Worst Advice: Volume 1
"Print media is dying."
The above statement is widely accepted as fact among members
of the internet's self-proclaimed intellectual elite. You
see it shouted with burning intensity by every tech-savvy
blogger and despondently mumbled by every wannabe-novelist
who can't get her schlock published to save her life. But
even those wholly devoted to the belief that the paperback
will soon become a relic of the past can't deny that
publications such as Cosmopolitan will almost certainly
survive the rising tidal wave of digitization—not because
they're indispensible sources of information, but because
they have the means to thrive in an environment too full of
stupid to sustain more advanced forms of written
The fact that Cosmo is so difficult to kill is only one of
the traits that make it the literary counterpart to the
cockroach. I once surrendered to morbid curiosity and looked
inside an issue. Immediately, I knew the thing in my hands
was a pest capable of spreading illness. Not many people
know this, but the magazine was first published in 1886 as a
way to bring the advancement of human culture to a
screeching halt. Since then, its editors have done a
frighteningly effective job holding us back. I fully believe
we would've cured every disease and perfected flying cars
that transform into suitcases by now had it not been for
this monthly celebration of mind-numbing vapidity dragging
down the IQ average of every nation where it's published.
I can think of no other way to combat this threat to our
survival than by dismantling the infernal machine piece by
piece, one horrible article at a time. Read on if you too
believe there may yet still be a shred of hope to defy the
prophesy and prevent the Cosmopocalypse.
As a publication featured in the Women's Interest section
of magazine racks, Cosmo delights in abusing its readers to
an extent that Masochist Monthly subscribers would find
cruel. Half of the "advice" articles that show up in each
issue are packed full of baffling misinformation, while the
other half exist purely to make women feel horrible about
themselves. On rare occasions, a single article will prove
especially ambitious and hit both targets in one shot.
Dating Screw-Ups You Don't Realize You're Making is truly a
godsend for single gals looking to destroy their own self-esteem
as efficiently as possible.
5 Dating Screw-Ups You Don't
Realize You're Making
By Bill Nichols
Most women know what turns guys off, like telling a man Zach
Galifianakis dresses better, or insisting he meet your BFFs
after one date.
Honestly, if a woman is so stupid that "Zach Galifianakis
dresses better than you!" is the harshest insult she can
think of, I imagine I'd be too charmed by her adorable
mispronunciation of Galafinafish to be offended.
But, according to Bill Nichols, co-creator of
100RedFlags.com, there are tiny traits dudes notice that
they don't dig in an S.O. Here's the low-down.
Yo yo yo! Be payin' attention naw, 'cause mah man Mistah
Nicholz gonna drop some knowledge on yo bitch asses!
The Red Flag: You wear smoky eyes on a first date
What Men See: We worry that you're high-maintenance, since
that eye makeup looks like it took a while to do.
Did you put on lipstick too? Jesus, girl! Are you going to
meet the fucking president after our date!?
Plus, that eye shadow could get on our pillow. And we don't
wash our sheets.
We believe it symbolically washes away our experience
and sexual prowess.
Your Move: Skip the smoky eyes for the first few dates. Try
toning it down a bit and distract us with one of those
cleavage necklaces. It's pure and simple science that our
eyes cannot escape the magnetic pull of a nice rack.
Oh crap, did I decide to make fun of a parody article by
The Red Flag: You've gone on three dates, and we still
haven't gotten to first base.
No? This is real? Damn, that's terrifying.
What Men See: We're not looking for a floozy, but we are
looking to fulfill our instinctual need for a little love.
If it's been three dates and you're not down to
do...anything, we're starting to wonder if it's ever going
Bill Nichols writes with all the eloquence of a frustrated
13-year-old boy whose girlfriend laughed at him when he
described sex as two people hugging while they both go pee.
Your Move: You might think you've given him obvious hints
that you want to do something. The truth is, it doesn't
matter. If you're into him, just move forward with things a
little—pull him close and kiss him, or have a down-and-dirty
makeout session on his couch.
Nothing excites a woman like a man who is desperately horny
but too timid to make the first move. Another red flag for
Bill is when you won't stay in bed and hold him until he's
finished sobbing. It's like, jeez, your ad said you'll do
anal but he can't openly weep against your stomach? No
wonder you're still single.
