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Cosmopolitan's All-Time Worst Advice


"Print media is dying."

The above statement is widely accepted as fact among members of the internet's self-proclaimed intellectual elite. You see it shouted with burning intensity by every tech-savvy blogger and despondently mumbled by every wannabe-novelist who can't get her schlock published to save her life. But even those wholly devoted to the belief that the paperback will soon become a relic of the past can't deny that publications such as Cosmopolitan will almost certainly survive the rising tidal wave of digitization—not because they're indispensible sources of information, but because they have the means to thrive in an environment too full of stupid to sustain more advanced forms of written communication.

The fact that Cosmo is so difficult to kill is only one of the traits that make it the literary counterpart to the cockroach. I once surrendered to morbid curiosity and looked inside an issue. Immediately, I knew the thing in my hands was a pest capable of spreading illness. Not many people know this, but the magazine was first published in 1886 as a way to bring the advancement of human culture to a screeching halt. Since then, its editors have done a frighteningly effective job holding us back. I fully believe we would've cured every disease and perfected flying cars that transform into briefcases by now had it not been for this monthly celebration of mind-numbing vapidity dragging down the IQ average of every nation in which it's published.

I can think of no other way to combat this threat to our survival than by dismantling the infernal machine piece by piece, one horrible article at a time. Read on if you too believe there may yet still be a shred of hope to defy the prophesy and prevent the Cosmopocalypse.

 


 

As a publication featured in the Women's Interest section of magazine racks, Cosmo delights in abusing its readers to an extent that Masochist Monthly subscribers would find excessively cruel. Half of the "advice" articles that show up in each issue are packed full of baffling misinformation, while the other half exist purely to make women feel horrible about themselves. On rare occasions, a single article will prove especially ambitious and hit both targets in one shot. 5 Dating Screw-Ups You Don't Realize You're Making is truly a godsend for single gals looking to destroy their own self-esteem as efficiently as possible.


5 Dating Screw-Ups You Don't Realize You're Making

By Bill Nichols

Most women know what turns guys off, like telling a man Zach Galifianakis dresses better, or insisting he meet your BFFs after one date.


Honestly, if a woman is so stupid that "Zach Galifianakis dresses better than you!" is the harshest insult she can think of, I imagine I'd be too charmed by her adorable mispronunciation of Galafinafish to be offended.

But, according to Bill Nichols, co-creator of 100RedFlags.com, there are tiny traits dudes notice that they don't dig in an S.O. Here's the low-down.

Yo yo yo! Be payin' attention naw, 'cause mah man Mistah Nicholz gonna drop some knowledge on yo bitch asses! REPRESENT.

The Red Flag: You wear smoky eyes on a first date
What Men See: We worry that you're high-maintenance, since that eye makeup looks like it took a while to do.


Did you put on lipstick too? Jesus, girl! Are you going to meet the fucking president after our date?

Plus, that eye shadow could get on our pillow. And we don't wash our sheets.

We believe it symbolically washes away our experience and sexual prowess.

Your Move: Skip the smoky eyes for the first few dates. Try toning it down a bit and distract us with one of those cleavage necklaces. It's pure and simple science that our eyes cannot escape the magnetic pull of a nice rack.

Oh crap, did I decide to make fun of a parody article by mistake...?

The Red Flag: You've gone on three dates, and we still haven't gotten to first base.

No? This is real? Damn, that's terrifying.

What Men See: We're not looking for a floozy, but we are looking to fulfill our instinctual need for a little love. If it's been three dates and you're not down to do...anything, we're starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen.

Bill Nichols writes with all the eloquence of a frustrated 13-year-old boy whose girlfriend laughed at him when he described sex as two people hugging while they both go pee.

Your Move: You might think you've given him obvious hints that you want to do something. The truth is, it doesn't matter. If you're into him, just move forward with things a little—pull him close and kiss him, or have a down-and-dirty makeout session on his couch.

Nothing excites a woman like a man who is desperately horny but too timid to make the first move. Another red flag for Bill is when you won't stay in bed and hold him until he's finished sobbing. It's like, jeez, your ad said you'll do anal but he can't openly weep against your stomach? No wonder you're still single.

