. He smiled and sighed happily seating back in a comfy chair in their living room.

Link can finally rest his troubled mind for a few precious moments now that his freakily misshapen, foul-smelling, half-flounder offspring is gone for the day.

"I don't know Link, but we can think of something from our day off from our duties" said Ruto leaning to Link and kissing him passionately around his face and other places.

Aw yeah, looks like this fanfic is finally gettin' going!

"Do you think Tara and Brian will play more tricks on Zelda?" said Link.

Ruto: Mm-MMF! What the shit, Link!? I'm trying to give you a blowjob and you're wondering whether or not our kid is going to mess with your ex-girlfriend? Why do you mention her EVERY time we try to be intimate!?

" are probably right, besides you deserves that" said Ruto laughing a little along with Link. Then the 2 got up to get ready for the rest of there day off and plan what fun things they would love to do today. Being part of such a happy family meant everything they did together was fun.

This is what I imagine the games would be like in a parallel universe where Shigeru Miyamoto and Norman Rockwell are best friend. And also both raging alcoholics.

And for the Zora Kingdom, King Zora loves that Ruto married Link since they have been good friends to each other since they were kids. King Zora did not like Zelda either and is glad Link never got interested in her nor married her at all.

One time, during a diplomatic meeting to secure peace between their two kingdoms, King Zora called Zelda a fat bitch and punched her in the face. The King of Hyrule immediately high-fived him and they've been bros ever since.

King Zora gets a little lonely not seeing his daughter as often since she is part of a family with Link and Tara which King Zora adores being a grandfather to her and likes how she turned out as Human/Zora Hybrid.

It pleased him that his genes had contributed toward the creation of a hideously bizarre hybrid creature that mocked the very form of those high and mighty humans.

He was very busy as the King of Zoras but still made time to visit his daughter and granddaughter whenever he could. The rest of the kingdom are happy for Ruto as well and are starting a new sort of tradition with Zoras falling in love with the humans in Hyrule.

A leading Hylian newspaper almost ran the headline "Something fishy in Hyrule: interspecies love fad disgusts populace!" However, they decided to report on a more important story right before going to print: "Princess Zelda declared a stupid cunt by everyone everywhere!"

The towns people of Hyrule Castle welcomed Ruto because she was so kind and was married Link who was the hero of their people. They would cheer Link when he competed in the games and gave Ruto and Tara a special place to seat and watch him compete.

"...And the winner of the Seventh Annual Hyrule Greased Sausage Throwing Competition and reigning champion is once again Link! His half-tuna family must be so proud!"

As of a family they would travel over Hyrule with Link proteting Ruto and Tara as as they traveled to see the Goron tribe where they were.

Shit, man, look at that sentence! That's the kind of sentence that comes into being nine drunken months after a brother sentence and a sister sentence have unprotected sex underneath high voltage power lines while they drink latex paint.

Tara loved the trips. They visited the Zora Domain often too so Ruto could see her old friends and Tara could meet the other Zoras who welcomed her with her mother.

So pretty much all is well for Link since he will be always together with the one he loves: Ruto and has Tara as his daughter

The End

Hot damn, what a psychological thrill ride! Knowing that some sort of plot could form at any moment, only to have it be narrowly adverted by more meaningless filler... My ass never left the edge of my seat.

Author's Notes: I hope you guys love this One-Shot fanfiction of the Link/Ruto couple. And yes, I made it this way because I wanted Link and Ruto to be happy together because I am a HUGE fan of the couple.

Seriously. He was beyond pissed when the DMV told him "LINKUTO4EVER" was too long to fit on a vanity plate.

And please for a fair warning: NO FLAMES! I don't want anyone to show their angry in this fanfiction of how they don't like Link and Ruto Married, that is your own problem, do not share that here!

The love these two video game characters share is too wonderful and pure to be sullied by your ignorant hate. So just back off, Internet!