Not comfortable with it? Be honest and set his expectations
according to what you're feeling. Just know that he wanted
some action yesterday. (And if you're not into him, stop
wasting everyone's time.)
"So, lady. I notice you've finished off two of those
mozzarella sticks I'm paying for. Not to be pushy, but how
much longer before I can expect to feel your chin slapping
against my balls?"
The Red Flag: You can't cook.
What Men See: First of all, these words should never come
out of your mouth.
If the reality of the situation contradicts Bill's extremely
rigid idea of gender roles, he doesn't even want to hear
about it. You just keep your baby-making, shirt-ironing,
meatloaf-baking mouth closed.
There's no need. No matter how bad of a cook you think you
are, chances are you're better than you think, and chances
are even greater that you're a much better cook than him.
Whoa there, Bill. Just because you can't figure out how to
use a toaster oven doesn't mean all our mothers were as fond
of chugging moonshine in the later stages of their
pregnancies as yours was.
Your Move: Guys are pretty simple creatures,
Correction: Bill Nichols is a pretty simple creature, which
you can attribute to his many fantastic adventures inside
the dryer as an infant.
so it's not like you need to be a master chef in order to
please us. Focus on simple meals. Just like girls feel like
they don't go on any "real" dates, it's a rarity that a girl
makes a meal for a guy. Which means, of course, that it'll
be that much more special when you do (and you can recruit
him to help out).
Oh sure, we might groan and make a face when you put us in
some filly apron and make us frost the cupcakes you made,
but inside? A chorus of delighted squealing.
The Red Flag: You only order top-shelf vodka.
Bitch thinks she's too good to guzzle Popov out of a paper
bag like her man? Well fuuuuuccckk yoooooo—BLAAAAARRRG!
What Men See: There's a big difference between the girl who
orders a vodka tonic and a girl who orders a Grey Goose and
tonic. This subtle nuance tells us that you're either
high-maintenance or you really care about labels.
Personally, I'm always impressed when a woman knows her
liquor. Which wouldn't be the case in this scenario, because
anyone who thinks ordering Grey Goose makes a person some
kind of snooty alcohol elitist is better off going to Dave &
Buster's and getting wrecked on a watered-down margarita.
Your Move: Just don't be so stubborn that you need to order
this so explicitly. Order these on your own and when a guy
offers to buy you a drink, simply say "vodka tonic." You
can't go wrong with that. That doesn't mean you can never
have top-shelf liquor. If you actually start dating him,
he'll know soon enough what your favorite is—and he'll be
happy to get it for you.
Easy for Bill to say. A bar tab never gets the chance to
climb very high when you've got a pocket full of roofies and
enough respect for women to accidentally call your teenage
daughter "Fuckmeat" in her birthday card.
The Red Flag: You still have an AOL, Yahoo!, or Hotmail
Oh my God, dude.
What Men See: You're either from the sticks, you're
technologically unaware, or you're over 40. There's not a
lot of wiggle room, here. File this red flag under the same
category as "she isn't on Facebook" and "she's STILL on
Someone having ever been on MySpace is a bit of a red flag,
I'll admit. But an e-mail provider!? That's the kind of
thing you gripe about when you've run out of believable
excuses to avoid relationships because you secretly can't
sustain an erection without some part of another man inside
Your Move: Other than signing up for Gmail, which you should
definitely still do, make fun of yourself for this. The fact
that you're now aware of the fact that this makes you look
ridiculous is one step forward in your ability to date
I wonder how much Google paid Bill to write that. Whatever
the amount was, it was way too much.
If you have a vagina and the above text failed to make you
wish you'd been aborted, check out the author's site at
100RedFlags.com. Once there, you'll discover that every
single thing you've ever done, said, or thought has somehow
contributed to the fact that men find you more repellent
than a human-sized swarm of yellow jackets.
As you browse the list of testaments to your failure, keep
in mind that it was an editor at Cosmo who saw that site and
said, "Yes, this is exactly the kind of content our 85%
female reader base needs to see." That might seem absurd on
the surface, but it makes sense if you stop to think about
it. After all, who stands to gain more from eradicating
third-wave feminism than the owners of a magazine devoted to
telling women about plastic surgery techniques guaranteed to
make them the most popular sperm toilets at their next orgy?