Not comfortable with it? Be honest and set his expectations according to what you're feeling. Just know that he wanted some action yesterday. (And if you're not into him, stop wasting everyone's time.)

"So, lady. I notice you've finished two of those mozzarella sticks I'm paying for. Not to be pushy, but how much longer before I can expect to feel my balls slapping against your chin?"

The Red Flag: You can't cook.
What Men See: First of all, these words should never come out of your mouth.


If the reality of the situation contradicts Bill's extremely rigid idea of gender roles, he doesn't even want to hear about it. You just keep your baby-making, shirt-ironing, meatloaf-baking mouth closed.

There's no need. No matter how bad of a cook you think you are, chances are you're better than you think, and chances are even greater that you're a much better cook than him.

Whoa there, Bill. Just because you can't figure out how to use a toaster oven doesn't mean all our mothers were as fond of chugging moonshine in the later stages of their pregnancies as yours was.

Your Move: Guys are pretty simple creatures,

Correction: Bill Nichols is a pretty simple creature, which we can attribute to his many fantastic adventures inside the dryer as an infant.

so it's not like you need to be a master chef in order to please us. Focus on simple meals. Just like girls feel like they don't go on any "real" dates, it's a rarity that a girl makes a meal for a guy. Which means, of course, that it'll be that much more special when you do (and you can recruit him to help out).

Oh sure, we might groan and make a face when you put us in some frilly apron and make us frost the cupcakes you baked, but inside? A chorus of delighted squealing.

The Red Flag: You only order top-shelf vodka.

Bitch thinks she's too good to guzzle Popov out of a paper bag like her man? Well fuuuuuccckk yoooooo—BLAAAAARRRG!

What Men See: There's a big difference between the girl who orders a vodka tonic and a girl who orders a Grey Goose and tonic. This subtle nuance tells us that you're either high-maintenance or you really care about labels.

Personally, I'm always impressed when a woman knows her liquor. Which wouldn't be the case in this scenario, because anyone who thinks ordering Grey Goose makes a person some kind of snooty alcohol elitist is better off going to Dave & Buster's and getting wrecked on a watered-down margarita.

Your Move: Just don't be so stubborn that you need to order this so explicitly. Order these on your own and when a guy offers to buy you a drink, simply say "vodka tonic." You can't go wrong with that. That doesn't mean you can never have top-shelf liquor. If you actually start dating him, he'll know soon enough what your favorite is—and he'll be happy to get it for you.

Easy for Bill to say. A bar tab never gets the chance to climb very high when you've got a pocket full of roofies and enough respect for women to accidentally call your teenage daughter "Fuckmeat" in her birthday card.

The Red Flag: You still have an AOL, Yahoo!, or Hotmail email address.

Oh my God, dude.

What Men See: You're either from the sticks, you're technologically unaware, or you're over 40. There's not a lot of wiggle room, here. File this red flag under the same category as "she isn't on Facebook" and "she's STILL on MySpace."

Someone having ever been on MySpace is a bit of a red flag, I'll admit. But an e-mail provider!? That's the kind of thing you gripe about when you've run out of believable excuses to avoid relationships because you can't sustain an erection without some part of another man inside you.

Your Move: Other than signing up for Gmail, which you should definitely still do, make fun of yourself for this. The fact that you're now aware of the fact that this makes you look ridiculous is one step forward in your ability to date better.

I wonder how much Google paid Bill to write that. Whatever it was, it was way too much.

If you have a vagina and the above text failed to make you wish you'd been aborted, check out the author's site at 100RedFlags.com. Once there, you'll discover that every single thing you've ever done, said, or thought has somehow contributed to the fact that men find you more repellent than a human-sized swarm of yellow jackets.

As you browse that list of testaments to your failure, keep in mind it was an editor at Cosmo who saw that site and said, "Yes, this is exactly the kind of content our 85% female reader base needs to see." That might seem absurd on the surface, but it makes sense if you stop to think about it. After all, who stands to gain more from eradicating third-wave feminism than the owners of a magazine devoted to telling women about the latest plastic surgery techniques guaranteed to make them the most popular sperm toilet at their next orgy?