Now THAT'S what I call some bullship! Even if you happen to be one of those lonely, internet-addicted troglodytes who can only find happiness by living vicariously through your favorite pretend character couples, I'm hoping you'll still agree that WILMR was an offensively pointless waste of time. Homeless people would feel cheated if you made them take the time to read through that in exchange for a free pass to an all-you-can-eat buffet and an oil drum full of malt liquor.

Most shipfic authors at least make the effort to half-assedly throw together the basic outline of a plot to frame their romantic propaganda. MarioDS01 couldn't even be bothered to disguise this as a story. There is absolutely no trace of any traditional narrative structure in that... thing. It's a bunch of sentences and paragraphs that collectively describe a setting and nothing else. You can't DO that in fiction, fan- or otherwise. I don't care how far outside of the proverbial box your thinking is, a story HAS to involve a plot wherein some kind of event takes place. Otherwise, all you're left with is a description of a static situation with no context. WILMR can't even be realistically called a complete work—it's merely act one of a story with no additional acts.

Why does this thing even exist? I know I've asked that question far too many times since opening this site, but I don't mean it in a rhetorical sense this time. I honestly want to know why I was able to open FanFiction.Net in my browser and see the text of What If Link Married: Ruto? displayed on my screen. The series of events that transpired between the idea for this fic originating in someone's brain and the end result raping its way into mine are a mystery so baffling that thinking about it is beginning to make me angry. This story—for lack of a better term—should not BE.

Compared to the nonsensicality of its presentation, the shipping aspects of something like this almost make sense to me. Although, do be sure to note the huge, huge emphasis on almost. I mean, sure, we've all watched characters pair off in our favorite shows or movies or books and thought, "Aw man, Guy A totally should have ended up with Girl B. Girl C is such a bitch! And besides, I thought she had a thing for Guy D. The writers are almost as bad at building romantic chemistry as they are at thinking of non-generic character names." The thing is, most people treat those idle thoughts as what they are and discard them with the same uncaring nonchalance as any other grievance they may have with the happenings of a fictional world not their own. They don't obsess over the love lives of people who don't exist or write stories in a futile attempt to "fix" what they perceive as a mistake on the part of the author.

If you think I'm just spouting some bitter anti-Link/Ruto rhetoric because I disagree with the validity of the pairing, the truth is that I am a champion-level Grand Master of not giving a shit about that particular subject. Who Link should bone after the end credits roll isn't something that ever crossed my mind while I was playing through Ocarina of Time—though I'm sure as shit going to be thinking about it from now on, so thanks for ruining a great game for me, MarioDS01.

I really have no problem with Ruto, though. She was actually one of my favorite characters in the game, mostly because I was twelve when OoT came out and Ruto's official artwork is two nipples away from being softcore pornography. Come to think of it, between her and that Gerudo chick, Link got the privilege of saving some pretty fine-ass bitches during this adventures...

But I digress. Point is, I have no reason to hate on folks who think Link would have been happier spending his honeymoon under da sea, just as long as they don't take that shit too seriously. Which, unfortunately, quite a few people do. At least enough to warrant the existence of a Link and Ruto fan community on FF.Net, which currently features over a dozen complete stories dedicated to spreading the message of what a great couple those two polygonal lovebirds make. Speaking of which, you'll never guess who runs that community...! Turns out it's managed by none other than MarioDS01! And if you didn't see that little twist coming, then I suggest you cut back the number of hours a day you spend with your face pressed up against a microwave while it cooks a coconut-sized ball of tin foil.

As much as I wish I could make fun of every single stupidly sappy Link/Ruto fanfic in that community's archives, I don't think it would be wise for me to venture down that particular rabbit hole. Still, some of these are so hysterically dumb they practically beg for a little special attention. Here are a few of the brightest gems of suck:

Ruto+Link (Read it here.)
Written by: Taichi's Girl
Description: Ruto is taken from her home,She figures out about Links Zora Mask...You can probably guess.R R!