When they're not contracting material from angry men's
rights activists turned failed blog owners, the editors at Cosmo
will sometimes reach out to "celebrities" for some
thrown-together drivel on a subject they have zero
qualifications to write about. In
7 Things Men Wish Women Knew,
Dane Cook takes a timeout from his busy schedule writing stories
about farts to speak for all men everywhere and reveal our most
secret thoughts and desires. At least, that's the idea they
pitched. In a shocking turn of events, the man infamous for
stealing other comedians' routines came up with a list of ideas
so unique to his own demented brain that I find it strange the
entire male population of Earth never attempted to sue him for
Men Wish Women Knew
By Zoe Ruderman
Comedian Dane Cook isn't just hilarious and hot.
He's also extremely talented at blackmailing women named Zoe
He's also pretty damn insightful when it comes to relationships,
hook-ups, and the best way to pick up a man. We got the former
Cosmo Fun Fearless Male to give us a sneak peek into the male
Asking Dane Cook to give you a tour of the mind is like asking
the homeless guy behind a Denny's to show you his spaceship:
There's probably nothing there, and if there is, it's almost
certainly going to be a dumpster full of other people's garbage.
1. All guys want this gift
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video
The little boy inside of Dane Cook loves screaming poop jokes.
As for every man loving video games, I do not look forward to
breaking this news to my three male friends who have never owned
a game console.
Also, one girlfriend got me an amazing vintage chair. She said,
"You'll work on your career from here." It was so thoughtful and
personal, not a mall gift certificate.
Cook knows so little about women, he can't even figure out when
one of them is insulting his job.
2. They believe in love (or at least, lust) at first sight
I once had a bit of a whirlwind romance while I was on the road.
There was a girl at the show and I had an affinity for her the
moment I hit the stage. It [wasn't] just that she was
attractive. There was an essence. I was really smitten. It was
we like a speed dating round. We knew it would end, but it still
ended with a kiss.
That's the original story of true love right there, when a
D-list celebrity gets free sex and the drunk chick in the front
row gets a rare chance to make a Facebook post she'll come to
wish fewer people had read.
3. A woman who has her own thing going on is so sexy
I'm glad these items all have explanations, because I can't
begin to fathom what the hell that's even supposed to mean.
I was in a couple relationships that got a little needy, where I
was the one keeping it exciting. That would always bum me out.
I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and
brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of
Well shit, that didn't clear anything up. What do you mean a
woman has to have her "own back story"? You mean you wouldn't
want to date a woman who's been given a fake identity as part of
a witness protection program? That seems kind of unfair, not to
mention weirdly specific.
4. They crave romance too
Truth be told, some of our favorite moments [are when] you say,
"I booked a dinner for us. At a restaurant near the beach. With
Men find it incredibly sexy when women speak in sentence
We're just not going to brag about it and we might call it
cheesy to our friends, but we really like it.
Now he's actively trying to sabotage other guys' relationships.
Dane Cook, you asshole. If you'd been born a woman, you'd be
writing articles for Maxim telling readers that "No!" actually
means "Please gag me and go in dry!"
5. Do this when they cry
Here's the big reveal: when your guy is crying (and yes, all men
cry), give him chocolate.
Ladies, don't do this. Men usually don't cry without a reason,
and shoving a Hershey Bar in your boyfriend's face because his
company just went bankrupt or one of his parents died is a great
way of saying, "Shut your whimper hole, Pussy."
6. There's nothing worse than not speaking up when something
You've gotta share what's going on in your mind. You may think,
'He already has so much on your mind, I don't want to burden
him', but that's not good for a relationship.
This is almost decent advice, except I don't think many women
play the "I'm not mad! *mad expression*" game because they're
worried about burdening their poor man. I'd say Cook should
listen to a stand-up comedy routine about dating sometime, but
then he'd just steal it.
7. A bad joke is the best way to pick up a guy
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. And even if it
bombs heinously, we'll still love it. In fact, you almost don't
want the joke to work. That way we want to come to your aid and
make you feel better by buying you a drink.
Yes women, that's the reason we want to buy you alcohol: Pity
for your inferior joke-telling abilities. Sorry, but no. If
telling bad jokes was truly the best way to pick up guys, Dane
Cook would have been fucked by 1,700 men by now—which is almost
200 more than the actual number of men he's fucked.
Stick to ruining television and movies, you infantile hack. SU-FI!!!!