 

When they're not contracting material from angry men's rights activists turned failed blog owners, the editors at Cosmo will sometimes reach out to "celebrities" for some thrown-together drivel on a subject they have zero qualifications to write about. In 7 Things Men Wish Women Knew, Dane Cook takes a timeout from his busy schedule writing stories about farts to speak for all men everywhere and reveal our most secret thoughts and desires. At least, that's the idea they pitched. In a shocking turn of events, the man infamous for stealing other comedians' routines came up with a list of ideas so unique to his own demented brain that I find it strange the entire male population of Earth never attempted to sue him for libel.


7 Things Men Wish Women Knew

By Zoe Ruderman

Comedian Dane Cook isn't just hilarious and hot.


He's also extremely talented at blackmailing women named Zoe Ruderman.

He's also pretty damn insightful when it comes to relationships, hook-ups, and the best way to pick up a man. We got the former Cosmo Fun Fearless Male to give us a sneak peek into the male mind.

Asking Dane Cook to give you a tour of the mind is like asking the homeless guy behind a Denny's to show you his spaceship. There's probably nothing there, and if there is, it's almost certainly going to be a dumpster full of other people's garbage.

1. All guys want this gift
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.


The little boy inside of Dane Cook loves screaming poop jokes. As for every man loving video games, I do not look forward to breaking this news to my three male friends who have never owned a game console.

Also, one girlfriend got me an amazing vintage chair. She said, "You'll work on your career from here." It was so thoughtful and personal, not a mall gift certificate.

Cook knows so little about women that he can't even figure out when one of them is mocking his job.

2. They believe in love (or at least, lust) at first sight
I once had a bit of a whirlwind romance while I was on the road. There was a girl at the show and I had an affinity for her the moment I hit the stage. It [wasn't] just that she was attractive. There was an essence. I was really smitten. It was we like a speed dating round. We knew it would end, but it still ended with a kiss.


That's the original story of true love right there, when a D-list celebrity gets free sex and the drunk chick in the front row gets a rare chance to make a Facebook post she'll come to wish fewer people had read.

3. A woman who has her own thing going on is so sexy

I'm glad these items all have explanations, because I can't begin to fathom what the hell that's even supposed to mean.

I was in a couple relationships that got a little needy, where I was the one keeping it exciting. That would always bum me out. I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.

Well shit, that didn't clear anything up. What do you mean a woman has to have her "own back story"? You mean you wouldn't want to date a woman who's been given a fake identity as part of a witness protection program? That seems kind of unfair, not to mention weirdly specific.

4. They crave romance too
Truth be told, some of our favorite moments [are when] you say, "I booked a dinner for us. At a restaurant near the beach. With candles."


Men find it incredibly sexy when women speak in sentence fragments.

We're just not going to brag about it and we might call it cheesy to our friends, but we really like it.

Now he's actively trying to sabotage other guys' relationships. Dane Cook, you asshole. If you'd been born a woman, you'd be writing articles for Maxim telling readers that "No!" actually means "Please gag me and go in dry!"

5. Do this when they cry
Here's the big reveal: when your guy is crying (and yes, all men cry), give him chocolate.


Ladies, don't do this. Men usually don't cry without a reason, and shoving a Hershey Bar in your boyfriend's face because his company just went bankrupt or one of his parents died is only a good idea if you want him to figure out you're a sociopath who murders drifters for fun.

6. There's nothing worse than not speaking up when something bothers you
You've gotta share what's going on in your mind. You may think, 'He already has so much on your mind, I don't want to burden him', but that's not good for a relationship.


This is almost decent advice, except I don't think many women play the "I'm not mad! *mad expression*" game because they're worried about burdening their poor man. I'd say Cook should listen to a stand-up comedy routine about dating sometime, but then he'd just steal it.

7. A bad joke is the best way to pick up a guy
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. And even if it bombs heinously, we'll still love it. In fact, you almost don't want the joke to work. That way we want to come to your aid and make you feel better by buying you a drink.


Yes women, that's the reason we want to buy you alcohol: pity for your inferior joke-telling abilities. Sorry, but no. If telling bad jokes was truly the best way to pick up guys, Dane Cook would have been fucked by 1,700 men by now—which is almost 200 more than the actual number of men he's fucked.

Stick to ruining television and movies, you infantile hack. SU-FI!!!!