I have no idea what the hell is even supposed to be going on in this one. All I see is a block of misspellings and half-formed sentences that make up some kind of incomprehensible brain teaser designed to stump linguistic anthropologists who decode ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics for a living. Trying to figure out what this fic is about gives me a worse headache than a hangover combined with an anvil-related head injury.

Ruto's Gift (Read it here.)
Written by: iamfinalfantasy
Description: Takes place after OoT. Link is tired after fighting monsters, and visits his fiance, Ruto. Link and Ruto are 17. LinkxRuto pairing. Lemon. Oneshot.

While a lot of the stories featured in this community focus on the churchgoer's definition of romance where love is expressed through hand-holding and afternoons spent antiquing together, Ruto's Gift goes straight for the dirty stuff we all wanted to see. Or, as it turns out, the stuff we thought we wanted to see. In practice, iamfinalfantasy paints a cruelly detailed picture of man-on-half-fish-woman fucking involving pungent, semi-viscous fluids and vaginas that inexplicably form out of nothing, not unlike the naughty parts of a lady T-1000.

This honestly has to be some of the least arousing erotica I've ever seen that didn't involve violence or scat. This story will simultaneously ruin sex and seafood for you forever. The day the makers of Viagra create a pill strong enough to allow a man to keep an erection while he reads this sanity-wrecking tale of otherworldly intercourse will be the day a pharmacist looks at his hands and mumbles something about awakening the beast before he silently ascends to the roof of a tall skyscraper and leaps off.

The Bachelor Ocarina of Time (Read it here.)
Written by: cakedoughnutschickenboob
Description: Choose one of Hyrule's most eligible bachelorettes for Link: Nabooru, Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Impa, and Saria. If you want me to continue REVIEW! First three Zelda chapters now up. Rated T for language. Sorry for the looooooooooooooooong delay!

Damn, and here I thought that joke about a Zelda-ified version of The Bachelor in the intro was a concept so impossibly retarded that it had to be original. Looks like you got me yet again, fanfiction authors.

The first chapter of this epic journey into the very heart of idiocy itself features brief profiles for all of the girls readers can vote for Link to date. Ruto's profile reads thusly: "Ruto: Clingy, obsessive and annoying. What more do I have to say. DOES LINK LIKE NEEDY GIRLS?" I'm actually not sure how this one even wound up an archive of stories for Link/Ruto fans since the author of this story (who, by the way, might just have the worst username on the whole of the internet) doesn't even seem to like Ruto very much. Huh. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess.

Ruto's Story (Read it here.)
Written by: Drunken Mime
Description: tee hee, a kissy kissy story between Ruto and Linky-dooo! nothing exciting... PG for kissy kissy scenes!

I think I'm going to print out that synopsis, have it framed, and hang it on the wall over my desk. That way, if I ever find myself starting to go soft and buying into that whole "Fanfiction authors are people too!" bullshit, I can simply look up and instantly reawaken the righteous fury that inspired me to create PA in the first place.

The story itself is largely inoffensive besides being stupid enough to make readers forget how to operate a light switch. At only 723 words, it's not like there's enough fic to build up a whole lot of shittiness. The most distressing thing about this story by far is the fact that it has a bunch of glowing reviews, one of the most supportive of which was written by our old friend MarioDS01. Amusingly enough, his review clocks in at 362 words, which you math wizards out there will notice is almost exactly half of the length of the story he's reviewing. Goddamn!

The Mirror of Time (Read it here.)
Written by: schell21
Description: A rather strange idea of mine. Link gains an item known as the mirror of time. He can use it to become other versions of himself in alternate timelines. However, you the reader get to choose the ending. What happens is up to you. Link/Ruto pairing now up

Fanfiction authors sure do like having other people do their work for them, don't they? It isn't enough that you're lifting a premade universe full of established characters and backstory—no, having to come up with a paper-thin plot to write about is still just too much effort to expend. Better have your readers come up with important plot develops for you. Sadly, schell21's lazy strategy worked, resulting in 43 people contributing their thoughts on how the story should develop, including (who else) MarioDS01. Here's what he had to say about The Mirror of Time:

I really liked the Link/Ruto universe one alot. I liked it under the ending. The ending is way too sad for me not having Link see Ruto anymore and the Zoras being kind of hostile to the whole Hyrulian/Zora marriage thing. That ending is way to said for me. I wish you could continue that Zelda universe in the story

You know, this guy's obsession with seeing Link and Ruto become an item was kind of cute and quirky at first, but it's gradually making the progression toward creepy. I'd Google his name to find out if he's ever been a suspect in any unsolved murders involving mutilated corpses stuffed full of trout, but I'm sure I've already signed myself up for enough nightmares as it is.

A new kind of hero (Read it here.)
Written by: DarkCloud780
Description: Basically, my second try at couples and adventure. This one is strange and I don't know how many people will like it. LinkXRuto for anyone interested in seeing how it turns out.

I admire DarkCloud780's sly approach using the old self-depreciating act to lure in readers. Saying something about what a poor writer you are and how your story probably isn't very good will draw in other fanfiction writers like sharks drawn to the scent of blood, and pretty soon you'll find yourself overrun with so much encouraging praise that it will make your parents' love seem miserably inadequate by comparison. It's one of the benefits of being part of a community that values a force sense of unity and belonging over quality.

Predictably, this ego martyrdom routine resulted in A new kind of hero nabbing quite a few positive reviews. DarkCloud780 may not know how the shift key works, but he's got it down when it comes to attracting readers.

Among the 25 reviews posted at the time of this writing are multiple comments from MarioDS01. It shouldn't surprise me; if reading Zelda fanfiction was a paying job, this dude would be spending his weekends in a solid gold vacation mansion with a harem of supermodels all cosplaying as Ruto. As a matter of fact, it looks like MarioDS01 had quite a lot to say about this particular story. He contributed three... four... eight... eleven... thirteen... Son of a bitch, how many reviews did he write for this one fanfic!? Apparently, he felt the need to provide feedback for each individual chapter, and most of it says basically the same thing. Just look at some of the reviews he posted for this one:

Good LinkxRuto story so far. This is my all time favorite Zelda couple.

Interesting that Zelda is not the Princess of Hyrule, unless she has not shown up yet... But this story is more focused on Princess Ruto instead.

So this story would be like a Zelda game, eh? That's kind of neat. If you can finish this story, maybe you can send it to Nintendo, maybe. It would be awesome if there was a actually Zelda game with Ruto as Link's potientially girlfriend.

Glad Link is admitting to himself does love Ruto.

surprised I get to see the next chapter already. It seems Zelda is displeased that Link love Ruto instead of her.

Personally the dungeon seems WAY too short. Also I wished that Ruto was alot more involved in this character. I hope if this ever becomes a game that players can switch control with Link and Ruto

Well, it seems that the Zelda series will be be going into new frontier. I'm curious what it will be like when Link and maybe Ruto get there.

Glad to see Link is now engaged to Ruto.

I'm fine with the idea of concluding the story. Don't worry about it. You can still send it to Nintendo and then they maybe able to figure out how to make the game longer.

Yeah, no, nothing at all weird about any of that... He's probably just trying to be helpful and... Ah hell, who am I kidding. Fifty bucks says DarkCloud780 was found dead in the center of a bloody pentagram drawn on the floor of an abandoned warehouse with both of his hands chopped off and an Ocarina of Time 3D cartridge nailed to his forehead.

In his book The Elfish Gene, Mark Barrowcliffe wrote that "an obsession is a way for damaged people to damage themselves more." I've often encountered the argument that fanfiction is cathartic and even therapeutic for the people who read and write it. Shipping, however, seems to only drive people closer to the brink than where they started. Which, given what I've read today, is already close enough to peer over the edge down into the swirling abyss of madness.

And you thought relationships based in the real world could fuck with people's heads.